Writing Feedback / 'American dream' Writing a Synthesized Essay, tips, help, guidance or advice? [3]

Hi Danny, first of all, I believe you have understood what is asked of the prompt and the hindrance in you making or creating a good essay is the fact that you are being too cautious in writing or coming up with an essay. You are also using words that are somehow, not so conversational, try to use words that are easy to understand, not only for your readers but more importantly to you as a writer.

For your introduction, say something like what you understand and what you know about the "American Dream", I believe you had done a lot of research and all you have to do is to put them together as you understand it.

Towards the end, when you say "unpack" a quote, what you can do is to analyze and understand your quote, then tell a story about it and what lesson we can draw from it, this should be a lot simpler for you and yo should be able to come up with a well managed and well rounded essay. Remember the simple ones and easily comprehensible essays are the ones that matters most.

I hope to review the full essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Google Introduces the Pixel, Its Own Smartphone [4]

Hi Lincoln, below are my thoughts on your article summary.

- Google'sThis is google's new strategy of
- that this projectedis executed to provide
- computers that can understand
- what people are saying and responds conversationally
- It is named Pixel asand is the
- It would be a prospective competitor for

There you have it Lincoln, so far, this is the most straight forward article summary that I have read from you and I can see that you made a lot of progress and I hope this will keep on increasing and develop your technique in writing, not only that, this means that you definitely understand what you are reading, this will help you gain a better understanding on a more complex prompt and you will also see your progress and thats a very rewarding feeling, well at least that's for me, I hope it's for you too. Keep up the good work.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : Let's Teach for Mastery by Sal Khan [11]

Hi Yonathan, here's another one from my end.

- model when the teacher gives manyloads of homework
- to students and teachers, judge the student
- based on the score they get.
- order to workers forto build a foundation
- "do it as you can" and, now when the workers
- did not givedeliver the best result, the contractor justcangive a bad score torate them badly .

- Salman Khan stated that, traditional academic
- while in athe base of the pyramid
- there are many people forare forced tohumanunnecessary labor purposes.
- In theThe middle of the pyramid
- and the top of the pyramid are
- consist of a capital owner or entrepreneurs.
- In communication - based era, many people
- know how to operate athe technology or do

There you have it Yonathan, I advise that you consider writing drafts and not necessarily a prompt to answer, this way you will be able to practice writing more and as I keep stressing it and I will stress further, that the punctuation marks, however minor, are very important to complete and give a full meaning to your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The things we learn from our friends are more important than what we learn from our family [3]

Hi Lina, I believe this is the first time I'm going to review one of your essays and I hope this is just the start of a good partnership, I can assure you, you can rely on us for help and assistance in your writing projects and should you have anything at all, we will be here for you.

Having said that, I would like to share, in line with this particular prompt, that friends and the people around us are part of who we are and what we will become, we learn lessons from them, from everybody that we talk to, people on the street, on the bus, by the cafeteria and pretty much everywhere, we learn from them, it doesn't matter if it's a big lesson to learn or something that will make us powerful, this are lessons that will help shape us to become a good person.

Now, as I review your essay, I must say, you started out quiet strong and this is supported by the succeeding paragraphs, however, the last paragraph did not really deliver, having said that, please find my suggestions below;

- All inOver all, it is unavoidableproven that our family circle has a mainmajor role to teach us about real life for ...
Thus, I believe that for a typical person like me, further learning can be adapted more from friends.

There you have it Lina, I hope the corrections above are helpful.

Writing Feedback / H.A.I.L. - it's the key which opens listeners ears and consciousness for spoken words [7]

Hi Erwin, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website helpful to your writing projects and we aim to provide you with a comprehensive feedback and constructive criticism in order to enhance your essay and be ready for submission.

Moving forward, please find a few suggestions for your essay below;

- There are four really powerful cornerstones,or foundations,
- that we can standrely on
- if we want our speechvoice to be powerful
- Fortunately, these things spell athe word.

There you have it Erwin, as you can see, the enhancement is very minor, though it will be great if it is perfect, overall, the essay speaks for its purpose and the purpose is, for people, the readers, to understand what we can do to make the world a better place not only for the next generation but more importantly, for todays generation to live a more comfortable and morally able life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Task U.S. Hasn't Gone This Long Without a Big Hurricane in 150 Years [3]

Hi Dioba, here's another one from my end.

- NowadaysToday , Hurricane Matthew slams
- into Haiti and heads towards the United States, - storm may becomeinitiallyis one tostorm to
- It is become thea record all the time .
- Matthew could become destroy the United States
- Wilma that struck a few states such as Key West and, Florida with a speed
- This is also mean that Matthew has become
- the longest period and the most destructive major natural disaster
- since record began in 1851.
- This is sincedue to the fact that there is a steering currents
- remainedthat is friendly and
- Matthew initially asis a tropical
- or windy rainstorm in the Southeastern state .
- Furthermore, the storm has strengtheningstrengthened in October
- and it is strongest briefly reachat 160 mph.
- For anticipatedTo anticipate and be cautioned as well as toand avoid citizen fatalities,
- the government washas declared
- for South Carolina and North Carolina in a state of national calamity .

There you have it Dioba, I hope the above remarks are helpful, as you can see, you still need to focus on the correct form of the words to associate in your essay as well as in completing your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Article Review: Weird Orange Crocodiles found Gorging on Bats in Gabon Caves [3]

Hi Yonathan, below are a few suggestions for your summary essay.

- In part of anthe expedition into Gabon's
- Matthew Shirley realiz ed that crocodiles
- eats many bats that fallingfalls into the water
- the cave walls. With, with at least
- 5 kilometreskilometers of caves to occupy,
- its difficult to precisely know how many crocscrocodiles ( I know this is a summary but you have to refrain from cutting the words ) are in this cave.

- Another discovery, whenis that the
- crocscrocodiles go deeper,
- the older, dark- colou red males had become palergone pale ,
- turning athem into bright orange.
- is essentially an alkaline slurry formed formfrom bat droppings .
- changes its colourcolor. While, while the crocodiles appear to spend the entire dry
- the wet season at least to breed.

There you have it Yonathan, I believe you have a well rounded and comprehensive summary, this only means that you absolutely understood the article and this brings a very effective review.

Writing Feedback / The punishment should be fixed without considering the background of the criminal crime [2]

Hi Bambang, please find additional help below;

- Several humanspeople think of
- that crimes must have punishment
- everytime they are committedcase occuring .
- While others have an opinion that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )the people have
- thea reason for do the crime
- and this reason must havebe considered before the punishment is fixedimposed .
- On the other hand, I am really
-a crime is a negative behavior
- and should be vanished to prevent more criminalabolished in order not to encourage more criminals .

There you have it Bambang, as you can see, there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay, the first paragraph is enhanced as you can see above and I hope you follow through, be mindful with your linking verbs, punctuation marks as well as the form of words as well as how you incorporate them in your sentence. I hope to review the revised one soon.

Scholarship / Leadership is having a clear cut vision and the ability to stir people into achieving the set goals [5]

Hi John, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope this is the start of a partnership that will valuable to your future writing reference, we do aim to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback in order to create a stronger essay.

Well, you know very well that the Chevening Scholarship is one of the most prestigious scholarship there is and I believe you did your research on how to approach this particular task and what information to associate with it. From what I learned in editing and doing a healthy comparison on Chevening Scholarship, is that, the focus of the essay is on your academic journey and your hunger for greater academic pursuit. Having said that, one of the many good points of your essay is the fact that you are methodically correct, there is a definite logic in the sequence of your story and more importantly, you have included your very own take on JFK's words and this only means that you are following the right path to leadership.

Overall, the essay has a clear cut version of your academic life and you have a goal to pursue and hopefully with the help of the EF contributors and the scholarship, your goals will become reality.

Writing Feedback / Earliest grade students are required to learn foreign language [3]

Hi Sman, I would like to share a few insights on your essay.
First of all, I do agree that learning a foreign language at an early age is somehow necessary. This day and age has proven to be very challenging, competitive to everyone, regardless of the field a child wants to pursue in the future, knowledge of a second language, say for instance English, is of great advantage and will definitely bring a huge relief to parents, knowing that their kids are capable and able to carry themselves in the outside word.

Now, I must say that you have a well comprehensive essay, you managed to raise your points, views and understanding of the task at hand, however, I have a few suggestions on your first paragraph.

- Earliest grade students are required toThe earlier the student learn a foreign language the better they will have understanding and grasp of the language .
- I personally agree with this idea, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) that it is important for (...) to gain impressive competence on its language .

There you have it Sman, I believe you can see that there is a difference in the original paragraph and I hope you find this helpful in your revision and for future writing reference,mind the minor details of your sentences and make sure that they are not left out as they complete the sentence.

Writing Feedback / TED Review:Why some people are more altruistic than others by Abigail Marsh [4]

Hi Yonathan, here's another one fro my end.

- ... an experience when someone saves saved her life,
- and she got curious why someone
- can be more altruist than other people.
- Abigail found something about the brains
- performance which affects people to be more altruist rather than others.

- Abigail started explaining
- about a psychopath's brain,
- the research showed that a psychopath
- IsAre altruist people arethe opposite of psychopath which havewith big amygdala?
- The altruist brain is better at recogniz ing other
- same portion of priority in an altruist mind.

There you have it Yonathan, I hope this helps in your revision and as always, should you need further assistance, we are here for you. For future writing reference,mind the association of ideas that you have in your sentences as this will affect the overall impact of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Recently, many politicians and academician discuss about renewable energy and its benefits [5]

Hi Yonathan, I believe you must've read a few writing projects that answered the prompt and I believe that a healthy comparison will not hurt and this will provide you with the most hands on idea on how to approach your essay and this will definitely help you in creating a good and rather a well rounded essay.

- not be in the government
- of energy instead ofit produced fossil energy.
- of electricity rather than power station ...
- a little percentage of the total energy necessary.

- In conclusions, I agree if the government
- For a recommendation, I would suggest that the government

There you have it Yonathan, I hope the above remarks helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, very minor details should not be neglected in writing sentences and for this particular essay, it's the linking verbs and a few words that may not be the right format, however, they are the right words to complete the sentence and convey your message.

Writing Feedback / Young age around student in primary school is the best time to learn new knowledge [4]

Hi Sari, below is my take on the last two paragraphs of the essay.

- On the other hand, learning a foreign language
- at an early age also has several drawbacks.
- The main drawback is that, children can
- children should focus in building a character
- at this age, it is crucial time to build their character. - Another issue is that children may get confused
- to usewith their mother tongue language - because at the same time they learn
- othera second language so
- Other drawbacks areis that children do
- than their own mother tongue language.

- In conclusion, learning a foreign language
- at an early age can
- giveprovide benefits and drawbacks to children.
- I believe that the benefits in teaching foreign

There you have it Sari, overall, the essay is pointing in all the right directions, it answers the prompt and you have the points to be considered in manifesting those ideas into a readable and easily comprehensible essay.

Writing Feedback / Government should pay more attention to the encouragement in altering the energy resources [3]

Hi Rizaldo, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that you find this website to be helpful and even more so, valuable to your writing projects, we aim to provide you with the mot accurate and constructive feedback that will help strengthen you essay, in time for submission.

Having said that, I would like to share a few inputs on the last part of your essay.

- By the ruler promotions, - did you mean "the government", when you say "ruler"?

- the tendency of the energy consumption will move to the
- other sectors that generally decrease a myriad
- energy having deteriorated with the natures condition.
- That the government, for example,The government
- energy that triggers a new trend

There you have it Rizaldo, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and overall, you have made your point on this essay, you made sure that your essay has answered the prompt and you have exhausted clarity in conveying your ideas.

Writing Feedback / The authority is required to create publicity for familiarizing renewable sources of energy [3]

Hi Lincoln, below is my take on your essay.

- The majority of people state that the authority - when you say "authority" who are they?

- is required to create publicity for familiarizingto learn about renewable sources of energy.
- I, therefore, agree with the statement
- that, to foster another resources will
- carry a large number of upsideshuge advantage .

- On the one hand. Firstly , the non-renewable
- gas will disappear somedayrun out one day .
- It needs thousands of years to be reproduced.
- In order to meet human'speoples needs,
- people areit is compulsory to move to
- because those could be generated themselvesit is self generating .
- Afterward, theseThese would be more
- accessible also for those who did not have the chance early .
- In addition, the renewable energy is more friendly environmentally friendly which helps to diminish

There you have it Lincoln, I hope the above remarks make it to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, we live in a highly competitive world, crammed with many challenges and obstacles. [2]

Hi Ivan, I believe this is the first time I'm going to review your essay and for starters, we may not be able to provide you with the IELTS band that you hoped for, however, here's what I can say, I believe you made and created a well managed essay, you used words that are very easy to comprehend and this is very good specially when it comes to understanding the essay.

Having said that, what is noticeable in the essay is also the fact that you made sure that the essay is very relevant to todays world and of significant importance too. Moreover, the logical sequence of the ideas are well incorporated to the essay.

Now, I have a few suggestions on your concluding part.

... to live in - we will see how they will experience lower stress rates and will have more free timebe able to determine how they can be relieved from stress and enjoy life.

There you have it Ivan, I hope the above remarks helped and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be able to help.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task II The internet has transformed the way information [5]

Hi Mathew, as I go through the essay, I must say you have a well managed essay and it is quiet long for the task at hand, however, what I need you to focus on in creating or writing is the words that you associate in your sentences. Makes sure that you ,incorporate words that are easy to comprehend, believe me, reading an essay and understanding it is already a task to overcome and if you couple this with words that are completely out of the ordinary or something that the readers has to look up to get the meaning and understand it.

What I'm trying to say is, you don't necessarily have to put or include words that are not the usual, though, it's not bad to experiment but it will still be great and advisable to stick to the usual words in order to convey the message you are trying to get to your readers.

I hope the insights help and should you need further information, do let us know so we can assist you further, I believe you are able to address the prompt and managed to have a well rounded essay and with the remarks and suggestions above, I hope your revision is a lot stronger than the original one.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - How to Use Google to Plan Your Trip [3]

Hi Lincoln, I would like to share a few insights for your essay.

- travelers planning their trips.
- After setting it up,
- predominant characteristicsfeatures such

- Firstly , reservation shows you the flight,
- and then collectedit into your account.
- SecondlyNext , " things to do" is recommendedto travelers
- toand attractive destination
- ThirdlyLast but not the least , day plans help
- arrangingarrange itineraries. Fourthly,with food & drink it gives you basic
- Finally, gettingGetting around are categorized to
- information includedincluding the costs.

There you have it Lincoln, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the usage as well as the placement of your words as they make up the sentences.

Writing Feedback / Wiriting Task 2: Problems associated with the internet and what solutions ? [3]

Hi Pandai, running through your essay, I must say that you have made a very clear view of your points, points that are worth considering in todays situation when it comes to the usage of the internet, I for one believe that, one must think before they click, once you've done it, you can only delete it, but it will be forever in the world wide web. Pretty much, what I'm saying is, having the power to get connected to almost everyone in the world is a huge responsibility, a responsibility where everybody needs to take caution and respect for ones privacy and right of space.

Now, I do have a few notes you might want to consider in your revision.

- buthowever, it also can cause problems.
- Firstly , the internet, as a way of
- gathering information can be used
- that can harm the user internet .
- For instance, sales mode online that sells
- not accordance withfaulty goods and advertising .

- Secondly , the Internet can cause dependence
- toand one can lose track of time in his life( this phrase is not necessary for this particular sentence .
- if the day just does not usewill come that they loosethe internet connection and for sure

There you have it Pandai, I hope the above remarks help and I left the rest of the essay so you will be able to practice editing yourself by following through the one above.

Letters / Letters of Recommendation from Professors for Obataining LoA [3]

Hi Alfa, I would like to help you out and we're going to do it, one letter at a time.

- X had completed his study at Undergraduate Degree
- at X University with honors .
- He had been active and showing his seriousnessshowed determination and commitment
- during his studiestime with the institution .

- is proven bywith his GPA X of 4.00.
- I believe Mr.X is a great student with greater dreams of higher academic excellence .
- His willingness to strengthen his study is highly
- struggling and I believe he has aspeaks of his capability
- If you areShould you be considering
- him for masters program,
- I would highly recommend him for obtaining the Letter of Acceptance.
- I firmlyhighly recommended
- hope that he will be given youwith favorable consideration.

There you have it Alfa, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and I will get back to you fro the rest of the essay.

Essays / An essay about a couple attending their daughter wedding; thesis statement - guy marriage [3]

Hi there Guest, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope that this is not just a chance encounter and will turn into a more reliable partnership, I can assure you, we can help you with your writing projects as we aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback to come up with a more confident essay.

Having said that, I believe that this is a more complicated essay that you thought, nowm the best thing is that, you understand what is asked of you and this is a good start, not only that, you made sure that you seek help when things are not really that clear, some people find this quiet impossible or hard to do.

Going back to your sentence, here's what I suggest;

- A majority of parents having mixed feelings at their daughter guy's wedding.
- Majority of parents experience mix emotions in attending a same sex wedding ceremony and it takes a while to get them accustomed to it.

There you have it Guest, I hope the suggestion and insights help in your revision and completion of this essay.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain by Anita Collins [5]

Hi Ali, here's another one from my end and I will focus on the last paragraph of the essay.

- instruments is able towill increase the
- more ( I believe, "effectively", is sufficient enough to relay your message ) effectively and
- creatively in both academic and social studyingstudies .
- Thus, musicians often have a higher level of
- interlinkinterconnected tasks

There you have it Ali, I hope the above insights are helpful to your revision. Overall, you have a logical and well versed essay. For your future writing projects, make sure that you have all the points covered and this includes the minor details such as linking verbs and the forms of the verbs itself as this will have an overall impact in the outcome of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The future of early cancer detections - Jorge Soto (Summary of TED) [3]

Hi Ifan, as I go through the summary essay, I must say that one thing that you have to work on is the form of the words you choose in your sentences, sometimes, we are so engrossed in writing about the project, however, you cannot let anything to get away in coming up with a better sentence that will serve it's purpose.

Now, other than this, you know that some of the essays may be a regular writing project and some are one shot essay, so you really have to take caution in your essays.

Having said that, I have a few suggestions for the conclusion of the essay.

- To sum up, thea manufactured technology (...) in terms of avoiding inappropriate analysis. In hope, it willWe hope that it will be very useful tofor the initial diagnosis offor molecular-relatingrelated disease.

There you have it Ifan, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Undergraduate / Transfer common app essay. I'm a freshman in community college and looking for transfer to UMass [7]

Hi Nha, first of all, in showing your gratitude, to the contributors is a very humble gesture, however, you say, "Thank you for everyones response", and not "respond", you see, as simple as a single word, can actually change the sentence and it has a huge impact to your writing.

Now, as I understand, English is your second language and it's fine, the best thing is, we try harder everyday to get better at practicing the language and as far as I can see, you are doing good in using the language as you have been in an English based and English language focused institution and believe it or not, your essay is also looking great.

Overall, you have a well managed essay, you made mentioned of the points that are necessary to get you the transfer, I mean, I know that I'm not in the position to assess the essay, however, I know that you made sure that the reviewer knows the purpose of your letter. For further revision, though, make sure that you strengthen and lean towards the strength of the new institution you are transferring to and if possible, do not compare but praise instead, let the reviewer know that whatever it is that the previous institution left you, you are grateful.

Writing Feedback / Differences in rates of various evening courses at an adult education center [3]

Hi Fauziyah, below are my thoughts on your analysis and I hope it helps with your revision.

- in rates of various evening courses at an
- adult education center arethat were
- percentage of the age group.
- Overall, Women tendedwomen tend to enroll
- in language courses while men
- tended to choose painting classes .
- At firsta glance,
- it can be seen that most of coursenumber of participants are in the 50+ age group.

- In this case, woman who attended language class
- In the oppositeOn the other hand ,

- Turning to the pie chart,
- most of the participants of the evening courses was filled

- Participantsin the under the 20 age group washas doubled narrow compared byto 20-29 age group at 5 percent.

There you have it Fauziyah, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the accuracy of your information, make sure that you observe this through and through.

Writing Feedback / Electronic media has changed the way people relate one another [2]

Hi Russell, first of all, I would like to share that, topics like this are definitely the topics that are worth writing about. Indeed, electronic media and technology as a whole really turned our lives to 360 degrees, one thing that none of us, humans, has thought would happen in a million years.

For this particular agreement however, I believe you have written quiet an intensive one, you made sure that your points are covered and you have elaborately wrote this in fine detail. Now, as much as I love the fact that you have written an essay this informative, I would like to suggest a few notes for your conclusion.

Conclusion

- To sum upOverall , social media
- is a medium that helps us to connect with other people. By becoming a wise userbeing cautious in using technology , we can prevent and decrease the negative effects made by misleading of the using offrom using electronic media.

There you have it Rusell, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we will be here to assist you.

Writing Feedback / Every conversation have a potential to start a conflict; how to improve face-to-face communication? [3]

Hi Sari, please find below suggestions for your essay.

- Starting her speech, Celeste Headlee started her speech by asking theasked to audience
- they talks about something offensive.
- Actually, every conversations have a
- not listen to each other.
- According to few research
- shows that a third of the students send
- more than a thousand message t
- struckstrike up a face-to-face chit-chat everyday.
- Sometimes, Students haveshow huge amount of admirable ideasadmiration to
- through a screen
- whereaswhile a conversation is
- the one of considerable ability In the 21st century.

- Both of listeningListening and talking
- are the vital part from anof a conversations .
- we have to keep thema balance.

There yo have it Sari, I hope the above modifications are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, it will help a lot if you practice more often, also, you have to know and review the correct form of words to associate to your sentences.

Writing Feedback / M.S.Dhoni: The Untold Stroy ( Film Review) [2]

Hi Aqsa, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is a start of a relationship that will make sure that all of your future writing projects will be coupled by a meticulous and timely review.

We aim at giving it our best for you to be able to send in a competitive essay.

Having said that, I must say that this film summary is done in a well managed way, you made sure that there is a sequence of the events that took place in the movie, not only that, you also made sure that the words you use to incorporate in the essay is very conversational, meaning they are very easy to understand in a normal readers view.

Overall, the summary is well versed, however, I would suggest that you refrain from using the word "but" in beginning or starting a sentence and if you can replace the word "but" with the word "however" or any other linking verb that could denote negative or comparison to the other idea, without using the word "but".

I hope the above insights are useful.

Writing Feedback / Air Leakage, Cooling Problems - wasted energy [2]

Hi Riandi, below are additional enhancements for your essay and I hope you follow through.

- The diagrams presents a process
- about the disappearance of
- hot temperature in the houses.
- This is due to the air getting
- seen that major air sources enter from
- leak of slits which escaped from
- athe house through the ceiling.

- The first process starts when an air leaks
- enter the house, especially it dominate indominating the first floor.
- from ventholea ventilation to the basement.

There you have it Riandi, I suggest you follow though with the corrections and practice writing more often, make sure you mind the minor details of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The air circulation into and out of the house, resulting in a loss of heat from inside the house [2]

Hi Andika, I suppose you can add the diagram the next time you write an analysis, this will help reviewers and readers a like to provide you an even better edge, nonetheless, I can assure you that we will and always provide you with the best and most accurate feedback for your analysis.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

- The diagram illustrates theabout
- house. It is make effectand it's effects of

- The others are is air leaking int o the house
- Turning the location which the heat wheatherwith hot r warm water
- is a result forof using - stove. While, while there are
- In the other part, there
- is light from above the kitchen
- that otheris another factor
- for producethe production of
- heathot weather.

There you have it Andika, as always I left the rest of the analysis for you to be able to practice writing and editing yourself and I do hope you follow through. For future writing reference, mind the forms of the words that you incorporate in your essay and make sure that you practice writing more often.

Writing Feedback / Kashmir attack: India 'launches strikes against militants' (Summary of BBC News) [2]

Hi Nousha, as I go through your essay, I must say, there is really a thin line between summarizing something that one understands and summarizing something that you are interested and if both catches your essay, then you can get assured that it is a good one.

I tell you this because, this is how I see the essay, it is well managed and all the necessary details of the news, specially the critical information are depicted in the essay and this means, understanding the story is a great factor and it will help a lot in writing and re-telling the story so people can understand it the way a regular reader can.

Overall, it is an insightful summary, you captured the right amount of information needed to suffice the reader to comprehend and get the message from a much complicated news. Just to share, indeed, we live in a world where, we don't really know when or where we are safe anymore, however, there is always one thing we can do, to be vigilant and be observant to the people and the environment we belong in order to avoid falling victims of such events.

Writing Feedback / Proposition of Adolescents Attendeing Four Secondary Schools [3]

Hi Alfa, right of the bat mind the words you incorporate in your essay, just like your title, I know it's just a typo error and this is why, proof reading your essay before submission is very helpful.

Having said that, below are my thoughts for the rest of the analysis;

- On this opportunity, theseThe data report - aboutpresents a propositions
- of adolescences whomadolescents who
- In numbers talk weAccording to the data, we can see Community Schools
- InOn other hand, with Community Schools,
- Voluntary-controlled schools has
- had the biggest take,

- In the fact,that Grammar School
- ButHowever, the smallest
- one per cent for almost per five years.

There you have it Alfa, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs, they are crucial in creating a complete sentence.

Writing Feedback / How to start a movement in public area by Derek Sivers. [3]

Hi Riandi, please find additional help from my end;

- This summary essay will discuss
- about how to start a movement
- in a public area
- and it is delivered by D erek S ivers.
- He explained it with a video thatwhich shows
- about one person stoodstanding with annoying gestures.
- After that, slowly one person slowly follow
- In the beginning there is no one follownobody followed his movement until almost
- all of tourist followingfollowed that gestures .
- leadership is not as long asnecessarily needed forto mobilize other people.

There you have it Riandi, as always, I have left the last paragraph for you to be able to practice editing it yourself and following through the above remarks and suggestions. For future writing reference, mind your linking verbs, try to be comfortable writing and including them in your sentences, this verbs help a lot in creating a complete sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 Summary Article: Ancient Bee fosil reveals secrets of human ancestor's habitat [3]

Hi Nura, as I was going through your summary essay, I must say you did a well managed essay that definitely covered all the necessary points to convey the message of the discovery as well as as the vital information are properly placed in a logical order.

Though, there are a few modifications to be done as you can see from the above suggestions, however, minor, this remarks are very important in enhancing the essay and make it stronger.

For the last paragraph, conclution - is spelled conclusion , you see, as minor as spelling mistakes can create a negative note on your essay so be sure to turn on your spell checker at all times and for future writing reference, make sure that you practice writing more and reading will also help in expanding your vocabulary so read on.

Writing Feedback / Electronic devices have some downsides for individuals in their relation with others [3]

Hi Giansy, as I was going through your essay, I believe you made a very strong point in stating your ground on the task at hand. Indeed, advanced technology has made a lot of changes to peoples lives, good ones or bad ones, it matters greatly on our lives today. It is no surprise that some of our decisions are coupled or are made with the influence of todays technology.

Moreover, it also very strategic, you made sure that the ideas are in a sequential pattern and that it matters in every way it should be in the process. Now, as much as the first 3 paragraphs are so precise, the last paragraph did not really live up to it's purpose and I know we can still enhance it. Having said that, please find the suggestions below;

- in conclusion, i am convinced thatI believe electronic media is useful, it has a better positive sideaccording to positive rather than negative effects in personal relationto people and the lives we live today .

There you have it Giansy, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, valuable in your revision.

Writing Feedback / More spendings for Food, Drink & Tobacco rather than Clothing/Footwear in some European countries [2]

Hi Ucha, I believe this is the first time I'm going to review your writing project / analysis and as always, here in EF, we aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback that will help you out in enhancing your article. Having said that, please find additional help below;

- The table describes howthe expenditure of five different countries
- spent the expenditure in 2012.
- At firsta glance it
- and Turkey dominantly expendedspent money for Food,
- rather than Clothing/Footwearspo .
- Therefore, Leisure/Education lied on the
- lowest percentage at all .

- Turning first to the five nations,
- least rate of its use belonged to Sweden at 15.77%.
- In contrast to thisOn the contrary ( contrast - is for colors / contrary - is for ideas ) ,
- the remaining were for Clothing/Footwear

- Interestingly, none of the countries paid
- Turkey which was atwith the highest

There you have it Ucha, I believe the analysis is accurate to the given information in the table and what I observed is that, you are good in keeping a uniform form of measurement and making sure they are all observed throughout the analysis.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Shadow on the South China Sea [4]

Hi Erwin, below are my thoughts for your article summary.

- The first is about the tiny islands themselvesandthat involves China,
- concerns the United States of America
- an expedition to the ParacelParallel Islands,
- During 1920 untilto 1930,
- This was nois not a country
- or administered them .
- In doing so they includedmade some mistakes printed on thosethe maps.

There you have it Erwin, as you can see, it's just a few minor details that needs modification, however, even if this are minor corrections, it will still be best not to have them in the essay or the sentences. One thing that can be done is to practice writing more and keep a complete sentence, with the linking verbs and the correct form of words that will definitely enhance the ideas of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Sending a message via social media is much faster than using a letter. [3]

Hi Riandi, please find a few suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- Connections amongst society will be had a badhas negative
- effects of using cutting-edge technology
- such as a device which is operateand applications of social media.
- because of it makes people's lives
- easier,to give somemore information
- and interact with other personpeople ,
- but should be controlled of usinghowever, internet usage should be controlledinternet .
- HumansPeoples lives will be

- dienate - I'm not pretty sure what you mean by this word, please elaborate.

- themselves as an adverse effect.
- This is because human is addictpeople gets addicted with this device
- and do not care about the circumstances .
- cyberspace makes people to ignore socializing
- Consequently, more and morethis limitslimited
- our association so that it could becameand results to people becoming antisocial figure in the future .

There you have it Riandi, as you can see, there is quiet a lot of enhancement to your essay and I took the liberty to correct the first 2 paragraphs and I hope you follow though and practice editing the last two.

Writing Feedback / Summary_article 'recommended anti-aging' [2]

Hi Rusell, I would like to think that this is my first review of your essay because I think it is and I hope it is as much valuable and helpful to your revision as the other contributors before me. However, before I do so, I would like to agree that, indeed, todays world and generation has greatly introduced a huge selection of anti aging regimen that women can choose from. Now, I'm a firm believer of natural beauty but hey, tying out some beauty regimen will not hurt, so log as they follow strict health standards.

Moving on, below are my thoughts;

- tried by a billion of women in the world.
- They had spent much time and much money
- to be looked younger in their ages .
- many brands just soundedpromised the
- that it's just a kind of impossible
- thing to be truedo .
- furthermore, it gave the amazing

There you have it Rusell, I hope the above insights are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Google's Got a Plan to Unify the World's Wi-Fi Hotspots [3]

Hi Rizaldo, please find additional remarks to enhance your summary.

- According to this basisWith this observation , - Google plansattempts to get rid
- of the problems through establishingan established

- ease the users access to the internet as the system
- is independent on preconfigurationto a pre- configured WiFi routers.
- to the waiter in the restaurant anymore.

- undertaken the project within India
- whose state-owned railway system has
- Therefore, the company will seriously propose the Internet access to public places all over the world.

There you have it Rizaldo, I'm not sure if this is my first review of your essay but I hope the modifications are helpful and even more so, valuable to your revision.