Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay: Kindly check the response and advice accordingly. [6]

This is just a small tip to practice at the exam - Leave a blank line between your paragraphs as it is pretty difficult for the reader to understand the different parts of your essay. Your examiner too might experience the same difficulty and therefore it is better if you improve the presentation of your overall essay. Without any doubt, you display excellent writing skills :) So, present your essay to be more appealing :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing; I'm against providing more money to professors [5]


You cannot have too many opinions on one issue. Your opinion should be either agree to the statement or not.

Writing Feedback / Public health improvement essay - number of facilities [3]

First of all, enhancing the number of sporting facilities will certain have positive effects on people's health. For example, the easier access to the equipmentsport facilities such as grounds, gymnasiums etc. , will enhance the number of locals doing regular exercise.


Follow dumi's approach for intro because it helps you earn good marks while handling your time for the task very efficiently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - The option to work or study from home is advantage or disadvantage [7]

On the one hand, the benefit that professionals or students get by connecting from home is enormous. For one,First, it helps working people to maintain work lifea proper balance betwen work and family life. The best example is the newa mother with a newly born baby . whoShe can joindo her work as well as take care of her baby.

Writing Feedback / Should children start learning foreign language as soon as they start school [3]

In my opinion, it will be of great importance to study a non-native language as soon as we go to school.start schooling.


... this sentence is meaningless and also pretty confusing :(
First of all, the knowledge of a foreign language would be very important in today's highly globalized wold.


This type of sentences sound pretty redundant. Avoid having redundant sentences as they tend to make the reader bored.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - International tourism leads to both - tension and understanding [5]

For example, IndiansHindus in India don't eat beef since they worship cows. Thus, if tourists want to respect the tradition, they will not order anyavoid eating beef in thelocal restaurant.while they tour in India, especially in the areas of Hindu majority.

On the other hand, in order to avoid the conflicts between foreigners and locals, people are tryingshould attemp t to understand and appreciate different cultures and find solutions.traditions.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: Handmade objects are more beneficial than machine made ones [4]

It's good if you included the prompt in your post so that we get a clear idea as to what it expects from you. Your topic alone is not enough for that purpose. I assume this is Agree/Disagree type of essay.

Overall, I think this essay is very well written. You have excellent grammar and impressive vocabulary. Have you managed time and finished this in 30 mins?

Letters / How to write a formal apology letter? Explaining a catering problem [4]


First, you need to do drafts for these and post them here. Then we can provide our feedbacks as to how you can improve.
Please accept this letter as our formal apology for whatthe incident that took place athappened on {location, event, issue, etc...} on {MM/DD/YYYY}. While this is by no means an excuse for {my behavior, what happened, etc...}justifying the unfortunate scene, we feel knowing the cause will help us guard against future mistakes.

Undergraduate / How my family shaped who I am today [3]


It is my father's influence that shaped me into the person who I am today.


He was not there all the time,but still managed to have food on the table.


.... What does this mean? She left for what? work? or did she leave you all too? You need to rephrase this sentence as it is not very clear :(

Undergraduate / ready for a new start ~ readmit essay [2]

Having just graduated from high school, I thought I could handle a full 18 hour course load as well aswhile maintaining a full time job.

Once the semester began, I felt a little overwhelmed, but I thought I could toughrough it out.


... I wish you link this better with the whole idea to arrange a smoother flow.
When the grades got affected, I realized my decisions were not so practical.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay: Scandals are useful because they focus our attention [3]

It certainly brings to focus, the issues that existsexist in society but are often not highlighted enough for common man.


Impressive introduction :)


... why do you have two paras for these ideas? The first one is one reason you choose to justify your position on the issue and second one is the example you use to support that reason. They both speak the same idea and hence they should be in one para.

Writing Feedback / GRE: fields of study in which students are unlikely to succeed should be banned [5]

Based on this knowledge, they can better choose their field of education for themselves rather than an outsider choosing the same on their behalf.


Here you should have talked about the role that this interest plays in their success , especially in their future careers. That is the most important point here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [9]


This sentence is pretty long. When you write longer sentences, the reader has to keep memorizing the details which would not please him. So he would not take much interest to follow your essay. Therefore it is not very wise to write very long sentences. You need to impress your examiner and therefore give the guy less work if you are keen on earning good marks from him :D

Undergraduate / This is my personal statement prompt 1; My grandfather Lee [5]

Elderly man told us that nine years ago, he hasn'twasn't feeling longelylonely because there arewere more than 500 pieces of warm hearts to accompany him. Our arrival brought a lot of joy to him. In fact, for us, his dependence and likegratitude mademakes us satisfactionextremely pleased ,too.

Undergraduate / Reasons why you wish to attend APU - STUDYING ABROAD [5]

Being able to live in Asia and still be connected with all types of different cultured people from around the world.across the globe,I think it will help me tobroaden my perspectives byassimilate assimilating other's culture and traditions and interacting with people all around the world. It has international week where people not only can learn about different cultures, but also can celebrate themthe event together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of visitors to three London museums. [8]


... It is better you compared both Natural history museum and Science museum to give it a more complete finish. Also, the figure for Natural history museum is wrong here. It should be 550000 visitors. Science museum had 400000 :) You have to be very very careful with figures in this task ! This is what I suggest;

In June, British museum recorded the highest number of visitors in comparison with Natural history museum and Science museum, which accounted to 600,000 people. The Natural history museum had nearly 400,000 visitors and the Science museum, which recorded the least number of visitors, had been visited by 400000 people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Introductions; living in modern world/ world poverty/ traffic problem [6]


every aspect / all aspects
The twentieth century has seen a lot ofmany great changes taken place in every aspectsaspect of life.
This causes both travelling difficultydifficulties and enviromentalenvironmental damages.

Your approach for the first two essays looks alright. However, in the third one, you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately. Before expressing your own opinion on the issue, introduce the issue to the reader.

I find you write extremely well. Move into the other parts of the essay - body paras and the conclusion

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Tourism: good or bad? - it's a modern form of colonialism [14]


I feel the middle part of this sentence is a bit overly done :( ...."nourishment of the sceneries"? ... I agree with dumi on this;


Also, in this second para, you talk about the other side of the argument. However, your prompt asks you to -


and in the introduction you say -


... So, why do you talk about the opposite side of your view? In the body paras, you need to keep defending your view by giving reasons as to why you hold that view and supporting those reasons with examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Letter to a friend - he agreed to look after your house and pet [4]


... don't you thank this person for undertaking such great responsibilities? :D
I am so glad that you agreed to look after my pet and the house while I am away and thank you so much for that. You indeed are a great friend.


... tell him the return date too;

As planned, I will be leaving on the 3rd March and be back on the 5th April. I have cleaned up the house and made all arrangements for you to have a comfortable stay in my house during my absence. In any emergency, you may ring me on 0049755478. This is the number of my cousin, Faith with whom I will be staying.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: young school leavers have a negative attitude towards learning [7]

This can be solved by letting them know how happy they arewill be when they haveget a chance to go to schools. (this sentence is too long. So better stop at this point) andFurther, it is important to showshowing them that the vast majority of children in certain poor countries throughout the world are lacking education due to povertyare deprived of a proper education due to poverty.


This is not too bad :) You write well and you can certainly improve a lot with practice :)

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]


Well, I find these ideas are not relevant to your topic. In the prompt which is -


, it is not anywhere mentioned that it talks about education. It talks about the parents' involvement with their children in which education can be just one aspect. Parents' involvement includes education, health and physical fitness, mental and emotional development of the child, social skills, positive behavior and so on. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt to one particular aspect. Read the prompt very carefully and introduce the right idea to the reader through your intro.

Undergraduate / Is it true, that one can always find opportunity, even in trouble? [6]

Troubles are part of our life. (good hook) Everyone has got problems and issuestroubles( I removed the word troubles as I find it is a bit repetitive) in their life but it doesn't mean they loose their hope for the sake of the problems, they are going throughfor a better future. One should always try to overcome the troubles (no comma) they are facing, in a way that no one get hurts. It's necessary to be calm and patient when you are even in trouble because one can't find anywouldn't find the best solution in panic.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Share expenditure for selected categories in four countries [9]

A closer look at the data reveals that Canadians spent muchmore money for the cost of transportation at around 20 percent of share expenditure, while Japanese recorded the lowest percentage of spending on this category andthough it could be seen doubled amount of Canada's transportation figure.

Good writing :) When is your exam?

Writing Feedback / If people have opportunity to get a secure job, they should take it right awayI [5]


.... well, I have a problem with this sentence. I agree that secure job is not necessarily be a motivating factor. However, it is certainly helps a person being demotivated. What if a person doing a job which does not provide him any job security? Wouldn't that be a mental agony for that person? So, I think this is how you should put this idea to the reader;

Secure job alone does not makes a person motivated.

Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]

OMG.... I'm sorry about making that comment. I totally missed out the word


Thanks Ahmad for pointing out that and I apologize to peyman for my error. Please disregard my comment.

Writing Feedback / Video games are harmless fun. Disagree or Agree? [4]

It is undeniable that video games should have already become valuable source of learning and recreation for young people. Firstly, these provide an excessive of educational benefits. In particular, computer games help children not only develop problem-solving and analytical skills, such as drawing conclusion, seeking alternatives and making predictions, but also increase cognitive skills and encourage practical experience. Moreover, this kind of entertainment encourages creativity,initiativesinattentiveness and mental power.as well as isThey are also used to teach and reinforce academic subjects such as enhancing mathematical and physical skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; School teachers used to be the source of information [3]

In the past few decades, teachers arewere considered to be the main rolesfigures in the process of delivering knowledge. But now there is a view that students can acquire knowledge from the other wayssources tooinstead of teachers. Personally, I think teachers are still importantfor us because of some irreplaceable factors.still pay an important role in delivering knowledge to the students.

Writing Feedback / Today's charity - support made by wealthy nations must be voluntary [4]

Money flow to the poorest nations in African and Asian continents riseshas risen magnificently during the last decade.


Well... this sentence is pretty confusing.... it is not conveying a clear idea.... you have grammar errors too :(

You have a tendency to combine too many ideas and put them all in one sentence. That gets you to make grammatical mistakes and have a poor flow of ideas. You need to concentrate more on clarity of your ideas and sentences. That is what helps you arouse reader's interest in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How British people spending their money on fast foods? Chart [5]

The chart indicates the average expenditure on fast foods related to income groups in Britain.

... as dumi always advises, adopt a more reporting style of writing to answer this task. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing capabilities. So keep your writing more formal and concise. You can be more descriptive in the Task 2. So, avoid phrases like "First, Second...etc."

Writing Feedback / TEXT Messages - novelty for us [4]


Have you included the prompt on the top here in this essay? Is it "


" .... not very clear :(

Although many people condemnconsider texting as a negative trend nowadays, it has brought many benefits for us such as possibility to improve skills over writing. To people thatwho want to improve their English language skills, like exchange students, texting can be a good way to learn rules from native language.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'Long-term positive effects of culture' - should tourist obey local customs and behaviors? [6]

You have excellent writing skills :)
A few suggestions from me;
Many people hold firmly the belief that countries thatwhich open the door to the influx of foreign visitors should welcome the diversity of cultures coming alongside. ...."that" is getting repeated too soon :D

I think you have nothing to worry about this task. You are ready for it :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: bar chart - average retirement age among seven countries in 2004 and 2008 [5]

Well, I think you need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task. This is what dumi and I generally suggest for this task;

Introduction - Introduce your graph briefly. (tell the type of graph and what it presents) Mention the time duration if there is any.
Overview - Describe the main trend/trends of the graph. Do not have any details like data or figures in this part. Try to give an overview of the entire graphical presentation

Detail Paras - Describe trends with more details.

Writing Feedback / keep equal number of man and woman to show the respect for both genders [2]

Where is your prompt? I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It is good to see your full prompt in your thread because then we know exactly what it means.

More opportunities are rendered to women and female'stheir position is being raised in society compared to the past.
They can equip themselves with knowledge and ability,consequently, more works are offered to them, thus their position is raising.rising.

"rise" and "raise" mean close, but slightly different. Here's an explanation;
Rise refers to something being moved upwards or an amount of something being increased. For example, to say that the sun rises and hot air rises refers to the action of these objects moving upwards.

Raise refers to something being moved to a higher position or something getting improved. For example, to say that you raise your hand or your voice refers to the action of moving your hand or voice to a higher level than previously. Or, you might refer to a need to raise efficiency in the factory, when factory efficiency needs to improve.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: advertisements whose target is young children should be banned [4]


Well, this is a very very long sentence and certainly not a prudent way to start your essay. You need to open your essay with an interesting and meaningful sentence which we call a hook that has the ability to hook your reader towards your writing. Long sentences are not at all interesting because the reader requires to remember lots an lots of details you have written in one go :D You should not give reader much work because reader would not like it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In which areas people made important progress? [6]

Today,Itit is undeniable that human beings are expericingexperiencing a stable improvement in many areasfields(no comma) such as in the fields of medicine sciences,technological breakthroughs and changes on working or studying patterns , business, engineering etc.


Your idea does not flow well, rather it does not deliver your idea clearly. You need to rephrase this last line.

Writing Feedback / The chart shows vast difference in the level of skilled vocational diploma [7]

.... hey ... there's nothing at all .... give another try using "Attach file(s)" tool in the Message block.


This seems to be a good introduction. But without seeing the graph I cannot validate what you've written in it :D


.... Before this, write an Overview which gives an overall idea about the graph. It should speak about the main trends, but very briefly and without the details. Don't have details like percentages and other data in an Overview.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Celebrities & Their Influences [5]

First of all, it is true that people use their money to become an inspirationfamous are definitely not a good mirrorrole models for young people.

In conclusion, people without talents cannot be famous in this changingmodern dynamic world and to be accreditedbecome role models they need to contribute positively to young generation.

You seem to be having very good vocabulary and grammar :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'food, drink and tobacco' - statistic of expenditure graph [3]


Overall, the category of food, drink and tobacco has recorded the highest percentage of expenditure while leisure and education has recorded the least percentage spending. Turkey has been the country that has recorded the highest in all three categories as against other four countries.

Well, I think you have done a good job. Good approach too :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing is my weakness, hope you can help me, the question is written in the message. [5]


... this is a very confusing sentence :( You need to rephrase this line as it does not convey any clear idea :(

Compare my life and the life when my grandparents were children! When they are children, what they had to do after school was finishingto finish their homework and playedplay with their friends. But for nowme , after I finishedfinish my homework, I need to have extra classes because other students do this that means if I do not do this, I will lose in the future.to stay in competition with my fellow students.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Air travel is becoming more welcomed by common people since its price is going down [5]

In the present-day society, it is believed that air travel has become the best way to travel a farlong distances. Meanwhile, many people assertargue that travelling by air is only beneficial for the rich who can afford it while ordinary people cannot take any advantage of it. Personally, I think the view is overly simplistic.

Your introduction is very well presented. However, the last line which expresses your view on the issue is not very clear to the reader.