Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]

Gio the first question I have for you is this, what is the importance of your contribution ? How did it affect the community? What were your plans for this fund raising? Why did you believe that this was an important thing for you to do? Why do you consider this a notable accomplishment on your part? The aforementioned are the guide questions that you should be using to develop the important portions of your essay.

At the moment, your essay is nothing more than a slightly informative narrative. You have to develop more prompt relevant response paragraphs in order for you to properly deliver the necessary elements for the reviewer's consideration. You see, the prompt does not require you to explain only what you learned from the experience, which in your case, seems to be about sales. The topic wishes to have you represent your self-reliance and / or leadership abilities that have allowed you to help others, as in the case of community service, or your extra ordinary abilities, in reference to your extra ordinary talent and skill.

The topic that you chose can be used, provided you revise it to reflect the importance of the community service that you did. If you can, try to concentrate on your leadership abilities and the positive outcome of the project on behalf of the community. You can work on the catchy intro, flow of logic, and more relevant conclusion once you direct the essay towards the proper topic. Once you get that right, everything else will fall into place for you :-)

Undergraduate / A Berea College Aspirant From India, Still Figuring Out The Steps..........Friends, Can You Help? [5]

As I mentioned before Nil, you should be looking into the international scholarship grants available in your home country, as well as in the international scholarship community. I am not the person to be asking about the available scholarship grants or how you should go about applying for one in your country because I am not part of the career counselor or guidance counseling staff of your school. You should refer to these people in your high school. Tell them your plans to enroll overseas and your need for a scholarship in order to achieve that ambition. They should be able to refer you to the relevant scholarship grants and how you should go about applying for one.

In the case of international scholarship grants, you can refer to the scholarship requirements of the various universities you might be interested in applying to aside from Berea. Each university has an international scholarship allotment per semester so the application is stiff. You need to look into their specific GPA and other pertinent scholarship information. These should be readily available on their webpages and should have links to email addresses that you can use for further inquiries.

Don't focus all your attention on Berea if you are planning on becoming a scholarship student. Cast your net wider and look into various colleges and universities scholarship grants. See which ones you might qualify for or which ones you should work towards. You have more than enough time to prepare for graduation and receiving a scholarship. Good luck with your efforts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT: whether cultural traditions should be used as a money-machine? [2]

Carol, this is an excellent first try at an IELTS GT. You were ble to properly develop opinions in both the pro and con sections, as well as present a clear personal opinion on the matter. The only shortcoming of your essay has to do with your introduction paragraph. While you did manage to present both sides of the argument, you were not able to present your personal opinion in an overview form as the prompt instructed you to do so. Keep in mind that when you write an introduction, you need to reflect all of the prompt requirements in the paragraph. This is because the first paragraph will be the examiner's basis as to what to expect in your flow of discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. Whenever possible, refer to the prompt again before you move on to the next paragraph just to make sure that you have covered all of the bases.

Now, these standard essays normally carry 5 paragraphs. That is the requirement of the essay writing portion. That covers an introduction, an opposing side, a supporting side, your opinion, and then your conclusion. In this particular essay, you covered 4 out of 5. Had you developed a proper conclusion for your essay after you presented your opinion, you would most certainly have scored quite highly on this test. This essay would most likely have gotten a higher score had all of the prompt requirements and format expectations been met when you wrote it.

I will not comment much on the grammar problems of your essay as you have a pretty decent grasp of the English language, manage to think well in the English tongue, and have a knack for writing in the same language. While there are some grammar problems, it did not have an effect on the opinion you were presenting so the grammar problems would not have affected your final score too much. Although some points will be deducted due to any grammar mistakes, it won't be so large that you will not pass the test. This essay, even with all its errors, will still get a pretty decent grade as an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Should only staff who have worked in a company for a long time be promoted to a higher position? [3]

Mai, when you are asked to directly discuss your opinion on a given topic, always make sure to take possession of the discussion in order to strengthen your opinion as you present it. It is important that you use words such as "My opinion" and "I believe that" or "I consider" in order to constantly remind the examiner that this is your point of view and not some generalized statement that you are making.

With regards to your introduction. It is severely wanting in terms of quality of content. This should be at least a 3 sentence discussion / presentation of the prompt, facts within the prompt, and the opinions that you will be discussing in the essay. The same goes for your conclusion. It needs to properly restate the prompt, summarize the facts, and then deliver your opinion in conclusion. That is the best way to close the essay.

Your discussion of the topic is academically acceptable and does not require any major revision in terms of opinion. You have managed to present a pretty coherent discussion that has strength and merit due to the fact that it is based upon practical considerations and well known arguments in support of your opinion.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, if you are writing a statement of purpose, there is no need for you to close it in the manner that you would a formal letter. The Statement of Purpose is still only an essay and should be formatted as such. There is also no need to thank the reviewer for allowing students from the marginalized third world to apply at their university. That is not how you end the statement of purpose. You end it by explaining how you see your career in the near or far future. In other words, you conclude it with your plans to establish a R&D company in your country.

The information about your journal publication is incomplete. That is part of information that the university team will want to verify as part of your credentials in the application. So aside from the mention of the journal name, you also have to give the publication data. That will include the year, month, date, volume, and series number of the magazine that your research was published in. Believe me, it will be in your best interest to provide the complete and verifiable information to the admissions team. You want to prove your abilities as a researcher and your potential as a student and this is the best way to do that :-)

Expand upon the reasons why you want to work with these specific professors. How does your work tie in with theirs? Do you have any plan of convincing them to develop a collaborative project or research in the event that you are given the opportunity to work with them? In that case, what kind of research do you see yourself pursuing at the university with them? How can the university help that research become a reality with or without the collaboration of those professors? This is one of the most important aspects of the statement of purpose so you have to make sure that you develop this paragraph in the most convincing manner possible.

Scholarship / Tightly packed responses; career impact, influential person, six qualities and leadership [5]

Brayan, the problem with your leadership position response is that you were the leader, decision maker, and implementer of the actions that had to be done. That is not how leadership works. Being a leader does not mean being a one person team. A leader knows how to form a team, encourage a team to work together, cooperate in all actions, and bask in the success of overcoming obstacles together. There is no sense of that in your previous or current response.

What you have to show in the leadership abilities are your skills at doing exactly what i mentioned above. After you got the group organized, what were the problems that you encountered? Probably some situations regarding team building would be a good topic to discuss in relation to your leadership skills. Don't make the leadership statement solely about you. Instead, show how you have the ability to lead people towards success. As they say, there is no "I" in the spelling of the word "TEAM". So show us how you managed to lead the team to accomplish the task you set out to do. It will be hard for the reviewer to believe that your organization members did not do anything during the drive and that you just acted alone. So be realistic.

You were almost on the right track with the way you threshed out your first response. All that was missing was the obstacle that you had to overcome with the team. Develop a response that involved teamwork with you as the leader of the team who brought the team to work together. That is what we are aiming for here :-)

Undergraduate / Interests and focus - Essay prompt for Purdue [5]

Great development Logesh. Be proud of this background story. It is one that really reflects the strength of your background in computers. Your dedication to the craft, and how your experiences can all add up to help you pursue a very impressive career in the field, should your enrollment at the university permit :-) Your discussion that combines an excellent look at your background, talent, and interest in the field has created a written version of your personality that should truly help your essay become interesting to the reviewer.

As for the problem with the 27 words,the bet way to approach the editing is by removing the narration at the start of the essay. Since your group failed to win that competition, it isn't really in your best interest to present that story. Only present the information that will increase your chances at admission. Joining a competition where you did not manage to place in the winner's podium isn't going to help your application. It only helps if you won.

Don't worry, the essay is very strong even without the reference to that event. As long as you deliver on the background, interest, and talent aspect, you don't have to worry about presenting yourself as a winner. The character traits and development of your interest already made you a winner in some way :-)

Graduate / Waitlist/Rejection Argue essay for CMU eBusiness program [3]

Shiyun, I don't know what you are thinking writing an argument essay in the event that you "might" be wait-listed. Please remember that being wait-listed does not mean you will actually be admitted during the current enrollment cycle. Also, you cannot present an appeal essay unless you have been invited to accept a wait-list offer. the universities have specific guidelines as to how you can appeal your being wait-listed. However, you need to first, wait for the offer to be wait-listed. Which means that you at least passed all of the qualifying requirements of the university, you just did not make the student quota for the semester. Then, only after accepting their invitation, can you actually think about appealing the wait list decision.

Now, the main problem with your appeal letter, is that you are arguing your wait-listing instead of appealing it. Since you have not presented any new information for the university to consider as additional information for your removal from the wait-list, you have just wasted not only the reviewer's time, but your time as well. Universities do not consider letters such as yours appropriate since you were already told to just sit tight and wait. See if they can fit you in this semester. Don't do anything. The final move, with regards to your admission is in the hands of the reviewers and there is nothing you can do about it. Unless you have new and compelling reasons that can convince them to admit you. In this case, you aren't presenting anything new or compelling. So don't use this.

Besides, how sure are you that you are going to be wait-listed? Things can go 3 ways for you at this point. So while I know that it might drive you crazy to wait, that is all you can do, wait for the decision. Writing this letter is inappropriate and will not help your case. In the event that you are wait listed, just follow the instructions of the university and don't try to appeal it. That could hurt your chances of admission in the future.

Graduate / Duke-a list of '25 Random Things About Yourself.' [4]

Shiyun, two points that I believe are too personal to be telling a stranger in this list are the reference to the 2008 financial crisis and your point of view about marriage. Those two bits of information fall under TMI (Too Much Information). While you can consider the admissions officer a friend, if that is what will help you become more comfortable in responding to the prompt, then consider him such. However, he is not your personal best friend, so there should be some super personal information that you should withhold from the list.

One of the reasons why I want you to hold back on these particular pieces of information is because it might create some sort of opinion in the mind of the reviewer regarding the kind of person that you might be. It may work counter to the image of the student that you wish to present to the admissions officer. So always make sure that you do not present any information that just might work against your application.

The rest of the essay is really informative and provides enough of an idea as to the kind of personality, traits, and character that you have which can help the reviewer better understand who you are and where you come from. You don't really need to present the more personal information in the list. These are the types of information that your friends in the university should get to know about you over time and as your relationship grows with them.

Undergraduate / write a paragraph about some actions that should be taken to protect our oceans [3]

Your excitement and energy are actually leaping off the page. There is a sense that you wrote this paragraph in a quick manner, considering only the most obvious ways that you could respond to the question. Most of your input is based upon the most basic and well known solutions to the problem of environmental pollution and destruction. While this is an acceptable response, I wish you had given some thought to the question posed and taken the time to think about some original responses to the question.

This sort of question is meant to help you improve your analytical skills and logical thought process. this is an opportunity for you to actually take the time to learn something new and unique in relation to environmental protection. Aside from these normally given responses, are there any other solutions that you can think of which would take these known steps further and serve as an improvement to the already existing solutions?

If you review your response, you will notice that you have confused land pollution with sea pollution in your response. According to the prompt that you provided, you were supposed to discuss how to protect the oceans. So the response that you delivered should have focused on that target. So which parts of the response that you wrote apply to the question posed? You should develop the following parts of your response:

1. I think we shouldn't litter...
2. I suppose the government...
3. not to purchase products...

Those are the most basic responses that you can fall back on. It would help your response if you did some research on the topic and tried to use some updated solutions to the problem. the combination of the two should create a stronger paragraph response.

Research Papers / Autism Spectrum Disorder Unravel Etiology. Remember to persist communication with autistic children. [2]

Fanny, I am not really sure about what your topic or focus in this essay should be. There is no clear outline being developed in your first paragraph that would qualify it as a thesis statement. the lack of which, has resulted in the confusing and illogical research that you have presented. What is the focus of your research? If you are using Axel to define your thesis statement, you should clearly state the question you will be trying to answer in the research after you present him as your case study. These should all be located in the first paragraph. Regardless of its length. have you considered developing an Abstract prior to writing this paper to help guide you in its proper development? by the way, you can't present the purpose for your research at the very end of the paper. The way you have your research set up at the moment, nobody who reads it will get that far nor have the patience to try to figure out where you are supposed to be headed with these information presentations you are making. The purpose fort he research goes into the first paragraph. It shall never be located anywhere else.

The lack of proper formatting of the paper has also resulted in a page that is highly difficult to read. You need to separate your paragraphs and also focus on topics for discussion in each paragraph. You are jumping around with your information presentation. There is a lack of transition sentences that can help in the smooth transition of the paragraphs from one to another. Without it, the whole essay is confusing to read. Right now, it just seems like a jumble of related information that lacks coherence. The presentation needs to be more solid.

Do you have any guide questions that can help you in developing the research paper in a chronological and logical manner? Consider developing your topic outline before you try to revise this paper. That way you will be able to develop a series of topics that interrelate and will allow you to give the research paper a more coherent approach to the presentation of your information.

Graduate / To serve the great nation of mine (India). Suggestion on the pros and cons of my personal statement [3]

Prithivi, when you write a personal statement, your concentration should be more focused on the development of your interest in the particular field you are enrolling in. I don't really suggest that you open your essay with a quote because those are the words of someone else that you will be trying to connect to your own point of view or personality. I have never found essays that start with quotes to be strong because the strength of the essay relies on the writer's ability to connect himself with his chosen quotation. A truly strong essay opens with an anecdote regarding the writer himself in my opinion.

The anecdote should be able to establish your early interest in your desired course or ambition in life. What was that pivotal event in your life that led you to the realization that you wish to dedicate your life to the improvement or service of India? Never assume that the words of Mark Twain can successfully establish that for you. You have to establish that personal interest yourself.

As the name of the essay goes, this is a personal statement. So you should concentrate on discussing the personal connection, roots, or interests that brought you to the conclusion that this is the career path you should choose. The information about your areas of study, research work, and others are best left to your statement of purpose, which will be one of the essays that you will be writing for MS school application. Right now, the essay to show the growth of your commitment to this objective of yours and why you feel that it will be a life goal fulfillment for you.

Undergraduate / Written introduction to my narrated slideshow - hobbies, why school, key to success, learning style [2]

Hi Catherine. It's lovely to meet you. Your slide show introduction should work very well for you. It is informative and allows the instructor and your classmates to learn the most basic information about you that should help you all get along well. Will you be using any pictures of yourself and your family in this slideshow or is the narrative the slideshow? I am not really sure what it is you would want us to review in your work since it seems to precise and complete at the moment. Although, maybe you can inform the class about the kinds of small businesses you have interacted with already and why you were inspired to help them by becoming an accountant. That seems to be the focal point of your presentation. Can you tell us what exactly you need us to review for you?

Like I said, the essay is fine. Have you practiced the timing on your presentation? I know that each student is allotted only a specific amount of time to present the slides. So make sure that you practice the presentation before your class. If possible, make yourself more friendly by encouraging your classmates to get to know you outside the classroom. Offer to answer any questions they might have about you after the presentation. That should help to further break the ice with them on your first day of school. Best of luck on your first day!

Graduate / Duke-a list of '25 Random Things About Yourself.' [4]

Sounds to me like you really poured your heart into revising the 25 random things about you. However, I only read 24 facts. Where is the 25th? I'd really like to know what it was and if it needs any more polishing before you use it. So far, the whole list sounds very informative and doesn't leave stone unturned in terms of presenting your character, personal traits, and special abilities to the reviewer. Needless to say, you did a very good job with this.

All that is left for you to do is review the essay one more time and make sure that these are actually the 25 things you want the reviewer to know about you. I noticed that you changed some of the content in the list from the original. So you had some uncertainty regarding what you had written about yourself at a certain point of the revision process. Make sure that you are comfortable with this list of information before you hit the submit button. If there is anything you are not sure you want the reviewer to know about you, now is the best time to change it. You can't take it back once you submit it. Remember that.

if I were to change one piece of information in this essay, it would be the reference to the 2008 financial crisis. That topic sounds more like something that belongs to a full discussion common app prompt than a simple presentation of information about you. Frankly, I don't understand why the stress of the family financial situation got to you. As a child, your job is just to study and leave the financial concerns to your parents for as long as you are not being asked to help ease the financial burden. So that factoid seems to be hanging and is not self explanatory. You didn't really explain why the financial crisis weighed down on you as well. Also, that is a bit too personal for the reviewer to know about you. Learn to keep the family and personal aspect of your information a secret. The reviewer just wants general information from you. Not something that should be kept within the family :-)

Writing Feedback / Early education for young children to help them to hone their intellectual and social skills - TOEFL [3]

Nour in an actual test, your essay will most likely not get a passing score because you did not provide the full prompt requirements. While the essay did as you for your point of view in relation to which side you support, it also asked you to discuss both views prior to your giving your personal opinion.

While you did give a complete discussion of the side that you support, you did not provide any information as to why you oppose the side that supports the idea that children should be allowed to play instead of study. The essay that you should have written was supposed to be a comparison - contrasting essay, with your personal opinion giving mere weight and deference to the side that you believe to be true. The lack of the opposing argument discussion weakened the score of this essay tremendously in the process.

Aside from that, you also mentioned in your defense that there was some sort of research conducted on the topic. When you refer to any factual information, such as mentioning research, make sure that you can recall the name of the research and its topic without having to do an internet research. Just like any other paper, quoted information carries more weight that hearsay. By only saying that there was research but not mentioning what kind of research it was and who conducted it, the information becomes hearsay and invalid. Thus further lowering your final score.

Since the problem of this essay is in its information presentation, the grammar issues are not even an important problem in this case. When your discussion is faulty, your essay will automatically get the lowest possible marks. Regardless of the way that you write in English because your inability to properly discuss the prompt requirements proves that you are not capable of understanding nor following instructions in English.

Don't focus only on one aspect of the essay prompt. Always refer back to it as you write so that you do not miss or make a mistake in the implementation of the instructions. Your scores depend on it.

Scholarship / 'nightly struggle to read stories' - this essay aims to describe myself the best way possible [2]

Cut the opening paragraph out, it doesn't say what it needs to say about you. Regardless of the sentiment it involves. You are not trying to show off your English writing skills here. You are trying to answer the question well enough to be considered for admission. Start with the paragraph discussing your academic years and how you were ridiculed for the way that you struggled with English words. That whole paragraph works very well to show the development of your character in this instance.

Then start a paragraph right after the sentence about the books that you read. Expand upon the discussion of how you overcame this seemingly insurmountable obstacle in your life. Aside from reading books, what else did you do? Did your relationship with your classmates improve over time? How did you manage to end the ridiculing? Convey the kind of character that you developed over time in order to make your life at school more bearable. Show us your strength of character, sense of commitment to a task, and your ability to overcome adversity. Those are the best character traits that can respond to the prompt you were given :-)

Scholarship / Tightly packed responses; career impact, influential person, six qualities and leadership [5]

When writing a response that is less than 250 words in allowance, just respond to the question directly. There is no need for an introduction. That is what is constantly increasing your word count. You don't need the beginning of all of your responses. You just need to get to the point from the first sentence. Just offer up the immediate response and stop trying to set it up first. The set ups only work in full length essays of at least 250 words. That is not the case for your questions now.

For the first question, go directly to the inspiration that Capt Sully was for you. Relate your idea of being a selfless person and a hero to his experience of landing that plane and how it made you feel and think about becoming an aviator for a profession. There is no need to explain why you feel like flying is a magical state of being. That doesn't relate to the prompt. Remember what I always tell you, never deviate from the prompt requirements. That is where all the writing problems start.

Your second response, about your mother being your inspirational figure, is a good one. You have used an example that carries a personal connection for you and therefore, exemplifies the kind of person you should aspire to be, regardless of what you have or do not have in life. Good work on that one. If you remove the reference to your mother losing her job and having to take another job to make the rent, you will focus on her solely becoming your inspiration through her biggest drawback. That will bring it down to 98 words.

Your response to the question about human qualities is totally wrong. You can only pick from the six choices you were given. None of which include self-respect as a discussion. Since you did not pick the correct response for the prompt, you know what is going to happen to that response right? Exactly. So write a response based on one of the six choices that will make your response count instead of ignored.

The same goes for your response to the leadership question. The response is asking you to represent an instance of "solo not "group" leadership. Therefore, the response related to Hurricane Sandy is not as valid as it should be. Pick an instance when you had to lead a group on your own. When you were fully in charge without anyone to consult. What problems did you face and how did you make your decisions? Showcase your ability to think under pressure and react in a way that fits the situation. Kind of like how Sully had to show leadership when his plane had to make that emergency landing. Do you get my point?

Scholarship / My 250 word essay on why I believe that I should be awarded a certain scholarship [5]

Dalton, your first paragraph is a waste of valuable word count. It does nothing to advance the idea of your need or desire for this particular scholarship. With only 250 words, every word you type should matter towards considering you for the scholarship. That said, the second paragraph will be most effective at gaining the attention of the scholarship committee. However, you never really explain you need the scholarship or why this scholarship matters to you.

Use the next two paragraphs the develop the idea that (1.) you have exhausted all other means of financing , including student loans, but none will allow you to continue working to help support your family while you study. Hence the need for a scholarship. Then talk about (2.) Why you opted for this scholarship and how you see yourself benefiting from such a grant. Where will you use the money? How do you plan to advance the goals of the scholarship fund as a scholar student? In the end, how do you see yourself paying it forward after they help you out with your studies?

Basically, if you delete the first paragraph in total, then revise the way that you wrote the last 2 paragraphs, you should be able to come up with enough of a free word count to discuss the more important elements that I have pointed out above. I believe you have the potential to get this scholarship, but you need to make sure that you turn in a stellar response to this question first.

Undergraduate / Science vs art head vs heart---Main essay [8]

I know that you would like to use your original essay as much as possible but due to the time constraint, I felt it best to simply write a new essay for you that would quickly cover the salient points of your original essay and be ready for submission within the hour. Don't change anything nor add any information to the essay I am posting below. If you want to meet your deadline, use the essay I developed for you in its entirety. This is the only way that I could think of to help you out. I am sure it will work for you :-) Here is the essay I developed.

I grew up with a keen interest in Math. I was surrounded by it as a child so entering into a college course that would eventually lead me into a specific Math field was a forgone conclusion for me. That is until I discovered the world of Liberal Arts through my interest in film. From a desire to simply improve my English language skills, I found myself becoming immersed in a world where my creativity and imagination could take flight in a way that Math would never allow. What I once saw as impractical and useless, I now saw as a world of opportunities and possibilities that my imagination never before thought possible.

The film that really opened me up to the possibility of taking a Liberal Arts major was the movie Titanic. The movie to me, was art in motion, poetry on a more conscious level, and a commentary about the early divisive life of man that I could never have learned in school. It was art through CGI and the story, almost mythological because of the enigma that is the Titanic. All elements worked together in order to create a bigger picture and a complete narrative based on historical accounts. There is absolutely no way that Math can ever do that. This was the reason why I found my interests slowly but surely shifting from Math to Liberal Arts.

Titanic was the reason that I decided to join a micro movie making competition in Jinggang. Though basic in approach, this was the confirmation that I needed to lead me towards a career in film making and Liberal Arts. I directed my first mini film and found myself hooked on the film making process. It wasn't an easy task for a newbie like me. I knew nothing about film making but managed to pull off the project just through sheer dedication to the craft and a desire to succeed in my undertaking. My imagination came to life through the simple script and the movie took on a life of its own as I shot the scenes that completed the film.

It was during this process that I came to realize how different the art of film making and the study of Liberal Arts are driven by something totally different from the Math subjects I had always been interested in previously. Math was all about the head. While art, is all about the heart. However, while I was editing the film, I came to realize that Math actually had a place in my new found field. Art created the scene while math, perfected the film through editing. Coming to this realization, I came to the conclusion that throughout my college career, I will be sure to keep my rational brain working in sync with my artsy heart.

Undergraduate / Science vs art head vs heart---Main essay [8]

Give me the first prompt and I'll try to edit this essay to make it work for you. The essay that you wrote doesn't work for the purpose that you want. The juxtaposition is not effective. You should have just narrated how your interest in liberal arts developed when you were originally interested in maths.

Just be straightforward in your discussion. If you have the time, just talk directly to the reviewer. don't try to wax poetic if you have only an hour to write and submit the essay. This needs a lot of work. Also, the admissions officer will not have the time to read this tremendously long essay when he can only allot a specific amount of time to read the essays each student submits. Just talk directly about the prompt requirements. Don't waste time.

I'll be waiting for the actual prompt. Maybe I can still help you make sense of this essay in relation to the prompt. We just need to move fast and limit the editing that you have to do. The grammar will not be fixed and polished, but you will have an essay to submit, that I can assure you of.

Undergraduate / Science vs art head vs heart---Main essay [8]

You can't submit this essay in a few hours. It lacks focus, the content is all over the place, and you need to figure out what it is exactly that you want to discuss in this essay. Better yet, what does the prompt want you to discuss? My head is spinning from reading all the varied content that seem to jump from one point to another in every paragraph. So unless you can tell me what you are supposed to be discussing in this essay. I am not sure how I can help you direct it and which parts you can actually delete without affecting the overall content.

Thematically, I think you are trying to discuss how your interest in liberal arts developed? Or is it how you developed a desire to become a filmmaker? You seem to be trying to discuss at least two different topics in this essay, which is further evidence of the lack of focus and outline for your essay discussion. We have at least one whole day of revisions to do on this essay.

Your first paragraph should not even be in this essay because it talks about why you disliked liberal arts. You never gave any inclination that your interest in liberal arts had a chance to change. If you are trying to explain that through Titanic, then you need to create an effective transition paragraph before you present that.

I'll try my best to help you fix this essay but I strongly doubt you can submit this within a few hours. You need to commit to delivering the best possible paper to the reviewer in order to better your chances at admission. This essay could very well prevent that if you rush the revision on it.

Writing Feedback / I would like to know how much band score can I get in IELTS? [2]

Band Score: 5

Sandy,the most important part of any exam essay is the introduction. That is the launching pad of the essay and depicts the most important points that are being considered as part of your final essay grade. You failed to create a proper introduction for your essay. there wa sno clear set up for the topic to be discussed and you only used 2 sentences to create your introduction. If you write less than 3 sentences, your introduction lacks in content and information. It becomes nothing but a word filler in the essay. That is what happened in this case. It was ill developed and did not help to create an impression that you have very good English understanding and writing skills. What is missing in the introduction? We need to read about the extent of your agreement or disagreement to the statement made at the end of the introduction.

When writing in the English language, the default gender for the person is always "He" because America is represented by the image of Uncle Sam. So you don't need to say he/she or him/her in your discussion. Just say "He" and the examiner will know what you mean. When you use the He/She format to discuss, it clutters the page and breaks the concentration of the examiner. Which leads to a confusing read of your essay. Anything that will distract the examiner and force him to refocus his thoughts in order to process what you are trying to say is not going to be good for your score.

By the way, where is your personal opinion in this essay? Somehow I think you are lacking that voice in this version. There should be a paragraph in this essay that starts with "In my opinion..." so that you can properly address your agreement or disagreement with the prompt. It should show up in the introduction first and then have its own, fully developed paragraph either before or leading into the concluding paragraph.

Finally, what do you mean by "So, I pen down"? Restate your opinion clearly. After all, you are concluding the statement at this point. It is already assumed that you presented your opinion earlier in the paper and you will just be summarizing the content of the essay as a part of the concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / Many museums charge for admission while others are free. [2]

Bijal, the opening statement is fine. The main problem that I see in it is that you addressed the prompt requirements and yet missed one point. You were supposed to indicate your personal opinion on the prompt in the development of the introduction. There was a need for you to state your opinion at the beginning because the prompt was asking for it as a part of the restated thesis and discussion development within the essay.

You are also facing a problem when it comes to completing your thought process in the written word. Do you realize that in your first paragraph you claimed that museums should not charge fees "To prevent our ancient art and historical heritage , the museum promoters or committee members should think once on the future consequences of such drastic decisions." Are you saying that you do not believe that our heritage should be preserved for future generations so museums should not be allowed to charge an entrance fee? I am sure that you made a mistake in the development of that sentence. Reconsider it and try to write it again. This time, really think about what you want to say, write it down and then read it again to make sure that you are saying what you really want to say. Misstatements such as the one I mentioned could actually force a failing grade for you in the actual test.

Your discussion as to the defense of charging fees actually works and is based on the facts that museums often use to justify their entrance fee charges. While the grammar needs work, you actually got your point across in an understandable manner. However, your conclusion is a different matter. The presentation of a suggestion that is not warranted since it is not required in the prompt has made your conclusion fail. A conclusion is not the place to be presenting a new idea for discussion. Most specially one that is not a part of the prompt that was given to you. The conclusion should only present a summary of the discussion, summarized facts, and your restated opinion.

By the way, the essay asks you to present your opinion because it was asking what you thought of the idea that charging for museum entrance carries more advantages. You presented both sides of the issue, but you did not really indicate a personal opinion on the matter. That is a paragraph that should contain the words "My opinion" or "I believe" to indicate your voice in the paragraph. None of these paragraphs carry that indication.

By the looks of it, this essay can use some major revision work in terms of content and presentation before the revising of the grammar problems can even be addressed. I hope you can find the time to fix the content problems that I pointed out above. It will help if you do that before we address the much needed grammar correction :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Amount of books purchased in Germany, France, Italy and Austria during 1995 to 2005 [3]

This is one of the better Task 1 essays that I have read today. It has a proper overview statement at the beginning and offers all of the factual information in an analytical manner. There is a clear understanding of the chart provided and you ensured that each factual data presented in the chart made its way into the final summary report. You did a very good job on this essay even though there are some points of revision to be addressed.

... the much money...during THE YEARS OF ... ... dollars WERE USED... seen THE the spending...Germany occured APPEARED as,,, on it in the end of period.

The Germany's amount SPENT... and AS it stood ...Otherwise THEN , in 2003, ...decreased slightly at TO... approximately 83 million. ... THE N next two... rose A RISE in Germany's... it reached a ...

... trendED A growth ...of THE period that WHERE it...

Overall, you have proven to have good English comprehension skills and you have shown a grasp of the written English word. Both of which have lead to a well discussed, although grammatically problematic essay. The grammar problem is not a big issue since you will continue to show improvement in that area as you proceed with these tests.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay: Should dog adoption program be initiated ? [6]

One of the comments you could have made was with regards to the breed of dogs referred to in the study. For example, a Golden Retriever is a boisterous dog that likes to play and could grow to such large sizes that the dog could pose a health hazard to the owner. If a toy dog, such as a Shi Tzu was used, then the statement of the author may have held some merit. The dog type and size has a number of things to do with the health of the owner as well.

On another note, the author should have made representations to show the success rate of these types of programs at other dog shelters. Offering information as to the success of the program there and how many dog owners with varying illnesses adopted and benefited from the presence of dogs in their lives would have made his claims more solid and noteworthy. As it is, having only a single study result does not carry much weight due to the refutable claims the author has made.

I think that you did a pretty good job on the essay even without my additional notes regarding the possibility of improving your observations of the study. Save for a few problems with your original work, it really did work well as an analytical essay based upon the information you were given. I hope to see your continued improvement in your forthcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / Technology has made people even more anti-social. Do you agree? [3]

Neha, first and foremost, you cannot open an introductory statement with a question. That does not even pass a restated prompt because a prompt, when properly rephrased, should be addressed in the paragraph as a statement of fact rather than as a question.. So you have to revise that part of the introduction immediately.

You have failed to properly address a response to the prompt because the prompt is asking if you believe that technology has made people antisocial. Instead, you offer up a discussion as to how technology and the existence of gadgets that can be used for everyday practical activities such as slicing, and peeling fruits and vegetables, have made life easier. Where does the anti-social aspect of the discussion fit in that statement of yours? Right off the bat you have managed to fail at the test. The score you would get on this will definitely be 2because you did not discuss the right topic in the essay.

While you managed to somehow veer towards a more related discussion towards the end, it was too late for your essay. An actual examiner will not even read that far because you already failed in the first 2, most important aspects of the essay. That is too bad because your later response was actually somewhat on the mark and could have probably been given passing consideration.

The format of your essay is all wrong. There is no clear introduction or restated prompt, all of the topics are discussed as one paragraph when the requirement is at least 3 paragraphs of 3 sentences minimum each. Overall, this essay would be in serious danger of getting the lowest marks possible in the actual test. The problem of this essay is so bad that there is no point in even trying to correct the grammatical errors in it.

Writing Feedback / The rate of books read at Burnaby Public Library in a period of four year between 2011 and 2014 [3]

Your first two paragraphs lack the mandatory three sentence minimum requirement for essay paragraphs in formal tests. You need to make sure that you accurately present all of the information in the chart and discuss it in a manner befitting the information you are presenting by using the proper number of sentences to discuss it. the lack of sentences depicts a lack of comprehension skills and could result in a lower test score for you. However, you seem to have an understanding of the chart information. So the probleM lies mainly in your ability to create English sentences in the proper manner. I hope that this is a problem which you will be able to conquer over time through the constant practice tests.

...at THE Burnaby ... in OVER a FOUR YEAR period of four year between..., number of bookS ...

... THE women THAT ... after IT hit at ...

...by men WAS... j a steady grew GROWTH... In AT this point... overtook by THE men...read by men growth GREW...

Your essay basically contains just simple grammar problems that can easily be addressed by constant practice and diligent proof-reading before the submission of the essay for grading.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Outokumpu Stock Price in euros between 2006 and 2010 [3]

Please take note of your problems with the capitalization of proper nouns, such as the name of the corporation. All proper nouns, that includes company names, must be written in capital letters for the first letter in every name. Your opening statement fails the 3 sentence minimum criteria for an overview summary and would have lessened the opportunity for you to have gotten a better grade on this test. The same goes for your second paragraph. It lacks information in order to make it sound more logical and authoritative based upon chart information. You also forgot to use numbered facts in a certain part of the essay.

... about REGARDING the stock...Outokumpu c Corporation ... started STARTING from...

...2006, then... highest level to OF ...price OF Outokumpu... until IT reached...

...the fisrt quartal FIRST QUARTER... of 2008 ,the ...highest point in 2006 (WHAT WAS THE FIGURE FOR THE HIGHEST POINT?)... Started STARTING in 2009...

All of these errors could have collectively ensured that you failed the test had you actually taken it. Please note my comments and keep it in mind for your next practice test. I would hate to see you fail.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 Precentage of Tourist to England who Visited Brighton Attractions [2]

You have shown a clear understanding of the chart. The way that you presented the information was complete and accurate although it needed some help to clarify certain points grammatically. The potential for you to become more fluid in your thoughts and written English skills are evident.

... for THE Brighton attractions... is ARE compared...that visited BY VISITING the...

...to THE Pavilion...by A steady... end of period... to THE Art...AT just around...and WAS followed by A ...at TO around...

...visitors to THE Festival... that WHICH WAS the highest...30 year PERIOD...and finally over ... to THE Pier...that WAS the... to THE Pier...

Practice makes perfect. Just remember to to use connecting words whenever necessary and proof-read the essay to make sure that you do not have any excess and unnecessary words in the response. Those could alter the meaning and content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The lines for Pavilion show a significant growth. Tourists in Brighton during the years of 1980-2010 [3]

The strength of your essay lies in your clear understanding of the chart. You were able to present the discussion / report in a knowlegable manner that hinted at a clear understanding of the prompt. This proves your ability to comprehend the visual aid and the meaning of the chart. You have done very well in expressing your interpretation of the chart information. It is clear and understandable. However, there are grammar concerns to consider. the concerns are as follows:

...who visited b Brighton ...the period OF... depicted by IN the ... for A pavilion... while THE festival...for THE pier...

THE Pavilion and... at A fairly ...for THE pavilion... reached A peak... 15 years ,experienced...pattern for THE festival...end of THE period...

...THE art gallery...experienced THE same...at THE starting...for THE pier... ...in AT the end...for THE art...steadily declineD...in AT the end...of THE pier.....surpassing SURPASSED THE art gallery...

Please take note of your problem with connecting words and tense usage. Overall though, this was a well developed and discussed essay.

Undergraduate / I was assured that it would be one of the best options for me. Lafayette College Supplemental Essay [2]

Angel, your second paragraph is most powerful reason that you have chosen Lafayette University for your future education. So make that the focal point of the essay. Bring up the discussion and highlight the way that the university will allow you to enroll in your pre-vet subjects without the pressure of pre-vet school. Take away the questions that you have at the end. You never end an academic paper with a question, much less two questions. That comes across as arrogant to the reviewer.

Once you switch around the essay to close with the alumnae emails you will end up with a much more informative and stable essay response. You also manage to offer up an image of yourself as both an academic and social person who knows how to balance the demands of academics with the logic of real life. The last sentence of that paragraph also offers a stronger, most positive, and self-assured note. It is highly effective as the concluding sentence.

Graduate / I am an experienced software engineer - apply for ANU master degree, self- statement [10]

After we get into some grammar revision, this essay should be good to go. That is unless you have a word count to accommodate? Let me know. Here are the revisions:

... changeable constantly changing ,and fast-paced and...
... exotic ideas ARE generated ...
... The F future...

Quick question, What is Hadoop? How does it relate to your previous statement? You need to create a transition sentence to prepare the reader for the change in subject in the next paragraph. I got a bit lost as to where you suddenly headed back there. The transition sentences are really important in those types of situations. If you can explain the concept of Hadoop and its importance to your future studies, I can probably help you shorten that paragraph. It is running a bit long and the information needs to be shortened. Keep the ball rolling. Don't slow down.

ANU owns employs numerous...
...of distinguished...
growth in OF economics...
...me WITH an opportunity...
... cultural backgroundS...
... a cultivateD person...

Referring TO my...
Despite BECAUSE OF this...
...the most of the...

Let's work on these changes first and then prepare the essay for finalization and submission ok? :-)

Undergraduate / Describe a problem, possibly related to your area of study, which you would like to solve. [3]

Aside from the grammar problems that the essay has, which I will be helping to address later in this review, you have developed a very personal response to a problem that plagues a nation. This has become a much better essay because of your approach. It shows that you are a selfless person who is concerned about the national, rather than individual effects of a shared problem. Good work. Now, about the grammar problems...

...poverty, Drought, Famine, drought and famine...
... and so on . h However...
... to fix BY implementing...

...have no ANY other...
... addition to that,...
... impacted mine MY

I plan to edify EDUCATE...

...me WITH the...

By the way, please divide the essay into paragraphs representing each prompt question so that it will be easier for the admissions officer to read.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - The Share Price of Outokumpu Companies from January 2006 to December 2010 [4]

Mochtar, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A description of ... The values are measured ... Overall, the aforementioned...

The first body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

The first half period... price in 2006. Then continued to rise... In the following...

Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

Regarding the second... of 2008 and 2009. The figures subsequently jumped... Notwithstanding some fluctuations...

You also have to address the lack of a conclusion in your essay. You need to figure out how to develop 3 sentences that will properly close your report review.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - MONEY SPENT ON BOOKS IN FOUR EUROPEAN COUNTRIES [2]

Muhammad, your report overview is incomplete. You need to divide your information into 3 sentences otherwise your introduction will not fall under the acceptable parameters of the essay test. You should have at least 3 sentences, with a maximum of five, based upon the provided information in the introduction. So your introduction is unacceptable at this point.

Your whole essay suffers from a formatting problem. If you look at the examples of the IELTS Writing Task 1 examples here, you will see that all of the essays are divided into at least 3 paragraphs with each paragraph discussing a different aspect of the chart. You have failed to do that. Since you are presenting only one solid paragraph to the examiner, this response will be seen more as a statement rather than a summary report of the provided information. Your work will not get a passing grade in the actual test if you opt to use this format.

While you do have grammatical problems in the essay, the major problem it has is in the formatting so I want you to concentrate on fixing the format before we address the grammar issues. It is useless to fix the grammar if the essay will fail due to formatting and content problems.

Letters / A letter to my 45 years old self [2]

Pan, the assumption of the letter to your 45 year old self is that you have already achieved all of these ambitions and dreams. Your letter is supposed to remind of of how far you had to go to get to your goal. It is not a letter that should be composed of "I will" but rather, "I have, connoting that you have accomplished all of these dreams, ambitions, and goals by the time you reach the age of 45. Or maybe you haven't reached your goals. So what then?

This is supposed to be a personal discussion with your future self. It is not a representation of the state of your country, the needs of your country, and the way that your life should solely revolve around your country. Instead, it should reflect your dreams and ambitions for yourself. For example, you can ask yourself how your plans to become president have become. Are you at least a notable senator well on your way to becoming your party's candidate for president? Maybe your plans have changed and you decided not to become a politician. Give yourself a pep talk. Say it is alright if you changed gears. As long as you are happy with your life at that age.

The idea behind this letter is to help you accept yourself for who you will be in the future. Regardless of your current dreams and aspirations, you have to give yourself a chance to reflect on who you once were and who you have actually become. Your current letter is quite harsh on your future self. It doesn't leave any room for potential failure nor does it offer you a chance to feel good about yourself should you not make it as president.

Be kind to your future self. Inspire the future you to achieve within your limitations and accepting of your changes or shortcomings. Show compassion instead of dictation. Remember that dreams are not based upon reality. so you need to come a bit down to earth in your letter and try to offer realistic advice to your future self. Whether your dream to become president of Myanmar or not, remind yourself to love and care for yourself just the same.

Writing Feedback / A comparison in the level of the readers at the Burnaby library from 2011 to 2014 based on gender [3]

... illustrates A comparison in the level of the readerS at THE Burnaby public
... based on (sexes) GENDER.
...over the period (as a whole) the figure of readerS increased significantly.

Female reader levelS stood at (fairly) 5000 in 2011.
...considerably (for) OVER the next two years and (reaching the peak of) PEAKED AT approximately ...
However, (they) THERE WAS A SUDDEN jump (suddenly only) TO 8000 which were almost (2 times) TWICE than...

(At 2,500, the) THE male readerS figure stood AT 2,500 in 2011.
(They) THE FIGURES rose gradually ...
... which (made distance more far with another reader) REFLECTED A MARKED DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE READERS.
...the number was as same as the female readerS number.
It overtook THE female readerS in 2014 and reached (the) A peak of approximately 15,000.
...six times MORE than the first year.

* The parts in the parenthesis are to be deleted and replaced.

Graduate / I realized that a career as an accountant would be a wonderful fit for me. W&M MAcc Admission Essay [6]

Chris, make sure that you never have a prompt deviation in your essays. Most specially in the opening statement. In this case, you deviated from the prompt by using it to indicate your choice of William and Mary for your masters degree studies. You should never discuss any topic that is not being asked for in the prompt. Just provide the admissions officer with the required prompt responses and stop wasting time. Go direct to the point by immediately indicating what you hope to achieve as a student there.

In the middle of your essay you make reference to what you will be doing when you are not in class or studying, that is the wrong approach to take. You are talking about an assistanship program being offered by the university that you wish to participate in. Drop the reference to doing this when you are not in class or studying because this program is still part of your educational process and is part of your goal, objective, or desire to participate in as a student at the university. This is still part of your achievement goals as a student and should be represented as such.

Your conclusion is misplaced. never assume that you can talk for a group of people, no matter how close you regard them as friends. the essay is not meant to be a collective representation of your applications but rather, the reflection of your sole goals as a student at the university. Reevaluate the content of your conclusion and rephrase it to signify only your personal opinion.

Graduate / Unexpectedly great presentation - PTCAS: I AM APPLYING FOR A DOCTORATE IN Physical Therapy [2]

Before you launch into a discussion of your problem based experience, you need to write up a proper introduction to the topic first. The current essay is quite abrupt in introduction and has a tendency to overwhelm the reader with the amount of discussion that you have involved. Had this essay been properly spaced for paragraphs, you will have noticed how long it runs and that you need to edit the narrative for content.

For the introduction, ease the reader into the essay. Make sure that you restate the thesis prompt at the start as a part of your introduction to the story. Say something along the lines of :

"I have always had an inclination for the problem based curriculum that medical courses provide. Be it as a Biochemist in a laboratory setting or as a physical therapist, I have always thrived on the adrenaline rush that these problem based situations provide. My first realization that I was more than capable of performing far beyond the ability of my peers in a problem based environment was when I participated in the..."

Please don't forget to fill in the blanks after the "participated in" ellipses because in your current essay, you do not set up the scene for where the story you are relating is taking place. The discussion is too technical and responds to the prompt. However, if the reviewer does not know when, where, and why this situation was taking place, the narration will not properly reflect the prompt requirements.

Basically, you just have to adjust the introduction and the rest of the essay will fall into place, needing only some editing pertaining to your possible word count limitations.

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay: Should dog adoption program be initiated ? [6]

Vishal, you have a habit of using the term "etc." in the essay. You should refrain for using the term in an analytical essay because, while the word implies "and more information", it gives your essay a sense of weakness. The use of the term makes it sound like you were in a hurry to write the sentences and did not have the intention of properly wrapping up the sentence / paragraph. As long as you have provided at least 2 concrete examples in the sentence, you do not really have to use "etc." 2 examples in a properly concluded sentence has more impact in terms of your point of view when compared to sentences that end on a word filler like "etc."

With regards to your conclusion. It was fine at the start and stuck to the proper format of a GRE essay. However, you offered a personal opinion at the end when you said "Additionally another study could have been conducted...". As you know, a GRE should contain only a review of the facts provided. It is supposed to showcase you analytical writing and critical thinking skills , argument discussion, and your ability to discuss the topic based upon the information presented. You are not required to offer a personal opinion on the issue. So by adding the aforementioned information, you disregarded the rules and as such, may have affected the final grade of your essay.