Writing Feedback / Actors, story, and music - three factors that build up a good movie [2]

Your construction of sentences is decent. I would only say that in terms of structure, you could opt for less complex methods of building up to make your essay more comprehensible. Avoid repetitive language that could make your essay redundant.

For instance, you were constantly repeating that method of creating lists in your first paragraph. Instead of doing this, I would recommend that you go straight to the point. In line with this, I would revise your last sentence as:

However, there are three factors to consider in a movie's quality: actors, story, and music.
What I had done is remove those linking words and instead opted for a colon to indicate that you would be discussing these three things. This method can help you avoid too much usage of commas that can appear to somehow clutter the entirety of your text.

Having said that, the removal of redundant words is key when you want to expound on key ideas for your essay. Especially when you are working with word counts, it is vital to assess and manage your usage of language.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would phrase the second sentence instead as:
Moreover, actors are essential elements in a movie because they convey and express a mood for the audience to experience.
As you can see, I had paraphrased your line and cut down the words through making concise the tone and language. If you can do this through practicing more, it can help you enhance your writing through making more space for your theme. This can as well help you avoid lengthy sentences that drag an essay's quality. This issue is mostly evident in your essay in its body. If you believe that you can omit words and separate thoughts into two different sentences, then opt to do that at all costs.

Apart from this, I would suggest that you watch out for your proper capitalization as well because there were instances wherein you were not able to implement this for proper nouns. Review your grammar handbook on writing.

The overall content of your essay, nonetheless, is quite sufficient especially with the abundance of examples and tones of discussion.
Best of luck to you!

Scholarship / OASIS AUSTRALIAN AWARD SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Your first paragraph was quite baffling considering that the structure was all over the place. You could prevent this through cutting down your sentences into easier to digest portions. I would also recommend that you look into removing words that are redundant in your essay.

For instance, I would revise the second-half of this paragraph into:
This scholarship will help me personally and professionally through gaining leadership, management, and problem-solving skills.
What I had done is ensure that I tried utilizing more concise words into the sentence itself. I had also made certain that you do not use words that are similar in tone or meaning with each other (ie. skills and strategies can both be treated either way therefore it's not necessary to use both). Thistechnique is important especially if you are working with word counts. Even if there's no word count, doing this can enable your essay to have a more natural flow to it.

Most of the mistakes that you had accumulated throughout the essay were because you were attempting to use complex sentences. You can easily avoid this through using simpler structures.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would revise it as:
I always perceived masters to be the first step that would lead to other steps. Having said that, I wish to pursue a doctorate in marketing. I know that through this degree, I will be able to hand-out knowledge to other people in my country.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you expound more about your last paragraph. You were talking about the political difficulties that come with you living in Palestine - and how these interfere with your professional and personal development. You can be as specific as you wish to be.

I would opt that you as well integrate more anecdotes in your essay. By adding more personalized details, you can have a more intimate approach to your application. This is especially important when you are applying for scholarship programs because they want to be able to learn about your aspirations in life and what makes you stand out from other candidates. Showcasing that you are worth the financial investment is definitely imperative.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Plan-cancelling letter to a friend [2]

I would suggest that you revise your opening line.While it is nice that you are being straightforward, I would opt for less formal (not necessarily informal) ways to approach the topic.

For instance, I would recommend revising it into this:
I hope that you are doing well. I am writing to inform you that I can't make it to the theater on Friday night.

Starting your letter with a brief note wishing your friend well. This will enable you to have a friendlier approach to a seemingly monotonous letter. This is especially important when you want to reach out to a friend.

I would watch out for your usage of demonstrative pronouns as well. As I can observe from your essay, you had a tendency to overuse or misuse this particular portion of English grammar. This is a common mistake among ESL learners therefore is forgivable.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would have instead phrased your second sentence as:
My boss assigned me to a business trip on the same day in Danang because the junior employees are not qualified to handle the job.

The following sentence also had a hanging line to it (incoherent and improper linkage of two separate sentences). I would revise it as well into:

This day is extremely important to the company. My boss has even guaranteed a promotion if I could seal the deal.

What I did was separate your sentence into two different ones. Furthermore, I had also ensured that you would opt to use a word aside from business because it was already utilized in the same paragraph. Using synonyms or similar words would be better for the overall flow of your essay because you wouldavoid any form of redundancies that can lead to poorly written work.

I would suggest applying these comments to the rest of the essay as well. As you had committed the same mistake in your following lines.

Best of luck.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Data Science / Informatics School [3]

Great job on your essay. I appreciate your usage of anecdotes to expound on the intent of your application. I think that you will go a long way with this.

I would only recommend that you could expound on why you have chosen this country. You had already cited a few reasons why the university is the best option for you individually. You can add on this through mentioning why the United Kingdom is your option for the program. You may even link your arguments here on what this country has to offer when it comes to your specialization or field. Are there, for instance, companies that you admire that are based in this country that make it better for your professional exposure to the program?

In addition, I would also recommend that you put specific details as to your future aspirations. I know that these are not necessarily mentioned to be requirements when you're still applying for the program (not in the list of questions to be tackled) - but adding these details would enable the evaluators to recognize that you are willing to go above and beyond to be part of their specific program. If you are aiming to be noticed, this will enhance what they know about you. Talk about how their courses and the program itself can help you become better in the field overall. Discuss why you fit into their academic environment.

The more specific and in-depth you are, the better it will be for your chances of being noticed.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Should parents reward their children with money for each good grade from school? [4]

@Funtomas Chen
I suggest that you revise your usage of tenses in the essay.When you are writing down your essay, you should always keep in mind in which particular tense you wish to write it in. For instance, hypothetical essays like this one which play around on what could happen are better written in future tense. Keep this in mind when writing your essay.

Assessing, on the other hand, the content of your essay, I would say that you could create more specific projections about the lives of children. Perhaps you can make a concise comparative on the difference between the future attitude of these children towards money and finances. You can discuss this more in detail by tackling how they differ in terms of handling monetary issues in the future. You can also go in-depth as to why it is important for children to learn these things in the early stages of their life. You had mentioned that there will be a moment in the future that will test them - you can discuss this more by being more specific.

At one point in your essay, you were becoming repetitive as well. I would recommend that you avoid using redundant words to expand your content more substantially.

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose for POSCO ASIA FELLOWSHIP [2]

Your introductory paragraph is lengthy and dragging. You could better this through cutting down your phrasing and ensuring that you are as straightforward as you possibly can be. By doing this, you can relay your messay with more ease to the evaluators. Remember that your goal in these application essays is not necessarily to impress the evaluators with complex language - rather it is to showcase your in-depth intent to join the team.

Having said that, I could revise your first paragraph as:
I am writing with the intent to apply for the POSCO Asia Fellowship 2019. I have a keen interest to study in one of the campuses in South Korea. I believe that this will enrich my current knowledge alongside developing my professional life so that I may contribute to my country.

Notice that I had changed around your usage of preposition that were improperly utilized. I had also ensured that I cut down the sentence into smaller chunks that relays the information easier. Making your content easier to digest is key.

I suggest that you apply this technique to the rest of your essay because it was a common issue that I had found.
Watch out for your usage of punctuation. You also had a tendency to incorporate hanging thoughts into your sentences that do not necessarily fit their overall structure. Furthermore, I would also say that you have to be wary with your placement of the word and.

In terms of the content of your essay, it's quite impressive because of how bold and substantial it is. I do suggest that you create more specific elaborations for your content. What I mean by this is that you should make sure that you talk specifically about what academic institutions you are looking forward to be a part of. Talk about specific parts of South Korea's educational system that makes it better for your program.

For the betterment of the flow of your essay, I would also say that you should incorporate more personal anecdotes about your essay. Make it more personalized through talking briefly about the first time you were into this program - and then what made you realize that you truly wanted to advance in this field. Iwould also recommend that you switch your first and second paragraph to have a smoother introduction.

Best of luck.

Grammar, Usage / Related transaction management process [2]

I would suggest that you incorporate the usage of oxford comma to make your phrasing of the word more formal. I would also watch out for the way that you connect your words together. There were instances wherein you could have opted to use connecting words to have a more complete structure for your sentence.

Say, for instance, I would revise your first point as:
Ensure that related transactions within the group are properly reviewed and approved in accordance with applicable legal and regulatory requirements.
You will notice that I have changed the tense of the verb and, at the same time, also ensured that you do not use punctuation withoutdue cause. Doing this can enhance the structure of your essay to capitalize on its potential meaning.

Writing Feedback / Writing Part 2 - Citizens know little about their neighbors. Reasons and solutions. [3]

@Alicia2019
I think that your essay is impressive on its own. However, I do have a couple of suggestions regarding its technical structure and composition.
Firstly, I would recommend that you make your sentences have simpler structures. What I mean by this is that eliminatingwords that make your sentences complex.

For instance, I would revise the second sentence of your first paragraph as:
This tendency has been encouraged as one of the priorities of the government. Policy-makers are taught to tackle the negative effects of the lack of relationship among city dwellers and their neighbors.

Notice how I removed redundant words - or those words that do not add significant value to the essay's overall flow. If you have words that have similar meanings that are both encapsulated into a single sentence, I would opt to remove one of the words. This is an imperative strategy to learn especially if you are working with word counts such as in IELTS exams. This will help you know how to prioritize your thoughts and structure your sentences in accordance to what is being asked by the essay question.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you look at sentences that you use that have insufficient or hanging thoughts. Take a look at the first sentence of your second paragraph. This is a key example of what I mean. While these sentences are supposedly for creative purposes, you should bear in mind that they also accumulate space. I suggest that you go straight to the point.

For instance, I could revise this as:
The fast-paced lifestyle has led to the diminished spending time given to making acquaintance with neighbors.
Packing all of your thoughts into one concise sentence will enable you to have substantial content without risking a particular style that you want to relay.

In addition, I also suggest that you become more specific in terms of contextualizing your essay. You should be able to provide specific examples. Even if an essay is an impromptu one, think of ones that are generally known or are experienced by a lot of people. Having these canvas or template examples would help you have more content into your narration of the topic.

I also suggest that you answer this question in your conclusion:
Why is it the government's responsibility to promote these initiatives?
I recommend that you apply all these comments to the rest of your essay.Best of luck to you.

Writing Feedback / Unethical and immoral advertising in our daily lives [3]

I would suggest that you simplify your language. This technique is especially useful because it will enable you to have better hold over the word count you are following while still being able to play around with the overall structure. If you can divide a sentence into two separate points, opt to do that rather than attempting to squeeze everything into one point. Doing this can help you minimize as well the possibility of mistakes from making complex sentences. Remember that precision is more important here than anything else.

Avoid having redundant language in your essay too that can just be dumped into your word count.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you use more formal language in your essay to improve its level of professionalism. For instance, instead of mentioning that advertisements are annoying, say that they do not positively contribute to the goals of the company. Restructuring your essay this way can help you write in a more formal manner as well which will be beneficial if you are planning to use your English in formal set-ups.

Watch out for your usage of preposition and hanging sentences or dependent clauses. Review these portions in grammar to ensure that your essay follows a better format.

I would say apply these comments to the other half of your essay - and you will go a long way.
Just keep in mind that you need to optimize the space in your essay. To do this, you need to keep in mind that you do not need a lot of adjectives and modifiers. Going straight to the point to substantiate your essay better goes a long way especially in IELTS exams.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Youth crime, reason and solution [3]

A couple of small revisions on your introductory paragraph:
It is known that the conviction rate among adolescents has been drastically increasing globally. This phenomenon can be attributed to the advancement of internet alongsideits lack of proper guidance -irregardless of the indispensable involvement of the government and parents.

What I did are four key things:
1. Changed all over the world to globally in order to maximize your word count
2. Shifted the phrasing from advanced internet to advancement of internet because it is a continuous phenomenon (not just a point of exit)
3. Changed and into alongside because it is the more appropriate alternative (and is considered as an extension of the phrase whereas placing alongside indicates a somewhat of a simultaneous conflict)

4. Revised the phrasing of the last phrase in the sentence because it can come off as quite confusing
To avoid these issues, I would always tell people that they should focus more on maximizing and optimizing their word count. What I mean by this is what you can focus on looking for shortened alternatives rather than attempting to compress all your words into a single line of thought. By doing this, you are not only doing yourself a favor by not focusing as much on whether or not you have exceeded your word count - rather you are also letting the readers have a breather when it comes to analyzing the content of your essay.

Watch out for your usage of preposition and punctuation as always. Make sure that your placement is where it is appropriate. Simply review your fundamental usage of these particular items.

Apply all of these to the overall structure of your essay.
Best of luck.

Scholarship / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR A MSC IN SUSTAINABLE FOREST AND NATURE MANAGEMENT [3]

May I suggest that you revise your format to focusmore on your personal story?
If I were to structure your essay, it would perhaps look like this:
1. Interest in environmental studies (4th paragraph)
2. Explaining the in-depth issue concerning it (2nd to 3rd paragraph)
3. Self-introduction (1st paragraph)
4. Remarks (5th to last paragraph)
By doing this, you can firstly open more about your personal and innate interests to the program itself. This will hook the evaluators because they will get to know you as an individual who is truly passionate about the program I would also opt that you showcase more the technical know-hows that you have concerning the issue. However, you should also avoid putting too many unfamiliar or foreign words into the essay because it will not contribute anything to the essay. Remember that the people who evaluate these essays are not necessarily people who may know the technical words concerning the program - what they are most concerned about is whether or not you have sufficient motivation and drive to be a part of the long-term program.

Taking things further, I would also suggest that you talk a little more about the academic institution itself and the curriculum. Be as specific and detailed as you possibly can be because this will show an intense interest and aspiration to be part of the program itself.

Remember that these evaluators are driven by stories (hence the promotion of the usage of anecdotes) and personal advocacy. If you can showcase an in-depth love for both of these, you will pass.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Significant developments in the field of information technology and its effects for the future [2]

I would recommend that you watch out for your modifications in the verbs.There were instances sprinkled throughout your essay that it has caused confusion as to what you are truly referring to.

For instance, in your introductory sentence, I would phrase it instead as:
It is often said that the advancement of Information Technology (IT) has brought drastic improvements in the means of communication and information collection.
You cannot use the past tense of advance as somewhat of an adjective to IT in this case because it is a known fact that this is a continuous development. This means that you cannot isolate it to a single event in time, therefore it warrants it this format. I would say that to be able to grasp instances such as this, you would need to focus more on rereading your essay multiple times to determine small mistakes in your language.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to a better transition between your paragraphs. Using neverthelessas a starting word for the entirety of the paragraph is commonly an informal method. Because of this, I would suggest that you omit these words and simply head straight to the point of what the thesis and thoughts of your essay is.

Avoid using redundant language when you are beginning your paragraphs too. For instance, in your fourth paragraph, I would omit either the furtheror the even more importantlybecause they both have the same underlying thought.When doing IELTS exams, remember that you are working with word counts -therefore it should be your goal to optimize the space that you have for your essay.

Apart from these things that are more focused on the structure of your essay, I would also suggest that you look into the technicalities of your writing (usage of preposition, grammar, subject-verb agreement) because you had minor lapses in your essay regarding such, especially in the last portions. To avoid this, simply review more of the fundamental rules that you need to follow for your essay.

I can't give you an exact IELT band score to assess because that is more technical than this. Still, best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing Part 2. What factors may have caused that highly qualified graduates are without job? [4]

Try to separate your sentence structures more.Simplifyyour structure to make it easier for the readers to comprehend. This can also be a good technique to avoid mistakes in terms of structure.

For instance, I would phrase your introductory sentence as:
In most parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates have increased. However, many do not have jobs.
What I had done is simplified the language (almost all = most) and separated your thoughts into two sentences to make it easier on the eyes. Apply this technique to the rest of your essay.

I would also recommend that you look into reducing your usage of redundant language.What I mean by this is that if you can avoid similar words founded in the same sentence, you should do so because it'll make your essay flow better.

Let's look at your third paragraph. I would revise the third sentence as:
The best step to be done by authorities to reduce unemployment is to invite shareholders from abroad to open multinational companies in different states. For instance, in the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, Dubai, international investment has caused a massive economic improvement in the country.

You do not need to make mention here that investors would invest because it is a given. Eliminating these small details can optimize your essay. If you continuously do this, you can utilize the space you have for your essay better.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Prolonged incarceration or... Discuss both views and give your opinion. [4]

I appreciate the structure of your essay because it is simplified.Keep that up. Because of this, I'd like to focus more on the content rather than the composition/structure of your essay.I have a few recommendations in mind.

I would suggest that you include more bold facts and statistics in your essay. While it does not have to be strictly based off of a data sheet, mentioning rough estimations can greatly contribute to your essay's overall substance. You could place this, for instance, after mentioning how longer prison sentences deter people. Make mention of a specific case wherein this has been proven to be true. If you do this, it can strengthen the arguments that you have.

You could apply this as well to your third paragraph. You mentioned that there are countries that have this specific requirement for offenders. State specifically which countries these are to make your essay more contextualized.

You might as well also be more descriptive with your essay. Say, for instance, because rehabilitation comes in many forms, you could be more specific with what you envision this to be.

It can also help if the entirety of your essay would be more based on a single case study - a country perhaps - to create a more in-depth approach to the question.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Opinion - Is our planet in peril? [3]

Watch out for your usage of relative pronouns. While these are typically helpful in making your essay appear more put together, when misused, these can significantlyharm the entirety of the content. If you are uncertain about what to use, always review your fundamental grammar. This can also help your language avoid being confusing.

For instance, I would revise your first/introductory sentence as:
Every time you turn the television on or flick through newspaper pages, you will notice a significant increase in environmental concerns posing threats to the earth.

In here, I had eliminated these pronouns (which - specifically) and moved around your phrasing to maximize the space left for the text.This particular method of packaging the wording of your essay can be quite tricky. However, once you get a hold of it, it can help your essay become as comprehensive as it possibly can be.

Watch out for your subject-verb agreements as well. Remember to be wary of instances wherein you need to change the form of the verb in order to make it proper for your essay. If you are uncertain, again consulting your fundamental grammar guides will always be helpful for you.

You had the tendency to drag your sentences, creating difficult to understand phrasings. To avoid this, I would opt that you shorten your sentences. You should be as straightforward as you possibly can be to avoid structural mistakes. If you can divide a sentence into two separate ones, then opt to do this rather than forcing too many thoughts in a single cluster.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I could have easily revised your third sentence as:
In fact, there are people who do not believe in the greenhouse effect. They do not believe that large amounts of CO2 emissions contribute from air conditioners affect the environment negatively.

By dividing the sentence into two separate points, I can relay what I want the readers to understand faster.Doing this will enable you to make an essay that is easier to digest for the readers themselves.

Try your best to avoid redundant language(ie. mentioning the same terminologies repeatedly when you could use an alternative word). This can help your essay appear more concise too.

Apply these comments to the entirety of your essay.

Scholarship / Fulbright Study Objective - psychology and business administration student [3]

I would suggest revising your first paragraph.Your usage of time to emphasize on specific parts of your life is quite confusing. Rather than mentioning "last decade" or words that describe time like that, I would recommend that you go straight to the point.

For instance, I would revise your introductory paragraph as:
When I was in high school, the visible decline of Turk's economy was a booming issue. This was also the time I started gaining interest in the economy.

Notice that I had moved around your adjectives to maximize the space that you have in your essay. Remember that you only have a few lines to truly impress the evaluators - make this count. I also separated a previous clause that was integrated to the sentence to curate an easier to comprehend narration of your story. I would also like to see more specific details of your story in your essay. This will help your essay become more personalized and tailor-fit to your needs.

To make your essay appear more formal, I would also suggest that you watch out your capitalization.There were instances wherein you had used proper nouns and yet still did not capitalize (see your second paragraph).

In terms of content, I think that you should be more specific in terms of your intentions for studying economics in the US. For instance, mention details about its educational system that makes its economics programs top-notch. You can also tackle more about the school itself. Why do you believe that this academic institution will make you grow academically?

If you can answer these questions, you'll be on the right track.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Should we use a bicycle as our main form of transport? [3]

First and foremost, make sure that the fundamental capitalization rules are followed because this can affect how formal your essay is perceived. I would also say to watch out for your adverb usage because misuse of this can affect the quality of your work. These are two primary concerns that I have regarding the technical or grammatical portions of your text.

To take things further, I would also recommend that you look into a better transition method for your text.Your essay is quite fluid on its own. However, there were instances wherein the complexity of your language had interfered with the overall structure of the text itself. Simplifying your language and the structure can go a long way.

For instance, I would revise the second sentence of your second paragraph as:
This assists in the decrease of air pollution that has a negative impact in the environment. In addition, unhealthy air can cause damage to the human body with sicknesses such as lung cancer and other related diseases.

If you are able to make your sentences more concise, you can be ensured that your essay becomes more comprehensible for the readers. I would recommend that you stick to this simplified version at all costs, especially when you are still learning the language.

Cut down your third paragraph into three different sentences. Afterwards, you should add a concluding sentence. Doing this would make the structure of this portion firmer in its discussion of the topic.

I would also recommend revising the conclusion because it is quite vague. It would help if you have a reflection on this portion. Perhaps you can even add an anecdote to help your essay become more personalized.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Options on transportation improvement [3]

@tcl1120
Great start for your essay!I do still have a couple of key recommendations to better your structure and flow.
In your first paragraph, I would rather that you slice your first sentence into two separate points. By doing this, you can be more straightforward with your language. This is an especially important trait in IELTS because you are working with word counts.

Avoid being redundant as well with your usage of language.While it is commendable how comprehensive and formal your wordings are, you should opt to havea more direct approachto your essay considering the nature of this test.

In line with this, I could revise the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph as:
One salient example is China's improvement in managing its air pollution after launching the high speed rail.
Simply toy with the words.Move them around until you have optimized the space that you have. Another good example for this can be seen through your last paragraph. Instead of sayingby way of conclusion, simply sayin conclusion. These small changes can contribute a lot to transforming the entirety of your essay.

Follow these guidelines throughout your essay. You're doing great. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Ielts 1 - statistical information on the amount of flora and fauna extinction in tropical forests [2]

I would switch your first two sentences. In the process of doing so, you could briefly expound and touch on the idea of human beings being a contributor to the threats to vegetation. Afterwards, you can proceed to mentioning the statistical information present in the graph and the chart. This would make your essay follow a more deductive method of content that is easier to comprehend for the readers.

Furthermore, be as straightforward as much as possible. Try avoid using words that lengthen the sentence (articles, modifiers that are redundant, out of place preposition, etc.). By doing this, you are able to curate text that is more academic.

For instance, I would suggest that you look into revising your second paragraph's first sentence as:
In the beginning, the number of extinct plant and animal species was only under 5 000. This is predicted to experience a dramatic rise until 2060 with figures expecting to peak 10 times higher than the base year.

By inserting terms (ie. base year) and omitting adjectives that do not contribute to the text itself, you are able to make a much more concise structure for your essay. Furthermore, I would also suggest that to avoid being repetitive with your usage of words. If you feel as though you can opt to change your phrasing, then feel free to do so.

Watch out for your usage of parenthesis as well. I noticed that you had utilized this method to describe your figures. Simply eliminate these and be straightforward with introducing your numbers. There's no need to add a parenthesis.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: In some regions, a great number of young adults are elected for key roles in the government [4]

I would opt that you shorten your sentence structure, making your content easier to grasp by the readers. While your first paragraph had a decent structure, there were writing techniques that you could have used to make your flow more concise.

For instance, I could rephrase your first sentence as:
Young people in some regions are now elected for key government roles.
What I had done was to omit unnecessary words (preposition, modifiers, etc.) to be able to shorten the structure. This is an effective method if you seek to maximize your word count. Try to omit what you can omit while still maintaining the fundamental grammar rules. It goes a long way. Apply this recommendation to your entire essay.

For your second paragraph, I would suggest that you may remove the to begin with and instead proceed to directly beginning your paragraph. These words do not contribute to the content - therefore are not necessary in the essay itself. When working with limited space, you should take this into account.

Furthermore, I would recommend that you use an oxford comma as it can help your essay appear more academic.

Writing Feedback / In some countries there are more young adults than older people - advantages? [5]

@tcl1120
I would opt for a better introduction for your paragraphs. It is quite repetitive to continuously mention"from the [...] point of view" because you had utilized this twice already.Instead, I would recommend that you look into a more straightforward and direct to the point approach. If you do this, you can help make your sentences and phrases more concise.This will truly help readers digest your writing easier.

I like how you used more concrete datainto your second paragraph. You should incorporate the same technique to your third paragraph.In here, you used the example of innovative companies. Instead of being general here, I would recommend you would have a specific case as an example. This can improve your essay's substance.

Like the previous comments I've had, I also recommend that you look into a different opening line for your conclusion. Use more formal language than creative because this will make your essay more academically appropriate.

Once you mention how there are merits that outweigh the drawbacks, you also briefly mention what are these to not confuse the readers.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Childcare preparation to all new parents [3]

@tcl1120
I would opt for a different transition in between sentences and paragraphs.Your current method is sufficient. However, it would be appreciated if you could have a more organic approach to moving from one point to another. This can ensure that the essay is structured to be fluid.

For instance, I would change the last sentence of your first paragraph as:
While I agree that skills and methods for childcare are essential, it is impossible and impractical to impose the training to all new parents.
To maximize your space, use impossible and impractical instead of not possible and practical because it's the formal usage of the words.I would also suggest moving around your phrasing as to not be repetitive. For example what I had accomplished was only use parents once in the span of one sentence.

In your fourth paragraph, change your opening line because perhaps is an unacceptable method of introduction. Considering the magnitude of options, you can opt to omit that and instead go straight to the point.

I would also recommend changing your introduction in the concluding paragraph. While usage of creative language is alright, it is better to opt for a formal articulation than it as to keep the academic standard of the essay itself.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Bettering public health by the number of sport facilities or other measures [5]

@Harrypham0109
I would watch out for your verb usage. There were instances wherein you were quite confusing. To avoid this, I would opt that you look into simplifying your language. As much as complex usage of terms helps in making an essay more professional, you should always try to make it as comprehensible as you possibly can.

For instance, I would revise your first sentence as:
While it is believed that sport amenities improve public health, there are alternatives that are more important.
This is a simplified version of your sentence. I would opt that you look into removing phrases that you believe do not substantially contribute to your essay. You should apply this as well to your next two paragraphs as you have encountered the same issue.

Lastly, I would suggest that you add more details into your concluding paragraph. A simple sentence is insufficient to prove your point because there's no thesis and analysis to it at all.

Most IELTS writing tasks involve that you maximize your space for content. You can do this through removing adjectives that do not fully contribute to your essay's flow. You can also do this through removing repetitive language.

Optimize your space as much as possible.

Scholarship / An Application for the World Bank Scholarship Program - Future Career Plans [2]

Technically speaking on your grammatical composition, I suggest that you look into your usage of punctuation and prepositions. There were slip-ups that I would rather not nitpick on.

Regarding the content of your essay, I would suggest that you shift around the content to ensure that you follow a specific pattern and structure. I would recommend that you shift your first paragraph to the last portion of the essay.

In addition, you can be more specific with your wordings. Tackle specific issues and approaches - rather than just mentioning that they exist. The more specific you are, the better it would be to contribute to your essay's flow because it would be more comprehensive for the readers.

A part of the criteria is the commitment to the home country. Your current essay seemingly lacks this portion. Mention more about how specifically you want to help the country. By doing this and showing an in-depth research on the topic, you are showing that you truly know more about the topic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: reasons and positive/negative development for shopping malls designed for the young? [4]

@goodorfood
I would suggest removing phrases which do not provide additional substance to your essay.
For instance, I would have shortened and paraphrased your first sentence as:
The development of shopping centres and malls designed to attract the youth enabled them to spend more time.
You could omit mentioning that there are main reasons to it because your following sentence already mentioned it.
Furthermore, I would also recommend adding a more specific context or example to your essay. This will help the readers fully understand what you mean.

If you can, you may also briefly mention the negative reasons as to why people should not be engaged into this. Mention the pessimistic perspective to balance out your narrative.

Be concise to make this more substantial as much as possible.
Best of luck.

Graduate / Green Technology and Engineering - Help with my Personal statement [3]

@Ise_g
I think that your essay's formatting is beautiful because of your usage of anecdotes. The more personalized an essay is, the better it is when it comes to providing that intimate feeling for the readers. However, there are a few key suggestions that I recommend for you to be able to better your essay's overall structure.

For instance, I would recommendhaving a more outward-looking essay. What I mean by this is that you can better your essay through adding more about what you are looking forward to specifically from the curriculum. Say, for instance, if there is a course that you are truly looking forward to get, mention that. Be as enthusiastic as you possibly can be when it comes laying down the details. Discuss more about what specific skills and knowledge you can garner from this.

Also, I could recommend that you look intodiscussing specific parts of the educational institution that also excites you.Discuss why you believe it is the best in the country. You had briefly mentioned this, but it would be appreciated if you could expound on it more.

Scholarship / AAS - study/work in a group and mutual help - 'solving a challenge, implementing reform' essay [5]

Firstly, I would watch out for your usage of punctuation. There were instances wherein you had misused or overused it. To avoid this, I would recommend that if you feel like you can go without it, you should opt to remove it in your structure.

The anecdote on the second paragraph is delightful. I would only suggest that you tackle a specific instance. For instance, talk about a specific friend and give a little bit of background information on her. This will enable you to have more perspective on the matter than dealing with it calmly.

Watch out for your tense usage as well (see your last paragraph). Be wary of the way that you structure and phrase your sentences. If possible, be as straightforward as you can be to avoid instances wherein you would cause confusion to the readers.

I would also recommend that you watch out for your usage of preposition at times. It can be quite confusing with the way that you narrate.

Apart from that, you're going on the right track.

Writing Feedback / Essay (Problem-Solution-Evaluation Essay) about Drones [2]

I would suggest simplifying your language to make your sentences more precise and comprehensive. It would be appreciated by readers if you could make your sentences as straightforward as possible, especially because the essay that you have already includes quite a technical topic.

For instance, I would paraphrase your introductory sentence as:
Drones are commonly used because of their functions and capacities. There is a growing influence of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAV) on people's lives.
Take note that I used the typical sentence formatting than making an irregular sentence. I also have switched over firstly using the full name of a terminology before introducing an acronym. This is standard formatting as well.

Furthermore, in your paragraph for the solutions section, I would suggest not starting this portion with nevertheless. This is quite an odd introduction. Rather, simply have an organic flow by omitting it and starting the sentence directly into the point of your thesis statement.

Research Papers / CBD: Better Than Prescripition Drugs [2]

Let's go through the technicalities.
I suggest that you find a better transition word when you move from one paragraph to another. For instance, you can opt not to use "the next method" directly as your transition line from the fifth to the sixth paragraph.

For instance, what you can say is:
There is also what is referred to as the Olive Extraction Method.
I would also opt to remove the quotation marks because it's redundant and unnecessary in your essay. You can simply capitalize to showcase that these are pronouns/titles. It will be sufficient - rather than cluttering your essay with punctuation that does not contribute to its overall structure.

Look into your transition as well between the sixth and the seventh paragraph. It's odd and informal to simply put the title without adding it into a proper sentence. Simply revise and include a simple sentence structure to avoid cluttering your essay.

Furthermore, you had also a tendency to create lengthy paragraphs (specifically the eighth paragraph onward). You can avoid this through cutting your paragraph into two different, specific points to discuss and expound. Once you have accomplished this, I would suggest that you look into shortening and making your sentences as concise as they possibly can be.

I would also switch the tenth and the eleventh paragraph for structure-related concerns.
Your essay's closing remarks were sufficient. However, it would be nice if you could integrate your last two paragraphs (shortening your current last paragraph as well in relation to it) because the second to the last one right now appears to be isolated and out of place. Hanging paragraphs that do not have specific points of subject should be avoided as much as possible.

Best of luck.

Letters / Reference Letter for my friend (new job) [3]

I think that the essay is sufficient in terms of having the basics covered. However, I would also recommend that you expound more about things.

A lot of the traits that you had mentioned in the essay seemed as though they were pulled out of a template. While this may not be the intention, it can come off as that especially if the tone of the essay comes off as too serious. To avoid this, I would suggest that you look into incorporating more anecdotes. Personalize your essay as much as possible.

Talk about a time wherein Jeff had offered a solution to solve a horrendous problem in the institution. Talk about his personal traits as an individual outside of the work environment. If you would mention him as a dedicated and reliable individual, you can discuss a time that he had showcased these traits publicly.

There's no such thing as overdoing it if it's a reference letter, especially for as long as the traits and the qualities that you mention are all true.

Scholarship / An Application for the World Bank Scholarship Program - most significant professional achievement [3]

I would watch out for your usage of prepositions. While your grammar is noticeably good, you have to watch out or small usage mistakes. I would suggest that you reread your essay multiple times to ensure that you do not let small slip-ups go through.

Apart from this, in terms of content, I recommend that you look into extending the substance of your essay. I would suggest that you look into adding more information as to how these professional achievements have helped Indonesia in the long run. You were already sufficient in terms of putting on the table your roles and responsibilities. However, it would be a great addition if you could expound on how you this has assisted the people of Indonesia.

Looking at the rubric, I suggest that you also expound more about how your professional work has contributed to your nationalism and love for the country. Talk about your aspirations for the country's growth - and how these have contributed to your dreams and career goals.

Scholarship / AAS - Knowledge / Skills / Procrastination - examples of use, as well as the constraints [3]

I think that your essay is promising. However, I do have a few recommendations that I believe will contribute to its content and structure.
It would be a great addition to your essay if you could expound your three points with anecdotes or specific moments in your life wherein you realized that these were necessary for you. For instance, in your first point, if you seek to discuss how you want to be a better educator, talk about a time that had inspired you to start teaching in the first place. Talk about what had made this passion truly important for you. If you can do this, you'll be able to get the hearts of the evaluators more. This means that you can make them understand how truly important these aspects are to you.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you expound more on your constraint. You only gave a brief idea of it. It would be appreciated if you could expound specifically on why this is important. Perhaps you can talk about a time you had overcome this constraint; and how this circumstance has made you a better student overall.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS - teaching is my passion; pursuing master's degree in applied linguistics with TESOL [3]

I would suggest a different opening than what you have know. It's a bit odd to start your essay (regardless if it's linked to a different one) with mentioning that you had already uttered it. To make the flow a bit better, I would suggest that you look into mentioning an anecdote. You had already started your essay through stating that you admire the quirks coming from your student. Can you recall a specific instance that this had lured you to the job? If you can do that, it would be a more specific and substantiated format of what you have now.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you should not put yourself down in the essay. Look for alternatives with your thoughts. For instance, instead of mentioning that you feel as though your work output is becoming boring, you could mention that you are simply looking into ways to make your work more optimistic and forward-looking.

Ultimately what I would suggest is that you attempt to be more specific with your essay. Mention specific portions of the course that excite you. Mention which portions you wish to improve on. Mention more anecdotes. Make it as personal and intimate as possibly can.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / English Teaching - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? - AAS 2019 [6]

@Day999
The flow of your essay is sufficient. However, I do have a couple of key suggestions that could better the overall content and structure of your composition.

Firstly, I recommend that incorporate anecdotes into your essay. You can talk about an instance in your life that made you want to be a linguist. If this is absent or too much of a stretch, you can talk about what has driven you to partake in a graduate program. While you have mentioned wanting to become a teacher in the field, it would be better if you could expound this more.

What about the profession excites you?
What has made you choose this profession above all others that are present?
Moreover, I would also suggest discussing why you have chosen the university itself. You have mentioned courses which you believe are impeccable.However, it would also be nice to discuss the overall social and cultural background of the academic institution that makes it stand out.

How exactly do you fit into the environment of the school that would make you a better candidate?
What can you offer to the university?
Lastly, you discussed how you had teachers and lecturers who had inspired you to partake in the program. I would suggest looking into expounding that. Discuss who (specifically) has helped you to realize your dream.

Remember that the more personal your essay is (especially for applications), the more that evaluators can appreciate you. There are a lot of applicants already in the vacuum of the system. Tackle more about what has shaped you to become who you are. Talk more about yourself - not just as a student but as a person who has in-depth aspirations in life.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Ielts part 1_Table: compares the data about the underground systems of railway in six cities [2]

My first recommendation is for you to condense your writing. This is especially useful for ESL learners because it minimizes the possibility of you committing fundamental errors (run-on sentences, wrong usage of relative clauses and punctuation, etc.).

For instance, I would revise your second line as:
It can be seen from the table that the earliest underground railway of London is also its longest.
Simply shifting around the words would enable you to have more structure in your essay.
Review your usage of punctuation. You had a tendency to overuse it, disrupting the overall flow of your narration.
The overall outline of your essay can be quite confusing as well. I would suggest that you create a more organized approach to explaining the table. For instance, you can discuss firstly the history and the length of time that the railway has been up. Afterwards, you can delve into the quantity of flow of people who use the system itself.

Apart from that, I would suggest that you include the table next time so that we can provide a proper writing assessment.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people can buy cheaper products. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? [4]

Watch out for sentences which are long and dragging. You have a tendency to over-complicate the language - which will not be beneficial for you especially if you are looking into making your essay more comprehensible for the users. What you can do is to attempt to omit words which do not add value to your sentences.

For instance, let's take into account your second paragraph's second to the last sentence. I would rephrase that instead as:
One advantage is that there are Android devices that are bought at lower prices in the market that still have various features and advantageous processing times.

What I did was attempt to compress all your descriptions into a single sentence. You can master this technique through practicing more.
Your third paragraph appears to be hanging as well. You can merge this with your fourth paragraph with a little bit of usage of transitions. Hanging paragraphs like this do nothing for the professional structure of your essay, hence I suggest that you look into altering them or shifting them a bit.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you change your transition for the second portion of the essay wherein you discuss the drawbacks of the products. You had already utilized the number system as a transition, therefore I would recommend that you opt for an alternative to avoid redundant language that do not contribute to the flow of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Worty Cost? - New railway lines for high speed trains or improving existing public transport [4]

Your essay has a generally appealing structure on its own. The readers would certainly appreciate the way that you compose your narrative, However, I do have a couple of key suggestions for you.

I would recommend that you include a brief summation in the introduction as to why this is your stance in the essay. It doesn't have to be long and dragging - you only need to start discussing the fundamental reason why. This can strengthen your introductory lines.

Furthermore, I also suggest that you shorten your sentences. You should try to be more straightforward and concise. Doing this can improve the flow of your essay because it'll be more comprehensible for the readers themselves.

Lastly, I would also look into a different ending to your concluding or last paragraph. I would opt to transition more into discussing your personal opinion regarding the usage of improvement of public transportation. Perhaps you can end it with an anecdote.

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Public Health) [3]

The essay already is technical. It showcases an in-depth understanding of the health field itself. However, I do have a couple of suggestions to better your essay.

I would suggest to first and foremost add more personal details into the essay. Build a narrative as to why specifically you have chosen this course. This will make your essay more humane and appealing to the evaluators because it showcases a more in-depth and personal passion towards the course itself.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you look into tackling more about the specific parts of the institution that attracts you to it. This will ensure that the evaluators know that you fit like a glove to the values that the institution stands for. This can, therefore, show that you stand out from the crowd.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: agree or disagree: the national or international literature and history [3]

From your introductory paragraph, I suggest changing your transition word between global history and literature into alongside.
This, therefore, would result to:
It is equally essential for children to learn both national and global history alongside literature.
This will ensure that you are not repetitive in your language - which essentially means that your essay would be better overall in terms of flow.

Also, watch out for your usage of punctuation and relative clauses. You have a tendency to have small mishaps in these two sections in particular. Avoid redundancy in your language; and you're doing good. What this means primarily is that you need to make sure that you aren't repeating your thoughts throughout the text.

Aside from these things, a subtle overview and review of grammar would also assist you in terms of structure. I have noticed that your essay has a lot of seemingly dragging or run-on sentences. To avoid this, I would suggest that you look into shortening your phrasing and being as straightforward as you possibly can be.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : fast food consumption by income groups [3]

Next time, I suggest that you include in your post the graph/chart to make the feedback more specific and helpful. Thank you.
First and foremost, I would suggest merging that introductory sentence into the paragraph below it. It appears out of place in its current placement - and does not pave way for a structured narrative that will strengthen your essay.

Watch out for the words that you capitalize.For instance, names of food are notsupposed to be capitalized for they're not proper nouns. I suggest finding a grammar-focused learning book to boost your skills in determining these things. Once you get a hold of it, you'll be able to organically notice these small mistakes because they're easy to spot.

You also have a tendency to create run-on sentences or those phrases which are simply dragging and do not contribute much to the essay.
We can, for instance, revise your third paragraph's first sentence as:
The bar chart shows how people with higher salaries spend more than 40 pence for hamburgers in a span of one week. Meanwhile, the amount of fish and chips and pizzas are only chosen at approximately 20 pence.

You can practice all these suggestions and apply them to the rest of the essay. Best of luck.