Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Secure job or satisfying job ? Which option would you take? [3]


.... the right word is affecting , not effecting;
Affect means have an effect on; make a difference to: e.g. "the dampness began to affect my health".
"The effects of dampness on my health is very damaging"


you lay off employees and close down business. So this sentence needs a small rectification;
In my country, Iran, the poor economic situation forces many industries to opt for laying off employees and even considering the closure of business.

Writing Feedback / For & Against Topic (TOEFL) . Students should attend to classes or it should be optional? [3]


.... here you need to tackle why these teachers can explain those lessons thoroughly -
It is because they are more learned and experienced than students. In addition they are given sufficient training on teaching methodologies. All these things together help them make their students absorb what they teach. I feel you it is the most important point here and you have missed that point.

Writing Feedback / Involvement of children in different paid work, is it good or bad? [3]


I like this introduction. It is simple, yet interesting and contain all necessary features.


.... great idea :)


sense of freedom


... my advice is not to have more than one reason per para. Why don't you stop with your first reason and give a classic example for that?

Overall, you write very well :)

Writing Feedback / We stand together looking at the flag; What does patriotism mean to me? [4]


they fought in the name of patriotism.


.... the second part is not getting connected with the first part.
Also, you spoke about soldiers and their patriotic feelings. So, you could have shown that the same feeling extends to all countrymen in whatever respective field they represent. And then you could have talked about the Olympic gold medalist.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Should we tell the truth always to our friends? [5]


I believe your TOEFL prompt is much more than this. With this it is difficult to understand to which type this essay belongs to. I mean there are different types of essays like agree/disagree, reasons and solutions, discuss both views etc. If you post your full prompt then we can comment as to align your response more with what it really asks.

I wish to have a look at the full prompt before giving my comments. Pls post it here!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 THE GRAPH SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF UK ADOLESCENTS FOLLOWING A VEGETARIAN DIET [5]

Without seeing your graph it is difficult for us to comment on what you've written. Upload the graph every time you make posts on this task. However, I find your response is pretty strong and you follow an appropriate structure too. Had the graph been there I could have provided you with more meaningful feedback than this. :)

Writing Feedback / Having fewer languages is a good thing? [9]


... I guess what you mean by shrinking world is that it becoming a global village. But that phrase is not so clear and at the first glance the reader may not capture what you mean. I suggest you to use a more familiar phrase to talk about that idea.


Now, what's the connection between easier life and language extinction. I don't see them having a direct relationship :(

Writing Feedback / Solving the gap between rich and poor nations requires much effort from governments - IELTS [5]


This is an interesting sentence .... good :)
First of all, nations should end their conflicts quickly so people can put their guns down and focus on productiondevelopment


This sentence disturbs the flow ... The previous sentences are very strong and factual. But this one does not stand up to that. I see it is not really powerful as an idea too.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE --''bookish knowledge without experience is useless'' [4]

Well... I think you need to work a lot on your grammar and sentence structure. There are many mistakes I find in this essay that made me difficult to understand some parts of it. I suggest you to start with simple and short sentences. Limit one idea to one sentence. First re- do the introduction part and re-post it. That way we can help you with part by part and then you'll have an idea as to how you should construct the full essay.

I like to help you improve :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL _ what do you prefer to be? a leader or a member of a group? [3]


...." powerful" is not so appropriate because it deals with power and that can be external sources. (e.g. political background, family background, money etc.) Strong supports to express your capability better.

The way I grew up made me a strong personality that can face difficult situations very effectively even making sacrifices to help others in need.

Writing Feedback / WHAT ARE YOUR OPINIONS ON CITY VERSUS COUNTRY LIVING ARGUMENT ? [3]


... If this is the case, then this argument would not exist. So, you need to balance your statement more;
Many people want to live in big cities in hope of leading a quality life..... when you say many, then you still have room to say "but some people do not like this". So, be mindful about what your prompt suggests and align your writing with that. It's very important!

Writing Feedback / whether job is only for money or there are several other reasons for it.. [4]


they get lots of interaction / they get a lot of interaction


.... ideas and thoughts go very close and hence one word makes the other redundant.
It provides them with a new environment where they get lots of opportunities to interact with people of diverse ideas and backgrounds.


You need to support these reasons with specific examples. Then only the reader will be convinced.

Writing Feedback / Capital punishment has been a major source of concern for the last two decade [3]


... A slight change;
People who are against the capital punishment would argue that individuals deserve a second chance.


However, I see two fundamental issues with such reasoning.

I like if your example has been more specific.
Anyways, good writing :)

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

Ok.... then you've got to write your draft and post it here. Then we can help you with its improvements. You need to have an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion for this essay. In the introduction give a brief account on when, where with whom you spent it. Very briefly. Then go to the first body para to talk about the details of each point you wish to elaborate. Do your draft and post it . I will help you.

Writing Feedback / What is "happiness"? ; It is the inner state of well-being and satisfaction! [7]


Many people say that money does not play any role in making one happy.


.... You should have began your paragraph with this idea and then elaborated on that. This is the key point.



...
In conclusion, happiness is hard to define and highly depends on individual perception which differs from person to person.

Undergraduate / "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest"; SOP for UK universities [2]


.... let's try with direct speech ;)
The environment I grew up didn't take education so seriously.


No one took a keen interest to encourage me to study and do well at the exams.



They took up business early in life and my parents had the same wish for me too.

Undergraduate / TOP in my college list ; Georgia Tech - Attraction and Contribution [2]


Ever since I realized that math and physics are where my passion lays, Georgia Tech had the top position reserved in my college list.


I acquired a good understanding about Georgia Tech through these experiences.


I suggest you to rephrase this sentence to sound it more effective. I feel you can improve its flow and effectiveness.

Graduate / Grandmother went into a Diabetic Coma; activity, interest, experience, or achievement [3]

Overall, I feel this is not a good response for your prompt. May be you are interested in pursuing a Nursing degree. But this question does not require anything to do with your academic aspirations. It simply ask for an event that you find very meaningful for your life. Here, you need to talk about an event, for which your contribution was meaningful. This event is not the right one in my feeling. Wait for others also to comment on this!

Letters / Letter of motivation for a student exchange program [2]


Studying abroad is a dream of mine and I am really looking forward to such rewarding experience.


As a graduate student, very soon I will be confronted with the situation of making the decision of whether I should continue my higher studies or have myself employed once I complete the degree.

Undergraduate / Incident/Time of FAILURE; How did it affect you (COMMON) [2]


.... by and among do not go together. Also, what do you mean by "authority" here? Is it that you were always considered as superior to others by your peers? I don't get it clearly.


Since my childhood, I had the opportunity to travel around the world because both my parents worked for International Business Department in FORTUNE GLOBAL .

Undergraduate / ADOPTION; U Wisconsin Madison - UNNOTICED [3]


.... interesting :) ... I like the way you have presented this idea :)


... I got a bit confused when I read this line for the first time. I think it is the "foreign children" that led to the confusion. You better consider re-phrasing this one to give its full effect to the reader.

Undergraduate / My dream career, FILMMAKING; FSU Essay / Global awarness characteristic [2]


.... I think you better touch more general aspects because you are talking about global situations.
In this current era, we often hear about the world conditions getting worse be it the weather, economies, social issues etc.


....phenomenal characteristics in what respect? Better specify!


... it is the duty of filmmakers to convey the messages, that are important to make our world a better place, to the audience so that the audience would conceive those thoughts and ideas.

Graduate / Childhood Dream - SOP : Petroleum Engineering (Graduate Program) [2]


.... I feel this should come more simply;
I want to live my childhood dream.


I know I can create the life I want by becoming a petroleum engineer. I admire the quality of life of many other engineers from my hometown in Thailand who have flown over to offshore oil processing platforms. ... However, I doubt whether this idea of talking about other guys is good. I feel you need to come up with stronger arguments than comparisons. Think about it!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- increasing professors' salary as an effective factor influencing educational system [5]

Hey... this introduction looks pretty lengthy. My feeling is you shouldn't do more than essential features because you will run into problems with time. Also, you should have stated your opinion at the end of the introduction.


Although it may seem that increasing the salary of professors in view of improving university education system is not a priority because there are other effective solutions in this regard, I believe this is very necessary in today's context.

Undergraduate / UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL; Personal Statement Essay for Exchange Program [3]


... hey ...please don't forget to follow the golden rule of starting the sentences with capital letters even when you are doing essay drafts. It's a must to appeal other's attention. ...LOL


Ok dear.... these would be just mere statements if you do not display these qualities through enough evidence. So, tell these qualities through your experiences, achievements, situations you handled etc. etc. It is them who would judge you and you need to convince them you are so.

Writing Feedback / Technology has become integral part of twenty first century [2]


contribution to what? You need to tell ....
I believe that contribution that technology has made to upgrade the quality of life of modern people needs more appreciation although it has also resulted in several downsides.

Overall, this is a good essay. You write very well. Unfortunately I do not have any idea as to how to grade you as I don't have any CBEST experience. But, I can say you write well :)

Writing Feedback / [toefl] Youth do not give enough time to help their society? [7]


e.g.
I assist him to carry out the work / He need my assistance to carry out the work


.... You need to connect this idea with the previous one. I mean, you need to have a proper link between them. So you've got to have a sentence in between these two sentences to set up that connection;

So cooperation among people became an integral part of our civilization where people began to contribute their share to their communities. However, some people argue that today's youth are not seriously consider this social responsibility. ... You need to start introducing your prompt now :)

Undergraduate / I hope to lead an academically demanding life; WHY GEORGIA TECH ? [7]


.. ... I don't get what you try to mean by highly demanding school. In what respect? I think you need to clarify that a bit more.


Okkkkkk....now I get your point. ... I feel you should have started with this. Think of either removing or rephrasing your first sentence.


Well, your point is not very convincing for me. Why are you interested in Georgia Tech? Is it the ambition that was set within you by your current school?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Increase in crimes among young people - Social & Emotional learning [3]


Every person has his or her own attitude which is a result of many factors that affected and continue to affect that person.


....This sentence is a bit too long. Also your previous idea seems to repeated here. You need to combine the first two sentence to reduce that effect;

This attitude leads people to act differently because they perceive right or wrong and good or bad differently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:There is no doubt that globalization affects the world's economies positively [3]


You have excellent writing skills. This is very impressive. However, it is good if you mentioned the importance of discussing this matter. In other words, you should have introduced the two sides of the issue given by the prompt, and then your opinion.


.... this is in favor of globalization. But your prompt focuses on its negative side. So, if you are in agreement with the statement (that's what it had been indicated in the introduction), then take that line and tell reasons as to why you believe it poses negativity on society.

You write so well and really don't have to worry about your vocab or grammar. Just get hold of the structure for this task and earn a good score.

Undergraduate / "You're lucky that you're a Mexican"; Questbridge Biographical [4]


However, many a them have only very little idea about the hardships I went through to reach where I am today.


If you commit your heart and time to what you really want, amazing things will begin to happen.... I included a few more words there to emphasize your passion and vision in addition to commitment.



... living contentedly with my parents and siblings.


... no need to repeat the idea.
Pretty good writing ... nicely presented :)

Writing Feedback / the best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [3]


It's a golden rule that you start your sentences with capital letters. May be this is just a draft, but the purpose is writing an essay and not sending an sms. It's pretty difficult for us also to read your contents carefully when you do not present it in a tidy manner. Please don't make this mistake in your future postings.

Overall, I feel you need to concentrate on your essay structure as dumi suggested above. Plus, you need to pay lots of attention to the clarity of your sentences. Be more clear with the idea you are going to write about and then write a clear, preferably shorter, sentence.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:What is a important skill to succeed in life. [8]


I feel you need a better link between these two lines ( It seems you try to equal accomplishment and success, which are very very close in their meanings, but slightly different too - accomplishment is the successful achievement of a task, while success is the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. :D) .... Also they need a little refinement in aligning with your prompt too;

Success is the supreme goal of every human being. There are many vital skills that help one to be successful in life in today's world. ... the last two words help you align your writing with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; CITY OR COUNTRY? Which place is more appealing for living? [6]


.... farming includes growing crops and raising livestock (e.g. cattle, chicken etc.)


Actually, the reason here is that villages offer limited job opportunities which are mostly traditional streams like farming, fishing etc. However, the city offers more diverse job opportunities due to various urban requirements. So, try to tell this reason to the reader by giving more prominence to the core of it.

Undergraduate / Health is taken for granted! - UW-Madis; UNNOTICED [2]


.... good point .... This happens with many of us :D


....Another good point.


Moreover, those who find themselves "healthy" usually tend not to schedule doctor appointments for health check-ups and ignore good hygiene habits. As a result, they too contract diseases easily.

Overall, I feel you've done great. Your points are so true and convincing. Your ideas flow logically, good vocab and I like the way you've presented it too. :)

Undergraduate / 'times change, people come and go' UW Madison Application - unnoticed but important to you [2]


Is that it your parents who's gone unnoticed in your life... You really don't touch on that aspect. Instead you talk about their sacrifices and the role they play in one's future. However, you do not link your writing with the prompt. I feel you need to talk about a personal experience that you feel going unnoticed. If it's your parents, tell how it has happened with you and talk about why you think it's important.

Scholarship / "Life must be characterized by a sense of universal responsibility"; Legacy Scholarship? [3]


I like if you started off with the saying as a quote;
" Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized by a sense of universal responsibility, not only nation to nation and human to human, but also human to other forms of life". Yes, I believe in this saying by Tenzin Gyatso


I think this is well written. Good luck with your schol :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; TECHNOLOGY Vs TRADITIONAL SKILLS [4]

First, it is very difficult to understand what you are supposed to write without having a clue about your topic. Have they given a statement for you to agree or disagree?

Whatever it is , I feel you need to improve a lot on your structure, vocabulary and most importantly your ideas too. Post the topic to the forum and I will have a look at it to give my comments. Do it faster as I may not be free after a few days :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Compare and contrast:taking a trip by oneself and taking a group tour with guidance [4]

I'm also with others and feel your essay is pretty bulky. :D ... It's ok if you could handle the time :)


...clever point .... yes, this is biggest issue with traveling :D



.... shared / distributed - better words


.... you are talking about the expenses and suddenly come up with a different reason. Then again give an example to back the cost matter. I feel this reason should go to a new para as it's disturbing your flow of ideas.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL [To be a financially responsible adult, children should manage their own money at] [3]


... you used the same term "money management" in the previous sentence. So avoid repeating it in this one.


By earning and managing money, children would understand the difficulties of that task. This makes them be more responsible and disciplined with spending money.
You write very well. Your body paragraphs are well structured. Just pay some attention to the introduction and of course to what dumi suggested. That structure sounds more logical.