Posts by Crystal812

Crystal812

Mar 15, 2016

Scholarship / "Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship" Undergraduate Motivation Letter (need structure advice) [2]

Hi, Boldsaikhan,

Nice try. However, I found that you need to refine your essay carefully.

Sometimes, you arranged several contents in one paragraph, which made your audience confused and your passage chaotic. I believe it is better to try to catagrize your items and reconstruct your essay. For example, your interest, knowledge backgroud, working experiences, strengths, objectives.

Also, I found that you have a logical problem in your essay. According to your application, you want to be more independent. However, you just apply for scholarship and do not use your parents' money. It is another kind of dependence ---- relying on your future institution or organization. If you still want to maintain the independent part, you'd better give more details, like you will do part-time jobs at the same time. Otherwise， it is hard to persuade your interviewers to believe that you will struggle to make a living.

Still, wish you success.

Crystal812

Mar 9, 2016

Writing Feedback / Toefl: people are allowed to join politics [2]

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of people's perception about politics. In Plato's masterpiece "The Republic", he described the politician as the most sophisticated philosopher in the community. However, now this definition is sort of obsolete and citizens are free to announce their campaigns. I agree with the statement that individuals can do political work.

First of all, new people can bring fresh atmosphere to politics because they are not limited by bureaucracy. It is hard to deny that politicians have strong desires to make a great contribution to society at the very beginning. However, as time passes by, some of them are accustomed to bureaucracy and have lower job efficacy, which bring trouble to citizens. New officers can stimulate the government to work faster and more carefully.

Second, individuals from other areas in society can defend their groups' right and they are quite familiar with specific problems than some politicians. For example, if a person used to be an athlete, when becoming officers in sport department, he or she could represent their right , propose enhancing the construction of athletic facilities and improve national physical quality, due to having a good command of athletic knowledge and experiences.

Last but not least, people from other profession can also do well in politics, due to their abilities and qualities. For example, Micheal Bloomberg, who used to be a businessman, performed well when he was the mayor and did the job without any salaries. Also, Ronald Reagon, who was an actor before, was a competent president and helped the US to facilitate its national economy. We cannot exclude people from politics just judging from their vocations before

In conclusion, I agree various kinds of people take part in politics and what's the most important is that we should give them opportunities for the sake of their capabilities and qualities. As long as they want to serve the public, their ambitions deserve respect.

Crystal812

Mar 9, 2016

Scholarship / Fresno Unified scholarship Fund essay - my career goals, special circumstances, awards, abilities... [4]

Hi, Karen.

I read your essay. Nice try. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. Do allow me to give some suggestions:

1. You should add some parts about your strengths. The department will give you scholarship, not only because you are in trouble, but they also require applicants to be very outstanding.

2. You need to give more details. Now you just say you are good at art. I am wondering whether you have make some achievements.

3. You are supposed to show your responsibily and objectives. Make them specific. For example, maybe you can indicate your actions to repay the favor in the future. Promise something.

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Mar 9, 2016

Undergraduate / Bowling sport - college admission! help correct my grammars / change words to better ones [5]

Hi, Kris,

I found some tiny grammar mistakes:

"but the most important things I learned from bowling is this sport took a lot of patience, concentration and confidence which is too important values that we should be equipped with to cope through our daily life ."

the most important things is...... ?? → the most important thing is
so + adj. that clause.....
our daily lives

Crystal812

Mar 7, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: the statement that teenagers nowadays do not spend enough time in helping their communities. [2]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communities.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development in society. Therefore, young people are forced by their teachers to study hard and are assigned a lot of tasks after school. Furthermore, they have various access to entertainment because of the Internet. Even though some young individuals volunteer their services in spare time, they choose to help people far away from their regions or countries to have profound effects in the world. So I would like to agree with the statement that teenagers nowadays do not spend enough time in helping their communities.

First of all, facing heavy stress came from their parents and teachers, young people do not have enough time to pour into their communities. In campus, teachers give students a lot of materials to read and homework to do, which occupies a large amount of time in their lives. And sometimes when they accomplish assignments, they are required by their parents to cultivate skills, such as learning a second language or playing the piano. This sort of lifestyle keeps young people quite busy nowadays and cannot have other extracurricular activities.

Second, when young people have spare time on weekends, they are more likely to have fun with their friends to relieve anxiety. For example, due to the great assistance of the Internet, kids can watch TV series online for a long time and chat with their companies through Twitter or Facebook, which are very convenient and comfortable. Also, some young people are inclined to play online games to entertain themselves, which usually cost a few hours every time. What I want to argue is that, when they get rid of stressful work or study, they prefer to have a good rest, instead of helping communities.

Last but not least, it is hard to deny that some children do volunteer in their spare time; however, young people now would like to go far away from their regions, even countries. For instance, a lot of my classmates join some NGOs in Africa or Asia to contribute to charity. They may want to volunteer and help society develop, but the major focus of attention is not serving local communities.

In conclusion, I believe that young people do not give enough time to helping their communities recently, because they have a tremendous amount of pressure came from teachers and parents, and they are more possible to relax themselves during free time, not to mention volunteers joining foreign NGOs.

Crystal812

Mar 7, 2016

Scholarship / Express the reasons for your department/program of study preferences and briefly explain how your... [3]

Hello, Osman,

To be honest, I do not know what your exact question is. You did not give enough information.

Usually, in an application, people show the interest, the backgroung context, academic performance, social activities, and the connection to the program.

I am not sure whether this is helpful. Have a nice day.

Crystal812

Mar 6, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL TASK: children prepare for adult life → do a part-time job [2]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. (30 minutes)

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of people's perception about work. Nowadays, even parents prefer to cultivate their kids to prepare for their future jobs; for example, an increasing number of my classmates are cultivated to do part-time jobs during their sparing time. So I agree with the statement that it is one of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life to encourage them to take a part-time job, for three reasons: time management, financial awareness, social skills.

First of all, it is believed that doing a part-time job is of great assitance to arrange the schedule, which is helpful to prepare for adult life. As time goes by, children grow up and they will find that there will be more tasks in their lives in the future. Not only do they need to pay atttenition to their work, but they are also concerned about their family members. Balancing between studying and working is a kind of preparation to maximize job efficacy and fulfill multiple tasks in a time limitation.

Second, children now do not have too much awareness of finance, so they usually have tight budgets. It is a crucial choice to render students to make money by themselves and as a result, they will know how hard it is to make a living. Also, because the money is earned by themselves, they may have interest in saving and investing. Owing to the great significance of money in people's lives, it is fundamental for them to do a part-time job to prepare for adult life.

Last but not least, during the process of working, students will have a good command of social skills, which is pivotal in the future. For example, salesmen must have communication skills so they can sell their products quickly. Before entering the adult world, kids are familiar with their friends and are close to their family. But it is indeed to get in touch with strangers in society for the sake of their jobs' characteristics. A proper way to develop social skills is to do a part-time job, to meet different sorts of people in this world.

All in all, I agree with the opinion that young people should be encouraged to work early to prepare for adult life, which is beneficial to manage time, money and improve social skills.With this set of preparation, it will be easier for them to live independently in the future.

Crystal812

Mar 6, 2016

Writing Feedback / Why do some cultivated people read everything from books to the Internet sites? [4]

Good passage. You only have several mistakes. Still I would like to say you are doing well. You have a deep knowledge of advanced vocabulary.

Crystal812

Mar 6, 2016

Graduate / Preventing students from following some academic disciplines in which they will most likely fail [3]

Hi, rusnikolaev,

I am afraid that you have some mistakes. Do allow me to point them out.

... a responsibility to advise students where they shouldn't study but not dissuade them. It is really matter to student to make decision () himself because in a future it will not occur to his mind that because of opinion that his teacher had imposed () him he has reached this point but could other(??). Also young changes dramatically after finishing high school and during studying at university(this sentence does not even have a verb).

In this case teachers thought that he can't achieve anything in hislive .
... Thomas Edison continued learning () himself and when he was 21...

... results not only in particular field of study but in any which they want.

And like Leonardo, I think, students can themselves choose what they want to study.

... after two years he had realized that he doesn't like it.

Now he is on graduation year. Victor() really happy that he dared to change his life.

... I want to say that it's only your responsible to make decision about life ...

Crystal812

Feb 28, 2016

Writing Feedback / If we're afraid of making mistakes during the process of obtaining success, we'll miss opportunities [3]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of society due to quick changes of technology. Information updates fast and opportunities flow quickly. If we are afraid of making mistakes during the process of obtaining success, we will miss and waste a lot of oppotunities and information. So I believe that it's more crucial to work quickly and risk than to work slowly and make sure that everything is right.

First of all, in today's world, modern people are required to perfect their work efficiency and take advantage of instant information to adapt to the large job market. While some people are slowing their work, others are making strenuous efforts to receive fresh news and make it function at optimum level. People, who use information quickly and wisely, are more likely to survive and succeed in this competitive job market.

Second, it is hard to deny that opportunities in this world are scarce and precious, so working quickly are of great assitance to seizing them. For example: when companies want to promote somebody to become a manager, they may ask candidates to fulfill assignments within time limitations. In this case, if individuals just say that they need more time to make sure everything is correct, they will lose in the competition. In other words, opportunities do not wait for anyone.

Last but not least, we should not be afraid of making mistakes, because they are inevitable and necessary. There is no doubt that, before the success, we will experience failures many times. Even though we make mistakes, what's the most important is that, we correct those faults. Mistakes can teach us some pivotal lessons and help us maintain a modest attitude during the process. Only avoiding errors and sacrificing the speed will cost our precious information and opportunities.

In conclusion, I claim that we should work quickly and risk making mistakes rather than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct. Because of the quick rhythm of this society, we should not miss instant information and chances.

Crystal812

Feb 28, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Task: Should teachers make their social or political views known to students? [2]

Toefl independent writing task:
Agree or disagree: Teachers should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of people's perception about education. Recently, a lot of discussions about education are held by people to improve the quality of schools. Among them, there is some doubt on whether teachers should make their personal views known to students in the classroom. To be honest, I disagree with the statement that teacher should not make their social or political views known to their students, owing to their beneficial effects, students' own judgement ability and some professional requirements.

First of all, not only teachers are teaching students' knowledge, but they are also influencing young people's behaviors and beliefs during the class. Most of school teachers are strictly selected by schools, so they will not do harm to students. On the contrary, they affect their students in some aspects in their lives. For example, teachers will instruct kids to be honest and sincere to their friends, which is an important part of social views and brings beneficial effects on kids.

Second, students are old enough to understand social or political views and are able to judge by themselves. Some individuals maintain that young people are easily influenced by their teachers' political views because they are afraid that young people do not have capability of judging. I would like to say that they underestimate children's ability. Students can be accessible to different social or political standpoints, and what's the most important is that they can differentiate between good ones and adverse ones.

Last but not least, sometimes teachers are required to talk about political views in the classroom. For instance, I, who major in Political Science, cannot avoid listening to teachers' discussing political theories. And it is difficult for my teachers not to mention political views during the class, since it is what we are supposed to learn and it occupies a tremendous amount of curriculum. Without talking about political views, I have nothing to learn from my teachers.

To summarize, I object the opinion that teachers should not make their political or social views learned by students. Because the majority parts of views bring benefits to students and young people are mature enough to distinguish between good and bad views, not to mention some specific areas requiring students to have a good command of political standpoints.

Crystal812

Feb 27, 2016

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech is leadership, progress and service - successfully demonstrated this motto it my life [2]

Hi, jhayea,

I read your paragraph, and here are some suggestions:

This one paragraph contains your working experiences, your desire to contimue study, your fitting in the school's spirit. Since I cannot see your whole essay, I suggest you to make efforts to separate this paragraph and combine those parts with your other paragraphs.

And the conclusion, it need to be strengthened. I think the college may want students to be confident and bold. So just give it a conspicuous position in your essay. Don't put it at the end of a large paragraph, then it will be ignored. Start a new paragraph to strike your interviewers.

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 27, 2016

Graduate / I'm applying for an Occupational Therapy Assistant Program and need advice on my essay so far. [2]

Hi, Jessica,

Good passage. Your structure is clear, and your language really impresses me. I know the kind of feeling, like a belief---you want to insist on something. I hope you succeed in the future.

Here, do allow me to give some suggestions:

Since you are applying for a program, I may want to see your strengths and profession knowledge. If I am a interviewer, not only will I want to know your strong desire and your objectives, but I also want to know why I should accept you.

I'm sure there will be some competitors in this application, I want you to tell me what your distinctiveness is. You can imagine that, people in this interview, they can interact with people, they want to help the disabled. If not so, why do they apply for this project? So only desire is not enough, show them what you are good at.

If this essay plays a crucial role in your application, I suggest that you should work hard and perfect it. Again, I really respect people who have beliefs and hope that your dream will come true.

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 25, 2016

Undergraduate / Self introduction essay for World friends Korea Coodinator [3]

Hi, bamba,

Here come some suggestions:

1.background
You say "That experience was really helpful to me, though it was quite hard". I am wondering why, and I want to know more about this experience. And what kind of time did you spend in Latvia?

2.character
The first paragraph is less concentrated. You want to say you have curiosity, just say it directly.

3.experiences
'Do everything I can before I die', I don't know if you are citing somebody's word. I go to Google+ and cannot find this kind of expression. I love a song called "chandelier". There is a lyric. I guess it's better for you to say "you are gonna to live like tomorrow doesn't exist".

--------------------------------------------------------------

1. Background

Since I was twenty years old, I lived in Busan, the second biggest city in Korea, for my bachelor ...
... went to Senegal as a volunteer through KOICA (???what is this).
After that, I returned to Korea and university (why "return"? Fatick is in Korea, right?).

... my little dream which is studying in foreign country came true.

2. Character

For this reason it is hard to get some playthings for me. So a globe and a soccer ...
I naturally wanted to know and was curious about [...] turning the globe every day.

... I realized that I can do everything if I do my best because looking at myself who accomplish the apparently impossible (?????).

3. Experiences

So I have tried to experience new things and I will.

But the (most) important thing was that ...
Latvia is a member of European Union ...
... Georgia and students from entire European countries.

4. Motive & Ambition

... living happy day in severe condition made me ashamed (why?)
I want to make the world better place to live in . I don't know if I can change the world after decades ~~later~~ but I would [...] help developing countries and make the world a better place.

Crystal812

Feb 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / Students should pay attention to both communication and knowledge due to be successful in future job [3]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of competitive job market in society. Due to the great decreasing economy, it is very difficult to find a good job nowadays. To looking for a desirable and successful job, I believe that both social skills and knowledge are important for us because of demands and requirements of companies. Those companies in the labor market have a comprehensive system of selecting good interviewees.

First of all, studying hard and getting great academic achievements are crucial for obtaining a desirable job. As we all know, before face-to-face meeting intervierers, administor departments will recieve a large number of materials from graduate students. Maybe individuals can show their strengths of communication and relationships by saying that they join social clubs in school, however, companies need something specific and concrete to assess their interviewees. They pay more attention to their background knowledge, standard ability of language, academic achievements in campus. So not until people show other advantages, some of them have been excluded.

Furthermore, the ability to relate well to people is as important as studying hard in school. When they pass the first stage of selection, they are required to be faced with interviewers in their meeting rooms. At that time, there will be perhaps three or five leaders to ask them a variety of questions. If they are not good at interpersonal skills or behave nervouly during the process, they will leave bad impressions on managers and will be excluded in the second stage. Therefore, students lacking social skills cannot get successful jobs in the labor market as well.

All in all, I believe that students should pay attention to both communication and knowledge due to the comprehensive selecting system of companies. The more preparations they do, the more likely they are able to get good work in the future, no matter how competitive the market is.

Crystal812

Feb 24, 2016

Undergraduate / Statement of Intent for a Transfer Application - My Interest in Japan [2]

Hi, Grant,

From your application, I know that you really want to transfer to major in areas about Japan. Do allow me to give some suggestions:

1.Since the essay requires 200 words, it is very short and you have limited room. So you really need to concentrate well. Every detail should be related to your major. I am quite confused about which specific part you want to study---- language, culture, history, food, people or literature? Now, I'm afraid that your passage seems kind of obscure. Strike your audience by just telling them directly. The interviewers do not have time to search or guess.

2.In the first paragraph, you use more than 50 words to introduce your initial interest in Japan. However, I believe it is not necessary and it's too long. Concentrate! Refine your language. It is not as important as other items of your statement, therefore you can completely use one sentence and make more room for other parts. To make it concise, every espect cannot occupy space more than one complete sentence in your passage, unless it is very essential.

3.Give something professional. You may want to give them an impression of a knowledgeable person. Then give an example. I'm not sure whether you have a good command of UF's projects or curriculum or professors. How about going to their website to find out if you are good at it. Maybe you actually do well in a particular area just meeting their demands. Sometimes, you can use a simple example to display the depth of your knowledge imperceptably. For instance, Japanese' respect for The Chrysanthemum.

4.The final part, I know a lot of people go to teach English in Japan, all over the world. What is your distinguishing feature? And as we all know, Japanese are really good at learning from Western culture. The more advanced the country is, the more likely it is learned by Japanese. So I deduce that you'd better pay attention to teaching English language itself. Do you have more understanding about their real problems? Grammer, spelling or pronounciation? Do a quick research online, and learn that if there have been some particular problems. Adding this sort of details will make your objective more convincing.

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / Recruitment process of Language teachers in Ontario; French teaching staff more popular than English [3]

the recruitment of English teachers ~~was~~ reduced significantly during the period.

was higher than ~~necessaries~~ necessity of French teachers,

both.....and...... (do not miss "and" between two items)

Crystal812

Feb 24, 2016

Writing Feedback / To be competitive and succesful in the long run you need take a risk - TOEFL [5]

Hi, Linda,

I don't know if it is a habit, however, I have never seen a phrase like "it is convenient doing sth.". Usually, we say "it is convenient (for sb.)to do sth.". I go to google+ and the possibility of "convenient doing" is slim. I recommend that you should make sure whether it is correct or not.

Thank you all the same!

Crystal812

Feb 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / To be competitive and succesful in the long run you need take a risk - TOEFL [5]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they know how to do well.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of economy, due to the great advancement of the Internet. A large number of people become rich and successful owing to online economy. It is convenient to get access to their customers in the market no matter how far they live away from the company. So I claim that if successful people want to maintain their advantages and positions in the competitive market, they should try something fresh rather than only doing what they know well.

Let us imagine what will happen if knowleagable people just stay in their successful zones. Thanks to sophisticated technology, information spreads quickly in the Internet world. However, it has some adverse effects to companies themselves. For example, there have been several lawsuits in the past few years between Sumsung and Apple. It is not hard to figure out the reason, which is that high-qualified technology is helpful to attract consumers and is easily copied between companies, not to mention other firms in the market. When innovation is no longer innovation, when it is copied by other corporations, it loses its distinctiveness and can only survive by lowering its price, which is harmful for the product.

On the contrary, if the businessman try to enter new areas in the market, what will happen following this improvement? With the development of society, people's demands are always changing. They need faster, stronger, higher-qualified products to make their lives more comfortable and convenient. Being the first one in the market will be of great assistance in occupying the market. The more new things successful individuals try, the more benefits they get. In other words, it is a great way to beat their opponents and facilitate their consumers leave old areas, because their competitors do not have creative items.

In conclusion, I believe that people doing things which they have known well cannot always succeed , because what they maintain now does not represent the great potential in the future. Only do they discover fresh items, can they be competitive in the long run.

Crystal812

Feb 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / GRE WRITING: In most professions and academic fields, imagination is more important than knowledge [3]

imagination and creativity helps in making that task easier.

without imagination, life of a person will becomes dull.

Great wall of C hina

master pieces in pure aesthetic way

Famous business empire today (subject) , are (verb) because of (conjunction)
--------This sentence is not complete

... something different, something unique to customers, built the whole ...

in ~~thier~~ their particular field

have built a company that is spreads across boundaries

Crystal812

Feb 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - checking more news resources lead to more truthful, less prejudiced and a faster information [7]

Thank you so much.

To be honest, I don't know the exact meaning of "well-informed" when I was writing. I tried to use one APP in my cellphone to remember words, however, I had never seen "well-informed" before. Since it was a practice test, I could not look it up in a dictionary. I am afraid of guessing wrong or misunderstanding, so I just repeat it again and again. Thanks to your help, I learned some paraphrases today.

About the way of listing paragraphs, I have some confusions. A few passages ago, I wrote "first of all"/"in addition"/"moreover"/"furthermore"/"last but not least"......Somebody else told me that I should use "firstly"/"secondly"/"lastly", so I changed. Is it better to use other expressions? Should I resume my old habits? I am looking forward to your reply.

Have a nice day!

Crystal812

Feb 23, 2016

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - checking more news resources lead to more truthful, less prejudiced and a faster information [7]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In order to be well-informed, a person must get information from many different news resources.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of social media due to the great advancement of the Internet. I claim that a person must get information from many various news resources to be well-informed, because it is more likely for us to get access to true information with less bias faster than people who have only one resources.

Firstly, having more resources can increase the rate of getting true information. As we all know, people are inclined to have different perspecitves to one object, not to mention experienced news journalists. Take a car accident as an example: some journalists report information which is favorable for drivers, while others defend for victims. As a result, the public are exposed to a more comprehensive horizon. So, I believe that we should learn from more resources, in order to be well-informed.

Secondly, it is hard to doubt that sometimes journalists maintain stereotypes to different groups of people. Journalists, who have capacity to influence individuals in society, can hardly avoid prejudice. For example, some reporters tend to give juicy gossip of celebrities to create bad impressions of them , because they don't believe that these famous stars behave well in their daily lives. They are facilitated to chase after celebrities to obtain harmful news, which will also lead audiences to make wrong judgements. More resources can drive us to judge by ourselves not by bias and we can be well-informed.

Last but not least, more resources means that we have more oppotunities to get information quickly and conveniently. Those social media and their journalists are located in different regions in the country. Due to various geographic locations, some of media can arrive at spots faster than others, so they can report earlier as well. I states that speed is crucial for us to become well-informed.

In conclusion, we should get access to more resources in order to become well-informed, because more news resources lead to more truth, less prejudice and a faster speed to get news.

Crystal812

Feb 23, 2016

Undergraduate / What are the core skills and knowledge you hope to acquire by completing a degree in this major [4]

Well, nice passage.

I agree with the message above, that you should make paragraphs more specific. And I would like to recommend that you should show your study abiilty in the first part. The university will provide you with some useful skills and knowledge. You need to add something showing that you learn from them and apply these when you graduate. The learning process is always an interacting activity. Show them you have the potential and motivations.

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 22, 2016

Scholarship / "Just an Expert in Language is not Enough" - Essay for Korean Scholarship [4]

Hi, Riris,

I would like to say "great passage", however, I have a little hint / suggestion for you here. Compared with the working and social part, I think your academic part is a little bit weak in convinction. Although it is important to show your broad study background and interest, you are supposed to give some details showing profound and deep knowledge in your major area----make it professional.

I don't know whether you will absorb my little advice, anyway, good luck!

Crystal812

Feb 22, 2016

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign language is an important foundation for the future - preparing for the entrace exam [4]

language is that connects people. (It seems that you lose a conjuntion in the sentence)

that knows one foreign laguage means human find it easier (if you want a verb to be a subject, use the -ing form)

run the word (I can not understand what you want to express. Is it a spelling mistake? I guess you want to say "world" not "word")

Crystal812

Feb 20, 2016

Writing Feedback / Most kids have access to fundamental education and opportunities to communicate with teachers; Toefl [8]

By the way, I happen to major in Political Science and have a good command of philosophy. I have read up to 20 books in this area. Plato, Aristotle, Cicero, Thomas Aquinas, Thomas Hobbes, John Locke, Jacques Rousseau, John Stuart Mill, Jeremy Bentham, Thomas Paine, John Rawls, Isaiah Berlin, Herbert Marcuse, Hannah Arendt, Robert Nozick and Friedrich HayeK. In their books and theories, there are different kinds of logic, some of them may be contradictory. But I know what is logic.

And according to my knowledge, TOEFL is a language test, not a moral judgement. It requires students to know the language well, make perfect sentence structures and do well in grammer. They do not ask us to make an ethical judgement. I believe that, even though the teacher who correct the essay does not agree with my standpoint, as long as I make it logical and fluently, I just fulfill the task. To be objective, they should not be influenced by their own moral ideology. This test is "Value Free".

I, who do not argue for friends in this passage, because I have only 30 minutes. Out of the time limitation, I can not write anymore. I want to practice and imitate the whole process of the test, so I do not make any modifications. Given 30 minutes, I have to make a choise: to be as comprehensive as possible, or to make strong arguments. And I choose the latter one. I can only type 300+ words in 30 minutes in an essay, and make my argument powerful. So I prefer to choose one side and defend for my standpoint. This is just my strategy handling with the test.

And it occurs to me that, you mentioned that we can learn from our friends, in that sense, they are our teachers. However, if we focus on the statement given by the test, we will find that, the subject is "students". We, human, have an inclination to regard parents as teachers, or friends as teachers. But from the rhetoric view, we do not regard ourselves as "students" in this process. Just imagine, in daily life, you ask your friends a question, will you say "I am your student now, start teaching me", or will you have the feeling that "I am a student of his/her" during the process. I am afraid not. If we investigate deeply, we will see that, the "friends are teachers" thing is not appropriate to the original statement, which can not be cited to be a point or evidence here.

Crystal812

Feb 20, 2016

Writing Feedback / Most kids have access to fundamental education and opportunities to communicate with teachers; Toefl [8]

Hi, Subhasis,

First of all, I' d like to thank you for your kind suggestions.

According to your message, maybe for you, friends are people who are knowledgable and you can learn a lot of experiences from them. For me, I believe that teachers are more influencing and more important than my friends are.

Since this is a TOEFL task, the question is open: "Do you agree or disagree the following statement: Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends".

I want to say teachers are more influencing, and this is what I believe firmly. I am wondering whether I missed something important. Influence does not have to be healthy influence or free influence, right? You have so many sorts or influence, like good influence, effective influence or forcing influence, adverse influence. In this practice test, I am just giving examples coming from my real life to show that teachers are more influencing than friends. And please concentrate, the subject of this sentence is "students", a social role in society.

Hey, I live in China, and I don't know if you have any idea about education here, but if you want to know it, I suggest you a documentory about Chinese education---"Are Our Kids Tough Enough? Chinese School". A group of Chinese teachers are invited to England to instruct students there. Chidren have to get up early to do exercise for the sake of having a healthy body for studying. And then, they learn in the whole morning and in the whole afternoon. At night, they need to resume studying in campus to accomplish their homework. At the very beginning, students hate those tough teachers, but the results turn out great at the end. I would like to say they are much more fortunate than us. The true conditon in China is more frigid than what the movie shows.

I am afraid you are not able to deny such a way of living in this country, just because you don't know its existence. Do you think 8-hour time is short? But have you noticed that people in this world have only 24 hours per day, and they have to sleep for 8 hours every day, how much time do we have which is left for us own? AND we need to eat for 3 hours in addition. Now can you still say teachers' influence is not big on students? You cannot assess that my passage is not convincing, because this kind of life is tough and irational. It does exist. What I am doing here is just telling the truth.

Most of my friends, if I want to have fun, I will spend time with them, but not for so long. Students here, even in college, need to pay attention to their academic achievements, scholarships and their internships. And the senior need to make strenuous efforts to find a good job or prepare for "The National Entrance Examination for Postgraduate", which is 10 times harder than Advanced Math,or SAT. As most of our time was occupied by study and part-time jobs, friends are less influencing, not to mention time with our parents and family. Friends are just a small part in our lives. Faced with great pressure from competitive society, we really need to struggle for our lives. This, is the cruel facts which we are facing. We have no choice.

If today, I am asked what kind of life that I prefer to live, I would like to say, I want to enjoy sparing time with my friends, I want to travel around the world, and I want to do things which I really like. But now, I am just giving true life experiences in my life. This is it.

Still, thank you for your advice. Have a nice day!

Crystal812

Feb 20, 2016

Writing Feedback / Most kids have access to fundamental education and opportunities to communicate with teachers; Toefl [8]

(TOEFL) Students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends.

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of education all over the world, as a result, most kids can get access to fundamental education and have oppotunities to communicate with teachers. Nowadays, students have to study for more than 8 hours every day in classrooms and have to learn knowledge from their teachers following their directives, so I claim that students are more infuenced by their teachers than by their friends.

Firstly, young children are playing an important role in society----students. The major reason of going to schools is learning knowledge and teachers are the only people who can teach students what they really want in campus, which affects kids' academic achievements and social behaviors. In terms of teaching and studying, I argue that teachers have more important effects on students than their friends do.

Secondly, owing to the great pressure from competitive society, students are required to stay in schools for longer hours than before. In China, in order to get perfect academic performance, parents send their children to live in schools and students can only return home on weekends. This action facilitates teachers' influences on students, because kids are almost under teachers' control for 24 hours.

Last but not least, teachers are more authoritative than friends. Enfranchised by schools, teachers can give young children orders during education. Due to a tremendous amount of educational practice, teachers are very experienced and have effective methods to manage students, so kids should obey their orders to grow better. When it comes to friends, students can absorb or ignore their suggestions; on the contrary, they are forced to listen to teachers' advice.

In conclusion, I believe that students are more influenced by their teachers than by their friends, because they need to study knowledge from their teachers for long time in campus and should obey their authoritative orders to grow better in the future.

Crystal812

Feb 20, 2016

Scholarship / A MSc Finance Scholarship Essay on Home Country - Kenya Benefit [2]

Hi, Musila,

Great try. But to be honest, I just read another application for this scholarship in this forum, and I am afraid that you really need to make more efforts to improve your essay.

Sometimes, you need little skills to make the content vivid. For example, when you talk about the financial challenges, could you give some statistical analysis or data? Try to make it convincing and professional.

And when it comes to profession, a great application should show the interviewers your strengths and specific skills. You want to major in economics or something else. Show them you are quite good at it and you have potentials in the future. So they will "invest" in your education.

In addition, I am confused about your objectives-----the culture and music one. If you want to state that, I think you'd better give more reasons and details. What is the underlying connection among culture, music, scholarship, financial education and country's development ?

I'm not sure whether these suggestions can be helpful. Anyway,wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 20, 2016

Scholarship / Benefits to home country for application for a commonwealth shared scholarship [3]

Hi, inok,

I am totally moved by your essay. I believe you will fulfill your dream in the future.

However, I have a little suggestion. Regarding the leadership part, people tend to connect to group work in the mind, those associations and collaborations. How about giving more details in this aspect to perfect the passage?

Wish you success!

Crystal812

Feb 19, 2016

Writing Feedback / False, deceptive advertising - strategies to deceive consumers [2]

(TOEFL) Most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are

Within the last few generations, there has been an precendented development of advertising strategies. In advertisements, companies use a variety of techniques to perfect their products and facilitate people's purchasing. They take advantage of colorful light, attractive celebrities and complex scientific concepts to fool consumers in the market.

Firstly, using great artificial light is a crucial method to make products look fascinating. I remember at the beginning of the year, a lot of people discuss online whether the dress is white and gold, or black and blue. It indicates the physical principle that products' colors can be influenced by the light. I bet everyone has experiences, that advertisements online showing beautiful colors of items mislead people to buy something regretfully. What they get in their hands have totally different colors due to the effect of light.

Secondly, companies are more likely to hire celebrities to show their products and render them to boast their items in ads. For example, a pair of sneakers endorsed by a race champion may be more appealing than those without celebrities. No matter whether they are useful or not, people believe that those shoes can contribute to speed and convenience.

Last but not least, advertisements make consumers confused by using scientific concepts. For instance, according to the FDA, a colossal number of beverages are sold for lack of fat, and they make individuals believe that they can lose weight by drinking them . However, those merchants do not tell their consumers in ads that, the sugar in it exceeds the regular standard, which is very unhealthy for people.

In conclution, most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are, by the means of artificial light, attrative celebrities and professional concepts. As a result, we should pay attention to details of products and we ought to be alert to those overstatements created by merchants.

Crystal812

Feb 19, 2016

Writing Feedback / Task 2: high attention of either digital or printed media in the lives of extraordinary people [4]

Hi, mita, good passage structure. Do allow me to give some suggestions.

(1) After a clause, you may not want to use V-ing.
(2) I am not sure whether it is appropriate to say "give focus on". As usual, people use "focus on". "focus" itself can be a verb. Try to make the sentence simple.

(3)If you want to express how people think about something, what about using the phrase "perception about..." Someone in the forum taught me before, I like it and adopt it.

(4)Pay attention to plural and singular nouns.

Best wishes!

Crystal812

Feb 18, 2016

Graduate / Is university education an universal right? It is not a standard route for our knowledge, profession [2]

Hi, Chini.

Great passage.

However there are several spelling mistakes. It also happens to me when I feel nervous. So I recommend you pay attention to it.

I am not sure whether you can use "high" to describe "number". As far as I am concerned, we use "a large number" often. Maybe it's better to say "the number of people who go to university is larger than ..................."

Best wishes!

Crystal812

Feb 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / Tour guides travel - places full of people and time limitations [2]

(TOEFL) Agree or disagree: The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of people's perception about traveling. Just in 2015, there were millions of visitors going to foreign countries for fun. There are usually two ways chosen: traveling in a group led by a guide or just by oneself. I disagree with the statement that the best way to travel is in a group by a tour guide, because tour guides always lead visitors to places full of people and there are time limitations, not to mention tour guides who persuade visitors to buy goods during the trip.

First, tour guides always pay attention to places of interests, which are famous for their characteristic scenery. However, these places are so well-known that they are allways filled with a tremendous amount of tourists. Sometimes, as a visitor, I am not sure whether I am looking at the scenes or the people. With a lot of visitors, I cannot even feature the scenery completly when the picture is taken.

Next, due to responsibility, tour guides are afraid of losing tourists and it is hard to manage a large group of people, so they just give tourists little time at every spot, like an hour, which is not sufficient at all. After tourists arrive at a spot, they need time to appreciate the spectacular scenes, communicate with other individuals and take pictures in memory of the trip. How could they possibly fulfill these desires in such a short period?

Last, it is difficult to deny that there are some tour guides who persuade their tourists to buy things during the trip again and again. And maybe because of group effects, visitors are more likely to buy "souvenirs" when they are faced with others' purchasing and shopping. As a result, tour guides will get feedbacks from shopping malls or companies, and visitors return home with useless goods.

In conclusion, I believe that it is not the best way to travel with a group of people led by a tour guide, which will bring tourists problems of crowds, time limitations and unwilling purchasing.

Crystal812

Feb 18, 2016

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Thank you for your advice. Finally, I got someone who really understand my trouble. Sometimes, I felt so frustrated when they just posted some frigid criticism, I made corrections and believed that I got what they want. But next time, I follow the suggestion , there will be another piece of post saying the opposite thing. So I lost my direction,I don't know what to do. God bless you. I will try harder.

Crystal812

Feb 17, 2016

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

I wrote other essays before this passage. At first, I used examples in my daily life, however, they gave me suggestions that I shouldn't. They said that, " personal experience doesn't always imply to others". After seeing that, I am afraid to use examples. Maybe it's culture shock. When I post something happening in my life, which is common in my country, the audience doesn't believe it. Then I don't know what to do. There is only half a month left before the test.

Crystal812

Feb 17, 2016

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Hi.

Thank you so much.

The "verbose" problem, yeah, I have recognized it. However, I am totally struggling to fulfill the task. It is said that a valid response should be at least 300 words in TOEFL, not to mention getting a "GOOD" in the test . ( "GOOD" is equal to "A" level) Sometimes I tried to simplify the passage, but failed and the teacher told me I should write as more complex sentences as possible. Do you have any good suggestions about accomplishing writing 300 words with simple language? I really have trouble in it. Please help me.

The "premature" paragraph → I want to say that young children are innocent, cute and pure. They should not worry about money too early. Isn't it bored to calculate and pay the bills? Their world should be filled with toys, cartoons and fairy tiles. All of them are not related to the realistic world----the adults' world full of pressure. It's just some kind of stereotype. Should I make the idea clearer----give more details?

Take care. I am looking forward to your reply soon.

Crystal812

Feb 16, 2016

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Thank you.

I have always been confused about several questions during the process of writing. I hope that you could help me out.

1. I am not sure the difference between "in society" and "in the society" .
Is "in society" more general than "in the society", which refers to "human society"?

2.I still have trouble in distinguishing "when" and "while".

3.I read some papers and book reviews downloaded from JSTOR recently. They are about feminism and are written by Americans. When the authors wanted to show the contrary, they tended to use the phrase "by contrast". I have read the phrase for at least ten times. Is it improper or inaccurate? Are you sure that the phrase could only be used to describe color?

4.Is it correct to say "the reason why...... is that......" ? Or "the reason why........is because......." ?
When I help with other people here, I find that some of them use the latter one.
"because" (conj.) The reason why.......(subject) + is （verb）+ ".................".clause -(object)
Can a clause start with the conjunction "because"?

5.Is it correct to use "at young age"? Or "at a young age"? Even the phrase "at young age" is given by the TSK itself, I am wondering, if there is an "an" in "at an early age", why isn't there an "a" in "at young age" ? Or just most people's habits?

I really appreciate it if you could help solve my problems. Look forward to your reply.

Crystal812

Feb 15, 2016

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

TOEFL: Children should not learn to manage their own money at young age.

Within the last few decades, there has been an unprecedented development of people's perception of living in society, which results in the drastic changes of managing money in daily life. Admittedly, cultivating young people to manage money at an early age is favorable for the sense of responsibility, however, compared with the disadvantages, I disagree with the statement that young people should learn to manage their money at young age from three perspectives: irreasonability, temptations outside and premature worldview.

First of all, children are too young to manage their money, since they are irreasonable to deal with financial problems. At early age, kids are not aware how crucial money could be, and they are more likely to spend money randomly on some useless goods. It is hard to deny that young individuals have difficulty with differentiating important things from trivial objects.

Second, kids are not immune to a variety of allure in the world, so that they cannot manage money well. Imagine the following situation: Will a child choose to save money firmly when faced with a large bar of delicious chocolate? Even adults sometimes hardly resist the appealing effect of it, not to mention young individuals. And the chocolate in the situation could be replaced by other harmful factors, such as junk food and game coins , which could do a tremendous amount of harm to young people.

Last but not least, children are supposed to enjoy the innocent moments when they are still young. It is not appropriate for kids to learn to cope with money early, which will make them premature and unnecessarily realistic in their lives. They deserve their unique happiness living in an idealistic world at young age.

In conclusion, I believe that young people should not be required to learn to deal with the financial stuff so early, by contrast, they should be taught by their parents when they are older at a proper time.

Crystal812

Feb 14, 2016

Essays / How do I write a patent claim for this? [2]

Just some advice. If I am an audience, I want to know something like these:

how you came up with this idea (show them that you originate it)

if there is any marketing demand, the prospect of the patent, (maybe convenient storage, show your product deserve an approvation)

how you complished the whole patent (the process),

some technology involved with your patent (try to make it scientific),

your uniqueness, the strength of your patent, (show your distinctiveness and innovation, make them believe nobody has done this before)

what kind of patent you want to claim ( I am not really sure about this point. I remember there are maybe two categories of patents: (1)people can change the shape or other details to make use of your patent to be their own, which is low-protective (2)the law protect your patent right much more than the former one, which is high-protective)

I don't know if this answer could help you. Anyway, wish you success!