Writing Feedback / ELECTRICITY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES [3]

@Krystal318
Technicalities-wise, I would recommend that you try to use more appropriate (ie. words whose meanings are more in line with what you want to relay) words when you're creating sentences. Keep in mind also that academic essays require that your tone of writing should be kept within a standard. You should also opt to remove portions of the text that are redundant, unnecessary, or do not add a lot of substance into the entirety of the content.

Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay in relation to this.

In your first paragraph:
Since the beginning of the use of electricity around 200 years ago, the world has changed in a multitude of ways. This has brought light to people; consequently, this has helped humans in an array of things - from simple things, chores, to grander things, space traveling. [...]

In the second paragraph:
[...] Another concern was the lack of light after the sun has set. [...] (The explanation about how others in the past have a stronger communal connection because of the lack of electricity can be omitted because it does not fit in the context of the essay/the goal of the essay.)

In the third paragraph:
Well-lit days is necessary for activities. [...] Electricity also assists in fostering communication. [...]

You should also be wary of your lack and excessive usage of articles. This can have an impact on the organic flow of your essay. Alongside this, be cautious also of the forms of verb you are using.

For instance, in your last paragraph, the third sentence should be:
The benefits brought by electricity are countless.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Master of Commerce - How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

Be wary of the way that you transition your sentences. I have noticed also that there were sporadic instances wherein you had stretched out your sentences, creating lengthy structures when you could have opted for a more concise format. Once you can determine these portions, you will be able to save space in your essay; this will optimize the content that you have. Moreover, I would also recommend that you try to

Let's take a look at your first paragraph; I would revise the third sentence as:
The lack of access to funds is a frequent barrier face by SMEs; this is because of two standard banking assumptions that prevent giving out loans. Loans cannot be approved without collateral and credit history.

I would also suggest to be more cautious when using (or not using, in this instance) prepositions. This can significantly affect the quality of your essay despite being minute parts.

For instance, in your third paragraph, I would revise one of the lines as:
[...] The proposed study will equip me with concepts and skills necessary to identify and develop opportunities in launching a startup, new product, or service. Moreoever, this program also caters to both individual and group projects. [...]

Try to be careful of these small details.

Aside from that, because this is a study plan explanation dedicated for a program, I would expect you to be more specific. I have noticed that you merely mentioned that you are fascinated by the curriculum. It would be helpful if you could explain why and which portions of it specifically do you think are in line with your career. Having more in-depth details as to how this entire thing can contribute to your program can assist you in building more substance to the essay.

Best of luck.

Letters / Motivation letter for enrolling on the Master of Science degree in Public and Cultural Diplomacy [2]

Regards the technical composition of your essay, I would recommend that you try to be more wary and detail-oriented when you are constructing sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to have sporadic mistakes throughout the text; not to say that you cannot manage them, but looking over and rereading the entirety of the text to self-reflect will definitely help your essay. Watch out for punctuation (ie. look at paragraph four and five), preposition, articles, and hanging sentences (ie. sentences that do not have a distinct meaning to them ergo do not contribute to the essay's substance).

Furthermore, I would also recommend that you try to stay away from being too repetitive when it comes to terminologies. If you can merge two setences together that seemingly have synonymous meanings, you can opt to do this. Not only will it save you space, but it will make your essay more direct. Having hold of techniques such as this can assist your essay in the long-run because you will be able to have more clarity. Remember that while evaluators tend to have more patience when it comes to reading motivation letters for admissions, they are also driven and lured by texts that are short and sweet. Keeping it balanced is the key to getting noticed and remembered.

Let's take a look at your essay in detail. If I were you, I would revise the second paragraph's last two sentences as:

Underscoring the importance of incorporating cultural ideologies in peace-building and community development, policies should be curated in accordance to the variations present in society.

Notice how attempting to merge together two sentences while still remaining the meaning of it all would enable you to have more value within shorter texts.

I would also suggest that you can omit other details that are not related to your career, passion, or educational background (ie. the fact that you like playing baseball and football). These types of information are not necessary not unless you can link them back to the goal of your essay: to convince them that you deserve a spot in the university.

Mentioning world-class scholars like Galileo Galilee or Leonardo is also quite far-fetched. You should instead mention scholars within your field who may have either graduated from this university or from the country itself. Mention reputable people that you wish to emulate in the future. This will make this portion of your essay more in line with the goal.

While I think that your essay's last three paragraphs are quite sufficient and showcase a good level of passion for this particular goal, I would still opt that you try to be more specific with what you mean. For instance, you can mention courses you are looking forward to, professors within this university that you wish to learn from, or any country/university-specific experiences.

Be as in-depth as you possibly can. Best of luck!

Scholarship / My curiosity about machines. Supporting statement for Australia Award scholarship 2020 [5]

Is there a word count for this essay? If there is, I would recommend maximizing the space through omitting words that are unnecessary. If there is not, try to be more communicative and substantiate more through giving more details on your essay. You should also try to leverage your writing to be more academically proficient.

Having said that, let's try to implement and revise a couple portions for technicalities.

Since my childhood [...] machines, especially their structures, functions, and processes. [...]

Note: You have to be consistent with your usage of forms for formality purposes.

I finished my Mechanical Engineering degree with a passionate curiosity for machines.

Note: You should try to restructure your sentences to maximize space. Try to also insert adjectives that can display emotions vividly to showcase how devoted you are. Watch out for misuse of preposition. It is also informal to start a sentence with "so".

After five years in the work, I transferred to a department of an SME wherein I was responsible for providing services in my locale.

Note: Try to use the word version of the number for formality. It should be wherein because you are coming from a place/location-based text. You can also replace in my region to locale as both are synonymous (however, the latter appears more specific to an area within your jurisdiction). You do not need to mention the entire meaning of SME (ie. note that you can use acronyms for terminologies that are easily recognizable; it will still be appropriate).

In [insert country name], SMEs play a major role in economic development. However, given that they run on traditional platforms, they lack competitive knowledge in their respective sectors.

Note: Try to be more specific and concise. Notice how instead of using too many sentences that are complex, I tried to elevate the writing style through making a coherent sentence that can display the same thought as the one you were attempting to relay.

A lot of this is implementation of technique and knowing how to curate appropriate texts. It is also helpful to seek for second opinions; if you cannot, personally rereading your essay to learn from your own mistakes can also be beneficial in the long-run.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Today some people have to work away from their family. What are the advantages and disadvantages? [4]

@dohoa
Speaking of technicalities, I would advise you to be wary of the following: punctuation, length of sentences (ie. dragging sentences longer than they need to), overburdening your structure (ie. making complex ones when you can opt for simpler ones), and incoherent lines.

I recommend that as you are rereading and revising your essay, you should try to be more aware of small details that can influence the overall flow of the essay. Try to replace parts of the essay that can have more appropriate content. Try to also watch out for possibly becoming lazy when it comes to constructing your sentences (ie. using the word very instead of allocating a more in-depth adjective).

Let's take a look at some portions of your text and revise accordingly.

Being away from home can help people focus on tasks, resulting to quicker promotions. [...] It does not matter what we are doing; when we put all our energy into it, we can be efficient and innovative. [...]

Notice how I tried to move around the word forms in the first sentence to create more of an organic flow. I also removed the word very in front of efficient as the latter is already indicative of quite a high performance attitude (therefore is unnecessary to put too much). Creative is a word that can also be interpreted in many ways; try to be use synonymous terms instead.

I have also noticed that you had a tendency to keep repeating specific terms to pertain to family members. Instead of doing this, you can opt to say that they're your immediate family. Doing techniques such as this can make your essay writing simpler and yet effective in relaying the same line of thought.

If we go more in-depth in the third paragraph, I would revise the last portions as:
[...]
In difficult situations such as sickness and work-related challenges, we tend to seek for our family's companionship more as they take care of our well-being. From my experience, even though my husband cannot always find a solution to my issues, he will listen and encourage me to be decisive and brave. Therefore, there is less confidence in work and life when I am without him.

Being precise with your words is pivotal when you are curating essays. Be wary that your sentence structure can impact the overall quality of your essay, therefore you should opt to try and spice things up through having more organic content.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The immigrants should whether form their community or adopt the new local culture [3]

I would recommend having less complex, more concise sentences for your essay. Seeing that the essay also requires you to have more substance in terms of description, I would recommend that you try to be more descriptive with your content.

Let's take a look at your essay and revise a couple of portions.

[...] With the new environment, they need to either engage in the local lifestyle or form their own culturally-specific communities that maintain tradition. [...]

[...] Firstly, as these immigrants are the minority, they have to acquire socialization skills to live harmoniously with natives. [...]

Note: Notice how I had omitted a huge portion of the text and instead integrated it into the larger picture of your sentence; doing techniques such as this can improve your essay's overview. Furthermore, you were unclear as to what these immigrants have to acquire upon their immersion. For instance, you can mention socialization skills as I have - or perhaps delve into other integration issues that are commonplace in these types of metropolitan, multi-cultural cities.

Trying to replace your words with more appropriate and specific content with help you elevate your essay's structure. Furthermore, it will also help if you evade aggressive tones in academic essays as they are informal and do not contribute anything analytical to the content. Remember that even when you are reporting observations, you should maintain a neutral tone to ensure that you are able to facilitate the right judgement.

Try to be more specific with your wordings as you are structuring your essay. Try to also be consistent with the forms of verb, terminologies. You can always try to proofread your own essay, seek for second opinions, or simply consult your grammar books to ensure that you are on the right track.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about your accomlishment you have had [3]

@Honglinh1996
Given that you are only given a paragraph, I would opt that you try to be straightforward and yet detailed. You can accomplish this through creating more concise content that does not beat-around-the-bush (so to say).

In terms of the technical composition, I can revise certain portions as:
My recent success is being at the top of the class; this has helped me develop a lot of qualities. Firstly, I developed a sense of confidence. [...] But my life changed when I began a new life for high school in Ho Chi Minh. [...] And eventually, I was in the first class by the end of the year. I was proud of my accomplishment, talking to my peers about it. This helped me gain friends. Furthermore, I cannot deny that persistence is a factor in my success. [...] I spent only three hours sleeping every night. Although I wanted to give up, I was determined to keep going.

Try to be more specific with the way that you phrase things. If you can evade mentioning the same words over and over again, it will be better for your essay. Always look for synonymous lines that have form-fitting structures that are more academically in line with your overall text.

Best of luck!

Research Papers / Impacts of Depression and Its Effects on People. Second greatest reason for disability in the world [3]

Watch out for the formatting of your text; always make sure that you are following the conventions of writing. I would recommend that you try to reread your essay and revise portions that are off-putting. I have also noticed that there is inconsistency when it comes to the form of verbs/words that you are using all throughout your essay. Try to be more wary of these things. The tone of your essay should always be informative and assertive, not informal and casual (ie. characterized by usage of terms that are not academic).

Let's take a look at your essay and revise certain portions.

For your introduction:
Depression has detrimental effects on the productivity of an individual's lifestyle: addiction to the abuse of drugs and substances, withdrawal from social circles, loss of sleep, poor performance in school and/or work, and possibility of neglect of their personal or social lives.

Notice how shifting around the arrangement of the structure of the words can help your essay have a more fluid flow. Notice how I had also merged together your thoughts on how depression affects their social lives and omitted the idea of broken marriages as the former already falls under the latter. Creating small changes like this can have a massive impact in creating more concise messages.

[...]
Even with the illness being ranked by the World Health Organization as the second most populated disability, only ten percent of the affected receive treatment.

You can opt to omit portions that are necessary. Try to be also utilize terms that are easier to understand (ie. instead of saying second greatest reason for disability, I mentioned that it is a populated disorder).

For your background and description:

[...] From another perspective, the depression is defined as a medical, syndrome-based disorder. [...] In this approach, a common pathophysiology has presumed set of signs and symptoms that occur altogether; and this will be accompanied with varied etiologies in different conditions. This helps in defining depression from mild to severe occurrences.

For the causes of depression:

[...]
This inhibits the ability of an individual to concentrate on tasks at hand, causing a reduced level of productivity on social and economical activities.

I have observed that in comparison to most essays, your academic composition is excellent; I would only recommend that you try to be more wary of your forms, preposition, and the overall tone that you are creating as you are writing. Remember that informative essays require that you try to maintain a neutral tone (therefore, avoiding as many unnecessary adjectives - not unless you are describing conditions) throughout the text. Best of luck!

Grammar, Usage / Help me with my research presentation and not plagiarizing! [3]

For as long as you cite, it won't be counted as plagiarism. This is applicable in most cases - even in PowerPoint presentations. Therefore, the texts you have provided will all not fall under plagiarized content because you were able to cite the original author. If you are using the original text, better either text block or use quotation marks. If you are revising or paraphrasing the content to make it more concise, it would be alright.

Writing Feedback / Money and social status as a factor for a career choice [3]

Try to use more appropriate words when you are constructing your essay. Notice also how you structure your sentences; ensure that you use appropriate words as you curate the context. It would also be helpful if you can rearrange your sentences to follow a more inductive pattern - doing this can enhance the content.

Let's to revise a couple parts of your essay.

Money is unable to purchase happiness, however it can lead to a fulfilling lifestyle. A lot of people consider salary and benefits when deciding what profession to partake in. While there are others who pursue their passion, money is an inevitably crucial factor when choosing a career. [...]

Notice how rearranging the structure and flow of sentences can lead you to have more concise content for your essay. Always take into consideration that as you are writing, trying to follow a particular style or pattern is critical to have a more dynamic flow for your essay. Moreover, I would also say that trying to minimize the possibility of you repeating words is also important. When you find yourself repeating the same terms over and over again, opt to retain only one and try to seek alternatives that are synonymous.

Try to also not be lazy when you are describing scenarios in your essay.

For instance, I can revise certain parts of your second paragraph as:

Firstly, it is difficult to deny that money leads to better life quality. [...] If people merely follow their passion for career choices, they forget the economical perspective; they will have difficulty persevering in a competitive society. [...]

Notice how instead of mentioning that it is a too hard of a choice to make, I mentioned that it is a difficult choice. Having hold of these synonyms is pivotal when you are constructing your essay. It can help you in having more effective descriptions that can lure the readers more.

Apply these comments to the rest of the essay. Best of luck!

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose (SOP) for industrial engineering (mtszfa) - to candidate for a Master's degree [4]

I like how you opened up your essay through a quotation. This is an innovative way to begin your composition. However, I would recommend that you should be wary of the way that you construct your sentences. I have noticed that you have issues when it comes to the forms of words, transitions, and the general formatting of the sentences. To evade this issue, you can always seek for proofreading; or if you cannot, you may also opt to create simpler sentences that will help you in the long-run before you proceed to using complex lines.

I would also recommend that you bear in mind that it would be more organic if you do not start your sentences with the qualifier/intensifier so. While this is acceptable in conversational English, written/academic essays should not utilize this as it is inappropriate. Try to seek alternatives that can carry a similar expression; or simply try to start the paragraph naturally.

If you can become more cautious with the way you construct sentences, you will be able to construct sentences more effectively. Remember that efficiency, creativity, and simplicity are all noteworthy skills when you are writing. Trying to be consistent with forms is also essential.

Once you get these technical aspects out of the way, I would recommend that you try expounding more on why you have chosen this particular institution. Discuss why you have chosen the university, what courses you are particular excited about, and how this will all contribute to your long-term career goals. The more specific you are, the better it will be.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / How Lauryn Hill's Album Defines What It Means To Be Human [2]

Citations should always be placed at the end of sentences, not in the middle. This is applicable to all formats. Keep this in mind as you are writing.

I suggest that you try to create more concise writing through removing redundant words. As we are writing, especially academically, we have a tendency to utilize words that are non-noncontributing to the essay's substance. While these words do not do cause harm, it would helpful for you to polish your text through removing these words. These are mostly just add-ons to the essay's overall structure.

Try to create comprehensive texts that avoid repetitive words. If you find yourself using the same words, always try to play around with the sentence structure; if there are no alternatives, try to use synonymous terms. This can help with creating more organic essays that flow naturally.

Try to be more cautious with your punctuation placements. I have noticed that you have a tendency to misplace them; a good simple practice that will determine portions that necessitate a comma (or any punctuation, for that matter) is that as you are reading the texts, if you feel as though you need to pause in a specific portion, it is likely that there should also be a mark placed here. While this is not a golden rule, it can surely assist you if the determination is troublesome; keep this in mind as you are writing your essay.

If you find it difficult to follow through with conventions, I suggest that you try using simpler languages as you are constructing your sentences. Doing this can immensely help you in the long-run as you are writing. Academic essays, while a level of complexity is appreciated, do not necessitate the usage of laborious methods. Especially if you are creating informative essays, the goal is to relay the information efficiently.

Being cautious of the way that you construct your sentences will take you a long way.

If we take a look at your sixth paragraph, you also had committed the mistakes that I was indicating above.

[...] There is a notion that having a child will affect the success of women in the workforce; therefore, women are often pressured to choose between their career ambitions or child-rearing. If a woman cannot make the decision, they have to juggle motherhood and their careers at the expense of their child. Studies have shown that mothers are employed to benefit the child in the long-term (Hoffman). Yet, women are forced to deal with these societal pressures. [...]

In the succeeding paragraph, you had the similar mistakes.

[...] There are songs such as "Nothing Even Matters" and "When It Hurts So Bad" that give different perspectives to being in love. The first relays positive feelings that come with romantic relationships, while the latter expresses the struggle of being in a relationship. [...]

Remember that as you are writing, you should always try to be consistent with the forms of verbs that you are using. Doing this will help you evade potential mistakes when it comes to the overall construction of the sentence.

Keep all of these in mind for the rest of your essay. Best of luck.

Scholarship / Help me review my scholarship essay under the following headings. [2]

Try to simplify your language as you are writing. Doing this can immensely help your essay as I can observe that you are struggling when it comes to sentence construction. Once you have grasped the fundamentals, playing around with the structure would not be an issue anymore.

Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay.

In your first paragraph:
There are two main reasons why I wish to acquire this scholarship: to develop necessary skills in electric power distribution and to afford the costs of studying in the United Kingdom. Nigerian graduates are usually described as unemployable by people in the industry; therefore, holding a Masters degree from a reputable school in the UK would bridge this gap. [...] Such exposure is necessary in conducting research for the development of science and technology in countries. This opportunity serves as a means to gain knowledge to improve the oil and gas industry - and consecutively, the country. [...]

In terms of content for this portion, I would highly suggest that you try to be more specific with your options of intent. For instance, how specifically does the oil and gas industry help your country that you would need to mention it in the essay? While you have mentioned this in the succeeding paragraphs, it would be helpful if you could mention it earlier - briefly, at the very least. If you cannot, I suggest moving this portion of discussing and merging it with the concluding remarks of your essay.

In your last paragraph, I would revise certain portions as:

Furthermore, after having worked and creating an impact on the industry, I would like to obtain a PhD in the future with hopes of working in a Nigerian university. I aim to foster our knowledge for prospective engineers in the country. [...]

In terms of overall content, I can say that there is an imbalance with your discussion. You had extensively discussed the oil and gas industry in Nigeria; however, you were not able to expound on the discussion of what this degree means for your personal career development. I suggest trying to make concise the first and second parts to have more space for explaining your long-term goals as these are all equal in terms of weighing in on your scholarship application.

Best of luck.

Graduate / I'm looking forward to apply for the online masters in data science - SOP essay [2]

The structure of the essay is messy. The arrangement of the thoughts is quite inconclusive because there is seemingly no direction when it comes to the starting and ending points of each individual paragraph. To resolve this, you should try to either decide if you seek for the essay to follow through either inductive or deductive patterns when it comes to the overall structure. Doing this can help you differentiate and create a viable format that is easier to understand for the readers.

What I would suggest is try to start with a historical timeline of your career options or your passion for the field. If you can discuss why you have begun to be interested in this path, you will be able to proceed to discuss more of the technical reasons as to how this program will be in line with your long-term goals.

Try to also utilize more academic language and tone as you are writing. Doing this can create a more formal approach when it comes to your application - a detail that is surely appreciated by evaluators.

When you're struggling to create your sentences, make sure that you try to always use simpler structures. Doing this will help your essay evade fundamental problems to be avoid miscommunication - or a failure of relaying the right information.

You should also be wary of your capitalization as you have a tendency to place this in areas that do not need it (ie. in your third to the last paragraph, fraud does not have to be capitalized unless you are referring to the Internet Authentication and Fraud Prevention program).

Writing Feedback / Right vs wrong for children - IELTS Writing [3]

@widyakusu
Argumentative essays are supposed to provide a detailed push and pull discussion as to why a particular thought is preferred over the other. While it is genuinely true that you would need to display this through explicitly mentioning it in the concluding remarks, you should also ensure that the tone of your essay complies with these requirements. Having said that, I have noticed that while your essay creatively expresses your thoughts, it lacks an informative and assertive tone. It is noticeable how you jump into conclusions without necessarily justifying the details. I would recommend that you try to be wary of this.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in accordance to these guidelines and a few technical issues.

In your first paragraph:
There are devastating issues on moral education that emerge every once in a while. Numerous programs that explicitly portray criminality and immorality flood the channels. This has caused the rise of blame on the educational system. There is a proliferated idea that the system should implement punishments as a means to teach students the difference between good and bad deeds. [...]

Regarding the concept of the first paragraph, I would recommend that you try to find a different status quo to discuss. If you wish to use the portrayal of criminality and immorality in media channels as a reason why this has to be discussed, you should try to reestablish a direct connection between the both. What I would suggest is that you open your essay through introducing the current state of the educational system and how it reinforces moral attitudes in its current structure and inner-workings. Then, you may proceed in discussing as to why it is essential that they change this. This is a more effective introductory approach.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to simplify the sentences that you have.

For instance, in your second paragraph:
Punishment is an activity that gives sanction to an act to reinforce ideas. These punishments often are represented by beatings and scoldings. [...]

Try to always be consistent with your usage of words. Once you have done this, you will be able to have a more organic flow with your essay. Try to also strip down your sentences into the basics. For instance, notice how I had omitted mentioning that I am defining what punishment is and simply made mention of what the act means in this context. Both of them are synonymous methods of portraying the text; however, the former is more crowded with unnecessary texts. Learn this technique and implement throughout your essay.

In your third paragraph:
Secondly, punishments create terrifying environments wherein students may seek legal actions. If an action is widely accepted, this can be even more threatening. Giving out punishments would cause generations to perceive the act as a commonplace event therefore normalizing the behavior. [...]

I would recommend that you try to create more comprehensive, detailed content regarding the points in your essay. It is still unclear in the end why these cons outweigh the possible benefits of punishments. You may, for instance, discuss how these punishments influence pessimistic behavior that would affect students in the long-run.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The inconvenient that a computer bring to us [2]

Watch out for the forms of the words you are using, especially if you are using multi-purpose ones that do not have a specific definition to them. Having hold of this takes consistency, knowledge, and determination in knowing how to apply what you know about English grammar.

Let's take it step by step and revise a couple portions of your essay.
Computers play an important role in our lives. It has multiple purposes: learning, typing, and other educational-related tasks. However, there are disadvantages to using computers in real-life. While it brings convenience, it can also bring about multiple concerns. This essay describes the disadvantages of the real-life usage of computer.

Notice how because you are making an argumentative essay about a particular device, it is only right that you generalize it (ie. saying computers). You should also ensure that you try to use concise terminologies to reduce the word count that you can use in more productive and substantive ways (ie. from combination of lots of effects to simply saying that it has multiple purposes). Trying to curate text with more concise words is essential, especially if you plan to take academic writing tremendously by its sleeve. Try to evade words that are informal (ie. saying that computers are cool is unnecessary and does not contribute to the essay's overall theme).

When it comes to your second paragraph, I have noticed that you struggle when it comes to verb tenses and the general sentence structure.

For instance, a couple revisions I could make:
One of the most [...] that we meet is its complicated nature. When discussing money transfers, usage of computers would make it easier. However, this is not applicable to all. There are difficulties when it comes to understanding the processes. [...]

In the succeeding sentences, you were discussing how shameful it is not comply with online payment methods. This is not an academic statement. What you can perhaps say is that the complexity of payment methods makes it difficult for companies and individuals to keep up with the constant technological changes. This is a perspective that appears more informative rather than offensive.

Try to keep these in mind as you are rereading and editing. Best of luck!

Graduate / 'great investment for my future' - Motivation Letter for MSc in Data Science [3]

While the formality of your introductory paragraph was clear-cut, I recommend mixing it up a little bit with descriptive sentiments of why you want to partake in this program. You mentioned that you would want to meet your long-term goals through enrolling in the program; you can perhaps expound that through being more specific. Introduce right off the bat that this is the specific university that you have been looking at to enroll in. Mention how excited you are about their curriculum. Doing this will set you apart because a lot of applicants simply mass enroll in multiple universities for their studies without necessarily targeting a particular one. If you can be more specific to this application, the better it would be for your application.

In terms of structure and grammar, I would revise the following:
My four-year undergraduate program [...] of my interest in achieving in-depth knowledge in the area of Machine Learning. [...] My interest in these fields became clear; and my passion for quality software development strengthened during my first internship.

In the next paragraph, it would be appreciate if you could make mention of who this mentor is. If you personalize the essay this way, it would make your intentions clearer in the application materials.

In addition, consider the following revisions:
[...] Both my work and mentor have inspired me to continuously learn about the industry. In addition, my mentor expanded my perspective through showing me that computer science is more than just building fancy looking applications for big paychecks. I was dedicated daily research tasks that helped me understand data processes in model-building that have predictive capabilities to be used in our everyday life. [...]

I suggest that you create an entire different paragraph for your discussion on how the diversity of backgrounds has influenced you to interact with people more. If you wish to correlate this to the environment of your prospective university, you have to first discuss your observations on how they conduct socio-cultural relations among their students. Once you have established this, you can conclude easier how its environment would assist you in developing these interpersonal skills.

The next paragraphs are sufficient in relaying these information. I would only then recommend that you try your best to be more specific when you are discussing the program itself.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 _ The level of satisfaction with the healthcare system in four countries in different years. [3]

In terms of data interpretation, I recommend that you be more wary of your phrasing of words. Being more specific and creating delineations can go a long way. For instance, when you are concluding that both the Canada and the Netherlands have both decreased within the period, you can mention how the former country was able to recover while the latter has steadily declined after its peak. Creating these more specific observations can help you have more control over your essay's structure.

For instance, you can revise the second paragraph as:
It is clear that satisfaction levels in Canada and the Netherlands have decreased - with the former experiencing a slight recovery from 1998 to 2006. The United Kingdom and the United States, on the other hand, have experienced a gradual increase. [...]

Knowing that these tests are bounded by word counts, you can try to make your sentences more concise through merging and omitting words.

We can try applying these techniques to your third paragraph. I would suggest phrasing it as:
In 1991, Canada had the highest proportion of satisfied people with 57%. The USA is considered as the lowest with a mere 10%. [...]

In this revision, you can choose to omit the last sentence regarding Canada's fluctuations in terms of approximate levels of satisfaction as the preceding paragraph already indicated this. There's no need for you to repeat these data as you have already made mention of them.

While it's necessary for you to be specific, try to avoid these repetitions to optimize the space you have for working.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Obesity solutions - More children in developed countries are becoming overweight [3]

The structure and formatting of your sentences are off at times. I recommend that you try to be more concise with your words.

Remember that you are not supposed to capitalize nouns. Capitalization is reserved for pronouns, acronyms, etc. For instance, you do not need to capitalize obseity and the word due. But you were on point with capitalizing Canada. Knowing these delineations is vital when you are writing academic essays.

I have also noticed that you have a tendency to use sentences that are quite complex. While these are acceptable, I recommend that you try to utilize simpler terms to have more a firm, substantiated format than relying simply on complexity to have leverage.

Let's apply a couple of these recommendations.

In your first paragraph:
Children in industrialized nations are gaining weight. Obesity is turning into a vital concern. This essay is an in-depth discussion of the issue, capped with my personal observation.

Technological and scientific innovations has brought a lax lifestyle that has changed drastically children's lifestyles. In addition, the food industry is swarmed with processed foods from meats to sauces. Parents' exhaustive lifestyle has made it difficult to find time to cook fresh meals; it has become easier to quickly buy in stores than to spend time cooking. Children have become numb to the food, causing adverse health effects.

In terms of content, while I appreciate the effort of inserting your own experience, I do think that the insertion of this into the text is quite off the track. I would recommend that you try to use more substantial and heavy weight examples such as mentioning an instance in your life wherein someone was burdened with obseity because they were focused on their work. Discussing these more in-depth examples would give you more leverage.

I would also recommend that you change your concluding remarks to something similar to:
The lack of physical activities accompanied with unhealthy eating habits has led to long-term concerns for the nation. Because the labor force thrives on productivity, ensuring that the people are able to maximize and function effectively is pivotal.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, we all have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using several sources. [4]

@alessandra_dac
Try to merge together similar sentences to create more substantive paragraphs. Alongside this, you should also create a more inductive pattern for your essay. Doing so will enable you to have more direction and flow as you are curating your sentences. Once you have done this, I would also recommend that you add a brief introduction to what the structure of your essay would be right from the beginning. You only introduced this portion at the end of your essay as a concluding remark. I would recommend that you try to incorporate it earlier so that the development of your content would be directed towards this.

Let's try to revise a couple of parts:
Nowadays, we have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using multiple ways. While libraries and book stores are helpful, there is increased accessibility to information because of digitization. The internet has made learning materials free to use.

[...]
Learning by ourselves lets us manage our time. We can study when it's most productive for us - whether it's in consulting sites during work breaks or travel days. This has also allowed us to study at night if we run on tight deadlines.

While it's important to have concise language when you're writing, it's also important to keep an academic tone. Ensuring that you have conventional sentence structures is a fruitful way to hit both at the same time.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Meiko's fifth treasure story [2]

Your grasp of language is to be appreciated. Aside from this, however, I would recommend that you try to revise a couple of portions that seem to not flow organically.

For instance, let's try these lines:
Meiko, a little Japanese girl, had her hand hurt when America dropped an atom bomb to two cities in Japan. [...] She called calligraphy the fifth treasure; it made her brush dance across the paper to fill the word-pictures with life. After the horrid accident, Meiko felt as if she has lost the fifth treasure, making her incapable of controlling the brushstrokes the way she used to.

When you're mentioning numbers, it's more formal to write it out rather than putting the number as is. You should also try to have more hold with how descriptive you make your words out to be. Try to always follow conventional rules in writing, ensuring that you create complete thoughts as you compose.

In your second paragraph:
Meiko had to live with her grandparents at the farm. Her parents stayed behind in the city to treat patients from the bomb. She had lost her desire to go to school as students were taunting her for her oddly-shaped hands. A guy named Akira continuously scowled at her. Yoshi, her best friend, tried to help her regain her confidence.

Her school had conducted a contest on brush strokess; Yoshi immediately nudged her to join. While Meiko was initially reluctant, being taunted by her Aunt Hisako made her change her decision. "You don't want to be a coward, don't you?" She said.

You can try to observe the techniques that I had used in these paragraphs and implement them to the rest of your essay. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / METHODS Section: Factors that Influence the Destination Choice of International Students [3]

You had a comprehensive output on describing your methods. I would only recommend that you try revising to create more structure and/or dimension to your writing. Alongside this, you would also be able to create more concise sentences.

When you're describing methods, I would also suggest that you try to use present tense - not unless, of course, the study has already been accomplished fully. If it's a proposal or an intuitive academic essay, this is appropriate.

APA citations should always be placed at the end of the sentence - never in the middle.

Try to always use full words instead of numerical symbols to make it more formal.

Let's try to implement these suggestions, so you may see what I am referring to.

[...] Students who are on pathway programs were excluded as their aims are distinct from the target audience (INTO Study, 2019). Twelve respondents are selected [...]. The sample covers seven different countries and courses to be representative of the international student population. [I suggest inserting here a brief explanation of why this method maximizes representation.] The same number of exchange and degree students were recruited for comparative purposes.

Notice how using specific terminologies can help you cut down your language. For instance, instead of needing to mention that the exchange and degree students are to be recruited to be compared to this and that, you can simply say that it is for comparative purposes; this is more self-explanatory and simpler overall.

Try to implement these techniques. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Ielts-Writing-Task2-divorce rates skyrocketing recently [4]

Try to utilize more academic structures when you are writing. Briefly, this only means that you should try to omit phrases that are quite uncertain. Instead, you should try to be as informative as possible.

Keeping these in mind, let's revise a couple portions of your text.

Compared to fifty years ago, the rate of divorce has been increasing. This raises uncertainties about the establishment of relationships. This essay will discuss the reasons why and present viable solutions.

Notice how I was able to establish synonymous content with yours while cutting down the number of words. This is pivotal when you are writing academically because of all the restrictions in place.

Furthermore:

In the past, men earned money through working, while women stayed at home to look after their children. Due to the rising cost of living, both parents are now forced to work. This has caused an increase in stress levels among couples, resulting to separation and divorce.

In the succeeding paragraph, note that you should eliminate words that imply lack of in-depth knowledge on the issue. For instance, you should say that your proposition is an effective solution rather than saying that it could be the most effective method. The former implies an academic assertion, while the latter is quite indecisive and uninformative.

Moreover, revise these lines into:
[...] The government is mandated to provide financial compensation to families that need it. For example, they can form a criteria that determines eligibility including the number of children a family has. [...]

Keep these in mind the next time you are writing. Try to be clearer with the intent, structure, and the thesis statements of your essay. Best of luck!

Letters / Master Germany Computational Engineering - has to answer to questions why FAU and why this subject [3]

A couple of notes on capitalization. Master's and Bachelor's should be capitalized alongside the word Winter Semester (primarily because this is indicative of a formal setting for the academic calendar).

Regarding your essay's content, while I appreciate that you have attempted to give as much background information as you possibly can, it would also be beneficial if you delve more into the personal side of the story. Your second paragraph contained a glimpse of this; it would be appreciated if you could expound it further.

The first half of the essay also appears to be messy. I recommend merging together paragraphs with similar content to have more direction and flow.

The rest of the essay is quite decent and sufficient.

Best of luck to your application!

Scholarship / Application essay for Short Summer Research Program in Medical Science [2]

While it is great that you are able to provide a comprehensive output utilizing various writing techniques, you should try to create simpler sentences in certain portions. It can be unnecessary and dragging to have to continuously read through complex sentences; it should always be balanced to create a more organic tone for your essay.

Aside from this, I would also recommend that you try to minimize repetitive adjectives when you are being descriptive. While adjectives are useful when it comes to showcasing your passion for a program, I suggest toning it down too at times.

In terms of grammar, I did not find any pressing issues for you.

Best of luck.

Graduate / Media Industry - Essay for scholarship of Bournemouth University [3]

I would change the introduction into something that will be able to truly hook the evaluators. Perhaps you can start the essay with an anecdote of your personal experience that has made you drawn to this career; afterwards, you may proceed to clarifying the intention of the letter and your purpose. You can also opt for a quotation that someone may have mentioned to you for your application.

In terms of substantiation and content, your essay is spot-on already. I can observe that it is able to provide your comprehensive background as to why you are taking this - and including why you have chosen this path for the long-run. What I would wish that you include is a discussion on why you have chosen this uniersity. You touched merely the surface level of this in the beginning of your essay. However, if you can provide a more in-depth rationale that can showcase your genuine interest in the field, that would be beneficial for your application.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / HOW VIDEO GAMES POSITIVELY INFLUENCE TO STUDENTS' LIVES [2]

I would suggest revising your introductory line to something along the lines of:
There have been discussions on the benefits and harms of playing video games.

This direct to the point and informative format would be beneficial for your essay. While your formatting is alright, having lengths such as this can be dragging for readers (especially if you are doing academic or informative essays).

Watch out for the punctuation that you use all throughout.

Moreover, keep in mind that paragraphs are intended to have four to six sentences. I have observed that your paragraphs have exceeded this; therefore, I would suggest that you try to evade this for the purpose of standardizing your essay.

The concluding remarks can be improved. The brief summation in this portion is sufficient; however, it can be appreciated if you could potentially expound on the second paragraph.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / WRITING PART: PROFITS OF READING BOOKS [2]

Grammar and composition would both need to be worked on. Try to also use formal/academic language to establish an informative tone. While you have satiated the base requirements for a paragraph-long essay, you need work on your substantiation to create more concrete content.

Let's revise a couple of points in your essay.
[...] It has affected directly the development of civilization. Mankind has been immersed to its advantages. Because reading has brought in-depth insight to society, reading certainly has assisted in the improvement of knowledge. It is vivid that reading has sharpened our knowledge and skills. This has enabled human beings to learn from the experiences and failures of the past to potentially avoid it in the future. Moreover, reading has brought relaxation to our lives. Because of this, we may conclude that it is a useful task to partake in.

Words such as by the way and the phrasing of the third sentence are all inappropriate when you're constructing formal tones in your essay. Ensure that you will always try to evade these concerns through following through with conventions and rules.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Short essay on immigration (IELTS task 2) [4]

Watch out for your usage of punctuation. Note that there were instances wherein you could have transitioned your sentences better through using appropriate punctuation and remarks.

Remove excess texts that do not substantially contribute to the essay.

Let's look at the first paragraph as a reference.

Human beings are naturally nomadic. The proof is throughout history; large-scale migrations of different ethnicity groups to various parts of the globe have been discovered. These are scientifically proven by fossils remaining in the soil. Up until the 21st century, waves of migration persist. [...]

Using more academic terminologies can go a long way to improve the tone of your essay. Notice how instead of saying a large number, you can just say large-scale. This technique will help you boil down your essay tremendously.

I would also recommend that you try to explicitly mention and capitalize on the differentiation between the second and third paragraph. Notice how the former is a historical account of migration, while the latter focuses on its modern-day accompaniment.

Doing things such as this will help your essay tremendously.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The shopping sales on the Internet in four different sectors in Canada [4]

Maximize your space for essay writing through omitting the usage of words that are unnecessary. Evade repetitive lines that drag your content. Especially because you are doing an analytical essay, a straightforward and yet informative approach will bring you optimized results. Learn to transition your sentences.

Let's revise a couple parts.
The two pie charts give information about internet shopping sales in retail in four different sectors in Canada between 2005 and 2010.

Overall, it is clear that sales of electronics, appliances, and home furniture increased slightly - while the other two sectors dropped over the same period.

There is no need to place an article before home furniture.

In 2005, electronic devices held the largest sales with 35%. After five years, sales fell to 30%. [...]

Notice how straightforward that sentence structure is. Doing this is helpful when you're simplifying your content. This is especially useful if you are beginning only with tests. Play around with complexity later on once you are comfortable with this pattern.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Statistics of underground station passengers in London during the period from 6am to 10pm. [3]

@Christinaduong
Unless you are referring to a formal pronoun, underground station should remain to not be capitalized. Omit lines that are not substantial to the essay. Instead, allocate these words (as you are working with a word count) to more necessary content. Try to create structures that are less dragging.

Let's revise a couple of lines.
The line graph illustrates data on the number of underground station passengers in London from 6 a.m to 10 a.pm. Overall, it is clear that the highest numbers received by the station are at 8 a.m and 6 p.m.

You should also keep in mind that consistency is important in writing essays. Do you plan to call them passengers or commuters? Stick to one and do not stray.

I would also recommend looking into alternatives of what you can say instead of continuously mentioning the time stamps. For instance, if in a succeeding sentence you are still referring to the same time stamp, you can just mention that it is within the same duration. As long as it is synonymous and applicable, use it. This will help your essay tremendously.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / How do you plan to lead a project or create awareness on Poverty Eradication in your home country? [2]

What I suggest that you can do is directly contact smaller educational institutions and create campaigns within these smaller communities. This is not as grand as other recommendations, however it would be beneficial for you as it would be easier to facilitate when within these smaller groups. Furthermore, I would suggest that you try tailor-fitting this to the demography of the people within this parameter. What I can suggest is that you can try to implement creativity campaigns marked with using posters and sentimental banners that you can sporadically place around campus. This can be a more innovative approach. You can also ask for permission from the school to administer room to room campaigns that will tackle the issue in-depth; I would argue that this is far better than merely approaching the establishment with a seminar because it's more personalized and intimate to the audience.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The advantage of study in college (Respond Essay) [2]

A couple of key revisions...

In your first paragraph:

[...] there are 190 000 job vacancies that require a college degree. This has raised over the years. On the other hand, jobs that do not require the degree decreased to almost 6 million. There are numerous debates about whether or not a college degree is necessary. [...] Conversely, some think that the degree is unnecessary because they believe that it does not guarantee a well-paid job. [...]

Notice that you do not need to continuously and repeatedly mention college degree altogether because it you can opt for using synonymous terms and changing around the structure of your sentences. Additionally, you should also evade using words that have more academic alternatives. For instance, not necessary should instead be unnecessary. These are minute mistakes, however it can benefit your essay exponentially.

When you're citing sources, it should always be placed at the end of sentences. Evade putting it elsewhere.

Try transitioning your paragraphs in a different manner also. The structure and manner you have right now is quite confusing; I'd rather that you use proper transition words such as "moreover" in order to showcase a more explicit movement between your paragraphs. Doing this can also enhance your essay's flow.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people prefer team sports rather than those which can be played individually [2]

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I would also recommend looking into using alternatives that are more appropriate when you are constructing your lines. Using relevant articles can also go a long way in your articulation.

Let's revise the first paragraph as a reference.
With the myriad of benefits of playing sports, they have become increasingly prevalent over the years. Therefore, it is daunting to decide which sport to join. Some people prefer team-based ones to the individual ones because of the advantages. I assert that both of them have their own respective virtues.

[...]

Notice how I had switched a to the in the first sentence because of the more specific implications of your context. Furthermore, I also had ensured that I omitted portions of the text that are unnecessary to create more concise structures.

Creating these simpler and yet more forward lines can be beneficial for your essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Teaching a foreign language at primary school is better than secondary school. Discuss pros and cons [3]

Try to use words that are more academic by nature. These are words that do not create a casual tone - instead, they are able to emphasize on the functionality and informative side of your essay. Having these words is tremendously helpful when you are constructing useful lines that will help you curate viable content. I suggest revising with this intent in mind. Play around with the structure and composition of your essay to make sure that you maximize the space that you have, especially because you are working with word counts.

Let's revise a couple of portions.
The introduction of the internet triggered the emergence of online courses that teach foreign languages. Everyone has a chance to be exposed to these, therefore allowing students to have the ability to be proficient in these languages earlier. This phenomenon has advantages and disadvantages to the learning process.

Always try to be consistent with the forms of your words. This is vital to ensure that your proficiency is maximized.

Evade using words like may usually implies uncertainty in your words. Having words that implicate that you are assertive and have in-depth knowledge on the topic is preferred at all costs.

While the progression of your thoughts in the essay is impressive, I would say that you need to be wary of stretching your information too thin. For instance, in your second to the last paragraph, having such a jump of conclusion regarding learning a language leading to lack of memories and apathy is troublesome.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph with 140 words about anything that you are interested in life, work, school, etc. [3]

@thach102
I think that the direction of your essay would be dependent on what you would want your essay to contain. Intent is vital when you're trying to create direction for your content. Having said that, because this is a more casual type of essay, the approach would also be a little bit boiled down than other forms of content. Using appropriate words is also a useful technique to learn.

Let's take a look at your essay in its entirety and revise a couple of portions in accordance.

[...] and enjoying parties, but I do not anymore. [...] In recent years, I have made a life-changing decision to start reading more books. I have started following the minimalist Japanese lifestyle, making my life more simple and less troublesome.

Because the structure of your essay right now can be quite messy. I suggest that you introduce the concepts that you want to discuss early on. This can assist you in building a particular theme.

For instance, I would put the following sentence after discussing how you think that a friendly get-together can waste your time:

There are two hobbies that have changed my perception: reading books and getting into cooking.

Remember these lessons as you write your essay once more. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Parents' responsibility in children caring_ Argumentative essay [4]

@Van_Anh_Meo
The transition between your sentences could be bettered if you structured your sentences in a more organized way. Watch out for consistency in your tenses also as this can affect the technicalities of your essay.

For instance, in your introductory sentence, I would opt to say:

Childcare in an undeniably vital skill for parenthood as raising a child is not a simple task. [...]

Notice how I had omitted the word important because vital is already synonymous as this. Removing words such as this can help you maximize the word count in your essay.

Try to avoid being repetitive with your words. If you can can, opt to minimize using the same phrases over and over again. Try revising and looking into alternative methods of writing down your lines to accomplish this.

For instance, in your second paragraph, I would write it down as:

[...] Without a doubt, essential knowledge gained through lessons on medical assistance for puberty-driven mood swings can result to improvements in childcare upbringing. [...]

Notice how I had trimmed down the sentence while still maintaining its core meaning. Doing this can help your essay become more concise.

The last sentence in the third paragraph can also be revised into:

More importantly, parenting skills are acquired naturally due to maternal and paternal instincts partnered with trial and errors.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Essay : Which achievement of Singapore which you interested most. [2]

Watch out for your tenses, punctuation, capitalization, and related content. I recommend that you should be more cautious as well of your sentence structures. There were instances wherein you had created confusing sentence structures. As you are starting out your paragraph, ensure that your first sentence (the topic sentence) would contain all relevant information. Accomplishing this will ensure that you will have a steady direction for the essay.

Let's try to revise a few parts in relation to that.

I would suggest the following for the introduction:
Singapore is branded as Asia's Tiger Economy. A leading country in economy, education, and healthcare, it has experienced rapid developments over the years. [...]

Notice how I tried to make formal the words that you placed. I also tried my best to ensure that I am able to relay the information regarding as academic as possible. Moreover, try to evade using repetitive lines. Instead of saying more and more, try using the word rapid. Instead of saying years and years, try saying just over the years. These techniques will help you pick up a formal tone in your essay. While I know that you find it necessary to repeat certain terms (education, economy, medical/healthcare, etc.) repeatedly, try to find synonymous terms or determiners to tame it down a little.

Apply these all throughout. Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Short essay, topic: what can you do to make the school greener? [4]

Watch out for the forms of verb that you use.

Evade using terms that are repetitive or synonymous to each other. This creates overbearing sentence structures when you could have opted for simpler content.

Don't capitalize unnecessary terms not unless they are proper nouns and/or acronyms. You can always look up what words need to be capitalized and which do not.

Use synonymous words that would help you create a specific tone that is appropriate for your essay.

Let's revise.

Environmental issues affect the world. This has made environmental protection imperative. Each student holds the key to the future; it is part of our responsibility to make a greener world with little steps. [...]

Notice how I had trimmed and cut down your first sentence through making it more straightforward. This is a concise manner of approaching essay writing; and I would argue is better when you're writing academically. Furthermore, I also had changed the forms of certain words to create consistent wording.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists only [2]

A few key terms I want you to work on: punctuation, grammar, and preposition.

In terms of substantiation of content, your essay is sufficient. You have well-developed and sub-divided your thoughts into clusters. I would only suggest that you try to be wary of the forms of your words. I have noticed that there were instances wherein you needed to cut down your language to create more straightforward content; doing this will help you minimize mistakes as well.

Let's revise a few parts.

The main reason why local people do not engage in museums and historical sites is because of their familiarity.* The government puts on displays items that are reflections of historical lessons; this only draws tourists because of their unfamiliarity. [...] For example, Vietnamese museums displaying guns and warships from the wars are heavily toured by foreigners. [...]

*It is unnecessary for you to mention that tourists pay for these attractions because it does not align with the intent and content of this paragraph.

I would suggest omitting the last sentence here because it's a mere repetition. Try to conclude your paragraphs in a better light. For instance, in this sentence, you can discuss perhaps that these events are often traumatic scars for the local people; hence, they do not find it as fascinating to tour these areas.

Try using more specific examples for your content.

Best of luck.