Graduate / SOP for doctoral computer science with concentration on machine learning and robotics [4]

The thing that bothers me the most is about the correct abbreviation of Artifical Intelligence. I thought that I was mistakenly read Artifical Intelligence (AL), but then I realized you kept using the same term for Artifical Intelligence. I am really sure, as far as I know, Articial Intelligence should be A.I. not A.L.. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Also, SOP like this is often related to an academic writing. You need to know that the use of coordinate conjunctions like 'but', 'and', and many more, should NOT be placed in the beginning of the sentence. This can make your SOP less academic/formal. I have seen some of them are placed in thw beginning of the sentence in this essay and therefore, I suggest you to replace them by using 'However'/'Nevertheless'/any other possible cohesive devices.

Overall, I can say that your SOP has improved from the previous one. It was well-developed and well-written. Some grammatical flaws are still considered as acceptable and do not distract the meaning. Yet, if you want to fix them, you can focus on the first sentence in the paragraph about your career plan.

Writing Feedback / The length of phone calls in the United Kingdom - WRITING TASK 1 [2]

Be careful in providing false descriptions because it wasn't a line graph, yet it is a bar chart. Also, you need to know that an overview is not that simple. You just stated the highest data and it's done. It wasn't like that. It is indeed more than that. You are suggested to create a general statement despite the highest, perhaps there are some stages or comparison that can be explained. If you examine it carefully, you will notice that there are two variables that increase gradually over the period, while the highest data experience a fluctuated trend. Then, it would be beneficial in improving your band score.

Just be more careful (again) in mentioning "upward trend until the end of the period", this can be considered as an overview and therefore it needs to be changed. "Trend" is supposed to be explained either in the very beginning part of your essay or in the very last. Avoid creating multiple "overview" in a single essay. This can possibly lead to a confusion and it would badly damage the final grading of your essay itself.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 -The graph reveals the information in regard to the ownership [3]

George, you are suggested to complete the description of information in the overview / introduction part in your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences that can be considered as a weak paragraph. Compressing the information into the two sentences can possible drag your band score down. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

- The graph reveals... (1st sentence)
- Overall, the mobile phones.. (2nd sentence)
- Meanwhile,... (3rd sentence)

You need to remember that 3 sentences should be written in each paragraph before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The thing is, it would make you present a complete understanding about all the aspects of the chart that you presented. The major criteria in assessing IELTS in terms of Coherence and Cohesion would relate to this issue. Therefore, I suggest you to not doing the same mistake in the next IELTS practice.

Undergraduate / Computers are ever-changing. I want to develop software that can make people's life easier. [7]

If the title above is the prompt, I might say that you just partially answered it. This is because the prompt asked you to write your REASONS for pursuing the selected program and NOT about your past story. You didn't even mention what kind of academic program that you are talking about. It seems implicit to the reader. The point is, you need to mention them clearly and explicitly. You can just simply say that you want to enroll/pursue Computer Science because you have passion since you were child. Then, you can explain the past story and valuable experience that relate to Computer Science. This would make the selection committee consider you as a straightforward person. You describe everything clearly without any hesitation or talk too long for nothing.

In addition, try to come up with something different. Don't you realize that your writing pattern is predictable and repetitive? Take a closer look on the second, third, and last paragraph. You started your paragraph by always using "I". Varying your response or paragraphing structure would be beneficial towards your essay itself.

Writing Feedback / Writing test exercise for ielts; the number of trips to and from UK increased every year 1979-1999 [3]

Resa, writing an acceptable and recommended paragraphing structure for an IELTS task 1 is not that difficult. It is suggested for you to write at least three paragraphs for this type of essay. The first paragraph should be the introduction paragraph that consists of question's paraphrase (1st sentence), and overview sentences (2nd and 3rd sentence). Creating a bulky introduction paragraph like what you've done might confuse the examiner. An essay that is difficult to understand can drag your band score down to 5.

After creating the introduction paragraph that consist of three sentences, you can write the first and second body paragraph. Before writing them, it is better for you to split the information from the chart given into half and equal portion. This can help you develop the essay easily. It is unfortunate that you didn't upload the picture, I would just come up with a simple example. When the chart shows two different data from 2008 and 2016 for example, in the first body paragraph, you can write the information that appears in 2008 and in the second body paragraph, you can just write the information in 2016. It might also be applied for this essay. The first body paragraph will explain about 1979 only and then, the second body paragraph just simply describe about what happened in 1999, as simple as that.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2 - Safety standards are important when building people's homes. [3]

The thing that makes your essay seems odd is because you did not answer the question properly. Reaching band 6 or above requires you to write a relevant (band 6) or clear (band 7) position in terms of Task Response. The question is pretty clear. You are suggested to CHOOSE either government or builder. Then, why did you come up with an answer that both are responsible. Somehow this type of answer might lead to an unclear and confusing development. This issue can possibly drag your band score down to 5 due to unclear position. Also, your essay can be considered as an essay that partially answered the prompt. Thus, my suggestion for you is that you need to straightforward in answering the prompt without making an unrelated answer. For instance, in this case, you can just CHOOSE one of the possible options. If you choose government, you can just focus on explaining why government should be responsible and not the builder. It might look simple, but this is a fundamental issue that can improve your band score later on.

Writing Feedback / The alteration of an island; new vehicle track and footpath to connect the western and eastern areas [6]

I can see some improvements and that's quite good. Yet, there are still some rooms to enhance the quality of your essay. For instance, it is quite obvious at first glance that the second paragraph is shorter than the third paragraph. This is what you need to avoid. You cannot get more than 6 if there is an imbalance portion of information that you describe. Also, 3-sentence rule needs to be applied in the whole essay and not just in the first paragraph. Therefore, your second paragraph needs an additional sentence to improve its clarity.

However, I can also notice that some of your words / sentences are actually inaccurate due to its meaning. You need to know the difference between "something that can be generally seen" and "something that needs to be remember". The phrase "bear in mind" refers to the second one and it is definitely wrong phrase that is used to express such condition. An overview sentence needs a cohesive device that properly states that a general view towards the picture/diagram/graph/chart can easily be noticed by most people.

Undergraduate / What do you and XYZ university have in common?(250-350 words) [4]

Somehow, your essay is quite difficult to be understood. I can see that the prompt is actually quite simple. You just need to mention and explain about what you and XYZ university have in common, but why did you come up with lots of unnecessary details that were not straightforward and somehow a bit jumpy. For me, I think that this was not a recommended response to answer this type of question. Thus, my suggestion is that it is better for you to directly state the answer briefly in the beginning of your answer and elaborate / explain the details afterwards. You can emphasize several important details that you think can enhance your personal quality. This can be possible to be considered as well-developed and straightforward response. However, if you still think that adding those 'unnecessary' details are needed. I reckon that you can sum the information from those two paragraphs into one well-developed paragraph. Then, add one more paragraph after the 'current' last paragraph the information about the common things that you and XYZ university have.

Writing Feedback / The alteration of an island; new vehicle track and footpath to connect the western and eastern areas [6]

What I am going to add here is about grouping. In IELTS task 1, you are suggested to create a plan first, before start writing a report summary. Therefore, in that plan, grouping is one of the essential parts in composing this type of essay. This is to ease you in making at least three paragraphs for an essay. To group the information, you just need to split the information into two possible sides. Make sure that it is balance information. For instance, in the map that you have provided, you can possibly divide the information into two main ideas. The first one should be the description of the map in "before" condition and the second one should be simply about the "after" condition. Thus, you can reach the recommended paragraph building from the given map. However, it is also obvious that the first paragraph is an introduction paragraph which consists of question's paraphrase (1st sentence) and overview (2nd and 3rd sentence). Keep in mind that three sentences are definitely needed if you want to reach band 6 or above. The idea is to have a complete thought and understanding about the given picture/diagram/chart/graph/table.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of water in six gulf countries in 2000, based on three main objectives [2]

Azmi, here's my feedback towards your first and last paragraph. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... the proportion of water usage of six gulf countries in 2000. (Stop here, new sentence)It is based on three ...

- At first glance, (comma needed) it is evident that [...] main purposes withinamong all...

Last paragraph:
- Apart from the previous comparison, (...) was for industrial which was consumed at less than 10%.
- The exception(it sounds repetitive from the previous paragraph) was Kuwait where [...] at less than a fifth.(I think that you often use fraction in describing the percentage. Just be careful, over-using it is also not recommended if you want to reach a high band score)

As you can see, you have mistakenly written a paragraph that only consist of 2 sentences. Compressing information in only two sentences is not suggested. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of the given chart. This is also one of the criteria in IELTS writing, particularly in terms of Coherence and Cohesion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: How heat is lost and energy wasted since the air circulation in a house [3]

@moderator: is this really a thread from 2015? Why does it become an unanswered thread?

Pramudita, the very first thing that you need to do is to recreate or rewrite your essay by considering a 3-sentence rule. You are suggested to write more than two sentences for each paragraph of your essay. The idea is to have the reader a complete understanding of the given picture. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. It is necessary for you to format your opening statement into at least three sentences below:

- The diagram illustrates... (1st sentence)
- Overall, it can be... (2nd sentence)
- There are... (3rd sentence)

Pay more attention and keep in your mind that each paragraph needs to have at least three sentences before it can be considered as acceptable by the examiner. One of the criteria in assessing this type of essay is Coherence and Cohesion. Creating only two sentences would only ruin the score of your coherence and cohesion part. The rest of your essay has the same issue. It still needs some changes.

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with, there are... (1st sentence)
- First,... (2nd sentence)
- Furthermore, this building... (3rd sentence)

3rd paragraph:
- Also, ventilation... (1st sentence)
- Finally... (2nd sentence)
- The air getting... (3rd sentence)

Writing Feedback / Various ways of communication summary - all contribute to conveying information equally [3]

Is this a General Training IELTS prompt? If yes, this would be my first time in assessing this type of essay. I believe a GT IELTS still use public band descriptors for its assessment. Thus, the detailed feedback would be described below.

You need to know that in Grammatical range and accuracy criteria of assessment, punctuation is also assessed. Your punctuation mistakes are quite frequent. After period or comma, you have to give at a space before writing the next words/phrase. Try to focus on observing what I have written in this message. Capitalization is also essential, you can only capitalize or make your first letter of the word in capital form if it is the name of something or it is in the beginning of the sentence. After comma, you cannot make it in capital form again. Additionally, your spelling is also problematical. Proofreading several times is needed to avoid such problems. Due to the above-mentioned flaws, I reckon that in Grammatical range and accuracy part, this essay cannot go beyond 5.0.

Do not worry, there are still 3 other criteria of IELTS that can be taken into consideration. Those are Task Response/Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, and Lexical Resource. Yet, if one of the criteria falls into 5, it is quite impossible to predict that the other scores might reach 7. The range would be between 4 minimum and 6 maximum.

Scholarship / I was graduated from University of Indonesia majoring Occupational Health and Safety [6]

Debby, sorry to say that your motivation letter didn't answer the prompt given properly. The portion of your answer might be inappropriate. The prompt asks you clearly to explain the reason what and why do you want to study in the university (75%) and your other achievements (25%). Seems to me you just split them into a half portion. Your answer towards the first part of the prompt is explained in the third and fourth paragraph, which is quite late I guess. Then, you put your achievements in the first and second paragraph. This should be switched and the portion should be changed. For instance, it is better for you to answer directly the 75% part in the first, second, and third paragraph. Then, the 25% part can be placed in the fourth paragraph.

Additionally, your grammatical range and accuracy is also problematical. Try to use spell-checker to help you. Some of your words are still inaccurate. Your motivation letter is also inconsistent in choosing what kind of tenses that should be used. Try to focus on the time signal for each sentence if you want to use the accurate tense.

Writing Feedback / The controversy statement that American's airport left far away from other countries' airports [2]

Lincoln, I think that you need to learn more about collocation. Your sentence structure seems quite confusing due to inappropriate collocation that you put carelessly in the summary. For instance, when you write the word "right" it is not supposed to be collocated with "tremendously". The appropriate adverbs that can be collocated with the word "right" are absolutely, dead, exactly, just, quite , almost, more or less, nearly . Apart from those lists, you cannot put ANY adverbs before the word "right". It might look simple but it becomes one of the essential grading criteria in an IELTS test.

When it comes to grammatical range and accuracy, I think you have forgotten your high-school English subject about Gerund. If you still remember, your former teacher definitely said that "if you put a verb after preposition, its form will definitely change into an -ing form". For example, in your summary you wrote "After selected as..." it should be "After being selected as..." as simple as that.

Writing Feedback / People can freely choose clothes they like, while they cannot be assessed from their appearance [3]

The important thing that is missing from your essay is a proper thesis statement and the outline of your thesis statement. These two elements are essential because they can help you achieving your desirable band score (6 or above). Thus, I would like to help you by rephrasing your introductory paragraph into a well-developed response towards the prompt. I hope you can follow through.

In the last decade, there has been a considerable debate [...], because someone is eligible to choose clothes which they like.

These days, it is believed that people's quality can be seen from the outfits that they wear while some people think that clothes are not supposed to be the indicator to judge people. However, I would personally agree with the second view due to outfits cannot represent people's quality. This essay will discuss, first, how assuming people's images based on appearance is not justifiable and second, they have their own tendency to choose whatever clothes that they like.

Writing Feedback / The appearance of people as one of the essential indications of what characteristics they possess [3]

Sorry to say that this essay might only reach either 4 or 5 due to unclear both views discussion. You are suggested to discuss the first view (about clothes represent characteristics) and the second view (about people cannot be judged based on their appearance), as simple as that. Then why did you jump up to quite unrelated answer? You're not being told to look for the factors that affect the appearance, but you might need to alter the word formation into the most appropriate one. For instance, instead of saying "there are several factors affect people appearance such as age, culture and job.", you can just say "people cannot be judged by their appearance because it doesn't represent what is the real quality of a person itself."

Also, you need to learn more about grammar. It looks really messy and confusing for the reader. Try to come up with simple sentences first if you're not sure about what you're going to write. Remember, less accurate complex sentences would make your band score can only reach 5 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - New Investigation from Malaysia Airlines [2]

Lincoln, I am sure that this is too short for an article summary. You are suggested to write more than 4-5 sentences in a paragraph. It would be approximately consist of 100 words minimum.

Aside from grammatical feedback, I would say that the content of your summary seems a bit jumpy. After stating that this happened either because of Ukranian rocket or Russian army warhead, you just directly jumped to the fact that this is only a speculation due to lack of evidence. I reckon that you need to explain why they eventually say that this is a speculation while they claim that this is a new investigation. You need to underline that investigation is far more different than speculation. How can a new investigation jumped to speculation? This is what you need to explore.

Writing Feedback / DO YOU AGREE THAT THE STUDY OF MATHEMATICS IS ESSENTIAL TO THE PROGRESS OF HUMAN RACE? [4]

The flow of ideas is well-done. Yet, I can still see some ways to improve the content of your essay. Concerning the prompt that asked you to write whether you agree or disagree to the question/prompt given, I might say you have violated a fundamental rule of a question. It needs a direct answer from you. Even though your idea development indicated that Mathematics is essential, you never mentioned anything about your agreement here. At least you can just say that "I do agree with... / I strongly agree... / Personally, I agree with...." to make sure to the reader that your agreement is clear since the very beginning of your essay. Therefore, the quality of the essay itself would more likely to be enhanced.

Also, in the very last paragraph (sentence) of your essay, you have written "Mathematics has relation with every field in human life." . This can be considered as over-generalize an idea. I don't really think that "Mathematics has relation with EVERY FIELD" because some of them do not even need Mathematics. For instance, 'a language' doesn't have to be mathematically correct if someone wants to talk to other people as long as the message or intention of the speaker has delivered clearly.

Writing Feedback / Technologies such as computer benefits society [6]

Huy, you have mistakenly used coordinate connectors (but, and) as your cohesive device in some sentences in your essay. Those are coordinate connectors and are not supposed to be placed in the beginning of the sentence. In academic writing, placing them in the beginning of the sentence would make the essay becomes less formal or even can be inappropriate for a number of reasons. This is why you are obliged to give the prompt of your essay, so that we are able to match your essay with the given prompt. It is conducted in order to determine whether your essay has successfully answered the prompt or not. Those words can easily be replaced by some proper cohesive devices such as, However/Nevertheless (to replace 'but'), and Additionally/In addition/Furthermore/Moreover (to replace 'and'). These feedback might look simple but it would be really helpful if you pay more attention to it and try to NOT fall into the same mistake again.

Writing Feedback / The average distance in miles which people drove to somewhere else in England from 1985 to 2000 [2]

Mardian, apart from the above-mentioned feedback from one of EF contributors, I would like to focus on your content. However, I might say that your content seems not strong enough to cover all the necessary information that is given. This is because your paragraphing structure might lack of sentence(s). You need to bear in mind that each paragraph for either IELTS task 1 or task 2 needs to have at least three sentences per each. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of the chart given and possibly describe all the necessary information without missing any of it. Format your opening paragraph this way:

A breakdown of... (1st sentence)
Overall, it can be... (2nd sentence)
Additionally, there is... (3rd sentence)

Also, you need to know that an overview sentence is not simply consisted of the largest and the lowest data. You need to analyze the stage or possibly a general comparison instead of only mentioning the largest and lowest. This would be dangerous towards your band score if your overview sentence doesn't adequately cover the general information that is needed. In terms of Task Achievement, this essay would only worth 5 because of unclear overview sentence.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that judging from the clothes that they wear is not appropriate. Others disagree. [3]

Do not create a 'hung' introduction paragraph if you want to reach band 6 or above. It should be clear from the very beginning that the first sentence of the introductory paragraph should be the paraphrase of the question. The second sentence should be your thesis statement. Then, the third sentence should be the OUTLINE of your thesis statement. This will indicate that you have written a clear overall progression within your essay and it is more likely that you will get more than 6 in terms of Task Response. Let me help you by rephrasing your introduction paragraph:

Some people said that the fabrics people [...] important thing can be used to assess people is from their behavior.

It is believed that indicating people's personality can be taken from the clothes that they wear, but other people argue that judging the clothes that people wear is not appropriate. From my point of view, I think that assessing people's character is not only from their appearance, but their behaviour can also be taken into account. Thus, this essay will discuss, first, how formal jobs consider appearance the most and second, how behaviour can be used as a measurement.

Writing Feedback / The education fee should not be charged for every student with different household budget [3]

There are many IELTS candidates that have the same mistake in deciding their position towards the essay. I believe that you are one of them. I would advice you to NOT partly agree with the prompt given. Partial agreement might only lead to a confusing and complicated essay structure. Therefore, you are not going to achieve more than 5 in terms of Task Response. If you want to achieve band 6 or above, you are suggested to write a Relevant position (band 6) or CLEAR position (band 7) towards the given task. To write either a relevant or clear position, you need to fully agree / disagree with the prompt. For instance, by disagreeing, your position would be clear that you reject the idea of free university education for all people because it is more likely to burden the budget of the country. Therefore, you can propose a solution from your disagreement by saying that it can be free for particular group of people as you mentioned above. As a result, your position towards the prompt can be considered as relevant or even clear.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts reveal about the outcome of study which was conducted in 2005 and 2009 [3]

Apart from grammatical errors in the first paragraph, I can see you misinterpreted the word "pattern" and "trend". These two words are essentially the same. When you mention an upward pattern, it also means an upward trend. It somehow conveys the similar meaning and therefore, mentioning both of them in a single sentence is not acceptable or redundant. Thus, I suggest you to choose one of them.

Inaccurate cohesive device such as "however" that appears in the middle of the sentence would also bring detrimental effect towards your band score in terms of Coherence Cohesion. Also, it is obvious that you over-use them. If you take a closer look on your body 1 and body 2, you will see that each sentence has its own cohesive devices and this can be considered as over-use. Thus, you can only get 5 in the actual test.

Additionally, overview is supposed to be the general aspects of the chart given. It is not just simply mentioning the highest and the lowest data. This can be considered as "no clear overview" and therefore, 5 is the maximum possible score for this type of essay. You can just write like this: "the data indicated a very good relationship among workers either supervisor or co-workers, and even it increased significantly until the end of the period." to create a clear overview of the chart given and possibly gain 6 or above in terms of Task Achievement.

Scholarship / If I don't get this scholarship, I won't let it deter my hopes and future aspiration [3]

I am not really sure whether the arrangement of your plans seem okay or not. In my opinion, I might say that "if I fail to get MasterCard Foundation scholarship, I would still look for other possible scholarship opportunities rather than joining online courses or attending free workshops. I do believe that if plan A doesn't work, the alphabet still has B-Z / 25 letters left." This statement would be beneficial in convincing the selection committee that you are a hard-working person that has a great desire and passion to be the agent-of-change in your country.

However, the rest of the essay was okay I guess. The thing that you need to switch is the idea of continuing to look for other opportunities first rather than joining online courses or attending free workshops. Then, by prioritizing the scholarship opportunities, the selection committee will more likely to know that you are a person with a strong will. I don't say that your idea is bad, I just think that it is better to mention other scholarship opportunities first.

Scholarship / I want to be a part of the development of Africa and contribute to it - this is my responsibility [3]

Don't you realize that your PLANS are too many and some of them are impractical? First, you want to work in energy solutions company and also involve in research. (okay this is fine) Second, in several years (approximately 5 years) you want to start your own energy solutions company. (Hmm, this is questionable. The big question is "How?") Third plan, you are going to raise campaign. (why don't you start earlier? why do you wait until 2026 or after having your own company? raise campaign would be like the sooner the better right?) Fourth plan (short-term), you want to create SCHOOL. (when is exactly the nearest future that you're talking about? because you said earlier that you want to WORK in energy solutions company right after your graduation) Fifth, create workshop, sixth, expand your company, and lastly, you want to inspire others. (these plans are indeed impractical)

Overall, you can see that your ideas or plans are conflicted. It was not well-arranged and well-developed. Try to find more practical solutions or plans. Sometimes 1-2 well-prepared plans are better than 5-6 unprepared plans.

Scholarship / The energy crisis in Nigeria has been a concern for both the Nigerian government and the people [3]

Charles, I do really like the idea development so far. It is indeed well-developed and well-written essay. However, there is still one thing that bothers me concerning your essay. It is about TIME . If your goal is to solve / tackle the issue of electricity after completing your bachelor degree, it seems only like a day-dreaming. This is why you need to mention that this is a long-term goal. Without mentioning whether short or long-term goal, you are more likely going to face skeptical view from the examiner / selection committee. Therefore, I suggest you to add the essential information about when you are going to solve this issue, right after study? impossible, but I believe after several years of research, the problem is gradually going to be significantly tackled. Remember, do not talk for a big scale, focus on the most possible solution first.

Writing Feedback / Supervisor vs co-employees - the graph show about result of survey to employee [5]

The missing picture of the task given would not help us in reading and checking the content of your report summary of IELTS task 1. I would suggest you to upload it next time or you might get suspended if you keep making the same mistake.

However, with regards to your essay, I might say that it can only reach overall 4 or even worse in the actual test. First, it didn't answer the task properly. The task clearly tells you that you need to write at least 150 words but you wrote only 149 words. Thus, in terms of Task Response, you can just get 4. Second, only some of your sentences are accurate but errors are predominate. This is why you cannot go more than 4. For the other two criteria (Coherence and Cohesion, and Lexical Resource), you are also more likely to get only 4 due to repetitiveness are predominant and your word formations seem improperly placed.

My suggestion is that you need to try to learn step by step. You can try to write an introduction paragraph first. After you master it, you can just move to the second paragraph and third paragraph. It is suggested for you to try to learn more on how to create accurate complex sentences. Most of them are still inaccurate.

(@ika cahyo: be careful of making a "poor" post. Your account is going to be suspended if you only focus on grammatical errors)

Writing Feedback / An appearance of Internet has made significant changes in the way people live [3]

Please give a clear title concerning on what kind of essay that you post in this thread. If this is an IELTS writing task 2 essay, it is not suggested to partially agree with the given task/prompt. Most of 'partial agree' essays lead to a confusing structure and idea development. Also, you need to consider IELTS band descriptors of task 2 as your guidance (if this is an IELTS essay). According to IELTS band descriptor, this essay would only worth 5.0 in terms of Task Response due to 'partially addressed the task'.

In addition, your grammar also becomes a problem. You have major errors when composing complex sentences. This can also make your band score become 5 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy. My suggestion is that you need to learn more about how complex structures can be made. Let me show you one of your mistakes:

They just sit at home is being able to chat with friends .

They just sit at home and chat with their friends .
or
They just sit at home and they can chat with their friends .

Both options are acceptable.

Writing Feedback / According to a study, 72 percent of old people in Glasgow (aged 75 years and more), were illiterate [4]

An advanced level of introduction paragraph is usually in the form of passive voice sentence and not in active one. Try to switch your introductory sentence into a passive one. Also, concerning tenses usage, I reckon that your essay is rather inconsistent. You should use past form when the year indicates a past event and showed by a past year. Present tense is also used but only for the very first sentence in the introduction before the overview sentence. Additionally, do NOT mention "we can see / we have to note" more than once. It should only be used for overview sentence and not for each paragraph. There are many alternatives rather than those phrases such as, 'to begin with'/'initially'/'with regards to'/many more cohesive devices that might be accurate.

For some model answers of task 1, you can take a look at my threads by clicking on my username.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 (The graph shows information about kinds of important communication ability) [5]

Even though people is plural, I think the correct version is: "dealing with people WAS" - not "WERE."

Writing Feedback / The electronic media impacts on the alteration of human behavior which tends to be more individual [3]

I can see the reason why did your essay cannot go beyond 6.0. This is because your conclusion is still unclear and it looks repetitive from what you have been written in the introduction paragraph. You didn't use your paraphrasing skill effectively for this part. Thus, to reach 6.5 or possibly 7 in terms of Task Response, you are suggested to make a clear conclusion with more than just a single sentence like what you have written in this essay.

In addition, another essential assessment criteria is Coherence and Cohesion. In this part, if you want to reach 6.5 or possible 7, you need to create not only a clear progression in the introduction paragraph (which you didn't make. Actually, I would prefer to give you 5 for this part), but also you must write a clear progression for each paragraph. This means, a clear topic sentence and concluding sentence for each paragraph should be written clearly. This condition would be beneficial towards your final assessment later on.

Letters / Music Resume: Identifying Points of Confusions & Possible Solutions [4]

Zhang, there is no right or wrong in writing, especially in writing a resume / curriculum vitae about yourself. I think that your resume seems acceptable as long as the information is real and correct (based on true facts and not a made up one). However, I have some suggestions that you might want to consider. The format of your resume should consists of several essential categories. First, it should be from your past education to the latest education. Then, you can just categorize the education into formal and informal one. After categorizing your education, you can come up with your experience (preferably work experience). Try to also divide you experience based on its relevancy. If your work experience is relevant towards your intended major, just mention that "Work experience that are RELEVANT to my intended field of study:" and if it is not, you can just say "Work experience that are NOT relevant to my intended field of study", as simple as that. Lastly, you can write all of your achievements in the last part of the resume, either academic or non-academic.

Writing Feedback / Popularity of the specialist, grammar and voluntary-controlled schools on three periods [3]

icha, an exact data about the year or even percentage should not be appeared in the introduction paragraph of an IELTS task 1. An introduction paragraph is the place for explaining the question (paraphrase) and give an overview of the graph/chart/in this case, table. You have mistakenly put 2000 and 2009 a second time which indicates that those are the details. Your essay will only get 5 due to this issue. Please remember that "may have tendency to focus on details" is one of the criteria that is mentioned in the IELTS writing band descriptors in terms of Task Achievement.

Also, be more careful in writing the data. If you write three or more than three data / percentage more than three times in a single sentence, it can be considered as shop-listing and this will not bring any good towards your essay. The examiner will see you as a person who cannot briefly summarize the important information properly. My suggestion is that you can just mention maximum two clear data/percentage to avoid such repetition and shop-listing problem..

Writing Feedback / The majority of companies regard that they should create regulation about their employee dress [4]

Lincoln, in terms of task response, you are more likely to get only 5.0. due to partially answer the prompt given. You are obliged to "discuss both views and GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION". Opinion should be clear since the very beginning part of your essay, particularly introduction paragraph. Also, the unfortunate absence of "Overall Progression" in this essay makes your band score in terms of 'Coherence and Cohesion' can only get 5.0. If two out of four criteria of your essay get only 5, it is nearly impossible to make the other two criteria become 6 or even 7. Mostly they go hand-in-hand and the margin is not that wide.

For instance, this sentence "This essay will discuss two points of view regarding such issue." cannot be considered either an opinion or both views discussion because there is no clear ideas about what points of view that you are going to explain. Thus, it is better to add an opinion-sentence and rephrase them. Let me help you with that.

I would argue that both issues are crucial and inseparable. This essay will discuss, first, how company's professionalism can be seen through the outfits and second, how work performance is more significant than appearance.

Writing Feedback / iPhone 8 Dreaming in Full Swing; ten years' anniversary [3]

Three threads in a row, I just hope that this is not considered as breaking the rule of this forum. However, I would still come up with my feedback anyways.

- There are some rumors(is it really 'some'? the article is only about one rumor)that to celebrate iPhone's ten years' anniversary. (stop here, new sentence)Thereareis a drastic innovation in iPhone 7of iPhone franchise in 2017.

- This is a chance for the companiescompany to increase the number of iPhone salesthat will be sold .
- For the recent iPhone, that demand actually still peakedThe latest iPhone demand is actually still at its peak , but it not obstructsdoesn't obstruct Apple to (...), especially when iPhones hasin iPhoneone decades' anniversarya decade celebration/anniversary event .

There are still quite a lot subject-verb agreement issues that need to be fixed in your essay. Try to proofread the rest of your summary by considering the above-mentioned feedback. I hope you will gain some improvements in the next "punishment practice". :)

Writing Feedback / People can keep in touch easily by using modern technology, even though it may lead to conflicts [2]

Mardian, even though you have tried to write an acceptable writing pattern, some essential parts are missing and this would make your essay can only reach 5.0 in terms of Task Response. Those are "the absence of a result / an implication of the example that you have provided" and "the absence of clear examples of what you have stated earlier". When you mention an example about you phoning your peers, you just need to write what is the implication of that example. Then, when you mention "conflict" in the second body paragraph, it is questionable. What is the conflict? What kind of conflict? Missing an example can also be indicated as under-developed / insufficient development. In band 5, remember that "express a position but the development is not always clear..." and "present some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed" are the main criteria that you MUST avoid if you want to achieve band 6 or above.

With regards to your grammatical range and accuracy, I can also predict that your essay is only worth 5 or below in an actual test. Your grammar mistakes cause some difficulty to the reader, especially when it comes to complex sentence. Your complex sentences tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. It seems to the reader that you still have some difficulty in deciding to use proper connectors. Take a look at one of them for an example:

People are able to communicate easily which can make them closer, while ...

Even though people are able to easily communicate with others in order to make them closer, there is a drawback that potentially disturb a culture's harmony.

Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) We may be able to tap into our memories from infancy [3]

Dedy,
here's my analysis towards your article summary.

- ...moment when they are still2-year- old2 years old , but with the right trigger it could make thembe to re- remember because it still staysthat moment is actually still exist in ourtheir brains.

- ...new neurons which are disturb formingthe formation of early childhood brains.
- ItThis occurrence is called...
- ... 17 days old17-day-old rats, which is equal to a 2 to 3 year-oldyears old child.
- ... the rats several triggerS , they couldcan remember their moment again, it showedshows that with (...) lost memories could reactivatecan be reactivated . (this is a facts/findings, present tense is the most appropriate)

Overall, I can see that you seem still confuse when to decide to use particular tense and this might hamper your grammatical range and accuracy. Try to mind the above-mentioned feedback. I hope this would be helpful :)

Writing Feedback / Summary article. I want to talk about article of John's job interview. [2]

Iman, I cannot see the point of your writing. Is it truly a summary? Or you just create that story by yourself? First of all, it seems 'odd'. I am really sure that it wasn't come from an article. Who is John? Artist? Researcher? Whoever John is, it seems to me he suddenly came out from nowhere, without any clear background.

However, if then for example you admit that this is the story that you made by yourself. I strongly suggest you to change the title. Just write "A story of John the 'unemployed' person" or something related to that particular title. Do not add any additional details like "summary article" or even "IELTS task 2" on your title to avoid confusion of the reader.

Then, with regards to your 'essay', try to focus on the format first. I am pretty sure that this is about a recount story that happened in the past. Therefore, past tense is the most appropriate tense that you can use.

Writing Feedback / It is believed that English has removed other languages due to its popularity. [2]

Lincoln,
Here's my contributions towards your TED's video summary. I hope you can follow through and gain some improvements in the next practice. :)

- ...believe that English has removedremove other languages... (statement, should be in present form)
- ... to be successful, and havehaving better salary...
- ...people in the world of teaching and studying..

Overall, I can say that your summary is quite understandable due to minimum errors that I have found. You have carefully written a summary by considering grammatical range and accuracy seriously. Also, the flow of ideas is well-done. You have effectively used cohesive devices to link your sentences into an appropriate and well-developed paragraph. My suggestion is that you need to find any other videos that are quite uncommon to others. I have seen like "hundreds" of Jay Walker summaries in this forum. TED.com itself have thousands of videos that you can pick but this one.

Writing Feedback / A line chart about how many times per year the juveniles in Australia ate fast foods [2]

Ching Tang, IELTS buddy is a website that has many IELTS sample answers and questions. Do you expect the reader to go there and search the picture of your writing? It might be very HELPFUL to us if you just SAVE the picture from that website and upload it here. Perhaps, you can just also copy and paste the link of the picture here, as simple as that. However, this is the detailed feedback towards your writing. Hope this helps :)

- There is a line chartThe line graph illustrates the information about how many times in a year do the juveniles haveconsume fast food in Australia from 1975 to 2000.

- Pizza, fish and chips, and hamburgers arewere compared in the chart.(too simple. This type of overview will only make your band score become 5 or below in terms of task achievement.)

- Fish and chips arewere consumed a (...), and it iswas around tenfold...
- Then, (comma needed) the number of eaten of fish and chips (...) eventually dropped off...
- ...immediately climbed up and stopped to the number 95 in 1985.
- Yet it startsNevertheless, it was started to fall gradually.

It is quite clear that you has mistakenly chosen the appropriate tenses for this type of task. When you take a closer look at THE YEAR, it is actually obvious that this data was taken in the PAST and therefore, PAST FORM of sentences are needed.