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Posts by alicederp
Joined: Dec 28, 2012
Last Post: Jan 3, 2013
Threads: 10
Posts: 56  
Likes: 4
From: United States of America

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alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / I love marching band - meaningful contribution [4]

This is beautifully written. However, I would recommend that you elaborate more on why this particular contribution to your school is significant to you other than you just enjoy being in a group (if this is your reason, I would suggest to talk more about this but in relation to yourself instead of a to the group as a whole).

Hope I helped! Could you please take a look at my essays?
Thanks!
alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Picture Books/ Explore Beijing/ Friends/ Action; Tufts App/ Who am I? [5]

Hi guys could you please give me suggestions or comments? PLEASE be harsh!

If you would like me to help with yours I would be glad to.

You may have heard the quote "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind." We don't mind. Who are you? Respond in the medium of your choice: prose, one-minute video, blog, digital portfolio, slam poetry... For media other than writing, please share a link (video can be submitted via YouTube but we recommend using a privacy setting) that is easily accessible.

My name is XX and I'm 17 years old. My favorite color is blue and my favorite flower is the rose. So once I decided to dye a white rose blue. There were blue streaks on the petals so I guess it kind of worked and that made me really happy.

My favorite books are pictures books. Some people laugh at me for that but in the spirit of being who I am and saying what I feel, I think there is something very special about picture books. Sometimes things cannot be conveyed through words alone. My favorite would be "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. It's the type that after you finish you can't help but stay still for a minute and indulge in its meaning.

I love being with my friends, either exploring Beijing's subway stops or just having a movie marathon with a diabetes-inducing amount of caramel popcorn. But sometimes, I also like to be alone. Once while running near the back road of my house, I came across a piece of woodland that I think is too small to call a forest. Upon venturing in, I found a little abandoned stone house with a sparkly stream flowing through. This has become a haven for me when I want a little bit of quiet to read or simply to escape reality.

After my best friend attempted suicide and was still in the hospital with no visitors allowed, I spent quite some time there just thinking. I knew our relationship was going to be different and honestly back then, the uncertainty scared me to no end.

So here it is. These are some things that you may want to know about me. As for who am I? I've always been a solid believer of showing instead of telling. I hope this has given you some insight into my personality.
alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

Hi,

I will have to agree with the users above. The essay is way too general, both about yourself and about the college. Everyone has been "confined by walls" at one point or another, please provide an example. Also "I am a free bird who wishes to fly out of this cage and University of Chicago can be my savior." This sentence comes out as too strong, it's basically saying "accept me or I'll be trapped forever".

Further discuss the significance of UC and check out their website for specific things you can write about.

Lastly, I would suggest that you revise your last sentence "If I get the opportunity to be a part of Uchicago community, I am confident that the person who graduates will be better than the person who was admitted." It simply does not end well, this is way too vague and general. Everyone applying for college can say this for themselves.

Just make your essay more personal and more specific about UC and you should be fine. Hope I helped!

Could you please check out my Tufts essay? Thanks!
alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles; My project @ UNION [14]

Hi there,

"Though I haven't made one yet, I do have had a lot of reading on them from the internet."

"In midst of various categories of robots what struck me and always have has been amusinghow is it amusing?? are UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles."

"But then as I steadily learned about their use in different fields, how the propellers work, andhow the wings are useful, I began seeing a plane from a whollywhole different perspective."

"As a project at college I would enthusiastically be engrossed in one involving UAV. " <-- Enthusiastic, engrossed very redundant.

"With these capabilities a UAV will be realtoo colloquial successful in military use."

"So, this would be really an exciting project indeed." <-- too boring

Hope I helped!
alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

Hi there,

Agreed with comments above. It seems like you squished in the last sentence "Not turning my back when I faced all these hurdles while reaching my goal has been the most rewarding "Cur Non?" moment of my life." to tie it all back to the prompt.

Indicate "Cur Non?" as a means for motivation!

Could you please look at my tufts essay?
alicederp   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

Hi guys! Please be as critical as you can! All comments and suggestions are appreciated.
Also if you like, I would be glad to help with yours!

2.There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood, or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

Mom ties a string onto my wrist and attaches the other end onto a lamp. "Okay play."
I position my one-sixteenth-size violin and begin to work through my daily set of screech and squawks. At three years old, I have a tendency of falling asleep and cracking my violin. When my arms start drooping, the string's tension jerks me awake so I can resume making noise.

After violin practice or violin class on Mondays and Fridays, mom would then drive me to PP5, endearingly known by students as Pee-pee 5, and tell me she'll buy me bubble tea if I study well. Sadly, I somehow always fell asleep between French and Art.

"We should take Tina to the new skating ring!"
"Is that a ballet studio?"
"Boxing? Taekwondo? I've always wanted to learn these things."
My parents both come from rural parts of China and never had the chance to pursue these activities when they were young. They want me to have all that they couldn't. Admittedly, in the spirit of nothing but the truth, ballet and violin were like torture to my uncoordinated music deaf self.

But as I grew older and my parents' requirements shrunk, their influence upon me remains. I know that I am lucky to have the opportunity to experience so much. My parents' determination to give me the best has shaped me into a person that always puts myself out there.

Consequently, I would love to join Tuft's Quiditch Team. I fancy myself a Beater.
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Relationships with my enemies' - U Chicago Supp [5]

Hi there,

"She is flamboyant, and for the sake of the argument, I will presume she is indeed as I simply lack thea she simply because I doubt the masculine capability to be anywhere near as cynical as I can be." <-- Maybe?

Except for that I really didn't see the ending coming. Nicely done! Very interesting and I love your writing style.

Could you please look at my cornell essay?
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are an Asian disgrace."; Common Application Personal Statement [3]

Hi there,

I think you didn't capture the essence of the common app essay. WHAT made you change?

"I even began to devote myself to several extracurricular activities in hopes of developing socially and eventually overcoming my introverted personality." <-- You can't overcome an introverted personality. Besides why would you want to? There's nothing wrong with being introverted. Try different wording.

Also try "XXX" or a name.

Could you please look at my cornell essay. Please be critical. All suggestions and comments are appreciated.
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / ICS program is one of a kind / Duke Sup/ Duke attractions [13]

"Although home to a _(killer?)_ inspirational? men's basketball team and exciting Greek life, it is Duke's balance of academic and social opportunities thatis what truly draws me in. "

"I have developed a passion towardspassionate about a career in international diplomacy and business, and intend to major in International Comparative Studies (ICS) and minor in Economics."

"As well Moreover? Furthermore?, through Duke's EDUCO Study Abroad in Paris, I have the opportunity to build upon my nine years of French and develop a holistic understanding of European culture, history, and politics. "

"I can to utilize my background in business to aid various development initiatives and NGOs around the world."

Except for those I think you have a brilliant essay! Really shows that you know the school!

Hope I helped.
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Going away to school frightens me; Harvey Mudd Essay / One thing [6]

Hi there,

Okay first off WOW I LOVE YOUR ESSAY. It's actually amazing. Loved the personification and ending. Bold in a way that they want you.

I honestly can't think of anything to pick at.

Please check out my cornell essay! Any suggestions or comments are appreciated!
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "Everything happens for a reason." Helping Others [13]

"Their smiles, a sincere gesture of their gratitude, instilled in me a warm satisfaction that radiated throughout my body . provided such a sense of satisfaction. "

"After this trip my drive for helping others, for providing service to to others, grew deeper in me, which is why I decided to become even more involved in the community service program at my school and will continue to do so in my future endeavors." <-- too many ideas! Split to two sentences and choose one, either "helping others" or "providing service to others" because both is redundant.

"The experience I had during my time in the Dominican Republic strengthened my desire tojustified why I want to pursue a career that will afford me the opportunity to make a change." <-- I think justified is the wrong word.

I hope I helped!
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

Hi there,

"One in which countries can triple their GDP in a decade and everything from the shirt on your back to the food on your plate traveled thousands of miles to get there." <-- This doesn't really make sense... I think it's the sentence structure.

"I was amazed by the different cultures of my new friends and neighbors, but even more amazed by the incredible food served at the new Syrian restaurant on the corner, and sold at the Chinese grocery store across the street. The speed at which my neighborhood was changing made me feel like I was watching the world move in fast-forward by some sort of magic." <-- I don't really see how these sentences connect. Maybe insert a connecting sentence or phrase?

Overall I really enjoyed your essay!

Please check out my cornell supplement. Any suggestions and comments are greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / VOICING MY OPINION; Stanford / "What matters to you is the question. I [3]

Hi there,

Firstly "Nina, I understand how important your voice is and how you think you andare? helping but please keep it to yourself."

"Upset that I went against her and try to embarrassed her. When I try to get a word in I was immediately cut off. " <-- Connect these two together. The first sentence is not a complete sentence.

Also check your tenses!!

Overall this is an interesting topic that really went in a way I didn't expect. But in my opinion, which I suggest you take with a grain of salt, you should emphasize that you still will not give up on your cause. Perhaps your father's request has taught you to be more tactful but you still stand true to your beliefs.

Hope I helped!

Could you please check out my cornell supplement? Any suggestions or comments are appreciated!
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "Everything happens for a reason." Helping Others [13]

An attention that meant the world to them.

I want to continue impacting lives and the College of Arts and Sciences along with the PULSE Program will allow me to do that at Boston College. <-- a bit awkward.

I think overall this is a nicely written essay! Corrections help you stay more on topic so that is good! My suggestion would be to smooth some of your sentences so the flow is better.

Please check out my cornell supplement! Any suggestions or comments are appreciated!
alicederp   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'relevancy of economics' - Cornell Supplement Economics [6]

Hi guys this is my essay for Cornell. Please help me out and be as critical as possible! I will be glad to help back if you would like me to. (:

College of Arts and Sciences:

Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.

Growing up in Beijing, the capital of one of the world's fastest developing countries, the dynamics of the city changed with breathtaking speed. Miles of cornfield disappeared as the coal burning factories popped up and spewed out blackness into the once brilliant blue skies. Shopping malls sprouted all over the city and soon the streets filled with bicycles were traded for shiny new cars.

These were childhood observations that with the opportunity of enrolling in HL economics I finally began to understand. And with the models and explanations, the world itself began to make sense. "Everything is economics and economics is everything", thought I in an attempt to be profound. But truly, with my desire to understand the modern society, I have developed a deep appreciation for the subject's diversity.

With the relevancy of economics as the main reason to further my study, my criteria for choosing a program is one that not only has excellent teaching, but also emphasizes and celebrates the diversity of the subject. These principles are representative of Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences.

In addition to the honor of working with an exceptionally large number of economists on the faculty, there are opportunities to aid in ongoing research and conduct my own. This is highly attractive to me because research would provide me the chance to utilize the knowledge and skills I acquire from class to truly contribute towards society. Also, as part of the honors program or department's program of independent study, I would have the resources and guidance to work towards aspects of personal interest. As an economics enthusiast but undecided in a specific field, this opportunity could pave the path of my future career.

Furthermore, with over 2000 courses to choose from, the opportunities are endless in exploring interests and developing new ones. With the college's dedication to the liberal arts, I would be encouraged, in fact required to take a variety of different courses. My top choices after perusing Fall 2012 course descriptions are PSYCH 4840 - Goals, Needs, and Desires and 4655 Topics in Social & Political Philosophy. Courses in other subjects will not only instill in me the ability to approach problems from different angles, but also contribute towards economics, enriching and interlacing it with other disciplines. Perhaps I may even end up taking on one or two other majors, providing me a cutting edge to the average economics degree.

The steep slope of improvement in my high school grades demonstrates my possession of the necessary maturation and focus to become part of Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences. Among those that share my passion, I would be able to comfortably engage in the academic atmosphere, fostering deeper understanding and contributing my own ideas. From the dedication to the liberal arts to the excellent teaching and opportunities for research, study abroad, and internships, all the while the Knight's institute providing literary skills fundamental to any profession, I regard Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences as the quintessential next step.
alicederp   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Spectrum of the biochemical field; Cornell / Why agriculture and life science? [2]

Hi there,

First thing is your essay has amazing flow and structure. I wish I can write like you...

Anyway, I think it's great but the one problem I have with this essay is that the colloquial language used in the second paragraph makes your interest seem fake. Like it's a bit over the top if you know what I mean.

That's all. I hope I helped!
alicederp   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all the great feedback! I corrected the ambiguity with the him and my grandfather. Still working on rephrasing and less focus on the event.

One thing though "My reward for working through this painful process was of course more pain, sadness because I still didn't know why, but most horrifyingly, an overwhelming sense of regret because I realized that all these years, I had never told him how much he meant to me."

^ I've always been bad with semicolons and colons. Could somebody help me rephrase using them please?

If anyone would like me to check out an essay I would be glad too!
alicederp   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU COM. APP-GLOBAL NETWORK/CAMPUS [7]

Hi there,

"In addition, New York is a haven for this multi-media world." <-- I think you should change it to "And New York is the haven for this multi-media world."

Your essays both flow very well and answer the prompts without losing the reader's interest. But my suggestion, especially for the first essay, would be to limit the use of words such as "In addition, Furthermore..." it slows down the pace of your essay.

Except for that I really like your writing!
alicederp   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / It looked into my eyes and said, "Have faith"; NYU-What intrigues you? [5]

Hi guys, this is my NYU supplement. Please be as critical as you can! All comments and suggestions are appreciated.

If you want me to help with yours just say so and I'll be glad to help!

TOPIC 3:What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

In the middle of a pristine neighborhood with polished fencing, pruned bushes and mowed lawns, lies an immaculately paved street. Smooth and freshly painted, it seems to go on forever, lined by perfect houses of cream and gold.

And walking along the sidewalk, I sensed that even the wind knew to be delicate, blowing a dainty breeze...

Such was the surrounding that as I leisurely followed the road, sometimes slowing to admire the sunset; it was at terrible contrast when I came to a sudden jerky stop. Terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate. Because in the middle of two beautiful houses, one cream based and the other gold, sat a tree. Smack center in the street.

With twisted roots waging war with the concrete, the plant drooped in exhaustion. It knew as a seed that it was going to be an uphill battle but still courageously broke through the coating. Some may deem it stupidly stubborn but its existence is proof to them all that an uphill battle wasn't a pointless battle. It looked into my eyes and said, "Have faith."

A dozen failed attempts to convince charities of the Cultural Interaction Community Project's maturity; I imagine the tree telling a story about its countless attempts to break through concrete and tried again. A failed biology test brings up a picture of its scarred body and I knew that one couldn't break me. Tree, your words have echoed through the years. One day I will visit and tell you that your faith is hope to the hopeless and strength to the repressed.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Since we're all going to die".....UVA [6]

"Can people kill others this easily?" <-- He didn't kill intentionally. It was an accident. I think this is a good essay but you didn't really capture Albert Camus' meaning in the novel...

Could you please take a look at my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I want the real insight into Turkish / Grinnell Supplement; People I'd like to know [3]

Hi there,

"Don't you Muslims really eat pork?"

Overall an interesting story that has great potential. I think it's your sentence structure and diction that really drags the essay down.

For instance,

"All the more because I have hugeextensive maybe? information about Turkey, I am eager to interact directly with Turkish, to advance from corporeal facts to human insight."

Could you please read my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / I kept silent about my sickness; UCHICAGO Supp - (SILENCE) [9]

Hi there,

Firstly, "The campus experience was great, but I lack the class experience. My past experience has motivated me to have this class experience that past students as applauded." <-- You used experience four times...Not a bit deal but repetitive and hurts the flow of the essay.

In my opinion, you should delete the first paragraph and focus more on your experience in Nigeria, much more interesting and unique. Also the answers to your questions about econ have pretty obvious and straightforward answers.

"My future goal is to increase, in one way or another, in wealth reduction wealth among all economic class." <-- What does this mean? I read it a few times but it still doesn't makes sense.

Sorry if I'm a bit too harsh! But I hoped I helped.

Could you please look at my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / passion for business, international diplomacy/Penn(Wharton) Sup; Engage academically? [8]

Hi there,

"Responding to this concern, I spearheaded a paperless Board Office, saving $20,000 annually, making a significant environmental and financial impact." Except for that I think this is a great essay that personalizes the prompt and also shows you have knowledge of the school.

Would you please look at my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU economics program; NYU sup/ Academic Interests [10]

Thank you all so much!

I will definitely fix up the ending part by elaborating on a single aspect instead of making a list.

I think the ending sentence is terrible too. ): I will revise and repost!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU? [19]

Hi there,

"Although New York City has been my home my entire life, I feel as if I am surrounded by new people, sounds and lights. Although this new surrounding is only a borough away from my home, it is still New York City. " <-- You used although twice as the beginning of a sentence. In a piece so short, it's really important to vary sentence structure.

Also agreed with Udensi. I think the problem is that you are using connecting words like "furthermore, although". These words slow down the essay when in actuality you want to keep up the pace to maintain excitement.

Could you please look at my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Career in medicine; Duke Pratt School of Engineering Sup [3]

"I was instantly engrossed in the work, taken by the mixture of problem-solving and medical sciences."

I think change it to "Suddenly, I was engrossed in the work..."

"Situated in the research triangle, Duke is capable of providing me with innumerable research opportunities, as well as, internships." No need for comas and perhaps give some examples of internships? It feels a bit like you tagged it on.

I hope I helped!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / It is my dream/ Why Harvey Mudd ? [3]

Hi there,

I think this essay really gets your point across and flows well. But my suggestion would be to delete the first sentence an the comparisons to other schools. I say you don't need to clarify that Harvey Mudd is its own unique school. Similarly it doesn't look good to bash other schools...

Please help me with my nyu supplement! Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU economics program; NYU sup/ Academic Interests [10]

Hey guys please help me with this answer. Do you think I fully answer the question? Please be as harsh as you can. All comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated!

A. NYU's global network provides students with hundreds of academic areas of interest for students to cultivate their intellectual curiosity and to help achieve their career goals. Whether you are entirely undecided about your academic plans or you have a definitive program of study in mind, what are your own academic interests? Feel free to share any thoughts on any particular programs or how you might explore those interests at NYU on any of our campuses. (1500 characters)

Growing up in Beijing, the capital of one of the world's fastest developing countries, the dynamics of the city changed with breathtaking speed. Miles of cornfield disappeared as the coal burning factories popped up and spewed out blackness into the once brilliant blue skies. Shopping malls sprouted all over the city and soon the streets filled with bicycles were traded for shiny new cars.

These were childhood observations that with the opportunity of enrolling in HL economics finally began to make sense. And with the models and explanations, came the full appreciation of the subject's real world relevance and a conviction to pursue economics. I realize that it is the laws of economics that invisibly dictate the workings of modern society and for this reason I thirst for more understanding.

With the relevancy of economics as the main reason to further my study, my criteria for choosing a program is one that not only has excellent teaching, but also emphasizes and celebrates the diversity of the subject. These principles are representative of the NYU economics program. In addition to the honor of working with passionate professors, the liberal arts foundation through MAP enriches the study of economics and interlaces it with other disciplines. All the while, the array of opportunities for research, internships and innovation keeps the subject relevant to the real world. With such features and the prestige of the campus and the city itself, I would be honored to attend NYU.

I will be glad to help with your essay if you like.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Christmas Eve dinner; UChicago - Invent A Past For Present Supplement [23]

Hi there,

First thing, this is an amazing story. One that flows beautifully and manages to grab and hold the reader's attention throughout its duration. The ending is perfect.

The only small thing I would change is:

The day I look forward to each year is Christmas day and it isn't because of Christmas Eve dinner or the exchange of expensive gifts between the members of my extended family,it'sbut it is because of this 'formality'.

Could you please read and give me some suggestions on my common app essay?
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Envl Club/Upgrade library/Not specific;UVirginia;Extracurricular/Project/Place [8]

Hi there,

Firstly I really like the image you created with your words.

"My favorite place to get lost is any library in the world." Maybe change that to My favorite place to get lost is the library, any library in the world. Or something else? It just seems a bit awkward right now.

"So why libraries?
Books. They're a part of me libraries happen to hold, that's all." The wording is a bit off...
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Puke sky? Carnegie Mellon Supplementary Essay [11]

Thank you for the feedback! Yeah it does sound a bit like a brochure haha. But do you think I should talk more about what I'm gonna do with the undergraduate degree in the future?

Sure no problem!
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Urban/Intimate/Diverse community/Excellent academic reputation ;BU- Good fit [9]

Hi there,

Sorry what? "Being a native of New York, I knew that I loved the city. Upon my realization, Boston University came to mind." But Boston is not in New York...

I think this is a nicely written piece of work and it shows that you know the school. However, it focuses a bit too much on the school. They already know they have an awesome program. You should talk about how you decided on your major THEN how BU's COM program compliments it.

Please help with my carnegie mellon supplement! Any suggestions or comments are appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Background's Influence on Types of Problems You Want Solved - Harvey Mudd Supp. [2]

Hi there,

"Slowly approaching my high school career, I began to notice the strains of my tuition on my mother, who I still believe the main breadwinner of my family."

"After being rejected to various jobs, I took to selling various snacks and foods to other students, even though it is forbidden on campus, in order to help pay for my multiple AP's, SAT's, and my volleyball dues." <- I don't think you should mention that it was forbidden on campus...

Overall, great essay with a nice structure. My suggestion is to either delete or edit the second to last paragraph as it kind of disrupts the flow.

Please help me with my carnegie mellon supplement! Any suggestions or comments is greatly appreciated.
alicederp   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I formed a five-girl team; CommonApp- Significant experience [8]

"leaving me (to be?) the only one who was still contributing. " should be "as".

"Rushing out of the bottle, the water not only wetted my clothes but also dampened my passion for victory" should be "wet" I think.

Overall good essay and elaboration on what you did with what you learned from this experience ties everything up neatly, perfectly answering the prompt.