Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prediction of world population growth - 4000 millions of people in 2040. [9]

Let me give a try for an overview:
Overall, the proportion of the world population growth is expected to drop dramatically to 6000 millions after a short peak at 8000 millions in 2040.
Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Japanese tourists in Australia - numbers went from 0% to 6% [5]

Use these phrases to avoid repetition of words in your visual writing:
The number of = the figure for
Between 1985 and 1995 = From 1985 to 1995 = over a period of 10 years = in a decade


The two charts provides information about the number...

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Japanese tourists in Australia - numbers went from 0% to 6% [5]

You write well. I like the way you present that data. However, I have one question:



How do you presume that 0% is the part of data given?

Writing Feedback / 'Internet is helping humankind for getting information important from corner of the world' [15]

Here do I share how to Logon to EF :
1. On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
2. Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
3. On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
4. Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.

As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.

Writing Feedback / Older people lived with their children - multifarious Nursing Home Advantages [2]

Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.
As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.

Writing Feedback / 'People need food, fashion, and health' - advertisements may improve our lives [6]

Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.

Writing Feedback / I am inclined to believe that the TV advertisements which are directing to youngs should be banned [3]

Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)


Called run-on sentence. Suggestion: put a conjunction/ a period between two main sentences.


incomplete sentence

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Boys and Girls leisure activities; computer games, netball, basketball [5]

Hellooo Frined :D
Problem with subject-verb agreements;





Overall, this is good. All you have to do is to pay particular attention to mechanics.

Hope this helps :D

A short note: I did work for this visual writing. Just now. Go get my timeline.

Research Papers / I Need a Reseach Topic in Linguistics / English Syntax [6]

I don't know whether this works for you or not :D
The use of discourse analysis and syntactic structure as a framework for the nature of language.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The same money for sport activities or libraries? They assemble money from learner [7]


this idea is too general.



Write 'confer with'.


Give some specific examples to support this idea.



Write 'a large library.'


bad grammar.

I find many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea.
Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / Technology become Culture - big effect to our lives [7]

Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.


as your reader, I don't understand this idea. Better rewrite.


This would sound more clear and nicer if you break this sentence. This is too long.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Emigration intentions, Bulgarian aged 15-60, 2001 & 2006 [9]



Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / parents are the best teachers. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer [7]

Many grammar and sentence problems. 'Yeah, really!'
Suggestion: Read as many articles as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / Commonly understood; Game are as important for adults as they are for children. [6]


Children like playing games, but adults don't.


give some examples here


Bad grammar. I suggest you to rewrite

Many grammar and sentence problems. 'Yeah, really!'
Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]


you have problems with comparative forms





You still have problems with the plural forms.


clearly write 'overall'


Incomplete sentence and idea.

Many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea. 'Yeah, really!'
Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / small town vs big city - pros and cons [4]

Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.


use article



what do you mean?


I find many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people enjoy change, new experiences. Changing our habits is making us better [7]

Write more. 214 words.
I find many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea.
Suggestion: Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

From the other side, changes in one lives giving new experience(bad grammar) . We will find good condition. It's great when boring becomes. I always try to make changes, for example. However, when my feel not good I cannot focus to do anything in my life(more specific) . Thereby, changes our habits is important to make people better(How important is it?) . Moreover, people get new knowledge(like what) when change they live. When I am bored as an, I am going to new place to get good idea. Except like that, I did not something. It is make my time always wasted away.


Write 'you'. This is IELTS, not Diary writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people like to do only what they already do well. [10]

I find many problems: grammar, vocabulary, sentence, idea.


Try to include some specific examples for your reasoning


Read as many IELTS writings as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Good Idea? Knowledge vs Money. [8]

Many grammar mistakes.
Read a good grammar book.

As we know became a student its not easy because you have responsible to your parents(wrong grammar) . But as a teenagers, we have many needs for living. If just take it for your parents maybe its not enough(wrong grammar) . Teenagers have jobs while they are still students, I think is a good idea.(bad sentence) I have some reasonSwhy Ito say that.

Firstly, I ever have job while I'm still a student so I know. that is not easy, I must school from in the morning until evening and then I must work until night.(bad sentence) I don't have manymuch time for taketaking a rest, hang out with my friend, and I might don't have time for my family. But, step by step I can understand, working not only use your power but youalso need strategy. Strategy that I mean you should be set your time, make schedule, and do it all with consistent.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]


Topic: Many people believe that the ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined in recent times.
Task: Discuss the causes of this problem and offers some possible solutions to it.

The intro you have is good, but too long. Try to make your intro short and simple. Therefore readers are easy to catch the ideas you want to deliver.

Here do I give you a try:
Every person needs to be illiterate and numerate. Some people claim there is a decline in the areas of literacy and numeracy among students. By identifying the published sources of problems, I would propose some elegant solutions to a very complex set of these.

A short note: For me, the areas of literacy and numeracy are not limited to the skills of reading and writing and the ability to use numbers. Let's see: most people nowadays use the basic skills of these to participate in many aspect of life. One example is leadership.

Writing Feedback / IELTS International sporting games are essential in releasing patriotic emotions; safe way [2]


Sports unite peoples from different corners of the world. (Hook)


For some people, sport events heighten international tensions. For some others, this is the best way to express the feeling of patriotism. Both views have merits and demerits. (Background)

However, I believe that sports have always been very important in this part of the world. (Thesis statement)


wrong grammar :(


wrong grammar. This can be a singular/plural


wrong grammar :(


Redundancy. These words have no different meanings.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam; changes to the educational system; good & bad effects [3]


I feel this sentence is incomplete, disrupting the free flow of the ideas in this paragraph.


acquire knowledge


This is a very good phrase. Many students use this as a concluding signal. However, I think you'd better try to use the formal ones. Here are some less common lexical items:

- The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
- Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...




A brief note from an IELTS trainer: Many IELTS students become obsessed with 'linkers' - words or phrases that link ideas together in a paragraph e.g. firstly, secondly, furthermore, moreover. There is nothing wrong with using linkers, and they can certainly help you to write good paragraphs. (My personal view) I am afraid that you are overusing the linkers. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]


And the same to you, kobehstan.
Let me give you a piece of advice :D
1. For the next essay, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph. Why? the first thing the examiner sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately know your writing needs more work to read.

2. Have a look at the two structures for the introduction and overall essay offered by Dumi. Also, I strongly suggest to follow those structures.
3. Before start writing, you'd better analyze the prompt in order to earn a good score for Task response, like this:
Statement: Many people believe that the ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined in recent times.
Task: Discuss the causes of this problem and offers some possible solutions to it.
Make sure you answer the task
4. Read as many texts as you can to improve your writing skills. Reading texts not only gives you some new ideas about different topics, but it also improves your vocab and grammar.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: taking risk vs careful planning [7]


This preposition can be used when saying what people, organizations, and reports have said, not quoted from your words.


Use a comma to mark off a dependent clause from an independent clause


This sentence is too long. I suggest you use a comma before conjunction joining two main clauses.
As you can see can be replaced with accordingly,


Shorten this. Long sentence gives more work to the reader as he needs to memorize things.

Hope this helps :D

Undergraduate / Home stay program in Japan - My hobbies, culture activities, sporting activities [7]


months can be a plural noun here.
Write 'my 18-month homestay program'


Faulty Parallelism> Write ' cooking'..., ' having'..., and 'playing'...,


Pay particular attention to tense use


Write 'forge', instead make. Make is too common to describe something.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Solving the issues of growing traffic and pollution - Increase petrol price? [6]




When you write firstly, secondly, lastly to mention supporting points , I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.


This item is highly common.
Use these less common lexical items:
The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Eassy For Toefl: computer for students vs books for library [6]


Subject-verb agreement. A book only talkS ...


Write precisely. Avoid using general expressions that makes views sound too simple.



This item is highly common.
Use these less common lexical items:
The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Working people are busy -don't have time for family and friends; severe consequences [5]


the new employees...


After reading the intro, I think you'd better rewrite it. Here do I show you.
Today, working condition has changed the way of people life. Some people spend many hours at work. This affects quality time with family and friends. I would argue that the competition for job and modern electronic inventions shift people' attention away from interpersonal activities.

I like you writing, by the way. Also ,I think this is a good idea not to use lots of the connective words. And you did :D

However, you should pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]

Nice to meet you too :D
Well, some say it is ready-to-use phrases to help students enrich vocabularies and develop writing skills. Therefore some phrases become "popular" to adjust in essays. However, these can be categorized as memorized languages, and overuse of connective words (see: in following essay) This is a know problem, which is easily penalized by assessors.

My suggestion: try to make your own expression, by paraphrasing the perfect phrases

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS :Distance-learning cannot bring the benefits that traditional colleges offer; Agree? [3]



This indicates you don't care enough to finish a sentence properly.
You don't need to use lazy language expressions (eg 'etc', or and so forth') They are are used more in spoken language.


the hyphen, incorrectly used.

Overall, I enjoy your writing, very impressive.

Speeches / IELTS SPEAKING PART 1 - Tell me about the house/flat you live in [3]

Even though this typescript is required for speaking, putting commas between phrases is a must.
Tips for commas: read one of your sentences aloud and see where you would naturally pause, where you would draw a breath. If it's a short pause, like that just was, you probably need a comma.

You are being asked some familiar questions in IELTS speaking part 1. Your task is to response the questions briefly.
If you think you need to elaborate the responses, like you did above. My suggestion: save it for the second and third parts.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]

Faulty Parallelism:


Possible revision:
reading some books, performing the dialogue in the book with their partners, and calculating some real problems in society


In IELTS, you should avoid using 'Lazy expression.' This belongs more to spoken language.


You'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect phrase is much more acceptable . Therefore they use even the IELTS exam. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the assessors at all because it is too common for words .You may get penalized

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Young people now have a lot of pressure . [5]

A few details:

sudents

You should utilize the grammar and spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling and grammar problems as possible before submitting your essays.


another reason is that there areseveral limited sites to enroll in university
make your sentence straightforward

It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ...,

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2:Our cities are noisier than ever before. Why is this so, and what can be done [4]


Working to a very tight deadline , construction companies would prefer to choose continuously operation and apply heavy machines during day and night.

You write well. However, try make your sentence straightforward

Writing Feedback / internet is the great innovation in our lives; be selective to see many effects [6]


You don't need to use this.
In IELTS, this is called 'Lazy expression', belonging more to oral presentation.


I have used this phrase. Also, from some corners of the world I see that many students think this 'memorized expression' is much more acceptable. To tell you the truth it doesn't impress the readers at all because it is too common for words. You'd better rewrite this expression.


This can be replaced with cybercitizens/ Netizens

Writing Feedback / Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share. [3]

Use these phrases to avoid repetition of words in your visual writing:
The number of = the figure for
Between 1985 and 1995 = From 1985 to 1995 = over a period of 10 years = in a decade


Japanese tourists go abroad for travelling


The line graph provides information
'Provide' collocates with 'information'

Between 92 and 93, this can be taken as the key number.

Essays / How to write an opinion essay about global warming? [5]


Some points taken from Google :
Use Less Electricity | Save Fuel | Conserve Water | Use Green Power | Buy Carbon Offsets

Now your time to combine those different substances
Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Crime in UK; percentage of criminality of British people in different age/gender [11]

Use these phrases to avoid repetition of words in your visual writing:
The number of = the figure for
The proportion of = the figure for
Proportion = percentage


Grammar errors. A 20-year-old woman

Overall, you write well. You just need one or two detailed sentences in the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Questbridge College Prep - your community; what would you change and why? 'Segregation' [6]

Hellooo Friend :D


In this part, you need to go for details. As your reader, I feel this part too vague.


I think you can give different view on showing what the events are


If you see the question, this is an important issue that you mention briefly, WHY ?
Remember that your purpose is to explain.
Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay on banning schoolies forever [7]

I enjoy reading this essay. You write very well :)


I see grammar issues here. You should pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement


Ellipsis

Hope this helps :D