Scholarship / KGSP - this scholarship will play a big part of my plan to reach my goal in life [3]

Karina, aside from your reason for wanting to study in Korea, a major part of the essay is non-prompt compliant. Here is a tip, never write a prompt specific essay when you should be sleeping. The tendency will be for you to write in a cloudy state of mind and, you will also be more prone to just go on and on in your writing, completely forgetting that there are specific questions to be responded to in the essay that you are developing. That is what happened in this essay and that is the reason why you have to write a new essay. This time, write the essay when you have a clear head and are able to fully comprehend the information that the prompts require you to discuss in the essay. That way you don't focus on just the one question your cloudy brain remembers. At this point, the essay that you wrote is not usable because of the immense amount of missing information. Read the prompts, make sure you respond in paragraph form to each one, then connect the paragraphs into a seamless essay. Hopefully you will find that you stayed on topic this time and discussed only the relevant information as required by the prompts given to you.

Undergraduate / Yale Young Global Scholars - Essay titled "The Cry For Justice" [4]

Bernard, you have chosen a compelling case to present for your interest in law. The case truly contains factors that could help shape and influence you. However, your motivation to become a lawyer needs to be a collection of various injustices, not just one case in particular. Each case that gained your interest should relate to a more serious criminal law that was violated and yet, the guilty party got away with what you believe to be a slap on the wrist. That way, the influence of these cases on your person will truly amount to someone who would eventually try to become a crusader for justice. At the moment, this singular case doesn't really accomplish that. Think about it, there are other people of the same age as you who was influenced in mindset by the Vaughn case, but not all of them turned to a life of justice. That is because this single case is not unique. Manslaughter cases based on driving under the influence is more common than you think.

No, a unique, singular case that could influence you to become a justice warrior is something like the Laci Peterson case or a murder case wherein the criminal mind development of the perpetrator is evident and truly compelling enough to make you want to become a lawyer just to put guys like that in the death chamber. Try to come up with one or two more similar profile cases from your country within the past 5 years. Then work those into the essay so that you can better develop your interest, factors, and legal character shaping mindset on your end.

Scholarship / Scholarship - Good health and well-being / Master's programme in Sweden [3]

Nahla, the research by the GHO should be the opening statement of your motivational paragraph. After you present that information, the story about your observation as a clinical dietitian will make more sense. Try to insert a statement about how the information motivated your desire to bring changes to this field, specifically under goal 3. Describe in simple terms how you were affected by this observation and how it has affected the way that you work, hence your motivation for advanced studies in this area of concern.

As for question 2, the first sentence is a throwaway. It is not necessary. Neither is the information from the GHO from 2015. The statement is asking you for your solid plans of action upon your return to Lebanon. These are not the "I will learn" but instead, your statement should be all about "I will do" under a specific department and capacity. That is how you prove that your line of study will have a direct applicability to the health situation in Lebanon upon your return.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writting Part 2: In many city, the population is increasing... [3]

Trang, The aim of the IELTS Task 2 essay is not to impress the examiner with your knowledge of English words, which by the way, you are not using properly in this essay but are only saying the words in the hopes of impressing the examiner. The aim of the essay is to prove that you have the ability to think logically in English and also, write coherently in the same language. Coherence means that the person reading your essay can understand what you have to say in one quick pass of the paragraphs you have written. The highest achievement you can have with your Task 2 essay is to have the reader process your essay without any "stressful" encounters with your sentences and paragraphs.

When writing the Task 2 essay, the best thing to remember is to "KISS" it. Keep It Short Silly !" Stay within the 250 word minimum requirement, use short sentences that actually say something without being as verbose as you are now ( most of your sentences will fail in terms of coherence and cohesiveness because of it), and focus on simply explaining yourself efficiently in each paragraph. Don't fall below the 3 sentence minimum, but don't go over the 5 sentence maximum per paragraph either. Always produce 5 paragraphs composed of the following:

1. Introduction
2. Body 1
3. Body 2
4. Body 3
5. Concluding summary

Bear in mind that the opening statement and the concluding summary are used to score you on your task accuracy skills. When you do not properly restate the prompt based on information presented, when you are so concentrated on focusing on your lexical resource skills, that you forget to focus on the discussion itself, as you were prone to in this essay, then you ultimately fail the test. I cannot stress the following enough because this is the most common problem with the Task 2 essay test takers:

1. Do not discuss more than one idea per paragraph in order to avoid under developed, little explained, and run-on sentences for which major points are deducted in relevant criteria considerations;

2. Always summarize the concluding paragraph using aforementioned information, a prompt restatement, and other data worth summarizing within 5 sentences. Do not go all wordy in the paragraph, presenting new and additional information. That leaves your essay without a conclusion and rather, creates an open ended presentation of the discussion for which points will also be deducted.

Writing Feedback / Solve traffic and transportation problems by moving people to city side [3]

thilini, there is an improvement in your presentation. I can see that you now understand how to approach an "extent" opinion essay. However, you have several grammar errors in this presentation that shows a lack of grammar and sentence development in your essay. You will be scored down for the improper grammar presentation of your sentences. The first way to avoid this problem is to avoid using run on sentences separated either by commas or semicolons. Instead, aim to write short and separate sentences in the paragraph. Writing no more than 5 sentences at the most will maximize your GRA scoring opportunities. The second problem, relating to your sentence structure and use of connecting words, can be resolved by having you pass these practice tests through an online grammar checker before you submit it for review in the forum. The grammar checker will help you spot the mistakes and offer corrections that you should remember for your upcoming practice tests. This procedure should help you improve your written sentence formation prior to the actual test. However, since you will not have the grammar checker with you on the actual test date, you should make sure to remember your points for correction during practice so that you don't make the same mistakes during the actual test.

Additionally, you must also write a total of 5 paragraphs in your Task 2 presentation in order to fully utilize your scoring considerations in all 4 criteria. It will also give you an opportunity to better indicate your English comprehension and writing skills because you will be expressing more of yourself in English. Remember, it not about writing more words though, but explaining more about your understanding of the essay prompt in simple terms. Even if you write more words, but you do not properly develop your topic discussion, then it will be useless. Do not write more than 250 words so that you will have time to edit your work before submission.

Undergraduate / Waterloo AIF - Goals and interests in the Global Business and Digital Arts [3]

Joshua, in the first question, remove the reference to "attorney, though". Use a period after attorney and then begin the next sentence with "I believe a good undergraduate...". When you have the word "though" separated by a comma from a previous thought, you are indicating an oppositional statement is coming up. You did not make an opposing statement in the continued discussion therefore, "though" should not be in the sentence. Also, avoid saying "will help" or "would allow" but rather indicate an affirmative voice such as "shall develop" and "allows me to" instead. Talk in present tense formation because this is what you know you want to experience and say.

For the second question, since you are being encouraged to discuss the discussions you have had with current and past Waterloo students, you should definitely mention the full names of your friends and cousins who attend Waterloo so that they may serve as a reference of some sort in your response. Make sure to highlight what they say is positive about Waterloo and the unique experience and perspective that you develop as a student in the school.

Scholarship / "I like your car" - Personal Statement for KGSP application Undergraduate to study Design [5]

Williams, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt. You were not asked to choose 2 related questions to respond to in your essay. You were asked to respond to all the provided questions in a related manner. Your essay chose to focus on just 2 points from the prompt. While it was a mistake on your part, you still did something good so to speak because you at least, don't have to write a response to those two questions anymore in your revised essay. What you have to do now is focus on choosing the most salient points of this current essay that reflects the two points you chose to discuss and set it aside. Then write a new essay that addresses the remaining prompt, inserting the sections I asked you to keep from this version of the essay at relevant points in the revised essay. That way, you will create a more prompt responsive essay that fully utilizes the prompt requirements in a manner that helps to enhance your written interview. Present the necessary and currently missing information in the manner outlined by the prompt in order to make sure that you don't miss out on responding to an important element again. It will also help you organize the essay in a smoother, more understandable and connected format.

Scholarship / We are the product of both our efforts and our failures. NTU scholarship essay [4]

Joo, your response is off topic. Failure is not a belief or value system. Failure is a personal point of view. However, failure in relation to a character building opportunity, as as your not being able to attend the school that you hoped to, creates a value and belief system in the presentation. So, you don't really have to write a totally new essay for this prompt. Instead, you should revise the essay to include the keywords throughout in order to help resolve the seeming disconnection between failure, value and belief. For example, I could say that :

I believe that failure is the mother of opportunity. By failing to accomplish something, I realized that I had to believe that I would eventually succeed and when I do succeed, it is going to be a notable accomplishment. There was actually an event in my life that would help to illustrate how I believed that my failure in life helped me learn the value of success.

By properly framing your opening statement, you can actually use this essay information. You will just need to revise the content to be more reflective of the prompt requirement though.

Writing Feedback / Advertising confuses consumers between what they need and what they want [2]

Mai, the score for this essay will be a 4 due to the way that your discussion was partially diverging from the given discussion assignment. This is an emotional opinion essay as indicated by the following instruction:

To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Review your prompt paraphrase and you will notice that you did not deliver an extent response. Instead, you provided the following as your prompt instruction restatement:

As far as I concern, consumers usually buy more than they need due to advertising effects.

This response on your end created a prompt diversion. You created your own thesis statement to discuss rather than discussing the essay based upon the required opinion extent reaction. Therefore, your response, based upon what I read in the short body of paragraphs came across as only partially correct. While your reasoning is applicable, it is also very little developed.

You are focusing too much on delivering several pieces of sectional information per paragraph within the essay instead of developing your reasoning. Proving that you are able to provide understandable reasons for your opinions is the whole point of your essay. You could have just one reason, developed over 3 paragraphs in explanation and come across with a high scoring essay. It is not the number of reasons but the quality of the reason's defense that matters in this essay. In that instance, you fell extremely short of that requirement so your TA and C&C scoring considerations will be devalued greatly in the final score.

Another reason for the failure of this essay, aside from improper punctuation use (you have two successive commas when only one is required), is the lack of a concluding statement. You have an opening statement, 3 body paragraphs, but no summation to indicate the end of the discussion, creating a 5 paragraph essay. It is based upon these reasons that I do not believe this is the type of work that can get a score higher than what I indicated above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 People's opinions differ as to whether or not an information should be shared freely. [4]

Nana, I will congratulate you on writing more than the required 250 words for this essay. However, I will call your attention to a number of writing violations that you committed in this essay. The first, is that you did not appropriately represent a prompt restatement in the opening paragraph. It is also under the sentence requirement of 3-5 sentences. Since you failed to include the original prompt in this posting, I will be unable to show you how to correct this mistake.

Based on the sentence requirement of the essay, you also should not have more than 5 sentences per paragraph. You should be presenting only one fully explained reason in each of the 3 body paragraphs. Due to your presentation of a number of reasons per paragraph, you did not really develop the explanation of the essay in as much as you simply listed your discussion points. This created a problem with the coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. As such, you would have gotten a low score immediately in 2 of the 4 scoring sections. Specifically, the TA and C&C sections.

Based on the final sentence of your essay, you were supposed to discuss the drawbacks of the given discussion point. However, that was not the discussion reflected in your earlier statements. These are the reasons why this essay will most likely not garner a score higher than a 3.

Writing Feedback / Should mathematics and philosophy be optional in schools? [3]

thilini, you are still not familiar with the various types of responses meant for the Task 2 essay. You turned an ordinary opinion essay into an emotional essay. Again, you will lose major points for misrepresenting the prompt requirement in the discussion. You also veered too far away from a proper paraphrase of the original prompt. The first paragraph must always contain the following information.

1. A topic restatement based on your own understanding
2. The reason for the discussion in your own words
3. Your thesis statement

Let me give you an example based upon the prompt for this topic:

Academic learners are often challenged by the concepts of Math and Philosophy. Since not all students excel in these fields of education, there is a suggestion that these two subjects should be discretionary in schools. I do not agree with this statement for several reasons.

The opening statement should always reflect the original prompt information and an appropriate thesis statement because this paragraph is testing your English comprehension skills. The comprehension skills are scored based on the accuracy of your prompt restatement and accurate thesis statement. What I presented above is an example of an appropriately formatted restatement. Under no circumstances should you start your discussion in this paragraph due to the 5 sentence maximum rule per paragraph. There is never enough room in the opening statement for a full discussion of your reasons if you write the opening statement in the proper manner.

Not all the essays will be extent of opinion essays. So you should never rely on only one presentation for your thesis statement. Review the numerous Task 2 essays in this forum in order to familiarize yourself with the various Task 2 thesis presentations. That way, you will learn how to properly present the required thesis statements in your succeeding practice tests. In this instance, the mistake in your thesis statement created a tangential response yet again.

Your paragraphs need to have a consistent sentence number presentation. The proper format for the Task 2 essay is 5 paragraphs containing anywhere from 3-5 sentence each. Each paragraph needs to have the following information represented:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning 1
3. Supporting explanation 1
4. Supporting explanation 2 (optional)
5. Example sentence

Now, unless the prompt asks you to "discuss both points of view and offer your opinion", you should not refer to the other side of the discussion at all in the opinion essay. Only the side that you support must be discussed. It should not even be used as a topic sentence as part of the introduction to your personal opinion. Your personal opinion must be immediately presented in the personal opinion paragraph.

The concluding paragraph should also be within 3-5 sentences. This time, you need to represent the following:

1. A new representation of the discussion topic
2. The thesis statement that you proposed at the start in a new manner
3. A summation of the given discussion using the topic sentences from the body of paragraphs
4. A restatement of your opinion
5. A closing sentence

I have detailed the proper representation of each required section of a Task 2 essay for you. I hope to see you applying these information in your next practice test in order to correct your errors and improve your score. In the meantime, build upon your English vocabulary as it is only a beginner level at this point and most importantly, familiarize yourself with the various Task 2 essay formats. Your biggest scoring hurdles at the moment are the TA and GRA sections.

Undergraduate / Choose one of the communities to which you belong, describe that community and your place within it [3]

Fshaikh, you did not answer your own question in this essay; "Why the hell am I here?" By answering that question, you would have been able to accurately define your place as a member of this gym community. By neglecting to respond to it, all I learned about what the composition of the community and some information on one of the members. That is a far cry from the actual reason you were asked to write this essay. I know that these essays are word constrained so you may need to revise the total presentation of your work in order to properly explain your role in this community. How do you see yourself? As an adviser? An older brother to the younger members? Surely you are more than just a "spotter". Like you said, you are a family. Describe your role in the family and how you have influenced the members of your community beyond advice regarding their workout. Justify the concept of family as you claim the gym to be in your response. Lessen the description of the gym and focus more on the people, the interactions, and other activities in relation to you. By the way, as an academically written essay, it may be best if you do not swear in the essay in order to show proper respect to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / It is better to find and install alternative energy sources rather than increasing the fuel prices [3]

thilini, your score for this essay will be a 3. That score is based on your inability to address any part of the task in a proper manner. The biggest inability on your part, was your misunderstanding of the prompt discussion instruction. Your lack of understanding of what type of discussion you were being asked to present led you to discuss a totally different topic from the one originally provided. If you look at the following, you will clearly see where your mistake lies and how you made the mistake:

Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion Response: ... from my point of view, incrementing the fuel price would not be the most practical solution to control the pollution in the prevailing situation of the industrial world.

This is an extent of an opinion essay which requires the emotional response using the descriptive words such as "strongly, partially, and empathically" among other emotional terms that could be used to describe the extent of an agreement or disagreement. In your response, you merely stated your opinion without choosing a side to represent in a strong manner.

Your full essay discussion does not display a proper discussion in reference to the prompt. That is why your TA score will be a 3 and the overall score for your essay will also fall within the same bracket. You cannot be scored higher for this essay because you did not stick to the original instructions you were given. A prompt deviation such as yours will always have dire consequences if done on the actual test day.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Why go to a university - reasons for education [3]

Qin, I am afraid that because you wrote more than 300 words, that you are not leaving yourself with enough time to truly write a meaningful essay for scoring considerations. You will already get a chance to gain the maximum possible score for a 300 word essay within 15-20 minutes. You need to make sure that you leave enough time for you to review your essay. It is more important to write a clear and understandable essay than it is to write a extremely long and wordy essay. Wordiness has drawbacks in terms of keeping the focus of your essay on topic. Sometimes, in an effort to prove the extent of your English vocabulary, you end up just typing for the heck of it, regardless of the relevance of the words you are using in terms of the given discussion. That is vocabulary trap you can avoid if you focus on writing up to 300 words only.

Your essay is well developed. I will admit that the grammar needs work in some sections so running this essay through an online proofreader should help you learn how to address the word usage issues in your essay. Overall, it is a strong discussion that follows a logical thought process. You can improve the transition sentences to include keywords that would help describe the topic of the next discussion. For example, "... job skills by yourself. The presence of friends, other students and teachers help prepare a person for an office interactive environment."

Save for these concerns, I would say with confidence that you have a very good chance of getting a higher than average score in your TOEFL test. Keep practicing and good luck!

Writing Feedback / If you are required to obtain a second specialty, what specialty would you like to study and why? [3]

Mia, consider that you are applying for a job and you are seen to be less skilled than possible in this area. Would you be willing to be instructed by your potential employer to study a second, related skill? If yes, then what skill would that be, hypothetically speaking? Present the information terms of responding to a job interview. How will a Public Relations degree help you perform your task better? Indicate your original undergraduate degree and then explain the relationship between the two. Focus on how a secondary speciality will make you more employable in the future.

You should have indicated the keywords from the original prompt in your response. It should have indicated that "If required to, I would consider Public Relations as my second specialty." In addition to that presentation mistake, the essay also has a serious flaw in its pronoun presentation. Since this is a personal discussion narrative, the first person singular pronouns such as "I, me, and myself" should have been used. We is a plural first person plural pronoun so it should not be used at all in your response. These are the mistakes that marred your otherwise acceptable essay presentation. Please make sure you use the correct pronoun presentation and also, include some keywords from the original prompt in your succeeding tests in order to improve your discussion presentation skills.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay writing on my best academic and extracurricular accomplishments [4]

Ahmad, for starters, you should be more direct to the point in this essay. The prompt requires you to only have 2 paragraphs at the most as a response to each individual prompt section. That's one paragraph each for academic accomplishments and extracurricular accomplishments. Was there ever a time when you were recognized academically during high school? If yes, then detail what sorts of grades you got and when you gained that academic achievement. The high school recognition is more important going into college than something that happened when you were in grade 5 which was not really a narrative of an academic accomplishment on your part. Sure you were an A+ student, but were you a straight A+ student? Or was it only in selective classes? What was your real GPA and did it merit an academic honor from your school?

As for the extra curricular activity, you don't have any indicated in this essay. You need to discuss something that qualifies as an extracurricular activity. It could be a sport you engage in, an organization you belong to, a volunteer activity, or anything that you do after school as part of your membership in your community. Right now, you essay does not indicate any activity of the sort as required by the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Over packaged products and its implications PTE [3]

Peter, you seem to have gotten a bit confused in your opening statement. You were unclear about simply having a package wrapped in recyclable materials as opposed to packages overwrapped for consumers. If you review the original prompt, there was no indication that the packages being mentioned were in recyclable wrapping. Yet your essay is solely focused on recycled, overwrapped products. You changed the prompt for the discussion. Since the focus of your essay is more on recycled products being overwrapped instead of simply overwrapped products, your answer will be considered selective in discussion topic and response. That means, you will get a lower than average score because of a certain degree of prompt deviation on your part.

An example of an overwrapped product are athletic shoes. Consider how the item is wrapped. There is shrink plastic wrapping the box. The box is then shielded with clear paper on top. The shoes (in some instances) are inside a reusable bag inside the box. When you take the shoes out of the bag, the shoes itself are even contained in shape retaining holders then the shoes are filled with contouring cardboards in order to keep the shape of the foot opening. That is an example of an overwrapped product. Sure the materials used are recyclable, that isn't the issue. The is the fact that before you can even get to the actual product, you have to go through way too much packaging which, as you said is not environmentally friendly.

Now, consider the case of fresh eggs. Eggs are not impact resistant and break if you even so much as place something heavy on top of the egg holder. Yet the eggs are only packaged in either plastic or cardboard containers that do very little to protect it. Shouldn't the producer bear responsibility for the packaging of this breakable item? The shoes aren't going to break and yet it is overprotected in packing. The egg, which breaks easily and has an important function in the sustenance of man, is given inferior packaging. Do you see where I am headed at here? Yes. You misunderstood the prompt to a certain degree.

Consider the types of products sold in overwrapped packaging. Do you believe that all these products should be overwrapped? Maybe some do not need to be that wrapped as in the case of the shoes. You did not take the time to consider all types of packaging considerations for this direct question essay. That is why your answer is selective. Your response in this essay should have been comparative in nature.

Undergraduate / Previous academic experiences and explanation for desire to transfer to Maryland [4]

yisak, I believe that the essay is not balanced. You have 300 words for this essay so device a way to distribute the words throughout the required prompt responses. You must accurately describe what was good about Baltimore City Community College, what classes you excelled in and how far you feel the college has taken you closer to achieving your dream profession. After that, you need to be specific, also within 100 words regarding what the personal reason was that made you fail achieve certain academic considerations. Also explain why you had to take extra classes during the summer. As for your reasons for transferring, don't say you got the information from the website. Instead, do some research and look into the specific program names for internship and research that attracted you to the university. Then explain how those fit into your academic goals. Your essay doesn't really come across as effective because of the lack of necessary information. It would be better if you write a new essay that uses my suggestions as a guideline for your response instead. Write the essay in long form first then slowly edit the content until you have an accurate essay of 300 words or less written. You will find that the essay will become more relevant in content and also offer you an opportunity to create an interesting, to the point response which the reviewer will appreciate.

Undergraduate / A new flyover. Common App Essay - Undergrad Transfer [2]

Fahad, paragraph 4 which deals with your criteria for choosing a university is misplaced in this essay. After all, the prompt is specific to the reasons for your transfer and your goals. There is no reference to the criteria or reasons that you chose a particular university, which is what that paragraph deals with. Remove that paragraph and fully develop your next few paragraphs in a manner that reflects you academic and career goals instead. That is the aim of the prompt you were provided. Your essay is pretty strong in relation to the reasons why you wish to transfer. It is engaging and offers a clear idea as to your mindset with regards to your personal educational considerations. It only weakens in response to your goals. So that is what you should focus on developing instead. Use the goals to justify your reason(s) for wishing to transfer from one school to another. Be specific with your goals. Expand the explanation if need be. Just make sure that is clearly shows the reasons why your previous university can no longer help you achieve the academic and professional goals you have set for yourself.

Undergraduate / Study Plan for Undergraduate Dance major : I Found My Dream [5]

Kiani, remove the motto at the start of the essay. The most common mistake that the applicants these days make is that they opt to use a quote to describe their life instead of actually informing the reviewer about it. You should start with the paragraph about your parents both being architects. Don't use abbreviations for the description. Use the actual term because you are writing an academic essay and using spelling shortcuts is considered disrespectful. I do not really see how your parents influenced your love for dance in the discussion.

Rather than saying that you have loved dance since childhood, show the development of that interest through the encouragement of your parents. Avoid using the term childhood because that is very vague. Just say that your parents enrolled you in dance school when you came of age to learn the rudiments of dance. Say that they did that in order to encourage your love for the arts.

Do not mention that you stopped dancing in order to focus on your national exam. The subjects that you excelled in based on the exam do not have anything to do with the arts or dance so it is irrelevant to the presentation. Focus instead on developing the competitions you joined and how demanding your training was and what sacrifices you had to make but it was all worth it because you excelled in this field and you were always determined that this would be your career. Never give an inclination that you had a period of doubt because the reviewer may wonder if you are truly invested in taking this course and completing it. Never leave room for question, always be determined, steadfast, and consistent in your declaration that you are going to be dancing for the rest of your professional life.

Your discussion regarding your choice of university is not as convincing as your reason for studying in Korea. You need to do more research about the university and discuss specific reasons to justify your decision. Right now, it is too generalized in reference and does not really offer an insight into your basis or criteria for choosing your university.

Since you already took the TOPIK test and passed it, you are a shoo-in for the scholarship. You have the major qualification to do directly to your study proper, you already know how to write, speak, and understand Korean. While your Hangul may be good, your English is faulty. Don't start a sentence with "Because" as that is a connecting word and is never used to start a sentence since there are no thoughts or topics to connect in that instance. In fact, you would do well to pass this essay through either an online grammar checker or Word 2016 so that the consistent grammatical flaws may be corrected.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan - Improving ride quality of high-speed trains [3]

JEAN only paragraph 3 is worth using in your revised essay because it contains your thesis statement. That should be the opening paragraph of your new essay. The KGSP goal of study and study plan contain highly specific information that need to be considered for review. After you effectively present your thesis statement and yes, paragraph 3 needs to be revised in order to be more specific about that aspect, you then need to present the methodology for your research in Korea. Specifically how the Korean university can help you advance your research in this field. Detail the reasons why you will need to work closely with the Korean railway system in line with your research and any other research aspects that will require university assistance to accomplish. After that, detail how long you plan to stay in Korea, testing your railway project before finally returning to your home country for the full implementation of your completed goal of study. This essay should be presented in the form of a thesis proposal. You may refer to the various study plan samples for the KGSP program for further reference and samples for formatting and presentation.

Undergraduate / Dental hygiene application essay brainstorming [3]

Daniella let me apologize in advance for bursting your bubble. You have not told me anything that represents a special ability that you possess which would translate into making you an asset as a Dental Hygienist. What you related in this brainstorm is information that belongs to the personal statement. There are no special abilities being discussed that can illustrate a prompt response from your narration. A special ability, in reference to the prompt could be, for example, a love for the arts. Sculpting, in particular would be an extremely useful ability as a dental hygienist is often tasked with creating the study casts of mouths and mouthguards. A keen observational skill would also be an asset because the dental hygienist is the go to person for oral cavity inspections, specifically of the cancerous kind. A gift in math is also a special ability that would make you an asset in this profession because of the math involved in radiographs. These are some of the skills that the reviewer will be looking for in your essay. He is not looking for a story about a personal journey. As per the prompt requirements, he is looking for reasons to believe that you have some sort of foundational skills that will allow you perform the tasks you would be asked to do on the job.

Scholarship / NTU SCHOLARSHIP, MY VALUES I Hold Strongly To - plus examples [2]

Patricio, please stop mentioning the scholarship in every instance of your essay responses. You will irritate the reviewer and weaken your application. You are already applying for the scholarship. Leave it at that and do not mention it in any essay unless you are explicitly instructed to do so by the prompt. Anyway, this essay does not respond correctly to the prompt so you can't use any of the information you provided here. You have to write a new essay that focuses on one belief and one value system that you adhere to. For example:

I believe in the value of opportunity and the importance that it holds in the future of a person. My parents have been constantly offering me the opportunity to better my future by affording my education even though we are not financially well placed. That is why I have used the opportunity to show that their sacrifice is not wasted by doing my best academically. I have consistently taken the opportunity to earn academic awards and recognitions....

Notice how there is a veiled reference to the scholarship without actually mentioning it? That is how you should be framing your hope of getting the scholarship.

You can combine your beliefs and values into one descriptive word as I did above or, you can separate the two by indicating one value and one belief. However, the reviewers appreciate it when applicants can combine the two into one trait because it shortens the essay and is easier to peruse given the short time frame they have to consider your essay. That's why you are asked to do it in less than 300 words.

It would be better for your essay though if you focus on something other than your belief in an education and scholarship. The reviewers need variety in your essays because this is your formal interview. They won't get to know you better as a person if you keep discussing the same factors over and over again. Limiting the knowledge of the reviewer about who you are to only 2 of the same factors weakens your essay because your other abilities, character traits, and other considerations that would help paint a complete picture of who you are as a person doesn't come to light for consideration. There is no way for him to tell if you fit the unknown factors for scholarship applicant considerations.

Scholarship / NTU SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY, ABOUT MY INSPIRATION MY FAMILY. [3]

Patricio, don't use the scholarship as the subject of personal importance to you. Instead, you can say that the subject of personal importance to you is completing your education in order to help your parents. That way, you can still discuss how your parents go out of their way and make personal sacrifices to make sure that you can get the best education that they can afford to give you. Mention that these financial difficulties are what has led you to aspire to complete your studies because you hope to get a job in the next 4 years. Explain that you relate a good, effective, and impressive education with the manner by which you will be able to payback your parents for their support all these years by easing their financial burdens and taking care of them when the time comes.

Don't focus on the importance of the scholarship because the importance of the scholarship will become evident in your presentation. Additionally, everyone who applies for the scholarship consider the scholarship of personal importance. So that discussion is negated by the number of students who will be using it as their reason for the prompt discussion. You need to be different and stand out. That will be best done by discussing the personal importance of securing a complete education in order to help not only yourself by securing your financial future, but also paying back your parents for the chance they have given you.

Scholarship / Study Objective [Fulbright] : Studying HCI to Solve Problem Based on Human Behavior. [2]

Eda, what the specific point of your study? You have given an extensive background for yourself in business but not IT and you have not made the connection between consumer understanding and HCI in your essay. There is no real focus in the discussion. There is no point to your interest. It doesn't tell the reviewer anything about your study objectives at all.

To fix this essay, you first need to consider what it is that you want to do in relation to a connected system / presentation of consumer interests that fall under the HCI field. For example, some department stores now have storefront shops but no actual stocks in the store. Amazon recently launched an employee free grocery where people interact with computers at the checkout instead of actual humans registering and closing the purchase. How does HCI fit into your business interests in a manner that this would become an acceptable study objective for you? What human behavior in particular do you believe HCI has yet to focus on and why do you think that studying that will help you make a positive contribution to the field of Consumer Behavior - HCI concepts? Does this interest in any way have a direct applicability in your line of business? How do you see yourself pioneering this technological concept?

Based on the current trends in consumer based HCI, how would you see yourself performing a specific type of research as part of your study goal. The study goal must contain a workable thesis statement and a plan of research along with an assumed conclusion. Then explain how the scholarship can help you achieve the results you are looking forward to implementing through the research once you return to your home country.

From the looks of it, you can use paragraphs 3 and 4 in your revised essay. Paragraph 6 should be presented alongside information in paragraph 3 and 4 because Psychology has a direct relation with the study of consumer behavior. Therefore, it integrates into the reasons for your interest in heightened and more integrated consumer behavior - HCI concepts. All the other paragraphs may be omitted.

Letters / A very short essay for the European Commission traineeship [2]

Alessandra, this response is like a hamster on a wheel. Constantly churning out words but not getting anywhere. You are not being asked why you think you will qualify for the program, nor what you expect to learn during your time as a student. You were required to represent the reasons for your interest in External Relations. Since you have a background in International Relations, then your response should be based upon that. What international relations do you see as internally problematic that can begin to find a resolution through improved external relations? By offering a thesis statement and then explaining why you believe that is so, then you will be responding to the prompt in a more appropriate manner. The format for your response should be similar to the following:

Par. 1 - An explanation of your international relations background leading up to the presentation of your interest in and a problem related to external relations. Focus on only one problem so you can thoroughly discuss your reasons / explanations with the remaining character count. This all about explanation development. Convince the reviewer of your interest and reasons. You don't need to present several underdeveloped reasons.

Par. 2 - A discussion regarding why you consider this a problem and the underlying reasons for your desire to complete your studies in this field. What do you hope to attain as a masters degree armed professional in this field?

For the reasons, you can use as many paragraphs as you deem fit for your explanations. Just be conscious of the character count. If you go over the count , you will need to edit the essay for content in order to fit in the most important aspects only.

Sadly, I can't go any further with reviewing your essay beyond this point. You will need to make this thread URGENT in order to qualify for additional advice from me should you decide to post a revised version in this thread.

Graduate / The impact of the Erasmus Mundus emPLANT master's scholarship in your home country [3]

BIsrat, you have presented very relevant information in relation to food insecurity in Eritrea.However, I am not sure what moves the government of this country has taken to address this concern. Where is the developmental context of this concern? What programs has the government enacted that are meant to help alleviate this situation? Try to find a government program to present that relates to the masters degree that you are applying for admission to. Then explain how this developmental need can be addressed by the course you are planning to take. Describe the skills that you hope to hone and what the goal of your studies will be. Indicate how you see your participation in this field as helping to improve the system or address the problem. If the government is harnessing plant biotechnology, explain how this has helped to improve the current situation and what you plan to contribute to the program. Describe a breakthrough that you hope to make in the field and how hope it can help change the situation regarding food insecurity in Eritrea. Don't be so over reaching as to deal with all of Africa, just focus on your own country and its problems. Your solutions should be localized to your country instead of your region as a regional response cannot be undertaken by a single person and his abilities. Now, since I am not sure about what other prompt statements you are required to make. I shall stop at this point. I believe that from here, you will know how to improve upon the rest of the requirements of the statement.

Scholarship / Illustrate how the programme will contribute to you Home Country Benefit [5]

Godluck, this is not an essay that you can use for the scholarship application. You did not reflect a developmental goal in Ghana that will be reflected in a proposed project for your undertaking as a masters degree student. Neither do you explain how you plan to implement your vision of a developmental goal contribution to your home country upon your return.

Your method by which you will keep the scholarship informed shows that you are not planning to become a leader in the field but only an ordinary worker because you are referring the committee to contact your employer regarding the developments of your program instead of going out and leading the charge in the implementation of these projects. Thus, this essay will not help you come into consideration for the scholarship grant.

Based upon these observations, there is a need for you to write a new essay that really reflects the missing information. If you are not sure about how to do that, then you can look at the numerous sample essays available at this forum. The most important aspects that you have to reflect are:

1. The developmental goal of your country
2. An explanation as to why you believe your masters degree certification will result in a response to a critical need within the developmental goals.
3. What your plan to contribute to the plan is
4. How you plan to implement this upon your return
5. What the measurement metrics for the success of your program will be.

Using the above outline, you should be able to offer a better and more relevant response to the prompts you were provided for the essay.

Writing Feedback / "Are all Whites generous givers?" based on a picture [4]

伍慧汝, I do not believe that your discussion is being done in the proper context. If you notice, the picture shows a white and black hand clasped together in a show of unity. Yet your discussion is all about racial divisiveness. Based on the picture, if I had written this essay, I would instead, have written about how the racial divide did exist for centuries but then explain how in modern times, the Blacks have finally started to come into their own and have begun to earn the respect of the Whites. Thus having the picture show instead the growing solidarity and lack of racial divide as being the main point of the picture. Then again, that is just my opinion.

By the way, always use the plural term "Blacks" and "Whites", never just "black" and "white" because that simply refers to colors instead of actual people behind the color. Additionally, it is "Europeans", not "European" because your sentence is making reference to numerous adventurers and conquerors in its statement.

While I do like the work that you have written here. I believe that you have focused too much on the ancient history of the relationship between "Blacks" and "Whites". The lack of historical references to your claims made the essay weak. Had you aimed for modern history of the relationship instead, the work would have been better off with the general claims you made in the essay.

Save for some problems with descriptive word usage in the essay, your sentences and paragraphs have an advanced level of English writing feel to it. With continued practice and more familiarity with word usage, you should be able to further increase your English writing skills and analytical abilities.

Graduate / My connections with chemicals - first draft for personal statement for masters in chemical review. [2]

Muhammad, your personal essay is not focused on the development of your interest in Chemistry in the proper manner. For starters, an applicant should never vaguely refer to his interest as having developed "in childhood". Nor should it refer to your childhood Science classes in elementary school. In all honesty, the reviewers consider these hyperboles and do not take such statements seriously from any applicant. If you wish to write a proper personal statement, then you must delete this essay and start over.

A more appropriate masters level personal statement opens from the time you were first exposed to Chemistry in a manner that would have you considering it as a serious career in High School. Based upon your exposure to the field in Chemistry class, what other activities did you do that helped you hone your interests and skills in this topic? Your performance in the exams that earned you a scholarship is relevant, but you have to show how your desire to pursue a degree in Chemistry helped you achieve that. You need to discuss extra curricular activities and academic activities that will show the development of your skills and interest in the course. Think beyond your regular classes and your final year project.

Remove the reference to the final year project in such detail within this essay. Offer only a summary of the thesis statement and the result of your experiment. The full discussion should be placed as part of your qualifying discussion in the statement of purpose. That goes the same for the mention of the mentor you wish to work and study under at the university. That also belongs in the statement of purpose.

Make a clear reference not only to the university in the personal statement, but the reason you opted to study in Canada as well. What does Canada offer you in terms of academics and internship preparation that you cannot get in your country? Why can't your home country accommodate your desire to study a masters in Chemistry at this point?

Focus the essay on convincing the reviewer that you have done everything you can to develop your skills and abilities as a Chemist and that you have the academic foundation to successfully undertake this line of study. That is what your personal statement should be all about.

Graduate / First SOP Draft Msc in CS. English is my 2nd language and change in background is making it hard. [2]

Balaganesh, this is a personal statement. So you cannot use this for a statement of purpose (SOP). The SOP contains highly different information. None of which is located in this essay. So, you have to write a totally new essay and put a pin in this one in case a personal statement is ever required for your MS application essays. This leads me to ask the question, were you given a specific set of questions to respond to by the university for your SOP discussion presentation? If yes, then what are those questions? If no, then you should develop a more appropriate SOP based on the following guide questions:

1. Are you changing careers? Is that what you meant by change in background is making it hard? If yes, then explain what your current career is and why you suddenly decided to shift career gears from one to the other. Be clear in your explanation. Indicate if this is a change to a related field or not. If related, explain what the relationship is so that you can imply that you actually have a foundation in your studies or work field that will allow you to adjust to the new career you wish to undertake.

2. Describe the reason why you are motivated to change careers. What made you interested in it? If this is a new interest for you, explain how you came to know of this field. Can you offer undergraduate evidence of some sort of studies that relate to Cloud Computing that you can say will help you be a performing student when you study this course?

3. What is the exact purpose of your desire to enter this field of computer science? Cloud Computing is not something that everyone has an interest in so you have to justify your interest through a cloud computing related purpose through your previous career.

4. Why did you choose this particular university to study at? Delve on the specific programs and training you can receive in relation to your post study plans.

5. Explain how completing this course at this university will help you to transfer from one career to another. What is your plan for your future after you graduate? Think about immediate career plans if you cannot envision a 5 year career plan in this new field yet.

The guide questions provided will help you create a new, more appropriate SOP draft. With proper editing, the new essay will be useful in your application because the current one that you have developed doesn't really perform that task.

Scholarship / Plan of study relating to HIV in Nigeria [3]

Ahmed, there is no clear course of study provided in your essay. Your earlier statement, the opening portion of the essay, delves on general information in relation to HIV/AIDS in Nigeria. It does not reflect the average percentile of Mother to Child Transmissions, which is the basis of your desire to study this course. Therefore, you should revise the essay in a manner that instead, focuses on the Mother to Child transmission rates in relation to your proposed study plan which is supposed to help control or resolve that issue. After you present your study plan, explain how why you believe that this particular health crisis is part of the developmental need of the people of Nigeria. Thereby justifying the reason that the government of Nigeria will support the Mother to Child transfer prevention program. You cannot discuss HIV/AIDS in a stand alone manner then suddenly present the Mother to Child scenario. You must ensure that the two problems are connected in your study as these are connected in real life.

Your plans upon your return are too cut and dried and therefore, little informative. You need to have some sort of plan of action such as working for the Department of Health where you can influence the HIV program to give a specific focus to your Mother to Child Transfer outreach program. Explain how this should work to reduce the instance of HIV, how you plan to implement this, and what you assumed success rate might be.

Do not indicate that the scholarship should contact you for updates regarding the program. You should take it upon yourself to inform them of the developments you will be having in this field. So, aside from social media, you should look into a constantly updated website where the records of your progress can be kept and easily referred to when required.

Scholarship / Strive for your goal ! : Self-introduction for KGSP [2]

Chutchanok, the essay is 25% completed. There are 2 portions of the essay that you need to address in order to properly inform the reviewer and also, guarantee a clear prompt response. The first paragraph about your interest in business should be placed in a merged form with your motivation for applying to this program. Insert that paragraph before your explanation about your time in China for the language course. You should consider informing the reviewer about how your time in China helped you create a social network relevant to your college major and business interests.

You can remove the reference to the TOEFL tests as that is not going to impress the reviewer. Had you taken and passed the TOPIK test instead, you would have guaranteed yourself a fast track towards being admitted to a university in Korea and also, instant admission to the KGSP program. Actually, the TOEFL story isn't relevant to the application prompts which is why you can safely skip that narration as well.

Don't fall back on quotes to help move your essay along. Revise the part that contains the quote. Instead, utilize this part to introduce your family to the reviewer. That is the concept behind your course of life and view of life. Who are your parents? What kind of family do you come from? What are their jobs? How have they influenced you as a person in terms of how you look at life. Don't use quotes because that is the informal and simplest way to respond to a question that requires and insightful response.

Your educational life is non-existent in this essay. You must discuss the impressive achievements that you had during college. Were you an academic achiever? Expound on that information. What subjects did you excel in? Lessen the extra curricular activities to cover only the activities where you were recognized for a particular ability or participation. The idea, is to show the reviewer that you are a person who manages to succeed in life even when faced with difficulties or seemingly impossible tasks. That is what will ensure that you may have the potential to complete at least the first year of the 3 year program.

Divide your last paragraph into individual topic paragraphs. It is too long. You discuss various topics in it so you have to give those various topics ample attention in the presentation. Otherwise, the reviewer may just forget what you said due to the extremely long presentation. Omit the reference to the experience that your contacts had at the university under the KGSP program. While they did attend the program, their recommendation does not matter to the reviewer. You won't be doing yourself any favors by mentioning unnamed individuals who, even if you name them, will not be familiar to the reviewer. Let your self introduction stand on its own strength. You don't need the support of unnamed individuals in your application.

Revising the essay in the above suggested manner should help you to finalize the content of the essay. One last work fo advice, don't overthink the essay. Leave well enough alone. As long as you accurately cover all of the prompt requirements, your essay will be fine. Don't edit it to death because when you do that, you end up with an essay that you believe you cannot use, but is actually usable already.

Letters / Motivation letter for MSc in BA and SCM at a Dutch university [2]

Natalia, the content of your essay is more in line with a letter of self introduction than a motivational letter. A motivational letter best serves your application purpose when you aim to inform the reviewer about your work, or in this case, internship experiences that influenced your desire for advanced academic learning in this field. The motivation answers the question "Why?" in the essay. For example, you could say something like:

As an intern at ABC, I was exposed to the various facets of CDE. While I performed well in the capacity assigned to me, I felt that the system was flawed and could use some improvement. This motivated me to become a self - starter in order to find a more efficient means of doing FGH. Falling short of the theoretical knowledge in order to develop a solution, I was motivated to learn more about the field in order to enact the changes that I seek. Hence my desire to enroll at IJK as a masters student in the LMN course.

The above presentation is an example of the motivational paragraph. That is the direct response to the "Why?" question I posed. The motivation needs to have a basis in actual experience, an idea that you wish to pursue, and a reason why you chose this university. I know, to some people it sounds like a statement of purpose. I assure it isn't. A statement of purpose is an essay that broadens the scope of your motivational letter discussion. Which is why the two are normally required essays for graduate school application.

Since this is a motivational letter. It need not be extremely long and detailed. It need only reflect the motivation for your application. So a letter of 3-5 paragraphs will suffice. After reviewing your letter, It seems that you do not really have a professional motivation indicated for your desire for higher study. The professional motivation is far more important than you personal goal of continuing your education in the field. After all, it is useless to continuously study if you will not have any real world application for it. You only presented a personal motivation for your interest in this course based upon your current 4th paragraph.

My advice to you is this. Write a new letter. A letter that is more aligned with a motivational discussion instead of a self-introduction. You can base the content of your new letter on the obesrvations I made of your mistakes here (for correction) and also, the example I offered of the motivational paragraph.

Scholarship / MY STUDY PLAN FOR A SCHOLARSHIP AWARD - the peerless University of Botswana [3]

John, you presented an overview of why you want to gain a masters degree in Microbiology but you did not indicate the reason you chose to study this particular course. There is no thesis statement reference as to what you hope to accomplish by studying the particular course. Consider the requirements of a microbiologist these days. What is the field in the forefront of as of now? How do you hope to contribute to this field? Through the specific study of what area of microbiology? What discovery or improvement in a microbiological process do you hope to achieve?

Connect your reason for your choice of university with your academic goals and career objectives. How do you specifically envision the specific courses you will be taking at the university What sort of academic training do you hope to achieve and how? Your discussion of this aspect of the prompt is not informative nor helpful to your application as you only give a generalized reference to your reasons for university choice.

The reason you chose to study in South Africa doesn't make sense. It doesn't explain how the country will be able to help you with your education in a specific manner. based on the possible internship programs the microbiological laboratories in the country can offer you in order to add to your practical training in the field. You should look into this area in order to strengthen your presentation of reasons in response to the prompt. Do not confuse this with the reason why you chose the university.

You do not really cite a specific course that the university offers which enticed you to enroll there. It appears that you are unfamiliar with the course curriculum and offerings so that you only respond in general terms. This creates a weak response and shows that you are just responding to the prompt for the sake of responding. Which translate into an image of you not really being serious about your application to the university.

Please represent information about your previous study, not work experience because it is your college degree and how it prepared your academic foundation for the masters degree that the reviewer is interested in. The professional experience that you present should be expanded to reflect you can improve your position within your current career, positioning you for future employment. Discussing your long term goal is appropriate, but you must reflect the required elements of the prompt first. So present the academic relevance, discuss how it prepared you for a masters course, then describe how the masters course ties in with your future career plan. There is no clear connection between the three being presented in your current paragraph.

Graduate / 'One of the best data science course' - SOP for MS in Data Science at Syracuse University [2]

Akshita, you have written a pretty straightforward SOP that focuses on your abilities and professional exposure, along with a summarized college reference. Excellent work. However, the purpose for your desire to study this course is misplaced in the essay. You have it at the very start with a reference to Google and Facebook. These two being irrelevant information in the essay. The portion that goes "Data Science is changing ... my career goals." Would be more effectively placed as a stand alone paragraph after "To dive deeper into data analytics ... false positive rate." This would show the reviewer a profession related purpose for your desire for higher study in this field. This new paragraph arrangement will render the reference to the social media companies in the first paragraph irrelevant. So the opening statement should then become the reference to your college studies, which will result in a tighter and immediately informative essay for the reviewer to consider.

As for the reasons that you chose Syracuse, don't say "will help me" but rather, tell the reviewer what you hope to accomplish during your future career in relation to the training, both theoretical and practical, that you will be receiving from the university. Additionally, unless your cousin is one of the notable graduates of Syracuse, mentioning him in this essay will not be of any help. What he believed and what he became after attending the university is not important to the reviewer as it does not related directly to you or your application.

Remove the reference to financial aid at the end of the paragraph. The statement of purpose is not the same as an application for financial aid. Non-essential information, such as your inability to afford the tuition of the university is of no concern to the reviewer. That is also something that could stand as a negative point for your application. He is going to end up thinking "Why are you applying for admission if you know you cannot afford to pay to attend Syracuse University in the first place?". Do you see how it will weaken your application? That is why I would like you to not present any reference to tuition problems and scholarship discussions in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Age limit, Who is obliged to work? [3]

Ello, There seems to be a disparity between your title and the focus of your essay. Based upon your title, the concept of the paper should have been a discussion, on general terms of the age limit for hiring employees as it applies to the general population of the world, not just the Philippine workers. If this was not your intention and what you intended to discuss was just the age limitation in the Philippines, then your title, and the accompanying thesis statement for your essay should have indicated that. As it is, your thesis statement is not clear in your first paragraph, nor is the concept or reason for the discussion of the paper. You may want to rethink the overall presentation based upon this observation.

Your discussion of the age limit should have been clear from the start of the essay. By indicating the Philippine worker age concept in the second paragraph, you created confusion as to the actual discussion focus of the paper. What is the point of the OFW in relation to age limitations on employment? What are the age limitations for hiring in your country? What its benefits and drawbacks? Why are you asking "Who is obliged to work"? The concept of the paper may be very clear in your mind but it most certainly not clear in your actual presentation.

Writing Feedback / Sports and social activities great influence on study should be noted and supported by goverment [2]

Do, I understand that you are most likely self studying for the IELTS test and as such, you are not getting proper instructions regarding the best ways to develop, write, and present your essay. You also are not cognizant of the time constraint when writing these essays. Summed up, you are not conscious of the fact that the essay that you turned is impossible to write in an actual test setting.

While there is no maximum word count on the essay, you need to be conscious of the time allotted for the essay task. You only have 40 minutes with which to accomplish the following in the testing center:

1. Read and understand the prompt
2. Outline your discussion
3. Develop a draft essay
4. Review the content
5. Correct the content
6. Proofread the essay
7. Correct all grammar, punctuation, and sentence development mistakes.

The mere outlining of the discussion and development of the draft essay could take as much as 20 minutes already on your part. That means you only have 20 minutes left to finish the rest of the checklist activities before turning in the essay. Due to the number of movements required in the finalization of the essay content, it is always best that you write between 250-300 words only. Bear in mind that you are not being scored on your vocabulary but rather, on our ability to properly use the English language in a manner that makes sure you are understood by the reader. Keep it simple and focus on being understood rather than trying to use "big" words like "empirical" and "ameliorated" out of context.

Now, while there is no upper word limit on the essay, there is a paragraph and sentence maximum which assures that you will not go over the top with your word presentations. Based on the 3-5 sentence limitation on the required 5 paragraphs for the Task 2 essay, you are always assured that you will be writing between 250-300 words. Manageable enough to edit in terms of the provided time limit. Stick to these limitations in order to maximize your scoring potential. You need to make yourself understood within a controlled number of sentences, without relying on run on sentences that separate different discussions using a comma. You will definitely lose points for that.

Since this is an opinion essay, you should use the first person pronoun in order to strengthen your statements. The fact that you support these reasons adds to the idea that you understand what the prompt is about and how to discuss it properly. By the way, this is not an "emotional" opinion essay so there is no need to use the term "strongly". That is better used in the "emotional" opinion presentation. In connection with this, please do not use connecting words such as "because" to start a sentence because there is no thought process to connect to it. See the previous sentence that I wrote for an example as to the proper use of the word "because" in a sentence.

Your concluding statement is incorrect. You are not supposed to insist upon your opinion at the end of this essay. Also, academic experts in the field will not be reading your essay. Therefore, your opinion is not going to reach their ears or eyes. Use the concluding paragraph for what is originally meant for. That is, the restatement of the prompt, the discussion points you presented within 3 body paragraphs, then a repeat of your opinion. That is all that is required.

There are considerable mistakes in this essay that are reflected by my above observations. As such, I will not do an in-depth, detailed review of every mistake that you made here. I don't want you to lose confidence. I want you to think positive and believe that your next essay can be better and should be better if you apply the advice you received here. I look forward to assessing your next essay.

Writing Feedback / Video games having an adverse effect on the people who play them - is that truth, give your opinion. [2]

Trinh, this is an essay that will not pass in an actual test setting due to the word count presented. The minimum for a Task 2 essay is 250 words. You wrote only 221 words. that means you are short of the minimum count by 29 words. The 250 words should also be presented in a 5 paragraph format composed of a 3-5 sentences each. Your essay is missing a proper introduction, an additional body of paragraph, and a concluding summary statement at the end. These are the reasons why your essay is not being presented in the proper format.

This is an opinion essay. As such, all opinion essays must present a singular point of view, without ever making reference to a comparison statement as you did in this essay. The body of paragraphs should only justify your opinion based upon the following (in paragraph form):

1. Public opinion
2. Personal opinion
3. Example to support the given opinion

Afterwhich, all the information should be significantly summarized in the closing summary paragraph.

When you write these essays, do not outline your writing as you did in this one. You should not separate your opening statement from the rest of the essay by indicating "Method 1". Remember, you should only write one version of the essay without identifying what type it is. You don't have the time to compare 2 versions of your writing in the actual test due to the need to review, revise, and edit the essay that you will have written at that point. You should be practicing this early, to write in one method. Make sure that it is the method that you are comfortable writing in. That is also the reason why your second method posting was deleted by the admin. We have a one essay per thread ruling here and your 2 method posting constituted a violation of that rule. Hence, the deletion that was done.

Work on presenting a more effective opening statement. You cannot present less than 3 sentences per paragraph as you will lose points for that. Rather than writing run on sentences or dividing your thoughts using commas, use a period instead. That is guaranteed to also help you achieve the proper word count as you will be forced to write longer sentences to express yourself, thus allowing you to create more complex sentence presentations in the process. A more proper opening statement could be:

Videogames are seen as a method of safe entertainment and a learning instrument by some. Others only see a negative aspect to the activity for a number of reasons. I believe that videogames have more drawbacks than benefits for the players. I will discuss my reasons for this below.

The opening summary should be composed of information that will outline your body of paragraphs. In this instance, the outline indicates:
1. The topic for discussion
2. The 2 opinions regarding the topic
3. Your personal opinion as the main discussion point

Based on the information provided in the original prompt, your paraphrased opening could be as much as 5 sentences, which would definitely help to increase your scoring potential. Since you provided less than the required number of words, you will also receive points deductions for that so don't expect to get a passing score when you write less than 250 words. Between the lacking word count and other errors in your writing and essay development, you won't be left with much of a score per criteria.

Writing Feedback / Introduction "Impact of Globalization" [2]

@loveofenglish As I read this introduction, I found it wanting in terms of specific, introductory information. The first missing information would be the definition of global warming. A simple explanation of what it represents, in terms that non-scientific people can understand can help build the foundation of your research. The second aspect you need to present are the two sides of the discussion. You have described what global warming means to people who believe in it. but you did not define what it means to those who oppose this school of thought. Finally, what is the point of your essay? What is your thesis or motivation for this research / essay. What will you be discussing and offering proof of? That global warming exists? If so then explain what makes your presentation different from all the other papers that prove the phenomenon exists. What aspect of the research will you be presenting that has had little light shed on it in the past? What will be the basis of your information? Make your reader care about what you are writing instead of just sounding like a textbook copy of the global warming discussion.