Well, first of all you need to pay more attention to neat and tidy presentation of your essay as it is very difficult to follow. You begin your sentences with small letters and do not have paragraphs properly separated :(
Everything in it comes as in one bunch. Separate these parts leaving a blank line between them; Introduction, body paras, conclusion.
First, I have a small admin request from you. You should have had a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. This title has been attended by us :)
Therefore, people tend to pay attention to it more than the past.As far as I am concerned, there are two different ideas about this question.
.... well, I find the second sentence does not provide any meaningful contribution to your essay. Start introducing the background of the essay. This task is time bound and you've got to include sentences that can earn you a good score :)
It is always good to mention the purpose of writing your essay in the title itself. I guess this is for IELTS or TOEFL. Isn't it so?
the youth's participation on community issue has enhanced day by day
.... "community issue"? Well, that sounds pretty vague :( The reader does not have any idea about what it does mean and you need to be more specific on that.
Actually, the introduction is aimed at introducing your topic to the reader and therefore it should be presented in a more simple and interesting manner. Introduction helps you impress the reader more than any other part of your essay.
You need to upload the graph for the reader to have a better understanding about what it presents before providing his comments on your writing. Don't give links, but use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block. Once you click on that, you can select the file that you need to upload. Waiting for your graph :)
You can write very well and there is no doubt on that :) However, when you introduce the issue to the reader, you need to be very careful with presenting it in its full scale. Here you have omitted a small part which is;
... is wasteful and environmentally irresponsible.
What you say is that;
However, cars themselves, especially private ones...
You have not touched on the environmentally irresponsible aspect.
Hi, First, it is good for us to know the purpose of writing this letter to provide you with more meaningful and relevant comments. Is this for preparing for TOEFL, IELTS ? Or is this a personal letter you wrote to your dad to update him about your whereabouts? Anyway, since this is a letter to your dad, it falls into the informal category. But, as per the general norms, you start a letter by greeting the person for courtesy sake.
arrangedArranged marriage is a bad idea simply because it does not gain the acceptance from both parties who are going to live together for the rest of their lives. It is against one's willfreedom to choose his or her own partner and moreover it is something that one hasis forced to make a commitment for his or herto commit his or her entire life with.
TheNowadays, the number of crimes keep increasingincreases significantly. NumerousVarious people argue that the main purpose of prisons is punishment, while others regardbelieve that there are some reasons why prisons are built
Well, you need to have a better link between the first and the second lines. You suddenly jump to a different idea and your flow breaks there.
First of all, you should have included the essay prompt in the post for us to understand what it really requires from you. Include the full prompt on top of the essay next time!
Three of which-that is-there are a lot of differences among people now, communication means were less a hundred year ago, and people tried to convince themselves that they are happy, are the most conspicuous ones.
I find this sentence is pretty complicated and does not deliver any clear idea. It is always good to conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion.
Possessing a particular talent either in music or sport is highly desired by many people.
Well, this is not a very catchy hook I'm afraid :( You should begin your essay with a more interesting sentence which is meaningful, relevant and interesting and most importantly, one that provides a great entrance to your essay.
Follow this approach - 1. Hook - opening sentence as I explained above 2. Background of the issue - Introduce the issue by paraphrasing the prompt 3. State your opinion clearly.
Many people would surely be happy if a huge shopping centre would be built in their neighbourhood. Others may argue that there are many drawbacks to take into account like traffic.
Well, rather than sounding too general when introducing your topic to the reader, you should have been more specific and introduce your topic in its original sense. For example -
Recently, they announced that a new shopping mall would be built in our neighborhood. Although some people have mixed feelings about this announcement, I am convinced that this development would bring us more advantages over its disadvantages.
Some people think that human should not mistreat animasl;animals.
There are two sides of opinion to the animal-rights. Some people think that human should not mistreat animasl; while other people against that idea and think it's necessary for human to take benefit from them to satisfy our needs.
I feel it is good if you expressed your own view there before concluding the introduction. It does not matter that you are going to discuss both in your essay. I think that helps you organize your essay flow better and also convince your points to defend your opinion better.
Despite of all these benefits we can earn from animals , people who stand for animal rights still don't agree.
his essay will make the case for both sides before a personal viewpoint is reached.
I feel you should conclude the introduction simply by stating your opinion. The reader anyways expects you to analyse both sides and there is not point you keep telling them things they already know. It would be more interesting for the reader to explore things he does not know :)
There is no doubt that pets deserve attention for the benefits they bring.offer.
Chasing high salary while taking a great amount of risk or satisfying a job with low payment but high security has been incentively debated over the past few years.
Well, I like if this sentence has been a bit shorter. Ideally, you should start the essay with a more interesting hook, but it is also ok to start with a sentence that introduce the background of your essay. This you should do by paraphrasing the title. However, the first sentence should be interesting and more clear.
First of all, resting risks on people's shoulder can help them perfect themselves while taking secure jobs cannot.
You have the tendency to express your ideas indirectly and in a more complicated manner. What risks? you need to specify.
This issue revolvingthat people who make decisions based on emotions is quite an interesting one. Furthering to that we are faced with another issue of people trying to justify those decisions.such decisions.
Let us first talk about people who take decisions based on emotions.
you make decisions and not take decisions. :)
Let us first talk about people who take decisions based on emotions. Taking myself as an example, I have always regretted taking a decision on the heat of the moment.
Between the first and the second sentences, tell the reader what would happen when they make decisions based on emotions.
hlan]Some of us may define change as challenge. Accepting challenges means taking risk. Thus, some will encouter and overcome it regardless the result. However, some may evade facing it and stay secure. Before expressing my opinion on this matter, It is necessary to look at boths sites carefully
Well, you seem to be going a little bit out of topic. Your topic is about how people perceive change and in the introduction you need to stick to the main idea. You better change your approach a little bit;
Change can be challenging. Some people do not appreciate change as they are scared of facing the risks involved with such challenges. However, others welcome change and think such changes would bring them more opportunities for life.
The gender issues have been already discussingin discussion for many years in order to give solutions for realisinghavethe equalproportion of developing human resources. both males and females enjoying equal rights.
You need to pay lots of attention to your grammar and clarity of your ideas. In the intro, have the following approach for it; 1. Have a hook - an interesting sentence to open your essay. It should be meaningful, catchy and relevant to your topic. 2. Background of the issue - Paraphrase your prompt and introduce the issue to the reader 3. State your opinion in a clear sentence.
Very good introduction. You follow the right approach for the intro :)
First, pets are our friends as well as certain human beings are.
... the second part of the sentence is not very clear. Is this what you wanted to express; First, pets can be great companions to us. They inspire our lives by offering love and care. In most cases they can be better companions than human beings too.
Overall, this is a very good essay. You have followed a very good approach, used good grammar and vocabulary :)
I lived in my community for 13 years and that is why I have a very deep connection with it. However, accompany with our city developed, the environment get worse.as our city developed it lost the richness of its environment. Therefore, when talking to what you want to do to improve yourif I am to improve something in my community, I wish I can make some change about the surrounding, and the mission better contribute to the environment as well.to make my efforts to improve the conditions of the environment.
I see! Thank you very much Dumi :) I am trying to fix that. It just... if I write too simple sentence, i might feel somehow insecured (?!) I mean I am afraid it will not be academic or the essay is too simple somehow... What do you think?
... I feel that is a misconception held by many students. For me, what is more important in writing is clarity of our ideas and an interesting and logical flow of them. To make it look more academic you can use the most appropriate vocabulary for the ideas. Simplicity in writing is not going to penalize you with your score, but may compliment you with more marks for expressing your ideas in a very cohesive and comprehensive manner.
Personally, I think itthere is no evidence about theto support that it helps reducereduction of crime rates due to the death penalty because ofdue to many reasons.
. In the whole world, 51% countries have polished death penalty; even, it is at 98% in Europe.
Well, although there is no harm in having specific examples in the intro, I feel you have done a bit overly. Why I say so is that you should be more careful with managing time for this task. This task has a major bearing on time and your primary goal should be to complete the task on time. So, exclude all detailed stuff in the parts of your essay. For the intro you should only have a good hook, background of the issue and your opinion on the issue.
Well, there are a few admin requests for you - First, include the prompt of your essay in the thread so that we can understand what exactly it expects from you and then provide more meaningful feedbacks. Second, include the purpose of writing the essay (for example - TOEFL, IELTS) in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks :)
Peeking back at the history of mankind, sports and games are devised to spend the leisure time of the people.
Peeking back at the history of mankind, sports and games are devised to spend the leisure time. Sports not only make an individual healthy and disciplined physically but also if played in groups it creates an atmosphere of friendship and tolerance.
You write well.... however, you need to improve a lot on your approach for the intro - Begin your essay with a hook statement (the one you have is fine). The hook should be an interesting idea which is relevant to the topic, meaningful and catchy. Then introduce the background of the issue. This you can do by paraphrasing the prompt. Finally, make your thesis statement by expressing your view on the issue very clearly.
Quang binh is a poor areatownship (or village .... you need to specify) in the North Central Coast. In recent decade, Thethe development polices of the state are right, making from a poor area to a developing possibility area and having a lot of changes .helped turn Quang binh into a more developed city.
The first,First, the communication systems are more and more expandingshow a great improvement in contrast to the past and upgradedupgrading tosystems have already takentake advantage of connecting withto other areas and neighboring countries such as Laos , Cambodia
Meat has been served as the main dish in almost every family's meals all around the world.
This is not quite so true as there were and still are many communities that consist of very strict vegetarians. Hindus, Jains and even Buddhists abstain from consuming meat. This was quite common in the past, but due to globalization effects, may be the numbers are on the decline. So, you need to be careful when you make general statements that apply to everybody. You could have said;
Meat has been served as one of the main dishes in a meal in many parts of the worlds. ... always keep an allowance for the odds :)
The modern world made it easier for young people to express their beliefs and thoughts. Advancement of the Internet increased the activity of young people in the life of their community. Hence, it can be said that the youth has a strong influence on the governments and different corporations nowadays.
Well, I think you need to improve the approach for your intro - First begin your intro with a catchy hook that can grab the reader's interest into your writing. This hook statement should be relevant to the topic, meaningful and interesting idea. Then introduce the background of the topic. You can simply do this by paraphrasing the prompt. Then very briefly state why is this and what impact it can have on young people. You need to elaborate those points in your body para, therefore just introduce them very briefly in the intro (no details)
Media plays an inevitable role in bringing to the sight ofeducating people with the latest news on various topics. People from mediaMedia men dig deep to get the news and make them more sensational for their bulletin.
Mostly, media now-a-days pursue the celebrities for getting the information about their private lives.
Celebrities and public figures are one of the most vulnerable set of people who struggle hard to escape from the media's serious attention on their private lives.
In today's world, Havinghaving a good job is almost the dream of everybodyeveryone's aim because it will have a good impression on people's life.help one lead a comfortable and quality life.
As far as I am concerned, there are two different ideas about this question.
Well, you need to first tell the reader what is the issue. Do not assume that the reader knows it. This is how your approach should be;
Hook, Background of the issue (paraphrase your prompt for this) and then state your opinion.
Here you follow a good approach to construct your intro. However, you need to improve clarity of your sentences and also the flow of your ideas.
Well, it is better if you give reasons to defend your opinion and then back them with specific examples. My suggestion is to have one idea per one body para. Better to have two to three body paras because this task has a major bearing on time and you need to be concerned about that fact.
My first impression is that it's pretty short and concise. However, I have no idea about the word requirement for this task. Better go by the task requirements :)
Appearance is always often be the firstconsidered in our way of seeingthing that makes the first impression about someone or something. But this havehas to be the first, not the last. We are not little to be disappointed by outsiderexternal appearance instead of inner one.
We are not little to be disappointed by outsider appearance instead of inner one.
.... this is a very confusing sentence.... I don't understand what you try to mean by that :(
My name is Quynh Bi. I've seen the advertisement about English Summer School, I'm really interested in it, because I want to improve my English skills. That is a rare opportunity for me. I would be grateful if you could give me more information about it.
I am Quynh Bi and I am writing this letter in view of obtaining information about the English Summer School of which I came to know through your advertisement. I very keen on improving my English language skills and I am quite interested in knowing about how your school can help me with this goal of mine.
First of all, I wonder where exactly is the Capital Language School? Is it the nearest underground station? Next, we have small classes, and what is the limit of each one? I also want you tell me more about modern teaching facilities. I would like to know if the school is open during the first week in June.
First I wish to know more about the location of Capital Language School. Second, I wish to know the size of the class.
I, like some others, think that such academic institution is better to offer some special course for enhancing needed skills in future workforce. This essay will support the aforementioned opinion with some reasons and suggest several job skills that high level companies look for.
... My view is that the last sentence is not really necessary as it does not provide any value addition to your essay. It is always good to conclude the introduction with a thesis statement that clearly states what view you hold on the issue.
It is well known that multitasking graduates arecouldeasyeasilyto find their dream job compared to the other counterparts.
You need to support your reasoning with specific examples too :)
In recent times, some children consider sports to be a mandatory activity in their daily routine while others neglect it to be an optional one. It is felt that young generation should treat sports to be a positive phenomenon. This will be shown by looking at how a child gets benefited from health and behavioural perspective getting involved various sports.
... Well, it is always better to conclude your introduction with a statement that clearly expresses your opinion ( a thesis statement) . The last line you have written is pretty vague and I feel such lines do not effectively contribute for your writing.
So, the kids who get engaged in any such games are thought to possess good health and fitness. You write very well... pay more attention to your essay structure :)
It is always good for us to know what is the purpose of this writing. Is this to practice for IELTS or TOEFL? When we know the purpose, we can provide you with more task related feedbacks :)
I have to assume this as your intro. However, this looks pretty lengthy to be an introduction. In the intro, your goal should be to introduce the topic to the reader. It is always good to have a catchy opening , so begin your essay with an interesting hook.
Well, you are applying for a job, be it part time or full time and therefore this letter should fall into the formal category. So, this is how you should end a formal letter;
Your faithfully, Matt Norman ( you need to sign with the full name there as it is important for the employer)
I am writing to apply for this great job, tour guide, and to see if it is possible for you to provide me with more details regarding to this job.
Here too, you better refer to the source that you found about this job vacancy in the first sentence of your letter.
It will be better if you balance the quantity of all the body's paragraphs.
Yes, this has been one of my quick observations as I set my eyes on your essay :D However, you have covered them enough with reasons and examples and therefore I do not find any major issues there :)
Overall, you have written a good essay and hope you were able to manage time too. Have you finished this target on time? Good luck with IETLS
Some people find the challenges that these changes offer exciting;
If you organize the order other way, I feel it would be more interesting; Some people find these changes offer more interesting challenges.
Your approach for the first two essays looks alright. However, in the third one, you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately. Before expressing your own opinion on the issue, introduce the issue to the reader.
I agree with Pahan and hope you follow his suggestion to come out with a very effective intro. Also, I feel you should now get on to writing full essays... It is always better to complete the task during practice sessions to improve your time management skills for the task :)
Along with the increasing physical demands of human life, salary has become the most influential consideration in defining careers of everyone.
Well, I find this sentence pretty weak in delivering your idea clearly. You have made it unnecessarily too complicated. Your opening sentence should have the ability to hook the reader - It should be catchy, interesting, clear , meaningful and relevant to your topic. If you do not get a catchy idea to open your essay, begin with paraphrasing the prompt that explains the background of the issue.
Apart from the above advantages, however, it may also bring detrimental effects on children. Firstly, it may bring undue pressure on primary students who deserve to have less pressure in childhood. Learning a foreign language at primary school means the set up of a new subject. Kids may then be stressed by a sharp increase in schoolwork. What's more, increasing their workload too much so early may interrupt their learning processes on other subjects, including their mother language. So this may in turn hinder their original development, as they lack the ability of planning and time management.
Since you expressed your opinion supporting the statement, it is better to continue justifying your opinion rather than talking about the other side of the story. If your prompt asks you to discuss both sides of the issue, then you need to talk about both sides. However, if it asks only your opinion, then state your opinion in the introduction itself (the last concluding sentence in the intro) and then defend your position in the body paras with reasons and examples.
Secondly, the zoo also serves as a means of ecological protection. Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats, which consequently calls for the help of zoos. (why? you need to explain with more elaborated details) What is more, the ever-increasing huntings are having a heavy toll on rare and specious species. Only when zoos appear areto protect such distinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory.