Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: the percentage of female members of parliament of euroupean countries [4]

Nhan, it is difficult for me to offer a more accurate assessment of your work because you neglected to upload the necessary prompt instructions from the original source. As such, I am not a position to determine if the notes that you are reporting on are accurate, informative, or required by the task. Going by experience though, I would have to say that you wrote just enough to meet the word requirements of the essay, but not enough for an increased passing score. Why did I say that? You reported on the most obvious elements of the graph that are easily seen at a glance. A task 1 essay always, always scores its best in all criteria when the examiner sees that the exam taker spent a little more time in analyzing the image by reporting on small details that can only be discovered through analysis and comparison of the graphs. What information did you miss out on?

1. You missed out on the opportunity to report on the overlapping estimated figures for Germany and Italy during a period between 2008 and 2012;
2. France and the UK also had a point where their figures were reported as the same at the end of 2012;
3. Aside from the UK, that trailed at the start of 2000 in terms of female parliament members, France, Italy, and Germany were on a similar trend for the periods of comparison indicated.

4. By the end of 2012, all countries indicated similar figures regarding their female parliamentary membership.

This graph has a particular interest in representing trending information and that should have been reflected in most parts of your summary report. Small but relevant information such as these will make a tremendous difference in your overall score.

Essays / Question about writing topic sentences for the essay topic on social media [3]

Riyy, you should be able to accomplish the required discussion per body paragraph by using a transition sentence midstream. That transition sentence should be the third sentence in the paragraph and will allow you to properly change the direction of the discussion in a smooth manner. So the paragraph should be formatted this way:

1. Topic sentence
2. Positive reason
3. Transition sentence
4. Negative reason
5. Transition sentence into the next social media company

You can shift around numbers 2 and 4 in order to vary the presentation and keep the reader on their toes. Using that format guideline as an aid in writing your paper, what you have to do now is actually develop your essay and post it here for review. Don't worry about making mistakes and such. It is those mistakes that provide the learning experience on your part and helps us to advice you regarding your points for improvement.

Writing Feedback / Three Yearbook Write-ups (Description of a Person) [4]

Aro, the descriptions that you wrote for Elijah and Benjamin are perfect. Don't change anything about it. It is fun, informative, and allows a wide range of people to get to know them on a general level. The same cannot be said for the description that you wrote for Sam. It is not as good as the other 2. I find that is a bit more selfish in presentation because you describe her on a personal level within the context of her relationship with you as her best friend. Try to make the description of Sam as casual, relaxed, and funny as the general description that you gave the other 2. That way, it doesn't come across as obvious partiality on your part with regards to the degree of friendships that you have with all 3. Think of the reasons why people would like Sam when they meet her. The same way that you presented Elijah and Benjamin. It has to focus less on your personal relationship and more on what makes Sam a good person and a friend to everyone. You can do this by removing the personal references to your friendship with her. Revise it to be more descriptive of the person as an overall girl next door, friend to all kind of thing. That will make it more interesting and fun to read.

Writing Feedback / I don't care how poor a person is; if he has family, he's rich - CLEP testing [4]

Hi Paul, this is a very well written and expressive essay. I really wish that you had provided us with the complete prompt topic and discussion instructions because I would have loved to be able to assess the essay based on the CLEP scoring guidelines. If you had given me that opportunity, I would have been able to offer you a better assessment of your essay and quite possibly, found the weaknesses in your discussion. At this point, I will not be able to do that anymore. I can only give you one free observation and advice. Even if you supply me with the prompt now, it will be useless. There is no way I can advice you anymore due to forum rules. All I can tell you at this point is that you wrote a good essay. Is it strong enough to get a higher half score or will it be in the lower half? I can't tell because you did not give me the complete instructions for your prompt assessment. Your discussion abilities are strong. Your analytical abilities can use further development. Your paragraphs can use more focus in terms of content discussion. That is the overall impression I got from reading your essay. Maybe, when you post your next CLEP essay for review, you can include the complete prompt and discussion instruction requirement. That way I can give you a better opinion of how exactly you are doing in terms of preparation for this test.

Letters / What makes my candidacy valid for the traineeship? Motivation letter for Eur. Commission programme [3]

Hassan, you need to directly respond to the prompt that you were provided. You only have 100 characters with which to convince the reviewer of your qualifications and skills in relation to the requirements of the EC. Your essay wastes the first half of the response character allotment in terms of this aspect. I strongly suggest that you revise the essay and focus instead on developing the following quote as the stronger basis of your desire for an EC traineeship slot:

Traineeship at EC ensures excellent career opportunities...make my candidacy valid for the traineeship.

If you develop on the implied ideas and beliefs in located in those 2 sentences, you will be able to better address the requirements of the essay. Specifically the expectations and candidate portions. Those two portions are really under developed to the point of being non-existent in your current essay version.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay about what makes a nation truly great [2]

Daniel, I think you can get a top score of 5 for this essay. The line of argument and reasoning that you present is sound, although a bit too long at times. If you must, divide a paragraph into 2 topic paragraphs. Your second paragraph really ran on too long discussing different topics related to the rise of Korean society which made it difficult to read. Had you divided it into separate paragraphs, reader fatigue would not have set in as it did for me. If reader fatigue sets in, the examiner may give you a lower than expected score. If you want to improve your discussion of this sort of essay, you must make sure to clearly and lengthily discuss the position that you do not support first. By presenting that first, you give more of a sense of logic and reasoning to the position you support because of the examples and other supporting facts that you will be presenting. While you did the reverse in this essay, it still worked. If you had done it in the manner I suggested, you would have probably garnered a score of 6 instead.

Undergraduate / Nigeria - the environment in which you were raised? Describe your family, home, neighborhood [2]

Braimoh, the reason that you are having a hard time developing the 500 word essay is because the essay is not talking about your family in relation to who you have become or are becoming, you are focusing the discussion solely on the profile of your mother and her influence in your life. If you do not balance the information between her good traits and how it has influenced you, then you will not be able to meet the word count. Align your point of view about your mother with the way that you were raised and how your family dynamic was created. As a single parent, there must be a number of character traits that she has which she was able to pass on to you. Talk about how her traits have changed your point of view about life or changed what you consider to be a negative trait of yours for the better. The idea behind the essay is to accurately describe the method by which your mother raised you and how that created the person you are today. Make sure that you balance the discussion so that you can meet the necessary word count.

Student Talk / I am a bit shy, when I have to speak in English, I always worry about my mistakes; I lack confidence [47]

Tran, I can sense that you are feeling frustrated and possibly hopeless about your English speaking and writing problems. Let me tell you, unless you were born speaking English from the crib, you won't be at the level of a native English speaker unless you have had decades of practice speaking and writing in a pure English environment. It is important that you do not lose hope at this point in your lessons because you are not doing bad with your lessons. It is all about finding your comfort zone when it comes the English language. Some people, learn by watching television and reading English materials as often as possible. Others, choose to spend time with native English speakers in their neighborhood or places of social interaction so that they can practice both thinking and speaking in English. As for writing, that is something that happens naturally as you become more familiar with thinking and speaking in English. The paragraph that you wrote above shows your potential in writing. While it is not perfect, you are writing well enough for a native speaker to understand what you are saying. Don't worry about the mistakes. A native English speaker will make allowances for your grammatical mistakes. It will never be perfect because it is not your mother language. The native speakers understand that. What I am trying to tell you is this, practice makes perfect. Don't let the impressions of other people regarding your English skills affect you. They do not know your true potential and do not realize that, in your own way, you are already able to use English, in one form or another, when you need it.

Scholarship / Opening new avenues to materialize my dreams - review my Chevening application question response [3]

Tanveer, unfortunately, you can only post one essay per thread in this forum so I will only be advising you on the leadership and networking essay that you posted. The networking essay needs to be deleted from your original post and posted as a new thread. Please try to do that or ask admin to help you do it because your violation could result in the suspension of your account.

Going back to your leadership essay. You are trying to sound authoritative in your manner of presentation. However, that tone does not work in this essay. You need to have a lower tone of voice. One that shows respect for the reviewer, who is in a position of authority over you, and shows that you have a friendly demeanor. You have to tell your story as opposed to filing a formal report, which is the current tone that your essay has.

It would be best if you could focus on just one story that will accurately depict both your leadership and influencing skills in either a professional or social manner. Do not use two different events for the representation of your response. When you offer 2 differing stories for a single purpose essay, the reviewer will not be able to connect the two stories into a single purpose in his mind. He will not remember both stories, he will only remember one. By consolidating your story into just one narration, you will stand a better chance of having him remember who you are, what your leadership story is and how your influencing skills made a difference in the story. It creates a stronger and more memorable essay for the reviewer to read.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Through Community service I gained my leadership skills and drive the change. [4]

Dicky, there is a sole focus on leadership in this essay, You completely neglected to offer the influencing information in your essay. Remember, you are supposed to showcase your ability to lead and influence people. The fact that you were a team leader only meant that you gave directions for your subordinates to follow. There was no real influencing involved because you claimed that everything went smoothly and thus, did not require you to practice any skills beyond leadership. That is not the kind of essay that will impress the reviewer. If you want to make an impression, you need to create a balanced essay that highlights both the leadership and influencing skills that you possess. If possible, relate it to a professional setting instead of a community based activity in order to show how you perform under stressful, work related situations. If you cannot do that, then you need to revise the essay to show how you perform conflict resolution, which is the whole point of the "influencing" discussion. A true leader knows how to end conflicts in his group by influencing the team members to perform as a cohesive unit. By the way, lose the quote and reference at the end. This is not an academic paper so the citation is not required. If you want to use that quote, put it at the start of the essay. That is where quotes are most effective. Just make sure though that the quote ties in with the content of the first paragraph and overall essay message. Otherwise, the content is unnecessary and only serves to confuse the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement on applying major transfer from Bsc (Hons) Property Management to Bsc in Nursing [3]

Marco, stop using the term "it is found". The proper term is "I found out" or "I discovered", or "I came to realize that". Never say "it is found" because you cannot refer to yourself as an it. Also, the essay is extremely long but doesn't really hit the mark when it comes to explaining your decision to shift careers. You need to rearrange the essay by first explaining, in short form, why you were first interested in a real estate career. From there, transition into the ICU care your mother received and make that the catalyst for your desire to shift careers / change your college major. Only after to create these establishing factors can you present the information about the field trip and how it solidified your desire to become a nurse. Try to create a short but informative essay. You have written 808 words in an essay that should be complete within 500 - 750 words. Don't you have a word limit on the letter? Most colleges and universities limit the word count for the transfer letters so you should make sure to double check the requirement for your letter. Do your best to explain yourself in no more than 3 paragraphs. Any longer than that and you tend to lose the interest of the reviewer. Specially since you are telling such a long story. Keep the story short and just focus on necessary information. Shorten the paragraphs as best as you can. That will help to create a more interesting and easier to read essay on the part of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Ietls writing task 2 - opinion eassy questions - energy and resources [3]

Hi Mandy, welcome to EssayForum. You've come to the right place for a self reviewing exam taker. I'll do my very best to assist you during your review process. You can write the essays based upon the program you are using to review for the test, then post it here for real time comments and advice from me. Just remember though, as a contributor, I can only give you one free advice per thread. So don't ever forget to post the prompts (for Task 2) and images plus prompts (for Task 1). For now, I would like to focus on your current essay. Rest assured, if you listen to the advice that I give you and apply all the improvements I will be suggesting, we can get you ready for the IELTS test in almost no time.

It is important that you familiarize yourself with the various essay discussion prompts that you will be coming across for the Task 2 essay. Each essay has a specific discussion format that needs to be followed. In this essay, it is an "extent" discussion that you need to be presenting. When you work on an extent essay, you need to focus on the reasons why you either agree or disagree with the essay. The minute you discuss both points of view, you fail the TA section, which fails the test because you did not follow the required instructions from the original prompt.

In this essay, you need to only provide the extent of your support or non-support as either partial, total, or complete. Choose from one of the 3 extent descriptions and write a 3 body paragraph that offers support and justification for your point of view. Then summarize the important points of the essay in the conclusion and close. It's that simple.

You have to remember to be consistent in your writing. The normal format for a Task 2 essay is 5 paragraph, minimum of 3 (maximum of 5) sentences per paragraph. This format will allow you to fully utilize the potential of your writing when it comes to the scoring considerations. You increase your overall score by writing more interesting body paragraphs. For this essay though, I think you will do well with only 4 paragraphs because a personal opinion is not required. 5 paragraphs is the ideal presentation. However, if it is not required, you don't need to present 5 paragraphs. Anywhere between 4-5 paragraphs is acceptable.

Since this is your first essay at this forum and you did not follow the correct format for the presentation, I will not be scoring your essay at this point. You need to present an essay that properly addresses the requirements of the discussion. Don't bother to revise this essay because I won't be able to review it. Just move on to the next essay topic, pick one that has the same instruction as this essay (extent) and then post that one in a new thread. I will then review that essay and start working with you on your points for improvement.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: The Internet has as many disadvantages as it does advantages. [4]

Kien, in this essay, you misunderstood the prompt instructions regarding its discussion format. I can understand why you were a bit confused as to how to discuss the essay because you were given two opinions that exist in reference to this particular discussion. The mistake that you made was that you created a comparison essay in response to the prompt. I believe you made that mistake because you were asked to "agree or disagree" with the statement. This seems to trip up most of the students who have to write this essay. They usually end up writing a comparison essay like you did. Let me let you in on a little secret. In this particular prompt, the word "OR" is very significant because it asks you to make one choice for your response. After you make a choice, you have to only write about that opinion that you chose to support. That makes writing the essay a lot simpler don't you think? You don't have to write about 2 discussions, just one. In the essay that you wrote, you need to adjust 2 portions in order to make it more prompt compliant.

The first change you have to make, is in the opening statement. In the discussion instruction sentence at the end of the paragraph, just say you agree with the statement instead of saying that there are reasons why the internet brings more benefits. You can say something like;

Based upon certain personal considerations, I would like to discuss the extent of my agreement with this statement in the following paragraphs.

That is actually the expected discussion instruction which is also the thesis statement for your essay. That completes the opening statement outline.

The next thing you have to change, is the third paragraph that created the comparison discussion in your essay. Stick to the agreement discussion by offering another line of discussion that allows you to further strengthen your support of the statement. This could be something along the lines of a personal experience, popular opinion, or something else. Whatever it is, just make sure that it supports the thesis statement that you presented.

Finally, the concluding statement follows the platform of a comparison essay. Based upon the points for correction I have given you above, it should be easy for you to guess what changes you need to make in that particular paragraph right? I know you can do it :-)

Speeches / The value of money in the modern life [4]

Thao, as a speech, I would have to say that you have chosen a very good topic. I take it that since you listed this under the sub-category of Speeches, that this is not meant for any kind of English exam but rather, meant this to be a written exercise for an English class that you are taking. In the opening statement, you did a good job of stating the purpose of your speech. However, you did not do a good job of using a transition sentence at the end in order to introduce the upcoming paragraph that deals with your personal experience. As such, the change in the discussion topic in the next paragraph feels abrupt and does not allow the reader to prepare for the change in discussion tone. The last 2 statements that you made in the speech are very short, does not really inform the listener, and because of this, does not really serve a relevant purpose in the speech. You need to develop those last 2 portions in order to create a strong closing to your speech. Right now, the speech is good but without a strong closing statement.

Research Papers / Is the war on terrorism fueling the opioid crisis? [2]

Anthony, I understand that the history of Opioid abuse dates back centuries. However, trying to trace and discuss the epidemic from its very start has created a very under developed and difficult to follow research essay on your part. Since the focus of your research is the American Opioid epidemic and its relation to the war on terrorism, you should narrow down the research to the history of Opioid abuse in America alone. That way you can fully focus the development of the information and presentation of evidence to the most important and applicable aspects of the research objective.

Start it from the events of 9/11. Investigate how the drug helped to finance the attack. Who were the characters involved? How much money was laundered? Through what channels? Were the people in the US who were party to the funding of the terror attack via the drug cartels that existed at the time? Focus more on the Opioid - 9/11 relationship at the start. This will serve as the basis for the rest of your essay.

From there, move the research onto the information about how Afghanistan fits into the picture. By the way, it is a worldwide epidemic. Use the correct term instead of "planet". Do your best to focus your essay only on the actual point of your research instead of trying to take on the international and historical context of the topic. Also, try to tone down your essay. Don't be so combative in your statements. As a research paper, you must stick to using academic words that do not enflame your reader. Make sure that you keep a clear eye on the objective of your essay. That means, you need to keep a level head with your opinions not taking center stage in the research. Your job is to inform, not to offer an opinion in such an explosive manner as you do in this paper.

Undergraduate / My Academic Goals - Texas A&M Engineering Admission Essay [3]

Jazmine, when you choose a person who inspired your interest in Engineering, try to pick a more recent example aside from Neil Armstrong. He was from a century long before all of the current trends and developments in technology so it will be a good stretch to try and convince the reviewer that your greatest influence in terms of wishing to become an engineer is the first man to walk on the moon. Use more recent and believable examples in relation to your interest in Engineering. People like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg would be better examples of influential people on terms of opening your eyes to the possibility of engineering innovations and possibilities.

While your parents are a good reference point for your inspiration in life and are good cheerleaders when it comes to your studies, unless one of them actually works in the field that interests you, their mention in the essay tends to fall flat. You need to use more impressive reference points. For example, who was the teacher that you had in your 8th grade science class? Combining the teaching method and the objectives of that class creates a more interesting inspiration point for your desire to become an engineer.

The main problem of your essay is that there is no clear reference to your academic and career goals in the essay. You need to develop 2 new paragraphs that clearly outline your plans in those 2 discussion topics in the essay. Don't get me wrong, the essay is a good draft, it just loses its way every so often and you need to get it back on track.

Undergraduate / Back to my Roots - Common App: background, identity topic [3]

Bethany, for starters, you need to fix the title. It should read "Back to My Roots" because Ethopia is the country of your roots and you were born of Ethopian parents, who represent your roots. A route is a course or process that you take to reach a destination. You are talking of the background beginnings in this essay. There is a big difference. With that cleared up, let me help you create a more focused essay for this prompt.

As I read what you head to say, you spoke a lot about the history of being Ethopian, but you did not really tell the reviewer what being an Ethopian means to you. How do you embody being an Ethopian in your community? In your society? How do you plan to promote your roots in college? Consider what makes you special as an Ethopian - Canadian. Your background isn't just being Ethopian, it is about you being a representative of two worlds, Ethopia and Canada. How do you balance such differing cultures into your personality? These are the elements of your background that can make this essay more informative and representative of your background and true identity.

This essay is too focused on the general history of Ethopia and who their descendants are. That is nice to read about, but it doesn't tell the reviewer anything that can really of help to him in an effort to better understand who you are as a representative of the Ethopian- Canadian community. I believe you should focus on that discussion because that is what makes you special and what will make the reviewer take notice of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The funds are being exhausted un-necessarily, by the government - on the arts. IELTS Writing Task 2 [2]

Mayank, while this is an opinion paper essay, the type of opinion you must discuss is clearly indicated in the prompt instructions. Your line of reasoning must be along the lines of either an agreement or disagreement with the opinion indicated in the original statement. The paraphrasing prompt that you developed for your response essay doesn't follow the original instructions. You do not indicate an agreement or disagreement with the given statement as indicated by the instruction sentence at the end of the original prompt. Therefore, you are not discussing the essay in the manner required and this essay will be considered to be either unresponsive to the prompt requirements or barely discussing a topic related to the task. The only score for this essay will be anywhere between a 2 and a 3. The final score will be dependent upon the other considerations the examiner may have regarding your work.

Your opening statement, by the way, is a very long run-on sentence that needs to be divided into at least 2 more sentences. Dividing the long sentences would have at least created the 3 sentence minimum requirement for the essay. However, since you did not discuss the correct topic, that is moot and academic at this point.

Undergraduate / The Field of Computing - about your interest in NYU... [3]

Dibya, your essay needs to be specific about the interest that you developed for NYU. This interest needs to be based upon the campus that you will be attending. Will you be attending the main campus in New York City, USA or the campus in Abu Dhabi? Once you have decided upon which campus you will be attending, you will then have to think about the campus, the classes it offers, and the kind of educational opportunity that you will be receiving. This essay is not effective in the sense that it does not show a familiarity on your part, with the university. There is no direct connection between the capacity of the university to educate you and your desire to attend the same. It would be best if you wrote a new essay that has a more focused direction. It has to speak of the particular campus and why you feel that you will be able to thrive in that setting. Balance your traits as a student with the way that you hope or believe that the university can enhance your learning experience. The reason behind your interest in NYU needs to be definitive of the NYU experience you hope to have. This current essay does not contain any of that. It is so generalized in content that you can use it to fulfill any university application with the same question. Be specific. NYU is looking only for the best and the brightest who can also add to the diversity and learning experience of their campus, no matter where it is located in the world. Aim to represent such a mindset in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Arrangement in Working Hours [3]

@Fahri Where is the copy of the original article that you read in order to write this essay? I need it as a reference point. I have no idea how to judge the adequacy or inadequacy of your given discussion without it. The immediate problem that I saw with your essay has to do with spelling. While you know how to use the terms properly in English, you are not spelling it correctly. And example of this is the word "usefull", the correct spelling is "useful". Your lexical resource score will suffer due to these types of spelling errors. You need to make sure that you not only know the meaning of the word and how to use it properly in a sentence, but also, that you know how to spell the word. By ensuring an accurate word usage and spelling, you will get a higher LR score for your essay. While your grammar is definitely imperfect throughout the essay, allowances can be made for it provided the paragraphs make sense in a related way to the given discussion or summary of the article. Again, the missing article reference really makes it difficult to assess your work. It seems to be alright, but I can't be sure. Please make sure to post the article or link to the article with the next essay that you write for this particular exercise. Thanks.

Letters / Motivation Letter to study " IT " master in Germany [4]

Karam, the motivation letter that you developed is not very strong. There is no clear "motivation" to study your masters in Germany. You need to relate the letter intention more towards your plans for your future that can be better supported by completing your studies in Germany. Specifically, you need to develop the reasons why you picked Clausthal in particular. How does the choice of university relate to your study plans? You mentioned that you plan to open an office services code in your country, is that the motivation for your interest to study in Germany? If that is so, you need to discuss these plans as a part of the essay. The information that your essay currently contains is boring, does not really offer a personal connection in terms of motivation, and sounds more like a generic essay based on commonly known information instead of researched information that is specific to your motivation reasons. Develop the weak points that I pointed out above and you should have a usable motivation letter by the end of your revision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: THE ORIGIN OF SUCCESS [4]

Nemo, please disregard the example opening statement that Phuc gave you as an example. While he meant well and did his best to imitate the way that I give examples for the opening statement, his example is very much wrong. When he posed a question at the start of the essay, he immediately created a prompt deviation which altered the whole original prompt discussion. If you do that, your essay will immediately fail because you are not discussing the correct prompt instructions. Rather than his example, note the one I am providing below instead because this is the correct version of the proper prompt requirement:

There is a group of people that have the belief that the individual success of a person is determined by his hard work and determination in life. Others believe that money and personal appearance, among other reasons, are more important indicators of the success of a person. In this essay, I will be discussing both points of view and offering a personal opinion that will reflect my belief in relation to this discussion topic.

The opening statement must never be more than a direct to the point personal interpretation of the given topic for discussion and the discussion instruction for the essay. Covering at least 3 sentences, this is the most pivotal part of the essay because once you make a mistake in the interpretation of the prompt instruction, the essay will not have a chance to pass, regardless of the strong discussion that you present because it will not be in accordance with the expected discussion criteria.

Your body paragraphs are too busy giving out too much partial information for it to be considered a coherent and cohesive discussion. Limit yourself to one topic per paragraph. So that means, the format is:

1. Paraphrase
2. Point of view 1 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
2. Point of view 2 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
3. Personal point of view with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)
4. Concluding statement

Do not write less than 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet the fully developed paragraph requirement of the essay. For the conclusion, just repeat the discussion topic (in a different manner), the most important points of the 3 paragraphs, and then close the essay with a closing sentence. Do not say "It seems to me...". Rather say "In conclusion, the different criteria for determining the success of a person in life..." That is the more appropriate way to start closing the essay discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Is it right? [2]

@Fiar the essay has a specific discussion instruction. You are to simply agree or disagree with the statement provided. It is not a compare and contrast, discuss both points of view and your personal opinion, or any other discussion format. It requires you to discuss your point of view based upon one line of reasoning only. That line of reasoning is what you should defend clearly throughout the 3 body paragraphs. Your discussion is not in accordance with the prompt requirement and as such, would garner a score no higher than 2 in my opinion. The mistake you made is very basic, you did not properly discuss the essay and as such, failed to fulfill the task requirements in the manner indicated. Due to that mistake, the whole essay failed the test. You need to be able to tell the difference between the different types of essay instructions that are used in a Task 2 essay. The minute that you do not properly represent the prompt requirements, by creating a prompt deviation, the whole essay will no longer be considered based on the remaining criteria. When you prove that you cannot understand simple English instructions, as seen in this essay that you created, the examiner will know that you are not ready to study in an all English environment yet.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 : The air traffic is bigger nowadays, which causes many problems [3]

Yulia, this is not a very good essay. I believe it would have a difficult time getting a passing score because of the way that you developed it. For starters, the opening paragraph has a tremendous problem. You did not state that you are the person who is disagreeing with the statement. You said that "It is disagreed" without actually stating who is disagreeing. In this instance, the essay is asking for your opinion, in the form of agreeing or disagreeing with the statement. Since you did not state that opinion in the opening statement, you changed the whole discussion for the essay. Which resulted in a different prompt discussion instruction being presented. The TA portion of the essay will not get a passing score and in the process, the whole essay will fail. In the essay, you should be taking ownership of the discussion by representing your beliefs and opinions regarding the statement. Use ownership words like "I believe, I am of the opinion, My point of view, I expect that" and other ownership phrases that will enhance your personal opinion in the essay. The way this is written, it will not score higher than a 2 because it barely responds to the task.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay: Inacurate Scientific Theories? [2]

Hi Patrick, I think you have written an essay that can get a 4 in this instance. You present some very good discussions regarding reasons that one should be skeptical of scientific theories. However, the samples that you give have some inconsistencies. Take for example, the part of the essay where you mentioned Global Warming. After you mentioned it, there was no development of that idea in the discussion. You said they claimed that there was no such thing as settled science. Rather than building on the Global Warming scientific theory, you immediately moved on to various other examples in the hopes of being able to impress the examiner with your knowledge of the topic, rather than your competence in the discussion of the topic.

Since the GRE requires that you look for the loopholes in your own discussion and then offer explanations as to why those loopholes are wrong or should not exist, it would be better if you focus on developing only one example per paragraph in relation to a chosen discussion presentation on your part. The GRE exam looks at your ability to analyze a given statement on an extremely deeper level than average. The analysis you presented became shallow in that aspect because you tried to discuss too much information in it. By the way, it would be beneficial for your essay if you refer to more recent scientific theories such as those proposed by Stephen Hawking and say, Elon Musk. That way, you show that you have a knowledge of the most current scientific discussions in relation to the prompt statement. It offers an opportunity for a higher score. There were a few problem sentences in your essay:


- ... HEALTHY dose


- What did Einstein do? Points deduction due to an incomplete sentence and thought process.

BTW, don't start an academic discussion with "And". That is a connecting word that, when placed at the start of the sentence makes the statement grammatically inaccurate as it does not connect one discussion to the next. The previous discussion ended with a period and therefore, cannot connect to the next sentence.

Undergraduate / 'Teacher Crush' and guitar play - for The Common App, prompt 5. [4]

Petra, you have developed an interesting paper. It tells a very interesting story of self-discovery and overcoming obstacles at the same time. However, the opening statement is not as inclusive as it should be in terms of the topics covered. You only wrote about learning how to play the guitar, you should have included a reference to your singing as well since that is more of a focal point in the essay when you compare it to learning how to play the guitar. The guitar story is the side development of you wanting to sing for Mr. Music Teacher. Focus the essay on the real topic that brought about your self-realization, the fact that you probably sang a few times in public and this led to the observation which in turn, brought your crush to ask to hear you sing, and so on and so forth. Try to shorten the story a bit as it seems to drag in the at the beginning. Perhaps focus on the reasons why you found yourself singing at times. That would make the essay stronger and offer a solid base of reference for the whole musically inclined discussion.

Graduate / ISB YLP essay 1-Your role in a team that made a significant contribution to the organization/college [2]

Supreet, don't mention the second group anymore because you are only being asked to represent one organization or college in the essay. Since you don't have enough characters remaining to develop an explanation about that group, it is best to just focus all of the word allotment on the group you already presented. You need to develop the portion that pertains to the exam that the 10th graders took. Explain how you led the team to train the students and prepare them for the test. What do you believe your most pivotal role was during the exam preparation? Why do you think that qualifies as your most significant contribution to the group at that time? Just develop that portion because I believe it needs to be better presented because of the way that it connects to your leadership and influencing skills within the group. By the way, after you introduce the group name in full, you need to make a short reference to the fact that it is called "MAD" by most people. That way, when you first make reference to the acronym, the reviewer will not be shocked by it and wonder what you are talking about.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] CLASSMATES WIN HANDS DOWN ON THEIR INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN'S SCHOOL SUCCESS! [3]

Whoah Johnny! The essay that you wrote is not one that is easy to keep track of discussion wise and doesn't properly address the prompt requirement either. The instruction was for you to agree or disagree with the statement provided. As I read your essay, what became clear is that your essay was discussing a prompt that you created in relation to your opinion regarding the given statement. That shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirement and, while the line of reasoning can still be used for the original prompt, the problem, is that you showed a lack of English comprehension skills in terms of being able to follow given instructions. You must only discuss an essay in the manner dictated by the original instructions. So your last sentence in your opening paragraph should have reflected an agreement with the given statement before you launched into the relevant discussion that you created.

By the way, your body paragraphs should never be longer than 5 sentences long. In the actual test setting, you will have only 30 minutes to complete this task. Which means you only have 10 minutes to outline your essay, another 10 minutes to draft, and another 10 to finalize. Bearing in mind the steps required for the writing process, you will not have enough time to write this many words during the actual test. Practice developing only one reason per paragraph. That means, the topic sentence is at the start and then the rest of the paragraphs are the supporting reasons. Don't go beyond 5 sentences each. Learn to create cohesive and coherent paragraphs. That is what your presentation lacks at the moment.

As for the discussion you provided, you decided to get all technical in your presentation when a simple representation of your personal experience and reasons in relation to the given topic would have been the best way to defend your stance. In the TOEFL essay, more weight is given to exam takers who can use personal experiences in their presentation because this shows a deeper understanding of the prompt requirements and allows the students to better express themselves in English.

Keep the paragraphs short but informative. Use personal statements whenever possible. Those are some of the key traits you have to develop if you want to gain a better final TOEFL score.

Writing Feedback / The illustration describes the process in which bricks are made for constructing purposes [3]

Tran, your paragraphs are too short to be fully analytical of the procedure illustrated. You must use fully developed explanatory paragraphs for this essay. Rather than trying to explain to you what the mistakes are in your essay, I will show you a better developed version of this essay instead. That way you can learn better based upon the example I will be providing. Here is the example for you:

The graphic illustration describes the 7 steps involved in the creation of bricks. The illustration also depicts the two methods by which the clay mixture is shaped into bricks. This essay will detail the seven steps required to create the brick mixture and also discuss the two options for brick creation.

The first step in the process requires that the clay be dug from the ground. A roller is then used to break down the clay into smaller pieces using a metal grid. This initial product is then mixed with sand and water.

The next step requires the clay, sand, and water mixture to be shaped into bricks. There are two methods by which this can be performed. The first is by

using a brick block mould. This block is then cut into brick shapes using a wire cutter. The second method, is by pouring the solution into individual brick moulds. Regardless of which procedure is used, the end result is the same, a brick which is ready for the final stages of production is created.

The bricks are then baked in a drying oven for 24-48 hours. It is baked at a heat measurement of 200 degrees Celsius before it is transferred to a 1300 degree Celsius kiln. From there, the bricks move to a cooling chamber where it dries out within 2-3 days. After the cooling process, the brick is then packed and transferred to a truck for delivery.

Note the precise details in my example and the combination of simple to complex sentences that were used in the body of paragraphs. That is what you should aim for in your next practice test. The example above is a level 9 Task 1 essay.

Undergraduate / The Common App Essay - Topic 2 - Failure and experience for the future [6]

Van, your essay gets too long to get to the point. The introductory paragraph is totally unnecessary as the reviewer doesn't have the time tor read such a well developed, but irrelevant statement paragraph in the essay. The most important thing that you have to remember in a common app prompt is that you have only 3 sentences or less than a minute to make the reviewer interested in what you have written. If you waste that time by simply explaining what it is you are writing about, then you will lose his interest by the second sentence. Just get to the point. That is all you have to do in order to respond to the question in the most accurate manner. When I read this essay, I found that your first paragraph tended to change the slant of the prompt requirement. It made me wonder what you were talking about, not because it was interesting, but because it was not related to the prompt you were given. Have you opened with the narrative about the teacher giving the test papers back with scores, that would have been on the mark with the prompt instruction and held my interest because you were saying relevant to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Government role in reducing health concerns [2]

Thao, your opening statement would have been acceptable only if it did not contain a tremendously long run-on sentence, as well as a mistaken discussion statement. The opening statement should have at least 3 sentences in it that introduce the topic, give the discussion instructions, and introduces the method of discussion of the essay. Hence:

There are some countries that have seen a rise in health problems due to its population's increasing amount of fast-food intake. This is fast becoming a problem for governments. In order to curb this problem, it has been suggested that the government must impose a fast-food tax. I am in total agreement with this opinion and the reasons why I support it will be discussed below.

The essay cannot agree with the statement because the essay is not writing itself. You are writing the essay. Therefore, it is your opinion that needs to be stated. Don't be afraid to use first person pronouns in that instance.

In the first paragraph, the correct formation of the word is consumers not consumers'. You are using the plural form of the word so adding an S at the end is all that is required. Additionally, your clarification served to only confuse the readers. Stick to one reason and fully develop it, do not change discussions midstream. That is not going to help your score. You did not accurately explain your meaning when you added that information at the end of the paragraph.

The final paragraph, the concluding statement, is discussing additional information. Don't do that. The closing statement should merely restate the discussion topic, repeat your opinion, and then summarize the discussion points in order to remind the reader of the overall discussion. That will serve as the closing statement for the essay. No information should be discussed because you are only allowed 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss information related to the topic. You cannot go beyond that number of paragraphs for reasoning in a Task 2 essay.

Writing Feedback / A large proportion of budget should be diverted from treatment to spending on health and education [2]

John, this essay does not follow the required parameters of an IELTS Task 2 essay. All of your paragraphs do not fall under the required minimum 3 sentences in order to qualify as a full paragraph under the C&C scoring criteria. The opening paraphrase is incomplete (Btw, you are required to give us a copy of the original prompt for our analysis and comparison with your work. Please do that with your next essay) . All of your paragraphs have under developed discussion statements and do not really inform the reader in a complete manner. Your essay does not feel like you thoroughly analyzed the given prompt because all of your responses are short summaries. It is almost as if you are afraid to develop your discussions into a full length form. This is not the kind of essay that would pass in an actual test setting. Since this is your first essay, you have room for improvement. It is important that you learn how to properly develop your opening statement, your discussion process, and your concluding paragraph. Looking at and reading the examples for various IELTS Task 2 essays that are posted here will help you familiarize yourself with the essay requirements.

Undergraduate / I am applying as a transfer student to A&M. SOP essay [2]

Michael, this is a very interesting personal statement. How I wish that you could use it as statement of purpose, but you can't. You need to write a new essay that better represents the required information related to a statement of purpose essay. For example, as a transfer student, you need to explain why you wish to eventually transfer to A&M. What is the purpose of your desire to transfer? Explain what your course of interest is, why you feel that completing it A&M would be the best way for your complete your studies, and what background you have, academically, that makes you a good candidate as a transfer student. A statement of purpose needs to indicate your capacity to survive as a student at A&M. It sounds to me like you are applying to A&M more because of the Lacrosse team than because of its academic opportunities. The focus of the statement of purpose must be academic as it signifies an academic desire that you wish to pursue. Discuss your previous academic qualifications and how it has helped prepare you for the transfer. What I don't understand at this point is why you are applying to A&M when you admit that you will be starting studies at a different university this upcoming semester. Is this an early application? If it is, I think it is too early to be writing this essay.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A well-rounded student is more likely to obtain success in the future [6]

@toetoefldog there are numerous spelling mistakes in your essay that show how you are familiar with English vocabulary, but not with the spelling of these words. Let me point out some of those for you: condusive = conducive, persuiting - pursuing, phenominon = phenomenon, squnder = squander, extinctive = extensive, activitis = activities, and a host of other spelling errors.

There is also the way that you start your sentences that pose a problem. For example, you can never say "According to me" because the phrase "According to" means that you are referring to a statement or experience of another person, someone other than yourself. The correct opening phrase is "In my experience..." Also, you should never start an academic sentence with "and" because that is a connecting word. Using it at the start of a sentence doesn't connect it to anything so it creates a sentence that has the wrong grammar structure. Remember, the sentence structures will be considered in the final scoring so you have to try and create properly spelled out and grammatically correct sentences at all times.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: How do you judge the higher proportion of elder people in many countries? [3]

Hi Johnny, it is highly unfortunate that your essay, though well written would not get a passing score as a Task 2 essay. The failure of your essay once again, comes in the form of your discussion. It does not follow the required prompt requirement. You were only supposed to discuss one personal opinion. That of the negative, as indicated in your final sentence. There was no instruction to discuss both sides or compare both sides in the essay. The prompt just asked you if this was a positive or negative development. Again, the presence of the word "or" means pick a side, one side, for expanded discussion in the essay. While your essay discussion has improved somewhat, until you can learn to understand what the prompt requirement is for the discussion, it will be hard for you to get a passing grade on the essay. Do me a favor, click on the "Similar Discussions" link on this page and read the other essays written on a similar topic in this forum. Pay attention to the way they wrote their essays and learn from the advice given to them. You are a good writer, you just need to make sure that you understand the kind of discussion required for different essay discussion instructions.

Writing Feedback / Internet made a lot of changes in how we search for and spread information [4]

Anh, I have to say, I am very impressed with the essay that you wrote. The paraphrasing, though not perfect, is more than acceptable. It had an interesting hook that did not deviate from the prompt subject, it created an interesting method of introducing the topic statement through a question. Then strongly closed the paragraph with an informative thesis sentence.

Now, there is a problem with the fluency of your grammar. There are certain instances when you have hanging instead of complete sentences such as


, in this instance, you need a connecting word "that" in order to create a complete thought process in the sentence. That is the main problem in your body paragraphs actually. You need to learn when to use a connecting word in order to complete the sentence.

Considering your discussion though, it is coherent and cohesive in a simple manner. What will impress the examiner is that you are using examples and information that is commonly known to the public. So you are coming across a well read and highly informed in terms of current events. This is a well developed essay in terms of content. I just wish though that you had better developed your resolution discussion in terms of suggestions. It was too short and not as informative as your previous paragraphs. That is, for me, the weakest paragraph in this essay.

The concluding statement though, it should have just wrapped up the discussion by providing a summary of the discussion content of the essay. Even with that mistake though, the essay will still get a very good score, possibly more than passing, in an actual test setting.

Undergraduate / My goal: to become successful and to make a positive impact on the lives of others. Cornell Essay [2]

Charlene, the essay is interesting to read once you get over the fact that the establishing paragraph does not give the reviewer any information as to the actual topic of your supplemental essay. Since this is a "free topic" essay, it would be best for you to do a number of things in order to make this more interesting and relevant to the reader. First, you need to develop an interesting title for the essay. Something that relates to your overall target in writing the essay. After that, it would be best if you can develop your own prompt requirement and then phrase it in an interesting manner in your first paragraph. That way, the reviewer will immediately know what the purpose and point of this supplemental essay is. Don't place all that information at the end of the essay, try to move it up to an earlier portion of the essay. Before you tell the story of the music volunteer program and the student who inspired you to become a manager / leader. That way, when you tell the story, everything already makes sense to the reviewer and the story merely drives the point that you are trying to make, home for the reader.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] The best solution for traffic jam is providing free public transport? [3]

Hue, your answer to the task runs counter to the discussion prompt that you were provided. Rather than discussing whether or not you agree with the opinion presented, you are instead, discussing why the government should give solutions to the problem. That change in the prompt requirement on your part will result in a failing score for this essay. Why will it fail? It will fail because it cannot get a score higher than a 1. The reason for the score? The essay does not accurately respond to the prompt instructions. As such, it will automatically get a failing mark in terms of TA considerations. Although the body of the essay does provide a traffic related response, it does not provide a justification for the expected agreement or disagreement with the original prompt instructions. This is evidence that a different essay prompt was created and discussed by the exam taker. As such, the examiner will have no choice but to bestow a failing grade on the TA portion. Once that portion fails, the whole essay fails, regardless of other scoring considerations because the discussion does not align itself with the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Young People's Dependency on Changing World [3]

Alta, you failed to respond to the prompt statement at the end of your opening paraphrase. This being a TOEFL essay, means that you must indicate your opinion at the end of the paragraph. This creates the subject statement or thesis statement for your essay. By failing to do this, you have altered the prompt requirements and have shown a clear lack of English comprehension skills when it comes to given instructions. You are not being asked for the reasons that young people are still dependent upon their parents. Rather, you are being asked to defend your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Since your opening paraphrase did not properly represent the discussion, the whole slant of your essay discussion development has been altered to the point where it does not accurately respond to the original prompt requirements. With that indication, it would appear that your essay will most likely, not get a score higher than a 1 due to questionable response that you made in relation to the task provided.

Scholarship / Leading three independent teams of 500 members. Chevening: Leadership & Influence Section [3]

Jeffrey, I don't understand why you would use a college leadership experience for such an important scholarship application. You indicated in the final part of your essay that you continue to use the same leadership and influencing skills in your capacity as a site engineer. By all means, use the site engineer work experience in relationship to leadership and influencing for the essay. That will have a more direct impression on the reviewer than your amateur leadership skills in college. Using a relevant experience from your professional career creates a competitive edge for your essay when compared side by side with other applicants who are beefing up their applications with professional leadership and influencing experiences. Don't be left behind. Don't use a college event experience in this essay because it will not be able to stand up to the scrutiny of of the reviewer who will be considering it alongside some more impressive candidates with professional leadership experience. Revise the essay. Don't use the college part, instead, focus on an impressive event from your professional life when you were called upon to lead and influence your subordinates. That will create a more relevant and prompt aligned essay response for you.