Writing Feedback /
attending in university [4]
You tend to overuse certain words for this essay. If this comes in the real exam, then I am afraid that you can't even beat the time.
First, they can improve their prospects for life. Second, they find a great chance to learn and discover new things. Third, they establish professional connections in the university.
You'd better not mention these points in intro. Save them for bodies of para.
Attending university give a great chance to student getting involved in extracurricular activities which shows you honour commitments, know how to prioritize and meet deadline, team work, being a leadership, can multitask, have good networking and social skills, care enough about the world around you, and intelligently managing time, all of the skills beside the main field of study result in increases chance of putting in the head of the game as you are looking for a decent job although some field of study have lower graduate employment rate than others, and then one of the evaluation of the quality of the life is a job's traits.
You'd better shorten these sentences. The reason is to help your readers easy understand the main point you have.
I was interested in studying on the electrical circuits, this dream leads me to go to the university and open up a new world for me to investigate and follow my dream, I got a great chance to irrigate my ideas and implement them a reality, and collecting a best friends with stellar behavior.
This pattern runs together. Therefore, it is hard to gain what the purpose of this sentence. I suggest you to split this by putting one-two conjunctions.