Writing Feedback / The pie charts compare the percentage of a certain school's expenditure annually in UK [2]

Susan, your work cannot be scored because you did not upload the image that was provided to you for your reference in developing your summary essay. It is a pity that you did not upload the image because I can only give you advice once. Without the image for reference, I am unable to give you a complete review, inclusive of a score. While you did write more than 150 words, you did not properly format the essay. You ended up with only 2 paragraphs instead of the normal 3-5 paragraphs per essay summary. Had you properly divided the content and summary of your second paragraph, you would have at least come up with the required 3 paragraph (minimum) essay. By the way, the summary overview needs to be at least 3 sentences long, as with the your concluding paragraph as well. Your second paragraph should have only had 5 sentence maximum also. You have to learn how to divide your discussions, while also lengthening it to 5 sentences so that you can develop complex word structures and fully developed explanations in your paragraphs. I am not sure if your essay accurately depicts the image you were provided since you did not upload it with this essay. I am sorry but I cannot perform a miracle. I cannot score your essay because of the missing image. Neither can I review your essay again, then score it, even if you upload the image after this posting because contributors are limited to one advice per thread / essay. I will however, score your next practice test if you remember to upload the image for my reference.

Writing Feedback / The graph gives information about drinking habits in the US by age. [2]

Hoang, you are not properly summarizing the information referred to you for reference in the graph. Aside from identifying the type of graph in the illustration, you need to complete your summary outline by referring to the specific overview information that was provided. A sample summary overview for this essay is as follows:

The bar chart illustrates the drinking habits by age of US drinkers. The percentage and age of drinkers are indicated in the chart. Additionally, the type of drinkers has also been noted for reference. The following paragraphs will break down the chart information for comparison purposes.

Note that my sample follows the mandatory minimum of 3 sentences which indicates a full paragraph. You should have combined your second and third paragraph information in order to meet the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph since the information you presented is related. Overall though, you did a pretty good job of offering the most obvious information in the bar chart. There is no right or wrong way of analyzing the chart. What is important is that you can clearly explain the contents of the chart to the reader and I believe that you did exactly that, with a few mistakes as noted above.

Writing Feedback / We can not help everyone in the world that needs help... [2]

Albert, unless the prompt indicates specific problems and issues to be addressed in the essay, it would be best for you to keep to the original presentation of the prompt in your paraphrasing. This will show that you understand the discussion and will allow you to increase the task accuracy scoring of your essay. In this case, by focusing on specific topics for discussion in your paraphrasing, you totally changed the slant of your discussion. Not to mention, you said "I totally disagree", which is a different essay discussion approach from "I disagree to a certain extent due to several reasons I will be presenting", which is more aligned with the prompt instruction / question of "To what extent..." Do you see how the two discussion approaches change simply because you changed a few words in your paraphrasing? You ended up changing the whole essay discussion and instruction. Even your line of reasoning was affected in the second paragraph by this mistake.

Nelson Mandela focused his whole life on beating apartheid in South Africa. He was an inspiration to the world alright but, until later on in his life, he was solely focused on the problems of South Africa alone and did not really meddle in world politics as your paragraph seems to imply. Indeed, he served as an inspiration to others in other countries, but his focus was on securing the freedom of the native South Africans in their home country.

This mistake in your discussion would not have occurred if you had properly paraphrased the original prompt and its discussion requirements. In your next practice test, do your best to stick to the original instructions and make sure you understand the method of discussion before you start drafting your essay. If necessary, have others explain the instructions to you. That way you avoid making mistakes in your response writing.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts compare home ownership and renting for 1991 and 2007 in percentage term. [3]

Hoang, the next time you have your IELTS Task 1 essay reviewed, please do not forget to upload the image file as well. The image will help me to assess the quality of your analysis and any overlooked parts of the graph you were given. At the moment, I will be unable to tell you if you did a good job or not with your analysis because I can only base the analysis on the information that you have given. Therefore, I will not analyze your content and accuracy but rather, your formatting. The formatting that you have is not very good. The summary analysis is only a single sentence when you should have at least 3 sentences that should outline the discussion for the upcoming paragraphs. you have a second paragraph that is acceptable in terms of analysis, although, you should practice presenting the complete information in sentences instead of using parenthesis for emphasis. The parenthesis does not indicate any analysis of the given data and should be avoided whenever possible. Your third paragraph is one sentence short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. Your final paragraph is in an acceptable format although, as I mentioned previously, I cannot assess if you have completely and accurately represented the information given to you because of the lack of illustration. Don't bother uploading the image now since I can only give you one review per essay. It will be useless because as a contributor, I am no longer going to be able to re-assess your work based on the image.

Book Reports / The Nature of Humans: Violence. An analytical essay based on the short story "The Large Ant". [3]

Davis, somehow this paper seems like a rehash of the easily available online reviews of "The Large Ant". It lacks the feel of an in-depth analysis of a person who actually read the story and considered the dialogue that you chose to quote within your essay. As your instructor, I would need more evidence of a deeper understanding on your part of the actions that Morgan took. How did he feel when he woke up to the ant in his room? Why do you think his first instinct was to grab the golf club and hit it? There is no foundation for your decision that killing is a part of human nature. If you can throw in some logical reasons for his actions then there would be a justification for saying that "killing is human nature". Review the situation and the mindset that he head leading up to his killing the ant. Though it seems like there was no decision making process involved, an analysis of the event will show that Morgan had reasons for his actions. It may not be obvious at first, but the reasons are there. Review the story from a deeper point of view.

Your second paragraph is running too long. Please divide that into 2 paragraphs. Cut it where your next thought process in the analysis of the essay begins. Also, do not leave any disconnected sentences in the essay. Place that stand alone essay with a specific paragraph because it makes no sense to have stand alone quotes that do not have adequate explanations to support them. In fact, using successive quotes in an essay of any sort is frowned upon because instructors view that as a scapegoat in order to meet a word count without having to actually write anything of significance in the essay.

Don't forget to double check your punctuation and sentence structures. I spotted a few mistakes here and there that could still be changed based upon the revision of your content. So those mistakes may or may not remain in the final version of your essay. I am just calling your attention to it so that you will know it exists and you can proof read your essay when you are done revising it.

Writing Feedback / Skill development among children does not go hand in hand with technology use [4]

Do, when you write your next practice essay, use a timer. Complete the essay within a 30 minute time frame. This essay was obviously written without you using a timer which caused you to write paragraphs out of format. The normal format for an essay is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. What you wrote is excessively long and believe me, you will not have the liberty to develop this length of an essay when you take the actual test. Your tendency will be to go blank and you will barely be able to write 3 sentences per paragraph at that point. So practice writing under time constraint. You will be better equipped during the actual test. I guarantee it.

Now, the next time that you place an essay for review, please include the original prompt requirement so that I will know what parameters you are writing the essay by and if you were able to successfully accomplish the task per the instructions you were provided. Like I said, this essay is very well written, but runs counter to the expected format and paragraph developments for essay writing. I will not score you at this point because this is your first practice essay. This essay would not get a passing score in the actual test because of the improper presentation, grammar problems, and possibly, problematic paraphrasing and concluding paragraphs.

Regardless of the problems though, I want you to concentrate on writing within the allotted time frame. As you become more relaxed and used to the timer set-up, your written essay, in its overall consideration should also begin to improve.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Nowadays people communicate in different way with each other because of technology [2]

Chen, you want to know the biggest problem that I see with this essay? You focused on a specific technology for discussion instead of keeping the general discussion that the prompt requirement instructed you to develop. There was no technology indicated by name and yet you felt the need to indicate specific, named, technology in your essay. You would have scored better if you simply focused on the general technology descriptions as previously indicated. Saying "email, texting, video calls, social media" were all more acceptable forms of referring to technology other than being specific to Snapchat, IPhone, etc. This shows that you understood the instructions but had no idea how to properly discuss it. This brings me to the problem in your opening statement. Rather than using a continuous discussion by using the word "and", you should have instead used a full stop and indicated that this would be a positive discussion as a separate sentence. After all, each part of the original prompt should have been represented as a separate sentence in the paraphrasing. The opening paragraph should have reversed the original presentation from that of questions, to sentences of facts. Also, the term is "paddling" which means "the act of propelling a small boat forward by using a paddle." Padding describes soft material such as foam or cloth used to pad or stuff something". You meant to say "paddling" right? Overall, the score for this essay would most likely be a 4.

Writing Feedback / In about 300 words, describe one thing you would like to see changed or improved in your own country [4]

Pha, complete this essay in two paragraphs. The first paragraph introduces the problem that you want to see resolved / changed / improved in your country. Be specific about the problems in education that you feel most affect the quality of teaching in Vietnam. Then, in the second paragraph, explain why you feel that changes need to be implemented. Write this as a cause and effect essay in order to make it more informative and relevant to the discussion. It is easy to complete this within 300 words, composed of 2 paragraphs. You need to make sure that you divide the essay into the discussion sections so that it will be easier for the reviewer to consider your essay information. Try to pick only big problem related to education that you want to resolve so that you can present the problem in 150 words. Then use the remaining 150 to justify the need for the improvement in that sector. It is that simple and easy to revise your essay response. You have too much going on in the current essay for it to become memorable to the reviewer. So keep it simple in content and presentation. That will give you a better chance of impressing the reviewer.

Undergraduate / UChicago: choose from one of our old prompts or create your own. Harvard: a topic of your choice. [2]

Ada, when you write this essay, it is best for you to develop your prompt statement first. What is it that you want to write about? Then come up with a creative title that best reflects the purpose of your prompt. If you can't come up with a good title, then use a prompt statement instead that explains what you will be writing about. From all of the work that you have written, my observation is that you are not capable of telling your story directly. You are always spending too much time on the background or basis of the story, which turns into a full essay unto itself. You must stop doing that. Your introduction should never be more than a paragraph long. The whole essay should be no more than 500 words long even with a 650 word maximum. It is not the length of the essay but the content of the essay that matters. If it is long but pointless, as your current essay is, then it won't help your application.

You must learn to clearly state your purpose without wasting the time of the examiner, who has to wade through a full page introduction before you get to the point. The point of your essay should come by the second paragraph. Not the second page, which is what is happening in this current essay of yours. If this is about your first time riding an airplane then make that clear from the first paragraph. Integrate the adventurous person into the paragraphs that follow. Don't write that as a separate page. Try to complete the essay within only 5 paragraphs in order to efficiently present your essay and prevent the reviewer from becoming bored with your essay because it takes you too long to get to the point.

If you feel that you cannot properly develop this essay on your own, then please consider our writing services above so that I can assist you in developing the paper in the best manner possible. You have to pick one story to tell, learn to most effectively present that story, and then actually write it in a manner that is best suited for your application essay. None of these essay will work so don't waste your time developing it further.

Undergraduate / Summer Research Opportunity at Johns Hopkins University [2]

Brayan, I like the background that you wrote regarding your interest and pursuit of Neuroscience training. It is clear an definitely impressive but, it falls short of the required elements for the essay. That is, what is it about the John Hopkins Program that is of interest to you. That is, in relation to your extensive background in this field. It would be best if you could show a degree of familiarity with the program, basing your expectations of what you hope to accomplish through the training program in this field. Do some additional research about the summer internship program you are interested in. Find out what it was like for others who have participated in it. Then write an essay that showcases the highlights of the experience of others that you know will help you become a better professional in the future. The essay is not about your background, this is about how the program offered ties in with your plans. Reverse the essay content and focus on how the program offerings will help you train to be better at your future job instead. What program specifics caught your eye that led to your applying for the program? Explain why these program offerings tie in directly with your experience and how or why you hope to gain further insight during your tenure with the program.

Scholarship / One swipe can save many times and health... [7]

Robel, your statement of purpose lacks focus and more importantly, a point. You have relayed so much information that your background in computers is clear. However, what you really want to do is not. The essay is grammatically incorrect in so many places that the paragraphs just run on and on without actually making sense. A statement or purpose, this essay is pointless. You need to clarify a number of things in order to bring the focus of this essay into the proper context.

The first thing you have to do is remove the story about your dad walking from bank to bank. While it is a touching story, is does not directly connect with the rest of your essay. What we need is a personal or professional purpose for your interest in this course. That is something that you can depict by properly explaining the background of your interest in computer engineering. Since your foundation is in Electrical engineering, you will need to convince the reviewer that you have a connected (to electrical engineering) purpose or a personal purpose for the degree shift. Why did you start at Point A but now want to transfer to Point B? That is the point of the essay. Successfully explain your shift in interest and why you feel that you will be more successful in this path, by naming a particular accomplishment you wish to achieve in the field, then your statement of purpose will be better understood, regardless of the shift in courses.

After that, you need to better explain why you feel that you will be most successful if you complete your undergraduate degree in Korea. Where does your interest in Korea as a country, in its culture, and its educational system come from? Try to present a deep interest in learning about your possible host country and explain why you believe that completing your education at this university in particular, will be beneficial to your career. That explanation as of now is vague and not really interesting to read.

I am sorry that I cannot assist you with further improving your essay beyond this point as I am only allowed to assist every student once with an essay review. Should you wish to have me assist you further with this paper, as it will be a long revising process, please consider making this thread urgent. You can contact a moderator to assist you in doing that. If you do not make this an urgent thread, I will not be able to review your revised essay. My apologies in advance.

Undergraduate / Rubik's Cube similarities to the world - Common App Essay. [3]

Your essay does not satisfy the prompt requirements Peggy. You cannot discuss both the Rubics Cube and the hospital experience. You do not understand what the prompt is demanding of you so I will try to explain it to you. You have a chosen college major right? You know what you want to study in college and why. So think about the surrounding circumstances that brought you to that decision. Why this major over the others? What problems does it pose before you and why you do feel that by studying this course, you will be able to help provide a solution to the problem? Or, look at it from another angle. There are times in your life when you are prevented from accomplishing some things that you wish to do. Have you ever encountered an obstacle with regards to a problem that you had to get around in order to accomplish the task of solving the problem? What was that obstacle and how did you get around it? Another way to look at this is with regards to how you view your life. Have you ever had a problem that you felt could never be resolved? What was the problem? What possible solutions did you face? Which solution did you decide to use and why? These are all different ways by which you can approach your response to this essay. The Rubics Cube story, though interesting, does not properly address the questions posed by the essay and a proper resolution that would show off your problem solving skills. The reviewer wants to know how you function in difficult situations. Do you just give up when a problem arises? Or do you figure out a way to resolve the issue? Are you a creative problem solver or a realist when it comes to proposing and implementing solutions? These are the character traits that you have to portray in your response so that the reviewer can get to know you better. The most important representation you have to make is the one that connects the problem to you on a personal basis. So go beyond the cube and find something more character driven that shows off your determination and focus to succeed.

Writing Feedback / The importance of local history as opposed to world history [3]

Linh, why are you discussing a compare and contrast essay when you are being asked to represent your personal opinion on a specific matter? The prompt clearly states that you have to discuss your degree of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. This is not something that you were able to accomplish in the paraphrasing / opening statement. Neither did you successfully argue one side of the discussion , as required, within the body of paragraphs. Therefore, it is obvious that your lack of understanding of the prompt requirement has prevented you from properly addressing the prompt requirements.

This essay cannot score higher than a 3. That score is based upon your failure to properly address the task that you were given for the essay. I am sad to give you that score but that is the reality of your work. Instead of a compare or contrast, you should have picked one side to defend in the essay by closing your opening paraphrase with ; "While I believe that the learning of world and national history are of equal importance, more attention must be paid to the learning of national history to a larger extent based upon several reasons."

Based upon the mistakes you made in the overall discussion of the essay, your concluding statement also became flawed and improper. You even added new information in your concluding statement, which further showed that you are incapable of properly closing an essay. The proper close of this sort of essay should merely summarize the given topic, the discussion provided, and a repeat of your opinion, if required. Then the essay can close is complete. Saying "In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that..." would have been sufficient to have your concluding statement follow the necessary parameters of a properly developed essay discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Graph of employment rates in three sectors of UK economy [8]

Tommy, you need to practice better analytical skills when writing these essays. In this exercise, your lack of complete analysis resulted in an incomplete summary overview of the included information for discussion. It can also do with a better paraphrasing of the original instruction because at the moment, it still sounds highly similar to the original and therefore, doesn't really show an increased lexical resource on your part. Unfortunately, there is no way that you can increase your lexical resource capacity overnight. Not even if you try to memorize a whole synonym and antonym book will that work. A vocabulary is something that you build over time. So don't aim to create complex sentences right from the start. Instead, aim to write accurate simple sentences first. You are not being scored on the "complex" words that you are using, you are being scored on the accuracy of your sentences and word usage. So using simple sentences will be just as effective as using complex words, provided it is used in the right manner. If you want to continue to build your English vocabulary, then the only thing you can do is to continue reading and writing in English. There is nothing more than you can do other than that. Always have a dictionary handy, there is an app for that, so that you can immediately look up a word meaning. Then try to remember the words and how it was used. If you are lucky, you will find an opportunity to use the word in an essay you will be writing.

Writing Feedback / Problems and Solutions to the Increase in Number of Flights as a Result of Tourism (IELTS) [4]

Jason, avoid beginning your discussion of the given topic in the opening statement. That is because the opening statement is being used to judge the task accuracy aspect of your English skills. That is why you are only required to properly paraphrase the prompt and outline your upcoming discussion this paragraph. The main purpose of the opening statement is to prove to the examiner that you have a complete understanding of the given topic and the discussion method that is being required of you. The line of reasoning that you gave in your body paragraphs are excellent. You have managed to properly represent the discussion of the problems and possible solutions related to the increased number of flights. Your conclusion should have given a more definite repetition, in paraphrased form of the topic for discussion. By doing that, the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences would have been met. Other than these problems, your ability to properly discuss a given topic is clear in this exercise.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay - Tell us about something you do simply for the pleasure of it. (100 words) [5]

Suraj, the exercise that you describe does not suit the prompt provided. You are still referring to an activity that you enjoy doing in relation to your chosen college major. This is not something that you do in order to pass time, relax, or help you to unwind after a hectic and stressful day. For this prompt, you need to show the reviewer that you know how to let your hair down and that you enjoy other activities other than those related to your chosen profession / college major. Something along the lines of how you feel relaxed after a swim, or eating at your favorite restaurant, or even sharing a guilty pleasure would align itself better to the prompt expectations than this current essay of yours. Start from scratch. Don't use this essay. Consider something that you do just because you enjoy doing it, other than something related to the trading of stocks or your college major. That way, you let the reviewer get to know the civilian side of your personality. Don't dwell on the academic side of your existence. There needs to be a balance to that and this prompt will allow you to present the idea of how you balance your academic and personal life.

Essays / How to write an essay about yourself ? [15]

Consider the time when you first came to learn about VCU, what made you decide that this would be the right place for you to begin your out of the country education? Write those reasons down on a separate page. Now, think about who you are in terms of the way your countrymen and relatives see you. Do you like the way they perceive who you are or not? List down your qualities as a person that you feel are your strengths. Then try to connect it to your interest in VCU. How does VCU connect with your idea of your personal development? The combination of these individualized information will create the representation of who you are in relation to your interest in VCU. You don't need to overthink things. Just focus on 2 things, why you believe you can succeed at VCU and how VCU can help you develop as a person. Then say that these are the information that you considered when you began to seriously consider attentind VCU.

Undergraduate / USC - Describe your academic interests with first and second choice majors. [4]

@mark_o The essay requires you to think forward regarding your academic time at USC. The requirement is that you prove that you have a plan for your studies and you have a clear idea as to how USC fits into you academic plans. For example, envisioning becoming a cutting edge neurosurgeon who develops an experimental technique while a student at USC would indicate a a familiarity with the science and computer department of the university. Knowing what your first and second major choices are will be integral to the writing of this essay because you can successfully merge the two into your career in the medical sciences. You need to be direct to the point in this instance. You are being too flowery in this version of the essay. It doesn't really tell the reviewer anything specific about your familiarity with the university. Talk directly to the reviewer. This is a formal interview, not a creative writing exercise. You have been asked a direct question so your response should also be as direct as possible. Don't beat around the bush, get to the point. He doesn't have time to ponder the meaning of your response.

Writing Feedback / It is neither possible nor useful for a country to provide univesity places for all young people [3]

Dang, in all instances, please remember to post the original prompt requirement along with your response essay. That will help me to better asses your written work and its compliance with the scoring rubic for your test. As of now, the general review for your essay will be given, without taking compliance and relevance to the original discussion topic into consideration. Now, your discussion is well developed and presented. However, you failed to properly expand upon your personal opinion, a requirement of the essay when you represent a personal opinion in the opening statement. It is understood that you outlined the discussion in the opening / paraphrased statement and therefore, will be presenting expanded discussions in the body paragraphs. That is precisely the reason why you are not allowed to present even a partial discussion of your personal opinion in the opening paragraph. That is something best represented in the a stand alone paragraph. Now, bear in mind that all the paragraphs need to have a minimum of 3 sentences in order to be considered a well developed / discussed paragraph. Your paraphrased and concluding statement do not follow this criteria and as such, will result in a marked down score for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Cooperation and competition are imperative and children should master both of these skills [3]

Kenzin, this essay had the potential to become a 7 band piece of work. Due to some specific mistakes on your part, in terms of the presentation of your discussion, that potentially high score went down to a 5. Let me explain why this happened. For starters, you are only to paraphrase, that is, state in your own words and understanding, what the original prompt topic and discussion requirements were. Under the development rules for the paraphrased statement, you are not allowed to present a full discussion of your opinion in this section. Mostly because the paraphrasing should be completed in 5 sentences, maximum, which does not allow you to properly develop the personal opinion in the essay. That is to be presented as an accurate and fully developed / discussed paragraph within the body of the essay. It should be located within one of the 3 body paragraphs. Not the opening statement. It is this mistake that totally brought down your score. Additionally, it would be in your best interest to not use idioms such as "status quo" if you are not sure about how it is spelled or used in a sentence. If you don't use the word properly then the "big" words and terms will pull down your score due to inaccurate use in a grammar setting. That is what happened in this essay. I hope you can avoid these mistakes in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Graph of employment rates in Australia, Switzerland, Iceland, UK, New Zealand, and US [3]

Katya, in your opening statement, always make sure that you present a proper overview of the information that you will be presenting in the essay. In your summary, you failed to indicate the included years of coverage that your summary analysis will be providing. Since the opening statement is expected to properly outline the discussion and over a glimpse into the required information for discussion, your summary will lose points for being an incomplete paraphrase of the graph provided. Your body paragraphs will also be scored down for not properly indicating digits related to the data for the countries of Iceland, New Zealand, and other countries other than Australia. This is a very lazily written analytical summary that does not bode well for you as a future researcher or masters degree student. Bear in mind that this essay test must prove that you have the analytical skills and ability to research and understand masters degree level information for use in your master thesis or dissertations. You should be able to show how you would properly utilize any given information. You failed to do that in this essay and that, is a very sorry thing. This lack of analytical ability or simply, a disregard for a thorough study of the information presented in the illustration shall result in your failure to pass this test or get an extremely low, barely passing score.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Social life at work and outside work. Discuss [4]

Hang, when you write the opening statement, you are instructed to only restate the topic for discussion and the discussion type within the paragraph. You are not allowed to present nor discuss your personal opinion in the essay. Therefore, your opening statement should have merely indicated that you would be discussing your personal opinion of the issue later on in the essay. That said, I did not see an accurately developed personal opinion in the essay. Are you sure you were being asked to present a personal opinion by the original prompt? I did not see such an instruction in the directions that you posted. If you write a personal opinion when it is not required, your essay will be scored down due to a lack of understanding of the essay instructions. So double check and make sure that you responded accurately based upon your copy of the instructions. Avoid any score mark downs as best as possible because you need to increase, not decrease your scores. Your discussions in the body paragraphs are solid and informative. It creates the opinion that you are familiar with the topic for discussion and that you are speaking from personal knowledge and perhaps, experience. The only problem I have is that you did not offer an expanded personal opinion discussion in the latter part of the essay. So I think there might be a misunderstanding regarding the prompt discussion instructions. Other than that, you did some pretty good work in discussing the provided topic.

Undergraduate / UChicago and Harvard Topic of your choice essay. [2]

Mari, unfortunately, this essay will not work. It just a rehash of your baking essay. In fact, you redirected the essay towards the end to discuss baking again. In order to properly write this open topic essay, you need to find a more interesting topic to discuss. Reviewers often look for certain quirks or interesting qualities or hobbies that you have which will help the reviewer learn something unique about you. Something that the common app prompts did not allow you to present. It will be best if you get over the fixation with baking and try to discover something more interesting about you to present to the reviewer. Also, in order to avoid any complications in your application regarding double submissions of the same essay, try your best to present two different essays to the different universities. This will be to your benefit because you can present a better essay to your first choice university. At this point, I would not advice you to continue using this essay. Like I said, come up with a more interesting personal presentation for yourself. This is your opportunity to call the attention of the reviewer to something about you that might make your application stand out. Don't waste it by presenting boring and repeated discussions from the common app prompts. Post your new essay in a new thread so that I can advice you there regarding your new essay. We have a one essay per thread policy here so don't post your new essay within this thread as it will be deleted by the admin when they discover it. Start a new thread with a separate essay. One new essay per university. Don't slack off and submit the say essay to all the universities you are applying to. Even your essays need to provide unique information based upon the personal reasons you have for applying at a university. Your topics are limitless, so do your best to leverage this opportunity in your application essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Being economically success while at the same time having a clean environment? [3]

Jenny, you have written a very well discussed essay. The two opinions public opinions based upon the prompt requirement are some of the best that I have read in all my time as a contributor at this forum. You did very well in representing your personal opinion as well. Creating a stand alone paragraph for your personal opinion shows an advanced writing level on your part as you knew that the personal opinion needs to be presented as a separate but integrated part of the essay. The only problem that I have with your work is that you are not familiar with the sentence structure development rules yet. You tend to create run on sentences instead of using full stops which would have helped you to create simple to complex sentences that would have helped to boost your final score. This would also help you meet the proper paragraph sentence requirement of between 3-5 sentences. If you use full stops, you could create a properly developed paragraph. At the moment, your paragraphs are too long per sentence. Learn to divide the sentences and your paragraphs as part of your grammar accuracy exercises in your next essay. This is the main problem that I can see with your writing. It isn't anything major that can't be corrected over time. Try to accomplish these changes in your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / Changes in family structure and its member_gender role => What changes occur? Positive or negative? [4]

Ngan, kindly remember to post the original prompt for the essay in the future so that your essay can be better assessed for discussion instruction compliance and additional considerations. At the moment, your essay can only reviewed on a general basis and cannot be given any scoring considerations so you will not know if this essay would have passed the test or not. I have a problem with the way that you wrote the paraphrased opening paragraph. In the title, you used the terms "positive or negative" but in the actual essay, you use the term "advantageous". Please make sure to paraphrase the original prompt accurately because there is a difference between the terms that you used in the title and the terms that you used in the paraphrasing. One mistake in vocabulary or word usage and you will completely alter the topic for discussion in the essay. Once you alter the discussion topic, you will automatically fail the essay. While you did a good job in terms of justifying your line of reasoning, your concluding statement falls short of being an acceptable paragraph. Bear in mind that an acceptable conclusion will still need to follow the required minimum of 3 sentences to be considered a complete paragraph. This is a problem that is shared by your opening statement as well. The 2 bodies that you wrote fall directly within the 5 sentence maximum consideration so the improvements you have to make are all in the paraphrasing section of the essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / Railways vs roads - I consider both traffic systems equally important to our societies. [2]

Kevin, let's get one thing straight here. When you are given an opinion essay to write, specially one that specifically asks for the extent of your agreement or disagreement with a topic, such as in this case, you must signify that in the opening statement. You must choose only one point of view to discuss because of the descriptive instruction "OR" in the original prompt. The inclusion of the word "OR" means that you will discuss only the side that you support, not both sides.

The way that you discussed this essay clearly shows that you do not understand the instructions provided and will cause an automatic failure of this essay in the actual test process. Your essay response does not accurately represent the requirements you were provided with and therefore, cannot be considered for grading past the first portion of the scoring criteria. You cannot be graded on the remaining sections when you have already failed to properly understand the English instructions for the discussion essay. There is no use in scoring the remaining parts since it is obvious that you do not understand the discussion topic and instructions you were provided. The correct approach to this essay would have been:

There are some people who support the idea that the government should spend more money on the development of railway systems. Others believe that the government money would be better spent on developing road ways. In my opinion, I agree that the government should spend more money on developing the roads to a certain extent.

Use 2 paragraphs to defend your stance then conclude the essay by saying; "In conclusion, I would like to reiterate there is a requirement for the building of more roads as opposed to railways. This is supported by the fact that... In the end..."

Graduate / How to write a SOP for pursuing a master in computer engineering at University of South California? [4]

Xu, are you applying for graduate study courses immediately after graduating? The reason that I ask is because you are missing the most important element of a Statement of Purpose essay, that is the professional experience in relation to the development of your interest in this course. You see, the statement of purpose requires a professional connection with your studies in order to assure the reviewer that you are a student who will stay the full course and also have a professional necessity for the completion of the studies. Since the masters degree is used for knowledge transfer, it is imperative that you prove a professional background on your part. Basically, your SOP should contain the following information:

1. Your current work experience
2. The professional reasons why you require a graduate degree in this field. Make sure it connects to your work experience.
3. Explain if the course is relevant to a specific career plan or path for yourself and how it relates to your immediate and future career plans.

4. Justify your foundation in the course through a single paragraph summary of your college degree and awards or recognition received that show a clear practical talent in relation to the masters degree you have chosen.

Your final 2 paragraphs do not need to be changed because it perfectly sums up the requirements of a properly developed SOP. However, it should be combined into only one closing paragraphs since the SOP is considered complete within 500 words or 2 pages. So you need to combine information into paragraphs whenever possible. My listing provides you with the guideline regarding the missing elements of an effective statement of purpose. The reason part is the "purpose" of the essay so focus on developing that aspect as best as you can. Remember, the reviewer will appreciate short but informative paragraphs in relation to your SOP.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Teaching Situation in Classroom No Longer Exist by 2050 (Education) [2]

Karen, it would be best if you followed the proper manner of stating an agreement or disagreement with the given statement in a clear manner. In this instance, the best way to have presented your disagreement with the statement would have been to say the following: "I disagree with the statement that teachers and students will no longer exist in a classroom setting by the year 2050 to a certain extent. My belief is based upon several reasons that I will be discussing in the succeeding paragraphs."

It is important that you clearly state a degree of disagreement with the statement so that the outline section of your essay will be complete and accurate in its representation of the paraphrased prompt. By clearly stating that you disagree to a certain extent, you prepare the reader for the line of reasoning that you will be presenting in the forthcoming paragraphs. I have no problems with the line of reasoning that you state in paragraphs 2-3. However, the concluding statement contains a new set of discussion information that you should not have included there. That is because the concluding statement should have merely wrapped up the essay by saying; " It is for the aforementioned reasons that I believe the classroom will not be obsolete by the year 2050. New forms of classroom education will take its place in order to create a more effective manner of teaching in the 21st century. To be precise, classrooms will evolve into technology based, video conferencing style classrooms at that point in time, using technology to take the place of the physical classroom instead."

The conclusion should only summarize the important points of discussion in your essay as a recap of the discussion. This is to show that you are capable of paraphrasing not only the given statement, but also information that you provided personally for the essay. This will help to increase your final score because you can display your English thinking, comprehension, and writing skills to a greater degree.

Scholarship / Teaching context outline and an action plan containing measures to benefit a community [2]

Dany, your action plan for teaching upon your return is admirable and well suited to your line of work. However, your teaching context is muddled by the extensive presentation of your background regarding the English language. You don't need to outline your love for the language and your training in the field. When a "teaching context" is required, what you need to discuss is the current environment that you have to deal with in teaching the English language. In what context or method do you currently teach English? Would you consider it effective or not? If not, then why do you not consider it effective? After you present your teaching context, you can then indicate that these are the problems that you hope to fix upon your successful advanced studies in this course. The action plan will then present itself as the possible resolutions that you hope to enact upon your return to your workplace. Make sure that the problems you present will be related to or solvable by your advanced studies otherwise the teaching context portion will not be effective. You need to represent (for the teaching context):

1. Where you are teaching
2. What your position is and how long you have had the position
3. The problems you encountered that frustrated you when it came to teaching English to your students.

Try to bear in mind that you have to present the learner- generated context in terms that relate to the difficulties that you have in trying to teach English to your students. The relationship between your teaching context and the learner generated context should successfully combine to better support your action plan upon your return.

Undergraduate / Why I Bake - Common App Prompt 1 (background, identity, interest, talent) Essay. [7]

Mari, you need to revise the order of your essay. The quote and its discussion in the middle of the essay is totally misplaced. It cut the concentration of the reader from some personal lessons that you learned from baking to the sudden quote. If you must use this quote, which quite frankly, I find unnecessary, then place it at the start of the essay. Quotes in personal statements are always used as the launching pad of the discussion. Therefore, it cannot suddenly be found in the middle of the essay. The truth of the matter is that your personal discussion is far more interesting that your sudden discussion of this quote. If you can, remove the quote and just focus totally on the personal connection and lessons that you learned from the mistakes and triumphs that you experienced while baking. This personalized approach will be better appreciated rather than you suddenly hitting the reviewer with the quote. It distracts from the interesting personal touch that your essay had at the start. You can say that "life is like baking a cake". You can relate that to your personal experiences in comparison to baking. The quote is totally unnecessary. As for a title, you already have it. You wrote it within the essay when you said "Life is Like Baking a Cake". At least that is what I would use for your title.

Writing Feedback / University English Blog post based on the movie Kill Bill [2]

Rosaleen, opening with the quote by Ferguson is a good approach as it explains the content of your forthcoming paragraphs. However, do not represent it as a part of the essay by presenting it i paragraph form. That should be in block form, at the top of the page in italics. The reason being that this is a quote that you are using as a hook to get the reader interested in your work. It is not part of the discussion.

The first paragraph should open not with an explanation of the quote but rather an introduction to Quentin Tarantino as a film maker who is heavily influenced by the movies that he watched growing up. Do more research about Tarantino as a film maker in order to come up with a better introduction to the "remix" influence before you add on the paragraph explaining the quote from Ferguson. Make sure that connects Tarantino to the "remake" syndrome in Hollywood based upon the quote.

Now, as far as your examples are concerned, you need to delve deeper into the comparisons in such a way that you explain the original context of the scene (from the original movie) and then explain how Tarantino changed the context of the scene but still kept the elements that made it memorable in the first place. The essay you wrote severely lacks the analytical and comparison discussion. All you did were obvious comparisons. You need to look into why these original scenes fit in the storytelling process of Tarantino in order to better explain the differences that made his work original even though it calls to mind the older movie scene.

In the last paragraph, you say that Kill Bill is a big tribute movie. Others will beg to differ and say that Tarantino just did the lazy film making work by ripping off other movies into another story. Something that Bollywood movies were accused of in the past. How would you defend Tarantino in that context? Look at the opposing angles to your reasoning and make sure to defend your stand as best as you can. Instead of calling it a tribute movie, call it a "homage" to the original filmmakers and then point out the influences that these people had on him. You can research that easily from his interviews when he was promoting Kill Bill as he did not make it a secret that he was ripping off other films in his own.

With only 500 words to work with, I strongly urge you to use only one scene from the film in order to satisfy the evidence portion. Try to pay equal attention to the other parts of the essay instructions that you were provided with. I already gave you instructions regarding how to do that. Just do a good job in researching, stick to one memorable example, and your essay should be fine.

As for the title for your post. Don't worry about it for now. Just call it "Movies That Influenced Kill Bill" for now. Decide on the final title after you have completed your research and the final version of the paper. After you have done that, you will have enough information on hand to consider what a more effective title for your blog post should be. That will be your final title.

Writing Feedback / There are many governments that ban smoking in public places, and a great number of business also s [2]

Pham, this is a well discussed essay that needs only a few minor points for correction. For starters, I would like you to consider discussing only one reason per paragraph. Always opt to discuss only the strongest reason that you feel you can best reflect in the paragraph in order to create a better chance of lexical and coherence consideration. Additionally, your grammar accuracy will be better scored if you concentrate on representing only one line of thought in the paragraph. Note that in paragraph 2, you presented 2 reasons with the last reason not really being properly developed for discussion when compared to the first reason. The second reason was rushed and under developed in terms of reason strengths. It was weak and should not have been presented at all because it affected your grammar range score. The other problem with your essay that I want to call your attention to is the fact that you did not represent your opinion as a stand alone paragraph. The instructions were clear about that. You had to discuss both public opinions (first) and then your personal opinion (second). You indicated that you would be discussing your personal opinion in the opening statement, that was the right approach to the paraphrased statement. However, you failed to discuss your personal opinion in an obvious manner by stating "My opinion of the discussion is that..." in a separate paragraph. Do not tell me that you discussed it in the preceding paragraphs because these were your personal opinions. You won't have the liberty to defend your writing in an actual test. Follow the correct format. Indicate your personal opinion using the correct opening line in the paragraph like I previously indicated. Your personal opinion should not be in the concluding statement either as that is an academic violation. The conclusion cannot present information, it can only summarize the discussion. I hope that you will not commit the same mistakes in your upcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / Underappreciated home nurses in California [2]

Juliette, if your paper is all about cultural worth, you might want to rethink your current opening statement. There is more of a social slant to what you are writing rather than cultural reference. The introduction is supposed to tie in with the cultural requirement of the essay discussion but I do not read any reference to such in this statement. As a thesis statement, you have to add more information that would tie in with a cultural reference instead of a social reference. Since nurses and caregivers work more on the social aspect of things, you may want to rethink the focal point of your discussion. Try to pick a topic that would be easier to tie in with a cultural discussion rather than the one you have now. This topic is good but you may have a bit of a hard time representing a cultural relevance for the job of the nurses. By the way, the thesis statement is incomplete. The thesis statement is another name for the introduction. Your topic for discussion is not clearly presented in the paragraph. The revision you have to do will allow you to rethink your discussion topic and whether you can accurately represent the discussion required using this subject or if you want to change it to a more connectable topic.

Writing Feedback / Organizations should provide support to society as its benefits far outweigh costs. [2]

Sodiq, how can I put this nicely? The essay that you wrote has some good and bad points. I can see that you did your best to represent the discussion to the best of your understanding. However, you have a tendency to misunderstand the prompt instructions, which resulted in a mistaken discussion of the overall topic. This led to a final score of 3. An overall score that I would give your essay if I were the examiner being made to score you.

The reason that I scored you so low is because you did not properly paraphrase the topic for discussion in the first paragraph. There was no mention of taxes in the original prompt and yet you decided to focus on the tax thing as the point of discussion for this essay. Since you misunderstood the topic for discussion, I could not rate you higher than a 3 in that aspect, and it followed that because you made that serious error, I could not give you a higher score in the rest of the score considerations.

There is also a lack of balance in your discussion. If you review the requirements, you are being asked to discuss both points of view in your essay, with you developing a formidable defense for the opinion that you support. However, there is no opposing discussion being presented in your essay. Therefore, you did not seriously consider all of the possible debatable points for the discussion in order to represent a proper flow of logic and discussion in your essay. The essay that you provided is one sided and does not properly represent the instructions you were provided.

Graduate / Professionalism as a DPT student. Physical Therapy Application Essay [3]

Alexandra, reader fatigue has a tendency to set in while reading your essay due to the redundant use of the term "I believe". The reader already knows that this paper is all about your belief in the requirements of professionalism as a student in this field. There is no need for the constant reminder. Just create a free flowing discussion, the reader already knows whose opinion is being represented here. As for the names that you mention in your essay, please make sure that you have the permission of these doctors to mention their names as there is a high tendency for the university to confirm your work with them through a phone interview. If you do not have their permission to use their names, then revise the essay to focus on the activity and your observations, sans any names being mentioned. That is because the authenticity of your claims will need to be verified by the university once you mention specific professional names. The essay that you developed shows off your personal. professional skills that you have managed to develop and improve over time. Since this preliminary interview is looking for your personal "professional code of ethics and professionalism", then your discussion is exactly what the reviewer needs in order to consider your application. Good job on that part. Just pay attention to the slight editing issues and your essay should be good to go by the end of it.

Writing Feedback / Should grade 12 University level English be a requirement for entry into all university programs? [3]

Yoojin, first up, your title is isn't engaging or intriguing enough to catch the reader's attention. You are stating a fact instead of involving the imagination of the reader. A title such as "Language and the Limits of My Mind" would have a better recall and interest effect that your simple statement of the prompt for a title. When you mention Orwell, you need to include the title of the book and a direct quote that can relate to your discussion topic. You cannot use the whole book in general because your current description of language could apply to any language, not necessarily English. After all, your mother tongue has a way of describing the sun, moon, and sky in an equally poetic way. So when you think of English and your defense of the learning through grade 12, think mostly in terms of practical applications such as business opportunities overseas (English being an international language), or overseas educational opportunities (such as studying in the US, Australia, and the UK). Don't limit yourself to just literature and what you can learn from it. By the way, you need to proof read your work. You are missing proper punctuation marks such as "don't" and periods at the end of your sentences, which are marked by capitalized words. Overall, not a bad attempt at writing in English but it is not really applicable to the type of discussion that would justify the need for English learning at a higher level.

Scholarship / Korea - this is my only chance. Undergraduate - Letter of Self Introduction KGSP [2]

Piero, as an undergraduate applying for the KGSP program, you are not required to present a letter of self introduction. You are however, required to present a personal statement. The Letter of Self-Introduction is a requirement only for graduate students. So write a personal statement instead that more accurately represents the requirement of an undergraduate KGSP scholarship application. You are required to present the following information in your personal statement ( as an applicant via embassy track) :

- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken and achievements you have made, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you

- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.

As you can see, the essay that you wrote falls short of providing the proper information required for undergraduate scholars. Write a new essay, this time, make it a personal statement, that includes the above information. Remember, a letter of self introduction is only for masters and PhD level applicants. Undergraduates present a personal statement instead.

Writing Feedback / Cars will be driven by computers not people in the near future. Positive or negative - ielts [5]

Dinh, your discussion of this essay is all wrong. You were supposed to pick only one side of the discussion and then presented it with supporting evidence throughout your essay. You are not being asked whether there are incentives and disincentives to computer driven cars. It is either you believe that having computer driven cars will be a positive or negative development. Pick only one side to discuss in the essay. You are not being asked to discuss a compare and contrast essay. You are being asked to discuss a personal opinion essay based on one of two choices. You cannot discuss both sides. That is not the requirement. By discussing both sides as you did on this essay, you were not able to provide a proper and defensible opinion regarding the given discussion. Since you did not properly paraphrase the essay nor did you discuss the essay in the expected manner, you can bet that this essay will receive a failing mark in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / People are leaveing their home countries to seek a better life [3]

Afifah, your paraphrasing of the opening statement is not correct. You began immediately discussing the details of the essay rather than first presenting the paraphrased statement. Remember, the first paragraph is solely used to represent your understanding of the prompt requirements. Therefore, the only information that should be contained there are the following:

1. Subject of the essay
2. Opinions stated in the original prompt
3. Discussion type
4. Personal opinion

Of the 3 expected sentences, you only got the last sentence correct. Therefore, your task accuracy will be marked down. You should have found a way to present the questions related to to the topic discussion in a manner that shows your understanding of the prompt topic and discussion requirements.

Your second and third paragraphs are not coherent enough to be understood by the reader. I believe that you are trying to translate your native tongue to English which does not really work. You have to learn to think and write in English. You cannot think in your original language and then hope to translate it properly. When you do that, the result is this confusing jumble of paragraphs trying to pass itself off as an essay. Your fourth paragraph did not help because it continued to introduce new information rather than simply finalizing the discussion via summary form in order to close the essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of civilians holding various federal government jobs. IELTS Writing Task 1 [3]

Kathrina, unfortunately, I can only review one of your essays as we are limited to one essay per thread and one advice per thread. It would be best if you post your essays in separate threads in order to get the best reviews possible for your practice tests. In this instance, I will only review the Task 1 essay that you wrote. In this instance, all of your sentences fall short of the required number of sentences per paragraph. In order to present at least 3 sentences that comprise a fully developed paragraph, you need to start using full stops (period) at the end of your statements instead of commas. Commas indicate a continuing thought process while what you have to do is separate your thoughts in order to allow for a better analysis of the facts you are giving in comparison to the illustration. Your summary outline is lacking because you did not indicate the 6 federal government jobs that you would be discussing in the essay. If you had indicated the jobs as part of the summary, you would have been more task compliant. The image shows that there is still data provided regarding the number of department of army and congress workers. You should have included the actual figures in your sentence. An estimation to the nearest figure would have sufficed. For example, you could have said "Congress has an estimated 25 thousand employees when compared to the more than 300 thousand Department of Navy Employees."