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Posts by gmad06
Joined: Jun 16, 2013
Last Post: Nov 25, 2013
Threads: 20
Posts: 151  
Likes: 55
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 171 / page 1 of 5
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gmad06   
Nov 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth [14]

well here are some of your mistakes:

In comparison with the old and the youth

the old and the young in comaprison

some cultures believesthat the old age

others consider the youth deserve more youth.

wrong words..

Survey made by an financial magazine

articles...

that the multinational companies are likely

articles..

the variation of your vocabulary is very minimal,try to go for synonyms like elderly, aged, minors, teens, children

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Nov 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth [14]

First of all, why are you posting your friend's work on his behalf. It may be confusing to proofread two writings in a single thread.

So I suggest to post the second writing in another thread.

Your writing needs improvement to a large extent. I am not sure if its because you wrote it in a short span of time. But as a reader,

I came across a lot of distractions like incorrect spelling, wrong usage of articles and words. If you just started writing, try to initially
target a writing which could yield you a high remark regardless of time. Eventually you will learn to write faster and better. Do some
reading to improve your grammar.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Nov 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] learning a foreign language in my own country or anther country [4]

hi. You have to be careful in choosing your words to describe your idea, like in the sentence below
you should have chosen encourage instead of stimulate. The latter seems awkward to read

to learn language is a good environment to stimulate people to learn language

another example is the sentence below

could not even buy food to sacrifice my hunger

read more and you will overcome this problem

hope this helps
gmad06   
Oct 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world - about coherence, academic style [7]

In the present day, whether human are independent or dependent on each other has sparked great concerns.

not a good starting sentence;it is basically what is written in your prompt.

My writing will critically analyze both sides of this issue based on some reasons below.

this is unnecessary; try to rephrase if you must

your ideas are great, however some of them aren't properly sequenced, it took me a couple of re-reads to
grasp the concept
you also did not fully ellaborate your discussion on the relation of modernization with dependency among humans

hope this helps..
gmad06   
Oct 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / ielts essay : water should be always free. governments should ban bottled water. [4]

hi,
I noticed several grammatical errors which made your sentences misleading. try to review your work
by paragraphs to avoid these mistakes.

Nowadays, water has become a popular commodity all over the world. Many opt for bottled water as most of the other sources in the ecosystem have been polluted and contaminated. Although mankind has the right to have free access to water, I strongly disagree to the debarment of selling sanitized bottled waters.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Oct 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'optimum utilization of available resources' - Inequality between rich and poor nations [6]

I think you have good ideas for the prompt, targeting the leaders of poorer nations as a reason behind a country's poverty.
However, I think you need to reorganize the flow of your essay to make it more logical to read.

you need not to mention every possible way to fix the gap issue, just stick to what is aligned to the causes you have
mentioned in your main paragraphs.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Oct 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts topic: Is it justified for the entertainers to earn huge salaries? [8]

This is not related to your task. It is better to mention another reason why entertainers should earn higher salaries in your second paragraph.
For the conclusion, it is enough to talk about things in this world which are inevitable. Promoting charitable acts would be off-topic.

hope this helps.
gmad06   
Oct 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly [3]

Drug abuse is a dangerous social curse for modern generation

The youth are prone to havingtake drugsduring they feelin times of frustration and depression

These are good starting sentences for your paragraphs...

Let's do this on a different approach...
I have a question for you, by reading the prompt. How do you interpret it? What are the things you should talk about?
gmad06   
Oct 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / We should look at computers advantages and research to utilize them in a good manner. [6]

The advancement of modern technology has facilitated the way of life for most people. Among these products, computers have been regarded as the most wonderful invention as it has provided convenience in almost all aspects in everyday living. However inspite all this, arguments about its benefits and drawbacks are still inevitable.

You need to re-organize your sentences so that the reader can fully grasp the concept of your ideas...Reading the writings of others will help you tackle this issue.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Oct 7, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : What contributes for a GOOD JOB? University education or job experience? [6]

Hi hisho,

For me your essay looks monotonous. Your ideas are circling around what is it like to have a good job. It is good
to start at talking about how and why people want to be successful in their careers but you shouldn't focus there.
Your main idea should be about the different paths, education or experience, and compare both. Speak about which
one is more effective for you and why.

How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You failed to respond to both tasks in your essay..

Hope this helps..
gmad06   
Oct 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; People who have committed a crime should always be in jail ? [4]

However, arguments have been made that all types of crimes being violated should be directly sent to prison, as will now be discussed .

This is your thesis sentence, and in most cases you would probably mislead the reader from your actual essay prompt because
of missing information. A simple statement about your thesis is "should crimes have equal punisments regardless of severity?"

Moreover, this type of punishment can build up a sense of patriotism.

I implore you not to have this kind of structure for your essay, having concise paragraphs are difficult to achieve, possible but not easy. What you need is a

more conventional structure to start with, like having one main idea in each paragraph and expand them with explanation and examples.

Another thing, since you disagree with the prompt, try to incline your ideas against the theory not a balanced one like what you did.

mentioning your stand in the introduction paragraph also looks better.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Oct 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / Solving the gap between rich and poor nations requires much effort from governments - IELTS [5]

Hi,

You wrote a good essay, however I think you fail to completely respond to the task. You were suppose
to talk about how the gap between poor and rich nations expanded. Why the poor gets poorer and the rich
gets richer. Well you did talk about aspects how countries get poorer, but this is not sufficient enough to
satisfy the essay prompt.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2.........Eating habits and lifestyle of children and their effects [2]

Overall you need to do a lot of work on organizing your ideas and deliver it well.

It is obvious that every person has his/her own lifestyle and eating habits and it is clear that you need to eat to continue living your life but sometimes food can be a dangerous thing and it can be a curse if we don't know how to eat or what to eat especially for children whose bodies are still growing and it is like building a house if the bases are wrong it will fall one day

This is way too long and as a result the whole idea is unclear. Break it into simple and more meaningful sentences.

In addition lifestyle is a very important thing and it can be defined as the way the person lives so we really need to know how to live correctly.

this sentence should have been a very good starter for one of your body paragraphs, however I do think you need to rephrase it a bit

for example:people consisting

do not do this in an IELTS writing essay.

Both body paragraphs one and two are talking about eating habits and lifestyle, you should have separated them in different paragraphs.
I mean you should talk about the changes of eating habits in the first paragraph and lifestyle in the second. It is essential to talk about

one main idea only per paragraph. This provides a better flow of your writing.

Some people say this has had a negative effect on their health.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Give a clear response to this question

Mind your capitalization and spacing after punctuations. Obviously they are not typos.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / People naturally resist making changes in their lives.What kind of problems can this cause [4]

Hi saddream,

First of all, I hope you can provide the complete essay task next time as it is essential for us to
give a more efficient advice.
You do need to work on your grammar and choice of words such as nature instead of natural, operating system instead of operation system
this problem requires a lot of reading to be addressed

But in my opinion, I strongly believe changes are virtually inevitable and resist it would solely make the problems even worse.

this sentence should be removed, the task ask you to discuss what are the effects of people's resistance to change and why such...not to give your

own opinion and especially not to disagree with the idea..

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / [toefl] people born with certain talents or they are taught? [6]

The good news is I am not really an examiner, so the idea I have given is merely an advise coming from my experiences
and of others. In exams however, we prefer to be in the safer side that is why most of us stick to conventional ways of writing.

I am not really an expert of TOEFL but I am pretty sure they also provide band descriptors similar to IELTS.

But if I really must, I would limit myself in using those pronouns only in my opinion paragraph.
gmad06   
Sep 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / [toefl] people born with certain talents or they are taught? [6]

Hi marmaria,

These are my comments:

Once I read a story about the famous basketball player, MikaelMichael Jordan, who was once fired from his school's basketball team because his couchcoach did not find him enough talented. But he decided to show everyone he could play basketball, he achieved his goal by trying hard.

In my opinion, this sentence is an example. Instead of starting your paragraph with an example, you should begin it with an idea, perhaps about perseverance and success which is relevant to your example.

Secondly, be mindful when spelling out names of very famous people.You don't want to grab the reader's attention with these errors.

No matter how talented you are, if you do not try hard, you would not be able to develop you talents. I know some students with high IQ, but they do not try to do well at school. They are talented but as long as they neglect their education, they would not be assumed as good students.

Apparently, this is another idea and should be placed in a different paragraph, or better yet this can be a good statement for your opinion.

others claim talents are the results of trainings and hard working .

parallelism

Avoid using I,you,...third person sounds more formal, ( person,people,individual,one, etc. )
and of course, you have improved a lot..so keep it up.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; governments should give financial support to creative artists [4]

Arts enrich our lives and society. Artists create their own thought that has a significant impact on the way of life. Their creativity is appreciated and helpful for the nations

this is too long to grab a reader's attention..merge this three sentences to make it catchy.

I believe both government and other sources should be funded.

This sentence convey a different meaning than what you are trying to say.

Governments do need to look at creative artists. Because any genuine artist aims to make some arts better for his native land . In art project a huge money needs to create, financial support is vital for them otherwise, it is impossible for them to build a new project. They require government's assistance and help. There are many works in public the place for example, in my country, sculptures and statues are erected in the centre of cross-roads. These symbolize our liberation war. So it is easy for us to practice our cultural activities. They serve to protect our culture and heritage and we are proud about them.

your main ideas should be the phrase highlighted in blue or the other highlighted in green.these are the aspects you should talk about for this paragraph.

summary:
change your intro paragraph:talk about artists, the theory about financing them and your opinion.
1st idea:how the society will benefit if govt is funding artists
2nd idea:why should artists source out other establishments for their fundings, mention samples of financial sources too
conc:relate both ideas to your opinion

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Students benefit from going to private secondary school? [5]

I like the comments provided by gmad06 and hope you pay attention to what he/she cites. Also, I've found gmad06's essays are very good and suggest you to read them too :)

thanks Pahan. I am fattered with your comments...:)
gmad06   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Plato statement - There are many different types of music; Why we need it? [6]

From my perspective, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International pop music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. In the long run, it makes people feel bored because they listen them in lon g time. Traditional music, by contrast, expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. Furthermore, it connects us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. Traditional music is a sense of history, place and community.

and then give examples to further lengthen this paragraph

By way of conclusion, , music is a necessary part of human existence, and I believe that traditional music should be given more importance than international music.

this is obviously a reword...this isn't a proper way of closing an essay...

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 The best way of spreading news [6]

This kind of question is a bit strange to me for an IELTS exam. Do we get this in the real IELTS exam? What will be a good structure for this essay question?

Yes it is possible to get tasks like these and to answer your question, you have a very good example right in front of you...

Another way of doing the essay is as follows:
Intro: Background sentence about methods of spreading news
your answer to the question:According to your opinion what is the best media to use?
Ideas: Explain your answer to the question, state two aspects on how your choice supersedes
other forms of spreading the news, explain each aspect in a paragraph,give samples
Conclusion: Overall view of thesis

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 The best way of spreading news [6]

first of all, more or less you have used the word 'news' 16 times..try to use other synonyms like
articles, stories, current events...be keen on this always.

ideas for paragraph two and three are quite similar ( convenience & spreading the news in different ways )
how about talking on freedom of opinion on paragraph 2 instead...

you have responded to the task very well, a slight change on your structure and a few examples
would definetely get you good marks..cheers

hope this helps.
gmad06   
Sep 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] For me the influence of my friends was more highlighted than impact of the school [17]

sad to say, yes you do need to work on harder with grammar and word selection.

a)start with learning the articles a,an,the, and their differences
b)be keen on subject predicate relation, if subject is plural verb should be in plural form also
c)observe uniformity of verb tense within a sentence

try to read about them, or browse through the works of others in this forum.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Issue on Retirement Age! Agree or Disagree? [5]

There are grammar and vocabulary errors but I would just focus more on the content. I think having two
ideas as a response to the theory would be sufficient, three looks a bit crowded in my opinion.

In addition, your first idea somehow contradicts your introduction. The idea in the first paragraph is about the health hazards of
an employee but in your introduction you mentioned that quality of life improved.
I think it is better two stick with both ideas, productivity and unemployment rates, these aspects undoubtedly are sufficient to make your
essay strong.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Retirement age at 60/65.What is your opinion. [5]

Hi muffle,

thanks for the suggestions, I do think you were confused of the phrase below...

...are appreciated

subject for the sentence is "their presence"that's why it should be singular...

You should not use he/she in an IELTS essay.

I get your point on this, however I intend to approach this essay on a personal manner since the
whole task is suppose to be my opinion. Thus, I think using the nouns Ď" and "˙our"would still be appropriate.
Don't you think so?
gmad06   
Sep 10, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Retirement age at 60/65.What is your opinion. [5]

thanks in advance for reading through my work...

TASK:Some people think that one should retire at the age of 60 or 65. Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they want to.

What is your opinion about this?


It is a common practice for most people to stop working at the age of 60 or 65 as it is believed that employees are no longer qualified to do their job beyond these ages. However, recent reports denies this theory, it has been proven that mankind is capable of working even at an older age. In my opinion, anyone should be allowed to work for as long as he desires providing that the individual is still physically fit.

Many employers believe that workers who are 60 years and older, are no longer productive in their job. In addition, they may impose danger not only to themselves but also towards their colleagues. However, this should not be the case and it is not a permissible reason to deny workers' rights. If safety measures are properly observed, it is certain that accidents would be avoided. Furthermore, if management observes that an employee is no longer capable of doing his task, they can choose to send the worker into an improvement plan or reassign the person to a position where he could be more efficient. For example, if a supervisor notices their employee is too old to drive, the person should be transferred to a designation which is lesser prone to danger such as a Document Controller.

Aside from the aspect of productivity at work, people also tend to get more sensitive once they reach seniority. They don't want to be dependent to their children. Moreover, neither do they want to be a burden to their families. Most elderly want to feel their presence is appreciated, especially at the last stages of their lives. Thus, they should not be deprived of this feeling.

In conclusion, I personally think retirement should be a voluntary choice and authorities or employers should be there to aid the needs of workers for them to continue their jobs, instead of discouraging them. A person is deemed to be happier and satisfied if he retires in his own will.
gmad06   
Sep 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS (Letter)- Invite your friend for a vacation [3]

How are you? Hope everything goes well with you and have a great time with your family

this sounds odd, stick with the standard phrase - Hope everything goes well with you and your family

The reason that I am writing to you is that I am going to take a one-week leave and I am planning for a vacation. I heard that you have recently taken a course for becoming a tour leader. Therefore, I think you definitely have much information about different attractive places that I can choose. As a result, I would be grateful if you could accompany me in this vacation. I am sure you do not reject my request because a person who is a tour leader undoubtedly likes travelling.

I am writing to inform you that I am planning to have a vacation for a week and I was hoping you could accompany me on this trip. I think you definitely have much information about different attractive places as I heard you recently took a course on becoming a tour leader.

I am sure you do not reject my request because a person who is a tour leader undoubtedly likes travelling.

move this to your last paragraph

We could meet each other at Qaemshahr Bus Station at 7:00 AM

and this one as well

The place for going to vacation, date and time to meet all are suggestions though

take a command on this trip, after all you should be the one planning this. you can however tell him that you are open for suggestions.

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Teachers should not talk about their personal viewpoints like the social and political ones. [5]

You have a good essay and your structure is perfect as a response to the task. There are however some points
which if modified, would make your paragraphs stronger.

This is an issue that has been discussed a lot and I think it is important because it is related with teaching and education which play important roles in students' lives

You should change this sentence, especially the highlighted one. Do not ask the reader to refer to the essay prompt
for him to grasp a better understanding of your essay. Mention the topic, talk about a lecturer's opinion and how it
affects students.

First, because it is not one of their duties to do so

Rephrase this so it wont sound redundant..

hope this helps...
gmad06   
Sep 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age [6]

Personally I don't see the reason to include you view in the introduction, maybe I'm mistaken.
Somebody help please! :)

In a prompt like this, you should mention your opinion in the introduction and further ellaborate it in the conclusion paragraph.
Don't make your opinion a surprise especially if it is being asked.

With the incredible economic growth, the working and living condition has been significant improved in recent decades

The incredible economic growth in the recent decades has made a significant improvement to the working and living conditions of mankind.

Great ideas! It is a common practice however to discuss the opposing idea first, followed by the idea you are in favor of. This gives your

essay a more smoother logical flow.

hope this helps....

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