Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]

Nice job. This is your first poem? You are off to a good start. I wold not want to change anything about the poem, but I caught a misspelling:

Though popping up in scores of places
He left vacant some important spaces.
Family reunions , get togethers
Birthday parties and many others

Undergraduate / BROWN- my dream university; 'My interest in the international community' [7]

In the summer after grade 11, I interned During an internship at Aditya Sondhi Law Chambers, Bangalore, through which I got an opportunity to visit...

The United Nations has recently been called a redundant body- incapable of improving the situation of the world community, something I do not agree with the notion that the UN will always remain a "redundant body."

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement for University entry to study Accounting. [3]

Add a comma:
I have always had this passion for business and calculation, and that...

Life is always about record-keeping and calculation; this is especially true of business, be cause business records are used for...

You should think of a main idea for this essay - the central truth you want it to convey. State that truth at the end of the first paragraph and at the end of the last paragraph. By doing that, you will give the reader an idea to take away as the "moral of the story."

Undergraduate / George Washington U. professional, communicative politician [2]

Just click on NEW THREAD when you want to post a new thread. It is in the upper right after you click on a topic.


This sentence is a weak start, because it does not help to tell the details about sevral months before or livng with a roommate who visited. Start with something important!


I usually tell people to omit mention of the great location, because it is such a weak argument compared to an argument about why the school is best for someone with your intellectual interests.

I see that you get to some excellent material in the 2nd half of paragraph 1. You should shave off the weak stuff at the start of that first para.

:-)

Undergraduate / An Accident - Yale supplement, is effective to convey a sense of adventure? [4]


Okay, you are leading my attention all over the place. You begin talking about an injury, and then you talk about an experience with the physician... and then it seems that this essay is going to be about your process of enduring a month of being disabled. But now you are talking about the significance of skating... I'll keep reading...

Okay, I see that you make some great observations about the process of healing, the significance of skating... but I want you to revise for conciseness by taking out some unnecessary words and sentences (the Ben Franklin sentence, for example, is unnecessary). Also, I think instead of talking about how skating has introduced you to other daredevils, tell the reader how it made you understand yourself better -- and it helped you to know what you want to study in college.

Graduate / 'What's in my leasure time' -- My 2nd fellowship applicant essay [6]

This morning I wrote an essay. It was an assay about something I was contemplating. I wrote in the morning while I contemplated life, but the writing was not very good. Now, as I write about my writing from this morning, I write in the past tense.

In the paragraph above, I wrote in the past tense while I talked about what I did this morning, but when I talked about what I am doing now (in the last sentence) I wrote in the present tense.

It is very have to learn! You have to practice by reading passages aloud.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin College Supplement Essay-How have you prepared for Bowdoin? [5]

You are welcome. This explains everything: plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-deontological/

Writing Feedback / essay about universities should give the same money tos student's lib and sport [4]

I am strongly opposed to the former notion, and I have some reasons for holding my opinion.

As is known to all, university is a place where students go there to exercise their brain rather than their bodies .

A third reason more money should be spent on libraries, in my estimation, is that university science and technical books are so expensive. For instance, last month I paid nearly 100 dollar for two books in computer science field that is named networks and distributed systems in Linux, and I abandoned any hope for going to my hometown due to lack of money.-----> good point!! You are smart.

Writing Feedback / Creativity is much more needed process today to survive the future of mankind [7]

Since the beginning of their first generation, humanity has been creative. It's their creativity that made this world develop into what it is today. But I believe that creativity is more needed today than ever before.----> now add one more sentence to the end of this first pragraph to let the reader know the main idea of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Tutoring Spanish students - Why Northwestern University Transfer Essay? [2]


All this material, starting with the moment of your birth, is a very roundabout way of getting to the answer to their question. I think this first para, while eloquently written, is misdirected.

When you get into talking about your short and long term goals, that is the good stuff! Start with that!

Many universities claim to give their students a truly well rounded education while at the same time boxing them into a major with overly specific course requirements. Northwestern allows for...

I don't know about this part. It is pretty flimsy. Fix it by giving a specific example of how your unique combination of interests will be better served by their method than by options at other schools. If they actually do NOT give a significantly advantageous kind of versatility, do not pretend that they do.

Tell only meaningful, substantial truths, and waste now words! This stuff is all unsubstantiated:
Strong willed and likewise strong minded I recognize with a sense of maturity my path going forward. My progression and decisions as freshman in college and thus far have molded me into a prime candidate for transfer.

Instead of general and unsubstantiated claims, prove your intellectual potential by impressively describing your intentions and intellectual interests -- a discussion that is specific to your chosen field.

Undergraduate / Extra-curricular essays for UVA [5]

When you have part of a sentence that could be a complete sentence by itself, use a comma to separate it:
It had been a long day, and my muscles ached...

Now I'll remove the last comma of the sentence, and the sentence will have a nice rhythm:
It had been a long day, and my muscles ached from the exhaustion, but as I tapped away endlessly at the cash register I was oblivious to the pain.

any time is 2 words in this sentence:
...and any time I smiled at a tired customer with a word of encouragement, I was reminded that friendship is priceless.

Nice job! You are going to be great in your chosen field, that is my prediction!

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern (opportunities and Nobel prize-winning professors) [2]

The whole first paragraph is so general that it could be said of almost any school. I recommend starting with that better stuff in paragraph 2, and then... see where it takes you.

Focus on your intellectual interests and professional intentions. Why is this school better than the other schools for someone with your specific intentions for the next 10 years?

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


Crimany!


On the contrary, I didn't know it! I thought it was pronounced with the emphasis on the 2nd syllable, so that it would rhyme with the name of Harry Potter's girlfriend, what's-her-name, there.

Ha ha, you are a good sport.

Undergraduate / [Princeton] My conquered walls [2]


"Trial and error" is an expression to refer to a haphazard way of figuring something out. It does not belong in this sentence.

My fingers blistered, and my knees became worn out as I climbed the wall.

If I advanced an inch higher, hands of derision grabbed my ankle. --- this sentence is interesting, but in the next sentence you should explain what you mean about the hands of derision.

:-)

Undergraduate / dance programs in private studios, Macaulay Essay [3]

What it is missing is a solid thesis, but it has potential to be very good! You seem to be making an argument about a shortage of dance programs, but actually, this sounds strange. What you are really getting at is a shortage of education, with dance being part of education.

Add a few strong sentences about the importance of education n developing regions, not only education but complete education that includes the arts and self-expression. Use dance as your unique approach to this powerful topic: the need to provide education to children everywhere.

Undergraduate / Why biomedical engineer? Why Johns Hopkins? [6]

I think you could do very well by simplifying the stuff about Andrew. Don't make him such a big theme. Tell the reader you became interested in biomedical engineering at an unusually young age because you happened to be exposed to this situation with Andrew, but then dive into explaining to the reader what super-modern advances you are excited about, what articles you have been reading, and so forth. Nevermine world-renowned, yet unpretentious facilities... instead, tell them about how you'll make specific use of their unique resources as you pursue your interests. Get specific.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: My Future as a Comedian [5]

The idea I got while reading this was that it would be great to make it a funny piece of writing about how the reader has a role to play in completing this process of fulfilling the prophecy about being a comedian.

Because of the topic, it has to have at least one joke. More importantly, I think it is possible to connect this with what you ARE certain about. How about we all agree that you certainly will play the role of comedian at least a few times, because why not, and now that that's settled we can maybe use a broad interpretation of what it means to be a comedian so that it applies to what you ARE sure about (regarding your professional/intellectual future)

"Laugh and the world laughs with you" holds true. this is sort of cliched, and I think you could come up with your own insights. Impress them with your own insights.

:-)

Undergraduate / Acting and being onstage, Williams Prompt... any suggestions? [3]

You mentioned the butterflies twice, and it is probably better to only mention them once.

Also, tis prompt seems to call for imagery words -- words that make the reader see images, smell smells, hear sounds. Can you find room for some imagery?

Grammar, Usage / MLA Style - Quoting Quotes in Documents / Comparative Essays? [12]


Great question! If you are using MLA style, you just put the author's name and the page number in parentheses after the quote. For example, "Always use a block quotation for quotes that require four or more lines of text" (Hacker 14).

You can Google MLA style guide to find great examples. However, maybe you are using chicago style or APA style. Google "citation styles" to learn about them and choose one that you like. Ask your professor if a particular style is required.

Research Papers / political courage display, Cory Booker! [3]


This part above is confusing, because I am wondering for a long time who this strong and heroic man was. I think "strong and heroic" detract from the picture you are trying to create. Too vague. It will be good if you add some imagery words to these first few sentences. Also, keep one central idea in mind as you write. Let it be the central truth of the essay. The essay can list a lot of different points, but you should keep in mind one main idea that is like the soul of the essay.

Now, this part below is an incomplete sentence; it only has a subject, but no predicate:
Additionally, a man who cares not only for himself but for those around him; a man like Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, New Jersey.

You can add:
Additionally, a man who cares not only for himself but for those around him -- a man like Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, New Jersey -- is a perfect example for other politicians to follow.

Undergraduate / I've got my game face on, and I'm ready for the pitch--Mt. Holyoke Essay [5]

Hey, I just skipped ahead to help with your essay because I saw some excellent help you gave somebody with his letter to a professor.

I think your first paragraph is too abstract, but if you scrap the first para and start with the second, that will be pretty powerful:

Each person in the world holds the power to create and destroy in the palms of their hands, and...

Undergraduate / BU supp: Why are you interested in BU and 3 words to describe you best [10]


You write very well, so I'll help with opinion stuff. My opinion is that this is a terrible way to start, because it sounds just like a brochure! But, of course, you do say something meaningful, so it really is okay. Still, why make the first few words sound like a brochure?!

I like the 3 words essay a lot. I just suggest fixing up that shorter one, changing its focus. Focus on showing how you have a unique intellectual agenda that will be served better by the resources at bu than at some other school.

Undergraduate / "A book that changed the way you see the world" - Les Misérables Macaulay Honors [4]

I feel more aware of the world, better able to see the plights of its people; it is like looking through a new lens. What I knew was there before I can now see with clarity ----what does this sentence mean? what you knew was there before, you can now see... Maybe you can come up with a better sentence for this spot.

At the end, add an extra idea for the reader to take away from the reading. Give a meaningful "bonus" idea that comes from considering the implications of the way we can be so easily influenced or corrupted by circumstance. Develop that conclusion. :-)

Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

I have grown from the lost child, concerned about others' opinions, into a c onfident adult who is ready to chase my dreams.

This essay is interesting, but you should sharpen that thesis. It is about how your aunt made you tough, right? So, did you decide that you approve of how she sent you to school to tell them you are Filipino? What is the main truth you are expressing with this essay. Write a sentence about it, and insert that sentence into the essay somewhere -- like a vitamin for the essay's theme.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Governments should pay more attention on health care issue than .. [7]

Oh, I understand! They wrote "on" in the prompt? That is a strange way to express the topic.

Governments should pay more attention to the health care issue than the environmental issue.
Governments should invest more attention in the health care issue than the environmental issue.
Governments should spend more money on the health care issue than environmental issue.

These are very difficult subtleties of the language as it is commonly used. It is okay to have your own style. Just read good books aloud to appreciate different kinds of rhythm in English, and you will use it brilliantly.

Undergraduate / major in biotechnology - Why Tufts? [4]

Tell them about your intellectual interest. What this is missing is a sentence or two about what makes your interest in biotechnology unique, what sets you apart from the next person with this filed of interest, and how, because of the nature of your unique approach, this particular school is better for you than the next school.

"Why this school?" is a question about what special outcome awaits the world if this particular student gets to go to this particular school.

Undergraduate / Cornell University (College of Arts and Sciences Supplement) [3]

I'm excited about your future in politics! I noticed in another of your essays that you write very well, and god writers are good thinkers. So... you have my vote already!

For this essay, condense all this thoughtful material so that you express your points concisely: 9/11 caused your family to become a news-watching family, and this got you interested in politics. Excellent. Next, prove that you are ahead of your game by writing the second para -- about our foreign policy -- in a way that shows your deep understanding. Don't just say the same criticisms everybody else gives; instead, make a strong and unique case against Bush foreign policy and show through your paragraph that you already have deep understanding.

This might require you to read a few articles -- perhaps one about "game theory" and the U.S. Middle East relations, or perhaps a book entitled the End of American Imperialism

amazon.com/Limits-Power-End-American-Exceptionalism/dp/1863953272

You are certainly smart enough to understand deeply, so you may as well do some research to commemorate this occasion and really impress them.

here is a part to cut: unlike other middle school students

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors Essay- Local/National/International Concern [5]


You have a sentence fragment above: not to be confused... is an incomplete sentence. You seem to be saying contradictory things here -- fine parenting, but inadequate because your father did not like to leave the house. If it's any consolation, school administrators have recently been trying to find ways to boost parent involvement, because many many parents are just like your dad: they hate that sense of mutual scrutiny that takes place at some parent teacher conferences.

With your dad, particularly, the problem may have been that he suspected that you had told all the teachers he was a pot head like you did in this forum! I think that would cause anyone to feel reluctant to go to the school! So, it is very good that you have found good ways to cope with people's nonsense, and I think that is something that the reader can appreciate.

It's good if the final draft of this essay highlights your ability to use compassion and understanding and forgiveness. For example, you discuss your dad's inadequacy, and then you mention the fact that you felt broken spirited and began to miss your morning classes, etc. That is a perfect example of how external circumstances can affect us. Experiencing that, you can have compassion for others and their vices. That is good introspection!

And remember: It always reflects badly on me if I presume to start a conversation by talking badly about someone else. I think that rule might apply here; the extent to which you emphasize others' inadequacies in this essay is the extent to which it'll probably reflect badly on you. That doesn't mean you can't mention their inadequacies; just make sure the essay highlights what you intend it to highlight, which is that cool insight about understanding.

Graduate / SOP First Paragraph MFA Application concentration art & social practice [5]

Yes, this is obviously written very well, with an excellent way of explaining the significance of abstract video art. I noticed that I was confused by the first sentence, though, because narrative voice can mean something specific, and I did not know what you meant at first about having been stripped of it. I see that Edgar noticed something there at the start, too.

So, give some attention to that... but anyway, you write very well!

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement Personal Statements -- Looking for Constructive Criticism! [2]

I think you could come up with a few more haikus and then choose your favorite. It does not help to say you re not a genius; you very possibly are! I think genius is discovered all of a sudden.

Other than that, can't suggest much, because these are already inspired. After something is inspired, it should be left as it is, for the most part, flaws and all. But I might suggest:

My meeting with Steinhardt seemed like...

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]


That is a very good point! I think you should incorporate this material into the essay.

Undergraduate / Autobiogaphy Essay - University of Pennsylvania [6]

Today, I was returning to Botswana to work with patients in need of who needed psychiatric attention bu t could not afford it. ---> good start!!

Now, at age 40, I am full-time doctor at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, and I have clients from around the world with a range of psychological illnesses conditions.

Well done! You approached this in a good way; I like the idea of doing back-story in para #2

Please check out the EF Contributor page!

Undergraduate / A book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed my world - CommonApp Essay [4]

I think you need only one comma in this sentence:
This book may have been a work of fiction, but to me the values and lessons
that it has instilled in me are real. ---> that makes it very forthright and direct.

It might be nice to quote a little bit from the book to illustrate your point. I see no errors, though, and this is very nice!

Undergraduate / "I have grown up on two continents" - Common App Personal Essay on Diversity [3]


Right after this sentence, give one more sentence in order to tell the reader clearly what your answer to the question is. What is the experience that demonstrates the importance of diversity to you? Tell the answer at the end of that first para, and the reader will be impressed with the structure of your essay.

Research Papers / English 101 Research Paper on Negative effects of the media on children. [3]

I don't know, Mustafa, this seems pretty solid to me -- good, clear point made in the first para, good topic sentences, good citation of sources.

Here is a spot where you need a comma:
In addition, parents are especially concerned with how...

I don't see any glaring errors! What is it you are unsure about? You have written a good paper about the negative effects of the media. To make it even better, give it a unique ege, such as a controversial opinion about it. You can give this essay a unique, unexpected theme.

Undergraduate / SUNY Purchase Film Conservatory Essay [5]

This last paragraph is too long. I think you should do a para break after "things which I specifically needed in a school".

new paragraph:
For example, I wanted to enroll...

I wanted to dream and to create ----> good sentence!!

second for its unprecedented population of rednecks. too much like a racial slur.

I think it is better as 2 sentences at the end:
...and it hasn't left since. It never will.

Undergraduate / Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay. [7]


The first sentence above is very good, but the second one does not really make sense.

Forever is one word, not 2.

Despite many obstacles I faced, I proved to myself that even the most unexpected and the most remarkable shifts in my life will not distract me from what I plan to achieve.

Undergraduate / "Issue of Underfunding Pediatric Cancer Research" UTAustin Essay 2 [3]

All this stuff at the beginning should come in paragraph 2 instead:
Pediatrics in the medical word constitutes children ages zero to twenty-one. Childhood cancer is the number one killer of children. This year approximately 3,000 children will die of childhood cancer. Another 35,000-40,000 will be in some kind treatment for childhood cancer.

Move all that to paragraph two, after you tell your own circumstances and name underfunding of cancer research as your issue of concern.

This is very well-written, and it is a great choice of topic. I think that last sentence should be included in the paragraph above it, though, because it is too dramatic all alone at the end.

Undergraduate / "I am clean, but not tidy" - Stanford roomate essay [6]


I think you have to write something after this sentence that explains what you mean by it. It sounds like you are saying you keep things sanitary and organized but not necessarily without clutter.

Separate the 2 halves of every compound sentence with a comma:
I write poems about my life, and I write letters to my friends.

You project a great personality with this; I think it'll be well-received. And as far as I can tell, you have no mustache.

Undergraduate / UT Austin- Grandfather Inspiration [3]

After I saw firsthand how unequally life treats people, my goals and perspective in life have changed so as to allow me to take full advantage of all opportunities presented to me in life.

I changed that (abode) because it's not good to write, "By seeing ------> my goals and perspective have changed ..."

The first two sentences of this essay are confusing. I think you should cut them and start with this:
Moving to India in the middle of high school years, leaving my safe, suburban bubble in the Rocky Mountains behind, was one of the most eye-op ening experiences of my life. Sitting in...