Writing Feedback / writing task 2 : some people think universities should make sport a compulsory module on all degree [6]

Alimin, you have not properly discussed the essay. Your understanding of the prompt requirement is faulty. You chose to discuss the impact of having a sports module in classes rather than discussing an "extent" essay. The correct paraphrase is as follows:

Universities have seen a rise in the overweight population of their students. That is why there have been suggestions that the colleges should implement a mandatory sports course in all their college majors. I fully agree with this statement for a number of reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.

For starters, students will be healthier if they are forced to play sports while at school. This is because...

While some of your discussions are aligned with the prompt, the rest of the presentation does not apply. It is difficult to understand your presentation due to problems with your basic English grammar skills. I strongly advise you to seek English tutoring in this aspect. Enroll in online English writing classes if necessary. Do not use the free programs because you need help with the basics and the free courses cannot help you with that. Additionally, do not get used to using grammarly for your writing grammar needs. You won't have access to that program on exam day so don't get used to it. Do not use it even for practice tests because you will not be able to function without it on the exam day itself. Just develop your grammar skills in a natural manner. That way you won't feel lost on exam day and you don't have access to your support system.

Writing Feedback / Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people [4]

Umu, here is what I took from an analysis of your essay presentation. You did understand what the prompt is asking you to discuss. The problem, is that you do not even have a basic knowledge of the English language upon which you could have built a simple discussion of the essay topic. Knowing this, you did the next best thing, you used an online translator to respond to the essay. You typed in your native tongue then had the translator do the work of turning your mother tongue into the English language. Which is why you have the worst kind of presentation possible for your essay staring at us now. Based on this presentation, I would say that your score would be broken down as follows:

TA - 2 - You tried to present some ideas but had no idea how to develop the statement
C&C - 1 - You failed to convey any message in your statements.
LR - 2 - You show no control over word formation
GRA - 3 - You attempt to form sentences but there is no meaning behind the developed sentence presentation.

Your overall score will not be higher than a 2. This is a failed attempt at Task 2 essay writing.

Undergraduate / University of Washington Coalition essay: "Tell a story from your life..." [3]

Zhu, a true character building event in your life needs to replace the story that you are telling here. There is no development of your character in the story aside from a short mention of you thinking that you were judgemental of the special needs female. Think of this essay in terms of the more popular common app prompt regarding an experience that connects with your failure. how you dealt with it, and what you learned about yourself from it. That is the better and easier to understand explanation for the approach to this prompt. As the reviewer, I need to know who you were before, why you entered into this situation, what happened during your time in it, how that affected you, and who you are today in terms of character or mindset that evolved from that experience. The story you told doesn't carry any meaning for the reader. Maybe you just did not present it properly. Regardless, the story you chose was not strong to begin with. So think of some other life changing event that led you to develop a stronger character in order to deal with the events that unfolded.

Undergraduate / State educational and career goals and the reason for choosing your major [4]

Alejandro, The overall essay is strong. It clearly depicts the goals that you have set for yourself with regards to your chosen future career. However, there is a lack of certainty when it comes to the foundation of your career. One thing that the reviewers strongly disapprove of are exaggerations in the essays such as your claim of being a toddler when you first realized you had a knack for building things. Since you were too young to even know that this was something that could be turned into a career at that age, it is nothing but a flight of fancy or playtime for you. It should not be in the essay. Your educational goal is clear. You want to own your own company in the future, but a "concrete" company? What exactly do you mean? Do you plan to just build bricks for a living in the future? Also, you do not "begging" your upperclassmen studies, you "begin" it. Don't use the term "upperclassmen", it makes it sound like you are joining a military school. Just say you will "begin relevant class studies and training" if you want to be specific about the academic activities you will be undertaking.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay About My Friend That Moved - event that sparked a new understanding of myself [3]

Kevin, by the time I finished reading this essay, I wanted to ask if Ethan could come in for an interview. As an admissions officer, I would have liked to get to know more about you, instead of Ethan. More than half this essay is about Ethan and his abilities, qualities, superhuman traits, and other things. There was very little about you that did not relate to him directly. The whole point of the essay is to ask you to look at yourself from the point of view of another person. Look at yourself as a bystander, not as the person himself.

What was the realization here? That you missed Ethan and had cornered yourself into an unhealthy friendship with him? Nope. That is not what you should be portraying. That you branched out and began to develop new friendships that ran just as deep as your friendship with Ethan? Now you're talking. I want to read less about Ethan and more about how you learned how to cultivate friendships after he left that was just as important as your friendship with him.

Revise the essay to show a simple, healthy relationship between two males. Don't border on the obsessive as you do now. Just talk about the friendship in simple "best-friend" terms. Then discuss how you learned that you had somehow limited yourself to simply the friendship the two of you had and you realized that was not very good for you as a social person. So you worked towards building new, lasting, and important friendships aside from the one you had with Ethan. That will be the "period of personal growth" section of the essay and the new friendships, which you will have to explain with regards to its difference from your friendship with Ethan, will be your "new understanding of yourself and others".

Scholarship / AN ESSAY ON CREATING A PROJECT FOR A SCHOLARSHIP [4]

Tardawi, the name of your club is too generic. It is not interesting at all and does not identify the objective of the club you are creating. Simply calling is the "Social Club" does not mean anything. It sounds like a party club rather than a socio-civic organization. Try to come up with a more interesting and relevant name for your club. It could be a term from your vernacular language that translates to something of value in English. That would give the club an interesting angle for the reader.

Next, you do not write a demand letter to the dean. You write a letter of request. As a student, a foreign student at that, you are not in a position, nor do you have the capacity to demand anything of the university or department heads. You can request for the recognition of your club based upon certain factors such as a civic need or a unique club meant for a particular field of interest or type of membership.

The weakest part so far in your essay is that you failed to consider the funding for your club. The projects you are willing to undertake as an organization requires money to fulfill. Yet you do not have any fund raising ideas presented in order to help see your club projects become a reality. You cannot ask for help from a friend if that friend is not a student at the school.

From the way I read your essay, it sounds like you did not spend much time analyzing your presentation and thinking of the specifics attached to it. You just wrote the essay based on an impossible plan. It is something you concocted to impress the reviewer instead of to show the reviewer that you have a sense of logic and reasoning when it comes to planning things. The point of this prompt is to test your abilities in terms of logic and reasoning. Sadly, you did not good a job of representing that skill of yours.

Undergraduate / Macalester is a community that includes people from many different backgrounds [3]

Maddy, your essay is creating a racial divide on paper. You are only looking at the small picture here in relation to your own race and discriminatory situation as based on your home country experiences. That is not going to be the case in the USA. You will be dealing with a diverse but inclusive college community that looks for peace and harmony across all races and nationalities. In this instance, your essay sounds like you are not going to be all inclusive in your participation in the Mac community.

Academically, you may wish to collaborate with your classmates regardless of their background, but personally, you have just placed a divide between you and the rest of of the community as you focus on solely the Indo-Pak conflict even when you are in a country whose population is not directly involved in the conflict between India and Pakistan.

You need to leave all racial and discriminatory discussions at the door and instead, focus on your experieve as MUCWI scholar. Talk about that experience (without the conflict involved) and what made it memorable. What was the positive side of that experience and how can you help to spread the same positive experience among the diverse population of Mac? That should be the more acceptable discussion for this prompt.

Scholarship / "Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out". Chevening - Networking Question [2]

Mariam, while I do not belittle your networking skill that you developed while working as a TED translator, it is not the sort of networking skill that the Chevening program will consider usable or possibly worthy of integration into their currently existing network of professionals and country leaders. Volunteer work is admirable but in this case, not really applicable to the needs of the scholarship foundation. What you need to present is the information about how this network of translators has helped you reach some achievements in your line of work. What makes this translator network a true professional network in your mind?

You are merely describing the editing process of a TED video. Anybody will tell you that the editing process does not translate into a professional network. Unless, you started an organization of professional editors whom you have cultivated into professional contacts that can help you promote yourself in your line of work or promote others within the field as a form of professional networking.

In the end, the weakest point of this essay is the lack of a true professional network that can be used to promote Chevening in the future and also, allow you to mentor future Chevening scholars or assist them with their future career development. Remember, the existing network of graduate scholars will be at your disposal, should you become a grantee, to help you advance you career during your studies and after you complete the masters program. It looks like you will not be able to do the same for those who will come after you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Bar chart - Population distribution in the Northwest region (1900 to 2050) [8]

Tran, there are a number of factors that led me to the conclusion that you cannot score any higher than a 4 with this essay. The first, is that your overview statement is incomplete. It does not include the main points for discussion along with the discussion instruction. Next, although you wrote a little over the minimum word count, there was no evidence of true analytical skills being portrayed in your presentation. The information provided includes only the obvious information from the chart. Finally, your sentence count varies in the overall presentation. Stick to the minimum 3 sentence presentation at all times. You do not even meet the maximum 5 sentence count in most instances.

The correct overview presentation is as follows:

A bar graph has been provided for comparison purposes. The rural, suburban, and urban population data of the Northwest region covering the years of 1900, 1950, 2000, including a population projection for the year 2050 was included in the presentation. The general trend of the chart shows that the urban population is the most likely to grow over the given period of time. This essay will now summarize the rest of the given information, allowing for a comparison discussion whenever required.

What information was lacking from your overview? The information for comparison, a clarified presentation of the years involved in the discussion, and the instructions regarding how the analyzed information is to be presented. If you can improve the presentation of information in paragraph 1, then your TA score should be enough to pull up the score to at least a passing level. Right now, your TA score is not higher than a 4 and that affected the overall presentation in the essay. So you scored the same on all counts.

Always look for comparison points within the essay. It does not have to be for the same descriptive information such as "the same urban percentage". As long as the percentages as similar, regardless of the point of similarity, then it should be presented in the essay as part of the deeper analysis presentation. For example, you could have said;

It should be noted that there were similar figures of 20% for the suburban and rural populations during the years of 1950 and 2000 respectively.

Such a statement shows that you took the time to truly look for comparison points as instructed by the original prompt directions. Missing elements such as these will result in a lower score because you only presented the most obvious comparison points in the essay.

Scholarship / I am capable of more than I thought I was - leader with networking skills [3]

Jennifer, college related leadership skills do not embody your ability to truly lead a team of adults and professionals in your line of work. The Chevening assessment team is looking for people with exemplary leadership skills in the workplace. The reason that the leadership skill needs to be profession related is simple, Chevening is looking for people who have the ability to effect a change in the leadership of their country, either on a social (work) or political scale. These sorts of people are easily determined based upon the natural leadership ability within a workplace. They know how to lead and inspire people to achievements that make a difference. Your academic leadership skills show you potential to be that sort of leader, but also tells the reviewer that you are not ready to be a leader in the true sense of the word yet. Therefore, this essay, though emotional and well developed, does not portray the skills and abilities that would call your application to the attention of the reviewer. Revise the essay to focus on your professional leadership and influencing skills instead. Delete this essay from your files as you cannot use it for the intended use.

As the forum has a one essay per thread policy, I am advising you only on the first essay in this list. You will need to post the second essay as a separate thread in order to receive advice on it. Kindly remove the second essay from this list in order to avoid violating the forum rules. Thank you.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay on Study in UK - I wanted to develop my country through the airport industry [3]

sfrgsn in the paragraph for the first university, you said that the course covers all the topics that you need. Yet you do not explain how you will be applying these studies in the future based upon the problems of your airport industry. I understand that you gave a highly comprehensive explanation in the opening statement. However, you are still required by the prompt to explain the future applicability of the course you are interested in studying. Without that reference, the paragraph information comes across as incomplete. Additionally, in the last university course. I believe that you did not properly format the closing paragraph. You accidentally attached it to the university discussion paragraph. So just separate the portion that starts with "Learning certain things..." as that sounds like the closing paragraph for the essay. After you complete these two changes, the essay should be ready for submission.

Scholarship / Networking Essay for Chevening - Network is a train to success [2]

Nattawat, I can see from your essay that your network is not as extensive as you make it appear to be. That is why you tried to cover up the fact by trying to draw the attention of the reviewer to other aspects of discussion such as your belief in the importance of networking and how it should be based on confidence an influence rather than the building of useful professional contacts. Since I saw right through to the weakness of your essay, you can bet that the reviewer will see more than what I saw when he reads your essay.

He will know that you do not have the kind of networking that you imply that you have because you only refer to one instance of creating a network and that was when you were a speaker at the convention. If you do not have any other professional networking reference, then this is a networking essay that is not as strong and competitive as it should be. However, it is better than not having any network to speak of. Therefore, this is an acceptable networking discussion. It is not strong nor competitive but it gets the requirements for the scholarship application done.

What your essay has going for it is the fact that I can feel your honest desire to achieve something and return the graciousness of the scholarship foundation if you should be awarded a grant. So maybe, just maybe, this essay can work for your application.

With that said, I would like to add that if you can add at least one or two more work related networking instances, and prove that those networks still work to your professional benefit up till today, then the essay just might get an increased chance for consideration.

Essays / Special circumstances that affect your family's ability to fund your college expenses [7]

Yes, you have to list all the financial obligations of your family, including the average individual and combined income of your parents. That is because when you apply for a scholarship or student aid, the university needs to know the exact capacity of your parents to shoulder at least a portion of your tuition and other fees in relation to your studies. For example, can they at least answer for your rent if you live off campus, and whether or not they can afford to pay for the miscellaneous fees entailed with your enrollment. You can't simply say that they can't afford to pay for your college education. You need to have justifiable reasons as to why they cannot afford to do that. If you already have a sibling in college whose fees they are shouldering 100%, then you have to indicate that as well. I know why this question can be confusing at times but it is a requirement for students who are seeking financial support or sponsorship from the university. There are no tricks up the university sleeve, they just need to be able to properly assess your family's financial capacity to support you as a college student for future purposes.

Scholarship / Horatio Alger Scholarship - Adversity Essay? Does this answer the Prompt concisely? [4]

Daniel, don't discuss the title as a continuation in the actual essay. The title should be just that, a title to interest the reader. It should not be the introductory sentence to the essay. In all honesty, I wasn't impressed by what you wrote. Both stories don't really explain the impact of adversity on your life. A broken oven isn't really an adversity. However, the financial difficulties your family experienced in the form of your mother losing her job and the financial constraints brought about by the illnesses in your family are definitely obstacles you had to overcome. The problem, is that you discussed the growth of your personality as an adult was limited to only 2 run on sentences when it should have been covered by 2 paragraphs instead. The topic presenting your difficulties should have only been one paragraph long. The explanation as to how it affected you and helped you become an adult is what should have been the main presentation in the essay. There is still time to revise your presentation in order to make it better fit the required narrative. I suggest that you do just that.

Scholarship / I met a lot different characteristic of people. Strong Networking Skill For Master Application [2]

Diga, you should focus on developing your networking presentation based upon the second paragraph of your essay. It seems to me that you had an opportunity to create a strong network, in relation to your profession through the fulfillment of your duties as a health promotion officer. Describe these networks in terms of how they helped you perform your duties, what their relevance is to the health system of your country, and how you have managed to grow that network from its original to other referrals that could help you better the service of the health system in your country. Explain how you continue to use this network today. Then focus on explaining how Chevening can benefit from your existing network in terms of its past and future scholars. That way you fulfill the requirement as to how you can justify the strength of your network in consideration of Chevening requirements and considerations.

Scholarship / Posessing great networking skills is like a treasure, and it's the key to knowing people [8]

Asmaa, unfortunately, your presentation is not strong enough to represent a professionally developed network. Aside from the severe grammar problems that hinder the understanding of your presentation by the reader, the fact that these networks were created during your academic years but not continuously cultivated resulted in a disconnected networking activity on your part. Chevening does not require simple, word of mouth referrals for its network, as you implied in your essay. It requires strong, professional, and notable network connections, developments, and usage. It has to be relevant to your field of work because Chevening will be considering how well your network might serve yourself and the other Chevening graduates and future scholars within the same occupation. If you cannot make a significant contribution to the growth of the aforementioned network, then, you will not have an impressive networking skill and essay to present.

Scholarship / The chevening program will shape me to be a better leader [2]

Lauretta, your essay is strongest when it focuses on the presentation of the development of your leadership and influencing skills. That is good because the concentration of the Chevening leadership essay is your professional ability instead of your socio-civic ability. So, while your membership in the socio-civic organization is admirable, it does not fall under the required professional parameters and should be removed from the presentation. Additionally, the reference to your mother at the start of the essay is misplaced. While I can understand how she might have influenced your mindset, the reference to her does not have a direct professional connection to your work. Therefore, it is only word filler and wastes the time of the reviewer. Specially since it is at the start of the essay, where you should instead, be reeling in the reviewer with a strong hook. Something that is best accomplished by your paragraph 2. Open with the 2nd paragraph instead for maximum impact. Expand upon your influencing skills in these instances because that is the sometimes missing or weak element in the overall presentation. That should have the equal exposure in the essay on the same level as your leadership abilities. The fact that the early role you played as a CSO resulted in a promotion to a leadership position on your part is what makes it a strong hook in the essay and also, clearly defines your leadership style and early abilities. Once you refocus the essay on the strongest points for presentation, everything else will fall into place for your leadership and influencing discussion.

Research Papers / The Right to Euthanasia. Feel free to give any response for this Sentence Outline! [2]

Angela, your proposed discussion outline is clearer than the thesis statement that you wrote. I am highly confused as to what the point of your research paper is since my first impression was based upon the thesis statement that was presented in the essay. Let's have a look at why the thesis statement is confusing in presentation.

It seems like the thesis statement is lacking a topic sentence at the start. The sentence "In order to avoid..." would imply that you had a previous explanation of the topic for research. An introductory sentence might say. Instead, the presentation started in the middle. The sentence that opens it should actually be a second sentence in the paragraph because it provides reasons for something that should have been previously presented. Next, you say that Euthanasia will prevent the disbursement of money and resources. Money and resources to what? Why should that be prevented?

There are 2 missing justifications in your thesis statement that should be present before the quality of life presentation. Reflect the missing portions and edit the presentation to be clearer and your thesis statement should finally make sense to the reader.

Writing Feedback / There are many reasons why people should choose a specified job [4]

Lu, your opening paraphrase is incomplete as it does not satisfy the presentation of the original information. This paragraph should be at least 3 sentences long in order to pass the proper paragraph format for this essay. Here's a sample:

Some people say that earning well is important when it comes to work. Others insist that job satisfaction is the more important factor to consider. In this essay, I will discuss my personal opinion regarding the given statement.

You have a problem with coherence and cohesiveness in all your paragraphs. You are presenting unrelated information without using transition sentences. A clear example of this can be found in paragraph 2 (for starters) where you said that people need high salaries because it is important to their lives. You mention medical care as an example of this. However, you go from simple illness that require simple medication to medical surgery, without transitioning from simple to complex examples. Then, without fully explaining those reasons, you suddenly talk about needing money to buy anything they want. Then you close by talking about a high quality of life.

You need to learn to justify your discussions using one reason per paragraph. That is the only way you can score higher in the C&C portion of the essay. The way you have the essay written at the moment, the highest you can score in the C&C section is 2. Just as your TA score will only be a 3 for similar reasons.

Your main areas of concern and future improvement are the TA and C&C sections. It would be in your best interest to focus on making better presentations of those areas in your upcoming essays. When you improve those 2 sections, the remaining scoring factors should also improve.

Undergraduate / This is University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign application essay. [3]

Abhishek, what is the word limitation on this essay? It is rushed, does not fully respond to the prompt, and seems to only respond in a shallow method to the response. It is important that you spend the first part of the essay, say the first paragraph, presenting the development of your interest in medicine. This could be represented by the fact that your father suffers from Polio. Learning how preventable his illness was should have been the catalyst for your interest in a medial career. The more personal the reason, the more relevant it becomes in your essay. The digits about the number of Nepalese suffering from a particular interest is not of use in your essay because that doesn't really help to describe how you have explored this interest. In fact, that information is missing from your essay.

As a potential medical student, you must show that this is an interest that you have been cultivating throughout your social and academic life. Simply taking AP classes isn't enough to justify your preparation for your studies in this field. The reviewer will be looking for relevant volunteer activities, seminars attended, internships, or part time work in clinics that can help to imply that you have some sort of amateur medical background. Even being a a part time hospital volunteer would help to justify that.

Right now, the essay is only partially responding to the prompt. It needs to be revised in terms of presentation and a change of information presented in order to create a stronger idea as to how you have pursued this interest both in and out of the classroom. A more focused and relevant response based on proper information should do the trick. Review your credentials and relevant experience, figure out which ones can best help to represent your abilities as required by the essay.

Scholarship / To write about my networking skills and explain with examples to meet Chevening requirement [3]

Sona, of all the information that you have presented in this essay, there are only 2 points of value that you should focus on in order to present a strong and influential networking essay. Please take note of the changes, focus on developing those areas, and make sure that you explain your networking skills fully in those areas so that you can have the strongest possible networking essay.

Discuss how you create a usable network for World Vision Armenia. In order to make the network more general but still important in concept, remove the reference to prayer in the paragraph. Instead, offer an insight into your current position at the organization. Explain what sort of network you have to provide in line with your tasks. Discuss the current network that you have and then, explain how you continue to cultivate and grow that network.

Having completed that, you must jump to the discussion as to how you created and used a network that led you to connect with Vardan Haroyan. Now, make sure that Vardan will be available to be interviewed by the scholarship regarding his relationship with you because he will be essential to the highlighting of your application. He is the basis for your future Chevening network and will be one of the reasons as to why you can become an effective mentor to the future graduates.

You are too focused on the religious aspect of society. Since Chevening is not a religious organization and the scholarship does not prioritize religious applicants over the others, avoid any mention or reference to religion. That is something that could work against your application if it comes across someone who does not appreciate religious references. Instead, discuss how your meeting with Vardan and your existing network of professional contacts will be able to help you promote Chevening and its interests, along with the needs of its future scholars once you are finally a member of the Chevening sponsored graduate roster.

Scholarship / Specified program choice. Does the content stand comprehensive in regard to the prompt? [5]

Memduh, your essay is strong in terms of explaining the reasons why you chose these university choices and your related experience. However, there is no opening discussion that explains how your academic background has laid out a foundation for you to be able to perform the tasks required to learn these lessons over the course of a year. What relevant college classes did you take or what applicable seminars have you attended that you feel have prepared you for the demands that these studies will make of you? That should be your opening paragraph / explanation.

In the first course choice, you did not manage to create a connection between that course and its future application in your workplace. You mentioned it as having a connection with your past experience. The reader also wants to know how it will apply to your future workload, just as you explained for the remaining 2 course choices.

I know, there is a 500 word requirement, so you will need to figure out how you can revise your very informative and intricate course choice explanations in order to fit all of the required information into the essay. Overall, good work. Just develop it further in order to create a stronger statement. Remove the reference to leadership at the end of your closing paragraph. That creates a redundancy with your leadership essay.

Undergraduate / Mount Holyoke Prompt: Why Holyoke? [3]

Muskan, when you say that the college has excelled in sciences, you must indicate some of the achievements in that field attributed to the college. Who are the alumni of the university that work in medicine who inspired you to apply to the university? The problem with indicating feats and alumni in any college essay is that it will challenge you to go beyond the popular information about the university and the information from the website. You will now need to research information about these women who excelled in these fields, note their achievements, and then mention them as specific reasons as to "Why Mount Holyoke?" The same goes for the 5 college consortium. You know what it is called, you know what the program offers. Next, you need to justify how these colleges and programs integrate into your study plans. That will be an additional reason for your desire to attend the university. Your student organization discussion is severely lacking in development. Remove the reference to your needing financial aid in order to attend the university. That is not their problem. That is something you should save for your foreign student aid scholarship application essay. It does not suit the prompt that you are responding to at the moment.

Writing Feedback / The essay about nature and nurture kind of talent [4]

Akerke, your thesis statement isn't really clear to the reader. You need to clarify what the thesis statement for your essay is. There is a lack of preciseness in the method by which you open you essay. Will this be a comparison discussion? Or will it be a solely personal opinion essay based upon the 2 sides for discussion. By the way, that stand alone sentence between your opening paragraph and the next complete paragraph is out of place. That should be a part of the first paragraph and not a solo sentence without a purpose in between two discussion points.

This essay, should be discussed in a manner far more thorough and longer than the existing presentation. Each topic must be given its own paragraph or two with which you can better develop your discussions. Take for example your official second paragraph. You used the same paragraph for 2 topic discussions. As a reader I found that I was still unclear about your first point because of the lack of supporting evidence and yet I had to launch into an understanding of a second point, in the same paragraph, which was not well presented either. Therefore, the paragraph did not help increase your discussion points as it create more questions than answers for the reader. That is why you need to discuss each topic as a completely developed paragraph, without making reference to a second point in the same discussion. The second point, should have its own developed discussion as well.

Do not start your sentences with the word "because". That is a connecting term / word which is only used in the middle of a sentence in order to connect 2 separate thoughts relating to the same discussion. Since it is not connecting a thought process at the start of the sentence, you must refrain from using it as an opening word or term.

Scholarship / Leaders are creators of social change. Influence positively on community. [2]

Youssf , remove all but the reference to your current role as a project manager in this essay as a reference to your leadership and influencing ability. Build your statement around the difficulties that you faced in leadership. Offer concrete examples of the obstacles your faced in the completion of the project and how you approached the problem in order to arrive at a solution. Whenever possible, discuss how the team felt and whether or not that had an effect on the overall productiveness in terms of project completion. Explain the steps you took to inspire and influence them into a positive mindset. Show the reader how you professionally handle problematic situations.

The Chevening reviewer is interest only in your professional leadership and influencing abilities. Therefore, all references to competitions, amateur / academic leadership, and your part time job does not apply to this essay. Those are to be removed because these are insignificant parts that do not really offer a professional take on your abilities. Anything in a controlled setting, such as the Red Cross competition, where there were others to assist you in your leadership because they are of a higher rank such as a teacher or mentor, negates the leadership role that you had as you had to seek their approval for your actions. The same goes for the competitions. These are not profession, but rather amateur experiences so it does not qualify as a reference point for your experience. Use only official work related experiences in order to properly address the prompt requirements.

As for the LSME, there is nothing in what you said that leads me to believe that you have done any true leadership activities in the organization aside from helping to co-fund it. So that will not be necessary to present in this essay either.

Undergraduate / Creating something on my own - My College Essay (common app #6) [3]

Hi Jay, Truth be told, your opening statement isn't strong enough to capture the attention of the reader. Neither does it directly respond to the prompt as it is expected to do so. You may want to consider a stronger statement that responds to the prompt while saying something about yourself at the onset. You could develop something similar to this for your opening statement:

Legos, wood, metal, circuitry, glue gun. I stare at these items on my construction table. Wondering what my prolific imagination will inspire me to build next. I lay the circuit board before me and pick up the soldering gun. I hear a soft hiss as it makes contact with the wiring on the circuit board... While my family enjoys Sunday morning football in the family room, I am tucked away in our garage workshop, about to get lost in a world of imaginative creation for the rest of the day. My focus is solely on the parts before me, a mess of items that, by the end of the day, will take on the shape and form of something inspired by the 6000 piece Lego model box, or a piece of machinery straight out of an engineering workbook. My family does not consider my habit of locking myself in a workshop all day tinkering with intricate electronic, plastic, and metal parts on a weekend strange. Even as I take a break to spend some time with them in the family room, they acknowledge who I truly am. A person who knows how to balance the rest of his life with his passion in life. I am a builder.

There is a distinct difference between what we each wrote. You are telling the reviewer about being a builder in a long, descriptive manner. What the essay needs, is a direct to the point, but creative and engaging narration. You need to respond to the question in your opening statement rather than dragging the response into your second paragraph. Concise responses are always appreciated.

Describe a topic you find so engaging...
I responded to that in the first paragraph in a manner that moves the story along. It is not just a description, it is a story that takes places within the screen.

Does this activity captivate you enough to make you lose track of time?
Start your response to this question in the second paragraph. Use the following reference from your essay to answer it:
For me, creating something on my own without a set guide... draws me back every time.

What or who do you turn to?
This portion is not well addressed in your essay. You speak of FB contacts and YT creators and channels. That is good, but not solid. You need to represent an inspirational figure who is some sort of mentor to you. For example. Does your father share your interest in this activity? Mention him as someone who helps you out sometimes. Maybe you can explain how you also approach your brother, since the two of you shared this interest at the start. You need a physical, rather than virtual, mentor figure in this instance.

The closing paragraph that you developed is strong enough. While it can be adjusted for impact, you first need to revise the portions of presentation I have indicated above. The strength of your improved responses should also result in a new take on your closing paragraph. Basically, there are only 3 prompts for discussion in the prompt so, if written properly, your final response should not be more than 4 paragraphs long.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities [9]

Gang, while there was an improvement in the way that you presented this essay, I still noticed that you struggled to write it because of the way you formatted the paragraphs. The overall score for this essay will still be a 6 because of some limitations that you have in your presentation. Let me see... I think the best way to explain to you how to write this essay type is to show you how it should be written. I hope that I will not be insulting you by showing you how I would write this essay below. Here it goes:

There are 2 illustrations presented for review. The illustrations provide the before and after images of an island that was developed for tourism purposes. A number of significant differences between the two images can be noted in the presentations. In this essay, I will describe the differences between the two images based on the before and after illustrations.

Before the island development was completed, the area was just a vast, vacant island located 100 meters from the sea. The only structures on the land mass were composed of scattered Palm trees. The island did not have any other greenery and did not have any residents living in it at the time. An undeveloped beachfront was located at the left most tip of the island. This pristine parcel of land and water was later developed into an impressive beachfront tourist property.

After the development, the beachfront property still had a coastline 100 meters from the sea. The beach water area was developed into a swimming space due to several tourist developments across the island. The property, formerly devoid of residents, now had a pier to welcome the boats of tourists to the island. From the pier, the guests checked in at the reception area before proceeding to one of several hut-like accommodations on the island. Meals were served at the restaurant located at the very back of the island, behind the reception area.

It is notable to mention that the Palm trees that were plentiful before the development were cut down to make way for the buildings and changes to the property. Therefore only a handful of the topiary remained after the construction of the island facilities was completed. Overall, the greens on the island underwent significant changes in order to become tourist ready.

In addition to the structural changes on the island, some road improvements such as footpaths and vehicle tracks were added. This resulted in an island that cannot be identified as similar to the original state presented. All of these were due to the marked tourism improvements made to the area.

Note the method of presentation that I used in the essay. The description was at par with the provided images and it provided information that always applied to the present information. Certain assumptions could be safely made such as tourists arriving by boat because of the addition of the pier and the lack of other possible access routes to the island. Therefore, what should be implied information becomes factual based upon common sense and logic. The full use of the 5 sentences per paragraph allowed for a more complex LR presentation and GRA structure. The score for this sort of presentation will never be lower than a 9.

Graduate / I am writing my Canada Visa SOP. I would like to add the introduction in unique way. [2]

Shirish, you need to change the start of your essay. It carries information that is not relevant to your Canada visa application. Rather than opening it with information about technology and going all the way back to your high school days, open the essay instead with a statement regarding the current status of Data Science or IT in India in relation to your current employment. Discuss your current profession, what your capacity is as an IT or data professional is, who your current employer is, and why you want to earn a masters degree in Canada. Additionally, explain that your company is allowing you to take a year long leave of absence to complete your studies and that you will be returning to the same company once you earn your masters certification.

It is important for you to mention whether or not you have already been admitted into a masters degree course at the University of Regina. If you have not been admitted yet, then indicate when you hope to hear news about your admission to the university. That shows the visa officer that someone on the other end will be taking responsibility for you upon your arrival. In this case, aside from mentioning the university, you will need to explain what kind of accommodations you will have in Canada. Indicate who will be financially responsible for you, where you will be staying, and how you plan to keep yourself financially stable for the duration of your studies without having to become a working student. FYI, don't mention that you plan to apply for scholarships in Canada to fund your studies. That is frowned upon because as a foreign student, you are expected to shoulder your fees and other expenses unless you were pre-awarded a scholarship by the university or you are sponsored by your company for higher education.

Discuss your academic plans and whether or not that includes an internship program under the university course program. Relate how that will help to prepare you for the next step of your career , at the same company that has given you a leave of absence, upon your return to India. After that, indicate that you look forward to having a formal meeting with the visa officer to further discuss the details of your application.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship: LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCING SKILLS FOR BIODIVERSITY CONSERVATION [2]

Rodrigo, only paragraphs 3-6 can be used for this essay. That is the only part where you implied a degree of leadership in a project and an ability to influence people through your own efforts and through leading by example. That is the most inspirational part of your essay so that should be the center of the essay. Open the revised version with paragraph 3 and lead it all the way into the current paragraph 6. From that point, work on a more viable conclusion that relates to the statement in the last paragraph where you say, "As a leader, I must continue..." The other portions that tell the reviewer about your leadership skills should not be in the essay. You need to show your leadership and influencing skills, not describe them. As the prompt instructs: use clear examples of your leadership and influencing skills to support your answer. Therefore, you must show instead of tell. If you wish to reiterate your leadership and influencing traits in the essay, then use your descriptions as part of the narrative instead of making those stand alone statements. These adjustments should take your essay into its most usable format for the application.

Undergraduate / Talking about improving lives in rural India with technology. Want to know if it's any good. [4]

Rachit, leave the FB and Twitter slang at the door. Terms such as "medieval" and "Martian" have no place in an academic essay. Instead, replace those words with "early technology" and "unfamiliar to those in under developed areas". I know that your English vocabulary is influenced by slang words that you pick up from English television shows and social media. Remember, just because Hollywood and social media use the terms does not mean it is an acceptable term in academic circles. The terms that you used are very insulting to the reader because it shows a lack of respect for the very sensitive topi that you are discussing.

Even with those little lexical mistakes though, you have chosen a very impressive problem to try and solve. However, you make it sound like you can resolve the whole situation by yourself, which is not the case. Therefore, it is important that you revise the last part of the essay regarding the solutions to include, not only your software app, but also the contributions that the national and local government have to make in order to bring the internet to the backwoods of India.

Additionally, it is not proper of you to demean your own country by saying it is "underdeveloped". As everyone knows, India is developing as a nation, just not as a rate similar to its counterparts in some instances. Therefore, the correct term to use for describing the country is "Having been born in a developing nation..." Then say that you will go back to work with tech developers and the government in increasing the internet access of currently dead spots in India.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Advertising causing people to impulsively buy things [3]

Kode, I won't be able to properly assess this essay because of the lack of the original prompt requirement. Please remember that all the reviews for the essays are based upon the baseline criteria set by the original prompt. At this point, I only have the topic sentence as a part of the title, but I do not have information about the discussion style and additional information that should be considered in the writing of the essay.

One overall observation that I can make about this essay is the inconsistency in the sentence count per paragraph. You have a tendency to go over the 5 sentence limitation. While it is good for you to write more than the required word minimum, it is important to stay within a controllable limit because of the time constraint. 5 sentences per paragraph is deemed to be the most effective method of writing because it easily allows you a little extra time to revise and edit the essay. You don't have to read too much before you can start editing.

If you want to get the best possible score, you should make sure to avoid long sentences because that limits your ability to show off your English writing skills. By writing short sentences, your paragraphs become more interesting and easier to follow in terms of discussion.

I hope my general review of your essay will be of help to you. I could have offered a more effective review if I had a copy of the original prompt. Maybe you can provide the prompt for your second essay so I can better assess your work for that one. I look forward to reading your upcoming practice essay.

Scholarship / Doing something positive for my community has been my long term personal goal. [4]

Ameh, with a 100 word limit, you are expected to at least develop 50 words for each section, academic and personal. For the personal goals, you need to focus on yourself. Why is it important for you to complete your studies in this field? It can't be just about helping your country and setting up an NGO, what will completing this course mean for your personal development? Who do you think you will be after you complete your studies? How will your success in this line of study make you feel about yourself?

When it comes to the academic side, you need to consider something lower than the masters degree first. Your aim is to complete what? A college degree? A masters? You need to clarify that point. What is the main aim for your academic goal? This is where the NGO discussion comes in. You can say something about working towards a degree that will allow you to help your community and set up the NGO. What classes are you keen on taking that will lead towards the completion of your training so that you can achieve your final ambition of setting up the NGO?

Allowing yourself 50 words per response should allow you to have a more threshed out response to the essay. You will just need to get creative in your presentation so that you can accurately respond to the questions, based upon the provided guide questions, within the allowable word number.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - either you choose the same job as your parents do or enter a new field [4]

Fan, since you did not accurately respond to the prompt provided, you will get a failing score of 1 with this essay. The specific reason for this score is because you have a questionable responsiveness to the task. Why is it questionable? Let's look at the prompt requirement. You were asked to agree or disagree with the statement provided. In your thesis statement and response, you chose to discuss the advantages of each choice. There is a big difference between the prompt instruction you were given and the discussion statement that you provided. The proper response to this in the opening statement should have been:

There is a discussion as to whether or not it is better for children opt to be employed in occupations nearly the same as their parents or if they should take on work that is the exact opposite of their parents job. I believe that (state your opinion). I will be defending my opinion in this essay using reasons and examples based upon my personal opinion and public perception.

After stating your opinion in the opening statement, the rest of your essay should only discuss that opinion and nothing more. The instructions do not require you discuss both opinions in your essay. Only your personal opinion. Since that is not what you did, then you did not accurately respond to the prompt.

It is because of this mistake in your discussion method that you got a failing score with this essay. The TOEFL is more unforgiving of prompt response mistakes. There is only one criteria to base your scoring on, your English comprehension skills. When you prove to not have a proper understanding of the prompt, you will immediately fail the test.

Scholarship / [CHEVENING ESSAY] - Drives Community Transformation Through Leaderships and Influencing skills [2]

Dicky, tell this story in a chronological order. Start from the beginning when you were first assigned as an ambassador for your province. Describe that failure in leadership on your part. That means, stop using the term "we" because this essay does not need to be all inclusive, keep the focus on you so say "I, myself, me" whenever possible. The focus of the essay is not on the team work but rather your work as a leader and your ability to lead and inspire your subordinates. Don't present the Laksa Noodle project anymore. that is too late in the story and does not have enough space to help create an even better impression of yourself as leader and influencer. It would be best if you just focus on the development of your leadership and influencing skill based upon the tourism promotion project. I am wondering though, did you perform this in a professional capacity as in, this was part of your job, or was this just a social undertaking on your part that just happened to have leadership and influencing portions in the fulfillment of your duties? Regardless, the essay will be good and strong if you focus only on that portion and nothing more.

Scholarship / Essay about future leaders or influencers on Chevening Scholarships Program [2]

Sayed, I learned plenty of information about your employer and your job within the ranks. Thank you for introducing your employer and your work responsibilities to me, However, as a reviewer, I am looking for specific narratives that highlight your ability to handle situations that require quick thinking, an ability to delegate tasks successfully, a talent for micromanagement, and a clear indication of how your subordinates admire you to the point that you can easily influence them to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks. Your essay is too heavily theoretical in its presentation of your leadership and influencing skills. It also lacks actual instances highlighting your performance of the two expected traits. You need to revise the essay to be more task specific instead of simply implying that you accomplished leadership and influencing roles because frankly, your presentation sounds like you are only a subordinate trying to sound important, like a leader when the truth is, you are not in a leadership position in your office. A trained reviewer can read your essay in one pass and come to that conclusion easily. Just as I did with this essay. Unless you have verifiable instances of leadership and influencing, all of the information here will not hold water because there is no way to verify your blurred claims to leadership and influencing skills.

Writing Feedback / Social networking is a double-edged sword - people become more selfish or narrow in their lives [3]

Linh, if this is a formal research paper or school, then you will have to present the sources of your information such as the number of users in Vietnam. Without an in-text citation for the source, your information will either be invalid or considered plagiarized, which means that your research paper will not get a very good grade.

Your may want to try and limit your presentation of the meaning of social networking and the reasons people use it. Those are already public knowledge and as such, does not need to be so detailed in this report. You should just go direct to the point in your discussion because the meaning and uses paragraph is a distraction that does not directly relate to the topic you are supposed to be developing in the presentation.

The information you present, is interesting and academic in nature. I am just not sure of the whole point of the discussion. Your thesis statement in the opening paragraph is not very clear. Even though you beleive that social networking is a double edged sword, you do not clearly explain that your essay will be all about the negatives of social media. You should have presented a more "slanted" opening statement that would have ended with the implied discussion to follow.

Speeches / A short speech about burn the midnight [4]

Jennie, there are number of serious grammar errors in your essay. For example, you said "come" when the actual term is "coma" meaning a person fell into a deep state of sleep due to a serious injury to the brain. That is the most serious problem that I spotted in relation to your grammar usage. I suggest that you go to the writing center of your university, bring this speech with you and have them double check the grammar with you. That way you will learn about your writing problems and how to correct them. You must also remember to always capitalize the name of proper nouns such as "China". This speech is not 3 minutes long. You need to develop additional talking points in separate paragraph presentations in order to meet the time requirement. As a speech draft, you have a pretty well developed outline. What you need to do now is do further research in order to make your statements more convincing. You don't need to quote sources since this seems to be a freestyle speech. However, you will still need to make reference to valid information because you are trying to educate your listener.

Graduate / General SOP for MS/MEng in Computer Science Programs [2]

Kevin, here is the thing. You seem to be a so-called "professional student" or a person who seeks so much knowledge, he doesn't have time to do actual work in the field of interest that he has been pursuing. This could pose a problem for your application as an MS degree requires the applicant to actually have a professional foundation, rather that purely theoretical, as you present. The reason behind this is simple, the purpose of your application must tie in directly with your professional plans or career growth. Without it, there is no real purpose to your desire to study.

You do present strong academic skills in your essay and you have a clear frustration for certain things. However, none of the information that you currently present can create an interesting and career relevant SOP for yourself. With that said, I am sure that you know what is coming next. I am advising you to please, please present some career related information in your essay.

Where do you currently work? What is your position? How long have you worked there? What problems do you encounter in your workplace related to your interest in this MS course? Why will studying this course be beneficial to your career? Where do you plan to take your career in the future and how will this MS degree help you achieve that?

Additionally, you need to discuss why you chose a particular university beyond the obvious reasons found on their website. What excites you about studying there? How do the courses you will be taking fit into your 5 year career plan? What are your plans post study?

There are so many gaps and problems with this draft that you have to address. The suggestions and questions I posed before you should help you create a stronger SOP in a manner that will be more acceptable to the review officer considering your application.

Writing Feedback / Co-ed college? Which esbetter for students - single-sex school or a co-ed counterpart [3]

Furqan, the first thing you have to understand is that unlike a TOEFL essay, the IELTS essay does not allow you to immediately discuss the facts of the topic for discussion due to its specific writing and scoring format. Each paragraph has a specific purpose and along with that purpose, is a specific scoring consideration. You failed to properly address the requirements per paragraph so that will have a direct effect on your Task Accuracy score.

The first paragraph is always used as the assessment portion of the test. How well did you understand the provided topic? Are you clear about the instructions as to how to present the discussion? Do you have an actual thesis statement with which to kick off your essay? These are the questions that the examiner will be responding to as he reviews your first paragraph. That is why the opening paragraph is also known as the opening "paraphrase". It must only reflect your understanding of the given points in relation to your potential discussion in the next paragraphs. Now, because you did not provide the original prompt in your posting, I will not be able to show you how to fix the mess that you created in your opening statement. It is so far removed from the TA requirements that your score will not be as high as you expect for that section. Mostly because you launched into an immediate discussion of facts rather than a proper thesis statement presentation in the paragraph.

Please remember that the personal opinions are presented as stand alone paragraphs in all these essays. The personal opinion must be threshed out completely and clearly for the reader. So when you write a single sentence opinion as part of an already existing paragraph discussion on a different topic, you will lose points in the C&C section.

You cannot use information from outside sources in the IELTS test because you do not have the sources for it in the testing center. Since you do not know what question you will be receiving in the test, you cannot preemptively research the information for the test. Therefore, the test taker scores better in the practice tests by simply using his personal experience, knowledge, and observation regarding the matter as the basis for his opinion statements.

By writing a run - on sentence for the conclusion, you will score lower in the C&C plus GRA section. The mark down will be because you presented a single sentence for your presentation when the requirement for each paragraph is that a completely developed thought and explanation process is presented within the minimum 3-maximum 5 sentence presentation.

Scholarship / Masters degree in Public Health for Eye Care from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine [2]

Emeka, since this essay is for a Chevening scholarship, it would be best to start off with an immediate response to the prompt. Make your second paragraph your opening statement instead. You can use the next paragraph that you developed as you have written it now. However, you need to add a third paragraph that will show how the UK government has existing projects in relation to eye care in your country. Find the UK agency in your country that assists in the development of eye care programs and funds the same activities. Describe how you plan to work with them in the promotion of the eye care industry in your country and why you expect that your partnership with the UK agency will result in a higher profile for Chevening and a heightened sense of public interest in the scholarship program. If possible, relate how the requirements of the UK agency work hand in hand with the training you will receive in the masters program. You cannot write this essay response without the UK connection. It is a requirement. Without it, you will not be accepted into the program. So before you finalize the content of this essay, make sure to do ample research on the UK connection. Then revise the essay according to my suggested format.