Undergraduate / under the Costa Rican sky - UofM Diversity Short Answer [8]

Diversity often divides people, especially if they focus on differences instead of detail, but having to trust each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond transcends cultural barriers.

That is just an idea I had. The way you wrote it was already good! and yes, I'll go check out your other essay right now...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay on Education In Developing Countries [8]

I just noticed something else. When you quote a source in MLA, put the " marks before the period.
...political leaders ranked education as a leading global concern, recognizing it as a key to beating poverty" (Matsuura 2). Check the TOS about removing material; it explains what to do.

:-)

Poetry / What do you think, Life Poem - Trying a new style [4]

Something important about this style is that it causes the reader to move quickly downward in a vertical line, and the shape taken by the line forme by the right side of the lines is significant. It has a particular effect. In that way, this kind of poem has an important visual aspect.

Poetry / Mother Earth - 'You use me and abuse me'; Poem-Revisions [5]

Here is something to consider:

You drag your industrial claws
Over my delicate, organic skin.

above drag needs not be capitalized, and also:
Use a comma to separate 2 or more adjectives in a row.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

Oh, I had not noticed that. Well, thanks!

Dissertations / I need help to write a proposal for a dissertation on promotion [5]

The Influence of Promotion in private universities on consumers' behaviour". Well... what consumers are you talking about? This is a very broad subject, so you will have to narrow it down. Maybe you will have to write about only one or two groups of consumers and compare their behaviours as they are affected by particular advertisements.

If you don't know how to write this, you really just need to spend some time learning all about writing a thesis. I am curious about what you will do!

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]

Here are some ideas for you!

Dreams about designing innovative aircrafts and developing technologies to improve them has always been at the forefront of my mind.

have always caught my attention . When I was a child, my enthusiasm was reserved for aircraft models, even ones made out of paper! from making paper versions to I would stay up late to see documentaries on TV, and as time elapsed, my interest just grew up. I have strong ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay:Some parents believe that reading entertainment books is a waste of [10]

Some of your sentences do not start with capital letters! Check your capitalization... do you know what I mean? Like this:
...children to acknowledge learning. For one thing, entertainment books will carry

Another factor we have to consider is that children's reading of entertainment books is beneficial to family; on the one hand, absolutely it is sweet time when parent company with children to read entertainment until children sleep, it is believe that children will have more strong safe feel when they are adult. On the other hand, entertainment books will give more communication topics that will help to parent cross the gap between children. Take me as an example; I am used to reading my son's entertainment books due to some Internet word or sentence I need to learn from...

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor' - How did you get caught? [15]

Everyone was not unsatisfied with our (class monitor?) monitor. My friends said that this guy was too timid to make decision and unaware of our needs.

You made some great changes to this. It's a big improvement.

Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]

winkles Wrinkles

I was immediately filled with deep reverence by this shrine of...

If the buildings are mind, the trees will be life, the life of mind. --- Wow, how can I help you improve your writing when you already write so well?!


You know, I believe you should at least talk about an intended major briefly. Show that you are excited about their specific programs. You don't have to change the whole feeling of the essay. This is a good sentence to use: I am writing in this way because I am not applying because of its good curriculum or major, but because I simply like the school -- its style.

The Patriots No s, and use italics: The Patriot

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. Get up early or late - what would you prefer? [7]

In my view, Some people want to get up early in the morning and start the day's work in the hotel , and some get up later in the day and start to work late at night in the night market. I prefer the first choice due to my status as father. In my view, it is better for a father to work early in the morning, because... (what?)

Then, end the first paragraph and move on to paragraph 2:

First, my sister, Pretty, is a receptionist on day shift in the diamond hotel. To illustrate, She has to wake herself up at 4 am to cook food for breakfast, because she must be at work at 7 am.----> very often, Panyapon, the word "because" should have a comma before it.

Undergraduate / Why Lehigh University + Equity and Community - Supplement [6]

Yes, with that first essay, think of student organizations you would like to join and improvements you would like to make. Think of humanitarian causes that are important to you. I think you should use this opportunity to let them know about your plan for the future.

What kind of contribution can be made by someone who is going into your chosen field? Present yourself as a motivated, passionate enthusiast dedicated to learning and making a difference.

Nowadays , many communities aren't as...

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Well, perhaps you could use a chart or a graph. A scale would be difficult, because it would have to measure these three different things. Do you see a scale on the Internet that looks similar to what you need? If so, please link me to it, and I'll discuss this with you more. It seems hard! You need an example to follow.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]


Excellent! That is so impressive... but is there a tutoring program that this is a part of? Or is it among just your friends? I think the essay should give a sentence that explains how you offer your help.

Undergraduate / Bowdoin College Supplement Essay-How have you prepared for Bowdoin? [5]


Oh, I see! Well, utilitarian is an important word, but it means something different. My challenge for you is to learn, for example, the difference between utilitarian ethics and ethical absolutism!

For that sentence, I think self-serving will be a good word.

Undergraduate / Failure can be part of the ticket to success, Stanford exchange program [4]

When I found myself with nowhere to stu dy, at that time I asked myself with tears how this can happen to me. I love to go to school, love studying, love to meet new people and join them in so many activities, making friends.

I always got excellent grades, my student profile is very good, and I was school's representative (representative in the what?).

The first time I heard what was happening, I was shock. That night I remember a burst of tears before I fell asleep to the sound of my parents' voices talking outside my bedroom.

What happen taught me many things. The most important thing I learnt is failure is a part of life. Nothing can be better if I can't realize when it is my fault.

I went to new environment, met many new and very nice friends -- and they have been my best friends until today.

It helped me to make a plan ...

Undergraduate / applying for Vassar on ED2, "The poem recital" [6]

How about using a ... to show that you stammered?

"The speech I am about to recite is... Marc Antony's speech over the dead body of Caesar," I stammered, and "The speech I am about to recite is Marc Antony's speech over the dead body of Caesar."

That first sentence of the 2nd paragraph is excellent!

This has some great descriptions, and the intro really captured my interest. I hope you can revise the conclusion paragraph to connect this experience of empowerment with your intended course of study, your academic and professional goals. It's like a riddle when you try to figure out the connection between the two.

Poetry / Beauty (poem) [5]

Awesome... This shows some great understanding of iambic, and I see that you even start each line with a syllable that is not enunciated. That is hard to do...

When left alone, do faith and awe expire?

Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]


I like this way of starting best! How about putting this sentence with the new version.

:-)

Undergraduate / A South Dakota backpacking trip - Common App the experience one [6]

I'm so confused!!

:-)

Undergraduate / Include a short response explaining why you want to attend Brandeis. [4]

This is well-written! But what is the effect you will have on the larger community? I think it would be great if you decide on a career and pretend that you are certain it is the career of your dreams... that way, you can get inspired and write about some specific resources at the school. Right now, it seems like you are just writing about the school catalog, stating all the things about ranking and notable graduates. This should be more about you and less about Brandeis.

One more thing: it would be more impressive if it said:
When my dad asked which universities I would apply to, only two words came out of my mouth: Brandeis University.

Writing Feedback / essay of Umich: cultural, intellectual and social differences [8]

My experience of having grown up in China helps me t o have a good understanding of diversity. Not only are the lifestyles across the country are largely different, but the country consists of fifty-six distinctive ethnic groups.

Islamism Just write Islam.

This is like 2 different essays -- one about China's diversity, and the other about the model UN. I think you should end the first paragraph with a sentence that tells something about how your experience of diversity has changed your philosophy about life. Then, end the 2nd paragraph with another sentence about your philosophy about life. that way, you can use the philosophy you describe on BOTH the China part and the UN part.

I hope that is clear and easy to understand; do you know what I mean? You need a theme that glues the ideas together.

:-)

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


Ha ha, no way. Just call me Kevin. Save the formality for people who like that sort of thing. :-)

And yeah, I gues that is a pretty good point. If you write about immigration, it is the "same old story" to some readers. Obviously, it is an intense experience, so... like you said, you need to take a brilliant approach to talking about it. But you have to wait for that sort of thing. I have gone months without coming up with anything inspired, so... sometimes you have to be patient.

Undergraduate / 'Diversity Weekend program' - reasons for applying to Hamilton [5]

Use italics:
I later saw Hamilton's name come up again in an article on the USA Today website.

I'm a three-sport athlete...

Hmmm... how about some more specific things about the school...not just fostering creativity and thinking outside the box, but things the school offers that are aligned with your career ideas. Show that you are on a mission, that you are resolute about your clear plan for the future. I like the way you write; I just think you could replace some ambiguoussentence with some clear ones. This, for example, is too general:

Hamilton fits me in a multiple ways. Its solid reputation, the unique and challenging curriculum...

Undergraduate / "Molecular Biology" - Carnegie - why you want to pursue your intended major [2]

That is a great introduction! I think the thing to do, though, is add one more sentence to that first paragraph. It should be a sentence that tells the reader either 1.) the common theme that runs through all the ideas you will talk about in the essay or 2.) a list of the ideas that will be covered. It will fit very nicely, because I think whatever the sentence is will be something that will tell the way you will help people in life.

Writing Feedback / Toefl- Kids playing computer games; What the parents did, what their children do [3]

Here is a quick idea for you:
Is playing computer games waste children's time? Some people state that it is, but I disagree with this statement. that playing computer games waste their time.

Here is another one... "number agreement":
Moreover, to enrich children's social lives , children get more opportunities to interact with their friends.

Undergraduate / MacaulayHonorSupp; "I am picturing everyone in the audience in their underwear." [4]

Hmmm.. well, when I was in theatre in high school, I also heard that advice about imagining them in their underwear.. so... it might be better to change the title to something clever that makes the reader want to know more... but I don't know what the title should be! You should think of one that sees right! Sometimes you have to wait for inspiration to come...

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


Ain't got a place in the dictionary! It is a valid word. :-)

I didn't mean to give the wrong impression. I meant it was nice that you seemed to have corrected the first half... and I would finish it off. It is nice when that happens. Sometimes an essay needs a lot of correction, so if someone like you helps with part of it, I pick up where you left off.

Not kicking you out!! :-)

Undergraduate / Short answer for common app about music [9]

You wandered away from the topic. The first sentence of the paragraph shows the topic: music influences people in an original way. So... don't end the paragraph with something about fixing guitars. End with a sentence similar to the one that began the paragraph, so that it gives a sense of completeness.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my first biology class" - Duke Supplement Essay [4]



No, these are not the partiular things they asked you about; they are genera things. I think a particular thing would be a certain faculty member, a certain unique program, etc. It should be something that makes your story very original, and it will make them feel like they cannot neglect to admit you to the school if you have hopes of using one of it's particular resources.

I don't feel bad about asking you to revise, because you are a great writer!!

Undergraduate / Influential person/significant experience--a girl who made me strong in love [7]


Yes, I definitely like that new sentence and this new draft better. I bet you do, too! Great job.

That last paragraph is intense! I like everything about it.

Grammar, Usage / Quick Grammar Question Dealing with Roles in Plays [5]

Yeah, I think people usually either are writing about the play, so they do not need to spoon feed the reader the fact that it is a characters name... or they do ned to tell the reader, so they can say, "The evil character known as Iago," or something.

And yeah. questia is great. It even generates a works cited list for youin MLA, APA, Chicago, Harvard, etc.

But your school's database is great, too, of course! For sure..

Undergraduate / Writing an essay on a diverse experience? [7]


I think this is a great narrative, and you obviously write very well, but it is important to answer their question plainly. You are challenged to tell them how you would benefit from and contribute to it. Don't just tell them the story and expect them to extrapolate. Answer the question in the first and/or last sentences of the first and last paragraphs. :-)

Undergraduate / 'I have three very close friends'; an ethical dilemma that challenged you. [6]

...my support, and the co-conspirators who have shared my crazy ideas. etc .

I said I could explain everything to them if they had doubts or problems understanding the class.

I think this part in parentheses is excellent. It makes the essay very convincing. But what do you mean when you say they reasoned and quit? It's unclear.

Undergraduate / Obstacle + unique quality (dentist) - UCF Essay, give me any suggestions! [6]

I can still remember the day my little sister was diagnosed with autism at age two; it was the toughest day in my life. Little did I know that with every unfortunate circumstance, comes a blessing.---> hmm, I don't know if this is a true statement.


This right here should be changed. Put a period after love, just like the others, and then write:
These are the words...

Also, it is not good for the 2nd paragraph in this one to be all about soccer. They didn't ask you about soccer. So... you can explain the words in terms of soccer, but let the first sentence and last sentence of that paragraph be about the words.

Undergraduate / "an exotic wildlife veterinarian" - Macaulay Honors College Essay feedback? [2]

This is great! I always tell people they should connect this issue to their intended field of study if possible... you did a great job of it. One thing, though, is that the first sentence of that last paragraph is sort of redundant and repetitive...actually, it is like a statement of the obvious. It seems like, after all that you have said, it is pointles to say it influenced you in a number of ways. Instead, start to add something new in that last para by speculating about how things will be, etc...

Kind regards!

Graduate / 'May Fate reward your diligence' - do me a favor to check my diversity essy [7]

Well... fate is not usually a word that you have to capitalize. I guess you can capitalize it if you want to, but it might be seen as incorrect.

'May fate reward your diligence,' he said. His words impressed me and encouraged me to work hard.

In addition to various scholarships and awards, I obtained the presidency in my club as well as the membership on the martial arts team.

Sometimes fate rewards your effort not with success but with failure. At the beginning of my third year I was almost overwhelmed by depression after failing in the martial arts competition.

...won an internship in Professor Guangcai Gong's lab, where I started my first research. Without the failure, I might not have gained those study skills or written my thesis. I probably might not have received that internship, let alone writing here for a further study opportunity overseas. Failure may be as valuable as success when it is treated correctly.

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

I like:
The tree died soon, too.

Undergraduate / "I would like to study in the UK" - UCAS Personal Statement [3]


Hmmmmm... it is not enough to want to study in the UK. I think a serious student is more concerned with the field of expertise than with the location of the studies... know what I mean? I also think you include too many ideas in that first paragraph! Think of the main idea of the whole essay, and make that the topic of both the intro and conclusion. The into should be cncise and grab the attention. The conclusion should be thoughtful and "add something" by considering the implications of all you have just written. I hope that helps!! Your writing is great, but the paragraphs are too long and try to tackle multiple ideas when you should instead use one para for each idea.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Anti-Semitism) [3]


That makes it sounds like you are saying Jews are not people! Revise, revise... :-)

Being Jewish, I know there are many people who are anti-Semitic. no statements of the obvious. I don't think this sentence is helpful.

Use a dash, here, instead of a semi-colon:
Although I have had many ethical dilemmas, there is one that I will never forget -- one that has especially affected me.

I have been taught to ignore those who are rude and ignorant towards my religion,
but it has not always been easy.


Wow! This is a powerful sentence! But you still have not disclosed the ethical dilemma! I think you should name the dilemma in the first paragraph, so the reader does not have to be guessing what it is.