Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] 'Announcement of opening of new restaurant in locality' [3]


I was happy and excited because I have already been to all the existing restaurants in the locality and now it is the time for trying something new.

But then I thought of other issues that might raiserise by this announcement thoseand I feel the need to be prior resolvedfor having them resolved prior to setting it up

Well.... in TOEFL Independent Task, you better choose one side of the argument and keep giving reasons to justify your position. That is the easier approach.

Scholarship / "I am young and I too have dreams" - NTU Scholarship Essay [2]


Children from many parts of India, including me, were preparing for the impossible.


Nonetheless, we accommodated him too.


... well.... you somehow managed with a merit pass, so I don't find this sentence is really fitting with the idea. I wish you present it differently to get a better flow for your response. I mean, you could have said more details about how dreadful that experience was, the difficulty it put you in. Then connect this idea.

Undergraduate / Motivation letter for RSM - correction of my spelling and grammar any opinions 2 ;) [2]


I have traveled in many countries such as Spain, France, Italy, Germany, Algeria, Morocco, and Tunisia that enriched my exposure to varying cultures, people and economies. I can speak five languages that include English, French, Dutch, Arabic (Algerian) and Spanish.


I received my education from the schools that followed British curriculum such as the British School of Amsterdam, The British school of Algiers El kalimat and also The International School of Amsterdam also known as ISM. This experience too provided me with diverse international exposure and shaped my perception about the world.

Undergraduate / Nuclear Physics department; MIT/ which department appeals to you most & why? [4]


The Nuclear Physics department at the MIT is the one that fascinates me the most.


Today there is an increasing anti-nuclear trend in many people. However, my passion for this field kept thriving since the first day I learned E=mc^2 equation at school .


... I wish you break this sentence to two;
With the nuclear research reactor at the MIT, I wish to learn more about harnessing this energy efficiently. By acquiring more knowledge on Nuclear Physics I aim ant decrypting the atom to a greater level.

Writing Feedback / My view on a perfect Society! [6]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL? Also what is the question for which you wrote this essay? If you mention them it is easy for us to provide you with more relevant comments.


There are varying definitions for a perfect society, which reflect different points of views.


... social security and safe life both mean almost the same.
In my opinion, a perfect society can be described as a place where you find a sound social security system that allows everybody to lead their lives safely.

Writing Feedback / Possible ways of encouraging the use of public transport [4]


.... why they started favoring use of personal vehicles? That's the question naturally comes to the reader's mind and you need to answer that. Otherwise this is not a convincing statement.


First, it is the low level of comfort in public modes of transportation that discourages people from using them. Therefore it is a must that such transportation modes be upgraded in terms of comfort.


In Asian countries


... This may not be applicable to all Asian countries. How about Japan or Singapore? You need to be careful when making general statements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Some people argue that smoking should be made illegal. [5]

It's good if you include your prompt with the essay so that others would provide you with comments that are more aligned with your prompt. Also, you should have a meaningful topic in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. This topic is attended by us. All IELTS essays need to be opened in the Writing Feedback forum. These thins would help you earn more comments on your part.

It is difficult to check the alignment of your introduction with the desired structure without seeing your prompt.

Speeches / 'Good morning friends!'; Introducing Myself - college speech [2]


Let me introduce myself to you first!


I come from Vizianagaram where I was born and grew up.


About my family, I have only one older brother and my father is a journalist cum Music Artist.


My mom is a typical housewife who takes a good care about the house hold and all of us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-CAM 9-TASK 1-ISLAND BEFORE AND AFTER THE CONSTRUCTION OF TOURIST FACILITIES [4]

Overall, I think this is a pretty good response.


This is report writing and you need to adopt an appropriate tone accordingly. So say this more officially;
The second diagram illustrates that ....

Writing Feedback / [toefl]was it easier to find jobs that would lead to a secure future In the past? [5]


This is not a clear sentence :(


... I agree... you start with a good hook, but fail to introduce the argument effectively thereafter. Try the structure I already suggested to you in one of your other essays ( for your introduction ). Also you need to align your writing more with your prompt.

Writing Feedback / A Good Friend; trustworthy and loyal person [4]


A good friend needs to possess several characteristics.


He or she should be a trustworthy and loyal person who should be fair, caring and loving too.


Basically you are telling that a good friend should be able to keep your spirits high in both happy and sad situations.
I think you give too many characteristics of a good friend in the introduction. I like if you restricted them to about four and discuss each characteristic in each body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / People benefit more from traveling in their own country or traveling to foreign countries? [4]


... I just fixed your grammar error. However, this is not an interesting hook. Your opening sentence, the hook should be strong enough to catch the reader's attention while it should be relevant to your topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about professional workers ,sports and entertainment personalities [3]


... economic growth
This sentence is very confusing. It has grammar issues too. I cannot grasp the idea you are tying to convey.


.... What are these different areas? Do you mean "different career fields" ? You need to be more specific there.


... again, this sentence does not clearly express your idea.
You need to first pay attention to your grammar and then to clarity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about pay tax to the state or not [3]


....all governments/ every government
Taxation is the main revenue generator for every government in the world.



... this is not a very good sentence. Make a clear statement that expresses your point;
I personally agree that citizens have a duty to pay taxes to the government out of their earnings.
Your introduction follows an appropriate structure. However, you need to pay attention to grammar.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL _ intelligence as the most important characteristic of a student [4]

You should have provide a specific example for your reasoning as you did in the first paragraph. It is an essential feature in TOEFL that would earn you marks. Also, my suggestion for your body paragraphs is that you should limit the number of reasons to one per para and then provide a specific example to support that reason. This is the best way for you to aim at a good score and finish the essay on time. Remember, this task has a major bearing on time management.

Research Papers / My research paper on processed foods and its effects on children. [2]


Food takes care of the ongoing growth, maintenance and repair of the body through its nutrient values.


So why do so many Americans suffer form food related diseases, especially American children?


Processed food companies rely heavily on additives, synthetic nutrients and other unhealthy ingredients to market their products and sustain their sales volumes.
This is a well written research paper.

Undergraduate / Conflicts between my parents; Transition from childhood to adulthood [5]


What is this addiction? You better specify!


I grew up with worries that an average 10-year-old even wouldn't think of. I had to worry about how I would get to school, get my lunch money, and most importantly would my mom be there when I woke up.


I feel the first part really does not add any value to your response. Focus on the situations that helped you mature faster.
Taking care of my three younger siblings became a part of my daily chores.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Does the telephone greater influence on people's lives than television has? [3]


everyone has / everybody has / every person has / all the people have
all have / all of us have / all the people have
Pay more attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / global warming essay: causes and what solutions for people and for governments [3]


... because the average global temperature has been on the increase at a faster pace during the past few decades than what it used to have been before.


You write very well and I see you follow a good structure too.... Is this writing for TOEFL or IELTS? It's always good to mention the purpose (IELTS or TOEFL) in the topic so that others would give you more task related feedbacks. :)

Undergraduate / UPENN Jerome Fisher M&T Program/ Engineering and Business [3]


I did build my business from a scratch using my favorite building blocks.


It was this present from my grandfather on my third birthday that shaped my future.


This thousand piece set of building blocks kindled in me an interest into engineering and design that lived with me in the same level of enthusiasm up to this very day.

Writing Feedback / Five Sentence Chronological Paragraph. "Let me tell you how to make my favorite sandwich." [3]


Not only delicious, but also easy to make, this masterpiece is a perfect fit for lunch.
Add a fresh leaf of green lettuce and top it off with three slices of deli-ham.


You need to tell that how these green lettuce and deli-ham going to be placed because this is not a curry in which you can keep adding ingredients.

Writing Feedback / "Boarding school is beneficial for student". Illustrate your point of view. [8]

Hey.... no thanks for me ? ;)
Let's take your first paragraph;


....Good idea. However, this sentence should be in present tense. Also, the appropriate word is "independence" and not "self dependence"
First, a student would enjoy independence when he or she lives in a boarding school.


You need to combine these two sentences;
When students learn to manage his or her work all by themselves from an early age, then they learn to make important decisions under varying circumstances.

Writing Feedback / why do we need music? Traditional Vs Contemporary Music [9]


You have forgotten the first lesson of English :D .... i.e. you need to start sentences with capital letters. It is important that you present your essay in a more neat and tidy manner because it is pretty difficult for us to follow your essay when it looks messy.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Some people prefer travelling alone; 'meet other traveler' [12]

Ok... let's have a look at your first body paragraph;


What is the reason behind this justification? It is that you do not need to put effort for planing your trip and you can simply hand over that to a third party and enjoy your tour. So, give more emphasis to your reason;

First of all, arranged tours are very convenient and comfortable since the travel agent looks after the part of planning the tour and meeting all travel needs with regard to accommodation and transportation.


This is a very good example, but I feel you should not go into such detail. The reason is that you need to manage time and if you drag on one idea it may not help you with time management. So, skim the essential part that you need to tell.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Unpaid community service and its role in high school programs [5]


I don't think there would be too many words if you follow this structure. Even in case of sentences, there would be maximum four sentences - one for the hook, one- two for the background and one for your opinion :) So, I don't think there would be an issue.

Writing Feedback / Children are easily impressed by colors and sugar and this is dangerous. [4]


.... this sentence is very confusing. Do not write sentences that are too long. What happens is that you get carried away at the end of it and tend to make grammar mistakes.

Write short sentences limiting your ideas one per sentence. Also, this is your hook and it needs to come with a punch.

Writing Feedback / Paying teacher basing on grade that students got is not appropriate and not fair [6]


each student / all students


It cannot be denied that learning abilities of students vary from one student to another.


Some students are fast learners while some are not.


Thus paying teachers based on the students' performance is not appropriate and it is especially unfair by the teachers.

Writing Feedback / Educational systems of the United States and Ukraine [5]

When I was reading an article by Maryna Irkliyenko for the first time I mentionedcame across one important thing.



... here the difference is between the two education systems and not nations.
I think we can find an answer for this question in the words of Maryna.where sheShe says "The mentality of cheating is so deeply ingrained in this nation almost from the start of life."


...and in the period when American people had freedom at studying, Ukrainian people were under the Communist rule with more restrictions and always lived in "fear"experiencing rigid bureaucratic rules .

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Problems with students behaviour [3]


The upbringing of children is very important for preventing children from in-disciplinary actions.


.... the first part flows well with a meaningful idea, but the second part tends to confuse the reader. It is not clearly conveyed.


This causes them to develop selfishness, poor discipline and arrogance.
It is always better to give more specific examples. You could have cited shooting cases that took place in schools recently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular [4]


.... this sentence has grammar issues;
Modern and busy society depends on fast food for efficient and convenient solution for preparing food. Therefore fast foods are becoming increasingly popular.
Your essay introduction follows the appropriate structure. However, you need to improve its presentation.


....no need to mention about restaurant food
although fast food is considered as not nutritious as the home food
Overall, you follow the appropriate structure. Just pay more attention to grammar, vocabulary and presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task-2, talk about private seconary school [2]

Where is your prompt? If you don't include it in your essay, it is pretty hard for us to understand your topic and what it expects from you. Make sure you include it when you open new threads.


your sentences have grammar issues. Let's take the first sentence;


With rapid development of economies, there is an increasing number of private schools in the major cities. .... Well, this is your hook and it should be strong enough to grab the reader's attention as well as it should be relevant to the topic. This sentence is not so relevant and also not so catchy.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Unpaid community service and its role in high school programs [5]

I don't say your introduction does not follow a desired structure. However, I feel it needs improvement.

Graduate / I am fascinated and intrigued by Moore's law; SOP MSc ECE VLSI [4]


I find this sentence is too long and pretty cramped up. Better you rephrase this to enhance its clarity and presentation.
Also, your SOP sounds a bit like a list of your credentials at the beginning. I believe your SOP should portray you as
(1) passionately interested in the field;
(2) intelligent;
(3) well-prepared academically and personally;
(4) able to take on the challenges of grad school;
(5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students - in other words, collegial;
(6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion; and (7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The private motor vehicle and air pollution [3]


I don't understand this sentence :( Why do you have some phrases in brackets?


The vehicles emit gases that can cause air, water and soil pollution
You need to pay more attention to grammar. Try and use direct speech whenever possible.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should good people are rewarded and bad people are punished in movies or dramas? [4]


They will be misled by those movies.


.... If they perform good deeds even in hope of being rewarded, that's actually not a bad thing to happen :)


This body paragraph does not contain any specific example for your reasons. It's important to have examples to support your reasons and you would earn marks on them.

Undergraduate / UIC has unassailably proven that throughout its seven-year history [5]

Make sure you include the prompt in your post so that we know what it expects from you.


Well.... for me, this sentence does not add any value to your response.


Why? You need to justify why you claim so!


Give some examples, otherwise the reader would not be convinced.

Also, you should have a more meaningful topic in the subject filed when you open a new thread. It is the forum rule and please follow that rule in your future threads.

Writing Feedback / Real life vs books - practical and theoretical ways to gain a knowledge. [3]


For many centuries, people had the habit of documenting their knowledge in order to prevent them from being lost.


People gain knowledge from books or through experience.
Knowledge that is learned from books areisinstructiveshort lived and can be lost fast while knowledge learned from experience is demonstrative and can be last for long time.

Undergraduate / I follow the most effective path; Why Chapman University? [2]

Ok.... you dedicate your first paragraph to tell them that you believe in practical exposure more. You first gain that and then learn the theory behind to polish your skills further. So, I feel you should insert a few lines there to show how Chapman works well with this approach of yours. You talk about Chapman's features in the second para, but there is a bit of a detachment from the ideas of the first para to the second.

Writing Feedback / I contend that adolescents should coordinate their time of studying and working. [10]

I really appreciate JethroJosh for such a detailed and thoughtful comment made on behalf of a fellow member. This forum is enriched by such valuable contributions and hope all our members would follow Josh and try to help our community members :)

Josh has explained in detail about the structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about Multitasking, problems and solutions [6]


... you take a grand start. However, it is good to avoid the last sentence as it does not add value much to your flow. As per the prompt, the reader anyway expects you to do that.

You have very good writing skills. If you managed to complete this essay within the time allocated for this task,then you really don't have to worry about this task :)

Good Luck with IELTS!