Writing Feedback / TOEFL: the ability to maintain friendships with old friends vs. the ability to make new friends? [2]

Hi Natasha, the question offers you the option to choose one of two responses. You either write a response that agrees with the argument presented or you write an essay that disagrees with the statement. You cannot write an essay that balances a "maybe" response because there is no "maybe" option in the essay. You cannot agree partially with both sides. That is not part of the equation. Choose only one of the two responses with which you develop your response. The reason that you need to pick one side of essay to respond to is because you are given the choice of "OR" in the statement.

This essay, due to your lack of decision making in response to the question will most likely be considered a level 2 piece of writing. The reason for this is that you are using inappropriate explanations to support your response to the task.

Don't get me wrong, this is an acceptable essay in terms of how you wrote it. The only problem, is that you did not appropriately respond to the task with a solid and convincing line of reasoning. You chose to not make a decision instead, which was the reason that your scoring was affected. When given a choice, make a decision. Pick one side to defend and stick to it in your reasoning presentation :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the information about the UK birth rate from 1973 to 2008. [4]

Minh, always make sure that you have a complete summary of information presented in the opening summary paragraph. In this essay you presented the type of graph and the reason for the measurements. You made a mistake in the reference to the years indicated. These are not consecutive years as you imply (1978-2008) but rather, a comparison rate based on a half decade or 5 year data measurement. That is an error in presentation that will lower your TA score due to inaccuracies or lacking information presentation. You also did not indicate that the age groups presented range from 25-40 years of age and over. I cannot repeat this often enough, if the information is in the chart and is highlighted by color or writing style, it must be presented in the summary information presentation in order to increase the TA score.

You have one too many sentences here that can qualify as the trending statement for this essay. For clarity, you should present a single trending sentence at the end of the summary overview, after you indicate what the instructions for the survey is. Your last paragraph falls short of the 3 sentence requirement. You need to increase your writing to 3-5 sentence per paragraph so that your GRA score can be increased along with the C&C presentation.

For this essay, your overall score could fall under the bracket of 4-4.5 based upon the TA and paragraph formatting considerations.

Writing Feedback / The downsides of purchasing various products at cheaper prices - Ielts2 [3]

Minh, you did not properly analyze the instructions for this essay. This is a single opinion essay that should thoroughly support either the advantage or disadvantage discussion. Since the question is "Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?", You are required to present a 4 paragraph discussion for this essay. The 4 paragraphs should present:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. An explanation of your personal point of view regarding the various related disadvantages
3. An example that supports the connected disadvantages
4. A concluding summary

The presentation should be similar to:

The residents of a town find that they can now buy affordable products. Due to the ease by which people can own these goods, a question has come forth, do the easy purchases present advantages or disadvantages? This essay will discuss my personal opinion regarding this question by presenting a few reasons in support of one particular point of view.

I believe that there are clear disadvantages to being able to easily purchase products in a community. Some of these disadvantages include the availability of low quality products and the short lifespan of the said product. These disadvantages make the money spent on the product wasteful as the product does not last long in the consumer's hands.

These affordable products are often created at the sacrifice of product quality. these products can be made cheaply because the manufacturer uses cheap materials that do not last long as a final product. As such, the consumer ends up having to buy a replacement product sooner rather than later. While the repeat sales are good for business, this proves to be a waste of hard earned money for the owner of the product since they need to buy the product more than once as the product will keep on breaking.

In the end, money is wasted when purchasing the goods several times. This is the main disadvantage of buying cheap products. Another disadvantage includes the lack of product longevity. That is why I believe that there are more disadvantages for the community when the members buy cheap products.

Approaching the essay in this manner shows that you are capable of thinking of valid reasons to support one point of view. It makes it easier for you to discuss the essay within 4 paragraphs rather than trying so hard to think of 2 opposite reasons to write about within 40 minutes.

Writing Feedback / Production off Co2 and other greenhouse gas has a heating effects on the atmosphere [3]

Tam, you have written only 240 words indicating that you are short of the minimum word count by 10 words. Expect to receive point deductions for this error. In an actual test, it could prevent you from getting a passing score. Mostly because there are also other errors that you made in the essay writing which further reduced your scoring consideration. For example, this is a direct question essay but you did not respond to the essay in a direct manner within the prompt paraphrase. Instead, you approached it as an opinion essay discussion. The difference between the two discussion methods are these:

1. Direct Question - requires a response as part of the thesis statement at the end of the paraphrase
2. Opinion essay. No direct response in the paraphrase, only an explanation of the discussion instruction is required.

The method by which you approach the prompt paraphrase will have a direct and serious effect on your TA score. Your C&C score will be affected by the fact that in your paragraphs, you only offer reasons, but no explanations for each reason. Try to present and thoroughly support the reason with not only an explanation, but also an example to prove the line of reasoning you have presented.

The concluding summary also does not find proper representation in this essay. You have a single line that does not summarize the given topic, discussion points, and suggested solutions, all of which are required for the composition of a concluding summary paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Big controversy whether employees should switch their jobs regularly or not [3]

Dongz, I am not going to continue reading the content of your essay because you already made a mistake in the TA section of the scoring bracket. You did not respond properly to the discussion question, which means that your TA score will be 1. That indicates that your response is not in accordance with the prompt requirements. Such a score, added to the other GRA, C&C, and vocabulary problems of your presentation means that you will not be able to get the minimum score of 5 with this presentation. Respond properly to the TA section requirements and you are almost guaranteed to get at least a 5 or 5.5 in the final scoring presentation.

The correct response to this, based on your remaining discussion would have been, "I partially agree with this statement." It is the response to the question " To what extent do you agree or disagree?" that provides the 2 paragraph reasoning discussion for this essay. You instead said; "It is my opinion..." You were not being asked for your opinion directly. You were being asked for the amount of agreement or disagreement that you have with the statement based upon a personal opinion. Those are 2 different presentations. Your approach was more of a direct response to a direct question approach. However, the approach for this essay was an explanatory opinion explanation in the body of paragraphs instead.

It would do you well to read more sample essays from this forum in order to better familiarize yourself with the various questions and response methods for the Task 2 essay. By learning from the advice already given to others, you will speed up your learning process in terms of proper essay writing and response requirements because you will avoid certain mistakes immediately in your writing style.

Writing Feedback / Integrating countries into solving environmental problems or fixing it each one separately [3]

Chu, this is a 5 paragraph essay based on the 2 points of view plus personal opinion discussion requirement. That means, you need to present 3 bodies of paragraph / discussion reasons covering the following aspects:

1. Point of view 1 - make this the side you don't support, but base the presentation on the required public opinion
2. Point of view 2 - This should be the side you support, but the discussion should still be referred to from the public point of view.

3. Personal opinion - tie in your reason with a supporting statement for the previous paragraph

Why should the two points of view have a reference to the public statement in its ownership of the discussion? That is because the essay clearly indicates "Some people think..." which refers to the public opinion or general impression regarding a given topic. As such you should use more specific terms like "The parties that say the environmental problems..." and "While the other public sectors say..." so that you can lead into " that is why my opinion is that..." Making for a clear, concise, and coherent discussion per paragraph presentation.

The personal opinion is never included in the concluding statement. That is because it is a specific prompt discussion requirement. As such, it is to be given its own 3-5 sentence paragraph presentation just before the concluding summary. Your concluding summary should only restate the original discussion topic, summarize the reasons for the 2 points of view, offer your personal opinion in a new manner, then close the discussion. The format for the concluding summary is similar to:

1. Topic sentence
2. Opinion 1
3. Opinion 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Closing sentence

By fully utilizing the 5 paragraph requirement of this prompt and properly presenting your concluding summary, you will gain the chance to have the highest possible scoring considerations for each criteria. I can see your potential to score highly in a Task 2 essay. Your explanations, though not grammatically perfect, are clear and understandable. I was not confused nor frustrated while reading it.

As final note, since this is not a direct question essay, you cannot offer your personal opinion at the end of the paraphrase. That is because of the aforementioned full paragraph explanation requirement of the essay. You should have merely stated the discussion instructions instead as part of the discussion outline presentation and thesis statement in the final sentence of the paragraph.

Undergraduate / Describe how your life experiences can contribute to pomonas educational mission around diversity [2]

Samantha, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt requirement. What the reviewer would like to learn about from you, based on this prompt is, about your original culture, social norms, and traditions. Where did your family come from? How were you raised in terms of keeping with the traditional method of raising a child in your parents home country? What makes your life as the child of an immigrant different from others? What aspects of how you were raised do you wish to share with the Pomonas community? Why do you think that your addition to the community will help to increase the lessons in diversity that the students can experience?

Based on what I read, there is nothing significant about your life at this point. It is "ordinary" at best when compared to the other immigrant parent students who will be applying. There is no real life experience that will contribute towards the enjoyable or learning diversity of the Pomonas campus. You need to read the information from the university regarding their Diversity at Pomona programs and then, only after understanding what the program of the university is, what their mission and objectives are, should you draft a new essay that is aimed at addressing their expectations in terms of objectives and goals based upon your life experience being raised as a person from a different race in the United States.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Spring Transfer (from UTSA to UT) Statement of Purpose [2]

Sean, paragraphs 3 and 4 are the most appropriate parts of this essay that you should open with. Revise the essay to immediately draw the attention of the reviewer to the purpose of your transfer to University B from University A. By highlighting the reasons within the first paragraph, you stand a better chance of the reviewer reading through the whole essay because you have given him a reason to continue reading. He will want to know more about you, the reasons for your transfer, and what inspired you to choose their university.

The first two paragraphs can be used at the end of the new essay instead because those contain the reasons regarding why you feel that your current university is holding you back from achieving your academic and professional goals. The format I would use for the revised essay, using the paragraph numbering system would be as follows: 3,4,2,1. that should create a more informative presentation of your purpose and reasons for wishing to switch universities at this point in your education.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TOPIC ABOUT NEWS AND QUALITIES OF JOURNALISTS [3]

Vo, your total approach to the essay is wrong. You turned a direct question essay into an opinion essay, which is not how this should have been written. The format for this paper is:

1. Prompt paraphrase with direct questions response
2. Explanation of why you think we can / cannot trust journalists
3. Qualities of a successful journalist
4. Concluding summary

While your response to the second part of the question is correct, your created a prompt deviation in response to the question as to whether or not a journalist can be trusted to tell the truth in their reporting. You instead explained the importance of reading the news, which is not what this essay is about. Since you changed the topic of the discussion, your essay will only be partially correct in response. That mistake cost you the chance to get a scoring consideration of 5 with this essay. You will get a score lower than that due to the other mistakes made in grammar and sentence structure presentations.

What you wrote as a response is a prompt deviation because you are discussing reasons why people should read the news instead of whether or not a journalist should be trusted. Therefore, based on the observed mistakes, I do not think that you stand a chance of getting a passing score with this paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Children watching TV instead of doing active things [2]

Duong, excellent work in merging your 2 reasons for why kids prefer to watch TV. You also did a good job in explaining and connecting your suggested solutions to the problem. These are 2 of the most well developed direct essay responses I have seen in a while on this forum. However, you have a problem with the opening paraphrase and the concluding summary presentations.

In the opening paraphrase, you should have immediately mentioned what your response to the 2 questions were. That is because a direct question essay requires a direct response to be given to the immediate questions. Only agree/disagree and POV opinion essays do not require immediate responses to the question provided. For the conclusion, you need to summarize the reasons you gave in the discussion and the solutions you provided prior to saying that these need to be changed. That is because the concluding summary is a reverse prompt restatement. This time, it should explain the reasons in the discussion after the prompt is repeated. In the opening paraphrase, only the original prompt should be paraphrased.

Based on a major consideration though, you did a good job on this essay. You just need more practice in order to ensure a high passing score once you take the test.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: The graph shows radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. [3]

Huynh, if you review the graph notes, you will see that there is a clear indication of the measurements being given in the percentage specifically for the UK population over the age of 4. The information you gave for the graph does not include the reference to the age range that was part of the survey that was done. Therefore your information is going to be viewed by the examiner as either inaccurate due to the lack of survey reference point or misinformed due to the reference to the age of the general population rather than the age of 4 and above. Such an error / missing information in the summary overview could affect your overall TA score because you did not accurately summarize the information for the task. That is proof of a lack of proper analytical ability on your part.

Your trending statement is also incomplete as it does not clarify that the downward trend is shown in the graph as happening for both television and radio audiences starting at 6 p.m. You were also not careful with your spelling. There is no such term as "bumver", you meant to say "number". Whether you are hand writing this essay or typing it, you need to be conscious of your spelling. Make sure to proof read your work each time.

By the way, your essay is only 2 paragraphs long. The requirement is 4 paragraphs long covering 3-5 sentences per paragraph. That is the reason why, even though you wrote 154 words, your analysis report is not coming across as complete, accurate, and informative. While 150 is the minimum word count, the only way to get the highest possible score, is if you write at least 175-200 words.

Graduate / MPA personal essay- Are these ideas on par with a typical personal statement? [2]

Lexis, there is an advancing progression in the personal statement presentation depending upon the type of studies you are applying for. The above statement lends more towards a college application essay. Since you are applying for a masters degree course admission, your personal statement needs to reflect the same information. Your personal information needs to reflect a growing insight of what your professional journey has been so far that has led you to the realization that you need advanced studies in order to perform your job better or diversify your career potentials.

Your intersectionality statement is the best part of the essay that can be used as the foundation of your new personal statement. Talk about what inspired you to become a policy analyst or PA specialist. What is your professional insight regarding this line of work? What professional experiences do you have that relate to your interest in this field? You can give an overview of your statement of purpose to help you develop a good PS by offering an insight into the end goal you hope to achieve. Most importantly, you need to better develop the reasons why you believe that the MPA course at UTSA is the perfect fit for you by describing your academic and professional goals that actually intersect with the mission and objectives of the university or course offering.

Undergraduate / Rice University Personal Perspective Prompt Response - Dance and Perseverance [2]

Amanda, being a dancer in this instance, does not seem to be a unique life experience. The role that perseverance plays in this instance can be learned in any number of forms. Your focus solely on dance is creative, but not informative. It does not introduced a sense of who you are as a person from a different country to the table. If you had discussed how you practice a unique form of dance as part of the culture and tradition of your home country, and then explained how you look forward to sharing this type of dance during cultural shows at Rice to help others get to know your history and heritage better, then it would have better suited the prompt.

Look for something unique about your original culture. What is that one special thing that could make your culture stand out from the crowd of applicants? Why do you think that exposing the students at Rice to this can add to the cultural diversity and global understanding of your co-students? How will their getting to know this about you add to a personal perspective they can gain about your origins? Why will this help to enhance the student community of Rice? Unfortunately, your current essay doesn't delve much on your cultural life experience. Only a life experience based upon a hobby. Which does not really respond to the prompt in a manner that helps the reviewer to get to know you better as a potential student resident at the university.

Writing Feedback / Maps indicate the modifications Queen Mary Hospital has undergone since its establishment in 1960 [4]

Duc, you have not written enough words to get a higher scoring consideration. You wrote only 1 word over the minimum requirement which is good, but limits your ability to portray a clear analysis of the image you were provided. You need to write at the most, 175 words in order to better your scoring considerations using the 4 scoring considerations. It would be best if you aim to write the standard 4 paragraph Task 1 essay in order to achieve the best scoring probability with your task 1 essays.

By the way, this is not a map, it is listed as a diagram in the original prompt so you should have described it as such. This is a keyword that you cannot change from the original prompt because this is an analysis essay. When it comes to the summary overview, stick to the keywords from the original and then change up the words using synonyms in the body of paragraphs instead.

The summary overview is incomplete and does not have the minimum requirement of 3 sentences. It only has the topic sentence and a trending statement. It is missing the mention of the years given for comparison, which would have given the reader a clue as to how the discussion will be outlined and presented in the 3 body paragraphs.

Now, as far as your trending statement is concerned, there are two things of note that you could have mentioned, the first, as you mentioned is the functional development of the area. The other, is that the main road remained unchanged and a consistent part of the developments over the specified years.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Information sharing. Should or shouldn't? [2]

Anh, the approach to this essay requires you to discuss the public opinion regarding the sharing of information with regards to the two points of view. It is only after presenting the arguments from the public that you can use your personal opinion to support one of the two views in the discussion. That makes this essay a 5 paragraph comparison essay. What you wrote, based on the prompt paraphrase you created is only a 2 sided personal opinion point of view essay. That runs counter to the prompt discussion requirement.

The clue as to how many paragraphs should be written can be found in the discussion instruction. When it is said that you have to "Discuss both points of view and give your opinion", that is automatically a 5 paragraph essay. When presented with a question instruction such as "Do you agree or disagree", that is a 4 paragraph essay presentation.

The discussion requirement clearly indicates a public discussion be presented in the first 2 body paragraphs because it refers to "Some people believe..." which indicates a public discussion. As such, it is the reference to the public opinions that should be discussed first so that your 3rd body paragraph (4th in the overall essay paragraph presentation) that is based on your personal point of view gains strength and authority by supporting one of the two POV's.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Personal Essay (Why I chose Georgia Tech) [3]

Justin, your response to the essay prompt is nowhere near the question being asked. The question is asking you to prove to the reviewer that you are not only familiar with the course offerings and student programs of Georgia Tech, but that you also have a career goal in mind which is why you chose the university in the first place. Discard this whole essay and write a new one. Do not write a new essay until you have first established a clear reason as to why you think Georgia Tech will provide you with the proper academic and technical skills to become an excellent chemist in the future.

You failed to prove that you properly researched your academic and professional goals in relation to the programs that the Georgia Tech Chemistry and Biochemistry departments offer. Where do your core values as a student intersect with the university? How does the mission of the department appeal to you? Which are the programs, facilities, and services that relate to your chosen major that you think will be the proper venues for helping you to prepare to become a modern day Chemist or biochemist?

The essay that you wrote is irrelevant as it speaks of your past inspirations rather than the new inspiration that you have developed through a familiarity with the work of the GA Tech published professors or accomplishments of the Chemistry and Biochemistry department of the university. Citing Google as a reason you found and chose a university is not impressive either. That is like saying, " I drew from a bowl filled with names of a university and yours came up." Definitely a very weak reason to choose the university and will not be appreciated by the reviewer. Your personal story is also irrelevant as a response as it does not really portray an academic and career oriented goal for your reasons to study at GA Tech.

Writing Feedback / Newcomers in a foreign country - should they obey local rules and customs? [3]

Nghiep. your essay is not responding to the question being asked of you in the essay. For this extent essay, there has to be a degree of agreement or disagreement in your response. This is not a direct response essay, which is the format you chose to take for this paper. You need to familiarize yourself with the various question types for the task 2 essay in order to avoid these sorts of mistakes. Here is the clear outline that will show you the mistake you made:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: I would argue that people should follow the customs and traditions when they immigrate to a new nation.
Expected Response: I completely/ totally/ partially agree/disagree with the given statement.

Your response will give this essay a TA score of 1 because you are not responding to the task you were provided with. Based on that TA score, plus the existence of run-on sentences in every paragraph, which made the paragraph content and meaning difficult to ascertain, plus, the double topic discussions per paragraph, with little explanations made for the second topic creates non-cohesive and little coherent paragraphs as the reader cannot really understand what the actual point of each paragraph all add up in terms of low scores for the remaining 3 criteria the final score is to be based on.

Although your essay is long, you have not accomplished enough in it to ensure a passing score. Several errors affected your ability to get close to a score of 5 with this essay presentation. Long essays are good, but only if these essays prove to be high scoring in terms of the 4 scoring considerations. Otherwise, long essays only serve to decrease your scoring considerations.

The objective of this task is to make sure that you can discuss the topic in a manner that is clear to a native English speaker. So even if the essay is short, as long as it meets the minimum word count and is understandable by an English native speaker, you will be sure to get the highest scoring consideration marks for your work. Do not sacrifice quality for length. You will be sacrificing the wrong aspect of scoring in the essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Writing-having fun playing game or doing thing with HW [2]

Lilo, you have written a level 3 essay presentation. You have some difficulty in forming sentences that have an understandable meaning for the reader and there are times when your paragraphs are not as cohesive and coherent as you hope they would be. These all stem from your word / sentence formation problem in the essay. Here are some sample sentences that leave the reader wondering about what it is you are trying to say:


- The first sentence explains an action but does not offer a subject. In the next sentence, there is again a series of verbs but no subject to agree with. The thought process is incomplete in both presentations. This is caused by a lack of proper sentence development for the presentation. Try to practice simple sentence formations when you are not doing practice essay tests to improve in this area.


- So this is the ending of the essay? Then why is there a continued discussion after it? Never say, "In conclusion" unless you are actually concluding the essay discussion already.

I believe you have over discussed this topic. You need to simplify your discussions and use only about 2 supporting paragraphs to leave time for the paper editing. At this point, the essay is long, but is not accurately proof-read nor presented to the reader. There is room for improvement but you are off to a good start essay writing wise.

Writing Feedback / The levels of unemployment among young people between 1993 and 2012 in England [6]

Hi La. I asked for permission and was granted an opportunity to show you an example of a properly written summary overview. Here is the sample that you can use as a template for your future summaries:

A line graph has been presented for a comparison analysis. The subject of the graph is the measurement of the unemployed among the young workforce located in London and the rest of England. The survey studies the successive years of 1990- 2011 and was based on the age range of 16-24 for young adults. The graph used the percentage format for its measurement results as collated from combined surveys from the Labour Force, various surveys, and ONS. The graph shows an increasing trend in the young adults employed in London and England overall.

Now, what I am showing you is an example of how I would write this overview summary. This does not mean that you should always approach the presentation in this manner. All I want you to do is take note of the information that I presented in a clustered manner in the paragraph. All of these information are quick representations of the overall required data for the summary. Look for the highlighted and italics written information in the image presentation. Those are normally the required data for the summary.

Writing Feedback / A rise in price of petrol is the most effective method to tackle the growth of traffic congestion [3]

Gnyuen, for an extent essay, you do not need to discuss the opposing point of view. This exam wants to test how well you can defend a single point of view response based on your personal knowledge and experience. You did a very good job in the prompt paraphrase. However, your discussion is improperly formatted. There is a 5 sentence maximum response per paragraph. In this essay, you accidentally combined 2 paragraphs (2 discussion topics) into one paragraph. The point where you said " Personally, I suggest..." should be presented as a separate paragraph instead of a continuing discussion in the second paragraph. That is because you are already discussing a different topic there, which is the suggested solution to the pollution and traffic congestion problem.

You show a strong potential to get a more than average score in the Task 2 essay. You have solid ideas and clear presentations that do not really cause the reader any confusion while reading your response. Just remember my instructions above the next time you come across an extent essay. It will always be better for you to strongly discuss one position rather than using the comparative extent essay approach which indicates" I partially agree". That is the phrase that allows you discuss 2 opinions in the essay.

Unless you are already a proficient English writer, it is not advisable for you to write a 5 paragraph extent essay (partial agreement format). That is because it will be easier for you to think in English with a focus on only one opinion topic rather than 2 opinions. Remember, you are scored on the clarity of your explanation and not the length of the essay. 4 paragraphs that are clear in its content means you will score better than a 5 paragraph essay that does not fully explain a stand.

Writing Feedback / People's motivation to work in the state-run sector in the country of Bananala during 1995-2010. [2]

Tra, it is extremely difficult to review your paper because you did not properly upload the image. It doesn't want to enlarge so I cannot read the notes on the paper nor clearly see the comparison points for discussion. Please properly upload the image next time. I can tell you this though, your presentation is lengthy but not informative in an excellent manner. If you review the other essays for Task 1 writing at this forum, you will see that you summary overview is severely lacking in information. I do not read about the other required information such as the measurement type, the inclusive years of comparison, a summary of the analysis instructions, and a solid trending statement. By the way, you were given a line graph, not a chart to compare. Familiarize yourself with the different illustrations being used in the task 1 essay to assist you in properly identifying the illustration type in the summary overview.

You also just kept on writing for the sake of increasing your word count. Regardless of whether or not actual information as based on the numerical data from the image was being shared in the third paragraph. Believe me, in the actual test, you will not be able to write 265 words for this task. You need to practice writing 4 paragraphs within the 3-5 sentence format per paragraph. That is the best way to ensure that you will be able to leave editing and revision time for yourself during the actual test. Be sure that all of the required measurements, are represented in the charts are used instead of you offering "estimates" and your own take on the "years indicated" as that changes the analysis from "factual" to "assumed" information.

Also, you are both wrong. The proper sentence structure is "There was an overall rising trend from 1995-2010 based on..." since the graph indicates a continuous growth pattern for a specific period of time. You are describing an action that was continuous in the past. You were required to create a complex sentence presentation for this particular trending statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Printed newspaper vs Online newspaper. What will be more important? [3]

Phuong, your response automatically failed the Task Accuracy considerations. That means your essay is not properly addressing the prompt discussion requirements. What are the requirements for this discussion? Let's have a look shall we?

Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinions.
Response Action: I tend to agree with the latter.

Why are you agreeing with an opinion when the instruction is asking you to do a comparison discussion with a personal point of view presentation? This is an error in judgement on your part which will easily result in a failing score because your TA does not respond to the task you are given. This is an essay that is approached in the following format:

1. Opening paraphrase - You did a good job with this part. Acceptable sentence structure and a clear representation of the discussion topic helped to make that presentation worthy if an average score. However, the wrong discussion instruction restatement was so severe that it created a prompt deviation that would lead to a failing score overall in the actual test.

2. Public POV 1 - Not represented
3. Public POV 2 - Not represented
4. Personal POV - Represented but with a different response than what is expected.

For your response sentence, all you had to say was; "I shall offer an analysis of the 2 public points of view in a comparison manner and then discuss my opinion regarding the same topic."

The mistake you made is precisely why an exam taker is advised to not offer a clear opinion or response in the prompt paraphrase. It would have been better to simply restate the original prompt based on the actual presentation and then saved the discussion points for the 3 body paragraphs. That way, you would have had an opportunity to double check whether your response is correct or not.

Here is an important piece of advice. As you write your essay, always refer back to the discussion instructions of the original prompt. Check off the required discussion points to be sure that you have represented the required discussion paragraphs and, most importantly, that you are still discussing the essay based on the original requirements. Students who fail to double check the prompt against their essay draft more often than not make the same mistake that you made in the discussion of this essay.

Research Papers / ENG 102 Final Research paper-Law enforcement leadership, why imminent change may not be the answer. [2]

Kurt, I am highly confused by the way that you are presenting this paper. Are you presenting a study plan to your professor? If so, then what is the actual thesis statement for this research? What do you hope to prove through the research? How do you plan to prove it? What is your methodology for developing your suggestions, recommendations, and conclusions? The information you have presented seems to be based mostly on personal opinion and lacks the proper referencing guides in the study plan

Majority of your sentences do not have topic or subject sentences. The declarations are often incomplete. Examples of these problematic sentences are:


The correct form is :

Being a police officer entering my 10th year of service, I will be testing for Sergeant in the coming weeks. Should I be promoted to the said position, professional leadership will be paramount to my professional success in consideration of the safety and development of my subordinates.

Please review all of your sentences for structure and presentation. These problems with your sentence presentations lead to incoherent paragraphs that leave the reader wondering about what you are trying to say and why. You may want to consider seeking out our highly professional and excellent editing services in order to ensure that the paper you will be turning in shall be grammatically correct, using the correct punctuation marks, and deliver properly developed sentence presentations. Right now, aside from the study plan question, the work you provided needs professional editing in order to work for the purpose you are trying to design it for.

Writing Feedback / Experiences of official travel [4]

Asep, your sentence structure, noun usage, and word capitalization issues are more of an issue in this statement than anything else. Here is a sample of a better developed presentation:

My co-workers and I officially traveled to Pekolongan City on July 10, 2018. Along with me were Mr. Triwidodo, Sahid, and Gilang. We performed office tasks covering the dates of July 10-13, 2018 equivalent to 3 nights and 4 days of work. We took the train Gambir Station train and travelled for 4 hours before reaching our Pekalongan Station destination. Mr. Triwidodo had bought Hokben Food for our lunch during the train trip. The trip was smooth and without problems, Alhamdulilah. Our group stayed at the Santika Hotel which was located right in front of the train station.

Please take note of the presentation changes I made to create a smoother flow in the sentences and, most importantly, which words I capitalized as these are all proper nouns and therefore, should be capitalized.

Writing Feedback / The levels of unemployment among young people between 1993 and 2012 in England [6]

La, your summary overview is not as complete as it should be. You neglected to inform the reader about The source of the survey and also the company that took the survey. Remember this simple rule so that you do not miss out on presenting important information in the essay summary, if it is in the graph or noted on the page of the image, you MUST mention it in order to show an accurate summary of information to the examiner. Miss out on some information and you will receive a lower TA scoring consideration because you did not completely list the information you were given.

The rest of your presentation paragraphs are well developed. However, you tend to write in run-on sentences. A common mistake among beginners writing these analysis reports. Try to write separate sentences for each information presentation. Learn to cluster related information into a single sentence, starting a new sentence for each cluster. You can write up to 5 cluster sentences per paragraph for this 4 paragraph format essay. Clustering the information helps you to ease the confusion of the reader and also, allows you to create a more coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts, Task2 - the critical environmental problems should be worked upon by all countries united [4]

Hernant, you need to learnt he difference in discussion methods for each type of Task 2 essay. This is a 3 paragraph comparative essay discussion. You responded to it in a direct opinion essay manner. This mistake will definitely cause you to fail the essay portion of the test because you changed the prompt requirement and created your own discussion instruction in the opening paraphrase. That is too bad. Your essay has the potential to be graded highly because of the discussion that you presented, if it had only been in the correct format. The correct paraphrase is:

There is an ongoing global discussion as to who should be responsible for solving ecosystem problems. The options being presented are either to have a country deal with the problem individually or, to have a solution developed with the help of several countries. This essay will consider both discussions based on the merit of each discussion before I present my personal opinion regarding this discussion.

There is a lack of proper discussion representation in your paragraphs. Each paragraph must reference the point of view being discussed in order to clearly present the discussion to the reader. You have to say phrases such as "Considering the problem on a global scale..." or "On a national level..." These directional phrases help the reader understand not only which point of view is being discussed, but also who is doing the talking or whose arguments you are considering. These need to reference a public opinion because your personal opinion doesn't come until almost the end of the written essay, in paragraph 4 specifically.

You presented a pretty solid discussion that was only derailed by the improper discussion reference / format. You show an ability to discuss in English, but have some comprehension problems when it comes to understanding the prompt requirements. Don't worry though, I strongly believe that you will be able to conquer that problem soon. Before you write your next practice essay, look for a work sample online. Read several versions in order to familiarize yourself with the discussion topic and how to approach it. That way, when you write your essay, you will have an idea of how you want to answer the essay in an original form instead of an imitated one.

Writing Feedback / More and more animal species are becoming extince by human activies in land and sea. [4]

Bui, this is a direct response essay. The opening paragraph should have represented the prompt as follows:

Certain types of animals have been facing obsolescence. The animals are being eliminated in order to help man survive by killing the animals for food, medicine, and clothes. One way of solving this problem is by better educating the people about the ecosystem balance required for the survival of people, animals, and the planet.

From that point on, you should use the 3 body paragraphs to write an extended discussion covering the following paragraph topic discussions:
1. Why man needs to kill animals in order to survive
2. Examples of how man uses animals to survive and why there is no other choice except to kill the animals.
3. Suggestions as to how the further promotion of animal live preservation can be promoted.

Based on the original prompt, my assessment is that the question requires a 3 body paragraph discussion that includes a presentation of examples prior to the suggestion for solving the problem.

Your discussion is not very coherent nor concise in presentation. The mistakes, as pointed out by @TriceLiuare are accurate. You need to focus less on reviewing for the essay test and build your sentence structure and grammar skills first. If you cannot properly develop sentences and make yourself understood in the essay presentation, then it will be impossible for you to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / The population of major cities is rising sharply and continually - evaluate this trend [3]

@HoaBui There is a missing element in your research presentation. You have covered the existing problems and the suggested solutions to the situation. However, this being a research paper, you need to balance the discussion with a presentation of the currently existing solutions that the governments of these nations have been enacting The way that your research presentation is set up, it appears that you have not thoroughly looked into the existing situation regarding slum areas in these countries. You can bet that the governments, both local and national, have been doing their best to address these issues.

That is why it is important that you balance the discussion with a presentation of government slum rehab programs with your suggestions. Make sure to indicate which programs worked and what didn't. Explain why those programs did not work and then suggest an alternative solution. That will make your essay appear to be more authoritative and insightful throughout the presentation.

Somehow, I do not think you are writing a research paper here but a response to a Task 2 essay instead. However, since you did not provide a prompt for the discussion and you have references in the presentation as well as a bibliography, I am offering you advice based on a research paper style of writing.

Writing Feedback / It's a big argument regarding opinion if a part-time job while study at university is worthy or not [4]

Le, your response to the task does not respond to the discussion being asked. Your opening paraphrase is also incomplete as you are not introducing the reader to the discussion topic and reason for the discussion. What you did was a prompt deviation as evidenced by the following error:

Instruction: Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.
Response: I think it is not necessary to take a job when we are studying.

This is a comparison essay, not a single opinion discussion. It must discuss:
1. Advantages
2. Disadvantages
3. Justifications / examples

Each paragraph should refer to 2 reasons which can be merged into a completed 5 sentence discussion. For example:

There are two advantages that can be experienced by people who work before attending college. A person can gain intellectual maturity during this period of time because he will most likely be working in a line of work that is of interest to him or is related to his potential college major. By experiencing the work before deciding on a major, the future student will be able to decide whether or not he actually wants to pursue this line of study in relation to a future career. This intellectual maturity allows the student the student an opportunity to truly consider his college degree options, without having to change majors as a currently enrolled student. He may opt to change his college major prior to actually beginning his formal academic lessons in the university.

In as much as the above is a strong advantage, there is also a considerable disadvantage to working between studies. That is, the student, who will be earning a salary may decide to keep delaying his college studies. Eventually he may decide to not go to college anymore. In which case, he limits his professional growth and chances for job promotions and other career related advancements.

You do not need to present a series of advantages or disadvantages, you need to present connected discussions of the reasons as I did above. Only by presenting a comprehensive discussion, that connects 2 reasons in one fluid discussion can you truly represent proper advantages and disadvantages in an essay.

Please practice developing your opening paraphrase and concluding summary in 3-5 sentences. You can read other samples here to help you learn how to do that. The 3-5 sentence structure is the best chance you have of gaining a better C7C and GRA score.

Writing Feedback / A Call to Action Against Pollution Essay. Concerns of the environment. [2]

Ben, your opening paragraph is confusing. What is the actual thesis statement for this essay? What sort of pollution will your studies focus on? What discussions will you present in the research? The opening paragraph should have a complete thesis statement and a clear outline of the topics for discussion, as well as a possible conclusion. At the moment, this paragraph is unclear due to the lack of focus on one particular type of pollution. If you are discussing marine pollution through your research, the whole paragraph should focus on creating the foundation for that discussion. Nothing more, nothing less.

When you present quotes from various people in the paragraphs, you need to include information about that person that signifies the authority of that person to speak and also convince the reader that this person's POV should be trusted. Introduce the speaker by delivering information about:

1. the full name of the speaker
2. the university / research organization the person is attached to
3. the title / position of the person

Only after establishing the authority of the person can you present the quote in a strong manner. You also need to add some personal opinions to those cited information. Explain why you agree with it or why you think it can be opposed or something. As a research paper, your personal insight is also vital in the completion of the paper.

The research should include, prior to the conclusion, some discussions regarding possible solutions to the problem and what the potential effect of these actions might be. By doing so, the research becomes complete and also useful as a reference point for the readers who may also be concerned with maritime / marine pollution.

Undergraduate / An idea I once questioned - using both Chinese and English names [2]

Hey Jasmine, I really like the concept of this essay. The story is nice and offers an insight into Chinese culture. However, it doesn't really explain to me why you believe that having 2 names is perfectly normal. While you do say that the Chinese name is an act of acknowledging your roots, you don't really delve into how you resolved the insecurity you felt at having 2 names.

The story about your interaction with Leyla seems to be a distraction in this instance. You used it as an opening hook but then did not pick up on the interaction again until almost the very end. My suggestion is for you to just omit the interaction so that you can focus the discussion more on clarifying why having 2 names could be considered something normal on your part.

Don't just explain the significance of having 2 names in the essay. Explain it in a way that helps the reviewer get to know you better. I learned about the Chinese culture attached to the act, but I learned very little about how having 2 names affected you as a person other than it made you insecure. Even then, I wasn't clear as to why you were insecure. What is the main reason you were insecure at having 2 names? Surely it has to be more than just about some people not being able to pronounce your Chinese names. Why did you fear being an outcast at having a Chinese name? How did you overcome these negative feelings? As a result of these insecurities and apprehensions, what kind of person were you back then? Who are you now?

Having 2 names may have been an idea that you once questioned. So after gaining clarity or a self realization about its importance, who do you think you have become today all because you questioned the reason behind the idea of having 2 names? The essay needs to show a sense of growth and maturity in your discussion. It should not just discuss the issue. Remember, this is a written interview. Therefore, you must present a deeply self analytical discussion of your chosen idea in relation to who you are or have become.

Writing Feedback / The maps inform about the present changes in the town center of Islip and planned in the future. [2]

Anh, in this analytical report, you should be delivering the following paragraphs in order to meet the expected report presentation:

1. Overview paragraph
2. Description of the old image
3. Description of the new image
4. Description of areas that had notable changes or remained the same

The reason that you need to present these information in the 4 body paragraphs is because this is mainly a comparison analytical report. So your analysis needs to be based on the before and after images, with specific mention of highlights in both drawings. Aim to write 175 words for that purpose. That word count allows you to write more than the minimum word count in a manner that will have a truly notable impact on the scoring considerations. Do not start your sentences with connecting words such as "And" since it comes after a period. Which means the first sentence ended in its presentation so there is no connecting idea that leads into the next statement. Here is an example of how to use the word "And" in a sentence:

... for pedestrians and a new dual carriage...

Also, try to explain more per paragraph in order to push your C&C and GRA scores to the highest possible considerations. You have a 5 sentence maximum requirement so aim to write at least 3 or 4 sentences per paragraph with 5 being the ideal presentation number. You did this format once in the last paragraph of this essay and that, in all honesty, is the best paragraph you presented in the essay because of the clarity of the explanation and description you presented.

Writing Feedback / Alternative resources - an effective solution that should be encouraged to use in the near future. [3]

Nguyen, the TA score for this essay will be a 1. That is because you are not properly delivering a response to the question. You actually changed the prompt topic, causing a deviation in your response. Your response is not in reference to the given task. I can say this because the:

Question: Is this trend a positive or negative development.

and your response is:

Answer: Green energy is a wonderful solution addressing the serious problem in terms of there incredible features.

It is at this very point where you created the failing point for this essay. Once the TA score is 1, there is no chance that you can get a score of 5. A clear sign that you did not understand the prompt instructions, added to the other writing problems in this essay as pointed out by @smally01 means as a writer, you failed to do the following:

1. You did not understand the English discussion instructions;
2. You had paragraph discussion issues;

Finally, the biggest mistake that you made was that you changed the prompt discussion / deviated from the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Topic relates with recycling system, could you check up my essay? Is that appropriate? [4]

Nurislam, an extent essay is normally written from a single point of view because you are to defend only the stance that you agree with in the essay. That comprises a 4 paragraph essay. However, in your presentation, you decided to portray a partial agreement and disagreement with the given prompt. So you cannot say that you totally agree with the statement. Instead, your response should have been "I partially agree" in order to allow yourself to develop a 4-5 paragraph essay that does a comparison discussion of the given topic.

I have to caution you though that when it comes to writing a "partial agreement" essay, you could lose time trying to think of reasons as to why you partially agree with the statement owing to how you need to defend both stances / opinions in the essay. With a limited time allotment for the development of your response, a direct single opinion essay is usually the best bet in terms of giving you the opportunity to perfect your content before submitting the essay. That is because you only need to think in a one-track minded way where you focus only on the defense of a single opinion. Which is where the time management issues come in.

BTW, in your concluding summary, you should have indicated a repeat of your opinion and a clear statement that says the government is responsible for making sure that laws are enacted to coax more people to recycle their home waste products.

Letters / Academic Dismissal Appeal Letter/readmission letter - low GPA, I felt disappointed in myself [4]

Nope. It doesn't make a difference because, in the eyes of the university, you still had a failing score overall. Your grades were not enough to get you a passing GPA mark as per the university criteria. There is no difference in reasoning nor in the consideration that the university will give you. That is why I told you that depression and anxiety do not count as a valid excuse since there is help readily available for that.

Additionally, stress and anxiety, unless connected to a debilitating illness acquired during the semester, does not qualify as a valid reason for being unable to perform academically. You should have been able to bring up your GPA just the same .Clarify if you were diagnosed with this illness during the semester and explain how you received help after the damage had been done to your grades.

The bottom line is that you did not do well enough in your classes to get the score that you needed to stay in the university. You cannot blame a medically treatable illness for your shortcomings even if you were diagnosed with the illness during the semester. However, having a learning disability such as Dyslexia will qualify as a valid reason for being unable to achieve the grade that you needed to stay as a regular student in the university.

If you would like, you could take the Dyslexia reference out of the letter in order to create the idea that the only reason you fell short of the requirements was because you were trying to deal with your mental health issues. That seems to be more of the focus of your letter anyway as you indicated only a possible case of Dyslexia. That is what muddled the letter in the first place.

Writing Feedback / Students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately? [5]

Nguyen, your opening paragraph is almost a verbatim presentation of the original prompt. You cannot use the same words / sentences in your opening paragraph because you are expected to restate the prompt using your own, original words that represent your understanding of the prompt statement. In addition to that, you did not respond to the prompt question and instead, created your own prompt requirement. This means that you will receive a failing score in the TA section of the essay. That usually means that you will not have the opportunity to get a passing score of 5 with this essay. The reason for this is clear:

Question: Do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer.
Response: In the following essay, we will discuss to clarify this issue together.

Your thesis statement does not respond to the question. It is a clear indication of your inability to understand English instructions. This is also a single opinion essay that you discussed in a comparative format. When you are asked to pick one side of a discussion as a response, the next 2-3 body paragraphs / reasoning presentations can only focus on one side to support in the discussion. That is why there is the decision making word "OR" in the question. You can only respond to the question using one answer.

You should not place your disagreement in the concluding paragraph. That is considered to be a personal opinion and, as I am sure you were taught or you have read about, the personal reason is always a stand alone paragraph that fully explains your line of reasoning and offers supporting evidence to help strengthen your discussion. The format is:

1. Paraphrase
2. Supporting paragraph 1
3. Example paragraph
4. Personal Opinion
5. Conclusion

Therefore, this essay was not discussed in the expected manner and as such, cannot be considered to be prompt adherent nor correct in discussion format. There is a strong possibility that this essay may not get a passing score in the actual test.

Letters / Academic Dismissal Appeal Letter/readmission letter - low GPA, I felt disappointed in myself [4]

Monica, the diagnosis of depression and anxiety does not explain in a convincing manner, the reason why you failed enough classes to get eliminated as a student from the university. You have mentioned Dyslexia as a possible reason for your learning disorder but you failed to give evidence of that in this letter. In order to plead your case in a more believable manner, it would be best if you get tested for Dyslexia first. A reference to a medical certificate attesting to your reading disorder will be more considered than simply anxiety and depression.

While you have a strong explanation for your anxiety and depression disorder, you have not addressed the possible reading disorder that you have. You need to mention how you plan to seek help after your Dyslexia diagnosis so that you will be given some leeway in your classes where you may struggle due to your problem with reading. Don't focus on your anxiety and depression case because medication can help you overcome that, but you need more help for your Dyslexia disorder because that can affect your grades every time since there is no medicine that can be taken to help yo deal with that. Dyslexia is more of a physical, emotional, and mental struggle where you will require more help to achieve your class grades so you need to have a proper focus on how you plan to overcome that, should be really be diagnosed as a Dyslexic.

Scholarship / Study plans to improve foreign languages required for taking a bachelor's degree course [3]

Marcelo, the first 3 sentences in the first paragraph do not directly relate to the response for the question being asked so you can remove those references. The more direct your response, the more chances you have that the reviewer will be interested in what you have to say in your response.

You need to create a balanced discussion of how you plan to continue to develop your English written and spoken skills, along with your Hangul skills while a student in Korea. You only referenced a desire to learn more about the Korean language, without really going into specifics. Aside from the free classes, how else do you plan to develop your skills to the point where you will ace the TOPIK test the first time you take it? How do you plan to develop your English written and spoken skills as well? Are you still enrolled in English classes? Do you plan to enroll in more English classes while you are taking the Hangul lessons as well? How and where do you plan to practice both languages? Think of social settings, academic learning opportunities, and career related exposure that can help you polish your expertise in both languages.

As for paragraph 4, this is where my suggestion about thinking of how career exposure can help you become an expert in both languages. Consider your actual study plan for your thesis project in your final year. Can you use both languages in both settings to help you become an expert in both languages before you graduate? If yes, how do you plan to do that?

Writing Feedback / The quantity of waste generation in millions of tonnes in six nations during the 1980-2000 period [2]

Moon, your summary just needed the enumeration of the nations included in the table and the comparison type for the information, which is shown was a "decade on decade" basis. It is not a comparison from 1980- 2000 . Try to use more advanced references to create a more extensive / advanced English vocabulary. It is more impressive to use the term "decade on decade" because the graph shows a 10 year count (considered a decade) between years represented.

You have a very small mistakes in this essay presentation. It is almost negligible. Except, you forgot to indicate that "The data for Ireland and Korea were not available for the years 1990 and 1980 respectively." This is an example of an advanced English sentence structure based on grammar and presentation. It shows an academic tone and a professional review of the data provided. You have to mention it because the missing data is even given a special mention in the illustration with the highlight "Figure not available". Remember, present all the data, specially those that appear to have a special representation in the illustration.

Undergraduate / Your career goals in the broad field of engineering and what/who has influenced you [3]

Cole, there are no academic or career goals indicated in this essay. You need to write a totally new essay. Focus on discussing what kind of computer put together in terms of hardware when you realized that your computer was not really Minecraft worthy. Talk about engineering technology development on your part based on that 12 year old experience then progress it. What kind of hardware do you work with now and why? How has that familiarity helped to inspire your academic goals? What are those specific academic goals? Then move on to your career goals.

The people who inspired you do not seem to have truly inspired an academic and professional goal in yourself. It appears that you were more impressed with their pocketbook than anything else. That is the worst reason you can use for opting to start a career in a particular field. Not everyone in the computer field gets a windfall of cash immediately. Pick an inspiration who you wish to emulate in your academic and professional undertakings. Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are the most recent inspirations that I can think of but you may have someone else in mind whom you can use for that part of the essay.

Career goals does not equate with financial goals, which is what the focus of your essay was for that part of the prompt. A career goal is more of "After I graduate, I will have gained enough theoretical skills and practical expertise to create a product that I can start a Kickstarter campaign for, in an effort to work for myself by establishing my own crowd funded company." Or something of the sort.