Undergraduate / "leadership position" - UC-ESSAY PROMPT 2. (Experience) [3]

... from coping with other teammates to managing large-scale events.---The first paragraph is not very convincing. If I tell you that being a leader is an important part of who I am, it does not really tell you very much. "Words are a difficult means of communication" (James Mitose). If you want the reader to know leadership is an important part of who you are, state your intentions. A leader has a plan for the upcoming months and years. :-)

I feel that my level of leadership in this scenario allowed for the mock trial program to continue at St. Francis High School. This sentence weakens the essay, I think. Leadership is a discipline with a lot of research associated with it. If you want to talk about leadership you should probably cite a particular concept, like transformational leadership or servant leadership. Read some articles online, and the essay will reflect the theory you read about. it only takes a few minutes.

Okay.. I think this is a cool idea, because you show that you went through a process to make something happen... but I challenge you to explain what happened by using only 50% of the words you used. So.. condense the story about the obstacles you had to overcome. Make it so that the reader can get the important ideas without having to follow you through so much detail of the story.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Mrs Morrow's enthusiasm"- indicating a person's influence on you- Common Application [4]

Capitalize:
...and thinking "Why would the counselors ...

This is an awesome tribute to her... sounds like she really is a great teacher.

Another great thing about Ms. Morrow is that she has an encyclopedia of music and literature in her head. You can ask her anything about music and she'll know it. ---this seems unrelated to the main idea of the essay. It is a nice detail, though... but I think you could at least make it more specific.. instead of just referring to music, it must be particular kinds of music that interest her most.

... anything that makes like an obstacle. ---This sounds strange to me, but it might just be because people don't use that expression in the region where I live. :-)

The part I found most interesting was the happy birthday part. I don't know why. But if you can find some significance in that experience, something to reflect on later in the essay, I think it will create a cool experience for the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" are my guiding philosophies - FSU 2010 Essay Topic [3]

The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University, and these concepts are reflected in my life. wasted sentence

Although Artes and Mores are values that are important to me, Vires represents the principles that have been guiding and encouraging me throughout my life.---here, now this is the good sentence to start the essay! :-)

Looking on my past achievements and academic rigor, it is clear that I represent moral, physical, and intellectual strength. wasted sentence

My moral strength has a lot to do with my upbringing; as a child, I was taught to differentiate right from wrong, and the concept has never left me.

I'm not criticizing your writing when I put the line through the sentences. It's the sentences... they are the culprits. Don't let any meaningless sentences sneak into the essay.

Okay, so here is the stuff that is worth something:
Although Artes and Mores are values that are important to me, Vires represents the principles that have been guiding and encouraging me throughout my life. Since I am becoming more mature and moving into a greater chapter of my life, it is important that I learn to make good choices for myself. I am learning that the decisions I make now can impact my life forever, as well as the lives of those around me.

We are only given one body, so it is important that we take...

Because I know I have a high level of intellectual strength, I will never allow myself to settle for less than the best that I have to offer.----If you really mean this, I think you would be mentioning something about some goals you have... this world needs a lot of help. What will you do?

:-)

Undergraduate / "European Youth Parliament in Albania" - Summer activity I have been involved with [3]

This is a very strong response to the prompt. I can't imagine people writing essays much better than this, because the activity is as impressive as the writing. It would be better, though, if there was some small interesting, unexpected thing.. anything at all to make the reader pause for a moment and reflect on your lively personality.

Also, I think you should kill the first two words Last week

:-)

Undergraduate / "Having a parent develop a mental illness" - personal application, UW-Seattle [6]

In a sense, knowing just how much something means to you never occurs until you lose it. This part depletes the energy of the essay. It is a cliche, "you never know what you have until it's gone," and I think the essay is better off without it.

This instilled in me a massive amount of respect for my parents' hard work. had to work to take care of us .

Losing our family stability showed me how much my family means to me, in addition to all the things they do for me (makes the sentence confusing!), and helped to ensure that I won't forget it again.

As I previously pointed out, This whole ordeal was rough on my mother and sister, but it
was also difficult on me. I could have easily ...

Lets not say "large of an"
The extra responsibility I took on made me conscious of how large of an effect my actions can have in regards to helping others. Seeing how simply keeping a positive attitude can improve other lives has led me to be a more optimistic person.---optimism for practical purposes... that is a cool concept!

You need an apostrophe here:
After a long period of dealing with my fathers ...

The best thing would be if you could show that this deep experience somehow relates to your chosen career(s). What characteristics of the careers you have in mind are relevant to this kind of experience?

I hope your family can have a lot of success and love! We all have mental illness; don't let anybody tell you otherwise. It's because our existence is a crisis, a nightmare where everybody dies at the end. We have to hold it together long enough to get to something better! But yeah, we're all having mental illness, if not in our 20s then in our 30s...

:-)

Undergraduate / Peer pressure - just finished my first UC essay. Have some questions about topic. [5]

It sounds like a very common topic...not giving in to peer pressure.

I do not like "Is this where my life was gravitating towards," because I think "where" should be replaced with a noun (i.e. Is this the destination toward which my life is gravitating?) I would change it from was to is, because presumably you are wondering this to yourself in the present moment.

And ... Is this what I want to be?

But maybe that is bad advice. It depends on the rest of the essay. I hope you have good luck with it!! Make sure it is something more than just not giving in to peer pressure. It will be great if the reason you do not give in is because of the goal you have, the big goal you want to pursue in college.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 9/11 and Art Essay: Revise/Edit what i have so far. [2]

Songs were written. Paintings were painted. Poems were recited. Photos and videos were taken. This whole sentence has got to go. It repeats what you just said in the opening sentence.

This has good MLA and a great theme! It ends abruptly, though.

Oh... I see that this is just what you have so far. Okay, well keep going. You are doing very well! And if you have any trouble with MLA ask me because I am an MLA ninja, able to answer any question (sometimes accurately!).

A great subtopic to cover is the fact that the famous artists may seem like they are exploiting the tragedy to sell albums, etc.

Can you add a thesis statement AFTER this ... This essay will explain how art is a good way of revealing the truth of 9/11 and the real feelings of people about it. (I know this is intended as the thesis statement, but I think you should add a statement after it that tells -- in a single sentence -- the main point you want to make in the whole essay about the rteasons why it is good instead of bad.)

Know what I mean? It is okay to have a thesis that says, "this essay will show why it is good..." but it is BETTER to say, "This essay will show that it is good to use are to express ideas about the tragedy, because (sum up the truth you have come here to express).

:-)

Writing Feedback / Importance of One Parent Stay Home with Their Young Children For The First Few Years [2]

Today, young people in every part of the world hope to have successful success in their jobs . They always find opportunities to improve for their positions .

Balancing between job and family are the difficulties with them can be difficult, and of course people have eve n more difficulties when they have children.

The second of reason parents should stay at home with their young children involves the many advantages associated with doing so .

A survey conducted by (name of organization) showed that many parents feel...
One of the parents should stay ...

I agree with you!! :-)

Undergraduate / Granny's dear lesson: U Texas essay [3]

You are missing a period:
"I hope you to live well"

Wow, this is a great essay... you must have gained a lot of wisdom from the experience.

I am so happy to hear that she is alive and that you found the way to correctly think about it. You are so impressive! Yes, even when we forget everything and leave the body behind, we are still doing what we do as creative beings dreaming up the material world.

She is already a big solace just by the fact to be with our family. ---do you mean "just continuing to be with our family? This sentence is confusing.

Everything has its value just by its existence ----- Being has value. Existence is always just a temporary trip. :-) It's being that is important, I think!

This essay is going to impress the reader, for sure... the second half is most impressive.

Undergraduate / "An introvert music" - Significant experience or aspect that shaped your life [2]


In this sentence, the adverb does not help. "Tremendously" does not contribute to the reader's experience. Adverbs almost always weaken sentences! :-)

Also... the sentence above is presented at the end of the intro, so it makes me think it is the main idea of the essay... but it is not very complex. Many people could say the same thing, so it is not original.

HEY!!But look at what happens if you take away the first paragraph. If you start the essay like this is it intriguing and cool:

During mo st of my life, I have been somewhat of an introvert. Though I am not always able to express myself with words, I can tell an entire story with my black and white keys. (intriguing!!) Through performances and collaboration with other musicians, I was able...(and right here, I say, oh, she is talking about piano!)

and then you get into talking about teachi8ng piano... very good intro.

If you kill the first paragraph, the second paragraph makes a great intro. :-)

It would be great if, after you explain about Ms. Ohashi and the experience you had, you talk about how this experience can be valuable as you enter your chosen field of study. How has this experience influenced your choice of academic/professional disciplines?

:-)

Undergraduate / "it was my first performance" - Personal Experience [3]

clearly conceivable body ----conceivable does not make sense here.
nothing could drag down my kindred spirit. ---What do you think kindred means? You should google it.

Here is a sentence that carries no meaning because it basically says you had more zeal than a zealot... From that day on I was invigorated with a sense of passion and zeal to rival that of even the most devoted zealot.

I pursued activities I was previously fearful of pursuing, such as _____, ______, and _______.

The ending is great! And now that I got the criticism out of the way, I can tell you your writing style is really cool. You should feel confident about writing! When someone is naturally a poetic communicator, sometimes they use words that sound great but do not actually mean what they are being used to mean. That is a bad habit you should avoid... If you don't know what kindred and conceivable mean, don't use them! :-) Google the stuff you do not know so your excellent writing style will never be undermined by inappropriate word use.

:-)

Undergraduate / The McCormick School of Engineering, why Northwestern, Supplement [2]

I actually don't know enough about your school. I know that you guys are a prestigious place of study and really ... way a university gets its name recognition is only if the university is really good. It seems like you are saying you do not need to learn about the school because it's prestige is enough to convince you. But if you were serious about YOUR process prestige would not be enough. There are prestigious schools I would never attend because some prestige is misleading... some prestigious schools are better for some than for others. Prestige is not everything; many schools have that. You need the perfect school for your clearly devised plan for the future.

My interest in engineering ----Finally I learn something about you...

...the cars we drive, to the buildings we occupy, engineering plays a big role in making sure we live more safely and efficiently... sounds like a very superficial understanding of engineering. What type of engineering interests you most, and what type of engineering interests the departments heads most? What articles have they written?

...and you mention green energy at the end without giving much explanation. The essay reveals that you have not yet made a detailed plan for your future. You do not seem to have any specific goals, only general goals of learning engineering and contributing to green energy and transportation development. Read some articles about those topics, see what like-minded students at northwestern are doing, and write in a way that demonstrates that you have a detailed plan... the kind of plan that makes you feel some pressure to achieve specific goals at specific times during the next one or two years.

:-)

Undergraduate / I am always eager to take on new challenges-UC application [2]

If I fail of to find success in this new field, what should I do next?

Starting something new always takes causes a lot of worry and fear.

When I majored in rhythmic gymnastics, I got hurt on my backbone seriously enough that I could never be available to go back to that field again. At that time, I was a sixth grader, and in just

...within 4 four months, which was not long

I will move toward work to achieve my dream with all my passion and never miss it again.

Awesome ending!! You have a great writing style... I can't believe you only learned English in the past few years! You are very smart...

Undergraduate / "Plumbing: a toolbox gift filled with tools" - Sentence Structure Edit [2]

This sentence is confusing...
With a black plastic body, a two-piece wooden top clamps together for holding wood to be sawed.
This might work better:
Atop a black plastic body, a two-piece wooden top clamps together for holding wood to be sawed.

The box is about one foot tall by one foot wide by one foot long.---it this description really necessary?

That toolbox signified my official new title of as "Dad's partner." ---I think " " marks help make this clearer.

Since then I, comma: Since then, I have been helping my dad with whatever project he starts that on any given week.

"There" is sometimes a weak way to start a part of a sentence:
At some point in every project, there is always something always goes wrong. There's always o One thing can always be expected not to work out like it's supposed to, which makes a seemingly easy task take so much longer than expected. ----great sentence!

...partially saudered soldered together,...

At the beginning and end of this essay, I think you should tell the reader why this story is significant... is it related to your chosen career?

It sounds like your dad has a lot of wisdom...

:-)

Graduate / PhD in Theoretical Physics ('Physical Olympics') [2]

I used those methods who which I had never studied ...

I think you should change this sentence so that it specifies what motivates you:
I am also a very determined person because I feel so strongly about ___________. My teacher told me about ...

I like this sentence: This episode reveals that I am also a little ambitious, but not very much I would say.

Do not capitalize mathematical or high school... and it should be "mathematics lessons..."
Starting from my third year of university I was also asked to give some Mathematical mathematics lessons to High School high school students to prepare them to for the second round of the ...

My future goals are to take a PhD in Theoretical Physics in one the fields I am interested with one of the specializations that interest me .

Very impressive! I'm jealous about your great career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Soccer, Urugway" - someone who influenced me - international student [4]

Is the method or the final result more important? Does the history remember the dignified or the winner?

These simple questions have no real answers but I've been wondering them lately. As a child I read in children' s boks books and

Watch the spelling: exhaused

I think the first paragraph should have two more sentences added to it to make SURE the reader understands exactly what happened. If the reader does not understand that intro paragraph, the rest of the essay is confusing.

So, what is most important... the end, or the means to the end? That is a good concept. If you believe the end can justify the means, it is only true if the end, itself, is a noble and virtuous one. This is an interesting concept!

I think you should look at each paragraph and ask yourself, "What is the main idea of this paragraph?' Then, go revise the first and last sentence of each paragraph if you can find ways to make them more effective and also clearer. The first and last sentence of each para are most important.

:-)

Scholarship / A higher degree in design for visual communication - scholarship completion [5]

Usually a scholarship helps by eliminating some financial constraints.

It is not possible for someone else to write about how financial assistance will help in your unique situation.

If you write a paragraph about your goals and about what is necessary for you to get the degree, we can help you improve what you have written.

WHAT is your academic discipline??

Writing Feedback / Improving public health: sport places and importance of health [3]

Yet, there remains some disagreement as to the means to an end. The end we seek is XXXXXXXXX, and the means we use consists of AAAAAA, BBBBBBB, and CCCCCC, but this essay shows that DDDDDDD.

Above, that is what I would like to do to your first paragraph. I think it should be clearer and longer. It should specify the "end" to which you refer, and it should give the main idea of the essay.

The conclusion is too short, too. The conclusion of an essay should "add something extra" by talking about what should be done or what it all means.

But I also want to say that the English and grammar are excellent here! If this essay is intended to contribute a new idea to public health efforts, I don't think it really contributes any new idea, but it DEFINITELY has good English.

Letters / I am a multi-wavelength young astrophysicist; COVER LETTER- PhD position/astronomy [3]


It would be good if you could specify an aspect of their requirements here, and that would make the essay even more thoughtful and meaningful. At this spot in the essay, you have an opportunity to demonstrate your knowledge of their specific ideals in the program. To what requirements are you referring?

Data analysis of X-ray, Radio and Infrared of astronomical objects, this and other meaningful experiences were available to me while attendi ng summer schools and workshops in the last three years. (now add a sentence that tells your main idea for the whole essay, the idea you want them to remember).

End of paragraph.

Paragraph 2:
I am a multi-wavelength young astrophysicist with broad experience and interests.---I like the rhythm of this sentence, but I think it needs a detail added to the end:

I am a multi-wavelength young astrophysicist with broad experience and interests related especially to XXXXXXXX.

This is very impressive overall. Is it going out to multiple programs? It would be good to tailor it a little more to show why the program(s) that interest you are better suited for your particulat intentions and interests discussed here.

Good luck with your excellent career path!

Undergraduate / "I have accepted English as my first language; Singapore" - the world you come from [2]

This is a run on sentence that I will fix with a semi-colon:
It wasn't easy for me at all; I was only 13 thirteen, and I had to leave behind my school, friends and the future that I always planned for myself behind and enter another world.

Before I start started my 9th grade there, I thought I was perfect at English, but once I entered the classes, I realized that I had to say bye to whom I was before. ---hahaha, I think you are perfect at English now!

Here is another run-on sentence:
I couldn't be the top student anymore. I knew how to

It is good to write the words instead of numbers: ...the age of 13 thirteen and came to a place ...

...person I used to be, a nd I am one step ahead of other people around me since now I know how to adapt to a new place and find my way.

Great job. I think you must have a talent for language. You have a great, flowing writing style.

But here is one very difficult sentence to read:
You can never expect what universe has planned for you. One day my dream university is where everyone wishes to go in Iran, and in no time, I am dominant on another language and passionate to renew my experience and gain the greatest experiences by entering to the land of opportunities.--------I think you should simplify this sentence and maybe divide it into 2 sentences.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Summer Engineering Seminar and the will to never give up" - UC Promt # 2 [8]

I've always heard the words "never give up" all around me, and ...

Sure, I've never given up in many things like last-minute English essays or devotedly practicing for a soccer championship, but I've only recently come to understand the true meaning of these words you already implied that you only recently started to really understand them. Don't repeat it. Instead, end this first paragraph with a thesis statement that gives the main message of the essay... which is probably a sentence that tries to capture the real meaning of the words.

I think this has a t: duct tape
I'm not sure, though...

So, what is the true meaning of the words? I think you did not ever really try to express it. However, it might be something about this point at the end..."never take your eyes off the goal..." Maybe it would be good to mention something at the end of the intro paragraph about what happens if you never take your eyes off the goal, as you mention at the end. That could be pretty cool.

But the essay is already great! You are an engineer in the making.

Undergraduate / Passion in math and science, UW-Madison your academic goals, circumstances that... [4]

I have passion in the subjects math and science. subject .

In the world of science, there are endless possibilities.

Exploring the unknown world makes feel satisfied.

Economics also requires the ability to analysis data and graphs. I have the necessary passion and ability to complete my studies in this discipline.

Don't repeat the name of the school:
Having high prestige in education, the University of Wisconsin- Madison would provide the ideal opportunity to extend my knowledge. I feel confident that I can approach my dream through the University of Wisconsin- Madison. at your respectable institution.

Undergraduate / "My Enviornment: Family, Culture, and School" - UC Prompt 1 [16]

Hey, most of this is very different from the other essay. The only part that is tough to get around is this sentence: I consider myself "lucky" because I've always been able to stay near good vermillion, my parents. It is such a unique sentence that I think you should remove it because of the fact that it was written that way in the older essay. Very weird things happen sometimes!

I'm sorry, your deadline probably already passed. For what it is worth, I think it is not "empty words" ... you used the quote well. But you should mention vermilion one more time in the conclusion.

I hope you got in!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Like a magnet" Editing & Directing [4]

It makes it nicer if you put them in the same form (plural in this case)
Like magnets , films have always attracted me.

Films have drawn my attention since the first time I entered the cinema. boring, you already said it. Plus, we all are attracted to the cinema.

And Filmmaking has been my passion since the first time I held the camera.

I don't know if this is a real word: splendiferous
But if it is not, it should be! It is a good one!

:-)

Here is an idea: It's a kind of art that gives me eyes that can to see through walls and a creativity that can create (you need a different verb here. It is redundant to say "creativity to create").

Undergraduate / Dwindling Recruitment at Megalopolis Law School [5]

Here it is, my friend, capaoftexas.org/mediafiles/understanding-leadership.pdf

It is the basis for what we call TRANSACTIONAL leadership. It is a series of transactions, like a transaction at a supermarket cash register.

But in more recent times we are replacing it with TRANSFORMATIONAL leadership, which is even better! :-) Google that, too: transformational leadership

Undergraduate / "Overcoming perfectionism" - USC [5]

Ha ha, still being a perfectionist! :-)

I agree with the chem teacher. If someone is too concerned with getting something perfect, it's like getting too caught up in a dream and thinking it is real.

Hey, instead of saying "an obsessive compulsive," you should say, "a person stricken with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."

Well... as I get to the end, I think... it is not that perfection is not worth shooting for... it's just that we need to prioritize. If you are too interested in making something perfect, you cannot attend to timing, and timing is often more important than anything.

I think it would be good to talk about what this realization means for your career. In the grand scheme of your career, it is good to be a perfectionist... aim for big picture perfection, even if it means you have to cut small picture corners.

:-)

Scholarship / "a Pediatrician or a Neonatologist" -Hispanic Scholarship Fund- Short/Long Term Goals [4]

I wish you would add an intro sentence to the very beginning of the essay. Otherwise, doing so well in school may just mean you are neurotic! :-) What I mean is... I think you should give a sentence that tells what is important to you, and then explain the high achievement as a result of determination to achieve some specific goals.

With so much going around, this is one of my short-term goals as I have to stay focused in the end result of my sacrifices. this sentence is so confusing! I don't understand...

Another short-term goal is that of to compete and advance in the...

The cliché, saying that "I like to help people," is true for me , but more than that, it is a passion; for me; it gives me I find a sense of satisfaction when I

I don't know if impactful is a real word! :-)

You are very impressive!! I hope you check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Book Reports / Need help with a thesis/critical sources about Edmund in King Lear [2]

I just answered a similar question in this thread: Afghan cultural/social values cause characters to suffer "A Thousand Splendid" thesis

Tell me three things about Edmund.
Tell me three things about the theme of the play.

That is all you need. All you have to do is choose two concepts and talk about them in relation to one another. What does it mean to talk about things in relation to one another? It is thinking about their combined significance or their relationship.

To find good articles about the play, google the title with the word "analysis"
or with the word "theme"
or with the word "article"

And google scholar is a good resource, too!

Writing Feedback / Essay about concerns with education; students not learning helpful material- feedback [2]

Education is one of my personal concerns. ----boring first sentence... not much meaning. It is just informative.

"I believe" almost always weakens essays:
I believe that k Kids are not learning materials that will be helpful to them once they leave high school.

get rid of unnecessary words:
In my opinion kids are not interested in the materials that are taught in NYS regents classes. Many of the materials taught in school today don't teach kids how to apply their knowledge in the real world.

I believe that if If more kids were taught real world problems they will would be able to focus more on their education in college.

I find that m Many college students find it hard to adapt to college life because they don't know how to live on their own.

:-)

Undergraduate / "watching anime has been one of my favorite habits" - my uc personal statement [2]

I really like your style... the way you introduced this was roundabout and mellow, very cool.

During my school years in China, I found myself fascinated with math and chemistry. Thus, my dream of becoming a veterinarian was clearer than ever. (Right here, I think you should add a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Then, end the first paragraph)

Paragraph 2:
I enjoy helping people and love to help solve their problems. (yuck, boring sentence.) After I came to America, I knew my dream to be a vet would ...

And this should start the last paragraph:
After seeing those kids, now I started solving ... paragraphs are useful for making a deep impact on readers' minds.

I have been a dreamer for all my life. boring.
This is a GREAT first sentence, though:
I always dream for things to happen, or just set a dream and work it through. Four years ago I found out that I was going to

7 seven months

Cool word! dreamful ---I don't know if this is in the dictionary, but it should be!!

:-)

Then I did many successful fundraisers and made about four hundred dollars income for the club. ----it is better to get rid of unnecessary words.

Anime club and FBLA are the two of the most active clubs of my school; I'm very proud for building their reputations making a meaningful contribution.----The other way sounded strange.

Undergraduate / Daria Morgendorffer, a smart, snarky, sensitive teenage girl - Person of Influence [4]

I think the first paragraph needs a few imagery words added to it. Google imagery word if necessary.

Use a hyphen: popularity-obsessed teenager.

This sentence is like an attack on my brain: With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left, something that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with.

I think you should use a dash to fix it!!
With Daria, there was a sense of acknowledgment in regards to school as a whole, that what you did in it, wouldn't necessarily define who you were when you left -- a notion that most parents, including mine, didn't agree with.

I want to know more about how she influenced you in the sense of how you have turned out... who you are now. That means i want to know what careers you might enter and what goals you now have for the near future... tell about the result of this interaction with Daria.

:-)

Book Reports / Afghan cultural/social values cause characters to suffer "A Thousand Splendid" thesis [2]

This is a great question! I think a lot of people will benefit from stumbling upon this thread.

If 3 of your friends were discussing the meaningfulness of a thousand splendid suns, maybe you would join the conversation. I wonder what you would say? They are all already familiar with the book, so you would NOT say, "Afghan cultural and social values cause characters to suffer in Khaled Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns."

They know that. So, you would not waste time saying it. But you might say something in response to what THEY are saying. So read a review or analysis of the book, and see what others are saying. Quote another writer in your intro and make your thesis a response to what s/he said. That is how to JUMP into a conversation.

You do not have to read an article someone else wrote about it, though. You can also take another approach. Just think of a concept to relate to the book -- it can be anything... what are its implications for the future of education? What are its implications for the future of Afghanistan? What kinds of things are going on right now in Afghanistan that reflect the message of the book.

You could even take an approach that compares it to another, similar book.

Just make some blend, some combination. If you know how to mix um the raw material (i.e. articles and books) you can write anything! It is just alchemy.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Italian/Puerto-Rican in a predominantly white high school" - Rutgers Diversity Essay [3]

In school I shared my experiences and culture with those around me, though there was no one with whom I could really relate. to .

I'll fix this run on sentence with a semi-colon:
Therefore I sought to learn about my own culture in Philadelphia; I tried to get to know friends of my family there but the distance did not help.

Living right in the center of the action is what I intend to do, meet new people, learn more languages, and encounter cultures I thought I'd never see.----now it is getting repetitive. You already said you crave diversity, so now you should add a new subtopic to give more substance to the essay.

smash them together to make my life. -----cool sentence!

This is great. Just when I was thinking that you were starting to repeat the same idea over and over, you got very specific about your cultural interests. Impressive! How about telling what role this cultural-linguistic development will mean for the career that interests you. What careers most interest you? Remember, going to this school is laying a foundation for your career, so career is relevant in this essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / My World in Kentucky, UC essay prompt #1 [2]

All throughout my life my family has raised me in a way to see the big picture in life, and to dream beyond my own small town.----I think this needs to be a little more specific. Specificity is what enthralls the reader... general stuff is boring.. but if you just add 2 or 3 more words to add "definition" to this thesis statement, you can have an excellent one... "getting out of this small town" and "broadening horizons" are cliche.... but by adding 2 or 3 more words to this sentence you can make it completely unique and excellent.

To understand where I'm going ...
well, you never told much about where you are going. You told us you are going to CA to work for Invisible Children and eventually become a teacher abroad, so I want to know more details about that, more goals you have set for yourself as you prepare...

Add some nuts to this Snickers Bar. Add some more solid details about your plan, especially for the first few years at this school. That is my only advice for you, because you DEFINITELY demonstrated her that you can write well... this is good stuff...

:-)

Essays / Looking for an aphorism to use in an essay describing a character [2]

An aphorism is a saying. "Love is blind." But it is something that requires analysis if you are going to really appreciate and apply it, so that is what this assignment is all about. The complex way you think, reflected in the way you wrote this intro, makes me think you really are already able to be a pro at dealing with literature and writing, etc...

I think you are better prepared than most students for analyzing stuff and writing about it, but you must lack confidence because you said you do not know what an aphorism is. So... proceed with confidence, and when you think something is too difficult just refer to this post. You are able to do this stuff.

And Google is your weapon. Google this to find the best aphorism for your evil doctor: "Accumulated list of aphorisms"

:-)))

Research Papers / Writing a thesis statement and an outline about soil erosion [4]

Well, yes, this is a great approach. Many essayists achieve great structure by listing several things in the thesis statement and then writing a paragraph about each. This will have EXCELLENT structure.

However, it is just informative, and it does not contribute any new idea. If you want to make it even better, go a step further and make a unique observation about a way to understand the situation.

Your perspective, + the info = a unique main idea for the essay.

Express that unique idea in the thesis and also in the conclusion.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Education is my accomplishment" -statement for University of California Prompt 2 [2]

Hi Nalia, I like the first sentence, but I want to make a small change...

My accomplishments come from education; through it, I have gained personal growth and independence.

abusing...---and ---- forbidding. (keep the verb form the same)
... and I more often and forbidding me from continuing my education.

...and thought about whether I was making the right choice.

move the comma: has blessed me, and in the future I would like to do the same and help people with my career. In the future, I would love to work in poor countries. Instead of this, you should specify a field of expertise... anthropology, teaching, design?

Well, your story certainly has inspired me. I hope you find a lot of success and new families... in my life, I have a had a lot of different families, and you can do that, too. I also hope you check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

This essay is going to be a success!

Undergraduate / How Latin American Studies helped me savor the history of my own roots_ UC prompt 1_ [2]

This motivated me to learn how works of Spanish Literature reflect the current socio-economic views and emotions of a writer ( I don't think you are actually interested in socioeconomic views of writers... try to revise this sentence so that it says what you really get from the literature... developing your own views, maybe, but learning the 'view of the writer' is not the most important goal).... whereas (use "and" instead, because whereas makes it confusing and unclear) studying Latin America connected me to savor the history of my own roots. (I think you should add a sentence to specify whether this is your major.. and then end the paragraph)

During the last year of college I became engaged in college activities ??? what do you mean? Name the activities in this PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

Use a hyphen: in-depth
:-)

Scholarship / concept paper on nursing and sociolgy and how they are needed in both fields! [2]

The decision to attend college has embarked raised many students' minds and questions in many students' minds such as: What can I expect

Not many. It is a proven ...

fact that within many social backgrounds people tend to feel that they are not qualified for the work given and the time and effort that has to be placed in your their future.

It is necessary to choose a major in college because it is the key to your career and succession success in life.

Capitalize Catholic.

Advice about Structure:
Okay... I want to tell you that you have a lot of information here, but it is disorganized. Can you say the main idea of the essay in A SINGLE SENTENCE? If you can, write that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Can you revise the TOPIC SENTENCE of each paragraph so that it supports the main idea of the essay? Revise the first sentence of every paragraph so that the reader can know your message by reading only those first sentences.

:-)

Essays / Comparison report: comparing two people who are working as a team [4]


These are the topics you should be reading about. Read about learning styles, and write something about each of them. Read about interaction styles, and write something about each of them, etc.

ONLY after you have written all about the above things, for both people, can you do an introduction.

The intro introduces the body of the essay. Only introduce something you know. Do not introduce be to an audience if you do not know me yet, and do not introduce an essay if you do not know it yet.

I hope that helps!! Get your class readings, and write about each concept by using the 2 people as examples. When many paragraphs have been written, do the intro.

A paragraph is about 100 words, so you should have 13 body paragraphs, one intro, and one conclusion.... = 1500 words. (5 pages)

:-)