Graduate / Need reviews and suggestions for my SOP. Mechanical [9]

Hi, I have never heard of anyone's essay not passing a plagiarism checker after posting on this site. Other people have asked this question. Their bots are not allowed to probe our site, so you should not worry. However, if you ever are accused of plagiarism, you can show the person that the essay is in a post that belongs to Avinash Raghuram. It is good that you used your full name in creating your membership, so you can always show people that the essay belongs to you.

Kind regards

:-)

Undergraduate / 'fury and frustration' - UC Transfer Prompt 1- Experiences in Art [3]

If you want to make sure this is one of the most impressive essays they get, write a paragraph or two as a research paper.

Cite some recent articles written by people who you admire, contemporary people in the field you are entering, and then use MLA style to list the info about their articles at the end of the paper. If you know how to do that, consider doing it, because it will enable you to write like someone who is already sort of an expert, so proactive in your pursuit of art.

This is just my idea for you, not the standard way of writing an admissions essay.

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/printable/557/
modern-art.suite101.com/articles.cfm

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- "Challenge" [4]

Great them! "always up for a challenge" is an excellent idea, and you delivered this in a smart way. Whie I am praising you, I'll also mention that you get this week's award for coolest username.

Now how about comin up witha clear vision for the future, complete with details about the professors you'll learn from at their school (google them), the kind of organization you want to work for, the unique combinaton of interests that make you resolute about your future. You can do all this in a sngle paragraph, and it will make it so that the great energy you mustered with ts approach will drive the idea that you are steadfast in your determination to succeed.

If you convey that truth, who could ever deny you admission to the school?

Undergraduate / 'New ways / The Getaway' -Tufts University - Why Tufts? & Short Story [13]

Hey Baoguang, I was just noticing all the great help you've been giving other people. You are very thoughtful.

Thanks, it made me want to come help with your essay again.

You need to practice writing in the past tense. Instead of saying, "My family has been moving from place to place since I am young," you should say, "My family has been moving from place to place since I was young."

"I am" is present tense.
"I was" is past tense.

Keep woring on that verb tense: The truth is that I have intense feelings that day, but I am not sure if I am putting it in the right way. ---->The truth is that I had intense feelings that day, but I am not sure if I am putting it in the right way.

Undergraduate / Common App: Activity (photographer... work with my dad) [8]

I suggest "I must be" in place of all those "You must be" statements. It is more charismatic in this ind of essay to use the first person perspective.

Also, the first sentence is a fragment, not a complete sentence:
Those familiar words represent my job, my obligation, my passion.

And it weirdly focuses on both the words and the fact that photography is your passion. It should oly focus on one of those ideas. Those familiar words represent my job, which is also a familial obligation and a personal passion.

I am the son of a photographer, which means I can usually be found retouching, taking or elaborating photos.

I suggest focusing more on the fact that your love for photography is linked to your love for family. That sort of thing goes a long way in these essays! :-)

Undergraduate / Singing + perfect concert - SHORT ANSWERS FOR USC: MUSIC [4]

This should be a dash, not a semi-colon:

Most of all, singing opened up the doors to an appreciation for music -- a field which I plan to pursue.

If you say "in which" it means you are doing something in the field... in which I want to excel.

A field which I want to pursue...
A field in which I want to excel...

Two years ago a gradual realization dawned on me: I was different.

Undergraduate / "varsity basketball" - univ of portland/common app essay [4]

A player's eyes follow a basketball game closely, his body lurching forward, with his chin resting on a fist, his elbows are at rest on their pressed against his thighs, a nd he has no sweat on his brow. He's not breathing hard , and he's planted firmly in his seat.

This opening sentence was too long and clunky! Do you like this way that I fixed it?

You should not be afraid to end those sentences:
I believe my first year of varsity basketball was one of the toughest experiences I had to go through. It challenged me both physically and mentally. (Now add one more sentence to the end of this first paragraph -- a sentence that conveys the main idea o the essay.)

Undergraduate / "inclined towards music", Common App-elaborate on an activity in 150 words [3]

From then on, my church's youth group band has been a wonderful weekly experience that I cherish to this day . "to this day" was redundant, because you already said "from then on."

Through the years, my passion for music has grown considerably and I now delve into five other instruments, always looking for better outlets via which to express myself with .

:-)

Nice, you are a real musician! Keep it up.

Undergraduate / "my first speech for the club." [3]

Oh, don't worry about indentation in this forum. I can see where the paragraphs break.

you have a great username!

Am I destined to stay this way? I felt I needed to prove to those particular people, those people from whom I'm always shying away, that I was a confident person.

Good, now I think you can make this stronger by showing how the speaking experience is part of the foundation for your career. How is this related to your professional aspirations? Develop that last paragraph some more by talking about your academic and professional plans as they are affected by this empowering experience.

Undergraduate / One's environment does not hinder one's capability for success. - UC #1 [4]

Too often, that same child later find herself growing into an adulthood that is a duplicate of her youth.

or...

Too often does that same child later find that her or his adulthood is characterized by the same habitual patterns that were at work during youth. herself growing into an adulthood that is a duplicate of her youth.

Writing Feedback / An Indian milieu [12]

Ha ha, yes, for now help me correct some of these essays! I'm having trouble keeping up. :-)

Undergraduate / "reality and fantasy" - UC prompt #1 - my world [3]

It seems like you jump from one idea to the next... but you can fix it easily. Introduce travel in that first paragraph where you introduce reality and fantasy. What is the connection between them and travel?

In para #2, you can talk about the large family, but you must connect it to travel. Travel is going to be your major in school, right? Correct me if I am wrong.

Let travel be the theme that is upheld throughout every paragraph, and this will be a strong essay.

Or... what is the main idea of this essay as you intend it? Is it travel or something else?

Undergraduate / "to California from France" - UC #1 My family's impact [4]

Yes, a bit cheesy, but you can fix it! Just get rid of the last word.

...made me realize the true value of family.

Undergraduate / Perfect School Balance - Northwestern Statement [5]

I laughed at myself when I thought about partying in college while pursuing my education seriously. To me, both remained polar opposites of each other; if I chose to live the life of a partying college student, I would not excel in academics.

This is a good idea for an essay! I like your approach.

On the other hand, if I studied so earnestly that I neglected friends , my social life would crumble before I even graduated. However, when I visited Northwestern over the summer of 2009, I found the solution to my question: (give a phrase here that tells the answer)

To me, Northwestern represents the perfect balance.

Undergraduate / Statement Family's experience ("they think I'm the typical Chinese person") [3]

You write very well! Just use some commas:
Growing up in America was very difficult for me , since my parents were originally born in China and I was the first child they raised in the United States. It was hard for them to teach me how to speak English , because they were also beginning to learn the language as well. I felt like I was suffering going to school everyday , being the girl who didn't know how to talk or read.

My parents had worked as bankers back in China. Coming to America, they were reduced to working jobs that required less intelligence but more energy and able bodies.

Undergraduate / "My dream was to become a millionaire" - UC Prompt [3]

This last para should not begin with a sentence about getting an F. It should reflect back on that topic from the beginning -- being a millionaire. It is reasonable for someone who has experienced financial stress to want to be wealthy. I hope you will tie the end of this essay to the beginning... it is a good theme, so reaffirm it at the end!

:-)

Undergraduate / Before entering high school, I had endured through my social shyness and anxiety [4]

Before entering high school, I had endured adversity associated with my social shyness and anxiety that had limited my success as a student and my ability to communicate with others.

This should be split into 3 paragraphs. Let the intro introduce the reader to the main idea. Then, para #2 can explain it. You have some nice reflection at the end, so let that be para #3.

This does not need both developed and enhanced: As I developed and enhanced both my running and social skills, I became a leader for my team and was eventually named Varsity team captain.----> awesome, that must have been empowering for an introvert.

With the social skills that I have developed throughout my high school education through connecting with my peers and community, I now realize my great potential fo r future successes that I can acquire at UC Davis.

Scholarship / Morrill Scholarship Essay for OSU [2]

Let's fix up this important part of the essay: the end of the first paragraph.

My life has been an active stand against these stereotypes promoted by the infamous "Moynihan Report" and other scholarly resources; I have embodied my own brand of blackness, and I believe it is something meaningful that I can contribute to diversity at the Ohio State University.

I like that thought very much. This is an important affirmation of our responsibility to resist stereotypes and create our futures in a proactive way.

This is very good. The quote at the end is perfect.

I think you should only use "Due to my" to start one paragraph, not 2 paragraphs..

Undergraduate / "all-Hispanic farm community" - UC Personal Statements Rough Draft [2]

Throughout my life, I have been criticized for having aspiring dreams of leaving a tiny, all-Hispanic farm community dominated by gangs and drugs to pursue a greater education.

They tried to destroy the confidence that enabled me to be different. They tried to abolish my confidence for being different.

You have some important insights. Some people who try hard in school are accused of "acting white," because people think that the curriculum is designed to favor the majority, etc.. You might want to write a little about pressure from people who told you you were trying to "act white" by doing well in school. It sounds like that was an experience you had. This is an issue that I think will resonate with the admissions person reading this essay.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2- "Be the change you wish to see..." [2]

I never really considered myself as an athlete; after years of dropped basketballs and unsteady pitches on the field, I probably should have called it quits. Probably... but I didn't.

Above, I added a semi-colon. The sentence was a run-on sentence...

Use a comma here:
After that , I suddenly found it necessary to go to the gym more often, necessary to work on my skills even when I wasn't playing.

Who encouraged you to give up? the veterans you mentioned? If it was them, you should refer to them at the end:
And I'm glad I didn't call it quits, even when all the "veteran" older players thought I should have.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Essay. Critique and give me a helping hand. [3]

Lehigh University became a household name when I was a kid. My father had immigrated to America when he was seven years old and grown up in Fullerton, Pennsylvania. A right outside of Bethlehem.

This sentence is not quite right:
Lehigh provides a nationally acclaimed education that emphasizes the importance of my desires. focuses on areas of development that are aligned with my desires. ----> after this, you should list specific examples that show how this school is perfect for your unique aspirations.

Undergraduate / "I found an art + Skateboarding" - Help wrapping up my essays for UC's! [3]

I think you should refer to the question a bit more at the start:
When I reflect on the question of how my family and environment have influenced me, I think of disadvantages I have suffered in my life, and how I overcame these disadvantages.

I found an art form through which I can show...
The conclusion of essay #1 should be developed more. Say something meaningful about this insight in relation to your envisioned future.

Every day I had bruises and...

In the second essay, how does this relate to the person you are? You answer, "Skateboarding makes me who I am today." and... Skateboarding over all showed me that plain (what kind of effort? Sincere effort, maybe) effort can produce extraordinary outcome.---> add a sentence at the end to connect this insight to your chosen professional field.

Undergraduate / "I've lived in a Mexican culture" - this is my friends 1st college prompt essay. [2]

I come from a family of five, that's including me, and I've lived in a Mexican culture throughout my whole life.

That includes like requires going to college and being empowered that way when I finish my pursued career I will be able to secure a well paying job position of responsibility in (name your chosen field here) -- so and in this way, Ii will be able t o support my family.

I hope you will revise this so that your clear vision for the future is outlined in a way that shows that you are serious and focused. It is great that you are dedicated to family, so connect that with a well-developed plan for the future. Focus a little more on your specific passion -- not just a passion for earning money to help your family, but also passion for your chosen field.

Undergraduate / Single Parent- UC transfer prompt #2 [2]

You write very well!

Here is a way to manage long sentences with a dash:
This was a benefit for me when it came to close personal relationships, like the one I had with my mom, but at times it hurt me socially -- especially with regard to meeting new people.---> and I changed "when it came"

You should not start that last para with "That is why in that moment at..." Instead of starting with "That is why," you should at least say, "For this reason, during that moment at the soccer game..."

But it would be even better if you develop that idea more, and let the reader see an image of that moment at the soccer game.

Undergraduate / becoming a business/accounting major - UC Personal statements- transfer student [2]

For prompt one, the first sentence does not go with the theme about your aunt.

I see that you have two themes... your leadership experience and inspiration from your aunt. You need to develop the conclusion more and focus the intro more. Focus that intro on your aspirations, and introduce the idea of your aunt in para #2.

Develop that conclusion more by giving a sentence about your aunt and your aspirations... with a common theme. You have to be creative about it.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Shakespeare's Iago [14]

...one of the most creative and intelligent characters Shakespeare has ever created.

You write so well!! Great job... I'll leave it up to you to fix this thesis statement: Through analysis of Iago's spoken discourse with Roderigo, Othello, Desdemona, Cassio, and Emilia, Shakespeare provides a depth of character unheard of for such a soulless villain.----> Do you see the problem? Shakespeare is not analyzing; through analysis one can see depth of character that contrasts against soul-lessness. You have to reword that sentence so that it does not suggest that Shakespeare does something through analysis.

Iago immediately reassures Roderigo of his (Iago's) support and affection for him, showing a supportive and intuitive side that does not fit with Iago's soliloquies.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Spending time with a large number of friends can add more to one's life. [4]

Despite the fact that friendship is one of the most important values in a human life, people might have different preferences: some of them prefer to spend time with one or two close friends, while others prefer to be surrounded by a large number of friends.

you are doing very well!! Your English is better than my Spanish...

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT#1(transfer) "i will not lose my family anymore" [3]

Hot steam was hitting my face, giving my body relaxation. It started form my face to whole body then infiltrate inside till to my mind. Recollections came out: "my dear, do you know who I am? Do you know where you are..." my mother was holding my father's hands when his mind got unconscious. Doctors were busy with putting medical injections for my father. But I was watching in front of the IUC (is this supposed to be ICU?) room perplexedly and fearfully without doing anything helpful...

You have a great idea, but your English is not perfect. I can't help very well, because I don't know what you mean o say with some of this. I hope you will bring it to people who will help you some more. This is such a good idea... money is not everything, but it is important when medical issues arise.

I am not going to lose them ever! The struggles of my family tells me that inappropriate investments or financial decisions can bring fatal consequences to any family and finally get to th and, ultimately, sadness.

Undergraduate / Mechanical Engineering - University of California PROMPT#1 [3]


Awesome!! Let's get rid of some details and distractions so that these excellent sentences can be emphasized.

I'll get you right to the point in this intro:
Mechanical Engineering has been my intended major ever since I was in middle school. has been Mechanical Engineering. See? No commas to slow you down.

This is terrific! I like your writing style and the outlook for the future. How about citing some articles about mechatronics? You are impressive with your... methodical thinking. Hey, google my favorite mechanical engineer: Dr. Yang Jwing-Ming.

Undergraduate / THEATRE AS A CATALYST - UC ESSAY #2 [3]


Specify what kind of arts here. Everyone loves art in general... but you love particular forms.

I like your username!! Don't be too skeptical, though, because reality is ridiculously dreamy. It is unrealistic to be skeptical when something as weird as this is happening!!

Acting showed me how to interact with all types of people. -----> good observation!! Hey, this title begs a question: catalyst for what? A catalyst for many things, I see.

But you should state plainly, at the beginning or end, what theatre is a catalyst for. The word catalyst should appear in the essay.

Undergraduate / It is the most import discovery from Golf&Tennis" UC P.S.Prompt#2 [2]

The traits exhibited through my talent in each of these sports are relevant to my entire life, and they will would transfer and come with me into my experience at UC.

This sentence is good, but it does not belong at the end of the first paragraph. Use the end of the first para to give a statement of your purpose: what you intend to do with this education you are getting.

Tell them about your specific aspirations in that sentence at the end of the 1st para.

I see that this is a good essay about qualities developed through sport... but it is supposed to be an essay about your... oh, wait a minute. I see that you are responding to a prompt, so maybe this is appropriate after all.

Okay, even though this is not just a personal statement... I still think you should talk about each quality in terms of your intended major/career.

Undergraduate / the Philly community, Penns Supplement. [6]

It's and/or.

You can list a few of each kind of community.

Undergraduate / 'One entrepreneur' - UIUC essay: your academic interests and/or professional goals. [3]

And my interest in business has been stimulated since then.

As I grew up, the professional books on my father's bookshelf became readable for me; one of these, a book called The Basics of Accountancy fascinated me, and I took it from father's bookshelf.

The thing to do now is go into greater detail about how you will use your accounting knowledge, where you would like to work, and what UNIQUE aspirations you have. Show them a clear plan.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2- Forgotten Passion [2]

...learned the importance of teamwork and I discovered something I am passionate about: (name thing here)----> I think you mean dance, but ending the first paragraph this way makes me unsure...

I pranced around in my tights and ballet flats, and often receiving compliments from my teacher for picking things up quickly.

He announced that we would be doing a routine at the end of the course and that those perform successfully would pass the class.

Undergraduate / THE STRANGE ROAD TO MY PASSIONS - CULINARY ARTS OR ENGLISH? - UC ESSAY #1 [3]

You take a bit too long to bring that first paragraph to an end. At the end of the first paragraph, you can tell the reader what the essay is really about, so it is good to get to the point early and then support that point.

Oh! And I see that you bring it to a close by talking again at the end about your parents empowering you. So... after you explain that in the first few sentences, give a good thesis statement and end that paragraph. Make the rest of para #1 into para #2.

You write very well!!

Undergraduate / "stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies" - My common application essay [4]

Don't capitalize martial arts.

Wow! You won me over with the first paragraph. Great writing here... I like the use of parentheses for (heroine, actually), and I like the citation of Rhonda Byrne.

Now get rid of this: , or an event for that matter. ... and replace it with a sentence that tells the reader what to expect in this essay, the main idea -- and I suggest involving your intended major or course of study in that main idea, so you can present yourself as totally focused and driven.

The last paragraph, too: give definition to your vision for the future. Tell what things you want to accomplish as a professional. Here is something for you about "thoughts become things."

Undergraduate / "playing the piano" - COMMON APP ESSAY: Elaborate on one of your activities [5]

Playing the piano using this method during my Grade Eight Piano Exam in 2004, my examiner said something to me that is still, to this day, etched in my mind: 'you made my day'.

The examiner said it while you were playing... they are not "etched in your mind to this day" while playing... I hope that makes sense! I don't know how to explain it! :-)

Undergraduate / "I have to take care of many everyday jobs, anxiety" - help. prompts 1 and 2!! [4]


This sentence is sort of weak... I'm not really able to explain why, but it is a weak start. I think it is because you list two after school activities and say they were your life after school and track... at some ambiguous time in your history. For a powerful sentence, say something certain:

I was not one of those kids with no responsibilities. Throughout high school, I would participate in sports and keep up with my homework, but I also had a lot of chores every day.

This needs a theme. How about a theme of "running to keep up." You can talk about running in track and running to keep up with responsibilities...

Undergraduate / UC 2: Being a Judoka [4]

At the start of this essay, you should write a thoughtful sentence about what it is like to work and become stronger instead of giving up. You can write another sentence about how that is especially true in the career you are about to prepare for in college. Then, finish the first paragraph with a sentence about how you gained insight into the nature of perseverance when you became a judoka.

After that introduction, write about the experience and explain how it changed you.

Undergraduate / Activities: Job at a Filipino Restaurant [Common App] [3]

In that first line, important is not as good a word as satisfying or meaningful. What is it you are really trying to say?

"Who knows" is a weak ending. A strong one would be one that conveys the fact that you know. and you can describe the specific kinds of business strategies you might use, too. Cite some articles and show that you are starting to read about entrepreneurship and strategic management, etc.