Writing Feedback / TOEFL. There's a question whether a trip should be taken with the company of a tour guide... [2]

Tess, always stick to the timed practice tests. If you fail to write an essay within the allotted time then you fail the practice. It is better to fail during the practice rounds than to fail in the actual test due to timing difficulties. Here is a tip, when you write the essay, just jot down the first 3 reasons that come to mind and then build your essay around those items. The brainstorming ideas should cover:

1. Your opinion
2. The reason for your opinion
3. An example you want to present

Once you outline those 3 items, the essay will be much easier to develop into a paragraph format. As of now, you just have to write what comes to mind, but don't write more than 200 words. Your desire to write more words is what made you miss the time along with some other considerations. Aim for the minimum during the early practice tests. You can lengthen your essays as you improve your sentence development skills.

As to your question, since the IELTS Task 2 essays are always inclusive of a personal opinion discussion, then you must include a personal experience in the discussion whenever possible. That will help the examiner assess your ability to explain yourself using personal information in the English language. It helps to prove that you understood the prompt topic and discussion requirements as well. Thus, your TA score will have an increased chance of rating on the higher scoring scale.

You made one serious error in your opening statement. That is, you decided to begin discussing your opinion in the opening statement when that was not required. Since this is not a direct question essay, the statement of your direct opinion with a partial explanation is not required. Rather, only a paraphrasing or restatement of the discussion topic, along with an explanation of the discussion instruction is required.

Be careful of your word choices. "Descent" is an action of moving downward or falling while "Decent" means of an acceptable standard. That is a tricky thing when it comes to English words. Some of these have the same pronunciation but different spelling and meanings. Be careful. Using the wrong word / term in a sentence several times throughout the essay means your LR score will be directly affected in s negative manner.

Graduate / Opening Paragraphs for Personal Statement About Interest in Medicine - which is the most promising? [3]

Lin, none of your personal statement opening paragraphs are usable for one reason, they all refer to your "childhood ambition" which all admissions officers frown upon. A child between the ages of 2-10 are not expected to even understand the meaning of being a doctor so you cannot use that as a reference point for a deep, compelling reason to enter into the medical field. Now, had you said that you had an experience as a 13 year old that led to this ambition, then the reviewer will be able to accept that as a logical explanation for your ambition and goals.

It is never a good idea to pre-write your personal statement sections. All personal statements come with varying prompts from different universities. This is not a cookie cutter essay format. It isn't a one size fits all deal. You can't vary the content unless you know what is required of you in terms of personal information in relation to your application for the course. Don't do this. Wait for the actual prompts from the universities you are applying to then write an original essay for each one. Yes, there are universities that check for plagiarized essays. If they find that you submitted the same essay to multiple universities, then you are sunk. It is best if you write an original essay for each application. The facts may be the same, but the presentation always needs to be different. This is a new thing that universities have started doing. They actually hire firms to do this job.

Writing Feedback / A big chunk of people's earnings goes to purchasing material things [5]

Jommi, there is a confusing sentence in your opening statement. What exactly do you mean by " I believe that this is a forward to a negative growth of humans today"? Listen, you don't need to be extremely wordy or overly descriptive in your essays. Since English is not your native language, it would be best for you to aim for clear sentences that use everyday jargon instead of trying to sound intellectual in a manner that isn't so. You could have simply said "I believe that this is a negative development in our modern society.", which would have been clearer and made more sense. Also, in your concluding paragraph, you only need to restate your support of the negative discussion once. There was no need for the last sentence that mentioned "outweigh the benefits" because that is a totally different prompt discussion and created an open ended instead of concluded essay in your presentation. You lose major points in the TA section for prompt deviations and non-concluded essay presentations.

Writing Feedback / Movies and television have more positive impact on young people than the negative - TOEFL [2]

Tianyi, you do not need to focus so much on your word usage because you have clearly understandable representations of your discussion in the essay. Any mistakes you have grammar - wise are minimal and can be overlooked by the examiner. In fact, he will give an allowance for mistakes because the whole paragraph is coherent and cohesive. You do not have too many problems with GRA either. You have an acceptable range of simple and complex sentence development represented in the essay. However, I would like to point out that you have a tendency to create extremely long (run-on) sentences. Always divide the topics for your sentences. One topic per sentence is enough. Do not make it extremely long. Long sentences do not necessarily indicate complex sentences. That is a common misconception. The main problem with your essay is that you forgot to indicate your disagreement with the original statement provided at the end of your opening paragraph. This being a direct question essay, you must always indicate your personal opinion at the end of the paragraph. This is what will create your effective thesis statement and will be main basis for your TA score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Discussion Essay - Spending money on improving existing public trasport [3]

Nidaa, unfortunately, I cannot grade your work because you did not provide the complete prompt for my reference in reviewing your work. There is no discussion instruction for me to base your response upon. Without knowing what you are being instructed to discuss in the essay, I cannot accurately score you on all 4 scoring considerations. Please be more careful next time. If you want to receive complete and useful help from us, then you need to provide us with the complete instructions for the essay. I can see that you only wrote 4 paragraphs, which means that the essay is under developed in terms of discussion. A completely developed essay discussion is done over 5 paragraphs with 3 of those paragraphs used for reasoning and examples. I also cannot understand why you are discussing the essay in this particular manner because of the lack of instruction. Please, don't waste your time submitting your essay to us if you are careless enough to not include the complete instructions for the discussion at the start. You will only waste your time and my time in reading your essay and then giving only a general instead of pointed advice to help you improve your writing skills.

Scholarship / My goal to become an e-business transformation consultant - IELTS PRIZE personal statement [3]

Chen, your second paragraph is out of place. It doesn't really help to explain why you decided to apply for the course. Rather, it shows the skills that you developed while working in the field, which is not information required by the prompt. You should remove the second paragraph because of that reason. The remaining 3 paragraphs actually better respond to the prompt without the second paragraph included. Remember, just because the word limit is 500, that doesn't mean that you have to turn in a 500 word exactly essay, you can do very well with a 250 - 400 word presentation as well. It is not the word count requirement that is important. The information that is relevant to the prompt should be focused upon in the essay. As long as you write over 250 words, your essay will be acceptable and informative to the reviewer. Don't use word fillers because that is how you end up presenting irrelevant information.

Scholarship / Why the University of Sidney became my first choice? (AAS Suporting Statemnet) [4]

Kiki, you have to be more specific about the reasons you have chosen to pursue masters studies in TESOL in Australia. Right now, you are giving an analysis of the work that you have been doing. That is good but not really effective in explaining why you require further training, specifically in TESOL related areas. How will this line of study improve your professional skills? What abilities do you hope to improve as a teacher of English upon the completion of this course? You need to present a personal analysis of your abilities and shortcomings as an English teacher in order to truly explain the academic and professional goals of your study. With regards to your chosen institution, avoid making general statements such as, "And many more" because that makes the discussion sound highly trivial. Be factual and academic in wording, tone, and response at all times. Refer to specific training or classes that directly relate to an academic or professional goal instead. That will help to strengthen your choice of university far better than your current presentation.

Scholarship / Information about AAS from Australian university websites and from attending educational exhibitions [2]

@yeniuyun Do not term your introduction to the AAS as coming from a "talk show" on campus.; That implies something amateur and television related. Instead, you can say that you first heard about AAS from your lecturer who was giving a "talk" about AAS at a "study abroad conference" in your school. That sounds more professional. Now, since the essay is all about how you obtained study options, you should make reference to other possible university / scholarship / admissions options as well. The main point of this essay is to show the reviewer that you are a student serious about finding the right university for you to study in abroad. The essay itself should imply that after an exhaustive search, you settled on AAS based on your specific academic goals. That will showcase the strength of your conviction when considering your available study options.

Writing Feedback / Energy usage in Australia and house gas emissions. IELTS Writing Task 1 - IELTS 10 Test 1 [2]

Daofan, the first thing you have to remember is that the opening paraphrase contains a specific number of sentences referring to a specific set of summarized instructions. These are as follows:

1. A description of each image provided with an explanation of the content. You cannot combine the two in one reference. Each chart must be individually identified with components enumerated.

2. A representation of the discussion instruction.
3. The trending statement. This may be placed anywhere in the essay in most instances. However, I have found that the students I have assisted in preparing for their Task 1 essays score on a higher level when they integrate the trending sentence at the end of the summarized information.

Do not get used to labeling your essays as you write. This is an unnecessary use of the word count, it will be counted against you should you write in this manner in the actual test. Write in a naturally flowing manner instead. The examiner does not need to be reminded of the parts of the essay. He has been scoring essays for this test longer than you have been preparing for it.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - increasing demand of cosmetic surgery. 354 words [5]

Maryam, you focused so much on presenting more English words in your essay within the word count rather on the quality of your presentation. I always tell the students this repeatedly, "You do not have to write more than 250 words to get an excellent score in the IELTS. You have to write 250 vocabulary appropriate, proof-read, edited, and properly developed words to comprise your essay instead." Writing almost 400 imperfectly presented sentences, improperly spelled words, or incorrect vocabulary word usage in your essay will only serve to lower your overall score to perhaps a non-passing level. That is the problem with the essay that you wrote.

You are starting off paragraphs with small letter instead of capitalized words, you misspelled "focusing" and you used casual writing terms such as "etc." in what is generally an academically worded presentation. You showed a lack of editing and proof reading skills. You present punctuations marks such as the question mark in the middle of a sentence and then follow it up with "etc." showing that you were careless, haphazard, and not really interest in anything other than writing more than the word count and hoping that you could pass the test that way.

If you at least bother to proof read the essay and correct the errors before you submit it for a grade you will show respect for the examiner and a sense of care about the score that you will be getting. Writing just the minimum amount of words, but taking care to submit a proper essay will always get a higher score than someone who wrote more than the minimum but did not make an effort to turn in (almost) perfect paper for scoring.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Negative Development Essay - Cosmetic Surgery [7]

NIdaa, your essay will only score a 4 in this instance because of certain problems in your presentation. The first problem, is that you have created redundancies in the essay. You already indicated in the opening paraphrase that you view this as a negative development. Do not say "I do not this trend positive in any way" because that tends to be confusing. Just say it directly as the prompt instructs, "I see this as a negative development for reasons I will explain below." Game, set, and done. Always aim to write clearly because of the coherence and cohesiveness scoring considerations. You don't need to repeat your point of view within the essay body paragraphs. The only time you should repeat your point of view is in the concluding paragraph as part of the summation presentation. Your conclusion is incorrect as well because you continue to discuss additional, under developed discussion reasons for your point of view. This section should only repeat the prompt topic, your point of view, and the short list of reasons for your belief. That is what you will be scored on. As of now, this is an open ended essay, which will lower your score to even lower than a 4. Basically, this essay will not pass the test. Do not try to write too many words. Writing the minimum of 250 is fine because that will leave you with enough time to proof read and edit your paper before you submit it. Remember, you are being scored not on the number of words you are writing, but on your ability to use the English language in expressing yourself clearly to the reader. If the reader can understand everything you are trying to say, then you have accomplished the task of the essay. As of now, you still need to do a lot of work in terms of learning English sentence construction and vocabulary meaning before you can achieve that.

Scholarship / Why I choose master course in Mining and Metallurgical Engineering at Curtin University [3]

Farhan, I am uncertain as to how to help you improve this essay because you did not provide the prompt instructions for the development of the essay response. That's too bad because I can only offer you one free advice per essay that you post. All I can do to help you at this point is give you a general review and offer a comment regarding the general weakness of your essay.

There is a mistake in your personal reference to your college degree. You do not graduate as a bachelor, you graduate with a degree in Bachelor of Science in Mining Engineering. Please correct that grammatical error as soon as you can. Remember, the first sentence you write will help to build your image as a potential student with the reviewer. Perfect grammar should be the ideal goal in this instance to help in the creation of that image.

Please restate your desire to help the mining community in a manner that indicates what your current profession is, what the duties and responsibilities are, and what steps you have taken so far to help improve the mining community in your area / country. At this point, there is no actual purpose for your studies if it does not tie in with a professional setting. Without the professional implication, the reviewer will wonder about how you plan to become of help to the community and how you can Implement these changes you will learn about during your course of study.

The aforementioned shortcoming of your essay is what makes it weak and unable to compete on a professional consideration level with the other applicants. You need to strengthen that aspect of your essay if you are to stand any sort of chance at admission consideration.

Writing Feedback / A friend keeping an eye on flat during vacation [3]

@sfiza you have a confusing method of presenting information in this letter. For example, the following statement:


indicates that your neighbor told you about the coming visit of his friend. What you want to say is that you informed your neighbor about your friend's visit so the first person pronoun I should be in use here as in "I informed him about your visit".


- There is no sense or meaning to this sentence. You informed your friend that the said friend will stay in your place and? There is no subject nor verb to this sentence. It doesn't tell the reader anything. But it does confuse the reader very well.

What exactly is a water geezer? You meant to say faucet right? A faucet is what the sinks at home use for water delivery. A geezer is a queer, odd, or eccentric person. What you are describing is a thing that does not qualify as any of these based on the definition of the word.

You failed to provide instructions to your friend as to how to visit these places of interest that you mentioned. That was required in the prompt as part of the places of interest to visit. Your friend is a tourist and therefore, does not have any idea as to how to get around your place of residence.

Overall, this is terrible work and will not pass the essay writing criteria on any basis.

Graduate / I need this education - your future career goals as a social worker [2]

Jasmine, your essay is extremely difficult to read. You need to separate the presentation into paragraph topics. Group these by related discussions. Right now, I am having a difficult time keeping track of what it is you are saying and, if I remove my eyes from the page for an instant, I totally lose my place in the reading. It is never a good idea to stress out the reviewer while reading your paper. He may decide to reject your application based on such a simple technicality.

Additionally, if you divide the essay as instructed, you will notice the points in the presentation that are irrelevant, such as your teenage experience and being a minority in Canada, which can be removed without affecting the overall essay. Try to focus on Canada for your career goal since you are a professional who is employed in that country. Your desire to impact the lives of women in Asian countries is too big a leap that you will not be able to achieve with a simple masters degree. You are talking PhD level studies in that instance, which, you have yet to achieve. Focus on helping other South Asian women in Canada first since that is where your minority status exists. Rethink the content of your essay in terms of your study focus and career goals first. Leave the bigger dreams for the next level of your education.

Scholarship / Commonwealth scholarship short essay on objectives during award, and career plan after award. [2]

Alao, why are you presenting the responses as an itemized listing? This is normally presented as inter connected plans within one solid essay. You need to create this in essay format with appropriate transition sentences to introduce each succeeding discussion. Your objectives need to explain more about how your research relates to your academic and professional goals. Focus more on explaining how the research will address a specific issue that faces your country rather than giving unclear explanations as to why you would interested in visiting waste management sites. Explain what sort of seminars and conferences you wish to attend as well. Your career objectives lack a clear path of career development. Plans for promotion and how you plan to achieve that through the use of the knowledge you will be gaining will be helpful in better developing that explanation. Remember, you need a 5 year career plan in order to show the actual use of the knowledge and skills you will be gaining. Be specific in your intentions. Whether it happens or not is irrelevant. It is the detailed career plan that is being considered here. Show how ambitious you are. integrate the 5 year career plan with the long term career field, ending with you developing an interest in gaining a PhD later on.

Scholarship / What will you do after finishing school? Supporting Statement - Australia Awards Scholarship [2]

@Milkx_Tea your response is confusing. If you have already worked at XYZ company and you are planning to return there after you graduate then say that immediately. Don't beat around the bush saying you will apply for a job when all you have to do is go back to the old company. Or, do you mean that you will apply for a new job there because you had to resign when you decided to study this masters degree? If that is the case, then you should clearly explain that to the reviewer. You also need to make specific references as to how you plan to contribute to the development of this sector upon your return. Be more career specific in your explanation. This is just a wee bit vague in presentation and doesn't really clearly explain your after study plans.

Writing Feedback / In recent society, more and more people are trying to live by their own [3]

Jommie, this essay suffers from too much discussion. The prompt requires you discuss this statement coming from only one point of view. So you either talk about the opinion in a positive or negative light. You cannot discuss both. Given that mistake, your response will be considered only partially correct and you will get a score somewhere between 3 and 4 for the actual essay. Remember, unless you are asked to specifically discuss both points of view in the essay instructions, all essays are to be discussed as single opinion essays only. While you did an acceptable job of discussing the topic, the prompt deviation is what will prevent this essay from receiving a high score. You must also present a uniform set of sentences per paragraph. Remember the golden rule is 3-5 sentence for every paragraph in the 5 paragraph essay. Follow that instruction and you will be sure to get a better scoring consideration for all your essays.

Writing Feedback / Increasing average weight of people has become a matter of great concern nowadays [2]

Jamye, the weakness of your essay lies first, in your overview presentation. Your paragraph restatement contains a run on sentence. Please remember that two separate idea topics must be presented as two separate sentences in order to qualify as part of the GRA consideration for your essay. Using long sentences and commas to separate the ideas does not work to your benefit in this instance. There is also a problem with the under development of your essay presentation. You need to present a completely developed 5 paragraph essay in order to gain maximum scoring in all considerations. With only 3 sentences, your essay will be deemed little developed and thus, will receive low scores in all scoring considerations. It is always in your best scoring interest to present a 5 paragraph discussion composed of 3-5 sentences. Now, since you did not provide me with the original prompt for discussion, I will refrain from commenting on the actual discussion you presented. That is something I can only assess if you give me the original prompt to compare your discussion to. For now, the general observations of the mistakes in your essay presentation will suffice.

Writing Feedback / Ielts academic discussion essay - the importance of different kind of sports. [5]

Zainab in an academic IELTS discussion, you are expected to reflect the sentiments of the original prompt in your opening paragraph. That means, you must restate the prompt based upon your own understanding and then offer an explanation of the upcoming discussion. The sentences for this 5 paragraph essay is always between 3-5 sentences. Run-on sentences and extremely long sentences separated by commas must be avoided because these prevent you from properly developing a mix of complex and simple sentences in your presentation. Run-on and long sentences always lower your GRA and C&C scores due to the lack of focus and proper sentence presentation. The work that you did in this essay feels rushed, little developed, and not really on point with regards to the expected discussion. Your sentences are only a series of "talking points" that are not really developed in meaning or relationship with the topic sentence in every paragraph. Avoid single sentence presentations. These will decrease your scoring potential. Make sure to represent a separate personal opinion that is fully developed in terms of presentation in the essay. Single sentence personal opinions will not result in increased scoring potential for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS: Writing Task 2: Importance of Planting Trees in Cities and Towns [6]

Serena, you will score a total of 4 with this essay because your response is only minimal. Your response is tangential and does not appropriately respond to the criteria set for the response in the original prompt. The discussion instruction is asking you for an emotional response that gives a degree of agreement with the statement. This is when you should be responding in a manner that indicates either a total or partial agreement or disagreement with the topic. Instead, you responded in a simple manner indicated by a simple point of view essay. A more appropriate response for this would have been:

For several reasons that a will be discussing in this essay, I find that I am in total agreement with the previous statement.

You have to work on the coherence and cohesiveness of your essay paragraphs. Your ideas are all under developed and under discussed. This means the reader is left confused and wondering about the point of your statements. You can't jump around from topic to topic in the paragraph or expect single sentence explanations to suffice. Complete the 5 sentence requirement with the following representation per paragraph:

1. topic sentence
2. explanation sentence
3. additional reasoning
4. example sentence
5. explanation of example

There is no excuse for your writing to not be in alignment with the prompt requirements. You are expected to come to the testing center prepared to take the test, regardless of time constraints in your writing. You cannot use the excuse that your writing was not on par because you timed yourself while writing. Timing yourself is the appropriate method of preparing for this test. Learning how to respond properly to the questions has nothing to do with time limitations. Read other examples of well written essays in this forum. Don't make excuses for your mistakes because excuses will not help you pass in the actual test. There is no scapegoat when you discuss the essay in the actual test in a manner that does not follow the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be responsible for teaching their children what polite and good behaviors are? [3]

Chi, there are two major mistakes in your essay that you need to be aware of. The first, is that you are not taking the TOEFL test but an IELTS test so giving your specific opinion at the end of the opening paragraph is not recommended / allowed. The second, is that you need to discuss both points of view separately and then offer a paragraph about your personal opinion. You did not do that in this essay.

The opening paragraph is meant to showcase your English comprehension skills and ability to explain discussion points in your own original way. That is why the IELTS test does not allow you to present a personal opinion right off the bat. Each paragraph is limited to 5 fully developed sentences each. Which means, your personal opinion needs to be built up within the 3 paragraph discussion body instead of being a simple mention at the end of the opening paraphrase. That mistake will cost you tremendously in the TA scoring. The fact that you did not properly discuss your own point of view, after the discussion of both sides of the issue, will also drag down your TA score further so you may not be able to score highly enough in the remaining criteria to pull up your individual scores to a total passing score when combined.

The discussion format is:
1. Opening paraphrase
2. POV 1
3. POV 2
4 . Personal POV
5. Summarized conclusion

Remember that format when discussing the 2 opinion, one personal point of view essay. That format never changes for that discussion.

Writing Feedback / Group members as well as the tour guide both add restrictions to the travel [3]

Tianyi, , this was a pretty good attempt at responding to a direct question essay. However, since you forgot to specify which test you are planning to take, I cannot really give you a specific assessment of your work based on the specific scoring criteria for each test. Please inform me next time about the test you will be taking so that the appropriate review can be provided. With regards to your discussion of this essay,

What I can tell you is this, the last sentence of your first paragraph is a cut and paste of the original prompt phrase for that section. As such, whether it be a TOEFL or IELTS test, you will lose points. You need to use your own original words to describe the prompt and its discussion sentence. You cannot use the same words at all because that shows a limited vocabulary, but a good understanding of the English language on your part. So you will score up in one section and score down in another. That is not an equal balance and it will affect your overall score.

All the English tests prefer that the explanations given by the exam takers be based either on personal experience or popular knowledge. So your reference to your travel experience is good. Offering questions in one paragraph then not responding to it? That's definitely bad. There is no place for rhetorical questions in any English test. Be consistent in your presentation and make sure you always remind the examiner that the information is based on your personal experience. Certain experiences, such as having the tour guide force the tourists to buy from a store is not the norm for most travelers and may be unique to your experience so you need to clarify that in order to use it as a positive reference to increase your scoring points.

Scholarship / My essay for the Julius Mwalimu scholarship scheme [4]

Jimmy, you just narrated the plight of Africans in your community. You did not properly represent why you chose the specific program and how it can help in African Development. This is only a 5 paragraph essay that you over extended without really responding to the required information. You need to write a totally new essay. There should only be 2 topics for discussion in it, in a straightforward manner. The first topic should be, why you chose the program. The reason for choosing the program should rely only on one specific problem in Africa that you hope to help resolve based upon your college education and the relationship of your current academic focus with the problem. As you discuss the academic focus, consider what skills and solutions you hope to develop, perhaps through the work you will be doing on your masters thesis (based upon the problem you hope to resolve). The end of the essay should justify how you see these new skills and knowledge helping to improve the plight of Africans. This essay is information specific. Your essay is not. It is not pointed towards any clear responses, goals, or solutions. Hence it cannot be used as an informative essay by the reviewer in assessing your application.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 8 test 4 task2: heavier weight and less fitness [4]

Vicki, you opening paraphrase is incorrect as it does not properly represent the discussion topics provided and the discussion instruction. You must always ensure that you prove your English comprehension abilities in the opening statement because that is how your Task Accuracy is scored. A bad TA score will result in a less than stellar performance in the actual exam. The proper paraphrase is:

There is a worldwide trend of increasing weight among people. This trend has resulted in lower health and fitness level among the heavyset population. There are several causes of this problem which will be discussed in this essay. Possible mitigating measures will also be presented within the discussion.

There is a reason that it is called the prompt restatement or paraphrase. This section of the test must prove your ability to be able to explain yourself in the English language, using various words (lexical resource) that have the same meaning. This proves that you are able to understand English instructions and, if asked to explain it to a person, you will be able to do so without changing the meaning of the discussion. The opening paragraph you presented did not properly accomplish that task. You were nowhere near a proper prompt restatement of similar meaning. Here is your mistake:

Original Discussion Instruction: What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Your Response: This is not a good sign for our next generation and the society, I think unhealthy lifestyle might be responsible for these problems.

The reason that you made this mistake is simple. The instructions for the opening paraphrase in the Task 2 essay is clear. You are not allowed to present an actual opinion in this statement, only a restatement of instructions because there is no room for the full development of your presentation of opinion in that paragraph.

In addition this problem, you have also shown a careless manner of writing because you did not bother to proof read, edit, and revise your essay when it came to grammar mistakes. You are using the wrong terms in English which will result in a failing LR score. Here are samples of your mistakes:

1. east fast food - eat...
2.... which are not only gain weight... - what does this even mean?
3. physic exercises - physical
4. compress his leisure time of sleep or taking other activities - What?
5. salt and fats they use - these are consumed, not used.

You were so careless in the development of your statements that all of your scores in the overall scoring considerations will not get a passing score. You need to be careful and build up a proper English vocabulary in order to pass this test.

Research Papers / Teachers Being Armed in School [3]

Sasha, were you instructed to write this research paper from a single point of view using the "against" side? The reason I ask is because research essays are normally instructed to be written from both points of view, sans any personal point of view on the part of the writer. This is expected to provide the reader with adequate information regarding both sides of the discussion so that the reader can come to a personal conclusion on the matter presented. I will not disagree with your presentation as I am not conscious of the instructions for this assignment. I am merely stating that the discussion seems to be one sided, which could affect the strength of your discussion. Normally a pro and con discussion is indicated for this sort of topic. However, if you were not instructed to write in that manner then your writing is acceptable. However, you have several references to information that do not have actual sources of information. You cannot simply say "an article online". You must indicate the article title within the text as part of the verifiable in-text citation requirements. Otherwise the information becomes hearsay and loses validity. You must also indicate where you got the information about PTSD and other illnesses as these are obviously research information from a primary source. You must also expand upon the discussion regarding how the presence of guns in schools will cause the development of each illness. You cannot give overall sweeping statements because each effect has a different cause. I will admit that this is a pretty good draft. There is room for improvement and changes (if possible based upon instructions). Not bad work at all. A few more revisions and this essay should be done.

Writing Feedback / WE COULD NEVER LEARN TO BE BRAVE AND PATIENT, IF THERE WERE ONLY JOY IN THE WORLD [4]

Chau, the academic focus of your discussion is confusing because you have tried to explain a quote, without really understanding what it means on a personal basis. When responding to explanation essays, the focal point of the discussion must be on the applicability of the essay in your everyday life or a specific situation in your life. By explaining how the quote refers to you on a personal basis, the reader gains a more practical understanding of the quote. There is no need for you to restate the quote at the beginning nor indicate where the quote came from. That is just a word filler that the examiner will realize you have done because you lack a proper understanding of the text so you are hoping to simply fill the time and space with words that do not really offer a pointed explanation of the quote. This is a terribly developed essay because it doesn't deliver an actual and usable explanation of the quote. You tried to explain the superficial or shallow meaning of the quote when what is required, is a deep and insightful definition instead. Next time, approach this from a personal analytical point of view instead.

Research Papers / Peer review needed on the vital roles midwives play in today's society [2]

Lauren, this is a pretty good draft. I would have liked to have read more discussion on a comparative point between the treatment of mothers in labor under midwives and those under the care of an OB/GYN. I believe that the comparison is necessary in order to prove your point. Making your claims stronger and more influential in the process of reading it. Without the comparison points, the discussion and research becomes lopsided, not really offering complete information by which the reader can make an informed decision. While your discussion in support of midwife birthing is based on facts, there may be questions arising from these facts presented. The research paper should anticipate such questions and provide responses beforehand. That is why the comparison is important in some aspects of the presentation.

With regards to the transitions, you need to work on it. The transitions are not clear at the end of the essay paragraphs. The transitions should connect the preceding paragraph discussion to the upcoming paragraph. Now, you may have done that but it is not as effective as you thought it was. I found myself wondering about the transitions throughout the essay.

By the way, try to limit your quotes to one paragraph each. Remember, you can't just stick the quote in there and move on. You always have to explain your understanding of the quote and its relationship to the topic sentence of the paragraph. You sometimes close the paragraphs with quotes, which makes the reader wonder about why you moved on from the discussion so quickly.

Your essay is overwhelmed with information. You may want to lessen some of it so that the essay can better focus on a specific discussion for the overall topic. Right now, you are taking on too much with the discussion so it becomes unfocused and difficult to present in a manner that will continuously retain the interest of the reader. Not bad work for a draft. You can definitely improve some presentations though.

Scholarship / "A sound track of excellence and dedication"; Statement of purpose (max 500 words) - UK scholarship [3]

Bulus, the actual purpose of your application is missing from the essay. As the title of the essay is Statement of Purpose, you actually have to explain the reasons why you are interested in pursuing this masters degree based on academic and professional goals. What you have written here is a personal statement, not a statement of purpose. So you will have to go back and write a totally new essay. The new essay should cover some important information relevant to your application such as :

1. What you studied in college and any academic recognitions to had at the time.
2. Your most relevant work experiences in relation to your chosen masters degree. Indicate any profession related recognition whenever possible.
3. What you believe to be the most pressing problem in your line of work at this time.
4. Why you believe that completing a masters degree in this course will help you to address this problem upon your return.
5. Why you chose to enroll in this particular university based on your personal academic and professional criteria.
6. How you plan to apply your new knowledge in your workplace.

These are the required elements of the statement of purpose. Most of these information are not represented in your essay so you will need to write a new one that is based upon the above guidelines.

Scholarship / Hi I'm Queen. This scholarship is for help to drive proper interventions and policies in Nigeria. [4]

Nuella, you can keep the part of the essay that discusses how you plan to work with the UN in the prevention of female abuse in your country. The rest of the essay however, needs to be rewritten. There are only 2 focal points in this essay. your education goals and how you will use the knowledge gained to help improve the situation in your country. You were able to appropriately provide the latter discussion. What is lacking in the essay is an explanation of your academic goals. The reviewer is not interested in a summarized presentation of your academic and personal biography. He is interested to learn why, based on the context of your current profession, you feel that undergoing masters courses will be able to help you further improve your career practice. What is the academic objective? What is the focus of your education? Consider the course you will be enrolling in and how it is relevant to what you want to do to help improve the state of women's rights in your country. That becomes your academic goal. That is what you have to represent in this essay.

Book Reports / Curious Incident of the dog... What are the major ways Christopher has changed in the end of novel [3]

Maha, you have your introduction threshed out as well as your thesis statement. So from that point on, the essay should focus on specific events from the novel that will help to illustrate the development of the character in the context of the prompt. Pick 3 instances that depict this. One from the start of the novel, the middle, and the ending part. You need to make sure that the character build up you present is based upon specific events and character participation in Christopher's life. Make sure that you accurately analyze the development of the character and mention instances that confirm the character development later on in the story. The developments needs to interconnect in your presentation so make sure that you choose events that can be easily explained as launching points for character development. These instances can help you further improve your good start on the analysis essay for the story.

Research Papers / Women in Law Enforcement- research paper for ENG102 [2]

Maquel, in order to create a more authoritative stance on the role of women in the police force, you must avoid all mention of the television depiction of women on the force. that is because television is known to exaggerate certain aspects of the police force and that includes the treatment of women in the workplace. It is often advised that fictional portrayals needs to avoided in authoritative presentations such as this paper because of the questions surrounding television presentations of certain instances. Your paper suffers in terms of credibility because of that reference.

Speaking of credibility, you cannot mention quotes from unnamed sources in the paper. When narrating events based on quotes, the name of the person must be included as part of the in-text citation otherwise that part of the paper becomes questionable and cannot be deemed to be authoritative in presentation. Names are important in this instance due to the fact checking requirements of your research data. You did this towards the end of the paper so you just need to adjust the earlier presentations to reflect the same quotation style for the narrated events based on the experience of the female police officers.

I believe that this paper will be more authoritative if you can provide some proposed solutions to the problem of women and their treatment on the force. That feels like something that was not addressed properly in the essay because of the focus on the problems of the females on the police force. The balance of discussion and information presented becomes incomplete when read.

The paper is good, but needs formatting improvement and some additional information in order to create a more accurate report.

Scholarship / My reasons for applying the master's program of General and Applied Linguistics [2]

Teuku, your essay is not appropriate for the prompt. The reason for your proposed course and institution must be based on your future career plans instead of hindsight educational goals. When you are asked why you chose a specific course, you explain that your focus is on structural linguistics but you do not explain why this particular course will be beneficial to you as a budding polyglot. What is the actual aim of your studies? What do you hope to achieve after completing the course? That is the reason why you chose to study this course in particular and that is what you should be explaining in the first part of the essay.

When you are asked about the chosen institution, you cannot claim the country as the institution. The scholarship committee would like to learn about the factors that led you to choose a particular university in Australia. What was the criteria that you used which have a direct connection with your purpose for study? How will the university be able to help you achieve your academic goals? Why can't the other universities do that? Be specific. If you are telling the reviewer that you are looking for a university then you will definitely lose your chance at this scholarship because you do not have any actual study plans to present. That shows either a lack of preparation on your part or a lack of actual interest in obtaining the scholarship. Prepare all of the required elements for the response before you write another draft essay. Find the university first.

Research Papers / English rough draft regarding pregorexia disorder [2]

Lente, as I read your essay, I found that I was becoming confused as I tried to follow the flow of your discussion. It seems that you were jumping around in terms of the definition, history, development, and analysis of the illness. Based on your research, I would advice you to reorder the paragraphs with the question about Pregorexia being a real disease first. Then follow it up with the clinical definition of the illness. After that, a clear representation of the signs and symptoms of the illness and then finally, the recommended treatment for the disease suffering soon to be mothers. All of these elements are present in your essay. However, you did not present it in a connected format, which is why it became confusing to read. You should also develop transition sentences at the end of paragraphs that lead into the next phase of the discussion so that the reader will have an easier time following and keeping track of the discussion as presented. Overall though, the essay is highly informative and calls attention to a little known pregnancy related illness. One additional note though, you may want to consider deepening the psychological discussion of the illness in terms of mind conditioning, social commentary, and other elements that help to promote Pregorexia among the mothers. Look into how the comments of friends and family, as well as maternity fashion plays a role in the development of the mindset that leads to the illness. That should help to create an even more informative presentation for your discussion.

Writing Feedback / Academic IELTS Writing Task 1: Movie Tickets Sales by Genre from 1980 till 2010 [3]

Serena, you could probably score around a 6 in the official band score for this test. Your presentation is clear but constantly in summary rather than reporting form. Your clarity is acceptable except when you indicate information a parenthesis for 2 different items in the report. I tis best to use the given numerical information at all times because an analytical report essay relies heavily on the factual numerical data given by the original report. Summary reporting does not effectively work in a Task 1 essay. You must make sure that you are constantly double checking the information you are presenting. Be factually accurate and take note of minute / minor details such as the overlapping instances in the graph. This refers to the "comparisons" part of the instruction When certain parts of the graph overlap, that means, there is similar information shared by the graph and this should be reported in the analysis as well. Doing so indicates that you took the time to truly compare and contrast the information given. Overall, good work. You wrote enough words to be above the minimum word count and, more importantly, you have enough simple and complex sentences presented in the essay. You need to improve your vocabulary use but I would not worry about it so much because the mistakes in that area don't really affect the meaning of the sentence nor change the topic of the paragraph. Good job. Keep it up. I know you will do very well. in the actual test.

Scholarship / WHY TESOL in University of Canberra or Sydney? (AAS Hunter) [2]

Umniyyatul, try to create a more integrated presentation of your reason for choosing the course at this institution. As I read the two paragraphs, it appears that there are 2 separate reasons for your desire to study a course and why you chose the university. There needs to be a justification for your interest in TESOL as offered by the university. Consider who you can use the education from the university to improve the plight of TESOL learners in your country. Pick a few courses from the curriculum and then explain how the course can help address a specific learning situation in your country. By doing that, you will create a far more interesting and connected discussion as to why you chose the course and the university. It will include a justification discussion which will help to strengthen the reasoning for your choices.

Writing Feedback / The newspapers have a strong effect on an individual's viewpoint and ideas. [3]

Gurpinder, since this is a direct question essay, you are not supposed to indicate your response as a separate sentence before the discussion. Rather, it should be integrated into the first paragraph discussion that presents a proper restatement of the prompt along with the beginning of your opinion discussion. Now, the main problem with your paper is that you only offer talking points that aim to prove the positive effect of newspaper reading in the formation of the ideas and opinions of people. However, you fail to justify your talking points with supporting reasons and evidence that will support your claims. Thus, your opinion becomes weak and unfounded. Unless you can state popular information and examples to assist in strengthening your opinion, you can't really expect the reader to take your work for it. The response that you provided is simply not convincing enough due to lack of strong supporting popular information and evidence.

Writing Feedback / Should children always obey their parents' counsel? [3]

Hang, what type of essay are you writing exactly? I am not sure if this is a TOEFL or IELTS test because you did not provide the exam name and full prompt that you are responding to. I know that you are asking for writing feedback but I cannot offer definitive feedback unless I know what the essay you have written is for. Even without that information though, I have some comments for you to consider. The first of which is with regards to your opening statement. By opening the paragraph with the phrase "In fact," that indicates that you offered a series of sentences prior to that which connect with this new information being presented. Without that information, you appear to be starting the discussion in the middle instead of presenting a proper opening presentation. That will definitely be very bad for your scoring considerations. Also, you pose questions within the essay but do not have enough space within which to accurately respond to these rhetorical presentations. Avoid rhetorical presentations because these tend to make the writer deviate from the original topic or, you simply do not have the space within which to properly respond to the self imposed questions. These will be another set of reasons why you will receive points deductions, regardless of the exam type.

Research Papers / Marijuana: a drug, or a cure? Respond with three weakness' in my paper [2]

Sam, you have to revise the essay to be more fluid in presentation. Consider the use of transition sentences and paragraphs in order to create a smoother reading of the provided paragraphs. It would also be beneficial to your presentation, for clarity purposes, if you present the first half of the essay with the drawbacks first, then the benefits last. Rather than jumping around from benefits to drawbacks every so often within your current presentation If you group the discussion, you will manage to close the essay on the opinion that you support using the strongest possible presentation possible. I noticed that you quote a number of factual data in the essay without offering the sources of the information. Please remember that in-text citations are required in all research paper formats. Without it, you could be accused of plagiarism by the professor. Your data will also be questionable as there is not possible way to verify the veracity of the information you are providing to the reader. These could create credibility problems for your presentation and result in a paper that is dubious in the eyes of the reader. You also have a problem with your grammar, sentence, development, and presentation. A simple spellcheck within the document program could clear up that problem for you. Or, you can have someone else proofread your paper for grammar and punctuation errors and correction.

Graduate / Focus on Hepatitis B infection - SHORT ESSAY OF ABOUT 500 WORDS - TO OFID SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Kabenge, this essay is all over the place. I do not see how your being born last in the family directly relates to your wanting to be of service to your community. There is no relationship between your opening statement and the rest of that paragraph. Now, I can understand why you would want to help increase the educational attainment of the people in your country. I don't understand how you can help with the hepatitis epidemic because your discussion focus is on education, which is a far cry from the job of a medical professional who would be able to help arrest such an epidemic in your country. I believe that you are a bit confused with regards to what you really want to study and how you hope to accomplish it through the completion of a masters degree. Your paper lacks focus and commitment to one actual cause. That is why it is so vague in reference to all of the prompt requirements and relies heavily in your background presentation, which will not help your application at this point. Try to write a new essay that is more specific in terms of reference to the prompt discussion points. Make sure that you actually show a foundation, study plan, and goal application in your country upon your graduation. Without that, the essay is worthless to your application.

Writing Feedback / SCIENCE Article - How Different Kind of Bias Impact Research [2]

Albert, you have too many topics under discussion in this research paper but not enough in discussion in terms of topic development. I am really confused at this point regarding which type of bias should be focused on in this paper and why I should care about it. The opening statement does not deliver an accurate nor clear thesis statement regarding bias, which is probably why the paper appears to be directionless. Rather than trying to cover all types, causes, and effects of bias, it would be better if you focus your research on one or two related cases of bias in relation to the scientific aspect of the discussion. You can consider discussing how gender bias against women scientists has affected scientific research in a specific field. Then mention some successful research of female scientists that were prevented from being published because of gender bias. It will be a bit difficult for you to successfully discuss bias in general in relation to science because the field is too wide for discussion. You must narrow down the discussion in order to clarify the point of your paper. Do some topic brainstorming first. Then narrow down the topic till you are left with one important bias topic for discussion or two related topics. From there, outline the topics for discussion then look at whether or not you will be able to access relevant information for it. Right now, your essay presents the topics for discussion but does not present an accurate discussion of each point. Which is what is causing the problems for your essay presentation. Figure out the point of the essay first, then revise the current content to go into the direction you need it to go in for the presentation.