Writing Feedback / How much a specific United Kingdom school spent annually percentage-wise in three different years [3]

Kim, this is one of the better analyzed pie charts that I have seen presented at this forum. Your summary overview, where most students leave out information is, I am happy to say, complete and so is the rest of the essay based on summary requirements all the way to the trending statement. Good job!

With regards to your sentence structure though, paragraph 3 is composed of run-on sentences. Try to present each bit of information as a separate sentence instead of an additional analysis presentation in one sentence. That way you create more complex sentences and keep the focus of the paragraph on easy to follow information presentations. Remember, the assumption is that the reader does not have access to the chart so the clearer you can make your information presentation per sentence, per paragraph, the better for your score.

Another piece of advice, since the essay is using actual percentage measurements, please refrain from using estimated references such as "to a half" because such statements tend to confuse the reader who, as I said, hasn't seen the pie chart. So no guesswork please. Just pure and accurate data presentation from the pie chart. Remember, you are being scored on coherence and cohesiveness, which is based on the accuracy of the data presented.

Scholarship / Suffering grades - to overcome a significant obstacle to reach a goal [3]

Ogundepo, your essay is pretty straightforward and lacking in emotion. Since this was a particularly trying time for you, I believe that there needs to be a balance between your emotional block, possibly anger towards the situation and how it changed your academic life forever along with your enlightenment that things don't need to change for you because you are capable of finding ways to continue with your education. This essay seems too matter of fact. It is as if everything was just obvious from your standpoint so you acted accordingly. I am sure that is not exactly how it transpired. You may want to rethink the presentation to show a little bit more realism and less of an automated response type of presentation.

This essay gives you the chance to display a sense of maturity and self responsibility. This is your chance to set yourself apart from the other applicants by showcasing how you developed into a mature and self-reliant person due to unforeseen circumstances. Don't waste the chance. Lengthen the essay or revise the content if you wish, just make sure to strike the balance and showcase the character development on your part.

Writing Feedback / Improving my writing skill to adapt to IELTs - both working parents [5]

Hai, according to your prompt paraphrase, which correctly explained the original prompt, you are going to be clarifying the two public points of view and then propose your perspective regarding the discussion. Your prompt paraphrase is proper and correct. However, the discussion that you presented is incorrect. Right from the first reasoning paragraph, you already used a personal point of view. You never once referred this discussion as being from the first public point of view by indicating "As per the first group's belief..." which tells the reader whose point of view is being discussed. The second set should have said something like "In opposition to that belief, there are people who argue that..." to show that another public pov is referred to. Only after these two references could you have said "After careful consideration, I believe that..." to indicate your own point of view. The example about your village could have only been presented appropriately within your personal pov paragraph, not anywhere else within the essay.

You seem to have a fixation on using an apostrophe when referring to plural forms. That is incorrect. The plural form never requires an apostrophe. However, an apostrophe S is required when referring to ownership. So it is correct to say "families" but not "families'", "students" not "students'". Also, since only person went to college in your town, you should have said "obtained a university degree". One cannot "obtain universities" unless he is extremely rich because your phrase refers to a person buying universities instead of attending a university for higher studies. Be careful of your word presentations as it alters the meaning of a word or phrase.

Writing Feedback / 【IELTS TASK2】Social and practical problems caused by non-native speaker in foreign country [3]

Dingyu, , this is a single opinion measured response essay. That means, the "extent" part of the question requires you to respond to a certain degree. That is the main reason why this is an essay that cannot be discussed as a two point of view essay. While it is possible to discuss this as a dual point of view presentation, you will score higher when you respond using only one fully developed reasoning. The way you can show your measured response is by saying, in the instructions paraphrase:

I very much agree/disagree with the provided statement based on several reasons
I strongly support / do not support the given opinion due to a number of considerations
I tentatively agree/disagree
I partially agree / disagree

Those are just a few examples of how this type of essay question is to be responded to.

Now, I have to tell you that your first and second paragraphs are highly confusing and is definitely incoherent in presentation. Your sentence structures are problematic in the sense that there is no clear representation of the thought process involved in the writing. Your vocabulary is incorrect most of the time as evidenced by:

It contents policy = It contains policy...

Speaking a foreign language in their country = Speaking a foreign language in a strange country

Then there is the subject reference problem in this part:

In addition, as to the practical problem. (What?)

Your approach to the total discussion is incorrect. It would be best if you familiarize yourself with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay and also, learn how to discuss similar topics just in case. Click on the similar discussion button to access posts of a similar type to help you better prepare for these types of discussions.

Try to do more sentence structure exercises and also, develop your English vocabulary. I do not mean just learn more English words but learn more English words along with its meaning so that you can use it properly in a sentence when you write your essays. As you can see from several errors listed above, this is a major problem or concern when it comes to your writing.

Essays / Chevening Leader Question for full time employee. [5]

Shaukat, since the deadline for Chevening has already passed, it is useless to offer you advice on how to properly develop a leadership and influencing essay at this point. Chevening requirements for leadership and influencing require you to have a true local or national leadership and influencing role as evidence by professional or community practice. You can use your experience as a department head or team head as an influencing example because you have to influence the true leader of the team, the supervisor or department head, to accept your decision and your actions as the correct one for the project.

Your best bet will be to focus on a community leadership role as that still shows a local or national leadership application as required by the scholarship. You have one year to build up your professional leadership role as the focal point that is supported by your community leadership. That is how you develop a Chevening leadership essay. The academic profile is only the foundation or evidence that you have tried to develop your leadership skills from the very start of your evolution into a professional career.

Focus not only on leadership but influencing as well. A leader is more of an influencer because you cannot lead without influence. Think about how you embody leadership through influence and then try to write an essay for the next cycle of applications.

I hope to see you at the forum next year as a real applicant, with an essay for me to analyze for your application. At this point, all of this information will not do you any good since you cannot apply it to an actual application essay anymore. The advice for your essay will depend upon what you write and how it is analyzed for application to the Chevening requirements.

Essays / Personal Statement Goals - Doctor of Nurse Practitioner [3]

The personal statement must illustrate the evolution of your career interests and goals that have led you to the desire to become a nurse practitioner. For example, you can explain that as an RN, you became concerned with the lack of doctors in the ER floor. The doctors assigned were mostly interns who were basically practicing on the patients and you felt that was a disservice to the patient. Or you can explain that your interest stemmed from having family members spend unnecessarily on expensive medical diagnosis when a simple diagnosis and patient evaluation was required.

Research into the duties and responsibilities of a NP and base your personal experience on real life experiences you had related to that. Then, as with any other personal statement, explain how the university meets you academic requirements for becoming a NP. Use your nursing practice as the basis for the personal experience, work experience in relation to your academic ambitions and career enhancement goals are required. It is not optional. You MUST write about it in relation to your evolving career interests.

Scholarship / Real estate contractor manager - Chevening leadership and influencing skills essay [5]

If you wish to withdraw your application at this time then you may do so. Yes, you still have a chance to withdraw your application. However, you must provide a valid reason for doing so. You also need to know that since the applications are now closed, you will have to wait for the 2019-2020 cycle to open next year before you can apply again. Actually, there is very little sense in withdrawing your application because if your submitted documents do not qualify you for the scholarship then you will not get past the screening process. The reading committee will never know that you did not make it the first time you applied for the scholarship.

If you decide to withdraw your application for this cycle, then use the next year to strengthen all aspects of your application in reference to Chevening requirements for the documentation and essay submissions. I have had some applicants realize late in the game that they lack qualifications to qualify through the screening process and they often choose to stop their application at this point in order to improve their chances next year. If you believe you can do that then I strongly support your desire to withdraw your application at this point.

Scholarship / Self-introduction essay to get a graduate scholarship in Korea [6]

Nguyen, in that case, you should consider approaching the personal statement from the traditional standpoint. As a traditional personal statement, you need to address the following information:

1. Explain how you developed an interest in this course. Discuss your academic goals. Why does the Korean university seem like a better choice than an in-country university for you? Make sure that your interest spins off to a professional reference so that the reason for your interest in the MS course becomes evident.

2. Describe why the graduate program at Sungkuynkwan University stood out for you when your own country also offers MS programs in this course. You may use your professional goals to explain this. How does the Korean education prepare you to become a better professional? What do you hope to learn during your studies?

3. Think about your choice of country. Why do you believe that Korea is a better place for you to achieve your academic goals? What sets is apart from the internship and other training programs available in your country?

4. Explain why this scholarship is important to you. Refer to the financial requirements of completing the course if necessary and then explain what your final goal is after you complete the course. That way the connection between the scholarship and your personal information find a connection within the presentation.

These self introduction guide questions should help you develop a more standard personal statement/self introduction as it covers the basic information required to familiarize the reviewer with your academic and professional goals which will be threshed out in detail in the other required essays.

Scholarship / Helping the Poor - MasterCard scholarship Application essay [3]

Bella, remove the reference to sexual harassment in the essay. It does not make any sense since your sentences are problematic in reference to a clear discussion direction and it does not relate to the rest of the paragraph experiences and discussion that you are presenting. You should build on the second to 3rd paragraph instead to reflect a clearer reference to "helping the poor". Why does helping the poor excite you? How do you help the poor? Expand on the personal values you present in the paper to better explain who you are passionate about helping the poor and why you feel that this activity reflects your personal values.

What you can do is start off the essay with the last paragraph that explains your core values. Then you can use supporting paragraphs to illustrate how each core value relates to "helping" the poor. Your excitement about this should be reflected in each of your personal values as you explain these in the essay. The way your essay is set up, the sexual harassment thing does not really fit into the story. Not unless you can better explain how a specific experience related to that event connects with your personal values. It may be better to just leave that reference out because you can use other examples to better explain yourself.

Scholarship / Endeavour Leadership Essay Question - how MDPH assist my career development [3]

@plus there is a lacking reference to your professional goals in this essay. As the instruction implies, the essay is all about your professional development. Therefore, you must explain what your professional goals are that align itself with the course offerings and training programs of the Australian university. Your discussion is merely a general reference to the university objectives but you do not explain how it applies to your career as a dental health professional in your country. What you should be discussing in this essay is a reference to one specific major problem related to oral health in your country that you hope to resolve. Base your professional goals on that so that you can refer to specific courses and training within the program that will help to elevate your professional skills. You speak of a dissertation in this course. Expand on that. What is your potential study plan for the dissertation in relation to oral health in your country? What do you hope to learn during the course of the program and how you hope to use the knowledge you will gain in resolving major oral health issues in your country will help to better illustrate how your professional development will be assisted by your course of study.

Scholarship / Chevening networking essey - my tips and tricks [2]

Ann, you are not being asked to write a blog about how to network. You are being asked to prove that you have an effective network of local or national importance that can be useful in your line of work and in the same breath, to Chevening. You have to write a totally new essay that shows the development of your useful networking skills based on how your academic network spun off into your professional network. As you discuss your professional network, you should be able to highlight at least 2 networks that helped you resolve work issues on your part and vice versa. Make sure that the network delivers on the local or national network requirement because that is imperative to the essay. It is an indirect requirement of Chevening for all its applicants.

It would be best if you take a professional approach to this essay using a professional tone. Like I said, this is not a blog or editorial, this is a scholarship application for one of the most difficult scholarship programs a student can try to acquire. Focus on proving your network development through action. This essay is informative in a non scholarship application method. You should not consider using this essay for any reason. It is not Chevening grade. It will not be useful to your application. Read the samples posted here for the 2018 application cycle. You should be able to write a more relevant networking essay once you figure out what the essay should actually contain.

Scholarship / The need to develop the energy infrastructure in Kenya through clean and renewable sources [3]

George, your timeline is not clear. You need to indicate, as per the prompt requirements, how long you think it will take to apply these projects of yours within Kenya. That means you have to discuss not only how long it will take, but also what possible obstacles you will have to overcome and how you plan to get around those blocks with regards to your project.

It also appears that you have not mentioned how the CSC will be able to keep track of the progress of your projects. What sort of website will you set up to deal with this type of information dissemination? Or perhaps you plan to do that by generating a quarterly report for submission to an agency that could forward the data to the CSC? Regardless of how you plan to do it, what is important is that you describe a method by which an accurate measurement of your success can be completed. I believe you can do that best through social media. The logical choice would be a Facebook NGO page which is supported by an Instagram visual report of your accomplishments as enacted on the day itself. These are only suggestions, you can do it any way you please.

Scholarship / Self-introduction essay to get a graduate scholarship in Korea [6]

Nguyen, which Korean scholarship are you applying for in particular? Each scholarship program has specific prompt requirements for every stage of the essay application process so I need to know which on you are specifically addressing with your essay. As a general personal statement that does not meet a certain amount of minimum requirements, this essay is acceptable to the degree that it speaks of your academic background. However, it does not indicate why you decided to enroll in a specific university, why this particular course, and a more intricate reason for desiring to study in Korea. Overall it is a very good draft, but it is not yet usable as a scholarship specific personal statement.

BTW, we have a one essay per thread policy at this forum so the admin removed the other essays that you posted. You need to post those as separate essays within separate threads. Otherwise the other essays in the thread will keep getting deleted. I hope you can provide me with more specific information, such as the prompt questions you are expected to respond to in the personal statement, so that I can give you more specific tips regarding the improvement of your essay.

Undergraduate / My Childhood Dream - the essay to convince that I would be an important participant of Global UGRAD [2]

Ahmed, I find that the last 2 paragraphs of your essay can be revised to create a more relevant essay for this topic. As a potential Global Ugrad scholar, you clearly indicate that you are not planning on staying in the United States once the semester is over. That is a very good thing to mention in the essay. It highlights that all you are interested in is the learning experience in a social and academic setting, which you can take home with you and share with your classmates at your university. The fact you are explaining how your university lacks academic prowess, which you plan to correct upon your return through an exchange of information means that you are looking forward to improving the educational field in your country.

If you can, focus the interest regarding your gaming friends on Americans rather than an international field. You are trying to gain an American scholarship after all. Discuss how this online community has helped you develop an understanding of how young America functions, what their hopes and aspirations are in life and how you share those points of view. Depict how these interactions have helped to heighten your interest in America as a cultural melting pot, regardless of what the international community thinks of the country at the moment.

The first two paragraphs are out of place in this essay. You can replace those two paragraphs with a representation of your personal academic goals (as opposed to your university academic knowledge transfer goals) and your personal growth interests as additional reasons for your interest in becoming a Global UGrad scholar. The updated information presented in your essay should help you create a more interesting, relevant, and informative essay that will help you become a competitive candidate during the screening process.

Undergraduate / UC Question: how you have worked to overcome an educational barrier you have faced (Dyslexia) [2]

Amanda, I learned more about how your grandmother helped you overcome you Dyslexia as opposed to learning how you accomplished things that helped you to overcome your dyslexia during the early stages. It is important that you highlight how you took the lessons from your grandmother and used it to overcome the reading disability as opposed to what she did to help you get over it.

The essay prompt asks you how you overcame the obstacle, not how other people knew how to help you get over it. The target of this discussion is to show a sense of resilience that college students needs. Remember that you are going to be entering into a world that is cut-throat, competitive, and fast paced. Your illness could hold you back in most of your classes so you need to prove that you will be capable of removing dyslexia as an obstacle to your college career.

Try to better define how you got over dyslexia. That sort of therapy did you have to undergo? When did you start to get over it? How do you continue to find obstacles based on your dyslexia? Does this hinder you or do you already know how to get around your reading limitations? How do you do that? Those are additional information that can help you better illustrate the learning obstacle you have and how you keep managing to skirt the problem.

Undergraduate / UNC Wilmington Application Essay Critique [2]

You have only covered all of the requirements for the choice of University. However you have not complied with the instruction regarding your academic and professional goals in relation to your University choice. It would be best if you remove the reference to your 12 year old self since it is obvious that you are unable to connect that particular portion of the text with the more mature aspect of your interests in computer education. If you wish to retain the 12 year old reference then you must indicate how you built your interest In the computer field from that age in relation to your academic goals. Discuss whatever it is that you learned from the age of 12 onwards that helped you to decide that working in the computer Is what you want to do for the rest of your life.

You must add a separate paragraph for your personal goals. The personal goals must indicate how you wish to conduct your college life, how you see yourself maturing as a student at the university, and also, explain how your addition to the student roster will help to elevate the student community / learning / social experience of the university. Discuss your strong points as a person and make sure the reviewer knows that your personal goals are meant to help you survive 4 years of college and also, develop your future professional network as it may be useful to you in the future.

It may be necessary for you to either write a new essay or adjust the content of this essay in order to properly meet the additional requirements as I have indicated above. With a maximum of 500 words, I do not see why it would be difficult to adjust the content of the essay to make room for the additional information. I should be simple enough to do once you adjust the content of the first paragraph, which is the longest, but most vague reference in terms of discussion content in this version of your response essay.

Undergraduate / Mastercard foundation - my passion for helping others [2]

I do not believe that this essay reflects a personal value that can be reflected in your being helpful. Being helpful is a character trait but it is not something that a person can be passionate about because you are being generally helpful. You are not being helpful to a cause or towards an ideology that you are promoting. Therefore, this essay cannot reflect a personal value such as integrity, honesty, compassion, citizenship, or fairness, to name a few examples of personal values that have an "exciting" reference to it, Even the example that you chose to use for this essay is too simple to be considered a valuable reference to something that you see as a personal value. There is a disconnect between being helpful and learning from others, plus overcoming your own challenges. Those are all different topics that could be used as individual responses to this prompt. However, the prompt is asking for only one example so it would be best to choose a core personal value that you enjoy participating in as an activity. If you want to continue to use the "being helpful" as a response then you will need to build a better explanation for it than you have now.

Scholarship / Chevening leadership essey - I never had innate leadership skills [3]

Anna, this is very good personal statement, for a college application essay or a scholarship application for a program other than Chevening. Your essay is not proving to be strong in terms of professional influencing and leadership discussions. The reviewer is not interested in learning about your apprehensions in life when it comes to leadership. He wants to know if you have any sort of leadership and influencing skills developed over time or existing at the moment. This essay will not get past the screening round. It is not competitive enough because al you are doing is discussing your academic life and making a reference to your professional life, but without justifications for your skills to qualify as a future leader and influencer in your line of work or country.

If you want to revise this essay, then focus on discussing your job at the international company. Discuss the development of your leadership role there until you get to the present, where you will focus the discussion on how you are now best prepared to be an influencer and leader in the profession that you are in. Don't discuss the women's club. That is an after office activity. You need to rely heavily on your professional L&I skills. The ladies club may be used as a foundation / introduction to your workplace leadership and influencing abilities but it should not cover more than 15% of your presentation.

Graduate / SOP - a summary of your academic and professional goals and a description of the research work [2]

Namrata, you can skip the sentence about your academic performance at every stage of your education. You can also omit the mention of having attended various schools over 15 years. The only interest of the reviewer in an SOP with regards to your academic excellence is related to your college education. So those references, along with the quote from David Patterson are irrelevant and a waste of word usage in this essay. You don't need those word fillers, the reviewer doesn't have the time to wade through everything you have written to find the relevant points. Make sure that every paragraph you write is focused in something related to the prompt discussion instructions directly. If it is not, then it should not be placed in the essay.

Your discussion in relation to your academic qualifications are good. You obviously have the proper college studies on hand to help you complete the next step of your education. However, while your academic interests for the masters course is clear, the part of the essay in relation to your master thesis is not. I do understand what you hope to learn about during the course your masters studies, but the focal point of the academic studies , the research paper, is not threshed out in your presentation. What is the thesis statement that you hope to base your MS thesis on when you consider your academic and internship experience? the prompt clearly states: what research work you plan to do as a graduate student at UT? That is the only part that remains unanswered in your presentation.

You can easily develop your explanation for that question by omitting the parts I indicated above. Don't worry about the thesis presentation being the one that you will do as an MS student. You can change that later on. The purpose of the thesis statement at this point is just to prove to the reviewer that there is a professional goal for you in relation to this field and that you are serious about your studies. To make it easier for you to formulate a response, you can refer to your college thesis. Consider what the outcome of that was and how it requires continuing research. Base your MS thesis statement on that.

Writing Feedback / Analyse an argument: Cutting down on water expenses. Lowering water pressure in showers [2]

Esther, I believe that you have done enough work in this essay to score around a 4 with it in an actual setting. The reason that I believe that this would be the score for this work lies in the way that you formatted the essay. The paragraph presentations are lacking transition sentences from the end of one paragraph to the start of the other. This limits the fluidity of the discussion and creates a choppy presentation.

The discussion that you presented shows that you truly did your best to understand the full extent of the prompt you were given. Most of your discussions are on the mark in most instances except in the concluding paragraph. Rather than repeating your inquiries, you should be stating these questions as facts that require a proper response. For example, I would have said:

In the end, it is difficult to support the claim that the lessening of water usage in the apartment complex has resulted in lower water usage and better monthly bill costing for the developer. Unless the previous, current, and future water usage data can be compared, a solid claim based on this idea cannot be made. There also needs to be an observation period of at least 6 months when it comes to water usage in order to determine the actual water usage trend in the first 3 buildings....

I think that it is in this part of the presentation that yo have the most difficulty so you should consider paying more attention to and practicing the way that you write your concluding analysis of the GRE topics you use for practice.

Undergraduate / Who I am as a person is like a pot of jollof rice - 'environment' essay [2]

don't try to be unique in this instance because the end result if a very confusing essay that leaves the reviewer without any memory of what you just wrote. You want him to remember how your background help to shape who you are. At this point the essay is simply overstating your background. Try to find a part of your background that you feel will totally define who you are as a person based on the experience you had. Don't try to use all of the influences in your background, that doesn't deliver a solid representation of who you are or how a person can view you, based on a specific instance. I know that you come from a complex background, that doesn't mean you must confuse the reviewer in the process. Rather, you should pick one solid background for yourself to discuss here. Either you explain how your family helped to shape who you are or, you opt to choose your educational experience in its place. Don't try to do both because it doesn't accomplish the task of creating a memory that the reviewer might be impressed with.

It appears that you have more to say about your educational background when compared to what you had to say about your mother. If I were you, I would remove the parental reference and better develop the academic reference instead. It may create a better essay presentation for you. It may also help to make you a memorable applicant since you will be discussing the kind of student that you will be at the university, thereby informing the reviewer about your potential as a future student at the university.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Scientist believe that by studying behaviour of 3 years old children, we can predict.. [2]

You saw the word "extent" in the prompt instructions an immediately jumped to the conclusion that this is an extent essay. Never jump to conclusions. Read the full instruction sentence before you write your response. Had you read the instructions to the end, you would have learned that this is a direct response essay. As such, you are required to present single sentence responses to the two questions provided. The responses you indicate will outline the type of discussion presentation that is to follow in the reasoning paragraphs.

Save for that mistake, your reasoning presentations are sound and shows that you have a thorough understanding of the topic and the background of the discussion. The references you made in your paragraphs show that you are capable of explaining yourself in English. While grammatically imperfect, the message of the paragraph comes across. Therefore, if you work on developing your English grammar skills, you should be able to show improvement over time. Improving your sentence grammar and presentation will definitely help to increase your overall score in the end.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Why do you choose English as a major? Write a paragraph of about 150 words. [3]

Dang, it would be better for your discussion if you opt to discuss your reason for choosing English as your major based on your desire to pursue a career as a translator and interpreter. These are more geared towards an academic and professional goal that work side by side. it makes you sound like you have a chosen your career path soon after graduation. That is a type of determination that the reviewers tend to be pleased with. By the way, you are not a "student of English class", you are a "student of English". You can stop saying class because a class is what you enroll in to learn. Therefore you are just a student at this point.

The first 4 sentences can be omitted from this presentation. It does not really help to move your essay forward because it is too focused on your previous, early English interest when what the essay requires if a forward thinking presentation of your reasons. By removing those sentences, you will be able to free up more words to help you better explain your academic and profession related goals, which is the basis of the essay.

Writing Feedback / How I Want My Dream Farm To Be [2]

The first few sentences of your presentation are a bit confusing. Not everyone would dream of living on a farm and yet your sentence makes it appear like everyone wants to live on a farm. Maybe you should rephrase that to instead say "people who wish to live on farms would dream of having these things on their own farm." The third sentence is incorrect as it should indicate "these" rathe than "there". I don't believe that these errors are so serious that it would change the meaning of your paragraph. However, clarity is important when you are practicing to write in English because using the wrong vocabulary can change the word meaning. Make sure to brush up on your vocabulary skills. That is your bigger problem at the moment. Your ability to write in an almost clear beginner English manner is good to read in this paragraph. It assures me that you are on the right track towards writing at a native speaker level in the future.

Scholarship / Summary of proposed leadership activity - Endeavour Leadership Program [3]

Dininta, the content of the first and third paragraph should be revised and merge to explain the reasons why you chose the University of Technology Sydney. Those two paragraphs should be intertwined in the presentation because the university choice and course choice are connected when you consider your academic and professional goals. The second paragraph is unimportant and can be skipped in the presentation. By the way you are not a Bachelor of Computer, you are a Bachelor of Computer graduate. There is a difference between two. The former is the name of the course you enrolled in at college and the latter is your title after having completed the course requirements for graduation.

You need to present a clearer idea as to the research you will be performing. The program needs to have you mention at least your proposed activity, even if the dates and locations will not be immediately known. The specificity of that information will prove that you are serious about completing this course. As of now, this part of your essay is unclear to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Celebrities' glamour and wealth may lead to negative example for young people [2]

Allen, there are two problems with this essay, The first, is your response to the prompt requirement. The second, is the lack of clarity in your discussions. Let's address these problems one at a time below.

The prompt paraphrase is asking you to deliver a measured response to the agree or disagree statement. The error lies in the following:

Original question : To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your Response: ... while I agree that it has a negative impact on a teenager, I believe that some celebrities still act as a role model.

Appropriate Response: I partially agree with the aforementioned statement due to several reasons.

The measured response is important because it shows the examiner that you know how to use "emotional" words to describe your opinion. Based on your original statement, it appears that you have a measured, half and half opinion of the given statement which is why I formatted the more appropriate response in the aforementioned manner.

Now, let's address the clarity problem in your discussion.

Your second paragraph sounds like a badly translated presentation of a paragraph that was originally written in your native tongue. It is obvious that you were thinking in a different language and then using English alternative words as you know these to be, without consideration of the proper word usage and how it applies to the statement you wish to make. Hence the confusing presentation of ideas in this paragraph. You need to work on sentence clarity, That can only be achieved by having you familiarize yourself with more English words and its correct meaning for proper application to your paragraphs.

Now, while using examples that are familiar to you help to illustrate your meaning, when your reasoning sentences are problematic and not easily understandable, presenting country specific examples that may not be familiar to the examiner will not help your essay. It is best to use generalized examples for that part so that the examiner can develop a better idea of what you are trying to say.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Is it a good thing for young people to hold the important positions in the government? [2]

@cv47522 when you are asked to discuss 2 points of view plus a personal opinion, you are tasked to create a 3 paragraph reasoning essay that focuses on the public discussion firt, your personal opinion last. That means this a 5 paragraph essay that does not focus on a singular point of view as you currently present. Remember, this is being based on the public opinion, which is represented by the phrases "Some people" and "others", with instructions pointing you in the 2 public point of view discussion first with the instruction "Discuss both these views" then having it ask you to "give your opinion". With this explanation given, it should be obvious to you that your paraphrasing is incorrect. The correct instruction sentence paraphrase is," It is important that I consider both opinions before creating my personal insight into the discussion." This version of the paraphrase clearly follows the instructions from the original prompt and also, outlines your upcoming discussion format.

Don't forget to use opinion representations in your discussion paragraphs to indicate which point of view is being presented. n this instance, you could opt to use the key phrases:

The group that supports this opinion does so because,,,

While the opposing faction believes...

Considering both sides, I would like to opine that...

Clearly indicating the opinion being discusses as part of the topic sentence presentation of each reasoning paragraph will help you present a clearer discussion, which increased your C&C scoring potential.

Now, while the reasons you presented are clear and good, these are all coming from a singular point of view which is the opposite of what the prompt is asking you to do. While this shows me that you understand the topic and that you have good reasons for the discussion, altering the prompt discussion requirement could lead you to receive a failing score for this essay. Always stay on track with the discussion to increase your TA score.

Remember to double check the prompt discussion instruction before you submit the paper to be sure that you did not create a discussion that does not address the requirements. You forgot to do that this time, which is why you wrote an essay that doesn't follow the instructions. I don't need to tell you what the results of not following the instructions can be right?

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile - Who are you? Described as exuberant, interesting, authentic and adventurous [2]

Muhammed, the first and last paragraph of the essay properly represents a third person point of view regarding your characteristics. However, the second point of view, the one from your parents and siblings, should have also been presented from the third person point of view instead of a personal point of view. What you believe and what these people actually think should be two different things. Therefore the statement must sound like it is coming from them, not from you. The prompt does indicate that you should be discussing how other people view you as a person and that line of instructions automatically prevents you from using the first person point of view. This descriptive essay is strong in presentation for the most part. Just adjust the second paragraph presentation and it will be ready for use.

Writing Feedback / The graphs show changes in spending habits of people in UK between 1971 and 2001. [3]

Le, the presentation you are using can be really confusing to the reader because you are comparing the information per type in the same paragraph. For these presentations, since you are using 2 different images, it would be best to use 2 paragraphs to individually represent each graph. The fourth paragraph can then be used for any comparison points between the two images. So the presentation would be outlined as follows:

Analysis 1: 1971 pie chart using chart percentage information
Analysis 2: 2001 pie chart based on pie chart information
Analysis 3: Comparison points presentation using close numbered items such as books, computers, petrol. Use a measured discussion for the paragraph similar to the following:

There was a 2% increase in the petrol spending habits of people from 1971-2001. Along with that, there was a decrease of 5 percent for book purchases when comparing the 1971 expense to the 2001 book sales....

The difference in spending habits should be measured as per the difference in measurements in the third paragraph. Don't try to do it all in one paragraph, it confuses the reader. Task 1 essays require clarity in the data presentation because you are expected to analyze the given information for dissemination to your reader, who cannot see the pie chart for themselves.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: E-LEARNING - tendency for people to study online [3]

Hi Giang. Welcome to EssayForum. You started reviewing for the IELTS test soon enough. We have more than ample time to work together towards the improvement of your work before you take the test next year. I am confident that with my guidance, you will find yourself scoring at least a 7.5 in no time at all. I can tell that you have the potential to reach that score, at the very least because you show a good understanding of the prompt topic, and the reasoning paragraphs are acceptable. However, there are several points for correction within this particular essay that you wrote.

The first correction, comes with the opening paraphrase. I need you to understand that when you are asked to discuss both points of view and then offer your personal opinion, your prompt paraphrase should indicate that as well. Therefore, the thesis statement for his essay should have been:

My personal opinion will be formed by a discussion and consideration of the pro and con public beliefs regarding online learning.

The above statement shows an original presentation based on the discussion instructions, which forms the basis of your thesis presentation in the paraphrase.

From that point, your reasoning paragraphs suffered from a lack of public identification of the given discussions. This created a totally personal point of view consideration for the opposing points of view rather than a signification of the public perception of the discussion. Public ownership of the discussion points could have been made clearer had you used the proper reference phrases such as:

Based on a common public understanding
The public perception that
A section of people believe
The alternative group indicates

are but a few examples of the public ownership of the discussion that could have clarified the discussion reasoning paragraphs in your presentation.

The other problem with your presentation is that your sentences are too long. Known as run-on sentences, what happens when you write these sentences is that you end up creating a string of ideas as single sentence presentation when these ideas need to be presented separately. It would help if your topic sentences were clearer from the first sentence of the presentation so that the rest of the paragraph need not be overly long. These types of sentences tend to lower your scoring potential along the GRA line so you may wan to consider that the next time you find yourself writing a very long sentence.

If you want to make sure you do not write sentences that are too long, then write the reasoning paragraph in a series of 5 individual lines. If your sentence runs into a second line, it is too long and needs to be shortened. Then you compress the sentences into a single paragraph of interconnected sentences, totally avoiding the run-on sentence presentations.

Scholarship / Good leaders are trailblazers, who make a path for others to others to follow; Chevening scholarship [3]

Matthew, you began writing your Chevening scholarships too late. There isn't enough time for you to correct this essay for additional review prior to submission. I am afraid this essay will not be helpful towards your applicant and will prevent you from being considered for the scholarship. This is the type of vague essay that the reviewers do not appreciate reading because it does not really offer an example of a leadership and influencing activity on your part. There is nothing in this essay that you can use as a foundation for a new essay solely because the focus of your discussion is not based on leadership nor influencing.

It appears that you are a trainer, rather than a leader and you are not an influencer but rather a professional coach who helps people outline their professional path. While there may be some leadership and influencing skills involved in this, the fact that you are not focused on a single case for the presentation made you simply imply these skills rather than discuss them. There isn't any time left for me to work with you towards picking out a more appropriate example and developing those in line with the requirements of the essay. You need at least one strong leadership example and one extra impressive influencing presentation. Do you have the time to develop that? With only 2 hours left I highly doubt it. However, if you can write something up as soon as you can, I will here to try and assist you with it. No promises though because you are cutting it dangerously close.

Remove the capitalized words and all references to etc. with ellipses. This is not a casually written essay. Develop an academic tone as a sign of respect all throughout the essay. Try to implement the change I am urging you to make and hopefully, we will still have some time to polish the content before final submission.

Scholarship / I choose The Master of Design, by the University of New South Wales - design and digital media area [2]

Fernanda, placing myself in the position of a lay reader, I cannot understand what your proposed leadership activity is all about. Rather than presenting a multifocal presentation of leadership activities, choose instead to discuss just one of these activities. Then explain what that is all about. For example, a lay person may better understand what wearable technology and biometrics is all about when it comes to interfacing and designs. So work on developing that explanation instead. It will be better than trying to fit in all possible applications for the technology in a single paragraph and within such a limited word count. You only need to present one example. You can use multiple points for your activity when you are already enrolled. Focus on the simple explanation rather than the complex presentation. That way the a reader who is not familiar with the topic will still be able to follow the discussion. You also need to present the schedule of your studio practice as it relates to your leadership activity.

Scholarship / Studying in UK - I choose these three Innovation and Entrepreneurship programs [2]

Taufik, this essay is not as good as it should be in the sense that you have not informed the reviewer about how these courses will be applied to your actual small to medium scale enterprise. Rather than indicating information about entrepreneurship rates in your country, you should be discussing how your personal business practices will be improved by these courses. That means you have to discuss your business philosophy along with your motivation to seek higher entrepreneurship studies. All I read about in this paper is how you will be better trained as a businessperson. Being better trained is one thing, knowing the actual application to your future business is another. It is the future application, in a real sense that is missing from this essay. It isn't just about plans, it is about actual implementation of what you will be learning in the pursuit of developing your personal entrepreneurship that should be the highlight of the course and university choice discussions.

Scholarship / Innovative Project Manager - Chosen course and Career Plan for Chevening [3]

Vania, you do not clearly explain how your academic and professional experiences have prepared you for these course choices. You need to create 2 full paragraphs before you present your course choices. The first paragraph will detail your academic background. Include any and all awards that you received during this time to show that you have the academic excellence with which to complete this program. The second paragraph should cover your professional experience and motivating factors for increased academic knowledge. These experiences, with company recognition indicated whenever possible, should help to explain your professional background in relation to your motivating factors and course choices. The course choices themselves do not need to be adjusted as it has a future career relevance presentation each time. There is no need to change that part of the presentation.

Scholarship / Leadership - great leader's courage to fulfill his vision which comes from passion, not position [2]

@Amedia the first half of your paragraph need to be revised. The definition if leadership is of no importance to this essay. Your vision of leadership, by personal definition is a waste of space. The partnership that you created needs to be removed from this essay and moved to your networking presentation instead. The real part of this essay that you should use to build the leadership and influencing essay is the second paragraph. The discussion regarding the first project you carried out.

Define your position as a leader, what your responsibilities were and how you came to be required to work with the Ministry of environment. Who did you speak to, what passion did you show, and more importantly, how yo mobilized the community members. The latter part being the most obvious example of your influencing skills, should have its own clear and stand alone paragraph.

Work on a 2 essay presentation. The first is your definition of leadership through action. That means you don't define, but you show how you lead and the type of leadership / definition of leadership based on your actions. The second will be the influencing paragraph, focus on detailing what the problem with the community was, why you needed to influence this mindset, and how you did that.

Simply stating the facts as quickly as possible will allow you to catch the reviewer's attention and also, give you more word space to better explain yourself in terms of discussion points.

Writing Feedback / Differences between human workers and robot workers [3]

Li, when indicating ownership of something such as employer's commands, an apostrophe S is used to indicate that a person or persons own the action or thing. The apostrophe after the S is used only when a contraction. You made these mistakes in your essay presentation. Remember the rules about the use of an apostrophe S and apply it next time. When you indicate an example in an essay, such as the story of the discovery of penicillin, tell the whole story. Since this refers to an accidental discovery, explain how it happened.Finally, the reference to the coding situation. Humans can easily adjust to the situation, they can resolve the situation, they do not solve the question because coding refers to a program that instructs a process, it is not a question.

What I can see in this essay is that you have a very good grasp of the English language and its vocabulary. Now, there are still imperfections in your sentence structures and word presentation but these do not hinder the understanding of what you are trying to impart to your reader. As an ESL, a native English speaker can make allowances for these simple mistakes but you should try to avoid repeating the same errors in the future if you want to improve your writing skills in English.

Scholarship / Master Degree for pursuing Future Goals as CEO Startup- Chevening Essay (Personal Statement) [2]

Ratu, this essay is not yet the Study in the UK essay. This particular personal statement covers only your first choice university and should be discussed accordingly. In actuality, your essay does not respond to the 3 prompt requirements in a manner that indicates that you understood what was required of you in the essay response. You cannot use this essay in this form. You need to write a new one. Let me see if I can pick out new foundation responses for you based on every question provided.

1.Why have you chosen to apply to the University of XYZ to study this subject?
- No information that is useful from the current version. You need to discuss your first choice university. The first choice university should have given you an unconditional offer at this point.

2.Which personal qualities do you possess that will help you to successfully complete this programme of study?
- Use a modified version of the 3rd paragraph. Focus on your personal qualities as a student.

3.How will studying this programme help you when you return home and in your future career?
- Modify your first paragraph and remove the quoted information. Use the following information:
*I went to Aceh Singkil ...drive the economy.
* I believe Pulau Banyak ...on as a young generation.

The essay should not be more than 3 directly responsive paragraphs. The reviewer prefers pointed paragraphs because of the limited time he has to review each applicant's documents. Don't make it too long by making introduction and concluding paragraphs. 3 paragraphs work best for this type of application.

Scholarship / Mid-level management position - CHEVENING LEADERSHIP [4]

Ayouazi, the essay you wrote goes too far back into your childhood to make a difference. In fact, that whole essay is nothing but a throw away draft. It does not depict you in a leadership and influencing position at all. That is because the focus of your discussion is incorrect. Forget everything that you wrote at the start of this essay, try to develop the presentation starting with your mid-level management position in your position instead. Try to think of a time when, during an auditing session, you discovered a problem that needed to be addressed. How did you address this problem and what sort of influencing skills did you have to use? Depict how you resolved the situation in a manner that clearly displays your leadership traits and influencing abilities. As an auditor, I am sure that you have had several of these experiences that you can use in this essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / Water in Agricultural use - Writing task 1 - pie chart [3]

Tran, while the analytical information of the essay is acceptable, your summary overview is not. The requirements of the summary overview are unchangeable. The overview summary must always include:

1. The topic
2. The reason
3. Measurement type
4. Other information
5. Trending sentence

The more appropriate presentation is therefore:

6 pie charts indicating the percentage of water use in 6 countries represented by North and South America, Europe, Africa, Central and South East Asia have been provided for review. The charts indicate the different methods by which water is used in these area are listed as industrial, agricultural, and domestic use. A quick analysis of the chart indicates that all 6 countries tend to use a major amount of water supply on its agricultural needs.

It is from that point you may continue your analytical presentation. The report that you created highlights how you have noted all of the important aspects of the charts so you did well, analysis wise. Save for the overview problem, I don't really see any major areas of concern in your presentation.

Scholarship / The Relationships Building Skills I learned and the Professional Network I build [2]

Dina, you have explained the foundation of your networking skills. But I have not seen any real use for your network in an expanded setting. There is a lack of useful discussion that would prove the effectiveness of your network. I need to see an event that attests to the usefulness of this highly expanded and international network that you claim to have. As Chevening requires the applicants to have an international and local network of contacts, you will automatically catch the attention of the reviewer. However, the lack of justification to support these claims, the essay loses impact and lessens the impression it makes upon the reviewer. It is better to portray your working network within the essay rather than simply discussing it in this run-down method. You just need to present one or two events that clearly show the use of your network to show that this will be a useful addition to the Chevening roster. That is the main consideration for this essay.