Graduate / essay for switching from environmental engineering to civil engineering [4]

Well, this is written pretty good. However, I don't find any thing to support how your intended study program would be helpful in achieving your future goals and aspirations. It is one of the most important aspects that admission officers would want to know. The SOP is your best chance to let those officers know you better as a person. So, tell them what your future goals are and how they can be achieved through their program.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the extent to which living in a city in the 21st century is stressful [5]

Living in a city is totally different from living in the countryside.


...You have not yet told us why people choose to live in cities.... so you need to slightly rephrase this sentence :)


This sentence does not deliver your idea clearly.
I can see you have very good vocabulary and grammar. However, you need to arrange your flow better to have your ideas well bonded with each other :)

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

In the whole world many cities, especially big ones, are gettingbecomingmore and more overpopulated year by year.

I completely believe that people have reasonablevalid reasons to come and staylive in urban areas.

You have the tendency to use redundant words. Avoid that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Developing on Chorleywood Village [4]

The given map reveals the information regarding the developingdevelopment of Chorleywood village in 126 years started from 1868 to 1994.


I see this is not the most obvious trend. (Overview should be something that you notice at a glance) This is what I suggest;
Overall, the least development of land had been taken place during the period of 1868 to 1883 while the period 1970 to 1994 recorded the highest level of development of Choreywood village.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay Bradford Univ ...How the situation in your country has affected you? [6]


At present, terrorism is the gravest problem that all Pakistanis are facing.

It has become a headache for the government and a nightmare for the members of the public.
Well, you go on telling about its ill effects a lot. However, your concentration is pretty low on how it is affecting you as a person or your family. I feel your response needs to be a bit more of personal nature than what you have produced above.

Undergraduate / A human's most noble act is to create; TRANSFER OBJECTIVES [4]


Beautiful start :) Impressive quote :)
aLuckyStudent has given you many useful advice and hope you give some thought for them. Overall, I think you've done a real good job with your response. I find it simple and interesting and especially I like your style of writing. In my view, you sufficiently answer why you want this transfer.

Good job and Good luck with your transfer :)

Writing Feedback / "Where I see myself in ten years" but written in third person essay. [3]

Many people thingthink about their future and the things theydream about their desiresto achieve . A student may want a career as a physical therapist so they can help people through painful struggles.


It is natural for such a student to aim at a job in a company that hires physio therapists after he or she is graduated.

Letters / Recommendation letter for my Student (for applying undergraduate admission) [3]

It gives me a great pleasure to write athis reference letter forin favor of Ms. xxx. I have known her for the past one year and have had the pleasure of havingin the capacity of her professor in mythe subject of Calculus 1 class in January 2013 semester.


I have identified her as a diligent and hardworking student.


She would not hesitate to seek clarification from me whenever she has even a slightest doubt in the subject.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Internet Use in Europe [10]


... why do you say "past time attitudes of adults"? Your graph title does not refer anything to that effect. "Attitude" is not an appropriate word to use there (attitude means -a settled way of thinking or feeling about something). This is what I suggest for your intro;

The charts provide details about popularity levels of different leisure activities of the adults in several European countries in 1995,2000 and 2004 .
Simply paraphrase your topic title.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Do you agree or disagree? "The most important thing about a job is how much money [5]


Ok, let's do the intro with Pahan's structure;


Money is one of the most important aspect in our life. (hook) Therefore, some people argue that money should be the most important consideration in a job. (Background) However, in my view, although money is also an important factor, it is not the only important thing about one's job. (Thesis )

Writing Feedback / THE POWER LIES WITHIN YOU - Changing a country [5]

To make a change in something or someone is inevitably a hardshipan impossible hard task ] especially for the monotonic monotonous people, but not for the rebels , those who were born to make a difference.

As the The secret of changing a country all lies inon changing yourself.

What canwould a girl want more than feeling that she is safe ?

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Differences between parents' generation and our generation. [5]

Ok, let's attend to this body para;
you need to start with the feature that you are going to talk about how your parents' generation is different to yours. In this case it is the value system that your parents had. So, let's do it this way;

First, the value system of our parents vastly differed from the values and perceptions of our generation. Our parents were highly influenced by religious and traditional beliefs. They were more concerned about social ethics than us. For example, ?????????? (now give an example)

Graduate / Study plan for applying master of business administration in taiwan [2]

This gives a bit of a confusing feeling to the reader as to in what subject you are interested. Since this is about your study plan, I wonder why you spoke about these diverse interests? Do you wish to learn all of them under the intended course?

I have gained either not only basic knowledge of core economic principles likes demand-supply rule, pricing theory ,profit making and other aspects of macro and minor economic(these are too obvious and , in my view, do not contribute much for this response) but also the responsibilities for jobs.

Writing Feedback / Analysis of a questionnaire on kids activities - IELTS writing task 1 sample: Pie Graph [5]

Well you have it to some extent, but you have an issue with presenting each different section. For example, your introduction and overview are both together;


You need to separate Introduction, Overview and Body paragraphs (where you discuss trends in detail).... The detailed paragraphs can be constructed as you like but they need to follow some kind of obvious logic. In this case, I suggest you to have one para to discuss trends in boys activities and the other to girls and the third one to compare. I hope Pahan or Eddies would do some samples for you.... If not I'll try to help you when I get some more free time :D

Writing Feedback / Three important things in choosing a job. - IELTS topic. [13]


Of course, a good hook will definitely help you with impressing your examiner and that fact alone helps you earning good marks for this task .... LOL

However, if you do not get a hook at once when you start writing, start with the background which is easy (only you have to paraphrase the topic ).... So, once you get into writing, you would get some idea to insert as a hook a little later :D That's a tip!

However, in my view, even if you don't have a hook, it may not be a very very serious issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1; The consequence of a survey of grown up person education [5]


... I feel you can improve this overview a little bit more;
Overall, the most significant reasons for adult education have been the interest in subjects and obtain qualifications while it was the individuals who bore the majority portion of the cost of the subject.

Overall, you have presented it very well :)

Writing Feedback / "Many holidaymakers would rather stay in a hotel room. Others prefer a campsite." (Essay) [9]

Well, it is a bit difficult to say without knowing the purpose of this writing. I feel you have written it as a practice essay for TOEFL or IELTS. Is it? (Mention the purpose in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks.)

As for me, I strongly believe camping plays a considerable part in an enjoyable pastime.

Writing Feedback / International Graduates, Canadian Universities, 2001-2006 [4]

Given is a bar chart compares the numbers of overseas graduates number of Canadian colleges who come fromin eight provinces.


Here you need to have the most obvious observations and you should not have statistics or details in this overview. For example,
Overall, all the colleges show a significant improvement in the numbers of overseas students from 2001 to 2006.

Scholarship / scholarship essay on My mother inspires me. [4]


.... why do you speicifically mention about an African American? Did your prompt sought such person? If not, I think it is better you removed that part.

Everything that I amabout me today is a result of theher influence and the life lessons that she has taught me.


....You are repeating this fact too many times within short intervals

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "a coin has two sides" Young people enjoy life more than older people do. [4]

You seem to be having a good understanding about how to structure your introduction. However, I like you made a clear statement as to what position you hold in the argument. For exmple, instead of ;


However, in my view, I believe that it is not fair to say that young people do enjoy life more than the old because it does not happen always.


.... The first part sounds a bit repeated.

Scholarship / I come from a middle class Philippine family; KGSP Scholarship Essay [3]


I come from a middle class family in Philippines.


My father who was never so close to me, left us for his mistress while I was in high school. ... I don't know whether this is the idea you wanted to tell :p


My mother often recalls how keen I was about reading books and how good about memorizing things.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: describe a line graph about modern technology usage in the UK. [5]

Overall, it is the structure that you need to pay serious attention. Pahan has suggested you a good structure to follow. Once your structure becomes firm, you really don't have to worry about anything. Your grammar, vocabulary, sentences and even the presentation are all very very good. Fine tune the structure with Pahan's suggestion and you'll do much better than this one :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - a custom from your country that you would like people from other countries to ado [4]


Well, you keep beating about the bush and take too long to come to the point to introduce your topic. Restrict your sentences only to the most relevant and important points. Otherwise your reader would be bored of your writing :(

In India, aged people staysstay with their families and their kids pleasantly takes the honor of taking care of their parents. ...
people stay / man stays
Also, the word "families" makes the word "kids" redundant because kids are too a part of family :(

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: which is better learning from the advice of fnf or from personal experience [5]


There is no end to learning. From the day we are borne to the day we die, we keep learning things and it is this learning process would help us survive and thrive in life.

Good introduction :) You follow the right structure :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. [5]

Well, overall, your essay needs better presentation. You tend to construct too complicated sentences. Avoid that and write simple, yet interesting sentence. Remember, the most important aspect in writing is that clarity of your ideas.

Firstly, my parents and relatives are settled in Gujarat state of India.

Graduate / Multimedia and Real­time High­speed Communications - PhD program of Computer Science, . [3]


There, the electricity blackouts take place almost every week and usage of computers still considered to be a luxury.

The main reason for the slow economic growth in that region is due to lack of adaptation of new technologies, especially advancements inthe Internetinternet and wireless communications.communication technologies.


You should have added this part to the previous para as they are on the same theme.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]



Hey Arun, When I saw the above comments I reread your prompt and found they've got some good points. Actually what happens here is that it reads as you have accepted that females do not have a fair chance and you try to show why they deserve a fair chance. However, the prompt says;


Here, both genders are treated equally. So, your reasons should have been that
1)from the uni's perspective, they should make sure they take in the right candidate so that they need to give priority for the right qualifications,skills and capabilities of the student over his or her gender

2)from the student's point, they should be allowed to pursue their interest and there should not be any discrimination on gender.
You have written well, I mean your grammar, vocab and so on. However, alignment with prompt has a small issue. Sorry, I didn't notice in first go :(

Undergraduate / correct the grammar and punctuation and help me add some clasical words [4]

My name is Fares Sereir, and I am 17 years old. I am Dutch with Algerian origin, my mother being Dutch and my father being Algerian. I was born in Amsterdam, Netherlands on the 30th of December 1996. Over the years of my life I have travelled to various countries and experienced different cultures, all thanks to my father's company. I have travelled to many countries such as Spain, France, Italy, Germany, Algeria, Morocco, and Tunisia. and over the past years of my life I have picked up a lotThese travel experiences have helped me broaden my outlook and perspectivesfrom these wonderful countries and their thriving and blossoming cultures and Economies .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - studying art and music will develop one's mind [4]


Well, I am not very good at rating your essay. However, I can certainly help you with aligning your essay structure that would earn you a very good score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]


I removed Memomk4's essay from your thread. You are quite right saying that he should have had it in his own thread. As per forum rules, users cannot post their essays in others' threads.


Nowadays, both male and female students are equally competitive to each other and deserve to produce impressive results in various field of education.

Good writing as always :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - transport and car use in Edmonton [3]

Follow this structure for this task;

You should open IELTS related threads in Writing Feedback forum. Also, have a more meaningful title for your essays.

Writing Feedback / Celebrity/ famous film star/ sports personality - 'opt for entertainment field' [5]


This is actually not what your prompt requests you to agree on. Instead it asks whether you agree that being a celebrity has more benefits for a person compared to things he or she needs to sacrifice. Always align your writing with the task that prompt has given you. You seem to follow a good structure for your introduction, but you also need to stay with your prompt :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'every student either male or female should be given equal opportunity' [12]


Well, before this , you need to introduce the background of the issue... hey, have you forgotten it? :D

Writing Feedback / "Many holidaymakers would rather stay in a hotel room. Others prefer a campsite." (Essay) [9]

First, this thread should have been opened in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for that. It is not just a forum rule, but a very helpful way for you to earn more feedbacks :)


This is not an interesting hook. You could have said the same idea in a much more simple and interesting way;
Nowadays, people are becoming more and more interested in making memorable holidays.
Your opening sentence needs to hook the reader towards your writing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: median costs of houses and units in four cities in Australia over a 16 year [3]

Ok , where is the line graph? You should have upload the graph for us to have a look before providing you with our feedbacks. That is the only way you can earn more meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the message block for uploading your graph :)

I suggest you to include an overview in between the introduction and the detailed para :)

Graduate / ART, ANIMALS & HELPING OTHERS; Graduate Essay for Art Education [2]


Art, animals and helping others have always been the most joyful things in my life.


Well, I find the first sentence and the rest in this introductory para are not really fitting well with each other. I feel you need to set up a better connection with the "Art, animals, helping others" or the Confucius quote.

Writing Feedback / Three important things in choosing a job. - IELTS topic. [13]

Don't worry about hooks too much. If you want to write a hook, write something very relevant to the topic, but it should be interesting and simple short idea. Then explain the background of the issue. Even if you do not have a hook and start with the background (which is by paraphrasing the prompt) you still would be able to go for a good score. However, it is nicer if you have a hook.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Subway system in six major countries [5]

The table revealsevidencepresents detailed statistics of the underground railway systems in six major countries in field of opening date, length of route, and the commuters are carried.

Not surprisingly, all mentioned features of six subway system varied markedly.
Turning to the details, by comparison with Los Angeles subway system,London'sLondon had the first subway systemcoming first construction in 1863 and carried out at 775 million commuters annually. However, coming the sixth underground railway systems, Los Angeles sub way was inaugurated in 2001 and carried 50 passengers in the route of 28 kilometers.

Essays / Parapharing - Need Help [2]


Hey, you need to do that first dear. Do your draft and post it and we would help you improve that for sure. You can also google on Smithsonian to find some good key words to be used in paraphrasing. It does not seem to be a difficult task at all , a matter of four sentences. So, post your own work for us to give you our feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - GT (task-1) You have moved to different house, Write a letter to your friend [3]

I hope this letter finds you and your family well.

Actually, my previous house was quite far from my office location and (no ; ) as you know that I don't have a conveyance, so daily morning I had to walk 01 hour to reach at my office and it took almost the same time to home in evening.


This is good, but I like if you had one more line to complete it;
I hope the new location would give more family time.