Writing Feedback / Nowadays changes need to be made regarding the school curriculum, prepare children for adulthood [2]

Saons, I think there are two points to consider in your essay. Firstly, let's delve into the technicalities of your paper. You have instances wherein your proper usage of commas (general punctuation) is lacking.

For instance, take this revised sentence from the first paragraph:
With the clear purpose to achieve it, a wide range of changes should be made in the school curriculum as soon as possible.

Small changes such as this can make your paper more academically credible because they showcase a fundamental understanding of the usage of text. Ensure that you review the usage of proper usage of punctuation before you proceed.

I also suggest looking into merging the third and fourth paragraph to make it more substantial. I have noticed that the third paragraph is hanging in its context. A general rule of thump is that paragraphs should have at least four sentences for formality purposes. While some may argue otherwise, I think it's still safe to follow this.

You should begin looking into answering more of the rationale behind the texts that you have. When you make broad proclamations such as arguing that children do not need "useless content" when it comes to learning, you should expound on what those things are and explain concretely why you think they're irrelevant to the educational system.

The thought of your essay is on-point, however it does need further tailor-fitting to make it more substantial and knowledge-based (factual) rather than a cluster of opinions.

Writing Feedback / Strict ban on plastic bags - opinion essay [2]

Jalp,

I think the structure of your essay is already good. However, I would also consider looking into breaking down your sentences. You have a tendency to create long sentences which can easily be stripped down to be friendlier to the reader.

For instance, let's take into account your first paragraph. I would have made the second sentence into this:

Many countries have banned plastic bags to save the environment because they contribute to the degradation of the earth.

This is a better way to phrase it because you are able to establish your thought and reasoning without dragging the sentence.

Another revision could be from your third paragraph wherein the last sentence can be phrased as:

The huge amount of plastic bags have caused the failure of dams to accommodate to large flows of water, especially when the storm comes. This results to flooding.

Apart from this, I also suggest that when making academic essays, make sure that you extensively discuss the why of your arguments. When you mention how pollution contributes to the earth's problems, it would be wise to mention statistics. This can make your essay well-grounded and factual. Also, please make sure that you review your grammar rules because you make small mistakes such as using "who" instead of "that" when referring to objects. I appreciate your usage of examples, however just keep in mind my previous comments about your usage of grammar.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay: The Value of Self-Discipline [2]

Agb2k,

I think your essay is headed in the right direction. I would propose, though, trying to cut down your sentences. While a lot of people think that admission or scholarship essays should be long and daunting, it should instead flow naturally. Avoid over explaining your thoughts, especially because you only have 300 words to catch the attention of the reader. Short and sweet will always get your audience.

For instance, let's revise the first sentence of your second paragraph. You could have said:

Self-discipline, admittedly, is a tedious task. But once triumphed, it's worth it.

What I did was not only compress the thought into a smaller or shorter structure, but I also made sure that there were necessary pauses to make the sentence easier to digest. You should as well consider reviewing your grammar and punctuation rules before proceeding.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - MSc Economics Universitat Hamburg [2]

Inzzudinfarras,

I suggest that you review basic grammar rules and punctuation. There were several slips in your essay. I also noticed that you have a tendency to create run-on sentences - or create lines that do not flow naturally. Like what I always tell people, it would be nice if you could articulate things in a precise manner. This means you should shorten your sentences to make them easier to understand.

For instance, I would suggest revising the third paragraph to something similar to this:

From this experience, I have proven to my family and myself that I can be responsible in accomplishing tasks I am interested in. This is also the reason why I am pursuing a postgraduate degree in economics; and I also aim to be successful in this. That being said, I wish to carry on with this dream under the MSc Economics at Universitat Hamburg.

You will notice that I have done two things: ensured that there is an organic flow in structure and capitalized on how this is truly a dream for you. If you emphasize more on the idea that you treat this as something you have been aiming for your entire life, it could heighten your chances. There were instances, however, wherein the admissions essay had sections that were quite repetitive already (mentioning how this is your dream, that you are a competent learner). While these sections are good, you should still consider adding more of a personal touch. Perhaps tell a story about your life that makes it more intimate for the admission's officer. People are touched by stories.

You should also consider adding a section from your letter dedicated to showcasing your skills and how you can contribute to the university. It is imperative that you can show that not only is this your dream - but that you can also bring something to the table that other applicants do not. Keep in mind that they receive hundreds if not thousands of applications. Show why you are different - and explicitly mention why your Indonesian background makes you an exceptional candidate.

Best of luck.

Graduate / Goal of study and study plan for Korean university application [4]

Itha20,

Looking through your essay, I think it's already better than a lot of others I have personally come across. However, study plans usually encompass more than just mentioning your background. You should consider adding more of a prospective approach to your study. This means talk about why their curriculum and the environment of their school can contribute to your growth - and your research plans in accordance to those. A lot of applicants for academic institutions simply focus on explaining their background and why they need to be part of the program. However, a lot of these universities would also be delighted to hear not just why you fit into the program - but also, how they can benefit from your research skills.

I love how you told a story from the beginning. Often, applicants forget that telling personal stories can contribute immensely to the overall process. Reviewers love hearing about you as an individual.

I do have a couple of notes for you, though:
1. I suggest working on your sentence structures. Some of them could be greatly reduced and shortened. This can make your essay easier to read, therefore the review can appreciate your word more.

2. You may also restructure the format of your essay in terms of placement of thoughts. What I mean by this is that the fourth paragraph can instead be the third or second because it serves as an introductory to your life in Korea. Having a sequence to follow or a timeline would help with the flow of structure. Of course, this depends to you. But I suggest experimenting more with the structure.

3. You could go back to your story to cap your essay. In the beginning, you were mentioning the impact of visiting hospitals for you on a personal level. You could utilize this story to create harmony for your paper.

Aside from these notes, I think you're on the right track for applications. Best of luck to you.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 - layouts of a university's sports center [3]

Crystlho,

I would suggest merging the first two paragraphs of your essay together because they seem to be simply hanging in terms of thought. Or perhaps, you can find a way to restructure your essay wherein your concluding remarks would fall after your comparison - not before. I have noticed that you the first paragraph was already making elucidations about the topic before explaining why the other plan has more facilities. I would also suggest expounding more about the details of the existing layout. You spent a huge part of the essay explaining the details of the new plan to the point that you had left behind the current layout.

What you can also do is make a side-by-side comparison of each portion of the layout than simply describing both of the structures.

Writing Feedback / Ielt writing task 1 The table below shows key data on the demographics of 4 different countries [2]

Gio1999pt,

On a technical level, I would suggest looking into studying more about proper punctuation, subject-verb agreements, and grammar. Things such as oxford comma and knowing when to use particular terms can increase your academic credibility.

For instance, the first sentence could have been:
The table compares 4 different countries in terms of 3 features: population, GDP per capita, and average life expectancy.

I also suggest that you look into utilizing synonyms more into your essay. This can assist you into making your paper put-together. Also, be wary of your usage (or the lack thereof) of articles or modifiers.

Derived from your third paragraph, I could make this revision:
People in the United States have gained the highest rate of GDP per capita at approximately $681 USD.

If you can notice, I referred formally to the country rather than simply inputting the data present in the table. This can also structure your paper better because you would have more of an organic flow. Having data in a graph to analyze does not mean that you have to necessarily copy and paste from it to dissect the details.

Furthermore, I would also suggest to have more consistency in the writing style. This means that to avoid confusing the readers, you could perhaps refrain from alternating between their placement in the table and what the country is also called. This will result to a harmonious paper overall.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / Mental Illnesses and The Causes [2]

Tyson,

While your essay is sufficient in terms of expounding details, you should be wary of structuring your paper. What I mean by this is that you could arrange your paragraphs to become harmonious. For instance, the shift between your second and third paragraph seems misconstrued (and confusing). Your first two paragraphs were a great start to your paper, however you then proceeded jumping into talking about how eating healthy can provide benefits. It would be better if you transferred that section to the last parts of your paper as to make a substantial conclusion to the discussion. If not, you can change the direction of your paper through altering the title. Because your title is focused on discussing initially the roots of mental illnesses, it's only right to begin with this than providing insight on curing it.

I also noticed that you quickly shift the general tone and direction of your essay. If you wish to focus on the causes of mental illness, then focus the discussion on that than talking about both the positive and negative impact of a particular act to one's mental health.

I would suggest sticking with an outline that is similar to this:
a. General introduction to mental illnesses
b. Causes of mental illnesses
- Lifestyle factors (income, sleep, stress levels, etc.)
- Biological factors (ADHD, anxiety, bipolar, etc.)
c. Conclusion
- Preventative measures (eating healthy, proper exercise, and others)
- Final remarks

In this way, you do not jump from discussions and become repetitive. You can cluster altogether your narratives on sleep and its correlation with mental health; and then you can proceed with doing the same for others.

Aside from this, you are already on the right track when it comes to expound your thoughts in an essay. Just make sure that you create harmony and structure. Keep an eye out also for how you phrase your titles and ensure that your entire essay is in line with it.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Future science will make human almost immortal. Is that good? [2]

Coke,

The direction of your essay is sufficient. I simply suggest extending the rationale of your explanations. For instance, you can extend the discussion of the mutual support through mentioning why this is better for the overall well-being of people in the family. Have a discussion about how this will enrich the family and ensure that members have heightened mental security. Talk about the impact of this to their lives; and talk about how this is better for the community itself.

Regarding your second argument in your essay, I suggest backing it up with more substantial information - some data perhaps. You could put statistics on the correlation of an aging population with the levels of stress in a family. Think about case studies that display similar behavior such as Japan's situation. This can strengthen your points and make your case stronger to have more appeal.

I also suggest looking into extending your argument in the opinion paragraph. It's not enough to talk about how the world has other issues - try expounding and tackling these issues on a grounded-approach to have more substantial information weighed in.

Aside from that, when concluding, ensure that you utilize a criterion. This means you can talk about why the negative reasons weigh more than the plausible benefits. Why is it the after-effect of the lengthening of people's lives detrimental because of its burden? Does it not give sufficient return-of-investment for the people?

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. [2]

Your manner of writing is good. A lot of readers would appreciate how straightforward you are when it comes to approaching your argument. However, there are a couple of things I'd suggest.

In your first paragraph, when you mention that there are other equally important factors, it would be better for you to introduce them already. If not, I suggest switching the second and third paragraph to create a better structure for your essay. If you were to move forward with this, I suggest altering the first sentence of the second (previously third) paragraph to make transition smoother.

For instance, you can say:
Aside from the monetary side, there are other elements such as suitability of career and alignment of values that both have to be considered when choosing a career.

It would also be desirable if you revised the second sentence of your first paragraph into something like:
Personally, I disagree with the idea because money is not the sole determinant of how fulfilling a career can be for an individual.

If you did both revisions, it can make the flow of your essay more organic. Furthermore, I suggest extending your concluding remarks because the one that you currently have leaves the readers hanging. Why is it important to consider these factors on a personal level? Is this a more sustainable approach for people who are seeking long-term commitments in their career?

Also, please review your essay once more. I have noticed that some portions have technical or grammatical-related (punctuation as well) issues. Watch out for run-on sentences.

Take your second paragraph as an example; we could revise one of the lines at the end as:
For instance, while singers or artists often have luxurious lives, there are a couple of cases wherein they can barely afford basic necessities.

Just remember the three things I mentioned: restructure your essay to be more organic, ensure that you have your grammar is as professional as can be, and don't leave hanging remarks for readers by creating short paragraphs like your conclusion.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Opportunity Fund Program by Usef...any suggestions ? [2]

NirajP,

I admire how you started your essay by telling your personal story. Generally speaking, the flow of your essay is sufficient when it comes to relaying information. I would only suggest tweaking it a little bit to make sure it is more professional.

On a technical level, I would suggest that you look into correcting your usage of spacing and punctuation marks. Also, I suggest reviewing your subject-verb agreements. It also helps to reread your essay out loud multiple times.

For instance, I could revise your second paragraph as:

I was in shock when the doctor told me to undergo surgery because the pain would be intolerable in the future. He mentioned that I could possibly be infertile because of it. This news came in all of a sudden. Due to this, I found it difficult to maintain a balance between my health and academics. My parents also struggled to manage expenses because of the additional financial burden.

I suggest adding details in the end of your essay about how you can potentially contribute to the academic institution. Often, when agencies such as this give away scholarships, they expect a return of investment. Talk more about your long-term goals - and how these goals can contribute to the institution. I also would like to suggest a revision on your last sentence. While improving your self-confidence as an individual can be a good reason, talk more about the potential impact of the scholarship on people close to you. This will ensure that the reviewers feel empathy towards you - hence, helping in boosting your chances for acceptance.

Best of luck to your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discuss about advantages and disadvantages of private medical services. [4]

Eren,

On a personal note, I appreciate how the structure of your essay makes it comprehensible and understandable. I do have a couple of suggestions that will improve the flow of your narrative.

Firstly, reconsider the phrasing and your general usage of some particular words. For instance, in the first paragraph, be clear by what you mean when you mention of the medical services sector being a form of business than a service. You can briefly explain how privatization and heavily monopolizing this can result to higher prices in services, making it inaccessible. Touching on these arguments can improve your essay's quality because it shows a long-term perception.

Secondly, when you are using transition sentences, you can be more creative. You can, for instance, omit the "on the one hand" in your second paragraph; this can also eliminate the repetition from the words because you use a similar opener in your third paragraph.

Lastly, I suggest that you add more details to your concluding remarks. You simply wrapped up the essay by mentioning how the drawbacks are proof that profit-making companies have no space in medical services. You can add flairs to your essay by, for instance, discussing how this can be better for people who are poor. You may also discuss why this sector has to cater to these people because it's a fundamental right of everyone.

Best of luck to you.

Scholarship / Build Indonesia's Potential Through Border Economic Potential [3]

Darkknight1995,

I suggest that you try shortening your sentences to make your thoughts more comprehensible. While lengthy sentences are generally alright, you can create a better flow by being direct to the point. If you feel that you can cut a sentence into two different thoughts, choose to do that.

Essays are also typically comprised of three paragraphs. This will delineate the introduction, body, and conclusion to create more structure. I suggest that cut your first paragraph in half, create a transition for a new paragraph, and utilize your current second paragraph to conclude your thoughts.

Furthermore, I suggest that you make a more extensive analysis of why the education system of Australia best fits you. Because you are aiming to showcase how you fit into the picture, you can show this by explaining more about what makes the country suitable for your academic and professional needs.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc in Data Science (Marketing Analysis) [2]

Pharyacha,

There are a couple of things I want you to take note of. Academic reviewers will appreciate that you have expounded on the details of why your professional background makes you a good candidate for the program. I do suggest, however, that you look into adding a personal flair to your essay. What this means is talk about your values, ambitions, and long-term goals. This can help the evaluators see the in-depth reason as to why you will have an inner drive. This is important for them to empathize with you as an applicant - to gain their attention. Remember, there are numerous applicants who may also have similar backgrounds as you. Let your personality shine through more in your essay to make a mark.

I also suggest that you look into tackling what makes you different from other people. If you believe that your extensive professional experience is what makes you stand out, discuss that through giving them an insight as to who you are as a person. Remember that these academicians who evaluate do not merely look at your track record; they also look into you as an individual.

Aside from that, your essay is already on the right track. Best of luck to you!

Writing Feedback / Tofel writing part 2--whether children nowadays are more difficult to educate that in previous times [2]

Ruslai0,
Your essay is on the right direction. However, I do suggest that you look into shortening your sentences. If you can reread your essay and find that some portions can be divided into two separate sentences, please do so. This will make your writing easier to read, hence it will improve how comprehensible your essay is.

I also noticed that your third paragraph is quite out of place. Perhaps if you switched your third and fourth paragraph, you can create a better structure as both the second and fourth paragraph discuss dynamics of technology and its correlation with teaching students. You can perhaps start off by discussing how technology paves way for the dissemination of information. Afterwards, you can discuss how progression of technology has also resulted to a new approach to education.

I also suggest that you can add more flair to your essay by merging both social networking and technological advancement in relation to educating people. You may discuss here how technology can assist, for instance, students who are introverted and less outgoing to have more interpersonal skills development because of media-based networks.

You may as well add more details to your conclusion to make it more comprehensive.
Best of luck!

Letters / MOTIVATIONAL LETTER - EXCHANGE PROGRAM (Leuven KU) [2]

Akurvensc,
Your essay already has sufficient information regarding your personal background. It is wise that you mentioned your motivation - and how pursuing an exchange can better you as an individual. I would suggest expounding more on the academic portion your paper. You touched on the field of business administration in your fourth field, however you were not able to link it properly to your current program. I suggest that you go in-depth into this. Going on exchanges are supposedly both academically-fueled and, at the same time, supported by your own personal values and long-term aspirations.

I also suggest adding more details to your last paragraph. You may also include a more conclusive background. The one you have right now still leaves the evaluators with questions. You can answer, for instance, why Belgium's educational system is one that you are truly looking for. Showcase how you've researched extensively about the country's background information to show how persevering and dedicated you are to be part of the program.

Best of luck to your application.

Research Papers / Is Medical radiation safe? [2]

Bframirez,
On a technical level, I suggest that you review the usage of punctuation. There were a few sentences wherein you could have utilized a comma or a semi-colon, however you simply continued on writing. Take, for instance, your first paragraph. You should also look into subject-verb agreements and grammatical errors that can easily be fixed.

I suggest that you add more concrete details to your explanations. When you first make mention of the common assumption about radiation's nature of being an unsafe substance, discuss briefly where this comes from. This will be a more grounded approach to your essay than simply letting it be.

Furthermore, you should avoid lengthy paragraphs. A typical paragraph length would be four to six paragraphs. Although there are instances wherein you justify length by saying that some sentences are intertwined, longer versions should be avoided. This can drag an essay down even if it is well-written. Take a look at your second and third paragraph. If you are worried that you might have too many paragraphs for a typical essay, you may omit certain unnecessary words to avoid this issue.

Regarding your usage of acronyms, once you declare an acronym, simply omit the whole meaning in the succeeding times. For instance, you do not need to mention digital radiography if you have introduced the acronym DR. Simply use DR in the next sentences - and that would still be academically acceptable.

Lastly, your usage of citations is also off-tangent. I notice that you are using MLA citations. You can simply use the name of the institution or last name of the individual followed by the page number (if available) in the in-text version.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend [4]

Yanhong,

I suggest that you look into revising a few portions of your essay to make them easier to comprehend. Look into having a more direct approach to writing than adding lengthy phrases.

For instance, the last line of your first paragraph could be written as:
There are both drawbacks and benefits when a country is faced with the trend of a growing young population.
Another one could be for the last line of your second paragraph wherein it can be phrased as:
This causes the government to spend heavily on housing.
When you are laying down facts, avoid articulating it with uncertain language. Make sure that your language is firmer. For instance, avoid mentioning "may cause" or "might be" - instead, you can mention that these are all plausible results. This will make your article sound well-thought about and researched.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. It appears to be an extended paragraph that can be divided into two different sentences than one. Make your conclusion clear and concise.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 on maps / hydroelectric dam [3]

I suggest reviewing the usage of articles. Let's look at, for instance, your first paragraph. The article is supposed to be a instead of an before the word hydroelectric.

Watch out for instances wherein you use contradictory words to explain your thoughts. For instance, mentioning "almost totally" can appear to be confusing. Instead, you can save space through removing the "totally" as the almost is indicative of something incomplete than something that is concrete. I suggest rephrasing these words.

I also suggest being more straightforward with your usage of words. If you reread the text and feel that you may omit some words (mostly articles), then feel free to remove them to make your essay easier to comprehend.

The essay's last paragraph also is quite inconclusive. You may add a sentence at the very end that will focus on wrapping up what these significant changes mean for the dam itself. You can be more creative here than technical just to better the flow of the narration.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Money on protecting animals vs human well-being [3]

@anhpnguyen
To create a more natural flow in your essay, I suggest rephrasing some of your lines. Remember that when you're writing, you are writing with a specific flow in mind.

Let's take your first paragraph. I would rewrite this as:
Animals are indespensible companions of human beings because of how they offer assistance in many ways.
I suggest that you alter the last sentence of your first paragraph. An opinion would be better utilized in an essay if you could extend your argument. You could mention a shortened version as to why your argument is in this light. You can also just quickly say that there are benefits to retaining the government's budget allocation.

I also suggest revising your points of discussion in the essay. Because the subject of zoos and animal testing can be crossing an ethical line, it would be better to opt for a discussion on other ways that animals contribute to the well-being of humans. You can discuss, for instance, the topic of why ecological diversity is vital for human beings - or perhaps look for something similar.

Aside from this, a couple of faults come from grammatical errors - all of which can easily be altered through rereading, proofreading, and editing your essay once more.

Scholarship / How this particular study can help me achieve my career goals [2]

I suggest mentioning more than what you have provided here. A well-thought out essay could help boost your applications. Academic institutions appreciate it more if you could expound about the particular skills that you wish to hone. You can talk more about your passion to teach in the future, for instance. This will enhance your application, making sure that the evaluators understand what values you treasure in life. Aside from that, it is always helpful to talk about the academic environment of the country you want to study in. Discuss here what makes Australia "high-quality" - or perhaps you can also discuss what makes this specific academic institution a perfect fit for you. Discuss what you can offer to their academic environment.

Letters / One of your friends in a foreign country is starting an import-export business, and he has asked you [3]

I appreciate how straightforward your letter is. There are a couple of technical suggestions that I would like you to look over.
Firstly, I suggest that you look into your usage of demonstratives (those, that, this, these). There were some instances wherein there was a misuse in this. This can be a minute mistake that can be overlooked by some, however professional writing requires this to be fulfilled.

Secondly, the opening of the third paragraph of your letter should be reevaluated. There is no need to mention how it is a must for you to do so. I suggest that you simply open up directly that these objects are fully recommended by you. This can help with reducing redundancies in the narrative.

Lastly, you may find it useful for you to switch the second and third paragraph. This will create a better flow for your essay. I find that your current third paragraph is suitable to support why these products are marketable.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2: discuss both views of choosing subjects at university [3]

I suggest revising how you started your second paragraph. To remove redundancies and create a more comprehensible narrative, you can omit the first phrase "on the one hand" because it does not contribute anything substantial to the essay. When making claims, make sure that you back them up with details. You can, for instance, discuss more about why careers are flexible over time.

You should as well reevaluate your usage of demonstratives, punctuation, and other grammatical tools. You should omit or avoid usage of unnecessary articles. This will make your writing structure better.

Look into using better transition words in, for instance, your third paragraph. Here's a revision suggestion for this paragraph's last lines:
It financially helps students with tight budgets when the curriculum is narrowed down to only the most important subjects. This will relieve students of unnecessary study time. Therefore, this can result to them having more time for activities that are beneficial for their mental and social health.

Here's also a general rule of thumb in academic writing: if you feel as though you can divide a sentence into two lines, opt to do that than creating heavy paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / ''Help me with my process: How bricks are produced'' [3]

@dungpharma97
I suggest looking into finding better transitions for your essay. Avoid straining your sentences by extending unnecessarily the lines. For instance, your last paragraph can confuse readers as to how the two compartments delineate.

You can mention a line that is similar to this:
After the first compartment, the bricks are moved into a cooling chamber.
This will require more alterations for the paragraph, however it will ensure that readers are aware of the shift of environment of the bricks.

Writing Feedback / "Parents should be free to decide whether or not to vaccine their babies" ARGUMENTATIVE ESSAY [6]

@freshjul287
I suggest that you review usage of articles and other grammar-related words. You should as well look into subject-verb agreements. There were a couple of mistakes scattered throughout the essay that I believe can easily be fixed through reviewing those material. The person above is right about capitalization.

There were instances in your essay wherein you should have omitted a few words to better the flow. For instance, your third paragraph is heavily structured. You could avoid this through creating shorter and more straightforward sentences. If you feel as though you can opt to make two sentences out of a single one, then it is best that you do that.

As for the content of your essay, it seems a bit imbalanced. You had two paragraphs dedicated for the benefits - however, you only had one that discusses the possible risks. While I think that this is because you're leaning more towards the benefits angle than the risks, you should still try to balance.

Furthermore, argumentative essays have a specific tone in them that is absent in here. Your essay came off more as an informative one because of how it articulated everything. Try refuting more than you are establishing claims.

You're on the track. Just make sure that you follow through with your tone and structure.

Scholarship / Educational background and desire - Why I deserve this xxxxscholarship? [2]

I suggest self-reviewing your essay. There were a few grammatical errors that involved punctuation, demonstratives, and conjuctions. A lot of these are noticeable in the manner in which you transition your words. By doing this, you will have better structure to make your essay easier to digest. Other than that, you can create a better rhythm for your essay if you cut down sentences. Tailor-fit and omit unnecessary words. This will enhance the readability of your text.

Speaking of structure, I suggest moving the second to the last paragraph in between your current first and second. After a self-introduction about the basic details about yourself, you can then tackle directly that you are applying for the scholarship. Afterwards, you can begin talking more about your background to assert your application.

In terms of content, your essay is quite packed. I appreciate that. It is great that you spoke in-depth about your experiences. I only suggest that you attempt to be more specific when you're describing your prospective plans. Discuss what specific parts about the program you are excited about.

Best of luck to your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Letter to college administration showing interest in a course [3]

Is there a word count for the letter to be written?
If not, I would suggest that you talk more about your background. You can start by expounding on the skills that you have, what you can provide for the college, and the plans that you have for the future. Talk about why specifically this program - or rather, these courses - will make you grow both professionally and personally.

Furthermore, you can also discuss more about the city and country that the college is located in. Herein, you can discuss about what makes their academic environment the most conducive when it comes to llearning. The more you can get into the details, the better it will be for you.

I also would omit and replace the last sentence with something else more enthusiastic. You can perhaps say something along the lines of:
I am truly in awe about this opportunity. I would be grateful to be given the chance to work with you.

Scholarship / Fulbright Personal Statement - study in the USA would be beneficial [3]

On a technical angle, start with reviewing your grammar usage. You had run-on and hanging sentences. There were a couple of instances wherein you dragged sentences longer than they should have. Let's look at your first paragraph. Study punctuation, demonstratives, and conjunctions. These three (true - even with most cases I have read here) are where most ESL learners struggle with.

I would have phrased your second to the last sentence as:
Women who have tragic events happen to them because of staying out late are subjected to scrutiny.
This is a more straightforward approach to relaying your story than adding unnecessary parts. Apply this method to your essay.
I also suggest looking into shortening your conclusion or last paragraph. There were instances wherein you dragged sentences longer than you should have. Omit what you can omit.

If you plan to talk about the influence of Daniel Kahneman into your career decisions, talk more about his work. Do not be afraid to go into details. Show enthusiasm about the field that other people may not even think about.

I also suggest merging paragraphs six and seven because they are directly correlated. It would better the structure of the essay. This is also because the thought from the sixth paragraph is still incoherent.

Also, look into rephrasing your last paragraph. Or if you want to retain the content, choose to add one paragraph that will expound more on what makes the education system of the United States better in terms of this field. What can this other country offer that your home country cannot?

Best of luck to you.

Writing Feedback / Find some strange rules of the university in the world [2]

Check your capitalization. Ketchup, not unless you are referring to a specific brand, is not supposed to be capitalized. Titles and names of associations or organizations are to be capitalized, ie. President of the National Association of Municipal Catering Managers.

You can compress your second paragraph to be better. Instead of utilizing two lines, create better flow and structure through saying:
There are two reasons that have made me agree with the school's view.
Is it required to have limited word count? If not, research a little bit more and add supporting details to your reasons. It will help discussing why these traditional values are important. What is the correlation of traditional food values with ketchup? How does ketchup influence the country in this manner?

Moreover, you can quantify what you mean by the health benefits of cutting off sugar. Discuss the quantity of sugar in ketchup. Is it really that bad that the entirety of ketchup has to be made illegal? Remember small facts like the fact that there are multiple types of sugar - and not all these are necessarily bad for someone's health.

Writing Feedback / The controversial idea to give longer prison sentences in order to reduce crime rate [4]

@katkat
Firstly, please review your usage of conjunctions, demonstratives, and punctuation. You may also utilize the oxford comma as much as you can as it improves how professional your writing is.

Let's look at your first paragraph. You can rephrase it as this:
The differing views regarding crime reduction juggle between long prison sentences or social alternatives. My opinion is that mitigation can be easy to control the issue at hand.

This is a more straightforward way to open your essay. It does two things: introduce the general problem and show your personal views regarding the possible solution.

Your second paragraph is filled with unnecessary words that lengthen it without adding content. This can be detrimental, especially if you're working within a word count. You can omit the fillers and transition words, ie. using "to begin with in the second sentence when you have already started with "on the one hand" is redundant. When you're transitioning in between sentences, make sure that you apply this same habit.

For instance, the third sentence in this paragraph can be phrased better as:
The day by day suffering caused by intensive physical punishments minimize the likelihood of re-offending.
These tips should as well be applied to your third paragraph. You should as well avoid introducing ideas in the last sentence of your paragraphs. This can cause a discrepancy in your essay. If you cannot expound on a thought, simply try to integrate it in the body - or you may as well opt to remove it.

Enhance your conclusion through adding an extensive critical analysis of the two points you have presented. Why is one more appropriate than the other? Introduce a criteria to justify your essay's claims.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 2] Museums and the entrance fee - different viewpoints [3]

Your essay is constructed nicely for an argumentative one. Let's look at a couple of possible revisions to enhance it.
I suggest revising your first line. If you reread it, there's an unnatural tone to it. It would be better if you had switched the structure - do the subject first before you introduce your predicate. This will make the writing more organic.

If I were you, I would phrase it like this:
People have varying viewpoints when speaking of whether it is appropriate or not for museums to charge an entrance fee.
To get better at this skill, I highly recommend reading your essay out loud. This will make you grasp if a text would roll off your tongue smoothly - or would merely be dragging. If it's the latter, consider revising.

Proceeding to your second paragraph, the third line can come off as off-putting. What specific skill and knowledge are you referring to that people would "acquire" from visiting? Delving into specifics can help. Perhaps you can tackle cultural intelligence acquisition from visiting these areas.

You may also add more details to your summation. Talk a bit more about the comparatives.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - the figure for internet usage [3]

@yanhong
I suggest moving your second paragraph to the last portion of the essay. The text was pertaining to a conclusion, however you had not presented the data yet. It would be better if you expound on this first to create a structured inductive method of essay writing. You should as well try to omit unnecessary words.

If I were you, this is how I would have written it:
A considerably large percentage of young adults use the internet in the periods shown. In contrast, there were less older people who accessed the internet daily.

This is a more straightforward approach than needing to stretch your sentences. Dragging your sentences unnecessarily can
I would also suggest that you change the way in which you transition your paragraphs. Let's take into consideration your third paragraph. I would have phrased the first sentence as this:

Aged 16 to 24 occupied an 80% percentage of internet users in 2003. This led to a peak of 100% in 2005.
This removes redundant words and punctuation. If you streamline your words and arrangement, it will create a better structure overall for your essay.
Check as well your usage of articles. There were instances wherein you could have omitted them to better the flow but had still used them.

Research Papers / Social media's negative affects on society [2]

There are a couple of things that I suggest you look into.
On a technical level, I would look into cutting some of your paragraphs into smaller chunks. Or what you could also do is shorten your sentences through removing redundant words, hanging thoughts that do not contribute positively to the context, and unnecessary "adjectives" that float around. If you wish to retain a majority of your text, I suggest that you try cutting your paragraphs into two separate ones.

Remember that in a typical academic essay, there are only 4 to 6 sentences in a single paragraph. If you exceed, it appears dragging to the readers. This rule wasn't established just to avoid hefty texts. A good writer knows how to be straightforward and to condense his thoughts easily.

I appreciate the overall structure and content of your text. You should make your essay easier to comprehend and grasp through tailor-fitting these details.
I do suggest, however, trying to balance your argumentation. It's insufficient when you only showcase one side in an essay. It is vital to acknowledge, for instance, how social media has helped the world. Discuss the benefits of social media before introducing its flaws. In this way, you will truly convince the readers that the negative effects are worth not to be overlooked. You can do this briefly before your second paragraph. Treat it almost as a second introductory text.

Lastly, look into preventing repetitive lines. Let's look at your last paragraph. While conclusions are supposed to somehow remind the readers of what had transpired in the essay, avoid being redundant. You could have said, for example, that social media's lack of regulation has resulted to the miseuse of its content - instead of mentioning all over again that the accessibility from this promotes violent acts.

You're on the right track. Just work on condensing your thoughts.

Writing Feedback / Which is needed more: formal qualifications or practical skills to do the job better? [3]

You have a tendency to drag your sentences. You can observe this even from the first sentence. You compress too much information into a single stream of thought. This stresses the readers. To avoid this, I suggest segregating your thoughts.

I would, for example, phrase the sentence like this:
Today's competitive world causes people to work on vital skills to enhance their job-seeking opportunities.
Packaging your thoughts this way makes your thoughts clearer and easier to digest. It is straightforward.
I also have a couple of key questions that could guide you in the content of your essay:
1. In line with your first essay, could you say that there are indispensable fields of knowledge that cannot be fully replaced by practical skills?
2. Is the educational system not pursuing enough innovative efforts to potentially move away from the traditional experiences?
3. What particular qualifications do you think are necessary and which are not?
4. Does your argument regarding child labor truly fall through? Most people would mention that the cause of child labor is not the demand for practical skills - rather it is because of poor labor and child protection laws in the country.

These types of questions can be avoided through creating more concrete assessments of your arguments. Ensure that you have data to back your words. Insert examples into your essay to strengthen it.

Lastly, your concluding paragraph also is hanging. You could discuss more why, in reference to your essay, you think the approaches are varied for a reason. Discuss why these two can co-exist. Discuss why they do not invalidate each other, rather why they support each other's purpose in the working environment.

Graduate / MBA application Essay draft, the 'spikiest' pictures with the explanations. [3]

Watch out for your misuse of prepositions, punctuation, and other grammar-related tools. I suggest reviewing these fundamentals to enhance your academic writing. You should also go through proper capitalization rules.

For instance, I would rewrite the third sentence of your first paragraph as:
Ever since high school, my parents have set two goals: get married before thirty and buy me a taxi for that wedding.
This is a more compressed and clear version. It ensures that you relay the information in a formal manner.
I also suggest looking into reviewing your usage of tenses - or how you incorporate these tenses into the sentence structure. There were a few mistakes, for instance, in some portions of the last sentences for the first paragraph.

What you could have done was write it as:
I am aware that my English cannot compete with native speakers. However, I believe that learning a language is like running a marathon: that it is, after all, a process of accumulation.

As for your second essay. I suggest shifting your introduction. You had introduced late the idea that the world's issues should be prioritized by students such as you. It would benefit your essay to put that before you began talking about the team you work for. I also suggest enhancing your arguments on the correlation between getting an MBA and helping people. Talk about how businesses do social outreach programs. Talk about the value of these programs.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Writing Task 2] : Discuss both views in penalizing villains. [2]

Welcome to the forum!
I have a couple of key suggestions to your essay.
Avoid dragging your sentences. You can create a better rhythm and structure overall for your essay through shortening your sentences. Omit what you can omit.

Take, for instance, the first sentence of the essay. I would have rewritten it as:
There are two angles when it comes to sentencing: fixed punishments and flexibly determined case studies.
Your sentence structure also is quite loose. What I mean is that you have a tendency to let your thoughts continuously flow without using guidelines. You should as well be wary of your verb and tense usage.

For instance, let's revise the last sentences of your second paragraph:
For instance, Saudi Arabia punishes theives by cutting off their hands. It is said that this deters people from committing the crime. Still, there are people who posit in opposition because they believe it is unjust to implement this.

There were other smaller mistakes sprinkled throughout the essay. For instance, "wrong-targeted" is not a word that would entice people to listen. You could say that it is a wrongfully placed penalty instead as this is more formal than the former.

The summation can be enhanced as well by adding more details. Conclude your essay through talking about how flexibility in punishments paves way fora more an equalized approach to the justice system.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Why money should not be spent on finding life on other planets [4]

The flow and structure of the essay is sufficient. There are, however, a couple of small revisions that I suggest you do.
Your first introductory paragraph is quite lacking. I would suggest adding more details to have a better flow. You can, for instance, introduce why institutions, agencies, or organizations are doing this. Tackle their motive, and then you can briefly discuss why you disagree with it. When you make mention that you are opposed to it, you should give a brief description as to why. You do not need to mention all the points in the essay, however you should tap onto why it is necessary.

On a small note, I also suggest revising the statement line by saying instead:
I strongly oppose this because _______.
This is a more straightforward approach.
Moreover, I also suggest rereading your essay and looking into your usage of preposition and punctuation. There were instances wherein the misuse affected the quality of the essay. In addition, looking into synonyms that could be perfect substitutes to make the text look more put-together can also help.

Let's look at your second paragraph. The first line can be rewritten as:
First, there is little reason to financially invest in finding a new home outside Earth; this money can instead be utilized for finding sustainable solutions.

You should avoid making vague statements. What do you mean by "such systems" that Singapore applied to its factories? How exactly does the national forest preservation work in the country's case? Discussing specifics can add substance to your essay to strengthen it.

The second to the last paragraph has to reviewed as well. Which criteria have you utilized to conclude that it isn't worth it to have 1B USD as a form of investment for the spaceship? If you could provide more quantitative data on it, it would contribute to your essay.

I would also suggest looking into revising your conclusion. Why exactly do you think that these ambitions are out of reach? How negative is the impact of having these ambitions? The more specific and direct you are, the better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Along with men, should the army recruit women? [3]

I suggest revising your first paragraph. You can input additional details that can enhance your writing. For instance, try answering fundamental background questions about the topic. Why were women not allowed before to join the army? Why were both genders treated differently when it comes to their physical capacities? What were the traditional perceptions towards both genders that have shaped this idea? This can improve the substance of the essay.

Regarding your second paragraph, you can delve into why women previously had weaker staminas. If you claim that the gender has now "significantly improved" in the field, then discuss the potential causes of this. What changed in the world that made women have more physical empowerment?

Afterwards, you mentioned how women have a higher level of attention in comparison to men. It would contribute to your essay if you could explore this biological difference. If you cannot, avoid making bold claims as it can affect the overall quality of the essay.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. Have more substance in this section as you wrap up your essay. What is your personal take on this? How valuable are women to the army?

As I always say, the specific you are about details in your essay, the better.

Writing Feedback / A police force carring guns will encourage a higher level of violence? [4]

@dmdxw
Watch out for your small grammatical mistakes. I suggest looking into your usage of punctuation. This is easily fixed, so I don't feel as though I need to nitpick.

Review your usage of prepositions. For instance, in the last sentence of your second paragraph, you could have omitted "on the" and simply said "meanwhile" but you chose to merge them together. This causes unnecessary length that does not contribute anything substantial or technical to the essay.

When you're starting your essay, I suggest that you delve into questions that can help you develop the flow of thoughts in your essay.

You can these ones:
Why were police officers historically not allowed to carry guns at work?
What has happened in the world that has changed the policies regarding gun usage in the police force?
Why do people fear policemen carrying guns?
What does this signify about people's perception of local security forces?
Try your best to be particular when you are developing your narrative.
What type of training do these police officers go through?
Are there other safety nets imposed by the state or the country that can deter possible misuse of guns?
You may add statistics or first-hand data to back-up your essay.
Watch out for run-on sentences. As a general rule, remember that if you can cut sentences into two parts, opt to do. This can help make your essay less dragging to the readers. What you can do as well is to revise the essay until the flow and structure is better.

For instance, we can revise the second to the last paragraph's first sentence as:
Aside from that, the possibility of police officers to lack sensible judgement can cause the deaths of innocent lives.
Lastly, please reread your last paragraph. There were a few hanging lines that could be easily fixed.

Writing Feedback / Government invest in the arts vs public services [3]

Let's look through your essay carefully.
In your first paragraph, you can see a lack of substantiation on your introduction.
Why is there a discrepancy regarding the perspective on whether or not the government should financially invest in the arts?
Why do some governments believe that it is worthless to spend money here?
Where do they believe that money should be invested in instead?
If you could briefly analyze status quo, then it would better the flow and content of your essay. Discuss why these perspectives exist, and make your argument in accordance to that. Also, keep in mind that paragraphs should be at least 4 to 6 sentences long. Anything less could be indicative of a lack of content and weight to your essay.

I would also watch out for instances wherein you drag your sentences. If you could package your sentence in a shorter and lighter manner, then it would improve your essay's overall flow.

For instance, the second sentence of your first paragraph can be:
There are a few who argue that art has no valuable contribution, therefore making the government believe that it should not financially invest to it.

Finding your flow to better the essay takes time, however it is worth it. Try rereading your essay multiple times to ensure that you are on the right track.

Regarding your first point about art's contribution to society's expressionism, you should create a stronger correlation. Most of the examples you gave were individual displays of how art helps people. However, it would be helpful to the reader if you could elaborate on an instance wherein art was able to truly shape the world. Discuss an artwork, for instance, that has helped revolutionize people's perceptions towards an event. Discuss how art contributes to shaping a wider scope of people. A good example could be the usage of effigies in protests.

I think that your essay superficially touches on the question that is given. I would, however, suggest that you look into discussing more about the government's current investment to social services. How do you think the government should prioritize budgeting in social services versus allocating money to, for instance, the arts sector? Where should the government draw the line?

While these questions may seem to be shallow or common sense, it is appreciated if your essay can accomomdate to fundamental queries such as this.