Writing Feedback / Each country has distinct music types. Music is one of the most popular arts in the world. [3]

Akbar, when you develop your thesis statement, specially when it should connect to a specific instruction from the prompt, make sure that you present an overview of the discussion or reason behind your point of view which you will be discussing later on in the essay. In your current introduction, you do not have any transition sentence to prepare the reader for the sudden change in the tone of discussion from the presentation of the thesis statement going into your point of view. You can always say something along the lines of;

"There are sectors of society that believe that between the two types of music, traditional music is the more important one. I tend to share this point of view due to the inheritance and traditional factors associated with it. Details of which will be discussed below."

That way, you clearly indicate the discussions that will take place and allow the reader to anticipate the various changes in discussion topics.

The same line of reasoning applies to your second paragraph. You need to learn to use transition sentences in order to create a better understanding of the upcoming paragraph. Introduce the next topic at the end of the present paragraph. don't just hit the reader with it. If you use a transition sentence, you will show that you can logically think and write in the English language. At the moment, it feels like you are discussing two separated essay topics within one essay. It is not smoothly developed nor presented. The choppy presentation will show a lack of sentence device usage and ability. Which means a poor score showing in the end.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SOLUTION AND PROBLEM FROM MAINTAINING A SUCCESSFUL WORKER AND HAPPY FAMILY TIME [4]

Dynar, there is an existing conflict in your discussion. As part of your thesis statement, you have indicated that one of the possible solutions to the problem would be to have people prioritize their desires in order to prevent fatigue. If you review your essay, you will see that you did not discuss prioritizing desires in order to prevent fatigue. Instead, you spoke of a "priority list" that business executives have which they follow in order to help lessen the stress of their workload. I did not see any mention of this list int he opening statement, so why is it being discussed in the essay? Where in the essay did you speak of prioritizing your desires on order to alleviate stress? I don't believe I saw any discussion of that topic at all in your essay.

While you did discuss the professional opinion that forcing the brain to multitask could result in problems for the workers, you did not really accurately discuss the points that you presented in your opening statement. That is a major problem in your essay and, in the point of view of an examiner, shows a lack of focus and ability to create a fluid and inclusive discussion in English on your part. Always keep in mind that if you say it in the opening statement, you have to discuss it in the body of the essay. Otherwise, your essay will be deemed incomplete.

I am not saying that you cannot change or add to the discussion that you presented. What I am telling you, is that you need to first discuss the obvious reasons that you included in the opening statement before further adding information to the essay. Doing so will result in a stronger essay, a better developed English response, and prove your ability to discuss in English at great and proper length. Thus causing a better score for you at the end of the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SUITABLE PUNISHMENT FOR DRUG ADDICTS [2]

Dynar, the way you presented the introduction made it seem like you were going to discuss the death penalty. Specially since you mention "a dozen ways to punish a guilty man". I suggest that you revise your introduction to better suit the discussion. Drug Addiction, as a crime, does not warrant such a heavy punishment, as you have pictured in your essay. That, however, depends upon the crime enacted by the addict. if his only crime is addiction, then your opening sentence is too heavy, exaggerated, and scandalous in connotation. Just make the discussion simple and stick to the tone of the prompt. The tone of the prompt is light, not overly serious. Bat for the same tone. Exaggeration is never good be it in the spoken or written word.

So, here we go again with the discussion of the body paragraphs. You represented the pro, the con, and properly wrapped up your conclusion. Now, as I keep telling the future exam takers here. Once you finish writing your draft, and provided you have left ample time to edit, go back and read the prompt. Make sure you have discussed all of the points indicated so as not to lessen your possible final score. Your essay lacks a clear depiction of your personal opinion.

It seems like you tried to merge your personal opinion with the discussion of the benefits of hospitalizing a drug addict. However, that is not what the prompt requires. It clearly states that you have to discuss the two opinions, then properly outline your opinion of the discussion somewhere in the paragraphs you have developed. Please go back, clearly highlight your personal opinion, and then have your essay reviewed for proper grading.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task - 2 The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries [2]

Andri, you have presented some pretty good reasons for the discussion of the prompt. You have some grammar issues that the others have already addressed so I won't get into that anymore in my response. What I would like to call your attention to however, is the way that you discussed the essay. There is a problem with the conclusion that you presented.

I do not know if your tutor told you this or not but, you have to remember a very important point about developing your conclusion. You must never introduce new ideas or discuss an opinion within the concluding paragraph. Those points should always be discussed in a separate paragraph from the conclusion. The conclusion should only contain a proper summary of the discussion, restated prompt, and your personal opinion of the topic, if warranted. That said, the conclusion of this essay doesn't follow that requirement and thus, will lose you point during an actual test. Please practice writing the proper conclusion topics and format in your succeeding practice essays in order to ensure that you do not make the same mistake during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - People Need Music to Support Their Lives [3]

Masdar, further strengthen the discussion of your opening statement of this essay by presenting your opinion regarding the importance or lack of importance of traditional music in the music listening landscape of any country. Give a preview as to why you believe that traditional music is important to a nation. Connect it with the sadness of your discussion as to why people better prefer to listen to international music. That will highlight you English comprehension and logic abilities in the eyes of the examiner.

This is the reason why the music is very essential for people's lives.
- The line of reasoning is weak. You need to add more information such as how studies have shown that listening to music helps time pass faster due to the distraction it offers the person doing a repetitive activity and other similar facts.

However, they may lack of traditional music references.
- Where is the discussion as to the importance of traditional music? You said it saddened you to know that listeners prefer international music. This sentence should have served as the transition sentence into that required paragraph discussion. It should have been in the next paragraph. Double check the prompt. You will see that you neglected to respond to the most important prompt requirement given to you for discussion.

Undergraduate / "Growing up and Realizing what I want" - UW transfer personal statement [4]

Alexander, how you spell Hawaii out in the essay is a personal choice. Believe me, regardless of the special diction emphasis that you provide on paper, the reader will still read it the way that he wants to. The paper doesn't concentrate on how to pronounce Hawaii anyway so don't stress over it. Just concentrate on the other parts of the essay that you should be developing.

Now, there are some universities that expect the students to provide the essay discussion in the same form as the outline they provided in the application. Others, are not so strict about how you portray the information. My suggestion is that you contact the university and ask them how you are expected to deliver the discussion. That way you are sure to edit the paper in the expected manner.

Your essay pretty much presents all of the elements required per discussion. However, I did not see any personal hardships or obstacles indicated in your essay that could help better present the kind of personality that you have to reviewer. You need to better present an obstacle or hardship because that is one of the most important aspects of this essay. This tells him the kind of student you will become. How you react to pressure, stress, the demands of daily life and academics, or anything else that could affect your performance as a student at their school. The better you portray you story of overcoming the obstacles and hardships, the better an image you will have as a potential student.

Aside from that part which I feel is lacking in the essay, all that is left is to correct some minor grammar issues. I always hold back on those revisions in case there are changes to be made or additions to be made in the essay. There is no sense in correcting the grammar twice when you can do it just once :-)

Undergraduate / "Growing up and Realizing what I want" - UW transfer personal statement [4]

Alexander, my apologies for thinking that the essay required the portion about your personal hardships and educational challenges as they were indicated in your posting as being part of the required element of the prompt:


Anyway, since you don't really wish to present that sort of personal information to the reviewer, then that is your prerogative. However, that being the case, I would like to suggest that you remove the part about the history of your mom and grandmother as being migrants of the Vietnamese war. You see, the cultural understanding that you should be discussing in the essay is your cultural understanding of what makes you as a Vietnamese-Hawaiian-American a unique person. What is it about your culture, the mix of these cultures, that make you stand out? How does it help you to better understand those around you? What are the aspects of your culture that you are most proud of. Help the reviewer understand your mixed culture better. you are not solely Hawaiian, American, or Vietnamese. So who are you in terms of your cultural understanding?

Don't discuss it as just a summary or a reference point for your academic development. Try to introduce yourself to the reviewer in the way that you are most comfortable doing. That means, your personal information that you feel contains sensitive information is off the table. This is your preliminary interview, so be as open as possible with the reviewer. How else can he assess how you might be an asset to the university upon your admission? That is the main purpose for this essay so you should respond to it as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / Drug addicts should be jailed - IELTS 2 [2]

Sharfina, you usually have better English language usage than you have in this essay. I see a number of points that definitely point to a problem with your logical thought process when thinking in English. For starters, the following line is definitely not what you want to say in this essay:

Some would argue that addicted people to drugs should be sentenced in prison to make them consider doing inappropriate actions

The problem with that sentence is that you are implying that drug addicts should be sent to jail so that they can be encourage to do bad, wrong, criminal, or as you said "inappropriate" actions. Normally, the people who end up in jail do so because they are being prevented from doing bad, wrong, criminal, and inappropriate actions. That simple mistake in your thought process already guarantees a failing score for your essay. All because you were not able to present your actual message in the proper manner.

Your arguments in the later paragraphs clearly show that you did not mean to say what you did in the earlier paragraph. However, the first impression and initial score will already have been made at this point and the fact that your discussion in the succeeding paragraphs are correct, but your thesis statement is in error, means that you are unable to properly think in English, you cannot express yourself in English properly, you do not understand the meaning of basic English words, and you cannot write properly in English.

There is a lot riding on the proper development of your opening statement. It could spell the passing or failure of your essay. Please make sure to develop the weak points i enumerated during your succeeding practice tests.

Writing Feedback / Stokeford village: selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant [2]

... Stokeford v Village over THE PAST 8 decades is illustrated... seen that Stokeford had lost much OF ITS agricultural area. In any case, ON THE OTHER HAND the amount of housing was increasing.

Turning to A more ... area of Stakeford v Village was covered by husbandry FARMS which spread... There were only a few houses and public buildings such as primary school, shops, and post office OCCUPIED MOST OF THE VACANT SPACE.

... the infrastructure had been developed indicated by the rising TO INCLUDE A of new road number. The new NEW streets ... two roads were in ON the right side of THE main road and two others were in ON the left side, near the river. A lot of accommodation was ACCOMMODATIONS WERE built along these roads. The number of houses was WERE much more than that THOSE in 1930. ... two public buildingS were improved to be BECOME better and larger. For instance, two TWO primary school's buildings were added and the large house was rebuilt to be a REMODELED INTO A retirement home.

Writing Feedback / The change of Stockfort village in 1930 and 2010 [5]

The picture MAPS illustrates about the CHANGES IN Stokeford t Town change during 80 years OVER THE PAST 8 DECADES. ... that THE village was developing DEVELOPED significantly with there was many MORE housing and new road construct .

To begin in IN1930, THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAJOR ROAD from the north to the south the east of Rivers Stock in the village only had one of the major roads . Besides that, there are some farmlands on there. ... the opposite was OPPOSITE ROAD HAD a primary school. In addition , in the middle of THE town, a large house stayed and this building WAS surrounded by a huge garden.

In contrast, over OVER the next 8 decades , SPECIFICALLY in 2010, the village many experienced some alteration CHANGES, in which people in OF Stokeford village eliminateD all the farmland and also demolishED all shops which it replaced with a AND REPLACED IT WITH housing and new road. the THE primary school in this town was developing with DEMOLISHED AND constructed of the new building ANEW on the east side. In addition, the Large Houses large houses WERE was replaced with BY a Retirement Home in which WHERE the garden area was reduced. Then in the front of this building , THE government build of the BUILT A housing area.

Writing Feedback / (Practice writing) - Survey of adult education, motives and costs [5]

Xu, aside from grammar problems, your essay also has some formatting problems. Let me fix that for your reference below.

There are two graphs, which severally illustrates that the motive of adult education and the opinion of distributing its cost. REGARDING ITS COST DISTRIBUTION.
Overall, the significant purposes of grown-up education are interestingness THE ADULT'S INTERESTS and achievement. The most common reasonS are ADVANCED EDUCATION IS helpful for the jobs IN JOB IMPROVEMENT, or PERSONAL improvement and enjoyment. Meanwhile, the considerable proportion of its cost is suggested SUGGESTS that it should be borne SHOULDERED EITHER individually and OR BY employers.

- Your opening statement needs to properly deliver a summary of the graph content. By combining the single sentence with the paragraph below it, the essay becomes properly formatted with the 3-5 sentence requirement.

... diverse reasons of FOR adult education. As the main reasons, interesting in the subject and to gain JOB qualifications reached 40% and 38% RESPECTIVELY. In addition, the thought of helpful for the current job or improving prospects of FOR promotion and SIMPLY enjoying learning or studying displays each approximately RANKS AT APPROXIMATELY 20% EACH. Whereas, to able to change CHANGING jobs and to meetING people merely show 12% and 9% EACH.

In the following diagram, it represents how HOW the costs of each course are shared. The percentage of the viewpoint in individual payment is 40 percent relatively higher. Secondly, the percentage of THAN THAT OF EMPLOYERS SHOULDERING paying costs by employers shows 35%. Further, IT IS BELIEVED THAT 25% is SHOULD BE shared by the taxpayer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - Overpopulation problem causes: ineffective birth control and an increase of free-sex cases [2]

Dwi, your essay is well thought out. The discussions are well developed. Even the conclusion is almost flawless. the only problem I have with your essay is that ate a certain point, you left evidence of the fact that you did not bother to proof read your essay before submitting it. The mistake that you made would have cost you some major points in an actual test. I refer to the following line from your essay as the problem point:

...which causes much more dire impacts for humidity.

Had you proof read your paper, you would have realized that you used the word humidity which means "a measure of the amount of moisture in the air". What you wanted to say was humanity which is defined as "all human beings collectively; the human race; humankind". A simple error in the use of a word and your whole essay score was put at risk. The use of the wrong word denoted a disinterested person who did not even bother to double check his essay before submission. Do you see the difference in the definition? There is absolutely no way one could mistake one word for the other if a simple spellcheck or proof read was performed to catch these errors.

While the rest of the essay would have passed the criteria for the scoring of the test, this mistake that you made would have immediately dragged your score down. That is why I always remind the exam takers to practice proof reading with the remaining time after they write their essay. It can spell the difference between passing and failure. There are no small mistakes in this test. Only major point deductions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: landscape differences in Stokeford Village [3]

The maps compare the difference of IN landscape in the village ...... There are some noticeable alterationS in the proportion of infrastructures and farmland. BesideS that, some buildingS remainED unchanged or just experienced a little diference DIFFERENCE.

... houses were located in the northside North side of the village, .... These houses and roads constructionS caused a total elimination of THE farmland which was scaterred SCATTERED ACROSS THE MAP 80 years earlier, and ALONG WITH THE demolition of shopping areas near the post office. ... , becoming A retirement home ...

... The bridge which was connecting this WHICH CONNECTED THE village into TO the northside area NORTH SIDE across Stroke River did not RECEIVE ANY altered ALTERATION at all. ... Then, the location of THE primary school opposite to post office did not changed as well...

Graduate / Graduate application for pursuing LLM after failing the Bar exam. [6]

Sayeda, you have a very detailed experience essay here. It is very good and very informative. You truly have the skills to become a success in the field of your choice. It would seem like you are a perfect candidate for graduate school studies. However, you were not able to properly focus the essay on only 2 salient points. These are your most important work experience, your idea as to how you see yourself improving your life and career upon the completion of your degree.

Your essay contains too much professional and academic information. That is why I think it will cover around 3 pages single spaced at this point. Do you know what your word or page limits are? Make sure you do not go beyond it. Also, do not turn this into an academic and professional biography. Just choose your most impressive accomplishment as a student, as a professional, and in your extra curricular activities that will showcase your abilities as a student. That should only cover about a full page at the most. The second page, or second half of your essay should contain the professional direction you want to go in. Explain how this degree can help you. Note the important internships or training programs the university offers for students of your caliber as part of the way that the university can help you achieve your goals. Then thoroughly discuss your short and long term career goals as indicated by the prompt. In all, your essay should not be more than 2 pages, single spaced.

Writing Feedback / Pie Fish production starts from delivering, clean and manufacturing, and wrapping [2]

The given picture DIAGRAM elucidates the production process of MANUFACTURING pie fish... wrapping. In this following essay all these processes will be described in detail.

-You are to present an overview summary of the report or chart. This is not to be treated like an essay since it offers previously existing information. Do not make any reference to this being a simple essay.

... salmon fish are delivered in to the factory. This delivering DELIVERY process has different length TIME LENGTHS TO in some extent. To keep fish remained fresh, its sending process has to spend BE less than 12 hours, while potatoes can be sent in a month as this round white vegetable ... In DURING this time, disposal DISPOSABLE materials from fish are classified, while potatoes are pealed PEELED then sliced... in the provided SLICING machine. When salmon fish have already been poured with peas and sauce HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE SALMON, potatoes come IN as the last material INGREDIENT. It is thus it can be seen that the compound INGREDIENTS of fish pie is ARE peas, fish, sauce and potatoES.

Turning AS FOR the wrapping process, the pie fish which are derived from THE manufacturing process then are wrapped by using A wrap machine for particular time . Before storing in the box, the wrapped pie fish are frozen to secure the food from existing bacteria and keep them remain FRESH longer.

You need to extend certain paragraphs to have at least 3 sentences as required by the format guidelines. Your use of English words are quite limited and your vocabulary, when you try to use more complicated words, are not exactly the right ones to use so I replaced those with the correct words. Overall, you still have vast room for improvement before taking your test.

Writing Feedback / What kind of sport should have well deserved place in schools curriculum? [3]

Almost any day of the week you can look at the newspaper read articles discussing the competitive sports, both team and individual have no place in the school curriculum.

- Is this a truth that you can back up with facts or are you just making this up? This is not a logical representation of the thesis prompt in your essay so you should review and revise the statement in order to become more provable and offer a better restated thesis.

Because in schools students study and get knowledges not do the sport. So have not place in the school curriculm.
- So you are saying that the subject known as Physical Education which is when sports are taught in schools should be removed due to its irrelevance? Doesn't the student learn something from PE and the sport that he plays at school? This is a flawed line of reasoning that can easily be faulted by others. Remember, you have to defend the opinions that you present in your essay. Expect the arguments and explain why the other side has the wrong perception of this discussion.

people who suffer from overweight
- How does this argument fit in with the topic of competitive sports being played or not played in school? It does not seem to have any relevance.

The main point that should be discussed in the essay pertains to whether competitive sports should be taught in school or not. The first part of your discussion applies to the prompt but the latter part does not. Therefore, your discussion is only half right and will only get a score equivalent to the correctness of your discussion. It may not be a passing grade.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TAKS 2 : the best method of learning, through group study or independent study? [3]

Adie, I have edited this essay prompt before and because of that, I feel like your essay is not really prompt responsive. Would you mind providing us with the actual prompt that you were given to discuss so that we can better assess your written work for prompt compliance? It will really be appreciated.

The essay discussion should, as far as I can remember, contain a discussion of the two points of view, as separate paragraphs, and then your own opinion on the matter, based upon personal opinion or experience, in order to create a more solid supporting statement on your end.

You should also take note of the way that you present your sources. For example, when you said "Pennsylvania study", you should have been able to accurately tell the examiner what the source is. Pennsylvania is a town in the U.S. so was it a newspaper, magazine, or something else that emanated from the town? Or perhaps this was the title of a magazine? You should have clarified that source point.

Overall, the essay is acceptable but with some flaws. I don't doubt that once I read the actual prompt, I will be able to better asses your work.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: how greenhouse gases are able to catch the sun's energy [5]

... it can occur by passing some IT OCCURS THROUGH stages, which need many supporter substances SUPPORTING COMPONENTS.
- Try to increase your sentence count for your overview summaries. The opening and succeeding paragraphs should not be shorter than three sentences each with a maximum of 5. Your summary is therefore, wanting in content and is not compliant with the format requirement.

Firstly, the sunlight comes first to the earth as heat, ... the earth becomes warmer due to obtaining more heat energy BECAUSE IT HOLDS THE HEAT ENERGY OF THE SUN. This phenomenon has gotten worse recently because the amount of carbon dioxide (CO2), which is the main substantial content to THAT create greenhouse GAS, is available ... which make carbon dioxide overflowing CREATE CARBON DIOXIDE, ... transportation uses, like carS and truckS, producing some dangerous gases. andc Cutting down the trees legally in the forest area in the big proportion, which actually have capability to absorb the carbon dioxide emission. AREA ALSO CAUSES GREENHOUSE GASES TO BE ABSORBED BY THE SOIL OF THE EARTH.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Taks 1 _ Housing designs for cool and for warm climates [2]

... designs that can be applied based on the ARE APPLICABLE TO VARIOUS climate conditionS. ...are related to the DESIGN OF THE roof, insulation and window.

The roof of THE house in A cool climate has a high-angled shaped so as to ease ALLOW the sunlight to get into the house. Meanwhile, the house in THE warm climate ... The tips of this roof are used to hinder LIMIT the entry of sunlight.

In AS PER THE cool-climate design, the insulation covered by COVERING THE thermal building materialS inside is ARE put on all partS of THE walls and under the roof, so it can decrease the heat loss . In the other ...

The window of THE cool-climate house is installed to orient IN ORIENTATION TO the sun,... the sun can be catch CAUGHT.... house in THE warm climate has... can be closed in DURING the day ... In the AT night, the windows can be opened to make a ALLOW n air circulation, so the overheating atmosphere can be removed. EXTREME HEAT INSIDE THE HOUSE CAN BE DISSIPATED.

Writing Feedback / There are ten series of action in the process of chocolate production [3]

Linda, you need to do a better job of summarizing the information at the beginning of your essay. A properly developed summary overview ensures that it is, at the most, 5 sentences in length. You are supposed to prove that you have the ability to develop an informative report in English, making it short in order to avoid making mistakes does not count towards a good score in the actual test. For that purpose, the longer your paragraph is, provided it makes sense, the better the grade you will be considered for in the end.

Now, as for the rest of the essay. You did not actually do a good job at all. You are supposed to present a minimum of three paragraphs in this report summary and yet, I see only 2 badly formatted paragraphs. Your second paragraph could have been divided into two paragraphs to better suit this purpose.

At this point, it seems like you are not familiar with the method by which these report essays are to be developed. I strongly suggest that you look at the other examples that can easily be found in this forum and use those as part of your tutorial samples. That way, you will quickly learn how to properly develop and write these essays.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

Hey AD ! While I normally do not advise my students to constantly submit the same essay to various universities due to the possibility of self- plagiarism, I find that I cannot stop them from doing so. So, as they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That means, that I believe you can reuse the SOP that you wrote for use in an SOI. As you said, you will have to be willing to make some significant changes to the essay, such as the mention of the professors you would like to collaborate with and other important, highlight information.

If you won't mind, I would like you to revise the original essay in the manner that you feel will best suit the requirements of the SOI and then post it here for review. while I do not doubt that you can successfully change up the essay to make it fit the other university application, it won't hurt you to have me double check it. Who knows, after I read the prompt and your revision, maybe, just maybe, we will be able to further improve upon the content :-)

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing : A street market in summer in a hot climate [4]

Hey Samuel, I think that you did an acceptable job on this descriptive writing piece. I have some critiques about your work that I think should be addressed in order to help you hone your craft. Let's start with the formatting. The short descriptive essay is all crammed onto the page. Making it difficult to read. Keep in mind that you are writing a description of the place, but you do not have to limit it to one long paragraph. Instead, you should be opting to develop your descriptions as best as possible by using separate paragraphs for each description.

Sometimes, the descriptiveness of the essay comes from the way it is formatted. By offering a paragraph format piece of writing, you will have been able to better develop your descriptions. One more thing, a descriptive essay is not normally written from the first person point of view. Are you sure the instructor will allow you to write this from your active voice in this case? You need to be sure because the descriptions will change depending upon whether you are supposed to be the one experiencing the act, or if you are simply passing on the experience and knowledge to other people who may be reading your story.

Overall though, I like the story that you chose. The descriptions are very vivid and have the ability to transport the reader into the scenario that you developed. Don't forget that a descriptive essay does not limit itself to a description of the place, Some simple dialogue can help you better depict the scene that you were involved in. Remember, develop the background of the scene before you delve deeper into the location description. That way you set up the story properly.

Graduate / Essay for Kellogg MS in Management Studies Program [3]

Zheng, I am of a different opinion regarding your essay. It may sound perfect at the moment but upon further scrutiny, you will find that there is no clear presentation of your growth over the past four years. You have to represent a number of areas for development in this instance, with the proper year for each activity that you participated in indicated. That will help the reviewer keep track of the 4 years that the prompt indicated. For example, you should say; " In March of 2011, I embarked upon my first year of university. This was a transitory time in my life as I experienced..."

Providing the academic growth you have had should be balanced with your personal growth as well. A professional shows an equal balance of an emotional and intellectual quotient. Therefore, you must present that type of information in this essay as well. In fact, to prove your growth and development as a person over the past 4 years, you should indicate something for each of the following areas:

1. Emotional Growth - Prove that you are able to handle stressful situations as this point
2. Intellectual Grow - showcase a thorough understanding of what you undergraduate studies have taught you with regards to your professional career
3. Social Growth - Portray your ability to properly work with others on a team or as a team leader by relating an obstacle or problem you had to overcome

4. Physical Growth - Prove that you are a healthy person who is able to handle the pure stress and pressure that comes with masters degree studies. Most students fail to complete the course because of health issues, explain why you would be different.

By showcasing these aspects, you will be able to better portray your growth and development over the past 4 years. It will be more informative and provide a thorough insight into your new found abilities. As of now, your essay is solely concentrated on academic and professional growth. It has neglected the other important aspects of your development. Following my outline should fix that. Remember, this paper is not all about success. It is about the balance of success and failure. So don't be afraid to talk about the failures you had and how you overcame them. That will better explain your growth as well.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing : A street market in summer in a hot climate [4]

Samuel, the reason that I said that you cannot write a descriptive essay from a first person point of view is really simple. A descriptive essay asks you to describe a person, as well as the scene that is unfolding. You don't just describe a scene when you write. You have to develop a story that goes with the description. Since you have the story already developed in your essay, you have one of the aspects done for descriptive writing. The problem with FPOV writing, is that you are limited in the way you can describe things because you can only see what is in front of you or immediately happening to you. If you write from the secondary point of view, you are able to better describe the impact of the scene on the person as it occurs. In other words, creating a character to take your place makes the descriptive essay more interesting.

By not involving yourself in the story, you will be able to more accurately portray the sight, sounds, smell, feeling, and taste of what is happening. YWhen you create a character for your story, you have the opportunity to build up the whole descriptive scene. You don't limit yourself to the immediate vicinity, you can describe what goes on in front, behind, and to the sides of the position of the character. Hence creating a better descriptive sense.

The first person point of view is normally limited to narrative writing because the story is often limited to the actions of the person involved. Making the first person "I" more useful in this instance. However, in descriptive writing, a thesis sentence exists at the end of your first paragraph in order to describe the story that is about to unfold. You approached your writing in a narrative, rather than thoroughly descriptive way.

Remember that narration uses a chronological order of presentation while the descriptive essay uses time elements instead. Therefore, using a secondary point of view is more useful in this instance. You can either create a new character (if the instructions permit) or simply state the story from hindsight, as an observer. If you want to use the first person perspective, you should establish that you are an observer rather than a participant in the scene. Check with your instructor though, he may have a different opinion of how to write a descriptive essay.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, this is more impressive than your previous attempts at writing this essay. However, you went over the 2000 character limit. You have 2020 words at the moment and there are also some point that need clarification. We are now definitely in the editing portion of your essay. So you need to go back and consider which words are just filler and remove them in order to bring down the character count. As for the flaws in the writing, I have some suggestions about those as well.

For starters, don't just say that you want to pursue a major along the STEM lines. You need to be specific because of the definite plans that you present in your essay. Mention the major you are opting for at the very start. Insert it into the STEM sentence if you can. That way the reviewer focuses his attention on the discussion you are presenting instead of wondering what field you would want to major in. Don't leave that for the start of the second paragraph.

I would not use the word colonize in the essay. Rather, I would take on a more friendly term in reference to "discovery of other life forms" and "an exchange of intellect on a higher level" just in case these planets already have life forms on them. Trust me, it is better to use a friendly tone than to come across sounding as more militaristic in purpose for your studies. Speaking of which, the term is "life forms" and not "life systems". Please correct that in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Astronauts travelling space will bring proud impression to their countries [2]

Sharfina, pay attention to grammar details. The event that Neil Armstrong participated in happened in the past. Why are you referring to it as if it took place in our current era? Always make sure to double check your dates so that you can use the correct tense description for it.

Good discussions for both sides overall. Just be careful about those tricky tense usage patterns. Grammar improvement all around is noticeable, although there are still some minor errors in your sentence and grammar development. You were able to clearly explain the POV coming from both sides. Train yourself to proof read and edit before submitting your essay. Acquire time management skills if you have to but always do that because little mistakes can deduct major points from your score.

However, I believe that you need to add a paragraph relating to your personal opinion as you closed your opening statement with that information. Your personal view on the matter should be included in a more developed form as well. Don't fall into the trap of using the conclusion to state your personal opinion. That is always counted as a separate paragraph in the essay and accounts for a part of your final score as well.

Writing Feedback / Earth Runs Out of Natural Resources - Space exploring might be a good solution. IELTS 2 [2]

Sharfina, your discussion of the essay topic os good. However, I would have liked to see more ownership in your part within the essay so that I would have always been reminded that you are the speaker in this issue and not just repeating information from other sources. Simple sentence openings such as "My research on this topic lead me to ...." connotes ownership, a belief in your opinion, and a first hand account of information. Such confidence can only lead to a better impression of you as an ESL person.

Now, I noticed that the one problem you have with your essay isn't the wrong grammar usage but rather the confusion you have as to when you should use a capitalized form of a word. Keep in mind the basic rule, all nouns are capitalized and allthe first word in a sentence needs to be capitalized. You have this error in your essay. The word asteroid should not be capitalized as it is located within the sentence already and it is not a proper noun. For the capitalization issue, you can clearly see the error in"such as space. space" That is a period after the word space therefore, the next word should be capitalized as well. These are simple problems that you can easily detect if you bother to review and revise your essay prior to submission. Try to perfect your sentence devices because these account for an important part of your score.

Writing Feedback / The impact of advances in technology on office workers productivity- TOEFL integrated essay [5]

Nour, there is only one speaker in this research and that is the writer or author of the paper. He is the one who came up with the thesis statement, discussion, and offered possible solutions to the problem. So it is incorrect for you to imply that there are two points of view or writers in this instance. There is only one and it should be depicted as such in your summary essay.

I am not sure where the example of the photocopy machine came from. I do not see that in this report. Do not offer any information that is not contained in your reference material as your summary will be fact checked against the original work. Aside from that, you seem to have forgotten that essays should contain sentences and be clearly depicted as such. The use of semicolons in this instance made your essays shorter and thus, non compliant with the minimum requirements. Had you opted to use periods instead, the essay would have come across as more professional and informative. At this point, the essay seems rushed and little understood on your end because you are seemingly not stating facts but rather, portions of the essay only.

Writing Feedback / A policy which places the international language in the educational curriculum of elementary schools [2]

Akbar, your line of reasoning for the disadvantage side does not really qualify as a valid reason. You are only concerned about the playtime of the student instead of his intellectual development. That makes your argument weak. A strong argument against the teaching of foreign languages to students in primary school would instead, have contained a thorough explanation of why this would be a drawback owing to the full mandatory curriculum that the schools implement. You discussed that aspect quite well in the essay. so if you had just omitted the reference to the playtime of the children, your disadvantage argument would have more valid and offered a much more informed point of view.

Your next discussion, which reflects your opinion on the matter is acceptable enough because you are basing it on common known information and, I am guessing, your personal experience. You could have strengthened the discussion further if you had explained more of the content of the article that you referred to in defense of the advantage. When you quote a source, use it to the fullest extent by informing the reader about the major points of the article that support your claim.

Now, your conclusion contains a new idea, that of having the parents support the early international language education system. That is a different discussion that you should have developed further in support of your claim. It should not be situated within the conclusion. I am sure that you just forgot that you cannot introduce a new idea for discussion in the conclusion. I will give you a pass for that. I hope that you don't forget it next time though.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, for the statement of interest. Everything that you discussed in it are relevant to the development of your interest. However, I do not think that you need to mention that your country has been embroiled in at 20 year civil war. I tried reading the paragraph a number of times and during each of those times, I came to the conclusion that it does not related in any way to the development of your interest. Therefore, it would be in the best interest of your essay to simply not include it in the final version.

With regards to your question about your background in Biochemistry, you can use all of the information that you provide except for the part at the beginning about " I come from a small landlocked Himalayan country, Nepal situated in between China and India I have always dreamed of traveling..." All they need to know, and want to know about is in relation to your educational background. You don't need to get descriptive in your response. Just give the required information. That is all the reviewer is interested in anyway.

Writing Feedback / Internet: repetitive, violent and fraudulent information - it is uncomfortable for us to use it now [4]

Menglu, I will not score this essay on a band of 3o. Instead I will use the TOEFL 5/5 test score as that is what I am familiar with using. Overall, my assessment of your essay is that it will not score higher than a 2, which is a failing mark on the test. The reasons for this are obvious to an examiner's eye. Simply put, you did not properly restate the prompt, you did not respond to the prompt, and you discussed a topic totally different from the prompt requirement. Let me explain further below:

The prompt asked you to agree with a particular point of view based on the idea that

" Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with? "

Rather than providing an agreement or disagreement based upon the prompt requirement, in the first paragraph you decided to instead respond to a totally different prompt:

Personally speaking, the Internet provides us an access to redundant, violent and fraudulent information.

Now, I have listed the original prompt for the discussion above. Look at the line of reasoning that you are being asked to deliver a point of view on. Do you see how you failed to deliver the prompt requirement? Your opinion does not agree nor disagree with the given points of view. You chose to discuss a totally irrelevant topic instead.

I believe that you misunderstood the prompt, which caused you to deliver the wrong response. You provided irrelevant specifics and, as you can see from your opening statement and the rest of your discussion,it ran opposite to the prompt you were provided. The problem with your essay is not the grammar. The problem is your inability to properly understand the prompt requirements. That is a serious problem because it prevents you from responding correctly to the given discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SPACE EXPLORATION FOR A SOLUTION OF NATURAL RESOURCES DEPLETION [2]

Dynar, you managed to explain your point of view and even threw in some very important names and accomplishments in your defense. However, I know that by including that information in the essay, you actually took the time to do research on the internet and chose which information would garner you the best score, which is what you then presented in the essay. You do not have the luxury of doing research during the actual test. You will not have internet access during that period of time as the system will be locked to only the test website. This early, I would like to caution you against doing research when you do your practice tests. Instead, work on building up your common knowledge regarding popular culture and current event topics. Familiarize yourself with as many as possible and use the commonly known facts in writing your essay.

Keep in mind that this test is not about showing off your intellectual ability. Rather, it is all about proving that you can express yourself in English. While it will help if you personally know of information that can impress the reviewer, it is not a requirement. What is required, is that you present a clear understanding of the prompt and an understandable response to it.

Please take note of the dates that you present in the essay and the tense format you used to develop the paragraph. Always use past tenses when discussing any events or information before 2016. Your grammar will be graded as well. So make sure you don't lose points for using bad sentence devices.

I have also reminded you and the other test takers many times about introducing new ideas at the end of the essay. That is not the place for new information. In fact, the information you presented in the conclusion would have been the more believable and acceptable discussion facts in your essay had you not presented Tesla and other sources as part of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Fish and meat consumption in European country. [2]

Ahmad, pay attention to the way that you develop your paragraph. this format that you have right now is definitely too tightly packed onto the page making it hard to read. It is also hard to separate the paragraphs as you have these written now. If you are trying to play a trick on the examiner as most of your paragraphs fall short of the sentence requirement, let me tell you right now that your plan will not work. The examiner will expect to see a properly formatted essay, with relevant content. Failure to do so will result in a low score due to a number of compliance factors.

Please note the formatting and other corrections that I will be applying to your paper. These are all self-explanatory. \

Please note your tense usage. You are speaking of events in the past using present tense terms. Since these events already took place, these should be discussed in previous or past tense format. Make sure to familiarize yourself with the common word tenses as much as possible.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, you were right to remove the paragraph about the civil war. That is exactly what I wanted you to do and you completely understood my instruction :-) The statement of interest is currently in its proper form and you do not have anything to worry about. All of the required parameters are represented and you even have two proofs of your interest for higher studies represented.

The first interest represented is your desire to pursue accurate and usable research in the field of Dementia. This is proven by your research and subsequent publication. Your desire to be one of the cornerstone founders of the field in your country is the other important aspect of your interest. Both reasons tie in with the necessity of your acquiring more advanced theoretical and technical interests in the field.

You can already submit this essay for consideration at this point. You have not missed anything in terms of information in the essay and I do not believe that you can still add more information to this. From what I can tell, the essay already suits the purpose that it was developed for :-) Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / Internet: repetitive, violent and fraudulent information - it is uncomfortable for us to use it now [4]

Menglu, you have a slight misunderstanding of the prompt. The prompt indicates; "Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?". The proper approach to the opening statement, which would fix the flow of discussion would have been as follows:

The internet is an unlimited source of information. People can easily access any and all information that they wish to have. That is why people believe that the internet provides easy access to information to everyone. However, there are other people who believe that the fact that the internet provides too much access to information causes problems. I tend to agree with the point of view that the unlimited access to information on the internet can create problems.

From that point my discussion would have covered the following points:

1. Wikipedia is an open source of information that allows anybody to edit the information. Therefore the information is not credible when taken from that source. Since most students read Wikipedia for their studies, they are not sure if their information is right or wrong.

2. There are too many advertising websites masquerading as informative and official websites, because of this, people cannot accurately assess the information they read.

3. The advent of social media has turned everyone into a citizen journalist. Hence, all opinions have become valid although questionable.

After relating those points, I would then conclude the essay by saying that the aforementioned reasons as the primary reasons as to why the internet, although it offers access to enormous amounts of information, causes problems for those who use it.

Do you see how the discuss becomes more prompt responsive in the outline and thesis statement that I created? You should have developed the essay in a similar pattern.

Undergraduate / "Renovated Habits". Low-GPA; Essay needed for admission; Need revision [4]

Corey, the essay has way too many redundancies. You keep going around in circles saying the same thing when what you should be doing is assuring these people that your failure as a freshman and sophomore were what dragged down you overall GPA and that you managed to improved as a student during your next few years in high school. I have an approach to this essay that I would like to suggest that you consider.

Since you are being asked to explain why you should be admitted despite your failed GPA, as they will not admit students with a GPA lower than 2.0 It would be best if your focus your essay more on your other accomplishments instead of constantly repeating why you failed to get a good score from the very start. What you need to do is balance the discussion.

For the first 2 paragraphs, explain how your low GPA was not caused by a lack of academic interest but rather, a desire to prove you could be academically capable beyond what the teachers were lecturing you on. Try to develop the following idea from your original essay:

Wanting to be 100% original and independent has caused me to be stubborn and challenge school rules and teachers which ultimately negatively affected my grades.....

After that, you should begin to explain how you matured over time by saying:

I now take responsibility more seriously.I was promoted at my job twice because of it. I obtained a 3.0 GPA for the first time since elementary school my junior year. I won a D.A.R.E essay competition and I also placed 3rd in a DECA conference..

Take the focus off your failure and draw the reviewer's attention to your current strengths that will more than make up for the low GPA. That is what the aforementioned paragraph should aim to deliver. Then close the essay by saying :

I am able to do so much more and all of this is due to an awakened passion of education and stronger focus...

That is all the information that you have to present. Always go for a thorough, but short essay. Your current version does get around to saying these things but in the longest way possible. What you need is to deliver the information before the reviewer loses interest in what you are trying to explain.

Undergraduate / Describe qualifications / abilities and attributes. Application to the Kelley School of Business [2]

Abrar, you should vary the opening sentences of your paragraphs. You can't always say "I believe" because that causes reading fatigue. Try to mix up your opening a bit, Make it sound more interesting and informative. At this point, your work sounds more like a testimonial than an application essay.

I believe that the multitude of courses that I have taken makes me a significant candidate for the Kelley School of Business at IUPUI.
- Where did you graduate from? How did your study at that university help you better prepare for the rigorous curriculum of the Kelley School of Business? What were your strongest subjects? Your weakest? That is the information that should follow this claim. Right now all you have are generic and misleading statements. Offer verifiable information instead. Change the rest of the paragraph.

I believe that I am a strong candidate [....] optimal direction to engage my majors.
- Go directly to the information about your current internship. That better proves your attributes as a student and potential professional. At this point, you should also mention what your weak points in terms of actual are and how you feel that advanced studies can help you improve those failure points. Don't try to come across as a strong individual, the reviewer will not believe that. Define your weak points clearly and explain how the university can help you develop your skills further.

I believe that the Kelley School of Business will [....] degree from The Kelley School of Business.
- These 2 paragraphs are irrelevant to the prompt, offers repetitive information that the reviewer already knows about his school, makes claims that you may not be able to deliver on, and basically, just don't belong in the essay because it does not deal directly with any of the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Introducing myself and showing interest for apply. Study Plan for Chinese Government Scholarship [4]

Noman, the information in your study plan is not as accurate as it should be. In fact, it reads more like an expanded statement of purpose rather than a Study Plan. You should think about creating a new draft that better addresses the outline of expected answers in this type of essay. There should be more clarity when it comes to depicting your reasons for studying your chosen major and why you feel that you would benefit from advanced studies outside of your home country.

Consider some deeper reasons for wishing to study in China. Right now, it sounds more like you want to be a tourist in the country instead of a serious student. For example, you can explain how you have some sort of special interest in the country or the culture of the country. One of the highlights of your essay can be information about how you ended up choosing the university that you mention in it. Why did you opt for this university in particular out of all the universities in China?

When you discuss your long term goals, make sure to relate those plans to how studying at the university can help you achieve those goals. It would be in your best interest to inform the reader that you plan to work in China for a few years after graduation. After all, you are going to be studying as a sponsored student of the Chinese government. Working for them after you graduate would be a nice thank you on your part.

Quite frankly though, I do not see any reasons in your essay that would make you a stand out applicant for the scholarship. You need to open up more about yourself. Talk about reasons why your professors or classmates or close friend consider you a unique individual. Maybe these personal qualities can help create a more interesting image of you as a potential student under their program.

Like I said, you have a statement of purpose at the moment and not a study plan. If you follow my instructions, we may just succeed in redirecting your essay towards a proper study plan presentation.

Undergraduate / What you would like to be for one day / Why Franklin & Marshall? F&M Supplements [5]

Calvin, for question number one, you should be thinking out of the box and way beyond a personal motive for the date. Remember Lancaster became a capital of the country for a single day. Important, decisions could have been made for the betterment of the nation from Lancaster on that day. Therefore, the question is important in the sense that this would be your one chance to make your mark on the nation. What would you do to make that mark? So you should be thinking more along the lines of how you can change the politics of the country, improve the lives of people by passing a certain law, or enacting economic actions meant to help the community. Think big, not individual. This is your chance to change the world somehow. Being a travel photographer is something you can be on any old day, try to develop an answer that is unique and will be memorable to the reviewer.

Your answer to the second question is mostly second hand information. The only first hand information was the one about need based aid. My suggestion is, ditch the hearsay information and focus on the need based aid for students. You have the story to make it relevant to your response. So make contact with the reviewer. Discuss the opportunity to attend college when you are financially strapped at L&M. It responds to the question in a more personal manner.

Writing Feedback / Since 20th century, some countries have started exploring the space [2]

Ahmad, your written composition is so confusing in content that it makes my head hurt just reading what you have said because frankly, it doesn't make sense. You are so focused on using emotional and big words without paying attention to the effect it has on your essay. Your flow of thought is hindered by the fact that you are trying to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary and pop culture knowledge instead of making him believe that you understand the prompt and that you will be able to explain yourself clearly in the process.

This is an essay that will definitely garner a 3 or 4 at the most. The terms that you use are wrong. For instance it is "The Soviet Union", not "Uni Soviet". Then there is the instance of you saying that "While it is utterly unacceptable since majority countries carry out this occasion only for their pride" , you never actually explain why you feel so strongly about this in the essay. Also, you do not have to say "utterly unacceptable" , that is an exaggeration. You could simply say "It is unacceptable." Words like "utterly", "strongly", etc. should only be used in extreme situations such as "The comment utterly destroyed his chances" or "He strongly opposed the law because..." The use of the word depends upon the circumstance. It is not necessary to keep using such strong emotional descriptions for simple discussions.