Undergraduate / I want to be at a school that makes me happy - FIT Admissions Essay [3]

Pili, your essay will be better served if you remove the unrelated first paragraph. That is nothing more than you just trying to fill in the word count with an unsolicited personal reflection that could backfire on your essay. You have to respond to the prompt within the first 3 lines of your essay otherwise the reviewer will stop reading your essay. In this case, I stopped reading after the unrelated second sentence and moved on to your second paragraph instead. I moved on to the second paragraph because I am not a reviewer attached to a school. I am only here to advice you on how to improve this. An actual reviewer would simply move on to the next application.

Opening with the second paragraph immediately grabs the reviewers attention and establishes a number of response to the prompt requirements such as why you are interested in the major you have chosen and indicates related activities. What it does not represent are the accomplishments you have in this field. For this part, you will need to build on the amateur field related experience that can help you establish your traits that make you a perfect FIT candidate, without saying it directly. You became interested in ethical companies. That is good. How did you pursue this interest and what have the results been so far? Without a connecting statement between your interests in this major and how you have pursued it previous to your application to FIT, you will not really be able to sell the reviewer on the idea that you are a good candidate for the university. This is all about pursuing your passion in the field early on and making a difference by making early preparations to major in the course on your end. You do not attend FIT with the expectation that they will prepare you for the demands of the major and the job that you will get in the future. FIT is only going to enhance the talents, interests, and participation you have had in the field. It will polish you into a professional. It will not lay the foundation for you to eventually pursue this interest. That should have happened during your high school days.

Writing Feedback / Exercise should be a more important part of the school curricullum - persuasive essay [2]

Alex, your teacher is right. This is not a persuasive essay. This is an opinion paper and nothing more. A persuasive essay will look at both sides of the discussion, rebutting the other side as being false or inefficient in reasoning because of better, more valid, more authoritative reasons coming from you. Each time you present information such as percentages or quotes, you must include a reference to the source material in the manner that the paper format dictates (APA ,MLA, Chicago, to name a few formats). Otherwise, the information is not considered persuasive nor accurate in presentation. Think along the lines of a compare and contrast essay in order to successfully persuade people to your side. Don't use caps lock when emphasizing words in an academic paper, use either italics or an underline to do that. Refrain from using the bold function on the letters as well as all of these indicate shouting as the reader.

Writing Feedback / Internet is as violent as entertaining - essay based on a short story [3]

Boyu, the instruction you provided does not seem complete. You indicated that you have to write a 500 word essay based on the story, but what kind of essay was it supposed to be? A reaction essay or a creative narrative that retells the story in a more intricate manner? I am confused about that part. I am confused because your essay is just basically a retelling of the same story, with no real observations or comments that were not based upon the information provided. Unless you can clarify the type of essay that you were supposed to write, I doubt that the following advice will be useful to you. However, since this essay has been posted, I will try to advise you regarding it. The essay should have began with the second paragraph because that makes a direct reference to the story you were given. This creates a "direct response" to the story and immediately engages the reader. The first paragraph is just unnecessary fluff. Do not use slang terms such as "sacked" in a formal academic essay. Instead, use more formal terms such as "terminated from her job". Be formally descriptive, not creatively casual in your presentation. This is still a formal written discussion after all. The reference to your roommate is not necessary in this instance. You changed the course of the prompt discussion by closing with a different example that is not related to the story you were asked to write about. Doing so altered the total presentation and, that being the last presentation in the commentary, has led the reader to remember the wrong information coming out of your essay. This is about the girl in the story, not your roommate so do not introduce unrelated examples at the end if you cannot connect it to the original prompt.

Scholarship / David Strangway was a visionary who helped pioneer educational change and reform across Canada. [2]

Danielle, this essay does not represent a future vision for children in this field based upon your expected participation. Rather, it just discusses the disorder in a nondescript manner. I do not see any relation between what you wrote and the visionary quest that David Strangway embarked upon in order to improve the Canadian educational system. You have not imagined yourself as being a pioneer of something in this field in the manner that Strangway accomplished his objectives for education.

The essay should be revised to indicate the reasons why this field of study became your passion. That should cover 100 words. Then the next 200 words should explain how you hope to address this problem in the future. How do you see Child Psychology becoming an important part of overcoming the educational challenges in Canada or worldwide? You need to convince the reviewer that the field of study you have chosen is one that will help to heighten the level of education in Canada in a manner similar to the breakthrough developments Strangway introduced during his time.

You shared a simple sentence with a vision for the future, but you did not explain how you hope to achieve this. The theoretical explanation is highly important in this instance as it should reflect some of the values that Strangway introduced during his time. The two must connect in order to prove that you will be a force for educational change and reform in Canada. You already know what the problems in the field are, how do you propose to address it in the future as a graduate of this course?

Undergraduate / How are you a leader and how will this show on campus? [2]

Jay, there is no true leadership role included in this essay. You are only implying that you have played leadership roles and skills, but the examples are superficial, shallow, and questionable. You need to have better examples, definitive examples in this essay. Opt to choose only one leadership story to present in the response. It should exemplify skills or traits that you believe are important in a leader. This is where the school or non-school related activity comes in. Opt to lengthen the discussion about the robotics club instead by focusing more on your role as the founder of the club. What specific leadership role did you portray and why? From there, focus on how you how you plan on sharing these leadership skills as a student leader at UT Austin. Read the website, look for information about activities that you can participate in so that you can explain how your leadership skills will be useful in that arena. Or, the other option, is for you to explain that you plan to start some new club, organization, or activity on campus which will call upon your leadership skills in order to increase the diversity and uniqueness of the student community.

Writing Feedback / Female teachers were dominant in pre-school, primary and secondary school in the UK in 2100 [3]

Pham , You should have made a smaller file size for the image upload. You cannot expect to get an accurate review and comments about your essay content at the moment because of the lack of image. The most you will get out of me is a general review of the work that you have done which, based on your word count, is not sufficient enough to gain a passing score. You wrote only 157 words. You have to write at least 200 words in order to be considered for a higher level of scoring band.

In the first paragraph, an enumeration of the 6 different stages was required as part of the overview of the data you will be presenting. You left the reader in the dark because you did not tell the reader what to expect in your analysis. There is a lack of discussion instruction representation in the statement. That should have been presented before the trending statement.

Due to the missing illustration, I cannot tell if you developed a sufficient analysis of the given information. Your statements feel short and abrupt. It is more than likely also that, due to the short analysis you made, your essay is not delivering all of the required information as per the discussion instruction.

Please do your best to upload the image with your next practice essay so that I can offer you better guidance and a more comprehensive review for your work.

Writing Feedback / In many countries, very few young people read newspapers or follow the news on TV [6]

Erica, since this the first time that you have posted an IELTS Task 2 essay for review here, I will assume that you are self-studying and you do not have the guidance of an instructor to aid you with your practice tests. I came to this assumption because the essay that you wrote does not follow the formula for a proper Task 2 essay at all. The format should have been as follows:

Par. 1 - Prompt paraphrase
Par. 2-4 - Discussion with reason and examples.
Par. 5 - Conclusion

The first paragraph in your essay would have caused an automatic failing grade of the essay in the TA portion because you did not accurately represent the paraphrase discussion in that section. Once you make a mistake in the TA section, which results in a failing score, it will be extremely difficult to muster even a close to passing score for the remaining elements. Mostly because the part that accounts the most in the scoring criteria received a failing mark. Let me show you a model opening paraphrase, which applies to all of the Task 2 practice tests:

There is a growing decline in the number of adolescents who are interest in either gaining information for news from either papers or television news programs. An explanation exists regarding this trend. In this essay, I will be discussing methods by which this downward direction can be reversed.

You have to remember that in order to score better in the first scoring salvo of this test, you must be able to prove that you are capable of explaining what the original topic for discussion is and how it is to be discussed in your own words. Using the keywords from the original will ensure a good score. However, showing off a bit by using synonyms for the words will help to increase 2 sections of the score immediate, the TA and LR sections. Increase your score in those parts and the rest of the scoring should follow suit.

After repeated readings of the body paragraphs that you wrote, it appears that you just discuss the same reason in 3 different ways. The examiner will be conscious of that fact and lower your score accordingly for all 4 sections. Make sure that you create a different topic sentence for each paragraph and you discuss these topics accordingly. That way, you can show off your GRA and C&C skills accordingly.

Do not present a personal point of view in an essay that does not specifically ask you to do so by asking for your opinion in the discussion instruction. Doing so is a prompt alteration that could negatively affect your final score. The concluding statement should not be used to continue the discussion. Rather, it is meant to summarize the discussion you presented within 3-5 sentences. So your essay does not have a concluding statement. Instead, it is an open ended essay that will result in a lowered overall score for your work in an actual setting.

Undergraduate / My deep desire to help others. UBC Personal Profile [2]

Enyo, you missed the total point of the prompt you were asked to respond to. The most important aspect of the response is how other people, such as your family, friends, and / or community members will describe you. What you wrote is a self-description, not a second point of view description of yourself. The whole essay seems to focus its response on the last part, which is a discussion of what you are most proud of about yourself. Rather than this presentation, you should clearly indicate whose description of yourself you will be presenting (family, friends, community members) and then tie that into the thing that you are most proud of. For example, if you are big on the Card for Humanity project or the Model UN project (pick one, the prompt does not allow you present both), then the personal description regarding you must come from members of that community which you function best in. That way, the essay response becomes cohesive in its presentation. You will need to revise the whole essay in order to better fit in the required changes. I would advise you to allot a total of 125 words per prompt requirement so that you can accurately discuss both prompts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Material Possessions or Kindness/Trust? [5]

Zeqi , your essay has a number of problems with it which you need to address. Aside from being below the required word count of 250, which will result in the automatic failure of this test in an actual setting, the problems have less to do with the intent of your body of paragraphs and more to do with the way that you present the information within the overall essay. Let's address this problem one by one so that you can keep track of what changes need to be made.

Your opening paraphrase is not in accordance with the requirements of the opening paragraph. As proof that you understood the discussion topic provided and that you will be able to discuss it in the manner required, you need to deliver an appropriate restatement of the discussion prompt. Additionally, you need to make sure that you respond to the question or instruction line in an appropriate manner. In this case, the "extent" question should be responded to as "partially, fully, or strongly" to name but a few variations of the extent discussion response. So, a better example for this paraphrase is:

These days, more value is placed on the finances, popularity, and influence of a person. It appears that traditional considerations such as reputation, courtesy, and reliance are no longer appreciated as these once were. I fully agree with this opinion and will explain why within this essay.

You can either use the same keywords from the original in the prompt restatement, or use the equivalent terms, as I did, in order to increase your TA and LR scores in one attempt. What is important is that you restate the prompt in an original manner, based upon your English writing abilities.

The presentation of supporting evidence in your essay is strong and shows a coherent and cohesive discussion within the paragraphs. However, the transition sentences that are required to prepare the reader for the upcoming paragraph is not represented in the last sentences. These transition paragraphs will help to keep the presentation connected to one another and also helps the reader to better keep track of the discussion.

Your conclusion is also inaccurate. It should only reflect a similar presentation as the opening paraphrase. That means, you now have to present the basis of your discussion and the supporting statements presented with the conclusion signified by a restatement of your opinion.

The overall essay is a good attempt but has a number of problem points as I pointed out. Improve on the formatting part because the presentation is pretty much acceptable at this point. So you need to develop the weak points that I pointed out instead.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose- DIGITAL MEDIA/INTERACTIVE ARTS #draft-1 [2]

Mohit, do not try to pass off a personal statement as a statement of purpose. One cannot replace the other due to the differing focus of each essay. In this instance, you can only use the objectives paragraph at the end of the essay for the statement of purpose. You could actually open the revised essay with that specific objective. Are you going for a non-thesis course? From the way you wrote this essay, it seems that you are still pursuing an undergraduate degree. When are you graduating? You may want to reconsider applying for masters acceptance until you have had at least 2 years work experience in order to be sure that this is actually the field of work that you wish to pursue as a full time career. Additionally, as a masters degree applicant, the lack of work experience and pure theoretical and amateur practical experience on your part could be a hindrance in your application since you will be up against more seasoned applicants who have a minimum of 2 years work related experience.

There is actually no way to strengthen this essay at the moment because, as an undergraduate, you lack proper professional references such as relevant internships at multiple companies and training programs in relation to your employment as a professional in this field that could be considered in lieu of the lacking years of experience. These are the reasons why I said you are trying to pass off a personal statement as a statement of purpose. The whole essay only speaks of the foundation of your interest and your relevant, partial education in the field. Information best suited for a personal statement on a college, not masters degree level student application. One internship does not qualify as a professional experience. Unless you can beef up this application with some sort of professional experience, your statement of purpose is not going to stand out among the applicants for consideration, regardless of what university you are applying to.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master of Science in Chemical Engineering Practice [5]

Emmanuel, your first 3 paragraphs are irrelevant to the Statement of Purpose. The reviewer has no desire nor interest in learning about your high school education. His interest in your education lies only in your related college degree and ongoing education in terms of theoretical and practical training through seminars or training programs you have completed. These are the educational undertakings that will prove that you have the proper educational foundation and training that can help you to succeed as an masters student in this field. Therefore, you can start the revised essay with paragraph 4 instead. Make sure to insert your college background immediately after that paragraph. That way you create a linking paragraph between your college training and the first masters degree that you completed. From there, try to discuss how your professional participation has helped you realize that you require a secondary masters degree. What difficulties in your profession to you hope to overcome using this second masters? Why do you think it will be extremely helpful in your profession to have this secondary masters degree? Reverse the position of the sentences in the last paragraph. Discuss your interaction with your classmates first then develop that statement in relation to a specific 5 year career plan.

Undergraduate / USC Undergad Supplemental Essay - Why USC? Major: Communications 2nd choice: International Studies [4]

Khang, your response is inappropriate. This prompt is testing your familiarity with the course curriculum, facilities of the university, and your possible study plans during your time as a student at USC. You have not provided pertinent information with regards to this aspect of the prompt. You are only offering a general, nondescript plan regarding your choice of university and career goals. For this prompt. You have to be specific in your presentation by saying things like "I look forward to spending time at XXX lab where I plan to gain knowledge in XXX", or "As a Communications student, I will join the AV club where I will...", and "As a member of the XXX club, I am excited to...", maybe even say "during my off time from classes, I expect to spend time at XXX where I can interact with other students from other majors and develop my XXX..." or any variation therefore of your plans and activities with regards to your pursuit of learning as a USC student. You must change your answer in totality and aim to write at least 200 words in explanation of your plans. If you use up the 250, that is alright, just don't go over the maximum word count.

Writing Feedback / Reading reflections about artical [5]

Jeannie, one of the best ways that you can improve your English writing skills is by translating what you read from English to Chinese. This will help you to familiarize yourself with the English version of the words in your native tongue. It will be easier to help you remember the meaning of the English word if you can understand what the Chinese equivalent / meaning is. This should result in a smoother English writing for you in the future. You may use Google Translate for the purposes of comparison between your work and the original Chinese article. I understand that people will say that Translate is not very accurate and in certain instances, for specific colloquialisms and translations of proper nouns such as names, it could be inaccurate, but it gives the English learner a better start at familiarizing yourself with the language. It certainly did a better job of translating the first paragraph of the article than you did in explaining it to the reader. So it can help you at least lay out a foundation for English writing. Now, I assume that you are taking English classes right? If possible have your teacher or your classmates read your work and ask them to give you their opinion of the translation regarding word accuracy. Or, you can post your essay here for review. I'd be glad to help you out. That is what your focus should be on at the moment. Try to write just simple, short English sentences using basic English words / grammar. Don't try to write complicated sentences yet. You are not prepared for that and the result is always going to be the same or worse than the essay that you wrote above. Make sure you just use enough words in English to make yourself understood in a sentence. You are not ready for the intermediate or complex set-up yet.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: TV or newspaper? neither? Internet [2]

Peter, This is a pretty good essay, even though your opening paraphrase is not proper. The opening paraphrase is to be used to only prove that you understood the instructions given for the discussion for the essay. All you have to do is explain, in your own words, what the topic for discussion is, the purpose of the discussion, and how it is to be discussed. Here is a sample prompt for this essay:

There has been a decline in the interest of young adults in perusing newspapers or watching nightly news on television. There are a number of reasons that this has been happening. In this essay, I will discuss the causes of this situation and offer a viable solution or two in order to address the issue. The solutions proposed will be based on my personal knowledge and observations.

An insightful review of the way that I arranged the paraphrase will show you that I managed to say thing as the original prompt, but in a totally different manner. This type of presentation will garner an above average to perfect Task Accuracy score. Once you score well in the TA section, the rest of the scoring will follow on a similar scale.

One of the problems that you have in your essay is that you tend to write overly long sentences which turn into run-on presentations. It would be better to write a moderate length sentence instead. With 5 sentences per paragraph, you need to be able to make sure that you highlight your grammar skills in terms if sentence development, aside from creating coherent and cohesive paragraphs. The proper format, per paragraph is similar to this:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reason 1
3. Explanation
4. Example
5. Transition sentence

Proceed to use the same format for the 3 body paragraphs and you will find that your essay will pass the required criteria at a higher level. You really need a transition sentence between your paragraphs in order to prepare the reader for the change in the upcoming paragraph topic. That creates a more cohesive presentation of your discussion throughout the essay. This was specially necessary to connect paragraph 2 to paragraph 3. When you just hit the reader with a change in topic, you create undue stress on the reader and that will lower your score in the GRA and C&C sections.

Your concluding paragraph is inappropriate in format. Remember, the rule of thumb for a higher score is each paragraph should be 3-5 sentences long. That is the best way to increase your chances of hitting a higher band score. This overall essay though, in my opinion, would probably score a 6 at the most.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: reasons for either driving or cycling to work [3]

Peter, next time, please upload the image of the chart with the essay as it is easier for us to make a comparison of your work against the illustration in that manner. Also, we are trying to avoid infecting our computers with viruses from outside and unverified sites. That is why the upload button is included in the text box. If you do not upload the image next time, I will no longer be able to review your essay due to your violation of forum policies.

As for your aim to get a band score of 8, you will not be able to do that with this particular essay. The reason you cannot do it is because you only wrote 175 words. You need at least 200 words to qualify for that band score consideration. At 175 words, you will not score more than a 5. The band score of 8 and above shows a consistent use of simple and complex sentences, advanced English vocabulary, and at the maximum of 5 complete, coherent, and cohesive sentences per paragraph.

I realize that you tried to model your response based on the sample response that you read. Rather than imitating the sample response to the letter, you should tried to do a better job than the sample essay. In my opinion, which my students have followed on their way to garnering a perfect 9 score during the actual test, the best format for the 2 illustration analysis essay is as follows:

Par. 1 - Type of chart, summarized information (type of data, how the data was acquired, and measurement style), discussion instruction, and trending statement.
Par. 2 - Outline of the information from chart 1 with specific percentage information presented for each criteria
Par. 3 - Same as above only using chart 2 information with the comparison information for the 14% similar information from chart 2.

The 3 paragraph minimum is sufficient enough to garner a score of 8 provided you properly represented the information in the paragraph. I already explained how you can do that in my previous statement.

You did a pretty good job with this essay though. It was informative enough but shallow in terms of discussion in relation to comparisons, lexical resource, expanded explanations. You need to present a better mix of simple and complex sentences as well. These are the reasons why you were not able to score higher than a 5 in my opinion. You have the potential to easily achieve the 8 band score if you just work on the points I mentioned above.

Undergraduate / UBC - Tell us more about one or two activities [4]

Michell, is there any chance that you still have an activity in your list that is as impressive as your model UN participation? The reason I ask if because you portrayed such an important personal, social, and moral development during your participation in the MUN. When you moved to the orphanage activity, you discussed only being a "helper" of sorts during the activity. It is like you went from the president of the company to a maintenance crew of the same company. The second presentation was a demotion in skills and learning lessons. If you do not have an activity at par with the MUN, I urge you to drop the orphanage activity in the essay. After all, the prompt is asking for "one or two activities" so presenting just one impressive activity, the MUN, will more that sufficiently respond to the prompt. You could even develop that explanation further if you opt to drop the orphanage presentation. What matters is the impression that you make through the activity presentation, not the number of activities. This is a matter of quality over quantity.

Graduate / Olin business school Master of Finance required essay--- I want to learn real expertise [4]

Qianmei , there are some points that you need to remove and some points that need to be developed in your essay. Let me start with the points that need to be removed:

1. Simultaneously, from books and media reports... global insight. - You must focus only on telling the story within China for now. The USA insight takes attention away from your skills and understanding development of the needs of your own country in the field of stocks and trades.

2. For example, skills of interpreting financial accounts ...After tryouts in various fields, - Don't lecture the reviewer. He knows more than you do. This line sounds like you are showing off.

3.Meanwhile, I firmly believe my past experience... financial analyst. - Don't make assumptions that you might not be able to prove once you are a student already. It would be best to let your transcript do the talking for you in this aspect.

4. I have heard ... member of the MSF program. - The reviewer is only asking for the growth or development of your interest in this field within the discussion, the choice of university doesn't factor into the essay.

The next list will be items you need to expand or improve upon:
1. math related courses and finance related courses - Although you delivered your transcript with your application, it would be best if you remind them of the highlights of your transcript. So mentioning your highest GPA score in specific classes is a good idea at this point.

2. was fortunate to join in a research project ... will always be cherished in my later lifetime.- Revise the paragraph to include the results of the research as well as the self discovery of the field you actually belong to within this occupation.

3. local bank - What bank was this and how long did you intern there?
4. in a big four company and famous securities - which were? In order to make these claims valid, verifiable information must be included

If you follow the instructions above, your essay will turn into a final copy that best responds to the information expected by the reviewer. Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / The caused of deforestation around the world. Solution essay. [3]

SG, when you write these practice tests, always use the exam center set up in order to better prepare for the test. You are only cheating yourself when you take longer than the allotted amount of time to write the essay and then even go back to change the way you wrote parts of it. You won't be able to do that during the test. If you persist in practicing in a non-traditional way, you will find yourself having a hard time catching up with the time frame on exam day. Practice in an actual setting. That is the best way to improve your writing skills and scoring potential.

In the first paragraph, the term consumer goods does not apply because consumer goods normally relates to manufactured products available in stores. It does not relate to deforestation. It would have been better to claim that human progress is affecting the forests internationally and as such, results in negative impacts on our forest. Your discussion instruction representation is sufficient. There was no need to mention 3 solutions though because there are only 3 body paragraphs anyway. So you don't need to inform the reviewer about that.

Developing only 3 sentences per paragraph reduces your increased scoring chances. Aim to always present 5 sentences in order to increase the explanation aspect of the paragraph, which in turn results in less stress for the reader and an increased chance of writing more complex sentences. This will increase 2 scoring aspects immediately, the C&C and GRA portions.

Paragraph 3 is the part that I believe you revised. The revision did not work because it is incoherent, was not developed properly, and seems to not really make a valid point in the discussion. No matter how many times I read that part, I cannot make sense of what you are trying to say.

In the conclusion, present the 3 solutions overview before you that there are X number of ways to tackle the problem. That would make the presentation smoother. As for your final score for this essay, I think it will be anywhere between a 5.5 and a 6, depending upon the other details the examiner will consider on exam day. The main problems are the problematic use of lexical resources, confusing C&C presentation, and problematic GRA presentations. Address these problems in your next essay and the practice test should result in a better score.

Undergraduate / I am applying to UBC and in the application form, it requires me to write an essay about myself [6]

Bena, this statement responds to the last part of the prompt. It does not respond to the first part so you still need to develop your response to that part. Rather than trying to describe yourself based on your family, friends, and/or family members, pick just one instead. The one whose description of you will best tie into the story that you have about your dancing passion that you are very proud of. If you try to use each classification to describe you, the word allowance will be insufficient. It might be better if you try to revise the essay by responding to the first prompt question first, then focus on creating a connected response for the last part of the prompt. That way you get to balance the word allotment throughout the essay. It will also make it simpler to edit the new version for applicability to the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / People increasingly access the news online these day, rather than buying newspapers and magazines [7]

Hanh, the good news is that you were able to provide an accurate prompt paraphrase and thesis statement in the opening paragraph. The bad news, is that your essay will fail tremendously in terms of cohesiveness and coherence scoring considerations. It is extremely difficult to understand what you are saying in most paragraphs because you are thinking in Vietnamese and then translating to English. That is why your essay comes across as transliterations instead of English thoughts. You have to practice thinking and writing in English in order to ensure that you improve in your written grammar. You can do this by reading more English publications and doing more written grammar exercises before you start to write your practice tests. That way your grammar lessons will still be fresh in your mind and thus, allow you write a more English appropriate essay. You should avoid writing essays for now and focus on developing your English thought and writing process instead. You should only start writing essays when you can already think and write without effort in English.

Writing Feedback / Technology has a significant influence on communication and relationships between people. [4]

Sophie, since this is not a comparison essay, you should not be discussing both points of view in the body paragraphs. This will result in a prompt deviation that could result in a failing score for your essay in the actual test. It is easy to remember when an essay is a comparative one and when it isn't. When the prompt asks you to "discuss both points of view", then that is a comparative essay. When the prompt says "or", that means you pick only one side to discuss in the essay. Then the format for the body paragraphs becomes:

Opinion
Supporting statement
Expanded example

The stance that you should take for the discussion should depend upon how much information you know about the topic presented and if you can accurately defend it within 3 paragraphs. So whether it is a positive or negative stance will depend upon your personal choice, available information, and ability to discuss. Therefore, you have to consider the topic very well prior to drafting your essay.

Writing Feedback / The idea of using a standardized national curriculum in the entire nation [4]

Shweta, are you writing a direct question IELTS test essay? Or is this for a TOEFL essay? You did not provide the type of test you are taking and the full original prompt that you are responding to so that your essay can be properly assessed. What sort of discussion are you supposed to represent in the essay? I don't really see a proper thesis statement presented in the first paragraph. Rather, there is a direct discussion of the topic, without a proper representation of the prompt requirement. The overall discussion in the body of paragraphs can be considered informative. However, I am not sure if this is the proper discussion that you should have provided because of the lack of prompt information. Your paragraph about Albert Einstein is not fully developed as an explanation because you only provided it as a superficial example without reason. The same goes for the Roman history sample. If you do not fully develop your discussions, you will not get a good score. The rule is that you should only present one example, one reason, and a few supporting statements totaling 5 sentences per paragraph. Without considering the prompt requirements though, you have a good and strong essay here. It just needs to be better focused in terms of discussion and prompt presentation in order to heighten your scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / Reading reflections about artical [5]

Jeannie, can you provide us with a copy of the article that you read so that I can have a better idea as to what you are trying to present in this comment? Your reading reflection is confusing and not really understandable to the person reading your comments. You have mistakes in your capitalization as you cannot start a sentence with the word "And". You also used a series of commas to separate the sentences instead of periods which would have made the essay easier to read and also, offer a pause for the reader to analyze and understand what you are saying in the sentence. I really cannot understand the point of your comments and how it ties in with the article. You could have used a few quotes from the original article in order to illustrate or better explain what you are trying to impart to the reader. This is not a very well written essay. If I can read the original article, I might be able to come back and advise you regarding the proper structure and content of your response.

Graduate / Explanation for poor grades during study abroad program and GRE - Extenuating situation statements. [5]

Emmanuel are you supposed to be addressing 2 topics in this essay or just one? The reason I am asking is because the GRE section of your explanation is highly under developed and does not even offer a sound explanation as to your under performance in the test. The explanation regarding your low semester grade is well presented though. Some grammatical issues exist though:

1. The part about the Fall of 2013 should be presented as: " I attended the Fall 2013 semester at the peak of my academic performance at St. Lawrence. This made me cocky and overconfident about my abilities as an exchange student. That is why I picked classes meant for Senior students at Otago. I was trying to show off and it backfired. I took on 2 classes..."

Now, you are talking about a semester abroad in New Zealand right? So that is just one semester. Where does the US timeline for your studies and the GRE test fall into the prompt requirements? It seems out of place as you seem to be responding only to a bad grade situation essay and not an explanation for all your academic mistakes. If you are to speak of only the semester abroad, then the US and GRE discussion should be removed. Without the original prompt requirements, I can't really tell if these 2 other topics should stay in the essay or not.

Undergraduate / Being an outcast in my community. What do I value about Columbia? [2]

Daryl, don't just focus on the social inclusiveness as the value that you hope to pursue and achieve when attend Columbia. While your being a social justice warrior is admirable. That should not be focal point of your desire to attend Columbia. Try to present at least 3 things that you value about attending the school. Aside from the social inclusiveness, talk about the educational factor, which is the foremost reason you will be attending the college for. Then include a statement about the educational programs, both social and academic that shows the students that they have value in the world. Internship programs or professors known to be helpful to diverse students would be a good aim to include as a value that led you to Columbia. Even better, why not look into your own personal values and try to highlight something about that in relation to Columbia's student community or faculty? You have a very strong social reason for valuing Columbia. Balance it out with another value. There is no need for the opening statement because the direct answer lies in the Columbia Queer Alliance. All you have to do is add a personal or academic value to the statement to create a balanced response.

Undergraduate / My academic record is a mirror of myself [2]

Jay, you should be saying that the grades reflected in your academic record are NOT an accurate representation of you as a student. That is because, as you said, the grades do not reflect the hard work that you put into obtaining it. The use of the class that you almost dropped is the perfect example and discussion point for this response. All of the ease of study points do not reflect the hard work you put into the classes where you do not excel. Therefore, I believe that your response should focus more on the class where you struggled because that is not reflected in the high grade that you received at the end of the semester. That exemplifies the "Is not an accurate representation of you as a student" part of the prompt. I would leave the "ease of study" discussion for the concluding part of the essay. Discussing that as the realization that a grade that gives you a sense of self worth is not the grade that you got easily, but the one that you had to struggle to achieve.

Undergraduate / If You could have any career, what would it be? (technology) [2]

Jay, this is a pretty good response. It lays the foundation for your interest in code. However, it doesn't tell the reviewer what sort of code related career you plan to be involved in. The way I see it, you can be involved in any of the following careers:

1. Full Stack Web Developer
2. Back End Systems
3. UI/UX Developer
4. Database developer / Database Administrator
5. Dev Ops
6. Desktop Developers
7. Embedded Engineers
8. Statistical Modelers
9. Healthcare Informatics

Based upon your current and previous experience with coding, and your idea as to where your career path should start off the minute you graduate, you will have to pick one specialization from the above list. The prompt is asking you for a specific career path so you need to inform the reviewer of a title / occupation along with your explanation about your interest say, a specific coding COURSE (not COARSE). You need to do some research in the coding field / available jobs so you can accurately respond to this question. Your explanation about the activities you have participated in and the coding languages you have studied doesn't really explain what career you will have. Pick a career and use that for the response. You can always switch majors later on. Right now, you just have to provide the correct response in order to be considered for admission to the university.

Essays / The incident reporting system - a small essay which I should transmit tonight. [4]

Alicia, , reading through your essay, I cannot help but feel that the information provided is incomplete. For example, in the first paragraph, you indicated that the form is to be used to point out critical problems in the performance of your duties. Then for some reason, you separate the information that the data collected will not result in penalties. That should be merged at the end of the first paragraph. However, even after you do that, there is no clear thesis statement for the essay. What is the purpose of the research you are doing? After the data is collected in this manner, what do you hope to achieve? There is no response to that question, which is a logical question arising from the presentation.

In the portion about major awareness, try to give an example of the type of problem that you hope to collect using this system and the type of intervention that may be applied to it. This will help to illustrate the solving of critical issues or the improvement of daily services to the patient. In line with that, your paragraph 4 does not make any sense. I know it is written in English but the logic behind the presentation is lost. There is a lack of coherence in the paragraph that leaves the reader wondering about what this paragraph is about or how it applies to the research you are doing. Merge the paragraph below it in order to create a somewhat clearer foundation for the paragraph. Make sure you follow the grammar rules, you started a sentence in lower case which is prohibited in academic writing.

Now, having provided the objectives, description, and methods used to the reader, you also need to present a summarized version of the results in order to tie all the information together. Basically, you have a strong draft that only needs to have its supporting information strengthened. Unfortunately, I am not familiar with the research you are doing or your required information. That is why I am unable to edit the content for you by adding useful information to your work in order to help you arrive at a satisfying conclusion. Don't worry though, I am sure you will be able to polish this research paper by tonight if you follow the instructions I provided above.

Essays / The incident reporting system - a small essay which I should transmit tonight. [4]

Alicia, if you are looking for a professional editing service with a quick turn around time, I strongly suggest that you look into our services link. We also do professional editing of papers by arrangement. The link for your consideration can be found above. If you would be satisfied with a free editing of your paper based on various input from members of the forum though, then just post your paper here so everyone, contributors and users alike, can participate in it's editing. You can take what applies and ignore what doesn't apply to your paper. The choice is yours to make. Rest assured that you will recieve help with your paper regardless of the editing procedure you choose. Since you have a short due date though, you may want to seriously consider our services to save you on time.

Research Papers / Eng 102 research paper on the recent decline of nurses [2]

Cammie, the information in this essay is heavy on the theoretical side but not informative at all on the data side. Where is the information that shows the downward trend in the nursing occupation? What is the ratio for nurse to patient? How about informing the reader about the ratio of male to female nurses nationwide or statewide? In order to convince the reader that your argument regarding the decline in nurses is valid, you need to present the aforementioned information as part of the analytical and trending data. You offer solutions to the problem within the realm of the discussion you provide. However, you need to prove that the trend is indeed on the decline by using gathered data. I hope you are planning to do research regarding the percentage rate of decline based on a number preset factors. You may need to interview employment agencies, hospital HRD staff, nursing students, nurse practitioners, and some other nurse representatives who can help shed more light and current information regarding the decline you are supposed to be proving in the essay. This is not a simple essay, it requires interviews, surveys, and research in order to create a solid presentation of your discussion topic.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of U.K. university students in England who were capable to speak different languages [3]

Louis, even without the chart included in this essay. I can authoritatively tell you that you will get a failing score for this essay because you wrote less than the required 150 words. You only wrote 142 words, which means that accurate scoring considerations cannot be made for your essay. It fails on all 4 scoring points because your discussion is not accurately developed nor informative for the reader. Had you provided a sample of the illustration, which is a requirement at this forum for any student who wants a Task 1 essay review, I would have been able to show you how to improve upon this essay. Unfortunately, you did not upload it so I have to stop with this general review, that is highly accurate since you did not pass the test on the word count criteria alone.

Graduate / SOP for Masters in Computer Science with Machine Learning Specialization [2]

Zahil, try to create a more purpose driven essay. After all, this is supposed to be a Statement of Purpose instead of a Personal Statement. There are a number of paragraphs that you can use for the basis of your revised essay which will be discarding the unnecessary paragraphs and information. You can build a new, purpose driven essay by enhancing your statements in paragraphs 1,3 (skipping the first 3 sentences due to irrelevance), 4,5,6,7. You should also try to better explain the purpose of your desire to study at this university. What is it about the curriculum or training in particular that you hope to undergo in order to enhance your theoretical and practical abilities in the performance of your job? This serves as the purpose for your studies at the university and will help to showcase your desire to begin improvements in your workplace even before you complete your education. Your current discussion of why you want to be a part of the university is not very compelling nor convincing as it is very generic in statement and could apply to just about any university. So you need to be more specific in this area of discussion by using actual references to training programs, classes, and professors that you wish to learn from.

Scholarship / My plan to pursue my masters degree in US be scholarship. [2]

Naseer, I find the first 3 paragraphs to be highly uninteresting to read. You have gone into so much historical detail that it makes me wonder why you are wasting so much space on that discussion. The first 3 paragraphs should be revised in order to comprise just a single, informative, and interesting paragraph presentation. You need to be more specific about your study objectives in the context of the historical under development of the country. That should be a whole paragraph unto itself, but should not be a historical lecture as it is now. The essay will be stronger if you address how your training proved to be insufficient due to the historical nature of the urban planning development of the city / country. These will help to prove the relevance of your masters studies and its applicability upon your return. If possible, lay out a tentative urban planning project for yourself. It should be along the line of a thesis proposal that shows the type of research that you will be inclined to do during your stint as a masters student.

Scholarship / Leadership position and what I did individually to make a change [4]

Ameh, in order to have the desired effect, you need to change the slant of the essay. Rather than opening with joining the team as a fourth year student, open with your leadership role as a fifth year student instead. You can simply say:

I became the chairman of the JETS club (Junior Engineers, Technicians, and Scientists Club) during my fifth year in high school. The club focused on developing STEM skills among the students enrolled in the specialized high school field. As the chairman, I vowed to make changes to the club that would help highlight the participation of females in the field. I found the female student participation to be low. I was quite disturbed by this and sought to address...

Please take note of how I revised the statement to a certain degree that highlights your leadership role, the problem, and how you solved it. That is all you have to do in these instances. You do not need to present a second role if it is not truly a leadership role. Take the real leadership role and highlight it in the best way that you can. The prompt is not asking for numerous samples of leadership, it is asking for only one strong example from the past 5 years. This example is a true response to that requirement.

Writing Feedback / Some school have special course for sports while others do not provide any of the kind. [5]

YU- HSIN, what is the prompt that you are responding to? I can sense that this is supposed to be an IELTS response essay. However, without the original prompt, it is impossible to review your paper for content and possible scoring. That is my guideline in determining your writing quality and your ability to express yourself in English. Kindly provide the prompt as soon as you can so that a more thorough assessment of your essay may be provided. By the way, I saw a glaring problem with your essay right off the bat. Please be conscious of the English sentence development rules that dictate that all first words in a sentence must be capitalized, along with all nouns in a sentence presentation. The connecting word "And" cannot be used to start a sentence either. As of now, I can only assess the formatting situation of your essay. If you supply the complete prompt, I might be able to come back and assess the content of your essay as well.

Essays / Compare/Contrast news story from the last year to historical event/era before the 1500s [2]

Hi Jeff, you could probably reference the Islamic invasion of India in reference to the Egypt events. This massacre is considered the biggest in the history of India with over 400 million Hindus killed in 1560. A good starting point for your research would be themuslimissue.wordpress/2015/08/31/islamic-invasion-of-india-the-greatest-genocide-in-history/

I don't want you to take that as a legitimate source of information since it is an open blog. Rather, I would like you to read the article, take what ideas that you can, and research the material through academic and legitimate sources accordingly. It may be a bit of a stretch to research but I am confident that you will be able to find the material that you need. What with the internet information available and the library sources you have at your fingertips, I am sure that with patience and perseverance, you will get this paper done. The site I gave you is a good starting point. Use it wisely.

Research Papers / Addressing an issue in my country with my degree choice [2]

Ameh, paragraph 2 is actually irrelevant to the prompt question. Your paragraphs 1, 3, and 4 are actually more appropriate as a response to the question. What you should do is further expand on the explanation regarding how your training in this field will help you enhance and highlight the participation of women in the workplace or STEM field in your country. You should give the female employment issue a strong presentation in a stand alone paragraph. After that, the idea of training women on the job should be further discussed as well as part of your response to the community benefit prompt. You have the beginnings of a strong response here. You just need to strengthen the two discussion topics I pointed out in order to prove that your degree will not only empower you within your career, but that it also has community benefits / participation potential as well.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: opinions of male and female members about a city sports club. [3]

Huy , you neglected to upload the table image that you were given to assess for the writing part of this analysis essay. I cannot really consider the essay that you wrote appropriate at this point because I do not have the image to compare it with. The major requirement that our forum has for the task 1 essay review is that you have to include the illustration for our review. A general word of advice for your essay development though. Don't write only 2 sentences. Don't try to get by using different punctuation marks. There is only one punctuation mark that is your friend in this essay and that is the period. The period allows you to develop simple and complex sentences which increases two important scoring points in the essay, the C&C and the GRA score. Right now your presentation is limited in abilities and can be improved. I just can't point out the specific improvement points because of the missing illustration.

Undergraduate / What's the probability of existing? Make something out of it! [4]

Isabella , this personal statement is highly interesting but focused on one too many topics. I am not sure if this is the right way to go because a personal statement usually focuses on the development of your interest in a particular field and the university. Then again, that is the basic definition of a personal statement. If the university has a specific personal statement prompt that you are responding do, I need to know what it is so that I can counter check the content of your essay with the requirements of the university. I am wondering though if you are not repeating information that is more relevant in other common app prompts. Try not to repeat information constantly in your essays because university reviewers really do not like reading repetitive information. Like you said, this is a draft version so it has room for improvement. I would focus on creating a shorter, but more informative essay at this point. Without any repetition.

Undergraduate / Alone at home. This is the Intro to a very personal UC admissions essay. [6]

Foo, this is a severely under developed response essay. You have 650 words to present the introduction to the challenge, the effect of the challenge upon you, and how you overcame it. Each aspect can be covered in 2 paragraphs each because of the word allotment. So you can still develop this essay in terms of discussion points. You have a pretty good start to the essay. I am assuming that this is only the draft of the opening paragraph and not your actual response yet. I need to read how you overcame this social anxiety that you felt. Describe how it affected you emotionally and socially. Then discuss your turning point. What brought it on? How did you cope from that point? When did you realize you had overcome the social anxiety? How are you now? What lesson would you say you took away from that period of your life? Your response to those questions should help you to create a more significant response to the prompt.