Undergraduate / Ariana Grande is the person that I admire for her striking features [4]

Mai, you are giving the biography of Ariana Grande in this statement. That is not the same as the descriptive paragraph to explain why you admire her. The essay should be describing Ariana Grande from your point of view. That means, explaining why you admire the person based on looks, social status, influential activities, and other considerations. The paragraph should be about what the qualities and skills the person has that you admire or what actions the person has made that helped inspire you towards a positive action or attitude. The first paragraph is not a descriptive presentation. The second paragraph would have qualified more as such if you had written more in that section about the influence she has had or shown that made her an admirable person to you. Base your revised description on how people view her talents and skills and then compare it to how you see her as a person and artist. That would be more aligned with a descriptive response than what you currently have written.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- responsibility of the goverment of the poor nations and the rich nations [3]

Diep, kindly remember that there is a difference between UK and US English when it comes to spelling certain words. If you want to score higher in the IELTS test, then you should strive to familiarize yourself with the method by which the UK writers spell their words. If you can spell in the UK rather than US version, then you will gain a higher LR scoring consideration than if you spelled in the US English manner (favor = favour).

It is important that you do not use contractions when writing in an academic tone. That means It's should be properly spelled out as IT IS. This helps to improve your GRA score because you show that you know how to properly form academic sentences, which is what the test is trying to gauge. Informal sentence presentations do not really blend well with the scoring requirement of a formal English language test.

Now, the essay uses the term "OR" when asking you to choose between the government of the poor or the government of the rich countries. Due to the existence of the word "OR" within the instruction sentence, you have to choose only one side to discuss. You can't use both because that will require you to discuss the essay topic using more than the 3 reasoning paragraph allotment. It is more difficult to defend such an opinion within 40 minutes using only 3 reasoning paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the future effects of computer technology advancements. [3]

Pronob, You did a great job in presenting the Task Accuracy requirements of the first paragraph. It strictly adheres to the given topic and clearly highlights the discussion instruction in an original way. This good opening paragraph will definitely set your scoring quest on the right track. You will get a passing score if you can present your prompt paraphrase in this manner during the actual test.

You do have some grammar problems that will cause the pulling down of your final score though. For example, you used the term "melancholiness", which is not a word that exists in the dictionary. The term that does exists in the dictionary is melancholies. Spelling mistakes will cause LR scoring reductions.

Your first reasoning paragraph will also cause a C&C reduction due to the existence of discussion topics, but no actual discussion development or explanations are presented. All these reasoning paragraphs need only 1 topic per paragraph. Properly explain the reasoning and use supporting information to establish the validity of your discussion. Don't just keep giving reasons without explanations.

The last paragraph should only be a discussion summary, it should not add a new topic for discussion because that creates a open ended essay. You have to properly summarize the discussion using the original topic, your reasoning topic sentences, and finally, a closing sentence to properly summarize your presentation. What you did, presenting health considerations at the very end of the essay created an open ended essay that would have reduced your TA score to a certain degree.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] Giving judges the access to past police record of a defendant [5]

Tran, the essay will fail due to the prompt deviation that you created in the paraphrased paragraph. You were right to offer your agreement with the given topic for discussion. However, the reasoning paragraphs were supposed to support your claims. You were not supposed to change the discussion slant from:

Original: Do you agree or disagree?
Yours: This essay will look at how it benefits investigating process and making final judgments.

Your TA score will be a 4, which means that you only offered a partially correct response to the prompt instructions. 4 is not a passing score. Added to the grammar and other problems of the essay discussion and it be difficult for you to achieve a passing score with this essay. Always double check the prompt discussion instruction as you write the essay. Spend time towards the end reviewing your response, making sure that you did not deviate from the prompt nor under develop your discussion. It is easier to fix an under developed response than it is to correct a prompt deviation because that normally requires rewriting the whole essay to properly align with the prompt instructions.

Undergraduate / My passion to learn. Transfer Essay / Personal Statement for Mechanical Engineering Transfer [4]

It would be better if you remove the reference to URI in the personal statement since it has a specific prompt for this discussion. Focus your personal essay instead on the reasons why you decided to switch majors. It is better to not confuse the reviewer because the focal point of the discussion has specific instructions. Adding key points from the other essay into the personal essay will not help move your presentation forward. There is no need to add topics that have other essay allotments indicated in the application. Focus on developing your interest presentation and reasons for transfer instead. That will create a more informative and targeted essay presentation that better aligns with the prompt. The personal statement is actually meant for the discussion that describes the development of your interest, with only a slight touch on the university reason. So avoiding the university discussion, in this instance, will actually help your information presentation.

Letters / Research group position - PhD application cover letter [3]

Vicky, the cover letter for such an important and complicated application should not be purely paragraph based in presentation. Use the paragraph presentation to introduce your background and a few minor skills. All major career accomplishments and skills should be presented in an easy to scan bullet point / outline format. That way the attention of the reviewer is immediately drawn to your notable skills and potential to contribute to the team as opposed to having to read the text of what you accomplished and how you can help better the research team.

You have good credentials presented here, you just need to make sure that the potential that you have is immediately impressed upon the reviewer. That is best done by using the bullet points presentation for all your notable skills. Remember, this is a summary of your actual resume. Therefore, you should use only information that will entice the reviewer to give your application a chance. Don't make him wade through all these words, hit him with the relevant skills and talents that you hope to bring to the team instead. That way he might remember the highlights of your application when it comes time to consider the (final) candidates for the position.

Writing Feedback / People have lost their night sleep. Why is night sleep distorted? Impact on society & individuals [3]

Sumit, are you taking the pen and paper or computer based Task 2 test? If you are taking the computer based Task 2 test, you are going to lose major points for not hitting the space bar after the period in a sentence. Your presentation becomes ill formatted and difficult to read. This was a consistent error throughout this particular presentation of yours. You also have a tendency to type repeated words in a sentence. Please take pains to edit your work.

These seemingly harmless errors can have really impactful repercussions on your final score. By the way, there is a dash between the word pre and emptive. It is spelled as pre-emptive not preemptive. Then you misspelled the word "with" as "wit". All of these are truly evident of carelessness on your part. The buildup for which can lead to your failing the actual test. There are so many GRA errors in this essay that I am absolutely sure you will get a failing score for that particular scoring consideration.

Since you did not post the original prompt with your essay, I am going to refrain from commenting on the content of your presentation. I am not sure if you are discussing this essay properly based on the discussion requirements. I can only make a general review of your work which is good enough for this type of writing. A more thorough and helpful review would have come from a review of your response based on the discussion instructions as provided to you.

Undergraduate / My passion to learn. Transfer Essay / Personal Statement for Mechanical Engineering Transfer [4]

Matthew, the essay will be better served if you start with the second paragraph. It helps move the essay forward immediately as opposed to having the reviewer read through unrelated information in the first paragraph. He isn't really interested in your childhood musings. He wants to know exactly why you want to transfer schools and change majors at this point. Rather than saying that you have been able to use tools since you were young, edit that reference to instead indicate that "I have always had a talent for using tools.", age reference not required since that only complicates the presentation.

I am convinced about your passion but not convinced about your passion to transfer to URI. The statement about the university is so generalized you could replace URI with any university name and it would still suit the presentation. That is how non-effective that presentation is. Try to build up the way that your interest in URI was developed and what makes URI (program and curriculum wise) the best option for you.

Essays / How to write an Art essay about insiration behind famous paintings? [2]

Salamon, your presentation is casting too wide a net for you to be able to deliver on the basis of your thesis statement. It will be difficult for you to compartmentalize or narrow down the research focus if you try to explain the inspiration behind famous paintings because of the extensive research that each painting will require. Instead, focus on writing about the inspiration behind a single painting. That will be easier to research and allow you to deliver a compartmentalized discussion / outline as a part of your proposal. Pick a well known painter but opt to research the inspiration behind one of his lesser known paintings. That may have a chance of getting a better approval for research rather than researching the well known paintings of the artist. Your thesis statement should be able to represent how the painting clearly depicts an influential reference in the life of the painter, thus allowing you to discuss the importance of inspiration to an artist.

Writing Feedback / The hard copy version of newspapers & magazines has been in great threat toward the printed version [5]

Dead English, or more familiarly known in academic circles as ancient English are English words that are no longer commonly used in the 21st century. Such language then becomes confusing to the reader or examiner who expects to read more up to date English words from the exam taker. Dead English is what the ESL learners commonly learn more of because their teachers believe that the LR score is best increased by using "big" or "over complicated" words to impress the reviewer. That is the wrong understanding of how to get a higher LR score. A higher LR score is achieved by showing that you know how to use current English words in a manner that is proper and relevant to the presentation. Dead English in your presentation include the terms indubitable and ardent. Everyday English words should take the place of ancient / dead English. It doesn't have to be academic or academic sounding words, just formally written everyday use or simple English words in understandable sentences.

Writing Feedback / Review My Essay task 2 : implementing strictly noise controls [2]

Minh, before I delve into the composition problems of your I would like to show you the simpler problems first that can easily be addressed by you simply being more careful when writing the essay.

Spelling problems:
enanging = engaging
centers = centres (UK spelling difference)
carpender's = carpenter's
weldering = welding
neighborhood = neighbourhood (UK spelling difference)

Grammar Issues:
Reflexive pronoun - myself = I
Verb form = creating = create
Comparative form - ... comfortable and free = ... comfortable and freer

The discussion presentation that you offer is not complete. There is a discussion of the two public points of view and a reference to a personal opinion in your prompt paraphrase, but no actual explanation of how you developed that opinion within the required 3 reasoning paragraphs. That is an important, missing discussion point that has resulted in a tangential response on your part, which will lead to a lowering of the essay score in the end because there is a lack of discussion points as per prompt requirements. Even though you wrote 256 words, it will not matter because the discussion points are incomplete.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Writing : Charging with people for admission is a positive way to maintain a museum [3]

Pei, I cannot give this essay a passing score because it will automatically receive a failing score of 1. That is the score that is given to any essay that does not meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words. You wrote 196 words so your essay is short of the requirement by 54 words. Appropriate TA point deductions will be implemented for the missing word count. That is why your work cannot receive a passing score. None of the paragraphs are fully explained, developed, and presented to the examiner. The work is sloppy. Once the word deductions are added to the other deductions based on the remaining 3 scoring considerations, there is absolutely no way that you can achieve a passing score. Always aim to write at least 250 words if you want to be sure of at least meeting the TA requirements and avoid point deductions for the missing word count. If you write 250 words, then your essay can be scored based on all 4 scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / The hard copy version of newspapers & magazines has been in great threat toward the printed version [5]

Jamshed, the first thing I have to tell you is that you are not writing an essay. Instead, you are showing off your knowledge of "dead" English language. You are trying to focus so much on the LR considerations in your essay that you let the coherence, cohesiveness, and GRA scoring sections fall by the wayside. While you are on point in terms of TA assessment values, your presentation is too wordy to the point of using words, just for the sake of using words (internet of things? Really? That doesn't even fit the discussion topic).

Focus on clearly explaining yourself, avoiding falling into the run-on presentation trap by using more current vocabulary. Big words that just complicate the understanding of your essay aside, you have an acceptable presentation. You just need to simplify your English terms by using more current and simple reference words to avoid stressing the examiner, which is a major GRA consideration.

Also, make sure that your concluding paragraph summarizes the discussion without offering additional opinions such as when you think print media will go out of style. That is not asked for in the prompt and should not be presented in the essay discussion once you write it. As of now, I do not think that this essay is worth a Band 7 score. It might be worth a 6 or 6.5 depending upon how the examiner views your writing.

Scholarship / Archaeology and Art History - GKS Statement of Purpose for Graduate School Scholarship [3]

Carina, if you are applying for the scholarship through the embassy track, then you should not be mentioning a specific university and program within the Goal of Study / Study Plan essay. That information is only required if you are applying through the embassy track. You may want to rethink the essay presentation you have because it is too university specific for the embassy track application. What if you do not get admission to that university? Then you will not be able to gain consideration for admission to other universities. Leave the discussion generalized in terms of university considerations. Be specific about what you plan to study and why it is important to your career. Summarize your academic and professional objectives in a manner that will allow you to show how your growth as a student and professional will progress within the chosen masters course, based specifically on a professional requirement that you have. That way you will be able to explain a true purpose and goal for your studies.

Writing Feedback / Topic - Animals not anymore as a food source, or a "product" [2]

Zombu, this is an extent response essay. That means that you cannot just "lean towards" an opinion, you actually need to present a measured response with regards to the opinion that you are supporting. To what extent can be measured as "partially, fully, wholeheartedly, totally, completely" and other similar measured word descriptions. The keywords should be found in your response to show that you are accurately responding to the task. Without it, this is just another single opinion agree/disagree essay, which it isn't. That, is why this essay does not address the prompt properly. You ended up discussing the topic in a comparative manner that does not really illustrate a measured response as required. The essay will be seen as having changed the discussion topic and prompt requirements and will therefore not be given a passing score. Your discussion runs counter to the actual requirements of the discussion and cannot be given a passing TA score because of it. Once you get a low TA score, the cumulative scoring will result in a non passing score.

Speeches / International day of happiness [3]

The main topics you have chosen sound alright. The discussion points you have chosen are good. However, those are only preliminary brainstorming ideas and not actual discussion outlines. To create the discussion outline you need to know what your main topic will be, what the sub-topics are, and what discussion points may be used to illustrate the sub-topics. I do not have a copy of the outline that you made so I cannot judge whether or not it was a bad presentation. I also have no idea how you can improve upon the discussion points because of the lack of outlined presentation. I can suggest the following though:

1. Explain the history of A Day To Be Happy. How it came about and why it is important
2. Describe how it has been celebrated over time. How has it changed? Have the celebrations helped to improve happiness for society?
3. What do people think about the event being celebrated? Why?

Those 3 topics should help you develop other sub-topics for your presentation. You do need to delve deeper into the discussion but like I said, without a copy of the outline, I am unsure as to how to help you.

Writing Feedback / Children's free time must include educational activities [3]

Jasur, the direct question essay must be discussed from a single point of view. Not a comparative point of view. Note that the prompt is asking "What is your opinion" not "What are your opinions", which would be the plural form of opinion which would have allowed you to discuss the essay from multiple points of view. As such, the essay will fail not only because of the lacking word requirement, but because you showed an inability to address the task achievement requirements for the discussion. It is always important to discuss the essay based on the expected discussion slant. All Task 2 essays are written from singular points of view unless otherwise stated. The idea is to be able to fully explain your opinion regarding a topic throughout the 4-5 paragraph essay. It is easier to defend a single point of view rather than multiple points of view. You don't have to waste time thinking of 2 discussion modes in a direct question / opinion essay. You can better improve your scores when you focus on only one topic for discussion. In this instance, it is clear that you are preparing for the test without guidance. So you should review the various samples available at this forum to learn from and help guide the development of your Task 2 writing skills.

Scholarship / Food Science - New Zealand scholarship skills [3]

Damarps, remove the first paragraph from this response. Instead, focus on developing your second paragraph because the information you placed there is relevant and directly related to the question being asked. You have to make sure that you fully explain yourself using the information in the second paragraph as the basis. Use the information about the program that you know will be relevant to your skills development. Explain why developing those skills will be relevant to your future profession. The reviewer needs to be convinced that you are familiar with the program and the benefits that it offers the student. By showing a familiarity that aligns with your career progression, you will be able to convince the reviewer that you are serious about completing this course. You have the topic sentences spelled out in the second paragraph, develop those into well explained paragraphs to meet the prompt requirement.

Graduate / SOP for Msc Business Analytics; improving systems to gather enormous amount of data [4]

Kerem, I am not sure about how to review your essay. The title for this is SOP for MsC, the SOP reference means "Statement of Purpose". However, the actual title that you used for the essay is "Personal Statement". The SOP and PS are two different essays that addresses two different prompt requirements. The Personal Statement is what you wrote above, a description of the development of your interest in the course and why you hope to pursue higher studies. A Statement of Purpose, is an essay that relies on your professional goals to deliver the purpose of your essay.

As such, you have to clarify which type of essay you are actually asking me to review. I would hate to give you the wrong review for the wrong type of paper. If you can, please post the discussion instructions / prompt for the essay that you are being asked to write. That would help me to better understand what sort of essay you are actually supposed to write.

The personal statement that you wrote is good. It is strong and clear with regards to the development of your interest but falls short of explaining your interest in a specific university and its teaching program. Without that, the personal statement doesn't really deliver a strong motivational impression. Adding a university reference would help strengthen the presentation. The rest of the essay is acceptable.

Again, this essay is somewhat effective as a personal statement but cannot and should not be confused for a personal statement. If you can clarify which essay you really want to write, I will try to get back to you with additional information or a more appropriate and relevant review of your paper.

Graduate / Better English teaching. What makes me eligible for the Fulbright Scholarship? Study objective essay [2]

Mohammed, what is your study objective title? Why are you writing a personal statement when what you should be writing is a grant purpose proposal? That is what the study objective for a masters Fulbright scholar is all about. This essay is not telling me about any pertinent information such as :

1. The research interest that you have (What you want to learn about and why)
2. How you plan to do the research
3. Who you hope to work with during your research
4. What the application of the research will have within your workplace or how it is meant to improve a sector of your country
5. How you plan to carry out the work and what potential it has for professional application in your case
6. How this project will help you better engage with your host community should your application be approved
7. Why you believe that this project can be accomplished within a specific time frame

Your presentation is too repetitive and does not deliver any of the required information for the grant purpose essay. Remember, you are to present a study/research proposal. Follow the require format for the presentation and make sure that you use my guide questions to write a more acceptable purpose proposal for your application. You should be able to present all of the responses to the guide questions within a one or two paragraph statement. It doesn't need to be intricately detailed, just responsive enough to show how serious you are about the studies you plan to undertake as a Fulbright scholar.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Business Informatics/Management Information Systems [2]

@lebronzey set this essay aside and use it as the basis of your personal statement when that requirement comes up. This is nowhere near being a proper statement of purpose. A statement of purpose is exactly what it is called, an essay that represents the purpose you have for higher academic study. Since you do not have the prerequisite 2 year professional experience prior to enrolling in a masters course, I am wondering if you are applying to one of those direct pathway masters degrees. If you are, then you have to come up with a better essay than this.

For starters, you should explain why you have decided to take the direct pathway instead of gaining work experience first. A practice often done to provide the student with a true purpose for his advanced studies. Why do you feel that you can do better by immediately studying a masters course? What purpose do you have for it? How does this apply to your future professional goals? Make the reasons and purpose clear. Don't just rattle off your qualifications. The qualifications need to suit the purpose that you have. At this point, you don't really have anything written here except for an academic and related experiences listing, which doesn't qualify as a statement of purpose.

Write a real statement of purpose. One that actually shows a reason for your studies and an actual professional application once you graduate. Don't just rattle off previous experiences. It doesn't give your interest in advanced studies a purpose. Focus on presenting a believable academic and professional goal in relation to your purpose for immediate higher study rather than working first then enrolling in a masters course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Why national leaders should spend more money on public transportation [2]

Nguyen, your essay does not follow the discussion prompt as it is provided. This is a 5 paragraph essay that follows the 3 reasoning paragraph format to represent:

1. Public POV 1
2. Public POV 2
3. Personal POV
The way that you formatted the prompt paraphrase created a prompt deviation as you changed the discussion instruction from:

Prompt Version: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Version: As far as I concerned, the advantage of investing in public transport systems always outweighs that of remain option.

There was never an instance in this essay when you discussed the two POV's in a manner that would show how these opinions influenced your point of view. You just decided to discuss your point of view. Even worse, your response changed the prompt topic later on in the presentation:

Original Topic: Some people believe government should spend money on building train and subway lines to reduce traffic congestion. Others think that building more and wider roads is the better way to reduce traffic congestion.

Your Topic: Although, investing in road networks possesses immediately potential advantages, it can not be compared with public transport.\

The original prompt never asked you to compare the investment in roadwork with public transport so why did you do that? You clearly have a problem understanding English instructions which is why your essay kept moving away from the original instructions. This will result in a failing score during an actual test because you will not have properly delivered on the Task Accuracy requirements.

Please work on improving your English comprehension skills. Review the available essays at this forum so that you can better understand how to properly respond to the prompt requirements. Prompt deviations will never be good for your score during the actual test. It could result in an automatic failing grade in the end.

Writing Feedback / Have classmates much bigger impact on a child's success at school? What about parents influence? [3]

Bich, the term is "influence" not influent. Also, is this an IELTS Task 2 essay? Or was this just written for an English writing exercise? You haven't provided me with enough instructional information to properly assess your work so I will have to go the general review route with you. For all intents and purposes, I will assume that you have to write this in UK English since you are from Vietnam.

You should use concise language when writing academically. Don't use word fillers such as "First of all". Always go the direct route and say "First". The phrase "maybe sometimes" portrays uncertainty in your presentation. Which is it? Maybe? Or Sometimes? Maybe means "perhaps" while "sometimes" means "certain instances". Which is it? Do you see how there is a lack of clarity in the sentence when you use uncertain phrase portrayals?

Just all other ESL writers, you tend to use contractions when writing academically. Please note that academic writing requires the use of formal English words, therefore contractions are unacceptable in written presentations. You also tend to use memorized phrases such as "more and more" rather than using more complex vocabulary that helps to improve your writing skills such as the word "increasingly" which means the same thing as "more and more" but is seen as more advanced terminology in academic writing.

Scholarship / SOP for scholarship in MSc Chemistry; King Fahad University of Petroleum and Minerals KFUPM award [3]

@ahy071 This essay is not focused on your research plans and career goal. Rather it focuses on your background in terms of research interests and research skills. That is not the focal point of this essay. You should be explaining instead what your masters course of research will be about and why. What are your more advanced research interests as influenced by your current professional experience? Does this tie in with your college thesis? If so, explain the continuing research aspect. If not, then do not bother to explain your college thesis so that can focus on developing the interest of the reader in your future research plans.

The future research plans need to tie in with your professional goals. That means, your academic interests and points of research should address a specific situation that requires a solution or additional research in order to help deal with the situation or understand the situation better. It needs to have a real time application to your profession so that the reviewer can consider this a proper career goal oriented research essay.

Letters / Personal Statement Master's programme; solutions for architecture field in Brazil [5]

As far as the prompt responsiveness of this essay is concerned, you have addressed all of the required topics for discussion. You have a strong background in Digital Architecture and have shown that you are a continuing education student of note. If possible indicate the competitions that you joined and won, when these competitions were held, what the objective of each competition was, and how it helped push your career forward. If you joined, but did not win any competitions, then it would be best to just focus on your professional successes. Everything you present in the essay must help to establish your strength as a potential student. That is why precise information is required. If the competition were merely an exercise in participation, then it did not help your career and should not be included in the essay. It weakens the presentation.

The essay suffers from a tremendous amount of grammatical and sentence structure errors. Problems that you most likely did not spot due to the ESL nature of your writing. After you revise the content of your essay, you should consider hiring professional editing services to clean up the presentation. It will help create a smoother and more impressive flow of thought within your essay.

Scholarship / GKS Scholarship Personal Statement - Masters in Clinical Psychology (Korea) [2]

Rachel, your interest to study in Korea, based on the motivation of spending time with a Korean is not acceptable. It lacks the convincing strength of a person who has considered the advancements Korea has made in Psychology and how it has helped the Koreans or set the stage for international adaptation within the mental health sector. Just because you developed an interest in Korea and you want to live in Korea because of that experience with a Korean does not make sense.

Even worse, the way you worded the essay, you make it appear that you would like to use the scholarship as a sponsored living program in Korea. The GKS is not in the practice of sponsoring people who simply want to live in Korea on the dime of the government. Take that out of your presentation. The dream should not be to live in Korea. The dream should be to absorb as much of the Korean educational system and in the process, the lifestyle, to help you get ahead in your professional field.

If you are not a published author, there is no need to tell the reviewer that you hope to be published in the future. That will not help your essay. Though not a requirement, being a published author in your profession would help your application. If you are not published, then it doesn't matter, it won't have an effect on your application. There is no need to explain it to the reader.

These are the sections of your essay that you need to focus on improving. Anything not mentioned in this review can remain in the essay without changes.

Scholarship / Linguistics - Personal Statement Global Korean Scholarship [3]

Paulina, as an educator, you should know that proper formatting for a presentation can help increase the potential of a paper in terms of grading and consideration. This format is horrible. You need to break the essay up into topic paragraphs, each paragraph dealing with a specific point of reference from the given list of discussion prompts. I found it extremely difficult to read this and even harder to follow because you did not even bother to try to present the paper in a readable format. If you present your paper in this format, there is a high likelihood the screener will not finish reading your application.

Try to use a more recent reference in your motivational response. Saying that you "understood from a very young age" does not tell the reviewer anything. Instead, describe how your love for languages developed from a specific point in time. For example, when the time came for you to choose your college major, what did you opt to study "English"? After you explain that, you can connect the explanation to your reasons for higher study or reasons for your interest in studying in Korea.

Your academic background needs to have a more specific discussion. While the focus on your scholarships, grants, and work experience abroad is notable, you also need to indicate any strengths you had as an undergraduate in terms of academic excellence to help explain why you were such a success in terms of seeking sponsorships for advanced studies. The fact that you were published strengthens your ability to research and complete advanced studies. However, you need to mention the title of the article, publication type, name of publication, and the publication series in the paragraph so that the information can be double checked by the screener. I suggest that you write that information as a separate paragraph to help highlight its importance and also make it easier for the reader to refer to when necessary.

Your reasons for studying in Korea are sound and comes across as notable since you already spent some time in Korea as a student. That will certainly be of note and of high consideration later on with regards to your application. Try to make that a stand alone paragraph as well and expand the discussion to help support your reasons for wishing to study in Korea and the motivation for your desire to study another advanced degree, this time in Korea.

The main problem with your essay is formatting. The paragraph is your friend, use it to separate and highlight your assets and skills as a student. Make sure the essay is easy to read. It is a must when writing so much information in one essay that has multiple prompts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language [3]

Crystal, all of your reasoning paragraphs only present talking points but no actual explanation of the talking points. These presentations will be seen as contributing to the under development of your essay response and as such, will be seen as the cause of the lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the paragraph presentations. The end result will be a lowered C&C score. To avoid the lowering of the C&C score, avoid presenting multiple reasons next time. Just present one discussion topic then fully explain and support that topic within the remaining 4 sentences, there are after all, 5 sentence allotted per paragraph.

The concluding paragraph you used was a suggestion on how language barriers can be overcome. That is not a requirement of the prompt and will be seen as a prompt deviation, causing you to have a lower than the minimum word count. There will be points deducted for that deviation. You should only summarize the prompt and reasoning paragraphs in the concluding summary, ending it with a closing sentence. In this instance, you presented a hanging discussion as it does not properly sum up the discussion points based on the required presentation.

The essay has potential. Your writing shows a clear understanding of the English language and an extensive vocabulary. You just had a tendency to under discuss and also present an unwarranted opinion. These errors can affect your final score so avoid these mistakes in the future.

Writing Feedback / Some people think instead of preventing climate change, we should find ways to live with it. Agree? [2]

Doung. the word "are" is used to denote the plural form of "is". The term "evidence" is in singular form. The plural form is "evidences". Therefore, to say "there are evidence" is incorrect. You need to say "there is evidence" since you are referring to only one piece of evidence in the sentence. Since you are writing an academic paper, avoid using contractions such as "don't" because it connotes a relaxed or casual method of writing. It is not academically respectful to the reader. While you will not lose points for contractions, it would still be better to spell out the word as in "do not" to indicate knowledge of proper sentence structure in an academic setting.

Please practice writing these essays with a timer. That way you can find out if you can actually write and edit 300 words within the allotted 40 minutes. Remember, within that time frame you need to outline your discussion points, draft your essay, review and correct the content, then finalize for submission. You may just find that 40 minutes will not be enough to get the job done with over 300 written words.

This is a single opinion essay. Therefore, both reasoning paragraphs should only deal with the supporting evidence of your agreement with the statement. It should not be a comparison discussion because you are not being asked to discuss both points of view, just a single opinion. That will lower your TA score because you deviated from the expected discussion format.

Scholarship / To gain more knowledge in the field of geology [3]

Aleixo, the essay that you wrote does not correspond to the expected response. The question is asking you to describe your familiarity with the program that you hope to enroll in at the university. The reviewer needs to see evidence of proper academic considerations based on your background and its relation to the new course you are interested in studying. So the format for this paper should be:

Par 1: Introduce your background in the field.
Par. 2 Describe the problems you are having in certain sectors of your profession.
Par. 3: Indicate what specific problem you hope to address with your higher studies
Par. 4: Discuss specific programs related to this problem you hope to address (Actual response to what you hope to gain from the program of study)

Par. 5: In conclusion, present your understanding of how your previous academic and professional background will be enhanced by the addition of these advanced academic teachings that in turn, can help to create a heightened and more advanced professional setting for you upon your return.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: Compare the access differences to the city hospital in 2007 and three years later [2]

Thu, your essay meets the word count but not the paragraph count. Each comparison points for the two maps should be separated by a completely developed paragraph. There should be a total of 4 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences. Each paragraph should be completely developed and discussed within the sentence requirement. Your essay only enumerates the content of the illustrations. It does not compare nor contrast the presentation of the image as this type of comparison essay is often expected to present.

Don't just enumerate the information. Split it up into individual presentations so that you can write around 200 words. That is the number of words that should normally be written when doing a comparison essay. Try to truly analyze the illustration and look for less obvious information to report. That helps to increase your score overall.

Make sure to present the 4 paragraph requirement. The Task 1 essay can never be written in only one paragraph. Writing only one paragraph will surely decrease the individual scoring considerations and result in an unsatisfactory final score for you.

Graduate / MSc in Accounting and Finance - extended personal statement [4]

Noha, the first and third paragraphs may be removed from this essay without affecting the overall presentation. Those information do not fit in the presentation of a personal statement. The personal statement should contain only the following information in paragraph form:

1. The evolution of your interest in accounting and finance
2. The motivation for your interest in higher studies
3. The reasons why you feel that the university you have chosen will best suit your future plans and academic goals.

You have paragraphs 2,4,5 with which to restart this essay. Those paragraphs, when revised will be excellent additions to the personal statement. Once the 3 paragraphs I previously mentioned are added, you will have a very solid new draft with which to work with or, use automatically because that will most likely be the strongest presentation pattern for your essay.

Scholarship / Personal Statement to apply GKS 2019/University Track to MBA program [4]

Juraev, your undergraduate academic discussion, as well as your professional background are not complete. You need to discuss the relevance of your undergraduate degree to your current profession, along with any accomplishments you may have had during this time. The professional aspect, requires you to show that there is a specific reason for your desire to study a masters course. The evolution of your career from the start to present could help establish the continuing education requirement of your profession.

Now, since you are applying via university track, you need to make sure to discuss your masters course academic and professional goals in relation to the university offerings. This means that you have to prove an alignment between your past academic lessons, your future professional goals, and the university program you are applying to. Outlining how the university courses and training programs can help you achieve these goals will help your presentation as well.

Making the aforementioned changes will allow you to further strengthen your essay content. It will also allow you the opportunity to review your presentation for relevance to the prompt requirements. Kindly review the given topics for discussion and then compare it to every paragraph you have written. Remove the unrelated paragraphs and strengthen the existing paragraphs to create a more solid foundation for your essay.

Undergraduate / Cornell LSA transfer essay - Game theory in Chinese agriculture [4]

Yes, you did misunderstand the prompt. The first part is about academic (studying) and professional (work) experience on your part, in relation to your chosen major. What you experienced, not what you learned by observing your parents or what their experience taught them. They are not the ones applying for admission to Cornell. The reviewer doesn't care about their information. His focus is on your experience in relation to the prompt instruction.

The information that you wrote in paragraphs 5 and 6 relate directly to the reasons why you want to study at Cornell, that is why I am telling you to use that as the revised information for the response to the "Why Cornell" question. Since you are applying as a transfer student, you have to explain what you have learned so far academically and if you have had any practical work experience in the field. Based on that experience and learning, why do you think Cornell can still teach you more about this field? Why is it important to you that you continue your education at Cornell? These guide questions should help you better explain the reasons you chose Cornell to transfer to.

Undergraduate / Cornell LSA transfer essay - Game theory in Chinese agriculture [4]

David, Ia m not sure if you know this but you went over the maximum character count by 5 characters. Maybe my advice how to edit the content can help you whittle this piece of writing down to below or exactly at the 4000 character count. I would like to say this right off the bat though, your essay takes way too long to get to the point. You don't need to set up the response to animatedly. The description of your parents and their lives, it just doesn't matter when you consider the prompt requirements. I learned more about your parents background and rise to success than I actually did with regards to your reason for wanting to study at Cornell and how your academic interests would be served by the move.

If I were the one writing this essay, I would revise it to build upon the content of paragraphs 5 and 6 instead. That would be the basis of my new essay. I would use those paragraphs to lay out a new foundation that more directly responds to the prompt questions. Remember, you have to write a character limited response. 4000 is the maximum for the essay, but it is not the goal. You can write only 2500 or even 3500 words and still come in with a very good essay. You need to focus on the quality of your response rather than meeting the character count. That is why your essay seems to lack focus and proper response development.

Scholarship / KGS 2019 Personal statement (International Studies) [3]

Cris, as I read your essay, I came to the conclusion that you are another of the students who decided to write a GKS personal statement without considering the discussion requirements of the essay. This is reflected in the way that you do not address the following required discussion topics:

Motivations with which you apply for this program
Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
Reason for studying in Korea
Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

The only aspect of this essay that could be taken as a response to the given discussion topic is the latter part that explains your reason for studying in Korea. Aside from that part, the essay doesn't really explain everything else. You totally skipped the education and work experience, there is no evidence of your ability to conduct research nor do you show a passion for graduate study. This is not an effective essay and I do not doubt that it would be eliminated in the screening round.

If you want to have a chance to make it past the screening round then write a new essay that clearly addresses every aspect of required information. That is the only way that the screener will identify whether you meet the minimum requirements to make it to the next round of application reviews or not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Foreign languages not only for travellers or abroad workers [2]

Ashraf, your essay did not address the prompt discussion correctly. One only has to compare the original discussion instruction with your paraphrase of the same line to see why you failed to address the task effectively:

Original Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Paraphrase: I tend to agree with the latter view and in this essay, I will elaborate on it.

You forgot that this is a 3 reasoning paragraph essay composed of:
1. POV 1
2. POV 2
3. Personal opinion

Your discussion went straight for the last discussion point instead, which created a tangential response for the essay. Therefore, you will only be scored for the area of the essay that you did respond to, with points deducted for not addressing the first 2 discussion points. Due to the deductions, it may be extremely difficult for your essay to receive passing marks.

In addition to this problem, you also failed to completely paraphrase the original discussion. The following phrase: "to travel and work in a foreign country" is a cut and paste from the original. You need to change the total presentation of the original prompt. That means you cannot use even a few words from the first version of the discussion presentation. Use your own words to create a new and unique paraphrasing presentation.

While the problems of your essay seem minimal, these errors actually have the power to fail you in the testing process. Be aware of what the prompt requirements are and discuss accordingly. Create totally new presentations of the original discussion as well to show your English comprehension and LR skills.

Undergraduate / How can I be unique when I'm not [2]

HI Mary, this is one of the better written essays for this prompt. It works even though it doesn't give a well rounded description of how your total environment shaped you. Although I would have liked to have read how your other community members and interactions have helped you develop as a person, I believe this essay is effective because of one reason alone, you have successfully depicted how your family forms your immediate community. As such, no other reference is required. The influence of your parents as community peers, friends, parents, and role models are clear to the reader and helps to show a well adjusted person who is satisfied with life and has a stable social influence based on family relations. I do not believe any aspect of this essay should be changed nor adjusted. For some reason, reading it from the eyes of a reviewer, it just works and works well in relation to the prompt. Your title is also fitting, you are not unique and yet, based on this presentation, you are unique in a positive way.

Scholarship / Statement Of Purpose- GKS 2019 - Computer science [4]

The study plan only relates to your masters thesis. This is not the language study plan that the GKS requires. Your discussion about Hangul should be placed in the essay about how you plan to improve your English and Korean proficiency while a student at the university. The language studies have no direct relation to the masters thesis and are not part of the "goal of study" or "study plan". This essay is only meant to prove that you have a clear idea as to what specific areas of research you hope to concentrate on during your time as a student. Do not confuse the discussion. There is a specific essay that asks you to discuss how you plan to improve your English and Hangul language skills. Take the paragraph out of this essay and place it in the language improvement essay discussion. That is where is belongs and that is where it should be placed.

Scholarship / Statement Of Purpose- GKS 2019 - Computer science [4]

Elina, the first two paragraphs seem to portray two possible masters thesis topics for your study plan. Which of the two would you rather pursue as a GKS scholar? Pick one and develop the research presentation as you would any ordinary thesis proposal. I believe that the first topic you presented has the most potential for this project because it will allow you to fully utilize the facilities of the university and also, allow you to have a far more interesting methodology for research and data collection due to its real life and real time application. It has a stronger recall and study purpose than the second topic in your essay. Develop that presentation further.

Since this is a study plan and goal of study essay, you are not required to present non-thesis research related information. Your third paragraph is out of place and should not be introduced in this essay. You can safely remove it without affecting the presentation. I already explained to you what this essay is about and how you can improve your chances of impressing the reviewer through your topic choice and method of study, that it what matters in this presentation.