Undergraduate / Which Professor offers faculty and research opportunities? Essay... [6]

Nicely done, with this improved draft. Here is room for improvement:

To me, it showed that a Penn faculty like Professor O'Leary does more than teach the material; he also leaves campus to assist with real-world problems. I look forward to working with him, and I believe he will be an insightful adviser to help guide me in my studies at Penn.

Undergraduate / memories of Christmas holiday in 2004 [3]

First line:

Like anybody else who was affected by the Tsunami that hit in 2004, I can never forget...

At the end, get rid of the phrase, "For me":

The most important part of my life was my role as a leader.

Nice job! See Neva's suggestions above, in addition to mine.

Undergraduate / Biting my nails and China resolution - UC- Part of Diversity [3]

Wow, your grammar is excellent and not in need of revision.

I do advise that you give a brief intro that tells what this activity was... or, better yet, tell the reader at the end of the essay what the activity was that you were participating in. I was left mystified about what the context of the situation might have been.

Other than that, it is great!!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1. Electrical Engineering. [4]

It was in my University in Sri Lanka that I obtained most of my experience and formally declared my major.

I agree with what jashley said about getting rid of the first sentence... because you tell the intended major at the end of that first paragraph. Anything that is redundant is unnecessary, and unnecessary things detract from the power of the essay.

Unnecessary details are distractions. However, your essay does not have excessive detail; I just mention it as something to keep in mind.

You write well, without errors!

Undergraduate / "Emotions are useless" - common app topic [5]

I knew better than to accept the idea that African-Americans are less intelligent than Caucasians based on IQ scores, but to remain impartial, I had to consider the fact that the tests were somewhat accurate and that my dad, sister, uncles, aunts, cousins and others were inherently less intelligent than the rest of the population.

Start a new paragraph with:

So, I searched for some.

This certainly is about a dilemma that you faced, and I think you can relate it well to the prompt by adding one good sentence to the beginning. "I faced an emotional dilemma when..."

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Trouble when speaking about experience, UC Transfer Question Prompt [3]

Nope, not safe! :) The most important part is to write well, and the second most important part is to address the prompt. It shows that you think clearly. It is ALRIGHT that you don't have experience in the field. Write about the classes you took and how one of them led to a experience of reflection as you participated in some activity.

I suggest you write an essay all for yourself, just for enjoyment. Then, revise it later. Follow the rules of the prompt, though! :)

Undergraduate / Computer science - UC Prompt #1 and #2 - Transfer Applicant [3]

Neva made some important corrections, and I would even modify one further (prompt 2):

As the season progressed, I found that I had become better than I used to be.

Now, as for the intro, it seems that many students like to start the essay like a story... but you also have the option of starting it with a sentence that captures the fundamental truth of the piece. What is this essay really trying to say, you ask yourself. Do you know that many good writers write the intro paragraph last? It's true!

And if, in your intro, you can respond directly to the prompt: (i.e. "One accomplishment that makes me proud is...")

Good luck!

Undergraduate / ACTIVITIES SECTION OF UC APP - what exactly goes in each section? [2]

I don't know what the application consists of, but if you post the application prompts, I can give you advice.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I experienced Guatemala this summer" - issue of importance UTb essay [5]

I wanted to also mention that Neva caught some good ways to improve sentences!

Undergraduate / "I experienced Guatemala this summer" - issue of importance UTb essay [5]

Oh now I get it! Throughout the essay, I was thinking, Wow, this is a great story, but it does not seem to have much to do with "an issue of importance." However, at the end I learned that the issue is the lack of camaraderie, the lack of neighborliness. It is important for you to establish this as the issue near the beginning of the essay. Get rid of the phrase "Over the summer" in the last sentence of the first paragraph, and write something like:

I went to Guatemala with a group from Habitat for Humanity and, in this world that is completely different from the one in which we live, I learned about an issue of crucial significance to my generation: kindness.

Usually, an "issue" refers to a concern or controversy, such as the economy or global warming. You make a unique contribution by writing about kindness, which is also an important issue.

Undergraduate / 'biology class' - Passion For A Subject Or Cause University of Delaware Essay [3]

Well written! I found no errors in the first half, but I will make recommendations below:

One must be willing to give his or her time to those in need, demonstrating zeal for serving the needs of others. (End the paragraph here, and start a new paragraph about the Boy Scouts)

This is consistent with the Boy Scout Oath, which includes: "On my honor, I will do my best... to help other people at all times." Each Scout has a passion for cheerful service, just as I do. I have collected food, coats, and toys for the poor, caroled for the elderly (even though singing is not my forte), and carried out countless service projects ranging from building benches to planting trees, from painting signs to building paths...

I hope it works out well for you!

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Late Show style Personal Statement [5]

Good, I like it. However, there is a chance that the admissions person who reads this would really appreciate the unique approach you originally took. My intuition tells me that it is better to use the paragraph form, though, especially after seeing it.

Go with your own intuition, but my opinion is that it will have more success this way.

Undergraduate / Marital Arts as a Way of Life - uc prompt 2 pls help revise?! [4]

When I first was enrolled, I was still an overexcited boy with little self-control and no sense of responsibility...

Through my five year journey to get my black-belt, and the following three year journey to get my second degree black-belt, constant repetition and constant enforcement of a highly disciplined self had become a habit.

By learning unique ways in which the body can move, and by absorbing the techniques, I have become more open-minded. With the experiences that await me in college, I hope to take a stand and benefit the world.

Good essay! Just those small corrections above.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / August 1998, America. UC Prompt 1 Need help revise. [2]

In August of 1998, my family and I left Hong Kong and stepped into America for the first time.

Start the second paragraph this way:

Within a few months of our immigration, my family started to have conflicts and arguments that we were unable to settle, and my father deserted the family.

Good, now I think you can add a bit more reflection at the end. Sum up the truth of the essay with a powerful concluding sentence.

Thanks!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "My exposure to music", title pending- UC admissions prompt #2 [2]

By the time I entered middle school, I was practicing approximately two hours every day, as well as attending weekly rehearsals with the Stephen Wise Youth Orchestra.

It is an emotional language that I can use to truly express myself, a language with no set amount of words but limitless meanings.

Nope, you do not sound arrogant at all. This is a perfect essay. They ask about accomplishments and what makes you proud, so this is exactly right. Thoughtful, and well-written, too.

Undergraduate / "I love badminton" - UC prompt 2 essay [3]

Let's use some commas to separates words in quotation marks:

Yet I encounter constant remarks like, "Badminton is not a sport," and, "Badminton does not require any skills," from my fellow peers. At my school, badminton is condemned as the "Asian" sport.

Commas and quotation marks can be tricky. Here is another correction:

I am a go-getter. I love to disprove people's preconceptions, and I am much more than your average stereotype. At the beginning of my sophomore year, there were numerous doubts that our season was going to in failure.

Add some reflection on how this success ties in with your dreams for the present and future. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / I do not want what others want; my definition of success - UC Prompt essay [2]

All of this celebrity spending to buy these "much needed accessories," appeals to the sense of humor in me.

Hi, you write very well! I think it needs an opening paragraph, though. Rewrite the closing paragraph in different words (brilliant, rhythmic words) and use what you come up with as your opening paragraph. Make sure you chose your words in a way that shows that you are responding to the prompt (i.e. "how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations") You explained that you DON'T want what others want... talk more about YOUR definition of success in a good opening paragraph.

Good Luck!!

:)

Undergraduate / Discovering my passion in art history [4]

I just have a few revisions:

I found that, through practice, the development of technique, one could (with some inspiration) produce work that surpasses even ones own expectations.

Through my experiences in high school and college, I acquired a sense that the material I my academic studies and my study of art and music were interconnected; they supplemented my understanding of other subjects I was studying at the time, but the exact connection eluded me until I took the History of India and Western Art History at the same time.

Whereas I once felt confused about choosing a major, I am now excited to know that Art History connects with so many branches of knowledge that fascinate me.

I like the arrangement of the ideas, and especially the opening sentence.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Rice Essay Prompt: Personal Perspective [2]

Even though I didn't agree with them, I could look at them through nonjudgmental eyes.

Great essay but I think you could make some changes to the beginning and the end to respond better to the prompt. Can you start by mentioning cultures to which you were exposed in school? And your own culture, too... They ask about "the unique life experiences and cultural traditions" you might bring. I think you need to address that a little more.

However, what you have written is very clear and eloquent.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: Zoos have no useful purpose. Agree/disagree [4]

Have you ever seen a real, live, bear or a monkey?

When people visit the zoo, they normally do so in a group--with their families, or as a part of a school group activity.

The reason for much criticism of zoos is that in many of them the animals are not very well taken care of and do not have good, clean facilities.

This is mostly true but does not relate to the purpose of zoos.

Very good, you made several points to support your argument. Now add a closing paragraph that restates your argument.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 "This World of Mines.." Need Revision A.s.a.p. [3]

Hi, I suggest you look for unnecessary phrases and words to take out, because that will make it more powerful. For example, the beginning:

I have experienced various circumstances, thick and thin, many of which have made me who I am today. My family and the community caused me to want more in life, and to expand not only my knowledge, but also my horizons. In reflecting back on what I have done in life, it shows me that I am well on my way to changing my weaknesses into strengths and achieving my aspirations. I am a determined, hard-working, versatile person who is ready for college and the world.

I only have time to edit that part, but I think you can make it rhythmic and strong by taking out unnecessary words.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / uc essay prompt 1 - "Don't wait for your ship to come, swim out to it." [2]

Great story and reflection. I think you should separate it into a few paragraphs for clarity:

The proverb, "Don't wait for your ship to come; swim out to it," perfectly describes how my father chased after his dreams, and it is a proverb that I live by. His journey in life has taught me many lessons about life and has shaped and inspired my dreams and aspirations for my future. (Start a new paragraph here)

Imagine coming to the United States alone, with no understanding of the English language, culture, or lifestyle.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 Dilligence [3]

One meaningful accomplishment from my undergraduate years was to overcome my fears of public speaking.

I kept thinking back to high school, when I took many AP courses and had to do many speeches and presentations.

This is great; it fulfills the prompt very well! Those changes above improve efficiency and clarity.

Good Luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

This is great. Thanks for letting me help. I found no errors in the rewrite.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Fixating on Curiosity (UC Prompt #1) [5]

Baffled by disbelief, I chuckled hesitatingly, but then accepted it with a sigh of relief.

My first impression of her was that she was admirable; she carried...

she wore a great number of bracelets. Being the curious George I was known to be, I inquired her regarding my observation. Without a word, she removed the jewelry...

Wow, interesting story! Great job, I hope this essay is successful for you.

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

Yes, it is very thoughtful and meaningful. You can improve it by adding an opening sentence that sums up the meaning of the whole thing. Writing an opening sentence like that should be interesting for you.

:)

Kevin

Graduate / Personal Statement - Master of Science in Accounting [3]

Okay... throughout the whole thing, you can shorten sentences by leaving out unnecessary details.

Combine this into one sentence: As a marketing officer who offered services for more than ten local companies, I need to know...

You can take your last paragraph and put it at the beginning as the intro paragraph. Like many students, you got around to making your "statement" right at the end. That last paragraph is a good introduction to the essay. Replace it with a new closing paragraph that captures the meaning of the whole essay.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Designated Driver - (UC prompt 1 - my world) [5]

Well, if the word limit allows for you to write a bit more, I suggest that you add one more concluding/reflective paragraph to tie this conviction (to be responsible in order to prevent tragedy that results from recklessness) in with your intended program of study at the school to which you are applying.

Good luck!!

Essays / A content analysis of involuntary autobiographical memories [8]

I don't know! They should have been more specific. They were unclear, so you should do it whichever way you choose. make it brilliant, and it will be okay. If you write about the future and somebody says that it was supposed to be about life til now, you can point out that it was unclear. However, my guess is that this is intended to be about the future. You could always make a phone call to the Admissions office! :)

Book Reports / Marriage in "The Story of an Hour" and "A Sorrowful Woman" [2]

A common, naïve assumption is that, once a couple is married, love will overcome all problems. However , the marital bonds of intimacy, respect, and trust must be developed, nurtured and enforced. When this fails, most couples are given a chance to make important changes. Unfortunately, many times couples gloss over these core issues with nonchalance, inhibiting them. Both "A Sorrowful Woman" by Gail Godwin and Kate Chopin's "The Story of an Hour" can be seen as parables of the negative ideologies of marriage that show how stultifying marriage can be if it is not nurtured properly."

These two works also show how marriage can be inherently oppressive to women. It is a tradition from a time when women were considered inferior, and not even allowed personal freedom. Many people believe that marriage is incompatible with modern society, because it is basically unfair to women. It needs to be changed drastically, or eliminated!

Good luck!

Essays / words contrasting the way in which people live their lives [3]

Yes, the first thing to do is read through a few books and articles about this financial crisis, and how it is affecting lives. This is going to force you to really learn about the mechanisms that are at work affecting people's lives -- unemployment, high taxes, and so forth.

For every article you read, write a thoughtful paragraph and cite the article.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Do a good turn daily." - Rutgers Essay [4]

You got some good feedback from mstratton8, and i would add that this sentence can be improved:

...some of whom had noticeable disabilities; however, they were having the time of their lives and acting as if they suffered from nothing at all.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I feel it is better to be a leader than a follower." - UC Personal #2 [6]

You can begin with this:

As a child, I lacked self-confidence and was very shy.

Also:

As far as I can remember, the first time I began building myself as a leader was in the sixth grade. At that time I was young and shy with a soft back bone, but I was ready for a change--something I had felt inside me for a very long time.

Today, at nineteen years old, I use those same basic leadership qualities that I learned when I was twelve.

Great job!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / foil essay on Wuthering Heights [4]

Wow, this is really well written. At this point, the only advice I would give would be to ensure that it meets the requirements of the assignment. Does it meet the grading criteria? Perhaps a quote or two would help bring it to life. Great essay, though, and I saw no errors.

Undergraduate / "To start life afresh in California" - UC, What do you think of it so far? [6]

Yes, I understand what you mean. I was reading the first few paragraphs, and they are all so well-written that i would hate for you to cut any of them. This material below, though, offers more detail than necessary:

I realized a future that I would never have imagined. We moved into a house in Kensington and immediately I was put into fourth grade at Kensington Hilltop Elementary. I remember walking into a colorful room full of toys, books and even computers. Kids were drawing and playing games. Nothing compared to the stark classrooms of José Marti Number 52 where children sat in strict rows with only one small notebook and a pencil

At Kensington Elementary, however, I felt alien as with everything else in my new life. Ms. Riviere communicated with me through exaggerated gestures. Kids stared at me with wide eyes. I was unlike anyone else with my long jet-black plaits, red wind-chapped cheeks and rough country complexion. My inability to speak English fueled frustration and loneliness. Even at home, I was still adjusting to life with my once absent mother and new father. Between the life I had led in Mongolia and the new life I faced in California, an unimaginable gulf existed.

We don't need to know the names of the teacher and school... maybe you can cut this part down to fewer words to make more room.

Good luck!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I am proud to be a freethinker" - UC prompt 2 [2]

Excellent sentence right here: Suddenly, everything right felt so wrong, and everything wrong felt so right, yet my mind never felt as lively as it did on that day, when I became a free thinker.

Free thinker is two words, not one...

You need just a bit more explanation of pluralism, perhaps at the start of the essay. Then, your mention of it at the end will tie in nicely.

good job!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "I am not a "nobody" - UC Prompt 2 [3]

That was what I told myself when I decided to run for a position in the executive committee of my school's Recreational Badminton club.

fine line distinguishing humbleness and apprehension... I really like that thought!!

Yes, you follow the prompt perfectly! Other than the good advice from msparkee, I have little criticism for you!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Elaborate One of Your Activities - my father's golf club [2]

In my junior year, I worked in my father's golf club, Lao Lao Bay Golf Club. I served food in the restaurant, I took care of the golf shop, and worked at the counter. For this, I did not get any payment. However, I learned something very important instead: the value of money.

At times when customers were few, I just stood at the counter or in the corner of the golf shop and studied for school. At times I was busy...

Nice job!! I only took out unnecessary words, so that it will pack a harder punch.

Undergraduate / "Born in France" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [8]

All you need is one good introductory sentence that says something like: The world that has shaped my dreams and aspirations has included...

That way, no one will say you neglected the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The Process of Unification - Satirical essay on Religion [6]

Hi, I think you should at least decide what your opinion is, first, before asking for the answers! :) I know that research is difficult... but this is one of those questions for which there is no simple answer. If you study Kant's absolutist ethics vs. Mill's utilitarian ethics, you might find a beautiful essay taking form.

Good luck!!

Kevin