Undergraduate / My UM essay (ollege student and future physician) [2]

My grandmother, Joyce, had been a great influence on my life in many ways.

She valued education and stressed the fact that I should strive hard to do well in school as education was one of the keys to lifetime success.

I watched my grandmother bravely face and fight the ravishing effects of this disease, the associated illnesses of the disease, and the side effects of the medications given to her to control her symptoms for years, but in the end, due to what my mother and I both believe was negligence on the part of the healthcare system and its providers, she suffered an agonizing death.

this sentence is too long

Here are a few suggestions, hope they help!

Good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / NYU short answers (trait, talent show) [2]

A trait that has been passed on to me by my family is freedom.

As I grew , traveling became a big part of my life, and freedom was a big joy I got out of it.

Freedom was very important to me when I came to high school.

I chose public school for freedom rather than better education from specialized high school, but I never regretted it.

----------------------
Fix You is the song that gives me hope when I am tired, when I am lonely, and when I want to give up. Just a suggestion, it was also fine the way you have it.

Good luck in school!!

:)

Undergraduate / Common Application ("He crossed my life") [2]

I remember passersby walking and laughing with their friends while he slowly pushed his antique cart, probably looking for recycled paper or empty bottles to sell.

We see people like him every day but we don't have enough spare time to help.

Our club would hold Friday Food Day, and the 23 of us would make specialties from our own countries, to sell in hopes of luring in classmates to buy and donate.

We have helped a lot, from beggars, homeless, the animal shelter, disabled children and recently we are helping parents whose infants were affected by the tainted milk scandal.

I never saw him again but I do hope he is well. Sometimes, a lending hand is all that is needed.

I think you should change your last sentence to something stronger. Good essay though, and good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / Hopefully my last: Why BU [5]

As a junior in high School, I lacked the fiery passion my peers for specific universities.

This all changed the moment I stepped out of the car and onto the grounds of Boston University.

The diversity exists not only culturally, but also in interests as hundreds of clubs and organizations beckon to the prospective students eagerly absorbing the intricate details of the campus.

While attending Boston University, I would enjoy the luxury of partaking of, and thriving in any activity I wish, most importantly theater and community service.

I think this is great, you seemed to cover everything, but I think it could use a conclusion sentence, one that sort of sums up the whole essay.

Good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / penn essay (For Freshman Applicants only) [3]

When I first met my "Uncle" Norm (my dad's best friend) I knew I had met someone who was to be admired.

Philadelphia is my favorite city and I would love to be able to go to college there .

The diversity, history, and passion of the citizens are what makes Philadelphia and the University of Pennsylvania unique and are the reasons I love the city and can not wait to attend the college.

the sentence above needs tightening up a little, maybe break it into 2 sentences?

I have attended Phillies and Eagles games and have witnessed first hand the passion of the citizens of Philadelphia.

My dream will come true if I am able to attend the University of Pennsylvania.

excellent advice from CBoromisa

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / UCF essays (family history, why UCF) - Chinese culture [3]

Even though we may not realize it, our families influence us significantly. My family's history, culture, and environment help mold the person I am today.

The value of education has always been important to my family.

...

My parents never had the opportunity to attend college, so they always stress how important education so I can take advantage of the opportunities I have to become successful. But also, in order to be successful , you must work hard to reap the benefits; I am currently taking AP courses and college preparatory courses to challenge and motivate myself to excel and progress.

During the summer, my friend and I planned an "Orlando Day," when we would go shopping, see a movie, and have dinner. We were to meet at UCF and little did I know that she planned for the both of us to take a campus tour just for me even though she attended school there. Every time her and I would talk on the phone, I would hear nothing but wonderful things about UCF; from life-changing football games to seeing Panic at the Disco in concert. I never knew that there was so much to do in one campus! Also with the help of UCF's spectacular gym, I hope to continue my New Year's Resolution to not only to not gain the dreaded "Freshman 15," but to lose weight as well. Growing up in a small town and attending school where its student population of Asians is about one percent, I am very interested about joining the Asian Student Association to not only interact with more Asian peers, but to learn more about the Asian culture.

...and start a new paragraph:

My family is the most important part of my life, and UCF is only about an hour and a half away from home, it will be convenient for me to visit my family or vice versa. The shuttle system will make the commute easier from the dorms to class easier, medical care is available whenever an illness occurs, and the dorms are so spacious it feels like being at home. UCF's College of Education is known to create more educators than any school in the state and is always updating its technology to help students learn beyond their potential and become the best they can be.

...UCF stands for opportunity, and I know that it is an opportunity I should not pass up.

Undergraduate / Common App Main Essay ("cultures of plants") [4]

Rays of the early morning sun peep into the little bottle garden in my study.

My bond with these little creatures is unusual, enhanced by the analogies I draw between their lives and mine. My face reflected in the glass fuses me with the bottle garden - I am in it, and it, in turn, is within me.I love this!

You are an aazing writer, I hope this is for a creative writing class:)

I don't think you'll need it, but good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Essay- why i chose undecided as my major [12]

I put "undecided" as my major because, no , I don't know what I want to major

During the next four years, my desire is to connect with new people, diversify myself through education and experience, and attain a deeper sense of who I am and what I'm capable of.

During high school, I took the classes required by the school, and attained what I think is my identity.

Come September, I'll leave Millburn, undecided in my major, but decidedly open to the unknown.I really like this sentence!

Good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / Minority students. As a Puerto Rican student I I helped bring Latino Club to my school. [10]

Oh, I don't think it is unclear... but I think some people might take it to sound racist... I remember thinking about that yesterday, when I looked at your essay, and deciding it was alright. Now, though, I am thinking... well, I guess if there is a chance that the reader will see it as indicative of disdain for white people, if there is a chance that it will seem racist... ... it is better to say:

"As a Puerto Rican student navigating swimming in a Caucasian sea...

wow, or is that worse??!!! I don't know, I think Caucasian sea is alright. A sea of Caucasians, hahaha...

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - Physics [5]

As light passes through a transparent material, it bends to a new orientation because of differing indices of refraction. This is only one of the many things I have learned in the most interesting class I have taken thus far - physics. Physics has opened my eyes to the world. In class, we do controlled experiments and work on problems with pen and paper, but once we step out of the classroom, we see what we have been learning firsthand.

Physics class has been the most influential as it solidified my interest in engineering as a college major. My teacher is the type of person that tries new things at every opportunity and prides himself in giving his students the chance to come out of their comfort zones and experiment. One of the biggest projects is to build a musical instrument. My partner and I built a xylophone and had tremendous amounts of fun in the process. Both of us have similar scientific, engineering-based mindsets, but neither of us had ever come face to face with engineering challenges. Using our knowledge of the physics of musical instruments, our finished product was deemed a success.

Before I took physics, I would stand in awe of sunsets. The fusions of colors are beautiful, and I could not understand how it could be created naturally. Now, I know that it is a simple atmospheric refraction that separates the light into its majestic colors. One may say that because it is a simple process, some of the beauty is taken away. I believe it to be the opposite. Possessing knowledge is beautiful, so naturally understanding explanations are as well.

Such understanding is what I seek in high school, college and beyond, and taking physics has given me a little piece of that understanding.

Okay, I see how that paragraph fits in and helps to answer the prompt... I stared at it for a long time, and I think what it needs is a stronger opening sentence -- one that grabs the attention and introduces that particular experience that you describe. Introduce it as the answer to the essay question, as the subject of the essay, so that the three paragraphs will be united by the opening line or two.

:)

Essays / Divorce, arranged marriage, economic crisis - Illustration Essay [9]

I think you have the wrong forum! Is this about an essay? If you are getting a divorce, make the best of it! There is a lot of freedom in being single!

What is the purpose of this piece of writing. The first step is always to take a long, hard look at your purpose... and think of what you want to make happen.

Undergraduate / how is this intro? ("have 13 ships") [7]

"I still have thirteen ships! As long as I am alive, Japan will never take the western sea!"

I agree, this is well-written

:)

Undergraduate / My fascination for process of invention; Carnegie Mellon; Major? [8]

Oh, I'm sorry for the worry, but actually the fact that you have your name attached to it establishes it as your essay, so it is a little like a copyright... preventing people from stealing it.

:)

Undergraduate / Brown supplement essays (biology and medicine) [3]

My main academic interests lie in biology and medicine, although I also have personal interests in other areas, such as music and photography. Brown's Program in Liberal Medical Education (PLME) appeals to me, as it will not only make sure that I am sufficiently prepared for a career in medicine but will also enable me to pursue other interests at the same time. As a student who plans to continue to medical school but does not believe that specialization should restrict exploration of other areas, the PLME is an invaluable opportunity.

Wow, this is REALLY well-written! please check out the EF cotributor page (link at the bottom of the screen)

My interests are mostly likely to expand during my time in college, so I can benefit from the Brown Curriculum, which enables each student to take control of his or her own education. Because Brown does not have distribution requirements, students are able to take classes regarding subjects in which they find genuine interest; consequently, classes tend to be more engaging and efficient. I view the Brown Curriculum as an invitation to be self-exploratory during my college years. I want to be able to allow my curiosity to lead me into classes simply because I find them interesting; at the same time, I want to trust myself to be mature enough to make responsible decisions. In addition, I admire and desire to be a part of an open-minded school environment that values individuality over conformity and collaboration over competition. Due to these features, I am confident that Brown can provide me with a rewarding college experience.

Undergraduate / UPenn's p.217 autobio. essay (dance) [5]

Then, the music in the background stopped. The team before us had finished, and the theatre exploded into applause .

Wow, you did very well with this! Now, if you want to end in the middle of a sentence for the page 217 thing, just use an ellipsis, like this: All of a sudden, the first beat of the music echoed through the auditorium. We stomped on the wooden floor with a deafening thud, and the crowd gasped as the...

Undergraduate / Another penn professor short (nanotechnology) [7]


Yes, and maybe you could be more specific about this part, above!

:)

Undergraduate / Summer activity (a substitute teacher at Ithan Elementary School) [10]

y word program shows the revision i gave you to be 447 characters. Am I missing something? Good luck!!!

If you need to take out more, get rid of the sentence about the table being turned upside down.

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- "A New Experience" (Topic of Your Choice) [3]

How about instead of, "And, I learned that I love ecology," you write:

I also learned that I love ecology.

Of course, there were times where I had to push myself, reading about the negatives of growing fish on a farm as opposed to the ocean at three in the morning.

I like this last paragraph SOOOO much:

I gasp for breath on the shore of the wetland as I unravel my net for its treasures. I find tadpoles, hermit crabs, and bluegill, all flipping and twisting in protest. I record my findings and gently place the creatures back into the wetland's murky depths. In that small marsh, I found a baby snapping turtle, angrily trying to bite me even though it fit in the palm of my hand. In that harsh bog, I found a beaver, making a dam and creating a home for the winter ahead. In that muddy quagmire, I saw the tiniest frog, trying to remain hidden on a blade of grass. And, in that small marsh, I found a world and all of its joys.

Undergraduate / 'I love Rochester, but I need a change' - Boston University Supplement [6]

Yes, Sean is right...

How about:

During my search for colleges, I've tried to stay focus on schools that could further my goal of some day becoming a successful hotel administrator. Of the things that worried me about college, the quality of education I will receive for business management was a major issue. As a result I have taken a particular interest in an honors program. The School of Management Honors Program provided by Boston University is one of my main reasons for applying. To some, a program of this sort might appear to be restrictive, preventing a prospective student from trying out various courses and trying to find their place. I feel though that I know where I want to be and that a program like this shows me how to get there.

I feel there is no better place for a college student, new to the world, than Boston. Growing up in one of the most diverse suburbs in Rochester, Brighton, I would not feel comfortable leaving my home if I was going to live somewhere lacking diversity. This is not true for Boston University, which practically embodies diversity. With so many universities in the area people come in all over the country. It's for this reason that I feel that the environment around Boston University is one in which I can grow, learn, and mature, all away from home.

Now you have room to write about specific resources offered by BU, because I crossed out all the weak material about hustle and bustle.

Good luck!!!!!!

Undergraduate / MIT Essay (End of the World) [13]

Giving to those in need, those less fortunate than us -- what a wonderful sensation!

Or:

Such a wonderful sensation comes fro giving to those...

"Hurry up and rest for the exam," my parents shouted.

Hmmmm... I see that it asks you to "evaluate" the experience... I guess you should probably add some reflection.

Keep at it! You are great for being so diligent, revising and seeking input from us. Keep at it! Happy new year...

Essays / UPenn autobiography - i decided to write about my future [7]

I agree! Post here if you want us to help!!!

Undergraduate / UVA shocking art [3]

Wow, you write so well, I was afraid I would find nothing to correct! But here is an incomplete sentence:

The pain and anguish evident as women fought soldiers to save themselves from rape, and men perish on heaps of human bodies.

Try like this:

Pain and anguish were evident as women fought soldiers to save themselves from rape, and men perished on heaps of human bodies.

And another idea:

Print after print, none diminished by the dust which had collected over the years, I observed the idiocy of war and the innate darkness which lies in the core of every man.

Undergraduate / review my common app (water bugs) [5]

Well, you must be a great writer, because I found little room for improvement even though you wrote this quickly.

In Biology class, for instance, we were given the choice of either dissecting a fetal pig or doing an online dissection; the second option seemed more appealing to me as an ethically-motivated vegetarian.

As I embark on my journey into college, I will continue to keep this lesson in mind. I hope that it will enable me to meet a variety of people and get the most out of the academic opportunities that I am presented with, things that, I believe, will make my four years in college truly fulfilling.

Undergraduate / Visual Basic - Notre Dame supplement (difference) [3]

There are many ways in which I differ from my peers; however, among them the most important, I believe, is that I am more curious and imaginative.

When I was in the 10th grade, my friends and I ...

I guess i think you should say "first," and "second," rather than "firstly" and "secondly."

Also, it will be good if you can sum it up with a meaningful concluding sentence or paragraph...

Undergraduate / MIT Essay (End of the World) [13]

It was almost 11pm and the exam was to be given at 8am the next morning (a Saturday I might add).

How about a colon here:

Then I made the decision: I realized there were a lot of things more important than my own pride. I grabbed my coat and went for the front door, but then the phone rang.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay -- "My Grandfather" (Topic of Your Choice) [3]

"Oh," I mumbled incoherently.

No more asking, "What do you want to eat when you get here?" No more walks through the neighborhood. No more.

Still, my grandfather and were never able to bond in the way he bonded with my mother or my two uncles.

I do not believe it is true that when someone passes away, his life flashes before his eyes.

or:

I do not believe it's true that when someone passes away, his life flashes before his eyes.

But I think it is better to write the two words, "it is," instead of using contractions in formal writing.

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / "Here, sing!" - Common App essay on ethnicity [8]

I maneuver expertly around her outstretched arm and sit in a love seat at my Auntie Tina's house, at yet another family party - this time for my aunt's birthday.

As I sigh, I breathe in the delectable aroma of fried food - chicken, fish, and my favorite, lumpia (small little egg rolls stuffed with meat).

She catches my eye and I recognize the look on her face - she's about to introduce me to that lady with whom she's conversing. Oh, no! Another awkward meeting

In Filipino culture, family holds supreme value.

This is very interesting!! I wonder if you could add an intro paragraph and conclusion paragraph that capture the meaning of the essay, the truth about your family and culture that is revealed in this essay.

Undergraduate / Chicago Supplement- Is the universe really what we perceive it to be? [7]

Grab an object nearby. Look at it. Feel it. Pretty solid and real, isn't it?

I cannot find any grammatical errors other than the comma you left out, above! And I certainly am impressed with the content.

Now, the only thing I am worried about is whether or not you interpreted the prompt correctly. Can you revise this to highlight two or three different ideas that you are putting together? I think there are enough ideas involved in this that you can do a simple revision to present it in such a way as to show acknowledgment of the prompt...

Undergraduate / Need help on short answer (Acceptance and respect) [5]

Acceptance and respect are necessary because there are bound to be differences in the ways people think. In one of the Youth Council meetings, the two co-chairs were arguing about the best way to raise money for cancer research. They got so caught up in the argument that they forgot the reason for the argument. In the end, they realized that that, even though their ideas were completely different, they were trying to achieve the same thing. They ended up working together and raising over $1000! By accepting and respecting differences in this way, a campus community will not just exist, but thrive.

Undergraduate / Essay on the importance of diversity-common app [5]

Moving from China to Canada and having to adapt to a totally new environment at the age of nine were exceptionally hard -- nevermind trying to learn a new language and adapt to other cultural differences. As years went by, I slowly acclimated and began to fit in the western society; I was dissolved in the "melting pot."

I am very proud of having two cultures within me; my friends consider me lucky because I get to have presents during Christmas and "red pockets" during Chinese New Year.

He believed that all Chinese people eat cats, are smart, have small eyes, and and know Kung Fu.This is funny.. :)

Wow, this is a very meaningful essay. Good luck in school!!!

Undergraduate / Why UPenn ("during my 3rd year of high school that I heard that name") [3]

It was during my third year of high school that I heard the name of UPenn. I had always been interested in finance, but my passion truly developed in my third year, when I was talking to anyone who had anything to do with the finance business.

Despite their own backgrounds and diverse schooling, they all believed UPenn had something special, and after my own pursuit of understanding I think I've found it.

Coming from a high school where I was privileged to experience many research and laboratory experiments I know the importance of the quality of the research labs and the equipment.

With its world class professors, its intellectually diverse student body, and its emphasis on interdisciplinary studies, I know UPenn is a place where I will not only study, but flourish and grow.

Good luck at UPenn !!!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement-character (a "new world" opened up for me) [4]

That afternoon, with my backpack full of toys strapped to my back and a suitcase full of clothes held tightly in one of my hands, my family departed on a plane to start a new life together.

He was a man who liked to talk about dreams, but never had the determination or the ability to even attempt to make them come true.

Starting life afresh in a new environment and witnessing my mother's plight, I was inspired by her determination to provide for her family. I developed a new outlook towards life and have pushed myself to interact with this "new world" that I began to see. I've become more determined than ever to succeed, not just in school, but also in other aspects of my life. ...

After becoming actively involved in school and community activities, my self-confidence and quest for knowledge has grown exponentially. I now possess the fortitude and knowledge to have my voice heard and in doing so I have become a leader in my community and in school clubs. During high school, I chaired the Hands Up Club (Sign Language Club) and was a member of Japanese Club. My involvement with these clubs provided me with the opportunity to apply my knowledge to help others and share with them the many cultures that defines me. At other times, I would volunteer at a local food bank and help those in need. I have accepted the fact that I am an independent and determined leader who will no longer be the little girl who hid from the world.

Looking back at the struggles my family and I had to face, I realize that this incident served as a catalyst in my development as a strong and confident person I am today. Since that day, my goal in life has changed.

:)

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / To me, Discus was not mere a metal stuff, it was my dream and hope; one of your activities essay [3]

I threw the discus as far as I could .

To me, Discus was not merely a piece of metal , it was my dream and hope.

The farther I threw , the closer my dream came to me.

I participated in the track team, and I chose the Discus field which only two people had chosen, not a popular field. There was no Discus coach, only me .

It was my job to figure out how to make the discus go farther and pose a right position. But, through this work, I found myself unconsciously becoming independent and confident .

I saw myself doing it all alone. But, I was not lonely.

Every time I threw the discus, it went farther and farther with my dream. I did not stop throwing until the last minute of the competition, because as many I throw, I became stronger.

Hope this is helpful!!:)

Undergraduate / Making best of a bad situation; Yale Supplement - Divorce [4]

My brother understands this well, and takes advantage of my knowledge at every opportunity.

I love and wish to help him in any way possible, so it has been necessary for me to step up as leader and direct him in the right path.

Many of my friends have taken their parent's divorce wrongly and often have trust issues with their peers. They frequently associate the divorce with themselves and become introverted, keeping to themselves matters which would be easily resolved with little assistance.

I understand that people often make mistakes and am more careful because of this understanding.

Good luck in school!!:)

Undergraduate / UVA- challenge essay: Our mind - the brain. (250 words) [5]

Our minds - the brain.

Connecting to the ear, there are the auditory cortices , the auditory cortex and temporal lobes of the brain. The touch sensations coming from our body deliver signals to the sensory cortex that is connected to the parietal lobes.

Likewise, every part of our body can be linked to a specific part of the brain.

The fact that one can actually change another humans entire life by operating on a fraction of this all-powerful structure is what surprises, unsettles, and challenges me to study cognitive science and neuroscience.

Nice!

Good luck.:)

Undergraduate / Bucknell optional essay.. the culture of the U.S. [4]

I had absolutely no idea of how people lived here, what kind of lifestyle they had and how would they take a person coming from a developing country.

I searched all over the Internet to learn about the American lifestyle , and to my surprise found that to be very well suited for me.

I always liked to see huge skyscrapers , vast seas and a fast lifestyle.

Good luck, I hope this helps!

:)

Undergraduate / UPENN Why essay grammar check; When I first started playing soccer I had no skills [3]

When I first started playing soccer I had no skills whatsoever. I solely relied on my superior speed to beat the opposition.

Although it took time, I'm now a much more confident player and am currently the leading scorer on my indoor soccer team.

Opportunity is defined as a set of circumstances that makes it possible to do something. As a college bound student the one quintessential thing I want from the college I want to attend is opportunity.

Through UPENN's liberal arts education I would be able to diversify my mind to think from more than one angle.

At the same time I would still be able to pursue my passion for economics in the courses available at UPENN.

Good luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / "orchestra class" - UVA Supplemental Essay [5]

Like snowflakes, no two people are alike. So why do we attempt to categorize people into groups?

These underlying organizational patterns that we construct are merely a security blanket to shield us from the reality that the only thing that is absolute, that we can always count on - is change. The search for global schemas, symmetries, and universal and unchanging laws is a fruitless one.

In order to be united and to live in harmony with one another we must not search for a way to categorize each other or generalize why people react to certain stimuli in a certain way, but to learn that every person has their own "sui generis" or a unique reality that cannot be made to be a part of a wider concept.

Good luck in school!!!:)

Scholarship / 'I listened to the lyrics' - 100th page of my autobiography [8]

The heavy smell of gasoline and rain reminded me of Richmond.nice sentence!

I stepped out onto the terrace, glimpsing the darkening sky and ogling the palm embellished skyline.

I stood along the edge of the festivities , watching the blinking strobe lights transform the shadow of movement into people and back again.

"We can take one night off for your birthday can't we?" she asked quirkily.

She had always been so laid back , even hippy-like, which was very uncommon for a business major.

Um, I think your true calling is that of a writer.

Great essay.

:)

Undergraduate / 'my relationship with tennis' - Common App Additional Info Essay [3]

Every time I played tennis competitively with my family, it hurt me that I couldn't play a full match without scrambling for my inhaler.

This condition sickened me, and I vowed in elementary school that I would not succumb to asthma, and that I would play tennis until I conquered it.

It was the first sign that I could lead a normal life with asthma, that I could live without the fear of an asthma attack being triggered at every corner.

I think it would be fine to end there, but could be way more powerful if you do add another couple sentences about how you went on and racked up all those hours on the tennis court. Kind of gives the essay an extra happy "ending".

Good luck in school!!!

:)