Writing Feedback / Comparison of the changes of three main exports in Southland - IELTS [4]

The bar chart compares the changes of three main exports in Southland between 2000, 2015, and prediction for 2025. It is measured in billion pound sterling. It is noticeable that there is an increase in total off main exports from 2000 to 2015 whilst 2025 will witness a slight fall of the exports.

International tourism and dairy products experience a rise in 2015 compared in 2000. By 2000, the amount of international tourism had stood at roughly £8 billion, while approximately £7 billion were shown by which of dairy products.

...

• 
  Southland main export in 2000, 2015, and 2025
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Security Cameras and Cellphone Tracking [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Technological experts have paid more attention to the development of monitoring tolls such as cameras and cellphone tracking in order to record people activities without realizing it. Whilst the trend can improve security and safety, it is also believed that the equipment restricts personal privacy.

Recently, some city councils have installed surveillance in public places, especially in high-crime areas, as to secure people from criminals. Statistics shows that a growing number of closed-circuit television (CCTV) have been set in New York in order to prevent people who want to do some crimes. As a result, crime rate in the big city decreases significantly in the light of the advanced technologies.

...

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand [2]

The pie charts compare the proportion of online shopping sales for retail sectors between 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand. It is noticeable that the percentages of travel and clothes dropped, whilst film and books experienced an increase during the period.

By far the largest proportion of online sales was travel and the second was clothes in 2003. However, 2013 witnessed a significant decline of both sectors. The percentage of travel decreased from 36% to less than a third, while that of clothes also recorded a dramatic fall of precisely 8%.

On the other hand, the online shopping sales for film/music and books had risen for a decade. In 2003, the proportion of online sales for books was less then a fifth, whereas that of film/music was more than a fifth. Twenty two percent of online sales was experienced by books in 2013. The year saw a more significant increase for that of film/music, with a rise of roughly 10%.

• 
  Online Sales for retail sectors in New Zealand
  

Writing Feedback / Players and supporters in particular, should be supportive and responsible for the sporting events [3]

International sporting events such as the Olympic Games and the Football World Cup provide an outlet for patriotic feelings, and help reduce international tensions. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:
In recent years, lots of international sporting events have been organised by international organisation in order to raise patriotic feelings and to reduce international tensions. While I agree that the events have essential purposes, I firmly argue that it can influence the audiences who watch the events.

International sporting events are important as they can build better relationship amongst countries. South Korea and North Korea, for example, were in a football competition (World Cup) - they had been in conflict for years - and they showed to the world that they have become friendly each other. All in all, World Cup has been successful to reduce international tensions.

Apart from those tangible benefits, while a few countries, particularly players, have been in a friendship, international sporting events sometimes raise conflict from supporters when their favorite team is lost. For example, some Indonesian supporters protest when Indonesian football team could not win in Asean Games. As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, the events do not always provide positive effects in this planet, but sometimes cause dire effects.

In conclusion, it is evident that although international sporting events can give an outlet for patriotic feelings and attempt to reduce international tensions, they also probably result in dire effects such as raise international conflicts due to the supporter. It is imperative that all people, players and supporters in particular, should be supportive and responsible to the events.

Writing Feedback / Body Scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security [3]

Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy.

Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?

Answer:
Governments play a pivotal role to enhance safety and security of their citizens. Which is why they set up some technologically advanced equipment such as body scanners and video surveillance in a particular area, especially in public places. Whilst I think that these tools have given a rise to a loss of privacy, I firmly believe that using the technology has more positive than negative effects.

...

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should not only watch the TV program, but also take responsibility to practice the sport [4]

In many part of the world there is continuous coverage of sport on TV. Some people believe that this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent years, lots of sport programs have appeared in some television channels over the world. This trend causes other people to think that the programs discourage teenagers to get involved in a sport themselves. Although these thoughts have different perspectives, I firmly argue that both opinions result in some effects to juveniles.

It cannot be denied that a few television stations provide much information and news about sports so as to improve people knowledge. Kompas Sport, a sport series in Indonesia, shows audio-visual news not only about sport events which are in Indonesia, but also all around the world -international sport events-, for example. As a result, people (including the young) who watch the series will understand more about sports. All in all, sports become essential for them in the light of important information which is given by TV channels.

On the other hand, many people strongly argue that sport series on screen discourage the young to join any sport themselves as they just watch the programs all the time. Taking World Cup, the biggest football competition in this planet, as an example, it is appeared on virtually TV channels and almost whole day, and it attracts much attention of many people widespread, especially young people. Therefore, they spend much time to watch the program and lack of time to get involved in a sport. To sum up, this can affect juveniles habit, sport in particular, every time.

In conclusion, it is evident that the condition causes several affects (positive or negative) for young in spite of different views. It is imperative that teenagers should not only watch the program, but also take responsibility to practice the sport because they will not understand more, unless they exercise directly.

Writing Feedback / When possible, parents should sometimes have a trip to natural park on holiday with their children. [4]

Because of the busy pace of modern life, many children spend most of their time indoors and have little exposure to the natural world. How important is it for children to learn to understand and appreciate nature?

In recent years, how children spend their time has changed because of technologically advanced tools such as computer and PlayStation. They are more likely to sit in front of screen playing games in their rooms rather than to go out with friends exploring the natural world. While I agree that children are keen on being indoors today, I firmly believe that it is important for them to explore and to understand the natural environment in order to appreciate it.

I would argue that children today intend to waste their leisure time in a room playing online games or surfing on the Internet as their parents provide all of the technology such as a set of computer and PlayStation. A study shows that more than 75% of children in Tokyo, Japan, prefer to stay at home playing the technological equipment. Although they are isolated in their rooms for a long time, they always can enjoy it because they think that playing the games has the same activity as traveling to the world.

On the other hand, children should visit some spectacular scenery over the world directly as the natural environment is absolutely different from what they see on the computer screens. For example, students in Al-Azhar school have a compulsory lesson to visit a natural garden such as an apple garden in Malang, West Java. As a result, they are able to learn and to understand all about apple deeply. They know how the apple looks like and what nutrition the apple has.

In conclusion, it is evident that although children prefer to spend time indoors playing games or browsing on the Internet, visiting the natural world is also essential so as to understand the environment in depth. Where possible, parents sometimes should have a trip to natural park on holiday with their children.

Writing Feedback / Wind Turbine Design and process of electricity production. IELTS Writing Task 1. [3]

The figures show how a wind turbine can generate electricity and where it can be placed. Overall, it can be seen that the process of producing renewable energy using the design is very simple whilst the amount of electricity which is produced depends on its location.

The process starts when wind blows to the blades which are made from fiberglass or wood. In addition, the direction and angle of blades are controlled using computer which is connected to wind sensor on generator. As a result, the wind turbine can generate 1.5 megawatts electricity.

The machines can be placed near a coast or in a mountain. However, the turbine which is located in the mountain will obtain maximum wind strengths while another has blades which cannot be spoiled. As a consequence, domestic turbine in a landscape only can produce 100 kilowatts, but the turbine in the mountain can generate much higher electricity.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS - I think that journalists are too concentrated on exposing celebrities' lives [NEW]

Q:
The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A:
The mass media play a pivotal role to give information about everything or everybody in the world. This is why lifestyles and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers have regularly been appeared on television and other media in order to attract attention of people. Whilst I think that journalists are too concentrated exposing regarding celebrities' lives, I firmly believe that they should pay attention reporting the lives of ordinary people.

I would argue that reporters disseminate all about scandals and gossip of extraordinary people on television, magazines or the Internet because it is interesting for virtually people. A study shows that more than 40% of TV programs expose lives of celebrities. Although the gossip shows provide special information such as how an actor lives or how a footballer wins, the proportion is too wasting much time.

In addition, I think that the mainstream media, nowadays, lack a sense of journalism as they expose personal life of somebody deeply in spite of bad news. For example, when Mariah Carey failed lip-synchronizing a song in a concert, it became main issue in all magazines and on television channels. As a result, the news will raise negative comments about the singer and probably will affect her career.

On the other hand, more attention should be paid on how ordinary people live and survive by the mass media as their lives probably can inspire others. William Kamkwamba, a juvenile who had to drop out of school due to financial matter, for example, attracts attention of journalists to publish his story such as in the Malawi Daily Mail because he built a series of windmills that can generate electricity in Malawi, south-eastern Africa, when he was 14 years old. Finally, he has inspired many teenagers to learn science and to act more rather than just to understand theories.

The aforementioned evidence shows that the mass media such as television, magazines and online news pay too much attention to disseminate gossip of celebrities even though it is not essential to be obtained. However, ordinary people who probably can be inspiring others should be appeared in the media. Where possible, they should have the same proportion as the famous people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the number of young people perpetrating a crime has risen significantly. [5]

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.

Crime is a serious problem occurred around the world. In some nations, the number of young people perpetrating a crime has risen significantly. There must be some reasons among this trend and I truly believe that many ideas can be taken to overcome the trouble.

The sharp increase of juvenile delinquent has been happened due to several causes. Firstly, according to expert studies, the most cause of this trend is broken home as well as working parents. In these both conditions, children are less attention because their parents do not have much time to educate them. The next possible reason of this problem is lack of of something to do by young people. Consequently, they spend their time to disturb someone else, especially the unemployment who are difficult to walk straight into a great job.

To reduce the crime rate, several measures, however, should be done. To begin, the government needs to introduce a law for parents about how to look after and care their children until being adult. Thus, some punishments have to be given to parents who break this rule. Furthermore, Individually, teenagers have to take responsibility as part of society such as doing some positive activities.

In conclusion, it is evident that the proportion of juvenile delinquent has risen because of some unwell conditions. On the other hand, government and young people as individual can take several solutions to solve the problem. It is imperative that this will be easier and more effective if all members of society support the solution consistently.

Writing Feedback / Number of people has increased since 1800 and will increase continuously and then will decrease [5]

The line chart reveals data about the growth of people figures in the world from 1800 to present and its prediction nine decades later. The bar chart compares the prediction of global population growth in two different regions between 2015 and 2040. Both data are measured by millions of people.

Overall, the quantity of people has increased since 1800 and will increase continuously and then will decrease. However, developing regions will dominate whole global population,

The number of world population stood at 1,000 million and had increased steadily until 1950. After that, the global population has risen significantly until now and is going to peak at about 8,000 million in 2040. On the contrary, 2040 to 2100 will witness a dramatic decrease to around 6,000 million.

Finally, the world population will be dominated by developing areas, a significant rise of approximately 2,000 million, from around 2,000 in 2015 and 4,000 million in 2040, will be experienced by the regions. In contrast, there will not be more than 1,500 million in developed areas and it is going to remain stable during the period.

• 
  World Population Growth
  

Writing Feedback / Six prompts; Introduction and Conclusion only - IELTS Writing Task 2 [5]

This is my first time to write IELTS Writing Task 2 (Only Introduction and Conclusion). If you do not mind, please correct me if it is wrong. Thank you :)

1. Some people think that it is more effective for students to study in groups, while others believe that it is better for them to study alone. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Introduction:
In learning process, sometimes people think that cooperative learning is the best way to learn a subject, despite others have a different thought that individual learning is more efficient and effective. Therefore, I surely believe that each opinion has different perspectives.

Conclusion:
To sum up, it is evident that both thoughts have different reason to support their opinion. It is imperative that teacher should choose which method their students prefer to use in learning.

2. Many criminals re-offend after they have been punished. Why do some people continue to commit crimes after they have been punished, and what measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Introduction:
Criminals are really dangerous. Most prisoners perpetrate continuously even though they have been punished. To solve this problem, I strongly argue that there are many ways which can be taken.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, it is proved that some measures can be done to overcome the problem. It is emphasized that government should be consistent to solve the trouble.

3. As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual well-being. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

Introduction:
Job gratification is the most important thing of personal happiness in order the employees spend their adult time in their company. While there are many factors which can influence employees' satisfaction, all workers have different expectation about job satisfaction.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, it is evident that employees have different reason about factors that can improve their satisfaction at work. Therefore, workers should share some of their time for their family.

4. Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Introduction:
Language is the most important tool using to communicate each other. According to scientific thoughts, studying a foreign language at primary school is more effective than at secondary school. While the notion has many positive impacts, I truly believe that the idea also has negative consequences.

Conclusion:
To conclude, it is clear that learning a foreign language at primary school gives positive influence for students, however, negative effects must follow as well.

5. Air travel only benefits the richest people. The majority of people get no advantage from development of air travel. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Introduction:
Nowadays, air plane is the fastest and the most expensive transportation. Consequently, the majority of air plane passengers come from wealthy people, and most of deprived people can not enjoy the facility. While some people support the condition as well as development of air travel, I truly believe that others disagree due to several reasons.

Conclusion:
All in all, it is evident that there are two opinion about the trend, agree and disagree, followed by strong reason. It is imperative that air travel companies should cover all people, either wealthy people or poor people.

6. Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss these both views and give your own opinion.

Introduction:
It is true that parents are the first teacher for children at home. However, many people believe that school is the best place for students to learn many things such as studying to be good parts of society. Thus, I truly argue that these thoughts have different perspectives.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, it is evident that both opinions have different reasons to support their own notions. Consequently, parents should not only give some lessons about how to be good parts of society, but also take their children to study at school.

Writing Feedback / 'Overall, there are two type of cocoa after pressed.' - IELTS Writing Task 1 : Chocolate Bar [7]

The figures reveals the process of how a chocolate bar is produced and the price of a chocolate bar which is allocated into five different sectors. Overall, there are two type of cocoa after pressed. They are cocoa butter used to make chocolate bar and cocoa powder sold to food industry. Moreover, most of the chocolate bar price is allocated to supermarket, and ingredients and overheads.

The first step to make a chocolate bar is to grind the cocoa beans in order to produce cocoa liquor and residuals. The residuals is wasted but the cocoa liquor is used to make chocolate bars and then is pressed to get cocoa butter and cocoa powder. The cocoa powder is purchased by food industry while the cocoa butter is mixed with some cocoa liquor and sugar as well as other ingredients in industrial chocolate. Finally, the mixed materials yield chocolate bar.

Next, the price of a chocolate bar is divided up to only 4% for farmer producing cocoa beans. On the contrary, supermarket gets almost 35% of the price. It is approximately same with the proportion for ingredients and overheads, 37% of the price. Furthermore, 10% and 15% are what the government (tax) and the chocolate company get each.

• 
  
  
• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / The table describes the number of cinema viewers for four type films in four different nationalities [3]

The table describes the number of cinema viewers for four type films in four different nationality; India, Ireland, New Zealand, and Japan. It is measured by millions. Overall, in these countries, it can be seen that the figures of people who watch action films is higher than the other kinds of films. However, compared to the others, Indian is the biggest cinema viewers for most types of films.

The total of people who see horror films is only 15.8 millions. It is approximately half of people who watch action films, 29.9 millions. Furthermore, the number of comedy film viewers is almost same with romance film viewers. It is 19.9 millions for comedy films and 20.3 millions for romance films.

Next, more than 7 millions people view action films in each country. Moreover, the number of horror film viewers no more than 5 millions, except in Ireland. The quantity of Irish who view horror films is 6.4 million.

•