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Posts by eddies [Contributor]
Name: Eddy Suaib, an EssayForum Contributor & IELTS Teacher
Joined: Jan 13, 2014
Last Post: Dec 15, 2019
Threads: 25
Posts: 1,208  
Likes: 476
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

Displayed posts: 1233 / page 28 of 31
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eddies  [Contributor]  
Mar 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS;More & more people are relying on private cars as their major means of transport [4]

In the conclusion, i would like to highlight the importance of public transport and walking for substitution of car. It creates healthy environment and has good impact on our health.

You write well. However, it is nicer if you could construct the concluding paragraph with this following structure:

This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph. Hopefully, this works well.
THE CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH
This has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1 a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Mar 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / University student should stay away from their parents in most country; Agree or Disagree? [3]

Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Then study samples from its essays. This will make you familiar to the writing style.

students studied from hostel or pain guest isare highly negative effect to their study and life style thus, . As a result, I personally believed that candidateS should be joined boarding school or university to unexpected circumstances which faced parents and students.

However, students diverted some bad habits and also joined dirty pertinent which can be possible to spoil their carrier like having smoking, tobacco chewing, drugs etc., it is seen that some junior scholar faced scholar so, its highly stressful for all junior and some hostel cannot be provided hygienic food and clean room. So, it is bad for health. Lastly, parents suffered from all thinks like money and carrier of their naughty child.

You'd better show one-two examples from this paragraph.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task II : Illiteracy rates by region and gender; 'it was tearful' [12]

The bar chart below portrayedshows the estimation of world literacy by gender and region in year 2000. However, there are four groups of different regionS

I'm not sure the word "portrayed" could cover the meaning you need. Have you checked it with your dictionary?

tearfu

Have you checked this word with your dictionary?

neighboring

Have you checked this word with your dictionary?
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Hours of leisure time per year in Someland [5]

This is I reveal from internet, "Wherease is a conjunction which is used when making comparisons and saying that something is true of one person, thing, or situation, but it is different for another" .

25 hours are used by 40s and 50s age group to visit in cinema, whereas a group exercise is not done with the 60s and the over 70s age group.

Whereas people aged 40s and 50s go for the 25 long-hour cinema visit, people aged 60s and 70s show no interest in sport.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Hours of leisure time per year in Someland [5]

25 hours are used by 40s and 50s age group to visit in cinema, whereas the 60s and the over 70s did not do a group exercise.

This entire sentence should be written in the present tense because it discusses no a limited time.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 population in yemen and italy [5]

The pie charts illustrate about population humans in 2000 and prediction number of citizens in Yemen and Italy in 2050. It is classified in three age range.

Make the intro simple, one sentence. The pie charts illustrate about general population classified in three age groups in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050.

People who had age between 15-59 years old and children in Yemen were almost equal in 2000, while old generations only had 3,6%.

By comparison with people aged 60 and more, the ages of populations between 6-14 and 15-59 almost equalled the record.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Wealthy nations among poorer nations; 'level of export' [5]

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? Discuss.

================================================================= =============

Answer:

Economic growth of a country determines the wealthy level of its citizen. A country which has a high level of export compared to its import tends to have a better economic condition. In this context, to keep the level of export, the country needs to maintain a good relationship with other countries. Therefore, the related country does some actions, includes giving some helps for other countries' education. There is nothing wrong with this action as long as it can be beneficial for both sides. However, it should be highlighted that this kind of help is something that the country cannot rely on. If the country keeps on relying on this kind of help, there will be some mess happened whenever the help is no longer given. Therefore, there should be awareness for the country itself, especially the government, to improve its economic condition by doing some pro active actions. There are some reasons that support this argument.

First, the country can own a balanced economic condition. The country could develop its strong economic sector. It is better for the country to give focus on the certain fields only, rather than developing many fields but could not get optimal result. This action makes sense rather than keep hoping other countries help as there is no guarantee that economic condition of a country will remain stable. The country which usually gives help might get worse economic condition when it is attacked by another country, or suffered from natural disasters. Therefore, it will be safer for the country itself when the government realizes this factual condition by keep doing the positive effort for a better economic condition.

Furthermore, the government needs to maintain the political stability of the country. It is a very important step to do as politic and economy always go hand in hand. When a country has a stable political condition, it will also affect positively on its economy. Many investors will willingly invest its fund when they feel their money safe. So, the result will also be positive for both countries.

To conclude, I believe that it is better for the government to put the best effort to improve the economic condition and maintain the political stability of the country rather than merely relying on other countries' help.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: WHY DO YOU NEED MUSIC? [5]

Please write the prompt completely. Therefore, your readers are easy to share meaningful feedback.

In conclution, the music is very necessary in the life. Whatever it is music has been one of the major part time experiences for human beings. Music keeps everyone rejuvenated throughout his life, which proves its necessity.

It is nicer if you could construct this paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: WHO DECIDE TO CHOOSE SUBJECT FOR CHILDREN [4]

To conclude, it is true that the responsibility for choosing subjects should be certainly of the governments to make proper approach to forward benefits of the children.

It is nicer if you could construct this into:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: advantages and disadvantages of working mother [4]

If we compare the condition in the past and nowadays is quite different.

I prefer to place all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. Like this:Comparing to the past era, today's life is quite different. This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Born talents or Experiences - which is the major influence? [7]

Although people with inherit develop resemble interest or personality but this just in few case.

This is a fragment sentence . Revised:
Although many inherited people develop a close resemblance between interest and personality, this separately considers few cases.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Paid work must be appreciated but it must be good for children's health and mind [5]

they earn more as compared to other works to support their families, as well as these works develop confidence and teach the students how to be a good member of society and introduce their country in world as a best country.

This may be edited for length and clarity.
they earn more as compared to other works to support their families. In addition, these works develop confidence and teach the students how to be a good member of society. As a result, the students introduce their country in world as a best country.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Undergraduate / Columbia GS Essay from perspective of former semi professional hockey player [3]

I thrive in a hockey environment not only because of my passion for the game, but because it pushes me mentally,

I think this is not an appropriate place for Parallelism. I thrive in a hockey environment not only because ofthis is my passion for the game, but also because it pushes me mentally...

This is I reveal from the internet. Parallelism with not only... but also can be a difficult correlative conjunction to work with because of the extra words and their placement in the sentence. Just remember to use two verbs that make chronological sense, two adjectives, or two nouns.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 26, 2014
Scholarship / Scholarship essay towards a college summer program [3]

Overall, I see you can write well. However, you'd better narrow this statement to bring clarity of this content. ---- >

I prioritize to meet my full potential in various ways.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, [9]

may you tell me about this band score???

I suggest you to read the IELTS Writing descriptors to estimate the score of your writing. There do you compare each point: Task Responses, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resources, and Grammar.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some people argue that it is more importsnt to have enjoyable job that to earn a lot. [6]

Some people think that it is better to have a delightfull job, while others argue that a good salary is more beneficial.

I prefer to place all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. Like this: While others argue that a good salary is ..., some people think that it is better... This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.

To begin with we spend at least 30% of our day at work,

To begin with, people spend gigantic hours at work.

octors enterpreneurs are crazy about their works

What do you want to say here? This sentence leads me a bit confused. If you could, then please re-write this.

Is it the IELTS or TOEFL essay? Help your readers by showing what this essay is for.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Some people deny changes and choose to stay in their comfort zone [10]

Some people, however, against changes and chooses to stay in their comfort zone; while, the others have hard effort to get variation in their life.

I prefer to place all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. Like this: While others have..., some people... This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.

To sum up, it is difficult to overcome from a good condition; therefore, we might brave to move forward for self actualization purposes.

This is the pattern for the concluding paragraph I suggest:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Diagram of Earthquake-resistant buildings [5]

Rectangular, is the grand shape of the figures.

and

Heigh, is the main main differences of the buildings

In between a subject and a verb, there is no a comma.

apartment is taller than house, so metal support to strengthen interlinear wall purpose is used.

To tell you the truth, this is a very very very bad sentence. I strongly suggest you to find out materials discussing how to construct better sentences.

InOn the other hand,

If you want to take IELTS exam as early as possible, please pay particular attention to grammar and whole points in the table of IELTS writing descriptors.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
Without capital punishment (the death penalty) our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is in essential to control violence in society. Discuss.

================================================================= ================
Answer:

Giving capital punishment has been a controversy for years. Some people believe that this kind of punishment is essential to apply because they believe criminals tend to repeat their crime as they live for it. However, some others believe that imprison criminals for quit long time will be better as it is more humane. At the same time, this punishment can make criminals get intimidated. Then, it can prevent them for repeating the same mistakes.

When a country omits the application of this punishment, the increasing of violence is one of problems which some people are worried about. Further, people' live is in danger as they have to live together in the society with criminals who can live freely after they are out of prison. This worry does not emerge without any strong reasons. However, as a wise country, the application of this kind of punishment may not be applied without any other deep thoughts.

People need to get a second chance. So are criminals, who had done various kinds of crimes. They might get bless to realize that what they did are totally mistakes. If they get no chance to live, it means that they get no chance to repent his or her sins. It is not fair for them. Moreover, there is also humane side that is conflicted. Countries which apply capital punishment will shows to its younger generations that love is not on the top priority for them. This will affect the mentality forming process of young generations. Young generations will also relate this value in other sides of their life. They will tend to be less tolerant to themselves and others.

Further, I think it will be wiser for the country to guide the criminals to find his or her way back to normal life, with a full-self awareness that what they did in the past is something that they want to leave behind. The changing of mindset of the criminal is much more worthy than any other ways to stop the improving level of criminality in a country.

In conclusion, I think the application of capital punishment is not necessarily taken by a country. There are some other kinds of punishment that can be applied which not only making them get intimidated to repeat the same mistake but also keeping the country's humane side.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, [9]

Okey...

Here do I show a few you should work with:

But, for children it depends on the areas and types of the work.

I prefer to use "however" instead of "but" in the first of the sentence. "But" sometimes is used in the middle of the sentence.

Some works are important and refine characters of the children. On the other hand, some works are proved to be hard for child's health.

Follow this: "While/ Although some works are proved...., some are important and refine..." Placing all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.

paid work must be appreciated (a comma) but it must be good for children's health and mind

they earn more as compared to other works to support their families, as well as, these works develop confidence and teach the students how to be a good member of society and introduce their country in world as a best country.

If you could, you'd better split these sentences. Therefore, your readers area easy to follow the logical order.

Good luck for your exam :)

Thanks.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / attending in university [4]

You tend to overuse certain words for this essay. If this comes in the real exam, then I am afraid that you can't even beat the time.

First, they can improve their prospects for life. Second, they find a great chance to learn and discover new things. Third, they establish professional connections in the university.

You'd better not mention these points in intro. Save them for bodies of para.

Attending university give a great chance to student getting involved in extracurricular activities which shows you honour commitments, know how to prioritize and meet deadline, team work, being a leadership, can multitask, have good networking and social skills, care enough about the world around you, and intelligently managing time, all of the skills beside the main field of study result in increases chance of putting in the head of the game as you are looking for a decent job although some field of study have lower graduate employment rate than others, and then one of the evaluation of the quality of the life is a job's traits.

You'd better shorten these sentences. The reason is to help your readers easy understand the main point you have.

I was interested in studying on the electrical circuits, this dream leads me to go to the university and open up a new world for me to investigate and follow my dream, I got a great chance to irrigate my ideas and implement them a reality, and collecting a best friends with stellar behavior.

This pattern runs together. Therefore, it is hard to gain what the purpose of this sentence. I suggest you to split this by putting one-two conjunctions.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl Topic: which is better? Gaining knowledge from books or experience? [2]

This repetition of linguistic information.

In my opinion, I think personal experience can benefit our knowledge in myriad ways.

In my point of view, I think it inclines the larger possibility

the last benefactor will certainly involve career.

I am bit confused for this sentence. What do you want to emphasize? If this doesn't have anything to say in a strong way related to your topic, then this is going to be out of topic.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Letters / student exchange application letter [3]

I'm not the one who knows about

a formal exchange student aplication letter to korean university

. However, I have a few to share.
First Para: talking about your interest in student's exchange programme, which might be relevant for your future career.
Second Para: background education. Here you can say one-two personal stories you face when facing this study
Third Para: Responsibilities related to your study, or extracurricular activities if any.
Fourth Para: Closing statement indicating your expecting for the reply.

Hopefully, it works :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Usually directors are paid much higher salaries than simple workers. [3]

You write well. A few details it however takes:
From Paragraph 1:

Some people believe that they are deserved to earn it because of their high education, responsibility and skills while others are against of it

I prefer to place all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. Like this: While others are against..., some people believe.... . This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.

From Paragraph 2:

On the one hand, it is a true that most directors have higher education than its staffs. It is a face that when people's education level increases, rate of earning also rises, even directors are exemption. They are highly likely to have tertiary education from top universities. Furthermore, responsibility they shoulder is much heavy than others. Decision they made about business is matter of failure or success. They bear higher responsibility while competing in the stiff market. Therefore, their responsibility should be equivalent to their salary. Similarly, they are much skillful than others by acquiring leadership and communication skills that are vital for negotiations and deals.

I think you should narrow this point by giving one-two real-life story. Therefore, your readers are easy to follow what you are saying. But, overall you write well :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Undergraduate / High School Architecture Summer Camp Entrance Essay [4]

In translation, architecture is an applied science that recognizes the unique challenges a construction site presents in order to find innovative and clever ways of sustaining a building.

I think you should narrow this point by giving one-two real-life story. Therefore, your readers are easy to follow what you are saying. But, overall you write well :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Essay: Chorleywood Village development [3]

It is nicer if you could write an overview for this visual writing.

Rail track was constructed in 1909 and it extends throughout the southern boundary of Chorleywood Park.

I am not sure enough that this word could cover what you mean

The Main Roads became the north and west boundaries while Motorway which was established in 1970 ,goes along the eastern side.

I am bit confused for this part. Can you please re-write?
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Undergraduate / I am a girl who's beyond lucky; UW Seattle transfer [6]

I have read your writing. Overall, it is good. a few details it takes: can you shorten this sentence for me? I am bit confused

Although my dad would love if I pursued engineering like him, or a career in the medical field, i have no interest in such subjects, but rather I have always been interested in world news, and helping people.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Report of Numeracy Skill in 24 Countries [10]

In the nutshell, whereas based on quantity countries out of Europe are less, their inhabitants strongly enough in numeracy skill, indeed.

This is a fragment sentence. You need a main sentence to lead your reader understanding the topic of this paragraph.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Queen's PSE: Describe a challenging experience and what you have learned from it. [3]

These challenges are what cement us as students, efficient and ambitious, however they show little insight into how we deal with what's outside our comfort zone.

I think you should narrow this point by giving one-two real-life story. Therefore, your readers are easy to follow what you are saying. But, overall you write well :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / The chart below display skill levels of male and female employees in a British company in [5]

It is clearly that the percentage of male with highly skilled is nearly as twice as the category in female, ( a conjunction here) 31% male with highly skilled is much higher than 16% famale's.

I am not sure enough this is the right sentences. This indicates run-on sentences. (two main sentences running together)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Housing owned and rented in UK [11]

Then, this measure involves four groups

I am not sure enough this is the appropriate word.

This succeeds marked the developing in UK economical growth

If you could, try not to stick your personal statement here. Measure this task objectively.

from 5 percent to 15 percent in 2005.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

Hellooo Freinds...

I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. Discuss.

=================================================================
Answer:

There will always be someone to blame for a problem arose in the society. We can take a look at government for example. Government becomes the one that is blamed by many groups of people when there are problems in some sectors including economy and politic. In fact, we know that government should not be the only one that is blamed as there are other factors that are related to the emergence of the problem.

Similarly, a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing. The fact that many women decide to work becomes the main reason for blaming them. Many groups of people think that career women are no longer placing family as her priority these days as they are busy working.

Personally, I disagree with this judgment. A career woman should not be the one who is merely responsible for young generation's development. Environment, family, and technology are also determined a lot in forming the characteristics of young generation.

Environment which covers school and friend could affect the level of juvenile delinquency. When a child is stuck in a wrong group where they spend most of their time, they will be influenced to do the same actions. At the same time, family is also a determining factor for a child's future. In this context, mother plays a big role, but other family members such as father and the child's sibling also hold a great influence as they become first persons to talk to. Furthermore, the improvement of technology nowadays could lead children to do some bad sections as well since they get free access from internet which enables them to walk in inappropriate path. Well, it is true that technology has two sides in life, both positive and negative.

In conclusion, I believe that being a career woman is not merely a factor for the increasing level of juvenile delinquency. Therefore, in order to decrease its number, there should be coordination among related sides to go hand in hand in coping it.

eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Task 2. Crime and Punishment. IELTS [9]

For me, you write well enough. Also, if you could, you might construct your conclusion with this structure:

The Concluding Paragraph has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay.
The final comment can be:
a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Equal number of gender in the universities entrance [12]

It would be nice if you could end your concluding paragraph with this structure. You'd better try :)
The Concluding Paragraph has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay.
The final comment can be:
a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : The Freedom of Creativity [5]

You write well. Just pay attention to your grammatical mechanics. Also, if you could, you might construct your conclusion with this structure:
The Concluding Paragraph has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay.
The final comment can be:
a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: Dress reflects Chracter [10]

if you could, you might construct your conclusion with this structure:
The Concluding Paragraph has three parts:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay.
The final comment can be:
a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)

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