Graduate / MS In Finance - Goals - the financial policies by various governments [3]


I think it is better not to capitalize quantitative here.

This essay is very impressive. After reading thousands of essays, I have some perspective, and I assure you that yours is more impressive than most they will see in the AO office. Very good stuff, here.

The rigorous and practical curriculum at MKL will help me build a strong foundation in various areas of finance studies. ---Here is one sentence that is boring and not powerful enough to occupy the spot at the beginning of a paragraph. Let each paragraph begin with a sentence that shares a meaningful idea with the reader. All that requires is for you to change or add a few words to this sentence... to add some meaning.

:-)

Writing Feedback / a new holiday on honor of Savitribai Phule [3]

Nowadays the world is becoming a small global village. Each country celebrate a holiday or event associated with their honorable people; for example, on 1 October Indian people celebrate Gandhi Jayanti, USA celebrate King Martin Luther day, and so on. Each country has some ...Before you end this paragraph, you have to mention the global village again. What does that have to do with the holidays?

The main reason of for celebrating a holiday on Savitribai Phule's name is her influence has not only on affected me but all women in India.

She was a first woman who fought against inequality of men and women, to remove the untouchable caste from the structure of society.

She had been born in poor family.

Use past verb tense here: People treated women like animals.

They hit and not chose not to give proper food to women.

People thrown dung and egg on her, but she continued woman's liberation .

Everyone know Mother Teresa and ...

THANK YOU for teaching me about Savitribai Phule! I will celebrate the holiday with you. :-)
She certainly must have been a hero.

Dissertations / PHD THESIS ON OB / Ocuupational Psychology /Learning & Development [2]

Greetings Respected Sanjib!

:-) I think you are "beyond help." Usually when people say that, it means you are hopeless, but that is the opposite of what I mean. I think you are beyond most people's ability to help you, because your ideas are so well developed that you might not be able to expect many people to help you more than you can help yourself.

But I'll try! Are you talking about the 5 "aggregates" studied in Buddhism and the teachings on impermanence and interdependence? If so, I think you can easily make connections with employee development. Interdependence is a key concept within an organization.

So... how will you proceed? I don't want to steal your opportunity for inspiration, but I'll give a few concepts to help you brainstorm: Put the self aside to pursue organizational goals; Put the self aside to experience the perspective of a colleague; enjoy your work by working without thinking about the reward but instead about the process of doing each task while keeping some attention on the breathing and posture.

I think you should google around to read about the research method called "case study" or "multiple case study." Study a case where these teachings have been applied, and interview organizational members to do your case study. :-)

Undergraduate / "I dare to be different" - FAMU Entrance Essay [5]


You REAP what you sow. And also, this advice does not really help with the essay! I saw how well you write, and you can help a little more when you comment on people's essays, ajoye. :-)

I dare to be different. ---This seems like a common cliche... so maybe you can say it in different words.
I am not afraid to follow the crowd. -----I think you mean to say, "I am not afraid to opt out of following the crowd."

:-)

Writing Feedback / "you can see the wonders" - Season of change [3]

Probably the reason no one helped you is that the help you gave others was like this: "Thats nice. I hope your essay is more impressive this time cos it would be a shame to miss out on studying abroad."---But that does not really help with the essay! :-)

I know you already submitted, but I want to at least give you this compliment and criticism:
Compliment: that her grandmother sang to her mother and her mother to her. ---This part is brilliant writing.
Criticism: I think at the end of that first paragraph it MIGHT help to give a thesis sentence that tells the main message of the essay. Not always, but I think in this case it will help.

One more thing... This sentence does not have the part called a "predicate." ----> Birds chattering endlessly as they gathered their nest with twigs and leaves awaiting the new arrival of the season singing the most beautiful song as if they knew that yes, this was a season of hope.---just change chattering to chattered. :-)

Undergraduate / Neuroscience, chemical reactions in the body - my SOP in Biology. [3]

In this kind of sentence, you really need a comma to ensure clarity:
After graduating high school I was one of the few who stayed in my small town, opposed to going off to a university. ----And I took out a comma by changing the wording at the beginning... so that there would not be too many commas.

Strunk and White recommend a comma for any compound sentence:
I knew what I was passionate about, but I wasn't quite sure how to pursue it, so I enrolled at a local community college and started knocking out my basics.

...the one to help somebody face their tribulations. --This is excellent stuff right here. Very good. I wanted to practice (Specify what kind of) medicine.---Specificity is key, here, to show that you have been doing your reading.

Another great sentence:
Once more, I felt my mind being sent into a tailspin.

:-)

I think this is a strong essay... but is the fact that you originally did not want to go to college really important enough to keep? I think it is not part of the message of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Leaders Club" - Community Service (short answer) [4]

I know I'm too late, but... for what it's worth:

I think the first sentence has too many words, so it is like watered-down apple juice.. it's nice, but not as good as if it was pure:

My involvement in Leaders Club has been an extraordinary experience that has provided me with a myriad of opportunities to help others.---Like this... it's better this way, I think. It is more powerful, because the reader gets the same message in fewer words. It is punchy.

You demonstrated great writing ability and also great willingness to give of yourself. Successful essay, I think!

Writing Feedback / Don't Judge---Story from my life that teaches a moral (for english class) [3]

Nice use of the word twisty !! :-)

I'll add some commas:
...and fitted grey shirt, and I judged him. The thing that most bothered me, though, was how he walked. He was constantly leaned back, and his right foot dragged slightly.

I thought it was "swagga," but on a tall, white, guy it looked ridiculous. ----This sentence has potential to alienate the reader if they do not understand swagga. But then again, this is not an admission essay! This is very good for the English class.

Use a comma to separate dialogue:
I was thinking of wise cracks in my head and right before I joked, "What are ...
See what I mean? Always do that with dialogue.

My favorite part: A tiny feeling inside said, Shut up Emily, just shut up.---Notice how I changed it using italics, though. That is a great way to write about talking to yourself.

... he walked with a slight limp.---Oh, I did not see this coming!! This is a really entertaining essay. You did great.

Undergraduate / USC Essay - How my disability has made me stronger [4]

Wow, I usually... almost always tell people they should follow the advice of Strunk and White and use a comma with a compound sentence. So you would do this:

When people first meet me they're not quite sure what to think of me. because I'm in a wheelchair.
BUT this is one of those rare cases when the writer has put together such a great rhythm with the sentence that ... you have to keep it without the comma!

I just wanted to mention that I love the rhthm of that intro.

See I was born with a rare condition called Osteogenesis Imperfecta (OI), or brittle bone disease, meaning...

But I'm not sure that if given the chance, I would redo the last seventeen years of my life as a physically normal person. --Wow, amazing!! That is awesome. I feel the same way about this eye twich (chronic tic syndrome) that I have always had... But when you make a great statement like this, you should END THE PARAGRAPH. That is like a 'dramatic pause.' So... end that first para after you make that powerful statement.

Living with OI has taught me determination, perseverance, the value of hard work, and compassion. These lessons leak into every facet of my life, even ones unaffected by my disability. And, in the end, I think that they make me a better person. This stuff.. you try to express profound ideas in just a few words, and it does not work. Cut this stuff... the whole essay is dedicated to explaining that, so ... yeah.

...but the extent to which we let them define us is our own choice. ---Excellent!

Undergraduate / fascinated by computers, to use my creative and imaginative thinking [7]


Oh! Solid! This is a pretty solid intro. It is simple and powerful.

I enjoy a very good teacher-student relationship with my computer teacher and he was the one who pushed me to pursue in this field. --ask yourself if this sentence really helps to achieve your purpose... to inspire the reader.

Apart from computing I also like math and I have always relished the opportunity to apply it in real life problems.
--This should not be the last sentence of the first paragraph. It should be the first sentence of the second paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph, you should have a THESIS STATEMENT.

:-)

Undergraduate / Impressed by Emory - Perfect Balance of college [6]


Got any evidence for that besides the website videos? Or is that just an empty claim? You should follow this claim immediately with an example.


Maybe you intend this as an example to support that claim, but... I don't think it works. To give a good example of teaching that uses multiple methods, it is a great opportunity to show that you are familiar with the work of one or more of the schools professors.

Good luck!! :-) You are great! I hope in other parts of your application you show that you are focused on achieving specific goals in the next few years... proactive.

Undergraduate / Seeking knowledge and commitment to service - Spelman experience [5]

This is very impressive! Your quote was a good choice.

I remember myself as a child, uninterested in simple things like crayons and dolls. Education is a must in my household, and (I think the intro to this paragraph is ineffective... too vague... "uninterested in simple things..." seems kind of "elitist" or something, ha ha. But you can replace that with a brilliant sentence that gives the reader a powerful experience... and then continue: every night I would read a new encyclopedia of every alphabet ---can you reword this so that it is a little clearer? ...for no apparent reason. I managed to keep up with schoolwork even though my family relocated almost twice a year, and I was always competing with other gifted students in my school and state. ----I like the whole essay, but I guess this paragraph is the one I don't like. It is a lot of "telling" instead of "showing." The paragraph should have some interesting message that is more than just, "I was always scholarly and good at school." Many people are. You have to focus on showing that you are inspired to accomplish some specific, great things in your chosen field. :-)

This is the powerful stuff:
I want to build a hospital in my community to create more jobs and volunteer opportunities.---This is the most important stuff. Make this plan even more detailed, and read some relvant articles about people doing what you describe, and really prove that you have dedicated a lot of time to this... that is the most important thing. :-)

Undergraduate / "People are interested in themselves" - VILLANOVA valuable lesson essay [4]

This led to me end 10th grade on a sour note. Not too many people enjoyed hanging out with me, and I was blind to how my behavior resulted in the way I was being treated.----This is powerful writing. I added a comma. It is powerful, because of this honest self-disclosure. It is kind of therapeutic to the reader, because we readers are also guilty of the same lack of self-awareness sometimes, and especially during certain periods in our lives.

I began to change as I observed the workings of a truly beautiful person, Sydney. Her sincere interest in other people enabled her to develop friendships anywhere with almost anyone. You have to get rid of this part. Keep it in the version you show her if you want, but in the version you send in you should omit anything that makes it seem like the essay is actually insincere, contrived to serve as a message to a girl. Know what I mean? You either mean what you are saying or you used this theme as a way of saying something nice to the girl. There is nothing wrong with that; it's great! But not in the version of the essay that you send in.

I know I am probably too late, though! Sorry! Anyway, you write very well, and I think for sure you will be successful!

Undergraduate / "the sporting world of softball and soccer" - Bucknell--positive risk taking [2]


Heh, heh. It would be funny if you wrote about some ridiculously inappropriate risk... not a good idea, but funny.

It's better, maybe, to start with something that is not so breezy and empty: Throughout my life,
And this "I have always been" intro is overused. I have always been a very sports-oriented person, playing every sport imaginable.
This is an interesting beginning for an essay:
Whether it's soccer, basketball, street hockey, or wiffleball, I play rain or shine almost every day. My childhood

...when you're anxious that you'll screw it up. ----Nice... great job!
My advice is like this: Take out details from the story, details the reader does not need to know, and in doing that you can make room for more self-analysis in the last paragraph. Give more analysis of the meaning behind it and especially that key insight you gave at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / On the recent North Korea crisis - SFS global issue essay [4]

Hey, I just wanted to tell you this is not boring at all, and you should be confident about it. It seems so perfect for the prompt! And you really have the right idea, because you showed that you have a lot of knowledge about this.

The only way I know to make it stronger is to make a connection with your chosen career field.

But... seriously, even if you are correct when you say many other students will choose this issue... I think your essay will stand out among them. Great job!

Essays / Help writing personal bias paper on Juvenile gang [5]

Hey Erica, I'm so sorry you did not get any help! It was a busy month in January...
I hope the paper went well, and I hope you give us another chance to be useful to you as you continue your class.

When you have a project like this, start by reading a relevant article. It will give you ideas and inspiration, and then you can type up a little paragraph about it and quote it. Doing that, you will get maybe a few paragraphs.

But after you have read something... for this project... you need to come up with some MAIN IDEA to share with the reader. How can you answer in a single sentence? What bias have you had about young gang members?

So... step one... read something.
Step two... succinctly write a basic idea that is the purpose of the whole paper.. an idea to share with the reader.

Maybe that seems too simple, but if you have not been in school for a long time the hardest part sometimes is "beginning to do the work." Begin by reading an article you enjoy.

Try to enjoy the writing, too!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Center Stage; The music has begun [6]


That's pretty cool, Rajiv. I guess that is how most great art gets created.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M university in Qatar: patience and hard work, - personal statement [2]

I'm sorry it took so long for you to get any help! :-)


Ha ha, excellent.

Okay, at the end of that first paragraph, I am still wondering what the theme, the message of the essay will be. I feel like a sentence is missing from the end of that first paragraph. I always try to give a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that will capture the "message of the essay" in a single sentence.

Okay, and I have another idea for you. Just as the last sentence of the intro paragraph is an important one, the FIRST sentence of a body paragraph also plays an important role. Try to capture the main idea of the paragraph in your topic sentence. That is not ALWAYS what writers need to do (no real rules in writing or any art), but it will help here:

I still remember the kid who I met in Thailand . This is not a great topic sentence. Look at each paragraph is a cool idea that "supports" the main idea of the essay... and express each paragraph's main idea in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

:-)

Undergraduate / "implementing statistics" - Mac Hs - Research area that should be funded [4]

Yep, that is for sure. I don't mean to suggest that you should choose an overused topic. I just want to make sure you know it is important to choose a specific area of research. Any area of research can have bad statistics.

You might be interested in this book I saw recently: How to Lie with Statistics by Huff (1954).

:-)

Undergraduate / Monologue starting tips on the book "The giver" [3]

Hey, this is an interesting question. It inspired me to google this: difference between monologue and soliloquy

I learned that the difference is this: A monologue is a speech given when others are present, and a soliloquy is a speech given alone... like, talking to oneself.

So... go to a scene from the book where the character speaks to others and keeps speaking for a long time. Take inspiration from it, and write a new version of it. Try to give the speech an interesting theme that shows that you have been thoughtful enough to gain a new idea while reading.

For ideas about your theme, google this: analysis "the giver"

:-)

Undergraduate / "Growing up in a Hispanic household" - career path [3]

Yes, that is true about the run on sentence... and the correction is a good idea. I also suggest changing the first word "that" to the word "when."

Also...
like me it became becomes a challenge. However, there have been events throughout my life that

He is only a year younger than me, making him 17 in March, (unnecessary detail) and unfortunately was born with a growth deficiency.

Here is another run on sentence:
I started to become very close with Kim; once I started to babysit her children. ---I fixed it with a semi-colon.

It will help if you show that you now are reading books and articles about SLP, and that will impress them even more. The students with the most motivation are reading the most recent articles and books. :-)

Undergraduate / "Graduation is something" - UW-Milwaukee Admission Personal Statement [2]

It's redundant here in the intro if you say "something"----> Graduation is something that is virtually every high school student's goal, whether it's in 4 years or next month it's what we all work towards.

Find a different way to say this: I have grown leaps and bounds. --A cliche is never good. Well, sometimes...

Excellent, this is solid! It really shows great intelligence and proficiency with grammar, etc.
You can make it even better if you show that you have become very passionate about some specific aspect of your chosen field... cite some articles, and show that you are now very motivated about a particular concept or kind of work that needs to be done. Show that you are now on a mission, and this will be even better than it already is.

:-)

Undergraduate / "admission to the Tajik- Turkish high school" - significant challenge MIT [4]

I felt that something inside me woke up from the deep dream, screaming out 'You are Tajik'. I gained what I had lacked for a long time: understanding of culture of my nation.---brilliant! I added a word here. Can you spot the word I added?

I really like that ending. The beginning is boring, though! I challenge you to add a sentence to the beginning so that the first thing the reader sees will be really intriguing!! :-)

Scholarship / "the scientific article about Cannibinoids" - UTAMB Internship [2]

...and I would like to gain more insight behind about the disease.

This is a good sentence to use parentheses in:
They compared two classifications of drugs in their ability to manage pain: opioids (the only approved treatment for severe pain) and cannabinoids, the new therapeutic approach.

This is really interesting! My only concern is that they might think you are a stoner and give the internship to someone else... However, that really is very important research! You know... they do not ask for this, but I think you can have an advantage if you cite a few related studies instead of just one. While you explain the "most significant" study, you can refer in passing to a few related studies. That will impress them!

Undergraduate / Help with a self essay for application to a medical program [3]


That is not really the best thing to write. Think about what your goal is. When you write, the goal usually is to make the reader do a particular thing... buy your product, visit your web page, give you a good grade, allow you into a program, award you a scholarship... so what do you want this reader to do?

Write the content that will make the reader stop and say, "Oh, this kid really deserves every opportunity, because she planned so carefully and reads so diligently. Show that you are absolutely hell bent on transforming this field and making a big splash in the world of modern medicine.

Do not use lists like this... you have to write from a state of mind that is totally free, and when you really share something that reflects a free state of mind, the reader can really feel it.

Undergraduate / Narrative Studies + Baking for USC [2]

I want to cut some content. I would like it if it was this way:
Therefore I would have to become a journalism major or a film major, but no matter what I picked I would not get the broad spectrum educational experience I wanted. Then my counselor told me about USC and the Narrative Studies program, and when I That night, I eagerly researched the program, I couldn't believe it; it was exactly...

:-)

Baking has always been a very special activity to me. When you finish writing something, always go back to the first sentence and check to see if it is boring. If the first sentence is not interesting, muster some inspiration and restate it in a clever way!

Graduate / "involved in research projects" - PhD for Petroleum Engineering SOP [4]

In that first paragraph, you gave a sentence about each of the trips, but you should add a thesis statement to the end of that paragraph so that the reader will continue to read with a clear idea of the message you are sending with the essay. Sum the essay up in a sentence, and tack that sentence on to the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Undergraduate / "fascination with economics" - Middlebury transfer essay [6]


How do you know? :-)

...and a better standard of education than the standard at home, I always ...

What I am seeking in a college is that it should be is a college prestigious enough for me to feel honored to be a part of it; it should have ...

neither secluded nor congested---Wow., you write so well, it is hard to believe English is not your first language! You write very, very well.

I think you should, if you use this essay again in the future, change the last sentences of the first and last paragraph. End those 2 important paragraphs with sentences that express an interesting, memorable concept. What CONCEPT is central to your decision to transfer. Readers love abstract concepts to think about as they interpret your ideas.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Technology offer a place to involve children to share their unique ideas [5]


Ha ha, Yes, I see what she means...
Usually when the essay says TOEFL the English is not good, but your English is good!

One way to improve is like this:
boosts it. up . --You never need to say boost it up. Just say boost it.

Now you can make the essay even stronger. Google this: refute the counter-argument
That is a good trick for writing an argumentative essay.

:-0)

Undergraduate / "Sometimes I Think I am Very Cool" -FIT Personal Essay [3]

Let's add an action verb to clarify a little:
I spent most of my time drawing people, which were represent to me the most interesting subject.

I am so impressed with the first sentence and the whole intro... very cool indeed.

BUT in that intro you introduced a theme of being this particular kind of dewy, cool person... so at the end of the intro, give a sentence that refers back to this person you are in your best moments, and USE THAT AWESOME THEME as the theme for the essay.

...I did appreciate the feeling of having others want and pay for something I had made.(Right here, make a connection with the person you are in your best moments. Tie it in with that theme. You can be that person if you sell your art.)

I hope my advice is not too late, because I see that the deadline is today, but I think you should be confident in this essay, anyway. It has lively energy!

:-) If you inspire the reader, that is the greatest thing. To this essay, I would add some more mention of short term goals.

Writing Feedback / Reflective essay about global warming - legislators should listen to constituents . [2]

As the time passe s, more and more animals are suffering from the effects of Global Warming. We are concerned that future generations will not know the animals that make our planet look beautiful. (Right here, add a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of your essay)

One result of Global Warming is that Antarctica's animal population is moving, decreasing, and ending their hibernation's hibernations early.

... and has done nothing of what he has promised. --If you say this, you have to name a promise that he has made but not kept. Also, did you watch the state of the union address? I think he mentioned some relevant goals.

Also, President Barack Obama needs to hear that we are still interested in what he said someday about his plan to deal with the issue of climate change. Unfortunately , I have not received any response ---well, in the president's defense, the world has been falling apart lately. He is very busy! :-)

The way you ended the essay has a very intelligent discussion, but I think you need to add another paragraph. That last paragraph is not a good conclusion. Add a conclusion paragraph that repeats the main idea from the thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / The school environmental club - a difference in your school or community [3]

That quote is a good one...

Most people tell the wrong side of this world and what they need to do to make it right while viewing from their comfort zones .----This first sentence was unclear, so I tried to improve it...

Some consider the need for Money money; some feel ...

When e Every time I saw them doing ...

One day I realized that instead of blaming others for what they have done wrong, why don't I I should instead teach them practically.

I learned from my experience that, it is easy to show someone that he was wrong through your my work instead of just telling and blaming him.

:-) Excellent!

Graduate / Top 20 US Business School - Non Native English Speaker here! - Volume (1) [2]

In the first one, I think you should replace the word "own" with a word that specifies which industry you are attacking. Let these sentences color you in and tell what you are all about. I also think you should not apologize for the "cliche." It is not a cliche, just a good way to explain the significance of an MBA. The only problem is that is uses a lot of words, and it uses even more words if you include those few at the beginning about it being a cliche. So... chop those!

Here is another place to chop:
The search for a business school is not an easy task, and considering the vast offers available globally, a clear mindset must be disposed to choose the right program and to embrace the experience at it's fullest. From my point of view, the decision relies on two important factors: the academic factor and the emotional factor.

See how intriguing it is if you chop the fluff and start with that intriguing sentence? I love it this way...

For the third one, again I don't like the first line. I think you should replace the first line with this: I have to holistically cultivate as a professional. Then, list those roles you have played (very impressive)

Cut this:
However, I believe that, in order to pursue my goals of becoming a successful entrepreneur within the consulting industry, ---weak, nonspecific stuff.
:-)

I hope this helps and does not discourage you! You are impressive.

Scholarship / "Computer Science at Voorhees College" an Scholarship/Internship about myself, career [6]

Hi, I'm sorry if I was too slow and missed the deadline.

All this content is great. If you still have the ability to work with this essay, I think you should try to sharpen the focus. This is a simplistic goal: "I strive with steadfast determination to become a computer and information system manager." -----It is powerfullly worded, but I think you should replace the words "become a computer and info systems manager" with some words that express your specific, specialized interests.

:-) That will sharpen the focus of the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Dreams of drawing: Autobiographical essay...sort of --- MICA essay [2]

Capitalize:
Writing an autobiography is an attempt to answer the question, "Who am I?" with stories about my

our individuality is only a momentary illusion. ---Oh, I think you are onto something important here... ego death! There is much to be said for "union."

The most clearest look into ...

Capitalize: One might think, "If only I could

For a nice style of writing, keep the verb tense consistent in each sentence: I have always enjoyed video games and found them to be

Excellent work here... your teacher will be proud of you!

Undergraduate / What are the main factors that contribute to good health? [3]

I see that you have a great style of writing, and I will just make some small changes. Some of these are not really corrections of errors -- just suggestions.

People may take away our house or money, and we can survive. However, without our health we will die. (I think this is obvious without needing to be said.) For me, being healthy eating, not smoking and keeping up my social life are the main factors that contribute to my good health.

Of course, many people believe that nonsmoking is another factor that contributes to our good health.

... like high blood pressure ...

That is why scientists have said smoking is harmful to our health. I believe too.

You have a great understanding of structure in composition. You introduced the three parts, and then you explained each part one-at-a-time. Great job!

Undergraduate / "originally a country boy with drive and aspiration" - rice -perspective essay. [4]

Brilliant concept. Let's make the beginning more concise:
Every time I gaze at my reflection in the mirror, not one, but three people would be are staring back at me: Mr. Receive, Mr. Give, and Mr. Joy.---I added a colon! This is a good place to use a colon.

Sweaty and exhausted, he always flashed a smile to the elderly seniors he took care of.----Ha ha, I really like the beginning of this sentence, but I wanted to change that word so it does not sound like you are talking about "the elderly" altogether like some conglomeration. :-)

Use a comma for every compound sentence:
Mr. Joy is my name, and I am...

Brilliant, you are great...

Undergraduate / How did you learn about Lake Forest and why do you believe you are a good fit for our [5]

s I sat down flipping pages of the book "360 best colleges in the US", I met I guess you have to cut out the name of the book...

Begin here:
Lake Forest College suddenly caught all of my attention...

If you do want to include the name of the book, capitalize it properly:
360 Best Colleges in the US

The material you wrote here does not express anything about your plan for entering a particular professional field... you need a detailed plan. And tell us what makes this school better than other possible schools. I think it is important to read some recent, professional journal articles written by scholars in your chosen field and then rewrite this essay based on your intentions for jumping into the field and making a great contribution. Include some short term goals. Do not use up any space talking about good things your friend said about it. Focus on your plan. :-)

Undergraduate / "The Power of Passion" - Common Application [6]

I'm sorry I missed the opportunity to come back to this one. I bet you will do very well!

I think it is important to be concise:
I am able to see the power of passion. It is passion that seems to be Passion is the driving force behind things that are accomplished beyond what people think they can do. It is passion that is the true ingredient in why enabling some people to be successful at what they do.

:-)

Graduate / SOP - Masters in Computer Science and Engineering [4]

diverse yet essential concepts---You should not write diverse yet essential, because it implies that essential concepts would not ordinarily be diverse... and that does not make sense.

I like it this way:
diverse and essential concepts...

You should not list all those courses in the intro paragraph. The whole essay is supposed to express one grand idea, and the intro paragraph expresses that idea succinctly in a single paragraph. At the end of that intro paragraph is a thesis statement that expresses your grand idea in a single sentence. That is how an essay expresses an idea on multiple scales. So... use that intro paragraph to capture your main message.

I am confident that given a chance I will measure up the high standards of academics and research for which the University is known.

:-)