Writing Feedback / IELTS: tourism as source of revenue, disadvantages should not be overlooked. [5]


Okkk.... here's my attempt to do what you are asking :)
Tourism, without any doubt, is an important economic activity that helps nations generate considerable revenues that can be utilized to better the lives of their people. However, tourism can have very negative impacts on society too. Therefore. we need to have a careful consideration on the negative effects of touris.

Writing Feedback / Fast food Vs Home-Cooked Food; 'mode of preparation and natural ways of cooking' [6]


....let's have a look at your prompt;


.... your prompt does not talk about the opposite idea . i.e. some people prefer home cooked food to fast food. So, don't include that in your introduction and stay only with what your prompt talks about. This is my suggestion;

Some people believe that fast foods are a better option compare to home cooked foods. However, I do not agree with this belief and feel that home cooked food are much better in terms of hygienic and health factors.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Parents can help their children's life by asking them to take a job or not [7]


....why it would help dealing with people? That't the point you need to emphasise;
Secondly, no matter the type of part-time job one does, it earns this person a wealth of people skills that would certainly help him or her in their future careers when he/she to deal with people.


... These ideas do not supplement your previous idea. You now need to tell about those people skills in detail;
Such exposure would train a person to behave within a group while developing team spirit in them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to encourage people to use public transport? [3]


... well.... I think this is not a fare statement. In many countries, even developed countries in the West, people use public transportation (e.g. trains, buses etc.) more than their private vehicles. In the case of developing countries, not everyone can afford private vehicles and therefore more people depend on public transport. Be careful when you make general statements because the reader may suspect their validity if you don't word it carefully.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2-The rising levels of congestion and air pollution [5]


... Try to give more emphasis to the core measure;
Furthermore, discouraging people to use their personal vehicles is another way of promoting the use of public transport. This can be done by increasing the cost of vehicles by imposing taxes on vehicle importations and other vehicle related services such as tolls on highways, vehicle registration fares etc.

Both reasons you have given run on the same direction. You could also mention that improving infrastructure for public transportation such as roads, bridges, railway tracks etc. can boost the numbers of people using public transport.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. [3]


....
Hey...what do you mean by saying vicious cycle and inhuman condition? That's not clear and you should have explained it a bit more. Otherwise the reader gets confused.


... Don't have too many unnecessary words that do not contribute to your main idea. Then the reader would be distracted and also may lose interest in reading the essay :(


....no need. You should have stopped with the previous sentence.


To begin with, whether to start family with kids is a very personal decision that should be taken by a couple.

Writing Feedback / The two graphs show the main sources of energy in the USA in the 1980s and the 1990s. [2]


in the United States


.... The two words I have highlighted tend to give a different impression about the charts. For me, I think that each pie chart shows the energy source used by each year. So, together they present a comparison. You better rephrase this sentence to give a clear idea to the reader about what these pie charts present. Also, it is good to mention the type of chart too;

The two pie charts illustrate the percentage usage of energy sources in the United State in 1980 and 1990 respectively.

Letters / City&Guilds: Letter to a friend expressing how you feel about being this age. [4]

In this letter you need to have a greater focus on your age and things that are associated with your age. There's only very little said about that.


.... it seems you don't address this part at all :(


.... okk... then tell why. On what grounds you say your life at this age is very advantageous?
You need to have some thought process before you write an essay. First read the prompt carefully and understand the features it is requiring. Then proceed with writing :)

Writing Feedback / Travel helps to increase understanding between countries [2]

You say you need to prepare for IELTS. If so, you need to pay attention very seriously to your essay structure.


... this is the first sentence of one of your body paragraphs; Am I right?
Generally we do not open a body paragraph with an example. I hope dumi would comment on this essay and give you the essay structure she recommends. I finds it pretty logicl :)


.... what you are trying to say is that travelling is a knowledge sharing process which is a win win situation for both the traveler and the local host.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays many people do longer work hours and have more stress.. [3]


.... The most important thing in writing is clarity. Without clarity of a sentence you cannot impress anybody. So don't lengthen sentences unnecessarily with crowded words.


.... This sentence, in my view, is not really necessary :(

Undergraduate / I felt most at home; UNIQUE QUALITIES U MICHIGAN [6]


... this sentence needs improvement. Cannot get your idea clearly :(


.... these lines are confusing the reader.... I think you need to attend to these few lines....better consider re-phrasing them

Writing Feedback / Which do you prefer ? To study alone or To study with a group of students? [8]

You need to pay serious attention to essays structure. Follow what dumi suggests. A few other mistakes I found;


self studying


... good reason -
yep... seems you have good points, but you need to work on the structure a lot

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is change good for people or not? [4]


... this is not valid for the modern generation only. It has been always the case with previous generations too. Everything is subject to constant change.


.... your are taking the essay in a different direction from what your prompt asks.It talks about the two types of people who love to change and who do not welcome change. So, you need to stick to your topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:apprehensive mind; learning a foreign language at primary/secondary school [6]

Some professionals claim that learning foreign languagesatin early childhood is better than learning it at school in upper.them when they are in the secondary level of school.


.... this sentence sounds very confusing. What do you mean?

Writing Feedback / Visiting museums during travel; to become familiar with other cultures & history [4]

ote=ramshah]They may think that in their limited time of residencestay in a foreign land, visiting museums is better and more useful than spending their time in parks or shopping centers or eating out at restaurants.[/quote]


... a closer idea to this one has already been said before. Avoid repetition.

Writing Feedback / ILETS:Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects [7]


...
less link with further career ? this sounds a bit confusing. I guess your topic is about schools should concentrate only on academics and less priority should be given to extra curricular activities. This does not convey such message to the reader. I feel you better rephrase this sentence as to give a clear idea about what you mean.

Writing Feedback / SPORTING CHAMPIONS ARE MOTIVATED BY DESIRE OR MONEY! [3]


Any champion wants to excel his performance. ... tell it was the love for the sport that motivated them before you go to the next point.


... it's better you split these two ideas into two sentences.


your prompt specifically talks about the message that is trend conveys to the youth. You need to answer that in this para.

Writing Feedback / 'Children are free birds' - Best times in life; IELTS [2]

Your essay seems to be too short. How many words?
As dumi suggests it's always good to state your position firmly in the introduction itself. Then dedicate your body paragraphs for reasoning out why you hold that position. You need to have at least four paragraphs in your essay.

You write well, but improve your structure!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS, How immigration change the life in both industrialised and developed countries [4]

You have good writing capabilities. Of course no doubt about that :)
However, I feel you need to pay a little more attention to the structure because it helps you manage time while ensuring that you display all necessary features in your essay that help you earn marks. My advice is to restrict one reason or argument per paragraph. Then give an example to elaborate your point. For the next reason go to the next para.

Writing Feedback / Cinema is coming to an end or not? [3]

Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Better mention :)


... do you mean that this would happen in future or now? If you want to mean this is happening now, better you use present tence.

Some people believe that cinema is ignored due to the other advanced options available today as a result of vast technological development of multimedia.


... This should have been mentioned in your introduction. The body paragraphs should contain your reasons and examples justifying the reasons.

Scholarship / As I seek to place myself on the cutting-edge of the studies in membrane technology! [4]


I found it is an amazing project that deals with finding practical solutions for various scientific issues involved with chemical industry.


... tell them what role you played and its significance to you and your team.

... this is a good approach. Talk through your experience rather than making statements. This way is more convincing.
Good Luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: It is essential to have the death penalty to reduce violent crime. [4]

Yep.... I too strongly feel that you should follow dumi's suggested structure. Otherwise you would run into problems, especially with managing time.


.... this is very interesting .... It never clicked my mind before :D


....Good
You can write well... Only you've got to pay attention to the structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-task2: The increase in weight but decrease in health [2]


... I feel you need not to say this. It is understood.

You have several reasons highlighted in this paragraph and I think it is not necessary. My suggestion is to stick to one reason and give an example to support it. You may run out of time otherwise. Limit one reason for one para :)

Writing Feedback / Continuous developments of zoo required towards a more comfortable and habitable for animals to live [5]


Your ideas sometimes don't flow well. Avoid writing very lengthy sentences.


.... Well, zoo is not a natural environment, but man made..


.... may be they encourage wild life conservation, but you cannot claim that zoo is a natural environment that animals are not caged and allowed to move around easily.

Writing Feedback / CITY&GUILDS: Human beings do not need to eat meat in order to maintain good health... [5]


... You better have a stronger hook. This is something too obvious and hence not interesting.


... your prompt doesn't suggest you to discuss this fact. Your prompt is about the relationship between vegetarian meals and good health. So what you need to analyse is that whether vegetarian meals help people stay healthy or not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: UK Youth who are vegetarian - Line Graph [2]


In 20 years from 1960, there washad been a gradually upward trend in the percentage of young people going on a vegetariansdiet with the highest rate in 1960, at over 15%.which had been over 15%


Nevertheless, this figure had dropped steadily to 6% during the period of 1991 to 1992.

Writing Feedback / University entrance exam should no longer be mandatory [5]

Hey...What's the type of essay? Agree/ disagree? It's good to know what your prompt asks for and make sure you have it in the essay.



... As I mentioned above, if this essay is agree/ disagree sort of , then you better express your opinion very direct. Tell you agree or disagree for certain reasons.


... good point, I agree :)


.... I guess you should talk about their knowledge level. Studying has no value if they don't acquire knowledge.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The problems created by unlimited use of cars [4]


.... You can use direct speech to tell this idea more interestingly and clearly;
Driving in traffic congestions is an utter waste of our valuable time.


It leads to creating stress and adds on to our fatigue making us less productive in performing our tasks..... Now give a specific example for this reason. It's important you have examples to score good points for this task

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]All schoold teachers should be required to take the courses in every five year [3]

Is this an agree/ disagree sort of essay? You better tell us the prompt for us to understand what it asks for.
I think your introduction lacks a good hook. Tell something interesting to grab the reader's attention;
Teachers play an important role in making their students' future.
Then tell how important them to keep their knowledge updated in this exercise. And then talk about this issue and then express your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Social status of man is influenced by education parenting and environment [7]


In other words


... where are your examples? Support reasons with specific examples.


School is one of such greatest institutions.


... Is this a separate paragraph?
I think you need to pay more attention to your essay structure. It should contain an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. Introduction should introduce the topic and express your opinion. Body para should justify your opinion with evidence from examples.

Writing Feedback / Team Work Vs Working Independently ; Which is better? [4]


It is true that being able to handle things on our own is something very appreciative.


.... I wish you expressed this in a more simpler and conceivable way;
Nonetheless, a group has the ability to exert more power than an individual can through synergy.
It is a fantastic opportunity to recognize your strengths and weaknesses

Writing Feedback / Should new editors decide what to broadcast on TV &what to print in the newspapers? [6]


... that's it :D Without this piece, it was really hard to comment :D
Now I think you write very well and also you have tackled the prompt well.


Well ... for this task, the minimum word count is 250. You can go up to any length if you can manage time. So you really don't have to worry about having a lengthy essay, but need to worry about handling time. Also, examples are very important for your IELTS socre.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : WRITING A RESPONSE LETTER TO A COMPLAIN ABOUT NOISE [3]


... first, thank or appreciate her for letting you know about the difficulty coz you need to calm down her :D
First, I appreciate you for informing me about the noise that occurred from my flat two days ago, which I wouldn't have known unless you wrote to me about it.


... Now apologize;
[i]I am extremely sorry about this incident and I humbly apologize for all the inconvenience it caused to you and the rest of the neighborhood.[/i]

Writing Feedback / Advance in the field of Information technology is altering people's lifestyles [5]


...


.... this sentence is quite confusing :( ... your idea is not clear at all :(
Therefore technology now plays a major role in our personal as well as work life.


This has both negative and positive effects on society. However I personally feel the benefits we enjoy from advance technology does outweigh its drawbacks in a much higher degree.

Writing Feedback / City should preserve its old, historic buildings - it's part of city history [6]


.... This sounds like your opinion on the issue. However, in the conclusion you take the other position. First, introduce the argument to the reader and tell your personal opinion very clearly. That helps you clear out the reader's confusion as to which direction you need to take the argument.

Writing Feedback / Should new editors decide what to broadcast on TV &what to print in the newspapers? [6]

Why didn't you post the prompt? It's difficult to understand what it expects from you unless we read it. Is this one agree/ disagree essay?


.... It is not clear what these bad news are.... Reader wonders whether you mean to say that they don't reveal the truth or they are unethical etc. Be more specific!

Also, I feel your examples should be more specific to support your reasoning if this essay is intended for IELTS or TOEFL.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Popularity of mobile phones to young people [7]


you have strong sentences :) very good:)


Similarly, the phones with internet capability influence young children to engage in chatting with friends via social forums. This causes them to give less priority to their classroom work.

You write very well. These are just my suggestions :)

Undergraduate / I am scared; There is a tornado outside Toronto airport! [3]


I am scared.


.... hey... this is too long and I find it's pretty confusing. Improve the clarity of this sentence. This is an issue that persists throughout your essay. Sometimes your sentences stop abruptly with out giving a proper connection to another. Sometimes they drag too much complicating your idea :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Children should learn to manage their own money; views differ considerably [6]


This is a poor sentence. You need to tell the second reason to justify your position. First tell the reason and then support it with the example.

Secondly, a person should know how to handle money intelligently in order to avoid serious financial constraints.


This is a poor conclusion. Make the final statement about your position more directly and clearly. Avoid unwanted stuff and tell it out firmly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should we not pay tax to the authorities? [10]


This is very confusing. You have two sentences here;
Some people argue that we should not pay taxes to the government. I personally agree with them.


.... ok... now you need to support this reason. Don't talk the other side of it. Keep a proper hook and alignment throughout your essay.