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Posts by nuradiapuspa
Name: Nuradia Puspawati
Joined: Feb 7, 2017
Last Post: Nov 22, 2018
Threads: 11
Posts: 25  

From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Indonesia

Displayed posts: 36
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nuradiapuspa   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills [4]

Preparing young people for leadership



Prompt:
"The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition."

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

My essay :

There are many ways in preparing young people for having a leadership skill that will be beneficial in their future career paths. Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition. However, there is an argument that competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills. I personally believe that the combination of cooperation and competition sense should be the important things in emphasizing a leaders' charachter in every individual.

It is undeniable that a competition is a good thing for student, and it has obviously been applied in school. For example, there is a rank system that will encourage students to get a higher score than their friends. In addition, there are also many competition in extracurricular activities, such as in sports or games. By training youth with competition, they will be encouraged to focus on achieving their goals and forcing themselves to get the best result. These are definitely one of the important aspects that the leaders should have. In workplace, they will have a willingness to work, not only work, but achieve the best things that will be beneficial to their institutions.

Absolutely, the competition is not a single thing that determine people to be success. They also should have an ability to work in team. None can do such a lot of works in gaining the highest goals by her/himself alone. A great work will be successfully achieved when there is a great work team behind it. Therefore, every single individual should have a sense of cooperation, beside their competitive trait.

By combining both competition and cooperation, everyone is able to be a competent leader and give a greater benefit for their institutions. Those two abilities are definitely thaught in school, but should be keep maintained by a single individual when they want to achieve a success life in their career paths.
nuradiapuspa   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 ielts. Teenage crime issue. 'Why an how' essay. [5]

Dear @sillyman2000

I am quite impressed with the wide range of vocabulary that you used in this essay, however there are some confusion with your sentence. For example:

If I were you, I prefer to write "... parents can create a joyful activities with their children in the weekend, for example by going for a picnic or going to restaurant together."

teachers can propagate to ... not to do
the propagandas from teachers.

What do propagate and propaganda mean? I think you can choose a better word for this context, such as guidance/advice/etc

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Nov 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on environmental laws - waste recycling [4]

Dear @Tunanut,

I have a few comments for your essay. Hopefully it helps.

Firstly, I think you should clearly state what your opinion is. If you argue that law is not the only way, you better mention what is the best way in your opinion in the first paragraph. On your essay, I think you still write the abstract thing by said that people could take further actions without mention what the actions are.

Secondly, in conclusion, i think you don't need to write "maybe", this indicates that you are not confidently stand in your opinion.

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ho I solve a problem - release my emotion first, then find out what is the main cause of the problem [4]

TOEFL iBT Task 2: What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? Use specific details to support your response.

My approach to problem solving



Every single individual must have a problem in his/her life. As I grow up, the problems are becoming more complex, and I am pushed to be wiser in looking for the solutions. I believe that solving a problem is one of the maturity process in life cycle. In this essay I will share on how I try to solve any problems I have faced.

Sometimes I got panicked easily when a problem suddenly comes to my life. In the beginning, I could not hold my tears not to fall. However, I realized that it was one of ways to release my emotion. Having emotion-released, I usually took a deep breath and try to think clearer. In the process of problem-solving, I have to know first what is the problem and what is the main cause of that issue. For example, if I fail on my examination grade which is far enough from the minimum standard from university, I have to figure out why this could happened. Is it because of my fallacious understanding of the subject, or is it because of the invalid questions of the test. When I arrived at the main cause, then I can turn to concrete solutions. If I have a wrong understanding, requesting an additional discussion with a lecturer might be a best solution to be applied.

On the process of problem solving, I should also assess whether I could find the solution by myself or I need other's assistance. Some problems might be a personal thing that should be kept privately. Meanwhile, there are problems that we could not afford to keep it by ourselves. In this latter issue, I prefer to consult with another people who I trust the most. For example, when I have a relationship problem, I would like to ask my bestfriend or my sister to help me find the way to solve the issue. In my opinion, some helps are also able to keep our mental clarity.

In conclusion, in solving the problem, I would like to release my emotion first, then find out what is the main cause of the problem. Therefore, we could find the best solution to solve any problems that come to our life. It is also good to ask help from the trusted people in finding the solution.

Word count : 384
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 22, 2018
Writing Feedback / Government should control our lives and cities - IELTS essay!! [3]

Dear @BaoBaoHG,

I think you need to include the prompt of this essay so others could give the advices and comments properly.
However, in paragraph 3, I think that you need to explain more what government should do regarding the issues you have mentioned, perhaps something related to law or policy.

Best of luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / The place that I recommend in Taiwan [4]

Dear @yiyunm6,

In describing a place, we need to encourage readers to feel the same as ours. As a reader, I need to know how the detail I can see at Mountain Jade. Is there any mountains in the surrounding? Or what kind of trees or flowers I can see on the top of the mountain? How about the weather? Can I see a clear blue sky from there? and so many other questions that can help you describe the place in a better way.

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / Online courses as an alternative to classes delivered on campus - Ielts2 [3]

Dear @QuyenPham,

I have a few advices to your essay. Hope it helps.

I only get a 6.5 score in writing, and if I were you, I prefer to organize this kind of prompt by this way:

Paragraph 1 : introduction (the debate on positive and negative side of online courses in public) + my opinion
Paragraph 2 : body paragraph --> explain the argument that opposite with mine
Paragraph 3 : body paragraph --> explain my opinion, strengthen with some examples
Paragraph 4 : Conclusion

With that organization, I think I am able to give a full construction of ideas that strengthen my standing point.
In the last paragraph, you also have to build a solid conclusion that should be more than 2 sentences.

Best of luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / There is a different approach on how the organization gives promotion to their employees. [3]

TOEFL iBT Task 2:
In some organization, promotions are based on seniority, while in other organizations, promotions are based on performance. Discuss the advantages of each position. Then indicate which position you think is the best and why.

***

Promotion in Organization



There is a different approach on how the organization gives promotion to their employees. Some organizations determine based on seniority, while others prefer on performance. Each of these approaches have their own advantages and in my opinion, the best position depends on the organization's characters.

In seniority approach, the organization will assess the employees based on experience and period that they have served for the organization. Those will bring some advantages to the organization since the employees will be motivated to give their best role in longer time. For example, the public servant will be promoted when they have reached some years of their works. Therefore, they will stay in the institution to get a promotion until they are retired. Despite, this kind of organization should anticipate if their employees are lack of motivation since they are not to be competitive enough with others.

A little bit different with the seniority way, performance-based promotion will create a competitive atmosphere in the organization. This kind of situation will definitely drive the organization to an innovative, progressive, and fast-growing institution. The employees might be motivated to show their best efforts to the organization. The example of this organization is profit-sectors, such as private organizations. Since the employee will also seek for the competitive salary too, they will always look for the demanding wages from other organization. The institution should be aware about this issue and wise in giving compensation for their workers.

In my opinion, to decide the best approach in promoting the employees in workplaces is by knowing the character of the organization. It is totally depends on the organization's needs. If the organization has a regular target and needs the experienced employees, then the seniority way might be the best to give promotion. However, when the organization needs for the profit and compete with others, hence the performance-based could be the best way to be applied.

Word Count: 317
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / Motor use. Problems and solutions. IELTS task 2 [3]

Dear @sillyman2000,

I think in this kind of essay, you need to write properly the reasons completed with proper examples. In paragraph 3, perhaps you can organize your paragraph by writing

reason1, example/s1, reason2, example/s2.

Best of lucks!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 15, 2018
Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to live in horizontal cities, while others choose a high-rise buildings [3]

Dear @leanh,

In my opinion, I feel confuse with the idea of your essay. For example in the paragraph 2, you explained about horizontal city but the example you provided is still lil bit abstract. Perhaps you could give an example of the horizontal living such as in a village or rural area, etc. In addition, I think it is not good to write "in the fact that" in the beginning of a paragraph.

Best of luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 5, 2018
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL iBT Task 2]: Independency for young adults [4]

Dear @Holt,

Thank you so much for your comments and advices that have contibuted to my improvement in writing.
Yes, true, actually it's quite challenging since the task 2 of TOEFL iBT requires minimum of 300 words, so I kind of push myself to write everything in the remain time.

Is it ok if I only write 275 words?
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 4, 2018
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL iBT Task 2]: Independency for young adults [4]

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

some youngsters want to be independent from their families



Some people believe that they need to live independently when they turned to be a young adult. However, others argue that a young adult should live longer with their parents. Personally, I prefer the former idea for some reasons.

Firstly, by having an independency, people who are turning to be an adult will sharpen some skills. In any occasion, they have to be able to make a decision by theirselves. With this full consciousness, they will be trained in preparing them to the next phase of life. For example, when I was in Senior High Scool, I had been living far apart from my family. In the first time, I experienced some difficulties from small things until the greater problems. I was aware that it was not an easy process, but eventually, I found myself became a better person who have an ability to live independently and make a decision confidently.

Another benefit that the situation will bring to the young adults who try to live independently is to develop their responsibility. After they can make a decision by theirselves, they have to be aware of all risks from every decision they have made. This will drive them to responsible for every acts they have done. For instance, when they should choose between study or go to part time job, while the exam is waiting for them tomorrow, they have to make decision carefully and become responsible for every risks ahead.

I maintain that the young adults still need more advices and guidances from their parents. However, the way on training them to live independetly will give them space to grow maturely. Parents could guard continuously their children that not-so-little anymore, but in a more independent way; by giving their children a freedom to choose and remind them all the risks they will have.

Word count : 304
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 4, 2018
Writing Feedback / Ielts aging population topic - the average life expectancy is increasing [3]

Dear @lanvt2811,

in addressing this prompt, you need to clearly state your opinion in first paragraph so that the examiner will easily follow your ideas. You also need to make a paraphrase from the prompt.

This is one of potential ways to develop your essay:

Paragraph 1. Introduction (including your position)
Paragraph 2. Main point 1 (your first reason), example
Paragraph 3. Main point 2 (your second reason), example
Paragraph 4. Main point 3 (your third reason or argument to another side), example
Paragraph 5. Conclusion

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Oct 4, 2018
Writing Feedback / The arguments for or against the freedom of information in science and academic world [3]

Dear @ZOU,
I have some comments to your writing.

First, in addressing this prompt, you should clearly state your opinion, on what extent do you agree/disagree. Then write your opinion on both views. You can give your opinion right after paraphrasing the prompt in first paragraph, so that the examiner will easily get your point of view.

Second, there are many errors in your essay, such as:

..., others people think that there are some situations that should be limited

This is just for example. You can check your grammar first, do not practice in a rush.

Best of luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 24, 2018
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL IBT: Task 2] Compare yourself today and yourself five years ago [4]

Compare yourself today and yourself five years ago. In what ways are you the same or different? Use specific examples to support your response.

I have become a different person



It is undoubtedly that people always grow up as the time goes by. People change not only in physic, but also in maturity and on how they live their life. Iam well aware that I also have experienced a big change in my life in these past years. I certainly understand that I am today is significantly different compared to myself five years ago.

There are some changes that I am mindful it has happened to my life. Firstly, I am older than I am five years ago, hence I become more mature in facing my life today. Turning to be an adult means that I have a more complex problem. For example, after graduated from university, I turned to work life that needed ability to solve the issue by myself in the first place. There is a totally different situation between myself as a student and myself as an employee. However, in this kind of situtation, I believe that this phase is a great opprtunity to learn more and to find my bigger dreams afterwards.

The second change that significantly happened in my life is that today I have my own-source of financial. Currently, I have a job since I graduated from university. Therefore, I am able to have monthly savings and support my family, giving back to them whom have supported my life until I finished my school. Moreover, there are many hobbies that I afford to do such as traveling and photography. In the other side, I am mindful that the more I received , the more responsibility I have. Therefore, I always plan my expenditures and give the priority to the savings.

In conclusion, I am fully aware that I have become a different person than I am five years ago. Turning to be adult means that people have more problems and more responsibilty. As the time goes by, people are not only growing up, but also learning to be a better person.
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 24, 2018
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 in IELTS (the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010) [5]

Dear @bovalenca

In develop paragraph, you should at least write 3 sentences. This is the organization that on of potential ways to write your essay:

Paragraph 1 : introduction + overall statement
Paragraph 2 : explain the figure of farming, fishing, and foresting
Paragraph 3 : explain another amount

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 24, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Increasing tourism for inhabitants, environment and economy [3]

Dear @Tan0295,

You need to post the complete prompt, so that we can comment your essay in proper way.

In the IELTS Task 2, in paragraph one, you should give introduction sentence and then it is better if you clearly state your position/argument, do you agree or disagree.

Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / [GRE : Argument] Adams Realty or Fitch Realty - which from those real estates companies are better? [3]

Comparison of two leading real estate firms in the town



The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town-Adams Realty and Fitch Realty-Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

***

The argument regarding the best real estate firm is relying on three questionable assumptions that undermine its validity. First, the argument suggests that Adams Realty has the biggest profit. Second, it implies that Fitch Realty has slower marketing than Adams. Finally, it presupposes that Adams Realty is considerable as superior firms based on the amount and working time of its employees.

The argument, first of all, suggests without proof that Adams Realty has the biggest profit based on its revenue. The data is not very clear because the homeowner has not mentioned the manufacturing costs of the two companies. There is a possibilty that Adams charges being much more than those on Fitch's. For example, Adams has more agents so it could cost more in employer's salary. Therefore, the argument cannot be concluded without all this information.

Second, the argument assumes without proof, that Fitch Realty spends more time in selling their homes rather than Adams'. But that is biased fact because homeowner compares between Fitch and Adams not in a same period. Ten years in the past could has a big difference today. For example, ten years ago, less people looking for new home through real estate firm. In addition, the homeowner does not clearly mentioned about the detail of the sold homes, such as its location, area, size, etc of two homes.

Finally, the argument implies that the bigger amount and working time of Adams' employees make it a superior firm. However, a successful company is determined by many factors, not only because of its huge employees. When the leaders understand the way to drive their companies in an effective and efficient way, there is no need of copious workers. Moreover, there is no clear information about the qualities and competencies between those two company's agents.

So, the difficulty with the argument, as presented above, is that it makes several unwarranted assumptions. For that reason, the conclusion does not follow logically from the permises.
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 21, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: A lot of Buildings Are Now Being Built With An Open Plan Design [4]

Dear @dimdim02,

I have some comments for your essay, hope it helps. Iam here still learning too.

I think that you need to practice more in writing an effective sentence. I also found several errors in your essay. For example, in the first sentence of your first paragraph:

In this modern era, there are some ...

This sentence is too long and confusing. Make it into two sentences, and watch the grammar. For example:

In this modern era, many buildings (I prefer use this word rather than architectures, or later you can check what's the synonim of building), which are used to work or study, are using an open plan design. I argue that this is because of two main reasons; technology development and environmental reason.

Keep working on your essay. Practice will makes perfect, someone said. Good luck!
nuradiapuspa   
Aug 19, 2018
Writing Feedback / To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities. [3]

[GRE : ISSUE] characteristics of a society



To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

***

A city is considerable as representative of a country or a region. With its complexity due to dense population from various background, a city could describes the characteristic of its country or its region. It is tempting to believe that the characteristic of a society will be comprehensively understood when we conduct a deeper research on its major cities.

Furthermore, all great civilizations have had a flourishing cities. The government/king/queen have been living here. To understand most of its people, the way in which it is ruled, we must understand the city. In addition, cities have most of qualified universities and jobs which contribute to economic aspect and prosperity of society.

With these evidences, it is easy to believe that by studying the city, the characteristic of a society will be easily concluded. However, I argue that how the way society live its life is not as simply as knowing the life of its city. Moreover, in a developed countries, there is a huge inequality of many aspects. For example, Indonesia has a largest archipelago with its huge variation of tribes, cultures, beliefs, etc. The cities in Indonesia only represent few of Indonesian people. The most population have been agricultural, and many rituals can only be understood in the context of a rural backdrop.

So, while there are arguments that city is the best area for studying a society, it is clear that there is a wiser way to put rural background as main aspects in assessing a society, especially for developing or low-income countries.
nuradiapuspa   
Jun 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Electricity Production Change in Australia and France [4]

The pie chart below show units of electricity production by fuel sources in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000

different sources for electricity production in numbers



The pie charts reveal the proportion of electricity produced using five different of fuels in two different countries in 1980 and 2000. Overall, eventough Australia and France increased their production, there were different pattern in the changes of fuel source precentage.

In 1980, Australia produced 100 units of electricity with half of it was come from coal source. That source just over three-quarters of all in 2000 when the country increased it's total production to 170 units. The hydropower source had also risen to 36% troughout the period. France, who produced 90 units of electricity in 1980, rose it's production to be doubled in 2000. The greatest change was in nuclear power source which moved up to approximately 75% of total production. Besides, both two countries experienced a significant decrease in natural gas source production.

Less change was seen in oil source production in Australia which fell slightly by 8%, while in France it rose slightly to 25%. At 5%, hydro power source was the less production in France then in the last period it turned down to only 2%. Coal source production remained unchanged in this country.

Total words : 188




nuradiapuspa   
Jun 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 : Why young executives are stressed at work and the consequences. [4]

Hai @guan721

In first paragaph you should put overview statement which describes the highlight of the graph given.
Then in second paragraph, you can write about the cause of stress that increasing and in the last paragraph write about the decreased one.
You should also make a paragraph which contains of minimum 3 sentences.

Wish us luck :)
nuradiapuspa   
Jun 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The graph below shows the changing trend of the use of modern technology in homes in the UK [5]

Dear @Tung Anh, i'll try to give some corrections and advices that you might find useful..

-For the first paragraph, you can make overview that simply describes the highlight of the graph. For example : "Overall, it can be seen that the improved technologies usage increased over the period given, especially the use of mobile phone which had most significant rise"

-In second paraghraph, you can explain about the rising amount of mobile phone and internet access.-
-The in last paraghrap, you can write the remained, CD player and home computer (which had similar pattern)
You dont need to put conclusion in the last part because you already gave it in the first paragraph (overview)

an a gradual increase over the period of time

Wish us luck :)
nuradiapuspa   
Mar 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / People have different views on dilemma if people successful in a sport should have higher earnings [6]

Successful sport professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

How much money for a sport star?



People have different views about wether people who reach the highest level in any sports could have a higher earnings. While others in some ways argue that it is unfair for people who work in other significant professions. I personally believe that it is fully acceptable if sport professionals get more salaries than average income in society.

There are various reasons why it might be considered that people in other important careers deserve more wages. For instance, there are doctor and scientist who have big and important role in society. They have reliable ability and give huge contribution to others, it is something that athlete can't do. The learning process which bring them to be who they are now is not cheap, hence they should be well-paid of what they give to public.

However, I agree with those who argue that people who are success in any sport professions to get high salaries. These are the reasons. Firstly, a sport professional has proven their ability in sport championship. It could bring the country where the athletes come to the higher level if they join international events. Secondly, a sport team is definitely need more funding for the training, some sport equipments, routin medical check-up, and also highly needed in nutritional food intake. In addition, sport activity seems have more serious risk if the athletes got any accidents. Therefore, they need much insurance to keep them in a guarantee condition.

In conclusion, it seems to me that any professions should be awarded by appropriate wages. Then, for sport professionals, I agree that they are deserve more money on account of what they do and what they need.
nuradiapuspa   
Mar 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / The percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001 [9]

dear @Maitouyen282

Overall your essay is good. I am here is on learning process too. And this is a suggestion from me.
In my humble opinion, you could give variation word to serve the data. For instance, in the last paragraph you could write "in 1984, the number of cinema tickets bought by British decreased almost doubled than in first periode. This was also happened to Australian buyer which moved down by 15 million people.

Hope this helps :)
nuradiapuspa   
Feb 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The main features of Global Water Usage in Brazil and Congo [2]

The graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

water utilization numbers



The line graph shows information about water utilization in three sectors around the world from 1990 to 2000 and measured by kilometer cubic. Overall, it can be seen that water use was increase in all three fields, with agriculture aims had the most significant rise. The water use for agriculture sector stood at about 500 km3 in 1990, then it rose dramatically by around 2500 km3 in 2000. In addition, the water consumption for industrial and domestic aims moved up to 1000 km3 and 200 km3 respectively in the end of period.

The table provides comparison of water use in Brazil and Congo in term of their population size, area of irrigation, and water consumption per person in 2000. Generally, Brazil was at the higher amount among all categories than Congo. Brazil, which had 176 million people, allocated 26.500 km2 of it's area for irrigation land. Moreover, each Brazilian use 359 m3. Congo, which had fewer population than Brazil, managed 100 km2 for irrigated land. Congolese used only 8 m3 of water per person.




nuradiapuspa   
Feb 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / The quantities of goods moved using four kinds of means in the UK between 1974 and 2002 [4]

dear @Abrahamlincoln,

A few corrections from me..

Watch the grammar. In paragraph 1, The line graphs compare the quantities

Then, for the overall statement, i suppose that there is a more appropriate way to write it. If I were you, I will write:
Overall, it can be seen that road, water, and pipeline experienced an increase, while rail had a fluctuative scheme.

Wih you luck :)
nuradiapuspa   
Feb 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / The bar chart indicates the figure of time spent in billions of minutes by UK people on phone calls [8]

Hai @Maitouyen282

These are few corrections from me. Hope it could be helpful :)

1. In paragraph 1, you need to write an 'overall' statement aka the conclusion of the graph. "The comparison of three categories will be shown in next paragraphs" sentence is not appropriate to be written in the essay.

2. Your opinion is restricted to be written. Remember that this is an academic essay. So the sentence "The possible reason for this change is that maybe local telephone's fee became chip" is not needed.

Wish you luck :)
nuradiapuspa   
Feb 14, 2017
Writing Feedback / Minimizing the traffic issue - proposed ways [7]

Topic : The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Trouble with commuting



Nowadays, people who live in cities always facing same trouble when they get outside: a heavy traffic. Some people believe that by decreasing the need for people to go for work, school, shopping, and other activities from their home is the only way to address the issue. However, there are another ways to solve the amount of traffic in more appropriate way.

Mostly people today move from one place to another by using their own car. They go for work, education, or shopping everyday as they willingness to fulfill their responsibility and necessary as well. The world is move fast, so do the people. Then, the way to limit their needs are seem impossible to be done.

I believe there are several ways to decrease the amount of traffic in cities in an effective way. Firstly, government should ensure that public transportations are accessible for everyone. People in cities now might choose their own car to travel because they find that public transportations are less comfortable and spend more time. Therefore, the increasing quality of public transportation should be a concern for leader of cities. Secondly, the government ought to restructure the road system. There might be many small and unaccessible roadway hence contribute to the traffic. Besides, the government could also establish the law aims to rise the tax of cars. The rule is expected to decrease the willingness of people to buy a new car.

To sum up, there are some ways to address the traffic issue in cities. Decreasing the need of people to travel is seem less effective. The government should put more effort in regulate the law that needed to solve the problem.