Writing Feedback / 'A students needs to fill his free time with enjoyable hobbies' - Sports or libraries? [4]


This is not the right place to show an detailed example. Your task here is to introduce the issue retrieved from the question.


This is not the part of the question. As it can be seen from the prompt:


, you are asking to how these issues support students' performance so as to attain academic requirements.

Writing Feedback / In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly [3]


When it comes to an introductory statement, an essayist's task is to present some background to the topic retrieved from the topic of the essay using some facts taken from the prompt. For this time, you can simply reword some of the information. Let me give a try.

People nowadays have much more options according to the importance of quick work and risk-taking rather than their grandparents did. While this idea is true for some extent, some others claim that it is slow work which makes everything correct. Therefore, I believe that these views, if implemented, will have an accumulative effect on the job satisfaction.


1. This cannot be a topic, as it adds no value for its presentation. I suggest that you present a topic forming a line with thesis statement.

2. To avoid sweeping generalization, write He/She, instead of He,

Writing Feedback / I-E-L-T-S competition and co-operate [4]


This intro uses a straightforward way to your point of view. However, this failed to present what the prompt is asking you. I suggest that you simple paraphrase the keywords from the question. For this question, a closer look at the red ones below:


Here is the result:
More attention should be paid to how to educate children. As per educational stakeholders, it is necessary to encourage children to take part in activities resulting in a sense of competition. While this idea is true to some extent, some others argue that children are taught to promote a need for cooperation so as to be more useful adults. Therefore, I would argue that children should be equipped with these life skills.

Writing Feedback / Process of making maple syrup... - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [5]

Where is the picture? It takes some time to understand your writing if no picture/diagram is attached. Overall, this report is good. However, I didn't see an overview presented. If you have an aim to earn a band of 6 and over, then writing an overview is a must.

Writing Feedback / About the situation of the extinct languages - [IELTS task2]: [3]


I know that you try to use comparison language here. However, you failed to present what the prompt is asking you. A closer look at the prompt asks you to cogitate about why some languages die out. If I were you, then I simply reword the question retrieved from the prompt, so as to stay focus on the topic.


This group of sentences adds no value. When it comes to a paragraph, you need to construct at least one topic, one supporting detail which can be taken from scientific fact and a small conclusion to recall and emphasize the point of view from the topic.


You need to rewrite this conclusion, as it doesn't represent your claim (read: thesis statement). I suggest that you simply paraphrase the thesis, and if you could, then add your recommendation, hopes or fears prior to ending your concluding paragraph.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to have an enjoyable life than to earn a lot of money? [ielts writing task 2] [8]

I think you need to a slight improvement on your introductory statement. For this question, let me give a try:


More attention should be paid to how people form a balanced line between job satisfaction and great life. While some people argue that going through an enjoyable life outweighs the large sum of money they have, some others believe that a better life is a result of a top salary. However, I would argue that people should consider other aspects of their life, such as relationships and health so as to achieve more fulfilled lives.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: Pass rates of undergraduates in their first academic year [3]

As can be easily seen, the amount ofpercentage of/figure for students did not fail at the end of the semester in the year 2008 was smaller than in 2012 with the only one exception out of six disciplines. In both years, the percentage of most students passed computer science was higher than that of whilst the programs of Humanities failed the majority of its.

Some points that you should highlight here are that you can't write "amount" for this trend, as it can be seen from that chart using "percentage" as its measurement. Also, for the next essay, you should write an overview presenting the general trend of the chart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What is the most happy age between teenage and adult. Discuss both views. [5]

Well, you are of good writing. However, I see that you failed to present what the prompt is asking. To justify what I am saying, a closer look at the question:

Opinion 1: Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people's lives.
Opinion 2: Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities.
Task 1: Discuss both these views (You are asking to discuss both opinions according to happiness)
Task 2: give your own opinion. (Then, you are to show your arguments retrieved from the scientific facts as to support your main topics)


This is not all about the age, but how those people in different ages glow with happiness

Writing Feedback / IELTS - despite the obstacles found in the new place, traveller could obtain some new experiences [6]


A closer look at the prompt shows that you are asked to discuss the merits or demerits to visiting new places. However, I do not see that you did it, as it can be seen from the second and third body paragraphs. To justify what I am saying, let's see this


It is rare to see that people spend their free time going to supermarket or shopping centre. Most people prefer going to beach, mountain or other tourism places. Also, this sentence


shows that you failed to define what holiday is, a period of time when you travel to another place for pleasure retrieved from Longman Dictionary What you have written is that you are taking about workers spending their spare time in weekend as to reduce stress at work.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: constructing public transportation systems in cities is good? [9]

This writing is good. However, it contains over 400 words, which I think that if you deal with such words in the real exam, then I am sure this will take some time to finish.


This contains a grammar issue. Write a central role or central roles.


What do you mean by "good transportation"? This is too vague. I suggest that you write it in-depth discussion.


the number of people using private vehicles is tremendous


This paragraph contains too many ideas. Always remember that one paragraph is of one topic sentence. Plus, two or three sentences supporting the topic. By doing so, I am sure that readers will be easy to follow the logical order.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Living in dormitory can immensely enhance your independency skills [2]


I know this is one of the approved forms when dealing with an introductory statement. However, you need slight improvement on this section. For this question, let me give a try:


University is a place where adult students spend their half time to study. For some people, they prefer living university dormitories which offer more opportunities to make friends. For some others, they argue that apartments in the community have an ideal location, which is mostly found in commercial activities. However, I would support that university dormitories are more convenient and peaceful as a place to live.


I am sure this is a cliche. When it comes to a concluding signal, I always use this: Aforementioned evidence examines that ....

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Summarizing a Bar Graph (Population of Asian Elephants) [2]

The graph illustrates the estimated maximum population of Asian elephants in nine countries in both 1997 and 2004

HereT he overall numbers in population rose from 1300 to 1400, a rise of 100 elephants in 7 years. Then, followed byin Laos where the population of elephants remained constantvirtually unchanged, at 1600.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the level of education among women in the land experienced an upgrade [2]


The pie charts illustrate how educated women in someland attain their high levels of education between 1945 and 1955, a period of 5 decades.


this is well presented :D.


Break this paragraph into, as it helps readers understand the points of comparison and contrast.


Well, you don't need to present a conclusion when it comes to IELTS task 1.

Writing Feedback / futuristic city vs marvelous artifacts - historical building IELTS essay [4]

Well, this writing is good. However, this lacks specific examples for both para 3 and 4. As you can see from the prompt:


it is your task to present in-depth views retrieved some facts as to support your claim.


A futuristic city? What does it refer to?
Always remember that you are not allowed to present new idea(s) in the conclusion. Your task is to recall the main points and restate the thesis statement. If needed, then give some viable suggestions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - nowadays human activities are influenced by computer use; computers are more of a hindrance? [2]

This essay is good. However, this contains grammar issues affecting the flow of the sentences.
A closer look at this:


.
Computer is a modern device that is useful for human life.


More specifically, people use computer for work, study, and communication


Why do you say so? This is a vague outline

I would argue that this modern device has been a major hindrance to some people. A study conducted by Mediabank shows that majority of Australian adults do not socialize with their families and friends as much as they used to, due to the fact that they spend almost nine hours a day dealing with computers as to produce efficient time in working. As it can be seen from the example, the idea that computers could be a help has been neglected.

Writing Feedback / People can easily achieve success unless they have two prominent aspects: talent and hard effort [3]


Every person has dreams of success in his/her career.


a dominant factor of success


The idea comes nowhere. Please check it


for what purpose do you quote this short passage from Colvin? I did not see this passage form a line with the topic. In the end of the sentence, your should conclude what you have presented as to recall your point(s).


Try not write a topic retrieved from a definition or a quotation, commonly known as general ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Modern forms of communication increases the frequency and quality of interpersonal links [3]

Stop listing people's ideas as this adds no value. You need to synthesize those ideas.Combining information from two or more sources is called a synthesis. If you are dealing with a concept or events, research from different sources can be synthesized to offer a well-rounded explanation of it. This requires more than simply summarizing passages of source material. You are to draw connections between the sources, and use them to relate the different passages.

Writing Feedback / In the professional work life there is just one factor that motivates people - money [4]

Firstly, as the forum rules, it is always better you include the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title as to earn more feedback.

Secondly, the question is asking about


and


,
your task is to compare and contrast the two ideas. One body paragraph discusses one issues, while other is reverse. By doing so, readers are more interested in reading this essay. Also, if you could, then provide relevant facts. Let's say the result of the latest research in Britain dividing the overall job satisfaction into two: material satisfaction and quality satisfaction can be used to support your claims.

Writing Feedback / People smart choice should be supported - they have right to refuse a job proposal - IELTS [2]


In IELTS, I suggest that you'd better write "some people", instead of some, which seems incomplete thought.


both negative and positive trends, which depend


It is because the prompt is asking about


, it is always good to start with I would argue that until a few years ago, there was a taboo around the subject of not getting the job offers due to some personal reasons like ages and circumstances.

Writing Feedback / IELTS national teams/individual financially supported by the government/non-government organisations [4]

This essay contains over 500 words. Also, make sure that you write it in 40 minutes.
It is hard to measure this writing as it adds no task. In IELTS, you are offered a task: agree/ disagree, discuss both views, problems and solutions, etc..


In conclusion,..

Writing Feedback / School subjects will influence in student's future - Physical Education - IELTS TASK 2 [2]

You need to include some scientific facts to support your arguments. By doing so, readers won't categorize this as hearsay ideas.
Here are some facts retrieved from Google:

In Portugal and Scotland, it is mandatory for schoolchildren to attend PE classes. However, pupils only spend 2 hours per week in class. ITB as one of the prestigious universities in Indonesia always includes PE in its curriculum for freshmen.

A 2007 American study shows that students spending 56 hours of PE in a year profoundly gained academic attainment in standardized testing if compared to those who had only 28 hours of this.

Writing Feedback / Public should care together with government and all participants to solve problems of our planet [2]

Climate change has been hot issue discussion in the worldToday's issue is climate change . Government and members of public in all parts of the world attempt to reduce the main cause of the climate change because climate change becomeas it seriously threatens to the world in this age. However, one sidesome people believes that the political actions are not enough to minimize pollution and consumerism. From my point of view, I strongly believe that all participants should mutually work together to combat pollution and consumerism.these issues

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Exporting is beneficial to people's well-being as they can afford high quality products [8]


Please allow me to rewrite for these;


While I believe that exporting goods has merits and demerits, I personally argue that if compared to the negative effects, then this idea has more positive ones, such as competitive prices and quality control systems that meet global standards


I would argue that buyers consuming products made in different countries have opened up global markets that were previously intangible, benefiting the exporting and importing countries. Firstly, ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Exporting is beneficial to people's well-being as they can afford high quality products [8]


This is very good introductory statement. However, the last sentence


seems too common among IELTS essays. If you could, then you'd better rewrite the part so as to prevent being categorized as one of the memorized languages.


This cannot be put as the topic sentence as it adds no value to start your argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The surveillance of closed-circuit television [5]

You need to present scientific facts so as to support those paragraphs. By doing so, readers won't cogitate about this as hearsay ideas. I would say that you'd better do some research prior to writing your essay. Always remember that IELTS essay is also designed to test your knowledge.

A quick search from Google:
CCTV cameras are connected to TrapWire, a U.S. system designed to catch terrorists. However, a study shows that video surveillance in Britain has feared the UK, in terms of "sleep-walk into a surveillance society".

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Graphs: UK tourism statistics [5]


This needs a slight improvement on the flow of the sentence. Let me give a try:
In terms of the most popular countries visited by the British in 1991, France and Spain ranked first and second respectively. This can be seen from the chart that over 10 million of visitors went to France, while almost 10 million of travellers visited Spain. However, no more than 5 million of UK visitors were more likely to travel to USA, Greece, and Turkey.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Potential benefits of zoos overwhelm its pitfalls due to the facts presented below.. [3]

Paragraph 1:


.
Believe it or not, Many students use this sentence dealing with their IELTS essays. It's better if you add one or two ideas in order to create a new sentence, instead of the common ones.

Paragraph 2 & 3:
If you could, then the fact from American Zoos launched in Philadelphia in 1874 can be used as factual data to support your arguments, instead of taking these ideas below.

Negatives of Zoos
-


-


-


-


-


-


Positives of Zoos
-


-


-


-


-


Every day I read two-three sample essays for IELTS. By doing so, it is easy for me to juxtapose old with new ideas. For this time, it is found that 90% of the ideas of this essay above retrieved from an ex-examiner's work: Simon. For those who think that it is hard to find ideas when it comes to IELTS essays, I'll say that it is OK to read, imitate, and use someone's ideas, but always remember, to prevent being penalized in the real examination, candidates should restate, paraphrase, or synthesize all the ideas. As a result, your graders are interested in reading your essay(s).

Paragraph 4
I know that this is acceptable in IELTS. However, if we seriously consider that a concluding paragraph is also important, then we should highlight that a good conclusion should be written: The main points of the essay is to summarize, and then the thesis is rewrite in different words. Also, it is imperative that a writer should make a final comment about what the main ideas are about prior to emphasizing an action that should be taken.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Cinema viewers in the four various countries: India, Ireland, New Zealand and Japan [3]

A few details to share:


The table chart illustrates the figures for cinema viewers for films in four different countries and is measured in millions.


Overall, while the overall growth in the numbers of theater viewers is recorded by India, Japan generates the least number of people going to cinema. Cinema viewers from Ireland and New Zealand prefer watching action movies rather than viewing other genres.

You write well. However, you need a slight improvement on the intro and overview.

Undergraduate / What is the good life? Describe your notion. [7]

Well, you write well. Here, I just want to make sure that you should form a line with the prompt so as to prevent off-topic. As it can be seen from this prompt, you are asking to define "the good life" in terms of



and


. If I were you, then I would construct those aforementioned points in different paragraphs so that I can emphasize the need for the prompt. .

Writing Feedback / IELTS; having purpose of life and being helpful as the main factors to achieve happiness [4]

Hey..., it seems that you didn't pay particular attention to the previous comments. I suggest that you get back you the last essay and peruse all readers' comments.

When it comes to an introductory statement, your task is to introduce the background information retrieved from prompt, and then raise your claim. Also, it is a good idea if you could present a hook, which attracts the readers' attention. By doing this, I am sure that you will have a solid introductory paragraph.

Although you have written two informative bodies, you failed to build your strong arguments so as to answer what the prompt is asking. As a result, the contents of this essay are too weak to defend your arguments. As mentioned previously, I suggest that you'd better find some facts retrieved from some finding. Taking an example, you can extract the results from The Journal of Happiness & Well-Being.


each person has


common/public perception

Writing Feedback / Academic Writing IELTS about numbers of computer users - graph [4]

Hi, welcome to EF. I know this is the first time you come over here. However, I would like to introduce some rules regarding how students should post their essays. Here are:

1. I suggest that you write all essays on this board instead of attaching to the pictures, which take some time to read.
2. Also, you are not allowed to post two essays in a room. Write them in different rooms.

Please write and repost them all. We are looking forward to seeing your essays. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 2: children should take formal training to become good parents [5]


You write well. However, if you could, then present a hook, attracting readers' attention. Background information retrieved from the hook is written prior to the claim. For this question, let me give a try:

Parenting is hard to master. For this reason, some people argue that children should be taught to be good parents by sending them to school's formal training. While this helps schoolchildren understand how to make responsible choices in family structure, I would argue that children should cogitate about how to gain academic attainments instead of learning this issue.

Writing Feedback / Exposure to foreign language at primary school should be encouraged as much as possible - IELTS [11]


This intro is well-done. However, you need to redo the two blue sentences. I see many students put these sentences in the end of the intro, as it can be categorized as memorized language. As to prevent being memorized ones which may get your score down, you are to enlarge why those attract your attention.


Also, this concluding statement is too simple. Recalling the aforementioned facts and thesis is a must here. Then, give some suggestion prior to ending your paragraph.

Writing Feedback / A greater proportion of the budget should be allotted to education and prevention issues - IELTS [14]

Writing Feedback / 'Television and vacuum cleaner were the most preferable durable items'; "Consumer Durables"; IELTS [5]


Remember, try to prevent numbers or years when talking about an overview.

Let me give a try for an overview:
It is clear that while the most common item was recorded by Television, telephone and central heating experienced the biggest change if compared to other goods.


You need a slight improvement on words.
A closer look at the table shows that 93% of British homes had a TV in 1972. In 1983, this increased to 98%, a rise of about 7% over a period of 11 years. Then followed by the majority of homes: a vacuum cleaner and refrigerator, these goods stood at over 90% of households from the 1970s onwards. At the same time, washing machines came fourth in this proportion, from 66% to 80% of households, between 1972 and 1983.


Sorry Dear..., I can't even give you the band score. I just want to make sure that your report writings align with the IELTS TASK 1 Writing band descriptors (public version).

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 : GDP line graph [3]


in a particular country over a period of eight years, from 2000 to 2008.


In any case of its decline showed in the first five years


When describing changes, try to prevent "rocket" as this is too "sensationalist". Which exaggerates too much, and is more journalistic than report writing. I suggest that you use it with care.


I'm not sure that it is error-free. Please check it.


it had shown or it showed? Have you tried using Google (or another search engine) to resolve tense problems?

Writing Feedback / 'Television and vacuum cleaner were the most preferable durable items'; "Consumer Durables"; IELTS [5]

You write well.
You don't need to write a conclusion for IELTS writing task 1. You need to write an "overview" of the information. Which is what the main trend(s) in the graph is presented.

A conclusion should be at the end of a piece of writing (IELTS task 2). An overview or general summary could go either at the end or near the beginning.

Writing Feedback / Life is easier? Positive view about everything always help us for having a good life in every times. [3]

To write an introductory paragraph, you have to show background information and thesis. For this moment, you did. Yet, we cannot mark whether you write the intro successfully or not as you didn't make the prompt clear. Please include the complete question.

This is not a well-organized paragraph as some ideas stated found here and there, which didn't show a coherence of thought.
For the next essay, try to construct the body paragraph using this outline:Topic sentence + more details + example. By doing so, I believe that you'll have a read worthy essay. Also, write the purpose of the essay: IELTS, TOEFL, GRE, etc.. as it helps readers share meaningful feedback.

Writing Feedback / Theme : about alternative medicine treatment and dangerous risk from it [9]


To answer the prompt correctly, it is always good to see these points. Here are:
1. Always watch and identify the parts of the prompt more closely.
Fact:Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine.
Opinion:at the best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.
Task:To what extent do you agree with this statement?

2. Always focus on the details in the question and consider topic restrictions
Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine . However, at the best these methods are ineffective , and at worst they may be dangerous

3. Then, simply rephrase the question
Is the use of this medicine ineffective and dangerous?

If the answer gently says "YES", then explain "WHY", or vice versa. For this part, I recommend to look at both sides if possible. If you speak in favour of this issue, then findings from the journal Pain Medicine, that some older people tend to use alternative more frequently so as to cure chronic illness, can be used to support your argument. However, more than 2% older population in the USA reported to cause spontaneous bleeding after consuming Gingko biloba are strongly against the former one.


This introductory statement failed to represent the background information and thesis. If you could, then redo it.


You have written the body paragraph. However, you failed to present what the question wants. Please go back to the prompt to see what's like.


It's not about why educated people prefer going to medicine man, but why alternative medicine is dangerous. You are off-topic.


Simply restate the main point and thesis. If you could, give some suggestions, but do not introduce new ideas.

Writing Feedback / Average distance in miles traveled by English person per year 1985 and 2000. [3]

Including the picture of the graph is a must. The picture helps readers understand the logical order easily.

Thanks to the search on Google, I bring it to this board :D

Turning to the table, let me try to write an introductory statement:
The table shows the average distance of miles traveled per person using different means of transport in England, from 1985 to 2000

Then followed by an overview:
Overall, people from England were keen on travelling much in 2000, if compared to the year 1985. This can be seen from the total distance experiencing a dramatic increase, from 4740 to 6475, a rise of about 1735 measured in miles in 15 years.


The average people walked 255 miles in 1985. However, this experienced a slight decrease to 237 in 2000. At the same time, people riding bicycles covered the average distance from 51 to 41 miles.

For the next writing, please include the picture and use the language of comparison. By doing so, you will earn a good score :D

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