Research Papers / Save the Kids: Buy a Flip Phone [2]

Hi heather, the first thing that I noticed upon finishing the first paragraph of your research paper is that the thesis statement does not make me care about the importance of having the child use a flip phone. The use of the Flip Phone should be the central theme in your essay and therefore, must be referenced in the thesis statement. That way, the flip phone information does not seem disconnected from the rest of the essay. It needs to be mentioned either as a comparison point or as a historical reference within the succeeding discussions.

Since there are several advantages to using the flip phone for children, the comparison must be done within several paragraphs. So your discussion should showcase why pediatric professionals would choose to promote the flip phone over the android phone for children's use. The social advantages can be referenced when you mention bullying and social media as having negative effects on the child.

Your conclusion doesn't include a reference to the Flip phone either. If the Flip Phone is the future of children's cellphones, then it should be reiterated towards the end as well. Don't forget, the way you set up the essay is more in line with a compare and contrast discussion / research rather than a single point of view discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay about stressful lives of modern-day teenagers. [4]

Asif, the discussion begs you to do a compare and contrast presentation. That is why you are being asked to discuss the point of view provided along with your opinion. Your opinion needs to be formulated on the premise that the previous generation had an easier life than the current generation. That is not depicted in this essay so, even though you use the correct direct response approach, your response has become only partial in terms of prompt requirements. It is because of this reason that you might get near a passing grade for the essay, but not an actual passing grade. When you add up the under developed topic presentations per paragraph, you will get an even lower C&C score in the process. When combined with the low TA score due to prompt deviation, it will be extremely difficult for you to pull this up to a passing grade. You need to improve your English comprehension skills. Make sure that you understand what the instructions for the discussion format are so that you do not make a mistake which results in an over all lowering of your major scoring aspects. More importantly, remember the golden rule, one topic per paragraph within the 3 body paragraph discussion allotment. Don't have less than 3 sentences, but not more than 5 either. You did that several times in this essay so I really do not see how this essay will garner a passing score in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Judging book by its cover - reliable opinion or not? [3]

Nyuyen, you will not score very well in the TA section of the scoring because you did not properly paraphrase the opining statement in the first paragraph. Perhaps you are not familiar with the IELTS Task 2 rules. The first paragraph, under this rule, is always used to provide an insight into your English comprehension skills. That is why you are asked to merely restate the prompt at this point and provide an explanation of what the discussion instruction is. The direct question response, as you did in this essay is meant for a different kind of IELTS essay test. The opening paraphrase for this essay should be similar to this:

It is believed that modern times have changed the way people judge the value of people. Whereas before, a person's worth was measured by his honesty and integrity, these days it appears that material wealth is the predominant judging criteria for the value of a person. I strongly disagree with this statement for a number of reasons.

You also need to make sure that all of your sentences deliver a clear statement. In this instance,


does not make sense. The sentence does not have a point. There is a subject but no verb. What exactly do you mean? The sentence leaves the reader confused and stressed out when you make incomplete statements. This happens often throughout your essay. Try to make sure that you do not translate from your mother tongue to English. That is where the confusing sentence development arises. You need to practice thinking in English aside from writing in English so that your sentences make sense every time.

Speeches / Describe one of the Seven Wonders of the ancient world and give your feeling (homework) [2]

Minh, did you write this descriptive essay in a hurry? While you did use vivid descriptions in the essay and you made sure to point out the historical value of the place, you did not really take care of your writing style. Your presentation is riddled with spelling errors, sentence spacing problems, and quite frankly, a lack of writing care. You only wrote enough to get the job done. You did not care about presenting an appropriately edited piece of writing, which made your work come across as careless, inconsistent, and rushed. I am sure you already used a document program that comes with editing abilities to write this essay. Make use of the spellcheck and editing features that came with the program. Even if you are in a rush, all you have to do is take note of the suggested correction and click on it to apply it to the essay. Then do one final read through of the document before submitting it. Most of the errors are easily caught in the presentation using this simple method of editing. Don't submit a non-proofread essay for any reason to anybody. That shows that you don't care about the grade that you get, just that you accomplish the requirement. The grade is just as important as completing the requirement for the class. They carry equal value in the grading system.

Scholarship / "I will benefit directly" - A short essay for OFID scholarship [3]

Fatemah, your essay focuses mostly on your previous academic experience, which is not part of the required information for this essay. Rather, you are being asked to look towards the future in relation to your academic needs. Based upon the job that you are performing now, why do you feel that you must pursue advanced academic learning in the field of human rights? What career hindrances do you hope to overcome by completing this masters degree? Give an example of how this masters degree will be able to help you address a specific need in Afghanistan. you can relate that example to the plight of the female prisoners. Discuss what human rights violations they experience in relation to how your studies can help you assist them in their plight by preventing human rights and women's rights abuses. At this point, the reviewer is not interested in your previous academic experience. He is however, interested in learning how your current academic goals align with the study objectives of the course you have chosen. That, remains unclear for the most part in your essay. You have too many broad statements about interacting with the faculty and other students, but no real explanation of how specific elements of the course will help advance your academic and career objectives. Be more detailed in your response. You have 500 words after all, there is no need for sweeping statements. There is a need however, for specific statements in your presentation based upon the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: ... To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste ? [2]

Minh, you have created a prompt deviation in your discussion which will result in the failure of this essay in an actual test. This mistake will cost you a failing mark in the TA section of the scoring process. You did not offer a paraphrase for the original prompt and discussion instruction in the opening statement. You instead began am immediate discussion, stating reasons for the discussion in the opening paragraph. That is not what you are supposed to do in the opening statement. I take it that you are self studying and you have not bothered to read about the actual format for the IELTS Task 2 essay from online sources. That is why you made so many severe mistakes in this essay. The proper format is as follows:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Reason 1 with supporting evidence
3. Reason 2 with supporting evidence
4. Reason 3 with supporting evidence
5. Summarized information conclusion

Familiarize yourself with the English grammar capitalization rules as well. Only proper nouns such as the name of people, places, and things, as well as titles are capitalized. Throughout your essay, you have capitalized words such as Global Warming, Climate Changes, Animals Extinction, which is not required since these do not fall under the capitalization rules.

Next, you have simply bad use of punctuation marks. Brush up on the punctuation marks usage as well since you are scored heavily on that in the GRA aspect of the score. You cannot use a comma and an ellipsis simultaneously in a given sentence. You can only use one of the other. Learn when to use and when not to use the punctuation marks. Figure out which punctuation marks should be used and when.

There is also the problem of sentence presentation per paragraph. Don't write less than 3 but no more than 5 per paragraph, using only one topic for discussion per paragraph.

There are simply too many errors in this essay for you to receive a passing mark. I hope that you take the time to familiarize yourself with the Task 2 writing requirements before you try and write another essay.

Scholarship / Describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options? [4]

Rio, there are too many references to failure in this essay which makes it a very weak description essay. In addition to the failures, your grammar is also poor and does not show how you would be a good candidate for the course due to your improper presentations. Sadly, I am not allowed to revise your essay in terms of grammar correction so you will have to ask a native English speaker who is known to you to do that for you, or you could opt to hire professional help so that the best essay based upon your provided information can be developed. You should avoid discussing the failures that you experienced because that is not required information in the essay. Instead, build up and focus the discussion only on what you have done so far to ensure that you have considered all of your study options before you decided to settle on the AAS application. Note that instructions asks you to describe the efforts you have undertaken, there is no reference as to whether these efforts were successful or not. The reviewer just needs to be sure that you are applying for the right scholarship and that you have considered all possible options prior to your application. Justify why you believe that the AAS is the most proper choice for you, even though other options are available to you at this time.

Writing Feedback / Newspapers are not being read and news on TV is not being watched by young people... [3]

Ngoc, since you did not post the original prompt with the discussion instruction, I cannot advice you regarding the content of your essay. However, I can tell you this, your essay will not pass during the actual test because there is no actual discussion taking place. In your second paragraph, you indicated 6 discussion points, without any actual development of that discussion through reasoning and evidence presentation. These discussion points should have been focused on the top 3 reasons and discussed in individual paragraphs in the 3 body paragraphs of the essay instead. So your C&C score will be failing at this point. Your GRA, will also not get a passing score because you did not provide the correct sentence presentations to prove that you can properly use the simple and complex sentences to express yourself in English. Keep in mind that there is a minimum 3 maximum 5 sentence ruling per paragraph. That is meant to allow you to show off your English writing skills. You are not supposed to compress all the discussions in just one paragraph. Expand the discussion topics in individual paragraphs next time so that you can make full use of the scoring potential of each bracket requirement.

Letters / My decision to enroll in CSE at TU Braunschweig - Letter of motivation for masters in CSE [2]

Haseeb, you have written a statement of purpose, not a motivational letter. The motivational letter serves to show the development of your interest in the masters course that you have decided to enroll in. As it is, I do not see a real career related motivation for your application. There is a lack of current professional insight within your workplace situation that could justify your interest in this particular masters course. This instead, is an academic biography on your part. It merely summarizes your academic highlights and experiences, which do not necessarily relate to your motivation for higher learning. Hence this is not an essay that can be used as a motivational letter. However, you can use this letter as the basis of your statement of purpose instead. You need to write a new letter that focuses on a particular general problem within your profession that you have seen developing over time and explaining why this should be a major concern in this field. Then indicate why, based on your personal university choice criteria, you decided that this university is the best option for you, given your academic and career goals. This can be completed in a 5 paragraph letter. Remember, you need not delve into details at this point since this is just a cover letter. Just indicate the important aspects of your application that will be further developed in the statement of purpose.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: production of consumer goods vs environment [3]

To, the task 2 essay should always have 5 paragraphs presented in it. The 5 paragraph presentation helps you to create highly developed discussions and relevant explanations in relation to the prompt that you have been provided to respond to. It is because you do not properly use the paragraph allotments that your presentation will be scored down in terms of C&C and GRA considerations.

Take your opening statement. You only have 2 sentences in the presentation when the minimum sentence presentation is 3. The lack of sentence presentation means you did not accurately paraphrase the prompt nor provide the correct outline for the discussion. Here is a sample of a more properly presented opening paraphrase:

Consumer goods are being produced at an alarming rate these days. The overproduction of these items has resulted in problems with regards to our natural environment. While there are several causes of this problem, this essay will focus on the discussion of only one cause of the situation. A simple solution presentation will also be made towards the end of the essay.

You need to utilize the 5 sentence maximum per paragraph, without using run - on sentences so that you can present a myriad of simple and complex sentences throughout the essay. By increasing your score in the GRA section, you may also end up further increasing your score in the other sections.

By the way, the 3 body paragraph presentation of your essay is severely under developed in discussion presentation. That is because you tried to discuss more than one topic per paragraph. If you had fully presented the reasons for the single problem in the 2nd paragraph, then presented a full explanation of the possible government solution in the third, then a thorough explanation of the individual solution in the 4th paragraph, the essay would have scored much better on the C&C scale.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about my educational goals, reasons for applying, and how I would help my country [4]

Abdulrhman, the first two parts of your essay are well within the prompt require information. You present a very strong case for your scholarship candidacy in terms of your academic goals and future application within your workplace. However, your reasons for choosing the OFID scholarship as your educational sponsor will be considered weak and irrelevant. Just because it was easy for you to write the application essay and the scholarship does not require you to enroll in a specific institution does not mean that your academic and professional reasons align with the OFID goals. You must revise that last part of your essay to better align your academic goals and professional interests with the OFID scholarship program. Once you strengthen the connection between the program and your academic and professional interests, then your essay will be in a better place to represent you as a masters degree scholarship candidate.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MA Conflict, Governance and International Development [4]

Wuhni, your approach to this essay is incorrect. It is too academic in presentation. There is a lack of proper interest development in your essay. The development of your interest in this field is the whole point of the personal statement. It is not to be confused with the statement of purpose information that requires the data contained in your current personal statement. For this statement, you need to build upon the exposure that you got as a member of the NYSC. From there, you obviously parlayed this into a professional career. So, what personal aspects of the career further steered your interest in this area? Why do you believe that this masters degree will be relevant to the further development of your career in this field of interest? More importantly, beyond the popular information about the University of East Anglia's School of International Development, what personal reasons led to your choice of university? What was your criteria while choosing the university and why did EA qualify based upon your personal standards? These are the expected and required information for MA personal statements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1- The charts below show reasons for travel and the main issues for the travelling public [3]

Hai, the only problem that exists in this otherwise well developed essay is the sentence structuring. You have a tendency to use long sentences as well as run on sentences in your paragraphs. This limits your ability to properly create simple and complex sentences. It would be best if you avoided using long sentences and instead, present each idea as a stand alone sentence idea in an interconnected paragraph. By presenting stand alone sentences in the paragraph, you will manage to create the necessary presentation requirements to improve your GRA score.

You have shown a good analytical ability. The work you did in presenting the straightforward elements of the essay is admirable. However, the presentation lacks a more analytical presentation to it. Perhaps, in the future, you can do a comparison of the information from the chart in graph to related information in the chart? Yes, I believe that will show that you did a deeper analysis and comparison assessment of the chart before you wrote the report summary. This will result in an increase in your TA and C&8C scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Task 2 - Television ads targeted at young children - what is their influence on youngsters? [3]

Louvy, the above advice doesn't really apply to your work if one considers the prompt requirements which does call for subjectivity in the presentation. This is not an academic essay per se. This is more of a test of your knowledge of the English language and how you can express yourself clearly in the language. This is not a research based academic paper. That is why the prompt is asking you to agree or disagree with the given statement using specific reasons and examples. In an English language test, using personal knowledge and experience gains you a higher score because it shows clear English comprehension skills / understanding of the instructions in a manner that adheres to the instructions you were provided. In this instance, you seem to have done academic research for your response, which is what will lower your score in the final consideration. There is no way you can research information for the essay prompt you will be provided in the actual test because the computer network is locked out of the internet. So the samples and reasoning need to come from the personal point of view.

As for your grasp of the English language, I would say that you will be able to score well in the actual test, Probably above a mere passing score, based on the way you formed and presented the information in your essay. You have a good understanding of English vocabulary and these helped to propel your score to a mere than passing level. I look forward to reading your upcoming essays. I bet you will continue to show improvement with those work. There is very little to no correction required in this essay because you got your message across in every paragraph clearly. Good job!

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys? [2]

Hu, unless otherwise requested specifically in the essay prompt, do not include information such as a personal point of view. If the prompt does not require the information, then that is an irrelevant presentation that can negatively affect the overall assessment of your paper. Do not get used to writing the essay with the parenthetical identification as you have now. Just write smooth and continuous paragraphs without identifying marks. The examiner doesn't need that in his assessment of your work and neither do we as reviewers of your work. If you get used to this format of essay presentation, you may continue to do it in the actual test, which would be a very bad idea.

All of your paragraphs require more discussion presentation. Develop your line of reasoning by an additional one to two sentences so that you can create a cohesive and coherent paragraph. Don't forget the transition sentences at the end in order to smoothen the presentation from one paragraph of information to another. Do these minimal corrections to your work and yo should improve your scoring considerations as well. All of your topic sentences are good, the problem is in the discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / The variety genres of music - which kind is more important for us? [3]

Alifa, I believe you are self studying for the IELTS test which is my you ended up making every mistake in the book with your current presentation. The following elements are missing in your presentation, which makes this essay fail in the actual presentation. Always remember to provide:

Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase with discussion instruction
Par. 2 - First topic for discussion
Par. 3 - Second topics for discussion
Par. 4 - third topic for discussion
Par. 5 - Summary of your provided discussion.

None of these elements are properly presented in your extremely short essay discussion. Remember the basic format when you write your next essay. Make sure you write a minimum of 3 sentences but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph in order to maximized your possible score per band consideration.

Writing Feedback / DISCUSS ABOUT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. [2]

Sarah, it is difficult for me to review your work because you failed to provide me with the original prompt instructions for this essay. Even though you gave me the title of the topic, you did not properly paraphrase the opening paragraph with the inclusion of a discussion instruction which is why I cannot accurately assess the work that you did in this essay, Please remember to provide the original prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review here. That original prompt is of equal importance to your actual writing. The two go hand in hand in terms of reviewing and advising you regarding points for improvement. It appears to me that you forgot to present your opinion at the end of the opening statement. That should have kicked off the essay discussion because this is an opinion essay. It is difficult to assess the relevance of your discussion at this point so I will have to leave the review here. I will give you a better review with your next essay, provided you include the original prompt in your posting.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-it is my friends in college that made up my most important memories of the more grown-up stage [5]

@Asphodel the discussion approach that you took to this essay prompt is wrong. You need to present a solid opinion based on one of the two points of view presented. Note that the prompt indicates that you must "disagree or agree" with the given topic. There is no middle of the road. In your essay, you refused to take a particular side. You wrote the essay without an actual opinion that is based on the prompt requirement. Therefore, you did not follow the discussion instructions and will more than likely fail the test because of it.

You also did not properly write the thesis statement into the first paragraph. The thesis statement is always the last sentence in the first paragraph. You must never present that as a stand alone sentence because there is a specific sentence and paragraph requirement for the test. Altering that presentation affects your scoring considerations as well.

You tried your best to provide a response to the essay based on your point of view. Unfortunately, the discussion you presented is not what the topic instruction required. So I am not sure if you can pass the TOEFL test with such a large prompt deviation based on the instructions provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2 Topic-The positive or negative effects of Internet [3]

Annie, what is the actual prompt you are responding to? Your prompt presentation and your actual discussion are going off in two different directions. Keep in mind that when yo do not respond to the prompt in the manner instructed, you will automatically fail this test. You are also overloading your paragraphs with information. There is a 5 sentence limit per paragraph. Which means you can only discuss one topic per paragraph. The advised method of discussion helps the writer to avoid incoherence and under developed discussion points. Something that occurs in every paragraph that you wrote. Basically, you need to familiarize yourself with the correct format of IELTS task writing which is:

Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase
Par. 2 - First topic with supporting ideas and examples
Par. 3 - Second topic with supporting ideas and samples
Par. 4 - Third topic with the same requirements as the first two
Par. 5 - Summary of the previous discussion

Try to review the other IELTS topics presented in this forum. Learn the proper formatting styles and discussion presentations from their work. You should always try to review the work of others before you work on your own topic so that you will have a sample to go by that can help you avoid making score lowering mistakes in your own work.

Undergraduate / Analysis Essay on Death with Dignity Laws [2]

Jeff, this is a very good discussion of the "Death with Dignity " laws. The problem is that since you will be submitting this essay to your professor, the sources that you cite within the text require a proper citation based upon the writing format for the analysis essay. Without it, your statements come across as hearsay and, when run through a plagiarism checker, could return this paper with several plagiarisms due to the lack of sources, which could affect the validity of your paper and the grade it will receive.

Your opening statement is a bit confused with regards to addressing the number of people involved, you often use singular descriptions for plural forms. Don't forget to review, edit, and revise this essay for grammar and punctuation issues before you submit it. Overall, I cannot fault your discussion because it remained appropriate throughout the essay. However, the quotations and grammar issues do raise some concerns for me as this can affect the final grade of the paper.

Research Papers / Essay about analysis an online article on how use of social media relates to anxiety [2]

Jiaje, this is supposed to be an analytical essay, That means that your perspective of the information provided should be front and center in the presentation. However, this essay relies mostly on information taken from other sources to strengthen the presentation of the original author. There is a lack of personal analysis in the essay as the sources you chose to use are not connected to the original article that is being reviewed. These are independent articles that may support information from Blair, but does not share an analysis of Blair's essay. Therefore, you should try to insert paragraphs that contain your personal analysis of the article as well. While the information you provided in addition to the original article is acceptable, it does not provide a true analysis of the original article which is what this essay analysis should be all about. Use more of your personal analysis and less of the supporting information from other sources. That changes the essay from an analysis essay to a research essay.

Essays / Financial Need Scholarship Essay - how to start and make it sound appealing [5]

Shannon it appears to me that this is a scholarship that considers the family's ability to pay for at least a portion of the education of the student. Which is why they are asking for the financial circumstances of your family. The best approach to this essay would be to focus solely on that. Indicating the jobs of your parents, their separate and totaled income, household expenses, expenses for sibling education (if any) and how the current savings of the family stands. This prove their ability to not support or partially support your education. If the family has set aside some sort of educational fund for you, then you have to mention that in the essay as well. The scholarship program is obviously looking for true indigent students to award the scholarship to, which is why they require specific financial information from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 topic: individuals to provide environmental problems solution [6]

To, this essay will get a failing score because you did not discuss the essay in the same manner as instructed. Yo created your own discussion topic, which ran counter to the original prompt. You were asked to discuss both points of view and then give your personal opinion. You decided to discuss it as an extent essay based on a personal point of view instead. To be clear:

Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Your Discussion Instruction: I am strongly convinced that small efforts taken by individuals will make major changes in our planet.

The mistake in your approach to the essay discussion is as clear as day. Your totally discussion is not even tangential in response because you offered a discussion of only your point of view on a topic that is not asked for in the original prompt. As such, this will get a failing grade of 1 because your response is completely unrelated to the required task.

Research Papers / Review on the essay "Your Kids Phone is Not Like a Cigarette" in the New York Times by Anya Kamanetz [2]

Matt, for an article review of a New York Times article, there is almost no reference to the article itself nor a proper review coming from other connected sources and your personal opinion. The secondary author who agreed with Kamanetz needs to be quoted in direct relation to her approval of what was sain the previous article in order to prove that this second author is truly in agreement with the first author. The same goes for the psychguide reference. Where is the information that says it is directly connected with the previous article? There isn't any. So your review actually turns into a research paper that is focused on the topic of phone addiction rather than the review of the New York Times article. This makes the paper incorrect as a review of the article. You need to focus more on the original article in this "review" so that the focus of the information being discussed in relation to those that agree with the writer becomes more relevant. By the way, you need to show an opposing argument as well in order to provide a balance review of the article.

Writing Feedback / CBEST defeated by rejection - a situation that has a powerful impact on my personality [2]

Aida, please remember that we always need to have the original prompt instructions posted in the text box before you post your essay. I cannot review an essay when I do not know what the prompt requirements are. I cannot even tell if you are properly responding to the prompt or not. All I can see, if that you misspelled certain words such as "explaim" for explain, and you used a publicly known pep talk (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) which could have also been taken from a Kelly Clarkson song and thus, isn't original to your mother so it doesn't deliver the same impact as you believe it could have. The opening statement of the essay, that single line, is weak and does not really help to improve nor kick off your essay. If you had included the original instructions, I could have better guided you towards improving your work. Since you only get one free advice per thread, you just wasted one professional advice opportunity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Professional like doctors and teachers should be paid higher than other professionals [3]

Faisal, you need to always present a 5 paragraph essay in the task 2 test. That means, the presentation needs the following format:

1. Opening paraphrase
2. Reason 1
3. Reason 2
4. Example / supporting evidence
5. Summary conclusion

The mistake of your essay is that you tried to discuss various topics in limited paragraphs. Since each paragraph is limited to 5 sentences, with a 3 sentence minimum, that is impossible to do. That is why you are allowed 3 paragraphs within which you present your supporting discussion. When you present an essay such as this, you will be scored down for the missing paragraphs or, and this is where the most damage is done in the scoring, you will get a failing score for the C&C section due to the under developed reasoning and discussion presentations in your paragraphs. Multiple topics per paragraph always result in lower C&C and GRA scores. Always stick to one topic per paragraph in order to increase your scoring opportunities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as unemployment or homelees [3]

Victoria, your discussion poses a prompt deviation which will result in the failure of this essay in an actual test setting. It clear from the wrong opening paraphrase that you presented tha tyou did not understand what the topic for discussion is and how it was supposed to be discussed. Let me outline it for you below:

Original topic: government should take care of disadvantaged people
Discussion Instruction: Do you agree?

Your topic: people should receive help from the government
Your Discussion Instruction: I agree that disadvantaged people merit an opportunity to improve themselves as it will greatly benefit both individuals and society.

Do you see, based on the outline comparison, why your paper is not discussing the correct topic and the correct format? The mistake you made means that your TA score will be failing. Once the TA score fails, it will be highly difficult for you to get a passing score on the remaining criteria. Hence you will automatically fail the test.

Improve your English comprehension skills by doing comprehension exercises before you try to tackle writing essays for the IELTS Task 2 test. It is obvious that this is your weakest point and needs to be strengthened otherwise you won't stand a chance of passing the test.

Scholarship / Describe the problem/issue of society/business you want to solve in your community or organization [2]

Nnamso, the essay is not asking you to describe what skills you hope to develop and use in the future. The prompt is asking you to display current instances when you have displayed the abilities and skills that are indicated. How do you help in lowering the Nigerian unemployment rate at the moment? How does you leadership skill prevent the youth from joining Boko Haram at the moment? The data regarding the statistics is not all that is important to this essay. Your leadership, entrepreneurship, and social enterprise skills must also be displayed in its foundation or preliminary form as justification for your interest in and potential to complete the program. You will need to further develop this current essay. Or, you can just start writing a new one that shares the focus of the reader on the other elements indicated in the prompt so that the essay will be fully developed and informative in presentation.

Graduate / One page essay explaining interest to attend a professional workshop on modeling [3]

Shuting, in order to make this essay more interesting to the reviewer, you should focus less on what you hope to learn in class and concentrate instead, on explaining how you developed these questions that you hope to find answers to. By doing that, you will be able to narrate your research experiences and, more importantly, explain how you developed your research and laboratory skills, which as vital skills for an applicant to this program. What you hope to learn about need not be discussed in greater detail as the questions you posed, along with the method of the development of these questions, will already represent your academic objectives, as well as your research goals during your time as a workshop participant. I suggest that you write a new essay instead that better represents the areas of interest for the reviewer instead.

Writing Feedback / Is playing game just satisfied to our desire of entertainment? [3]

Ryan, you seem to be discussing at least 2 different essay types in this presentation, without really hitting a main point. I am saddened by the fact that you chose not to upload the complete instructions for the prompt along with your essay. I mean the original prompt requirement, because that would have helped me to better understand and analyze the mistakes that you made in the essay. As it is, I cannot figure out what actual discussion format you were supposed to use. Was it an agree or disagree essay or an advantage / disadvantage essay? Each essay has a different discussion approach that cannot be combined into one presentation. Even if you were to submit the original prompt now, I would no longer able to come back to advice you. So don't bother doing that. Just post a new essay and this time, remember to include the original prompt so that a proper assessment and applicable advice can be given to you.

Writing Feedback / Effect of celebrity' coverage on media on children [2]

Hoàng, there is a clear lack of prompt instruction understanding your presentation. This has led to only a partial correct response of your response in the essay. The main element for the discussion, the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the given statement is not indicated in the essay. Let me show you where the mistake lies:

Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: I have convinced myself that it contributes to negative impacts on children

Do you see how irrelevant your response is to the question being asked? You provided justifiable reasons for the negative impact, but failed to indicate the extent of the impact. Hence, a very low score for your TA part of the scoring. Since you did not appropriately paraphrase nor represent the discussion instruction in your essay, you will not receive a passing TA score, which, based on the improper paragraph presentations in your essay will not be enough to pull up your score to a passing one using only the remaining LR. C&C, and GRA scores.

In order to better understand how to improve your score, you must first understand the various opinion discussions required for the IELTS Task 2 test. Use the samples available at this forum and learn from their mistakes and advice given to them. The best way for you to learn is by example. So read, learn, and apply the information you will be accumulating from the work of others to your future work. You should get better in your writing and presentation skills in no time.

Writing Feedback / Success is a matter of luck - Essay [3]

Abdallah, this is a very convincing essay. Your opinions are based on enough personal observations and popular references for it to be considered a valid presentation of your point of view. There are only 2 problems that I see with this essay and it has to do with the formatting. For starters, remember that all the essays you are writing are academic in nature. Being academic, these are considered to be conversational instead of sensationalist in approach. The use of an exclamation point is non-academic in nature. It is a written form of shouting at the reader. It is not considered a form of academic emphasis which could be done in other ways such as choosing more serious words to connote your emotions and beliefs. If this paper is presented to a professor or examiner, this will show that you are not familiar with academic writing protocol and affect your grade. Next, you need to keep a uniform minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph presentation. That is the academic minimum for paragraph development. When enrolled in an academy, you do not have a sentence maximum per paragraph as it is divided by topic. For an academic English test though, limit yourself to a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph as there is a time limit involved.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ONE - The percentage of Australian's citizen did some activities [4]

Yoga, while you did write more than the minimum 150 words, I feel that you neglected to fully develop the report analysis based upon the bar graph information because all 4 of your reporting paragraphs only have 2 sentences each. This clearly indicates that you did not bother to fully analyze, compare, and develop logical explanations based upon the obvious relationships between the presented percentages. There is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph with a maximum of 5. If you write less than that per paragraph, your essay will automatically be deemed under developed and end up being scored low on the C&C scale. This could, in turn, affect your GRA presentation because you will not have written enough words to string together and develop a mix of simple to complex sentences in your presentation. So the essay will probably not get a passing score or, even if it does, it will be a barely passing score, which will not be good for your university application consideration based on the results of your international exam.

Graduate / My dream to study abroad in Japan after high school graduation [3]

Edward, this is a throw away essay. What that means is that the reviewer will read this essay, discover that it is saying a lot of things, but not really responding to the prompt instructions and therefore, can be discarded and your application rejected on the basis of a wrongly developed prompt response. The prompt is asking for your reasons and purpose for your study in Japan. Your previous visit to Japan as a child is irrelevant. That did not leave you with any educational experience that would have affected your current decision. The reason, must be academic in nature and the purpose, must have some sort of career objective in mind. Focus on the course you have chosen to study in Japan. Then ask yourself, why did I choose to study in Japan? Specifically, why this university? What do I hope to achieve professionally after my studies (purpose). Answer those simple questions in at least 2 paragraphs and your new and improved essay response will be ready. Do not use this version. Write a new one after you finish pondering on the guide questions I provided here.

Scholarship / Personal statement Science and technology for development - COMMONWEALTH SHARED SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Sophia, this otherwise strong personal statement is marred only by an exaggerated opening paragraph on your part. The reviewers tend to disbelieve any applicant who claims to have made a career based decision during childhood. That is because a childhood interest in a topic does not always translate into an adult career. Therefore, starting that you developed this interest in primary school, though acceptable becomes laughable to the reviewer when you state you made such an important life decision as a child. A child does not have life decision making skills yet. Hence, the reviewer will think you are joking and not take your claims seriously all throughout the essay anymore. Revise the beginning of the essay to be less of a "child dream" and more of a "teenage dream" to make it more believable. The rest of the essay applies itself properly to the prompt expectations and does not need altering as far as I am concerned. If you wish to strengthen this personal statement further, tehn indicate your chosen university and why you opted to seek admission to that university.

Scholarship / UK' CSC AND NIGERIA - HOW YOUR STUDY RELATES TO DEVELOPMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY? [3]

Your first paragraph is out of place. Don't give the reviewer a historical lecture. He doesn't have the time for that. Give a more definitive idea behind Nigeria 2020 in the second paragraph by explaining how you hope to make a contribution to that program (a possible study plan) during your studies and thereafter. Focus more on explaining what skills and training you hope to use as a member of the National Planning Commission. The prompt asks you to present a clear idea for the project, its implementation guidelines, and success measurement based upon a typical beneficiary of your study. These particular sections are barely touch upon in your current version. So this essay needs to be deleted and you will have to write a new essay that is more aligned with the prompt requirements. Take your time. Outline your responses first and make sure you are extensively explaining the requirements in a manner that will impress the reviewer. Right now, this essay looks more like a horribly drafted brainstorming list.

Scholarship / Australia Awards 2018 Supporting Statement - proposed course and institution choice [2]

Laksmi, you have to write a totally new essay. In the new essay, just answer the question posed before you. Explain in greater detail about the personal and professional reasons that you chose to focus on Early Childhood Education. Specifically, focus on the reasons why you chose this masters degree course. The prompt is not asking for your decision to study your college degree. That is irrelevant. The proposed course is the masters course you wish to attend as a scholar and the institution is the Australian university that focuses on the course of your choice and the reasons for your choice based upon your learning expectations and professional improvement goals. The current essay that you wrote doesn't really highlight these discussions, which are more important than the background of your college course. You seem to have misunderstood the prompt which is why you were not able to draft a more proper first version essay.

Writing Feedback / The only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement. [4]

Liu, the mistakes in your essay are highly evident to the trained eye. The mistakes that you made will actually pull down the score of the essay to the point where it may be questionable as to whether the presentation will pass the scoring criteria or not. I believe that you need to familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing a Task 2 essay in order to improve because the main cause for your failure in this essay is that you did not properly discuss the prompt provided.

For starters, you did not properly restate the original prompt in your own words as expected. The first sentence of the opening paragraph needs to show that you understand what the discussion topic is about. The sentence after that, is the reason for the discussion. After that, is the discussion instruction that includes the thesis statement coming from your understanding of the prompt.

Rather than presenting the essay in the required manner for the TA section that is scored in the first paragraph, you dove directly into a discussion of the actual topic. That is a big violation of the opening paraphrase requirement and could garner you a failing TA score, which means you will not have much of a chance of passing the actual test. The proper presentation is as follows:

There is a belief that home trash does not get recycled because most people do not bother to recycle. That is why there is an opinion that in order to force homes to recycle more, the government should issue an order making recycling a legal requirement. I strongly agree with this statement for a number of reasons.

Based upon the response that you wrote, this should have been a single opinion presentation. Had you instead indicated that "I partially agree with this statement..." then you could have used a double point of view discussion for the essay.

By the way, the task 2 essay is always a 5 paragraph essay. Only the task 1 essay can come in at 4 paragraphs. Even if you wrote more than 250 words, if your discussions are not fully developed, as your paragraphs tend to be, then your C&C as well as GRA scores will also be affected negatively. So the final score will not be good for this essay at all.

Writing Feedback / CBEST. Television encourage or discourage learning - or does it do both depends on circumstances? [5]

Aida, I can sense that you are very sensitive about your grasp of the English language. Please don't be like that. We are not here to laugh at you nor judge you. However, if you are so hyper sensitive that we cannot even point out your mistakes in order to help you improve, then you should not have come here to begin with. We are going to point out your mistakes in a helpful manner. If you take it as otherwise, then how do you expect to improve before you take the test?

For example, when I point out to you that your English vocabulary is weak because you do not understand that "taught" means "to teach" and "thought" means "to think", would you be offended and think I am making fun of you? My apologies but that is not my intention. It is however, my intention to point out the weakness of your English vocabulary usage so take that observation as you will.

In addition to that, will you angry because I am going to say that this essay will not score higher than a 2 because of the scattered line of thinking, uneven defense of your reasons, and simplistic presentation? Again, don't be hyper sensitive, that is the truth about your writing and that is how it will be graded by the actual examiner. We are here to present you with your points for improvement. However, if you are too sensitive about being ESL, then you may find it difficult to improve even though we wish to help you do that.

Writing Feedback / "One More Chance" ...on topic flow, shifting topic to topic, what to discuss in closing? [3]

Lindsay, I feel like this paper is trying to overwhelm me with information. There are so many source indicated in this essay covering many aspects of governance on a local and national level, as well as information regarding the Opioid epidemic coming out of various states. It becomes extremely difficult to keep track of the information and as such, makes it quite confusing to read. It would be best if you tried to limit the presentation to one level of governance, say the national level, so that the rulings and methods of control and combat will be easier to focus on of the reader. Try to limit your state references as well. In most research papers such as these, a focus on a specific state and its information regarding the epidemic becomes more relevant and applicable to the discussion. If you try to present too much information, you, as the writer, will lose sight of the original thesis of this paper, as you tended to do throughout. Try to present only a few but highly relevant discussions and control the presentation from there for clarity purposes.