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Posts by jadore_lamode68 [Suspended]
Joined: Dec 31, 2011
Last Post: Jan 10, 2012
Threads: 6
Posts: 37  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 43 / page 1 of 2
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jadore_lamode68   
Jan 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a typical engineering family' - Purdue University [4]

1. Yes, however adding experience is only good if you say what you've learned from it about yourself, or how much you love engineering.
2. Mmm the last paragraph take some risk which I don't think really work. I think you need to go deeper into the programs you like about Purdue and add the specific names of the alumni and what they've done. Also when you talk about making the likes of others better it sounds a tinge like your looking down on people, perhaps think of a way to say that being in Perdue's engineering program not only condition you to be a greeeaaat engineer but a leader on all fronts of human enterprise... idk just my opinion.

Otherwise great essay!
All the best luck,
I hope this helps
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Facebook: A double-edged sword - a current scientific or social controversy [3]

Well written essay! I liked how you didn't say what everyone excepts about facebook- that it wastes time and ect. Your essay was very eye opening- espeially the bit anout Ghandi. Great job! The only think I can think to change is the intro. I think its a tad weak compared to the rest of the essay. You could play off of your sister in the beginning.

Overall great essay!

Hope this helps,
All the best Luck
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I indulge in silence' - my commapp [10]

Thanks for your feedback! (and everyone elses) I think that would work really well, but I'm not sure how I should go about doing that.

Any ideas? Thankssss!!!!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'to the principal's office' - UNC essay [5]

I absolutely LOVE THIS! Its so heart warming and your vocabulary is very personal. But be care not to fall into the stand-back-up-again cliche, there are a few moments when your essay boarders on that. I like how you left out exactly what was the reward for going to the principle's office.

Nice job.
Could you take a look at mine please?
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'struggled heavily with depression' - Pepperdine essay [2]

Wow this is truly a great story although I feel like your narrative takes away from the response. You mention contributing your drive for service to the community but don't really expand on why or how you would at the university.

Otherwise well done!
Could you please take a look at my essay.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'becoming an Au Pair in America' - UNC essay [5]

I think the content of your story is very interesting-however the way you convey it with your word choice holds it back from being an AHMAZING essay.

If you used stronger vocabulary, the reader will gain a deeper sense of meaning and make some parts not seem so vague. But over all great job! You told about your summer without giving the conventional-typical format.

Thanks for your feedback and all the best luck!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I indulge in silence' - my commapp [10]

Thanks! Yah I made this while listening to a lot of acoustic indie stuff. Lol I know its a risk, a hit or miss thing. But I wanted to make sure its not tooooo abstract.

I still don't know if I'll use it but yah thanks!
Deff will look at your essay.

Thanks again
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / (Submit button) Emerson 'Title of Your Life Essay' 200 words [3]

OOoooo I really like this! Your response is so original and different, I feel as though it its a hit or miss which all great writing is.

I honestly can't find anything wrong with your writing. Everything is very clear and concise.
Good job!

All the best!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I indulge in silence' - my commapp [10]

This is the essay which I hope to use for common app!

Please provide any edits on grammar, tone, vocabulary choice.
Any feedback is much appreciated and will be returned ASAP!

Prompt: Topic of your choice.

:D

I indulge in silence. Though I find refuge in music, I revel in nothingness. I find comfort in the cadence and melodies that can not be man made- the blinking turn signal, the drip of a faucet not completely turned off, rain that beats insistently on windows.

I am an audiophile. I am alone in mental conversations where I create a hundred different perfect possibilities and situations.

I think of millions of things that are wrong: our generation living through the experiences of others posted on social media, the sharp words my father uses to antagonize my mother, and the distance grown between childhood friends.

I make a laundry list of simple pleasures- moments that becomes an inside joke, cleaning messy spaces, letting the opposition win in an argument- a make a note to do them again.

I am a people-person. Yet at some point, I gained deep appreciation for solitude. In eighth grade, when I fractured my mandible in 6 places- I could not talk. Dialogue came through means of a white erase board, which made the simplest chatter delayed and protracted. I spent a lot of time alone those six weeks which made me appreciate my voice, but silence even more. I never search for solitude, it always finds me- the hours awake before sleep, the moments I detract from conversation, the car rides to school.

But in that time I've found the perfect apologies for hurt friends, established a strong validation for my conservative beliefs, reasons not to get a tattoo-yet. Silence has spoken louder than all other noises since it has allowed my mind to run wild on many fronts. Some may claim its psychoanalyzing but I like identify to it as psychosculpting-creating and molding, observing and characterizing in a realm never exhausted.

It is non-addictive, free, non-fattening, catered to each's own.

I indulge in silence.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / Minutes Of Fame--UNC Supplement [3]

Very entertaining and interesting essay here.
I can catch the humor and sarcasm. But I didn't really gain a sense of what of hope to learn next or latest discovery.

Otherwise well done!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the audience was in shock' - extracurricular activity or work experiences [3]

I agree with rvonitter, although in a few sentences you've summed up your accomplishments and achievements through music very well. If you amp up the word choice and personalize the tone a bit more it will be perfect.

Overall Good Job! Your into is grand!

All the best!
I ope this helps and would find to look at my Personal Statement! :D
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'been on both sides of the fence' - Personal Statement [3]

Any feedback appreciated!

Will return the favor!

Thanks so much!

I have been on both sides of the fence countless times. Each facet of the picket has been intimately inspected, investigated, and scrutinized. My severely sympathetic nature has made me immune to walking solely in my own shoes. Instead my mind has fitted out each pair I encounter, feeling out the impressions and experiences that have contributed to each perspective. As an athlete, singer, honor & AP student, class representative, student & cultural ambassador I have seen life, school and other individuals from various perspectives whether it be engaging in a dialogue with school officials to make institutional improvements or as vice presidents of Model United Nations. My varying interest assured me that I would need a college which accommodated my need to wet my feet in a variety of things while providing me with a highly developed learning experience. Despite my diverse interests and chaotic life one thing has remained constant: my love for the study of human life. From a young age, biology had always captured me. As a child, I rejected the typical Barbies and sparkly paraphernalia for any tool which that might help me uncover a cure or unveil a scientific phenomenon. Eventually I hope to obtain a Md.PhD as biomedical scientist researching drug treatments or a Doctorate practicing neurosurgery, offering treatments to peoples of unreachable parts within third world countries. Coupled with this, I plan to pursue bachelor's degree in Chinese or French with hopes of studying and possibly living abroad.

Repression and dearth are like tree which have been dispersing their influence among Americans, its expenditures reaching far and wide; its trunk becoming more resilient with each generation. In my pursuits I will sever some of limbs of the tree and elevate the burdens of others.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement. Desire for knowledge and Math. [7]

I deff see that you've made major improvement in all your drafts. Overall I like the idea, but the word choice and vocabulary make it drag a tad bit.

If I were you I would stick to a tone that's interesting and SHOW rather than tell. Also you mentioned how great the Cornell programs are, but didn't mention the particular ones you were drawn to.

Great job though!

Thanks for help on my essay!
All the best!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'to kill another man?' - University of Illinois essay [5]

Perhaps you can talk about how you may never be able to face the man who killed your father or take back what he did but you can "take part in creating a world that will eliminate such situations" or "control the blah blah blah to my own success"...include something that ties in your father while paying tribute to where you plan to go in life.

Great essay though.
Could you help with mine?
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my place among poets' - University of Michigan- A Group You Belong To [3]

This gave me goose bumps. Its soooooo goood! Your ability think outside the box is deff present and word choice makes this an interesting read.

Honestly, the only thing I can think to say is that the ending is a bit abrupt-but I think it can work. No blatant grammar errors or style issues.

Great job! Thanks for the edits and all the best luck.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the Kimmel center' - WHY NYU? Supplement [8]

It's only in New York where one can find a Mexican, Indian, and Chinese cuisine on the same street. You simply cannot find food like this in any place but New York.==> Chicago too. :C

It seems the common theme is diversity..you could focus on that. Otherwise nice word choice, interesting read.

Good luck,
I'm applying to NYU too (ABU campus)
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Graham' - Brandeis - Common App Essay - Significant Person [6]

This is such a heart warming lovely essay!

I love the idea. When I was reading it I thought you focused a lot of time on the imaginary friend, but in the end it told me alot about yourself.

Great word voice and tone- very interesting read.

Thanks for the help by the way.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Mexican culture' - Yale/ Harvard supplement [15]

I think that your essay is really good. (I prefer the first one) It just runs the risk of being conventional a bit because of the way you talk about it.

I don't see the connection really between the quote and the rest of your essay. You talk about having two cultures as if it's a bad thing- if it is elaborate why.

I think you have something very precious here if you develop it.

All the best luck!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Autodidacticism' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement [6]

This essay is wonderful.

It reveals so much about you and your accomplishments and character without sounding pretentious.
I love it! I had to stop reading it since I felt so bad about my essays. lol

I really have to search for a fault, just maybe...yah I'm not gonna ruin this magic.

All the best luck, although you probably don't need any...
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - Newfound Love of Running [4]

I love that you've showed what running has done for you!
Running is my New Years Resolution.

But... I think that the only think that needs improving in this essay is the word choice and vocabulary. While your story is interesting, the way you word it is not...Try using a thesaurus to convey stronger feeling.

Overall great job!

All the best luck, hope this helps...
Please look at mine!
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'dedicated to the study of dance' - Stanford Future roommate essay [7]

Your telling not showing, which is why I think this essay is a bit on the conventional side.

Try giving more description which will not only share alot about yourself but be more interesting for the reader. Most college students plan to do the same things that you mentioned in this essay- what can you say that will make you stand out. Talk about which posters, or what type of music and I think this could be more successful.

All the best luck
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my first multi-pitch climb' - Why Swarthmore? Supplement [6]

I think this is GREAT! Its quirky and reveals a lot about you.
I think insted of "Whatever college life may throw at me, I think I am ready. " you could say something like " After nearly falling off a cliff, I know I'm ready for whatever college life will throw at me" something like that could tie in both ideas.

The me in a nutshell is a itsy bit awkward since the prompt is to simply describe yourself, so saying that is sort of redundant.

While the thing about your grandparents is really interesting...it doesn't say alot about you.

Other than that, you should try to vamp up your word choice and I think this could be amazinggggg.

Hope this helps.
All the best luck.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / (Performance career / Academic interests / Jazz music) - NYU ESSAYS [2]

Your responses, while the content is great, run the risks of being conventional.

In your first response you mentioned alot how "NYU has great programs" but failed to mention WHAT about them attracts you? A certain professor, class, opportunity, ect

The second is similar how you like the programs...WHICH ones?!?1 The broadway tidbit is really interesting. If I were you, I'd use that as your intro then talk about everything else. In my opinion it could be a great attention getter.

Overall you need to vamp up your word choice and vocabulary. Your transitions could be stronger - using "firstly, secondly, ect" is elementary.

You have something great here! Just use that right click, thesaurus, I know its easy to abuse but can be the difference between a good essay and a great essay.

Develop your ideas and personalize your claims and your essay will be awesome.

I'm applying to NYU to and I really hope I'll see you in the fall.
Good luck!!! :D
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh," Panic's frantic scream echoed in the cavernous cave. [10]

How did you get so many people to edit you essay!?!?!
As if it needs any work! lol

This is really amazing what you've done. Your vocabulary and word choice is right on.

I would maybe add another trait which an admission officer would find desirable. You mentioned being a "maximier" of sorts but you can

expand on that to include other things.

Just my opinion, best of luck
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'dialogue with amazing individuals' - NYU SUPPLEMENT [6]

Why NYU?

Any edits on grammer & style are welcomed.
Please don't hold back and thank you sooooo sooo much!!!!!!

My mother hisses anytime the term "homosexual" is mentioned on television. She scoffs at words like "Muslim and Latino" and at the utterance of "abortion" she is outright offended. Where my mother does not welcome views unlike her own, I yearn for diversity. It is my belief that the cultivation of all groups and perspectives creates solutions and ideas otherwise untapped. When Albert Gallatin founded the New York University in 1813 declaring it a beckon " graciously opened to all." he also commissioned the cultivation of knowledge from all spectrums, all endeavors, and all walks of life. Should I commit to majoring in biology, NYU offers incomparable resources and programs that will allow me to not just go to NYU but experience it. I will engage in dialogue with amazing individuals as we all embark on a journey to become pioneers that will leave our impact vast beyond our hallways and dorms as we are equipped for leadership on all fronts of human enterprise. I will have the opportunity to collaborate with renowned professors such as Chiye Aoki whose utilization of an electron microscope to connect the physiology of adult and adolescent brains to mental illnesses is not only astounding, remarkable and simply awesome but a testament that NYU professors are not simply educators but innovators in their fields. Attending NYU would allow me to become an organ of a new voice, among a population not found elsewhere-this generation x who will become the leaders, inventors and innovators of tomorrow.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'southern peasant with city dreams' - Why NYU? [7]

I love your essay! I felt like your words were like liquid poetry. The idea is GOLD!

If I were you I would try to look at specifics. I know you mentioned the Tishe program but adding another detail which attracts you to NYU would take this over the top.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'how diverse I actually am' - William and Mary supplemental [13]

Great ideas, although I think that the word choice could be stronger.
I don't think that listening too different types of music is really unique unless you use something really contrasting like classical Bach and hip hop Tupac ...is there any other area that you consider yourself diverse-languages, food...ect?

Otherwise I think you have a brilliant essay in the making if you go deeper to develop the ideas a bit more.
jadore_lamode68   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not going to keep playing violin anymore' - U-Penn [10]

Very well written. Defiantly showed not told, which many admissions officers look for.
I honestly can't think of anything wrong with the essay. Well written, nice tone, great introduction.

Please read my edits on my essay!

Hope this helps!
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Side eye glances. Concerned looks'; Why Engineering - Columbia University [2]

I think it starts off great...but looses a bit of gusto towards the end.Try to make it more personal...idk just my opinion. Maybe add an example of a problem that was solved through engineering if not limited by characters.

Last sentence could be stronger.

Overall great essay.

All the best.
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Lacking life' - What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? [3]

Great essay. Couldn't find anything majorly wrong.

You talk alot about how FIT fits you but not necessarily what makes you the perfect candidate...
I would just maybe go into a bit of WHAT you've done that makes you qualified.

Other than that I think its peachy perfect.

All the best.

Please help mine!
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I attempted to start a conversation' - common app essay [4]

Amazing essay. Although the beginning could be a little better in the description that rest of the essay has.
This essay epitomizes showing not telling.

I can tell that value family, like to try new things (goldfish), and have a strong work ethic.

All the best luck.
Please review mine!
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'want my hair back' - Johns Hopkins Supplement [3]

Your tone is simple and concise. Great job of conveying your story.
Think of how your can be more descriptive to pack a bigger punch.

I wear a hat every day-(hyphen) not because it looks pretty, but because I need it. My hair has fell out since Grade One.==> Kind of awkward instead tryI first noted my hair loss in grade one The first time I noticed the hair loss was when I was making the bed; a fistful of hair was spread out on the bed. I disregarded the potential seriousness of the problem and just forgot about it. Few days later, my mother made the bed; she saw more hair, and asked me if I have been pulling my hair while sleeping. I shrugged my shoulder, and again disregarded the problem. However, as time went on, I felt my hair was getting thinner. Frightened by the thought of becoming permanently bald , I told my mother, and we went to a hospital.
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'victim to creeping doubts' - SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE [4]

Promt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Does this do its job?
I need to convey a feeling of desperation and utter defeat followed by determination...did you feel it at all? If not what can I do to pack a more powerful punch?

Please, please, please offer any edits for grammer, or style.
Dream school is NYU!
THE MOMENT you lose interest. Please tell me!

Thanks!

At nine, I had fallen under the spell, like many others at my age to the glowing finger, flying bicycle, and Reese's Pieces of E.T the Extra-Terrestrial. The sole most disturbing and heart-wrenching scene, where E.T., gray and unconscious, lay dying in a stream haunted me. At the time, I didn't understand that the culprit of E.T.'s crisis was the thinness of Earth's atmosphere. He needed richer air to breathe.

And, symbolically, so do I. The academic culture combined with the personal trials I faced at the -high school withheld- made the atmosphere to thin for me. The ensuing environment kept me from expanding to my full potential. The school declared best in science by Intel, has its obvious challenges, and demands a student's full submersion in the curriculum and customs head first. However if a student becomes preoccupied with interfering individual concerns success becomes virtually unattainable. <==too pretentious?

My junior year was the root of my problems. I thought I was immune to spreading my self out too thin but I soon found that my varying commitments to co-circulars and clubs outweighed school work. Over all it was my year long Illinois Review Board approved inquiry seeking to correlate print advertisements to a disturbance in body image among females that drained me both mentally and emotionally. I found all my efforts put towards finding proof that would place some blame on advertising companies for using unattainable images of women to get consumers to buy their product, but in the process buying into their portrayal of beauty. Ultimately I wanted to help girls realize that they should seek to themselves to find beauty, but at the time I needed much help in another department.

All the while, my home situation left me unsettled, as -highschool withheld- is a boarding school, living away from is at first invigorating, but the lack luster soon wears off and problems at home were amplified and transparent. Personal dilemmas, from a friend's mental diagnosis to my own, bombarded me every week. At the conclusion of the term, it only made sense to transfer.

This is not to say impossible to face personal dilemma while at the academy, but with a declining social support and fleeting mental confidence that I faced, the task was daunting. Without a doubt, I expect that my undergraduate experience will have its serving bumps and unpleasant surprises but I know that I can seek personal power and strength to overcome them.

Looking back now, if I had I taken advantage of all the opportunities and academic supports available, continuation may have been on the horizon. Nonetheless the atmosphere at -highschool withheld- was suffocating me. The experience has taught me to always proceed every situation with a caution and approach of the same initial intensity.

Now, at my current school I am not only learning but thriving. Where I see faults or sense weakness, I look to family, friends, and teachers to suffice. When I saw that there was a lack of international awareness among the school, my friend and I created a club to promote awareness and discuss foreign relations. Where I noted a deficiency in the school's bag checking and lunch room polices, I helped initiate a dialogue between school officials which would ensure the success and safety of all students.

Nonetheless at times, I have fallen victim to creeping doubts; the most sobering thought for me these days is imagining myself ten years from now, aggravated and disappointed, continuously wondering "What if . . .?"

Where stand now and where I intend to go is compelling enough to fulfill me and assure me of a future devoid of any "What-ifs."
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Kimmel center' - WHY NYU? Supplement [8]

I think this is a great essay.
My only adicve is instead of saying "The view from the 8th floor of the Kimmel center was simply breathtaking. I looked down and saw the tranquil scenes of Washington Square Park and the many buildings that line the New York City Skyline." I would just SAY what you saw. I think that it would be a better attention grabber.

Just my opinion. :D

Hope this helps
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Fate of a responsible man. - common app essay [3]

You have a great story, but still could be developed a bit more to pack the punch I know this can deliver.
Turn up the volume on the description- don't just limit it to using adjectives. Remember show don't tell.

Hope this helps
jadore_lamode68   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'every side of the fence' - NYU, What Intrigues you? [3]

Does this do its job?
Is it boring or conventional?
Any edits for grammar or style are greatly appreciated.

Prompt:What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

I have been on every side of the fence. Each facet of the picket has been intimately inspected, investigated, and scrutinized. My severely sympathetic nature has made me immune to walking solely in my own shoes. Instead my mind has fitted out each pair, feeling out the impressions and experiences that have contributed to each perspective-even once traveling to the rugged oxfords of a fiend wolf. Yes, the infamous wolf of The True Story of the Little Three Pigs! By A.Wolf. This newfangled version of traditional tale, paints the antagonist in a brighter light, creating the three pigs into several mischievously unbelievable characters rather than blamelessly fraught. I loved the book not only for its charming and vastly creative watercolors eschewing realism, but for its ability to give a say to the minority. The original tale, pinpointing all the blame on the wolf, left me unsettled. If we can all perform our actions with rationale, then in some sense they are justified. In the same vein, Smith's talent of voicing the wolf's transgressions was invigorating and echoed my own yearning to see that everyone has the opportunity to speak their mind, no matter how unpopular the opinion.

THANKS SOO MUCH!