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Posts by pebzna12
Name: Febriyani NA
Joined: May 13, 2016
Last Post: Sep 5, 2016
Threads: 13
Posts: 24  
Likes: 9
From: Indonesia
School: Indonesia University of Education

Displayed posts: 37
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pebzna12   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / How it is made - The Cement and concrete for building purposes. [4]

Hi, Mi!
Such a well-developed explanation!

However, minor error, that you have to pay a very careful attention, is still there such follows:

Overall,it can be seen that, the procedure of making cement ... >> I think the second comma is not needed there, hopefully it is just a mechanical problem or unintentionally.

Hopefully it will be helpful, Mi! Good Luck! (:
pebzna12   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / People today are more and more inclined to utilise electronic media in their social life. [5]

Hi, Ashela!
Let me share some thought of mine toward your writing..
First of all, based on my understanding, even though it is acceptable to present balance opinion to answer this kind of question, being focus to one aspect whether you are (totally) agree or not will strengthen your ideas toward the issue more.

Moreover, the bold your thesis statement below has already represented your position toward the issue that also emphasized in your conclusion.

... I think it gives more advantages (that) outweigh the negative impact if it is used wisely.

So, in my opinion, it is better to present the benefits in those body paragraphs so that your idea delivered will be stronger. And, here is the alternative thesis that you can use to modify your previous one (if you decide to focus on one aspect).

Although some people think that it has a bad impact on a private relation, I totally disagree that its drawbacks outweigh the benefits if it is used wisely.

Hopefully it will be helpful! (:
pebzna12   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Rural Education: Sophisticated Technologies or Qualified Apparatus?? [3]

In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the problem can be solved by providing more schools and teachers, while others think that the problem can be solved by providing computers and Internet access. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Education is still less accessible for kids who live in countryside societies of developing countries. Many think that providing more educational institutions as well as its educators can solve the issue. However, others believe that the availability of the latest technology such as computers and internet access will be the best solution to solve that problem. Despite of the fact that the high technology facilities are notable nowadays, I strongly believe that the role of qualified teachers and schools are more influential.

On the one hand, the necessity of computers and internet access is highly demanded in this digital era. Most of the things have been computerized including one of the sources to access knowledge which is books that have already been available in digital forms these days. Moreover, the use of those sophisticated developments is unavoidable since the fast-changing era has been coming. Thus, by providing access to such technologies considered as a supportive decision to assist those unfortunate children to get used and to catch up their positions that currently still left behind.

Conversely, there is a more critical condition that is needed to be fulfilled for them which is the access to experience the worthy education. This condition is strongly influenced by the limitation of qualified schools that provide a comprehensive educational program and supported by professionally certified teachers. They are more likely to have a more established guidance that followed by the more adequate facilities. Furthermore, providing both educational apparatus is much more meaningful in order to create a real time learning experience due to the limited access for those unlucky kids who live in remote areas.

In conclusion, even though providing computers and internet access are beneficial in this technological era, I personally convince that the role of educational institutions and educators are much more critical for children who live in rural communities in developing countries.
pebzna12   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / There has been a significant rise in the number of private cars since the past three decades [4]

Hi again, Mi!

Be careful with minor errors as follows:

It is different withfrom few years before, when people can travel convie niently.

... accustomed to use their own car to go to the office and college.

It has been proven success to practice in many cities >> to be practiced

Hopefully it will be helpful, good luck Mi! (;
pebzna12   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 2 Foreign language at elementary school [4]

Hi, Mi!

I think it either the absent of main verb or the existence of the word 'who' in the sentence below that somehow make it seems incomplete or else ambiguous for me..

People who argue that elementary school is ...

and, another one, i honestly have difficulty to understand the meaning of the following sentence, especially the italic one..

However, learning other languages in earlier ageis without untold harm towards children's development.

That's all Mi, hopefully it will be helpful! Keep writing! (;
pebzna12   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 : Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages [2]

Hi Sofi!
I think the idea is well delivered since you give relevant illustrations and or examples to support it so that you can maintain the coherence of your text that lead it to be easily understood by readers.

However, these suggestions below belong to the minor errors in your text..
in body paragraph 2
However , it should not be forgotten that ... >> it would be better if you choose another connective device such as nevertheless or meanwhile to avoid repetition with the same word below.

By using creativity, people can implement ... >> need coma
he really loves his job since it ...

Hopefully those suggestions will be helpful! (:
pebzna12   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / The transition of the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 [2]

Question:

The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050.

Answer:


The pie charts below illustrate the transition of the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy between 2000 and the projected year 2050. Overall, it is noticeable that the most dominant proportion in both years and countries is in age group of 15-59 years. However, partially, both countries show a reverse trend in each respective year.

In Yemen, the proportion of people in productive age began with 46.3%, the second after the group of age 0-14 years with 50.1% in 2000, and predicts to reach its peak at 57.3% during the 50 year-period. While, over the similar period, there will be a dramatic decrease of 20.1% for the latter group. However, the elderly will remain as the group with smallest proportion although there will increase slightly at 2.1% in 2050.

In Italy, on the contrary, despite the percentage of people age 15-59 years will steadily lead the total percentage between 2000 and 2050, the number forecasted to fall gradually until over 15% in 2050. While, the dramatic rise of about 18% will occur to elderly group over a half century. However, in this country, the group with lowest percentage over the same period is teenage-children with no more than 14.3% at most.

(203 Words)




pebzna12   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / People should be allowed to work as long as they want? Agree or disagree [6]

Hi, Adeel!
Let me share some points of your writing.

Well, actually in general I can understand your main point of your writing, but there are several things that you need to give a careful consideration, especially in punctuation (mostly the placement of comma), sentence structure, and vocabulary in order to make your idea well-delivered.

Punctuation
Aiding to this many researches conducted globally ...
Aiding to this, many researches that conducted globally have proven that age cannot limit the thirst to work and can be quenched by working only

Sentence structure
Having said that advantages and goods of the old age [...] age with something else much more worth considering.
For me, if it is a paragraph, it need to be broken down into several sentences. While, if it is a sentence, it's way too long without clear idea.

vocabulary
People should be allowed to work without any full stop to the age.

Besides, most of your sentences consist of complex ideas that unfortunately does not arranged smoothly yet so that it makes us hard to understand the meaning.

On one hand by allowing over age people to work ...

However, above all, the main point that become fatal is that the absence of a clear introductory paragraph along with the thesis statement, which is one of the most crucial point that highlights the overall idea of our writing.

That's all things that I can share or now.
Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - In some societies, fashion is becoming more and more important [6]

Hello, Rere!
Here is my suggestions.

positive ways >> 's' is needed there because from your explanation above you focus on several points on positive effect.

This is due to they put the appearance as a paramount value in their life. >> I think the connection word 'due to' is not that appropriate there, it is better to replace it by [i]'because' .[/i]

In today society life , many people are undoubtedly spending their money for (purchasing) fashionable clothes.

In addition, some individuals even pay high cost a designer ... >> below is my alternative revision:
In addition, some individuals even pay a high cost to a designer for creating a splendid dress which fits their body. That dress commonly wore for certain events such as wedding party and ceremony (what kind of ceremony? or do you mean celebration?) .

Thus, it is unquestionably true that choosing the best clothe(I think if you refer this word to piece that we wear, it should be 'clothes') is important for (supporting) people's appearance.

This is because they evidently comfort with their dress. >> How about make it like this:
This is because they feel comfortable with their dress

Moreover, people will be braver showing in front of many people , especially for those who work as a motivator or public figure. >> Below is my example:

Moreover, people will gain more confidence to appear in public, especially for those who work as a motivator [i](i think the relation is not clear) or public figure[/i].

As a result, people will experience their daily pursuit optimistically. >> As a result, people will experience their daily life optimistically.

In conclusion, fashion becomes more important in today's world. Wearing the best ...
In conclusion, fashion becomes more important in this world today. Wearing the best clothes in any occasion gaining possibility to improve the confidence level. Therefore, fashion becomes a positive development to foster people's personality.
pebzna12   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Nature vs Nurture in Sharping People' Personalities and Developments [2]

Question:
Research indicates that the characteristic we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?

Answer:


According to the research, one personalities and growths are determined by the innate characteristic instead of the experience that they went through their entire life time. Even though the research indicates that fact, I personally consider that the influence of experience plays a bigger proportion in sharping their personalities and development.

Naturally, people were born with carrying certain personalities that they inherited genetically from their parents. Those personalities mostly appear in physical traits such as how do they look like. Yet, some of them also reflected through their behaviors. For instance, a child looks alike to her mother, but inherited her father's height and complexion. Another example, the descendant of parents who have sense of arts will have artistic abilities too. However, their inherited characteristic will be the basic form of their natural behavior that will last for their whole life. Although this kind of personality is unavoidable, they can still be fully developed by the time.

Experience, on the other hand, is believed as something that will nurture the development of innate personalities. Experience relates to several factors: cultural, social, and situational. Cultural deals with family and tradition; social connects to interaction within communities; and situational relates to certain circumstances. To illustrate, a kid has no appetite to consume any sea food because his mother never served it in their dining table; a teenager who develop his empathy or even turn out to be ignorant after interacting with group of people in society; and a person who becomes knowledgeable not because they parents were genius but that is the result of her affection of reading ton of books. Thus, those factors are crucial in influencing the development of ones' behavior.

In brief, while it had been proven that intrinsic factor is crucial in determining people's personalities and developments, experiences play the essential role in sharpen those aspects significantly. Therefore, people should aware of their born characteristics and choose wisely the most suitable environment to develop them in order to sharpen their personalities.

(370 Words)
pebzna12   
May 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Foreign language study by children in the first education level is more effective than in second [3]

Hi, Ilmi!
Let me share my points with you.

First of all, for your thesis statement.

While some educationalists recommended it, I believe that the drawbacks ...

Here is my recommendation:

While some educationalist agreed that to start studying another language at elementary school is more beneficial for students, I believe that the drawbacks outnumber its benefits.

And for your last conclusion:

... I believe that children will receive many more drawbacks absolutely . Therefore, introducing children to ...

My recommendation as below:

In conclusion, it had been proven that despite studying foreign language in the primary school is beneficial, there are several drawbacks that they will face compared to begin learning it in secondary school.
pebzna12   
May 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Competitive or Cooperative? Is competition the key to survive? [3]

Question:
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both this views and give your opinion.

Answer:


Nowadays, some people believe that competition is the key to survive in this fast-phased changes era. While, others argue that cooperation will be much more helpful to mingle faster within society. Both have been discussed by people, especially by parents, since years to seek which one is better than another to be stimulated to their own kids. However, although I agree that both have their own strengths which are beneficial in particular areas for children life in the future, personally I believe that being cooperative will bring more positive impacts to the up-coming generations.

Being competitive is a natural feeling that undeniable to be owned by each individual. It can be seen from these following illustrations: children who compete to get their parents' attentions; students to gather reward points in their class; or a worker to attain promotion. People somehow do not realize that the nature of being competitive has been developed within their own selves since they were fetus. In addition, this kind of attitude is crucially required to develop for people in certain professions such as athlete and entertainer. The atmosphere of strong competitions in both areas becomes the premiere motive for their actors to sharpen their competitive spirit in order to survive or even be on top.

Meanwhile, being cooperative is the attitude that needs to be stimulated frequently since it gradually develops by the time when people transform from individual to social beings. Aristotle said that "man is by nature social animal". It means that mankind and social groups are inseparable. To live comfortably in society which characterized by a group of heterogeneity individuals, being cooperative is highly favorable as the proverb said that 'we sow what we reap'. To illustrate, people will be helped after their offering their assistance in previous time. However, cooperation consists of such actions as helping each other, working together, sharing idea, and many group activities that are all practical for future life of the youngsters.

In summary, while to compete is part of each human nature, for me it is inevitable for mankind to cooperate with other due to the matter of fact that they are social beings. Therefore, parents should stimulate both skills to their descendants in order to sharpen their abilities to deal with both individual and social tasks in the up-coming period.

(385 Words)

p.s. I think I get lost while composing this writing, and for me my ideas seem so off-topics. Need your powerful suggestions please dear people, big thanks. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Who Should Take Responsibility for Juvenile Attitude [3]

Question:
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:


Recently, the rate of juvenile violation has been increasing among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the absence of lessons toward social and emotional controls from their elderly both at home and school becomes the main trigger of that violence. Personally, I agree that parents and teachers share similar responsibilities to be a proper role-model for young generation, especially in managing their anger as well as interacting in social life.

Firstly, family, especially parents, as the closest relatives that everyone has in life plays a crucial role in shaping the juveniles' attitudes. It is also the initial primary educational institution that 'attended' by everyone with parents as the educators. When parents' roles are missing, there will be a big hole in their offspring life: an invisible gap between parents-children. This problem typically occurs to certain kinds of parents such as working or career parents; parents with mental illness; divorcing parents; abusive parents and many more. It is a very dangerous situation, especially for those who have teenager children under 18. Eighteen is the transitional phase from teenager-children into young-adult, the most critical phase for their emotional and social development. Thus, the intense bond between parents and children during that period is highly necessary. A successful parent will be reflected by the personality of their descendants because like the proverb say that 'like parents, like children'.

Similarly, school becomes the second home for teenager as they spend most of their day time there. Consequently, the teacher will automatically become their second parents at particular place: school. As 'parent', it is important for teacher to be a good role-model for their student. As educators and parents for their students, teachers are not demanded to only focus on their academic skill, but far than that they also have a big responsibility to educate them with proper ethics. Unfortunately, that very essential life skill has been gradually disappear from formal curriculum, so there is no choice for a qualified teacher to build their self-awareness to sharpen that specialized skill to their students.

To conclude, I have to agree that the roles of both parents and teachers are vital in constructing teenagers' attitude. Therefore, it is critical for parents and teachers to always be there to guide their beloved young-children, especially during their teenage life.

(379 Words)

p.s. need many improvements, so please no need to be reluctant to give me as many suggestions as needed. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Why Taking Part-time Job for Teenager are Beneficials? [3]

Question:
One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage-children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part time job.

Answer:

Many argue that taking a part-time job becomes one of the most effective ways for young adult to prepare for their future life. In addition, it is believed that parents should play the role to motivate them for doing so. Therefore, I strongly believe that it is crucial for teenagers to go through that experience of being part-time worker as preparation to welcome their upcoming life due to several reasons.

Firstly, experiencing part-time job will help the juvenile to adjust with the adulthood process. Being adult is an unavoidable matter that will be experienced by human being as the time goes by. Heading towards adulthood means possessing more responsibility that primarily indicated by working. Thus, by working earlier since their youth, people have offered the opportunities to deal with such working situations that they will encounter in the future. For example, we will introduce to such experience as how to be a good-model employee, how to handle certain works, and how to begin networking, both with colleagues and clients.

Similarly, starting to be part-time worker will help youngster to be independent economically. Working part-time will make it possible for them to earn money by their own. Although the amounts will not that much as experienced workers, still they have their own salary. Consequently, they can start providing things for themselves by using their own wealth, and stop being fully dependent in economic matter to their parents. However, having an economical independence since young age has potential risk to create a new-hedonist generation. Despite of that unwilling effect, being independent economically still provides another benefit like financial management skill that leads them to use money wisely.

To sum up, it is evident that experiencing to be an employee in such a young age will be precious for young generation in order to get ready to enter their adulthood. Therefore, it is important for people around the youngsters, especially parents, to encourage them to surpass that kind of experience.

(328 words)
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Having Enjoyable Life or Earning Much Money, Which One Do You Prefer? [2]

Question:
Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable life than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Earning a lot of money becomes less essential or some people who love to enjoy a happy life more. Meanwhile, others argue that the quality of a good life will be determined by the quantity of money that people earn through a fine job. Despite of the fact that having an enjoyable life is precious, the idea that money is not needed to provide prosperity in life is strongly deniable.

On the one hand, having a pleasant life is indeed meaningful. To live with pleasure means living under lovable and enjoyable circumstances. For instance, in terms of work, people who used to enjoy their life will find the term 'work on passion' is strongly related to them. They will seek for a job that meets their interest in order to gain satisfaction. Furthermore, they will choose occupations that provide them with a bunch of leisure time that allow them to keep doing their such favorable things as enjoying their hobbies, exercising regularly, hanging out with old friend, up-dating in social-media, traveling, and the most prominent one: having enough resting time. Consequently, as long as they can enjoy their activities while working; other factors, besides happiness and satisfaction, will be less necessary for them, including the amount of salary that they will get.

Nevertheless, it is also believed that salary plays a big role in measuring the good quality of life. Salary or money in general is the source for living. Every things need money (to buy), and people need things (to live in). So, money is the source to access people's necessity. It lies from basic needs such as food, clothes, and even living place, until secondary and tertiary ones such as personal transport, latest gadget, beauty care, holiday trip, investment, and many more. However, those things are common things needed for living. Therefore, the higher the quantity of the money that people earn is, the more qualified things that they will get, and as a result, the more prosperous their life will be.

In conclusion, it is evident that although money is not as more essential as having a complimentary life, the power of money is still crucial in order to reach a good quality of life. Therefore, people should balance their life that will make them possible to enjoy their life with using their own wealth.

(388 Words)

p.s. I realize that my writing above is way too much (words), but I have no idea how to effectively shorten them, so besides correcting its content and grammar, please also enlightening me on how to paraphrase those words to meet its ideal word counts, much thanks. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / What do you do for good health? People's awareness is rising. [3]

Hi, Yuting!
Here i want to give several suggestions to your writing.

Paragraph 1
there are more and more people (who) have the awareness of their own health
and eating natureal food
I feel these methods for several reasons >> i think it is still incomplete, missing one or two words

Paragraph 2
but also had a negative effect to mentalityor (mental condition)
I wake up and sleep at a regular time and exercised every day

Paragraph 3
A great tree will not live in a barren soli(soil) >>be careful with mechanical mistake like that
The food which I chose is(was) not natureal and (contained) high calorie.
Those foods made me become fatter and fatter. >> to be more effective sentence
There is a lot of diseases caused by a heavyweight. >> I think the additional conjunction like 'and' or 'in addition' is needed there to maintain its relation with the previous sentence.

Thus, I tried to lose my weight by eating natureal food such as vegetable
I have become a fitness body >> For me, the clause is confusing so I can't get the meaning

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Scholarship / How this summer program and cultural experience will benefit you in your line of study [3]

Hi, Kry!
Below is my suggestions.

As a scholarship student, who is studying in the one of the popular university in the northeast of Thailand. >> This sentence is confusing for me because of its incompleteness due to the missing of of verb and its main clause.

..................., I am honor to be invited to join ASEAN Network Camps which provides such a] good benefitssuch as learning ASEAN culture and cross Ea stern culture.

What's summer camps? >> What was summer camp, it need to be separated
Further more , >>furthermore, do not be separated
candidates are allowed to interact with >> it is passive right?
More over , >>again no need to be separated, moreover
this exchange culture program is arranged to impact student with more confident by leaving comfort zone and dig(I hardly understand this word) into other to meet differjavascript:paste_strinL(selektion,3,''+'0000FF'+'','','');ent people offrom different nationalities, cultures and also (who have different) the way to live and point of view.

Becoming a woman with high confidence and good communication (skills)is(are) very important for me to find my future bright(bright future) because we can't(can not) work alone in this giant world.

This helps me (to) discover something new and (it is) interesting to add on my field because life is not (only) about to studying but it also about empirical practiceing and (getting) experiences .

......who's(who has a) dream about(to) explore the world to find something that her(she) never meet before and to learn from the experiences.

After I collecting all information and I knoe w that summer program and exchange culture would give me (chances/opportunities) to fulfill my potential and would help me to achieve a goal to be a bilingual expert of my job. >> actually to me this sentence seems too crowded with ideas / information, but unfortunately I can not find the main verb of the sentence.

Now, (comma is needed) I am ready for it and no matter ...
I hope you will (give) a chance for me to show the world Ww ho I am.

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different views about whether children experience competitions or not to be a well-qualified adult. [2]

Hello, Ilmi!
Again, I'm going to share several points to you.

2nd Paragraph
... work harder and improve their ability forto achieved or (for achieving) a particular purpose.
It is a good method to guided them (to) become a successful person.
... compete with their classmate and (to) reach the first rank.
They have striven and sharpened their skills before attaineding success and becomeing a famous artist.
Therefore, encouraged children in the competition will guide (them) to become successful in the future. >> object 'them' is needed.

3rd Paragraph
Teamwork strives children to be an open-minded individual and able ...
peer to peer learning >> peer-to-peer learning
The implementation of this method teaches students to become more respectful and helpful to each other.

Last Paragraph
To sum up, while motivateding children in the competition is important,
I believed that cooperative skill will prepare youngsters to contribute their best and ...

Hopefully, my points above are clear and helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 2 The characteristic we are born will have many much more influence on our pers [4]

Hello Ilmi!
Let me share several things with you.

To start with, your writing in my opinion has been well-developed, you just need to be careful in some points as follows.

Paragraph 2
However, the result also shows that environment is the ...

Paragraph 3
One of the main powerful factor is family. For example , a person might be born as ... >> The phrase 'for example' is better added in the beginning of second sentence to indicate the relation with the previous sentence.

Some badly behaved children, for instance, registered to religious school ... >> Similar as the prior two sentences above that the phrase that indicates 'example' to relate to the earlier sentence is needed.

This environment could change their behavior, since they performed ... >> comma is not needed there because the sub-clause that own the conjunction 'since' is placed after the main clause.

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / These days, advertising for commercial use appears to boost the volume of sales. IELTS [4]

Hi, Ilmi!
Here are my suggestions.

Paragraph 1
A huge number of people vaying to buy such kind of brand name products. >> do you mean 'paying' or 'vying' ?

I strongly believe that most of consumers who ... >> below is my alternative:

I strongly believe that most of consumers purchase those products not be based on their primary necessities.

Paragraph 2
... displayed on the screen over the day, performed the best model to attract people. >> to keep the tense consistent
The otherAnother remarkable tools , smartphone (...) possible to promote (their online) features intensively
... with all of its good value, and the consumer will believe and decide to buy it >> here is my alternative: it has big potential to attract the consumer to buy it.

Thus, it is clear that the high rates of advertisements will shorten ... >> It is better to divide the sentence into two or if you want to maintain it in one sentence, below is my alternative:

Thus, it is clear that the high rates of advertisements will shorten the distance between consumer and company that will increase the volume of sales significantly.

Paragraph 3
The more popular some [...] do not need those primarily. >> I think it is better to combine them as below:
The popularity of certain products will affect consumer's desire to purchase them although when they are not needed.
Research found that a large number of women lured to buy absolutely precise product, such for (being) fashionable.
The commas are no needed in these two following sentences unless you put the connection in the first clause of each sentence.
The women have had the red dress already, while they desire to buy the white one.
The others purchase a new shoes, although the old ones still nice.

This paradigm reveals that womean doesn't need the feature ...

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technological advances in learning methods [3]

Hi Mal!
Here are my suggestions for your task.

1st Paragraph
I think it is better to combine these two last sentences to complete the meaning.

While such developments have a merit since it is efficient and effective learning method. I would argue that directly attend the general lecture will deliver much more benefits.

While such developments have a merit since it is efficient and effective learning method, I would argue that directly attend the general lecture will deliver much more benefits.

2nd Paragraph
On one hand, viewing lectures via internet its becomes more efficient and effective since it wasis portable to access everywhere.
self study >> self-study
Moreover, other benefits of online learning, for example, students obtain to have instant solutions towards their problems in understanding the study materials, itsis[ i] related to online learning ([i]that) provide the access to all resources of ... >> it is better to divide the sentence into two because the idea is too many so the information becomes unclear.

However, online learning cannot offer human interaction as well as at the school (university ?) where students learn how to make friends, be patient >> (in terms of what?) , and especially to compete (with others ).

3rd Paragraph
In contrast, going to class does far more than simply giving you credit for attendance . >> the meaning is not clear to me.
Class attendance haves variety of ways ...
Firstly, many students had already understand the materials whether from internet or online access, behalf attending the class >> (cannot understand the meaning) , instructor may go (...) that apprentices hasve never seen before.

... a discussion among the pupils which countered(does it has similar meaning with 'to counter'?) teacher questions to ...
... to form study groups or meet other students in related major.

5th Paragraph
In conclusion, online learning should be seen due tobecause it provides student in asuch ways ofas efficiency, effectiveness, and other merits regrading student self- study assistance. However, I would suggest that participateing in the class give (...) which not exist byin online learning.

Hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 20, 2016
Research Papers / The Problem with Polygamy in the United States [3]

Hi Catie!
Here I try to give feed backs to your writing based on my understanding.

Polygamy is the "state of marriage to many spouses" (don't forget to put full stop here)There are three different kind of polygamy

polygamy is becoming more accept >> more accetable
Polygyny is the opposite of polygyny , >> I think it must be either 'polyandry' or 'polyamory'
families are coming out of hiding >> i think an object such as [i]'it/that fact' [/i] is needed to complete the sentence in order to avoid confusion.

Most polygamous families like in Utah and some cities on the border of Arizona. >> do you mean 'live'?
In Islam it is legal.... >> in islam, (coma is needed ) it is legal
However, in the United States there is actually more men than women so it is not a need. >> However, in US, the number of men is still larger than women so that polygamy is not needed there.

Another reason polygamy is practiced is to provide... >> do you mean 'in practice' ?
Because there are so many children if the wives suffer from a lengthy post-partum depression than there is always another wife to provide(Bailey) >> I find it's hard to understand this paraphrasing sentence, and for the citation according to my understanding it needs to be completed by the year such as (Bailey, 2016) .

.....his views on marriage and Adam and Eve >> of
However sexual assault is a crime >> coma (,) needed after the word 'however'
The children are sacrificing a father >> that sentence gives me confusion.
This will leave emotional ramifications for the child Father may choose to spend more time with another wife/child. >> I think either 'full stop' or conjunction 'because' is missing there.

Polygamy does no encourage the children to get an education (Spencer). >> does not
They are to grow up and find a husband and sister-wives and have several children. >> another confusing sentence.
Flor Jessop was forced to marry he first cousin >> her

Overall, your position that opposing the theme is actually clear as well as the information that you given in your writing, but for me the problem is in your organization of idea and paragraph that make the flow of your writing is not easy to follow. Besides, you need to consider how to make a proper citation if your writing is academic.

No hard feeling yes, hopefully that will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 20, 2016
Research Papers / Essay about the roles of education in reducing juvenile delinquency. [3]

Hi, Sangho!
Let me share several things of your opening paragraph.

1) For me, the sentence below has incomplete meaning due to the missing of verb or even phrase.

One of crimes of juvenile,(is) juveniles' murder (that) accounts for almost 10 percentage of murder happening in the U.S.

2) The red colors below refers to the words that need to be revised.

They want them to be punished harsher and raise their voice to make harsher punishments came into action. >> the word 'them' if it refers to juvenile which similar with the subject 'they' should be revised into 'themselves' to avoid confusion, and the word 'came' since you use present from the beginning, it has to be 'come' in order to maintain the tense's consistency. Beside, I think the punctuation also need to be considered. My example is as below:

They want themselves to be punished harsher(coma is needed here) and raise their voices to make harsher punishments cao me into action.

3) I think you miss some words in this sentence, so I give you alternative words to add to complete the meaning in your sentence like below:

However unlike their opinions, others think that the most effective way to (overcome/deal with ) juvenile delinquency is (doing/having) prevention.

4) And here are my suggestions the rest of first paragraph.
There are several measures: making more cops in the school; making education programs to help parents make appropriate parental education on their children; curfew; direct education toward children, which educate them things related to delinquency are harmful; putting more additional education on children who need support in learning; and making recreational program which can prevent them from delinquency and give them social skills...etc >> the corrections are as follow:

more cops >> do you mean 'student cops' or another kind of cop?, if it is student you better make it specific with mentioning the 'student' there.

making >> nothing wrong, the meaning is delivered, but it is better to use the word 'creating/establishing/composing' to make it more appropriate.

make >> in making
on >> to
them things >> ...them (that) things...
and give them social skills...etc >> the(...) should be revised by coma (,), and instead of using etc , it's better to use 'and many more'.

From the research I have done, I could provethat one of prevention method , education should be implemented other than tougher punishments toward juvenile delinquents because of its numerous advantages to the juveniles themselves and social advantages in the long-term period.

Here are the corrections:

From >> according or based on
done >> conducted
that one of prevention method >> that as one of preventive methods
I could prove >> it can be proven

Lastly, here my example for your thesis statement:

According to the research that I have conducted, it can be proven that instead of giving rigorous punishments, education as one kind of methods of prevention should be implemented in overcoming juvenile delinquencies due to its advantages both for the juvenile themselves and for their social life in long-time period.

Hopefully my corrections above will be helpful. (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The percentage of kinds of transport used and the reasoning behind the use of a vehicle in Edmonton [3]

IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Transport and Car Use in Edmonton

The given chart shows the information on the percentage of kinds of transport used, and the table indicates the reasoning behind the use of car in the city by people who lives in Edmonton. Overall, it can be seen that car becomes the most favorable transport used by people in Edmonton. Why do they love to use car the most? The mobility of car to work comes up as the reason with biggest proportion for them.

By a closer look to the chart, it is noticeable that car, as the only private transportation, by far nearly dominates the preference of transport used by Edmonton people with 45%. While, the rest 55% are shared by three public transports. LRT follows in the second place with 35%, and another 20% fairly distributed to Bus and Taxi by 10% respectively.

Moreover, according to the table, 55% of people in Edmonton prefer to use car because it commutes to work. Other reasons that also have big proportion are for business and taking kids to school with 45% and 40%. However, shopping and leisure activity that shares similar proportions of 15% each become the least popular reasons for Edmonton people.

(195 Words)




pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Ratio of the Highest Education Level of Women in 1945 and 1995 [3]

The pie chart displays the ratio of highest level of education of women in someland in 1945 and 1995. Overall, it is obviously seen that there was a significant transition among the proportion of highest level of education shared in 1955 compared to in 50 years earlier, especially in the most dominant one.

By 1995, the percentage of women who attended to university level dominated the whole proportion with 50%, a highly considerable upturn of 49% compared to 1945 with only 1%. Meanwhile, in 1945, the domination of the whole percentage was fairly shared between no schooling and third grade levels with 35% each. Surprisingly, those levels of education along with 6 years education dropped drastically to hit a low of 0% in 1995.

A gradual rise also happened in post graduate level that came up with the figure at 20% in 1995 while it had 0% in 1945. And so did the level of 12 years education that rose from 4%-20% during that half century period. However, the only level that the proportion remained stable in both years (1945 and 1955) was 9 years education with 10%.

(190 words)




pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Comparison of Montly Expenditures in Australia between 1991 and 2001 [4]

The table compares the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 and 2001, a decade gap of time. Overall, the total spending for Australian family in 2001 was higher than in 1991 with other goods and services as the highest cost among others in both years although the most drastic climb happened to electricity and water in 2001.

At a closer look to the data, it can be seen than apart from clothing and transport, the cost of rest commodities were higher in 2001 rather than in 1991. While food was following non-essential goods and services as the most expensive expenditures in a month with $155-$160 and $265-$270 (in 1991-2001) respectively, a slight raise of $5 as well as housing ($95-$100) over a decade period. However, the cost for electricity and water had a drastic $45 rise in 2001 ($75-$120).

Nevertheless, the spending for clothing and transport in 2001 were lesser than in 1991. The first declined with $10 from $30 to $20 while the latter had a $25 reduction from $70 to $45 over the same period (1991-2001).

(181 words)




pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Comparison of Number of Visitors between 2 New Music Wesites [3]

The line graph illustrates the comparison of the number of visitors of two new music websites, Music Choice and Pop Parade, over a fifteen-day period. Overall, it can be seen that there is a clear domination of Pop Parade within that half month period although it once has been surpassed by another site for 2 days (12th and 13th).

The Pop Parade site has been leading by 120.000 of visitors since the first day, and keeps continuing its superiority for 11 days consecutively. However, the trend actually starts decreasing gradually until reaches a trough of 30.000 visitors in day nine before it bounces back to reach its second peak by about 150.000 visitors in the 11th day. While it has dropped again for two days in day 12-13, it backs on top and even reaches its peak with 170.000 visitors in the last day (15th).

On the contrary, the Music Choice site is less favorable since it can surpass its competitor only for two days (12th and 13th) when it is hitting a high of 120.000 visitors in day 12. However, at the day 15, the number of visitors to this site fell to be around 70.000 visitors.

(198 Words)




pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - How many people used 3 major airports in NYC during their travel? [3]

The bar chart indicates the numbers of travelers use three major airports in New York City between 1995 and 2000. Overall, LaGuardia was the airport with the most significant increase of passenger numbers over that 6-year period.

LaGuardia started with about 35 million passengers in 1995 and peaked at nearly double (70 million) in 2000. The raise of LaGuardia actually ran constantly about 5 million gap each year over 5-year period (1995-1999) from 35 to 50 million travelers. However, over the period of 1999-2000, the number inclined drastically with 20 million passengers only in a year.

Similarly, the number of people that used Newark airport increased gradually within the period of 1995-1998 from about 15 million to above 50 million passengers, and since henceforth it remained in similar number steadily. By contrast, the amounts of people who flight through John F. Kennedy airport during that half dozen year period were fluctuative. It rose from 20s million travellers before (1995) and fell to 30s million travelers after (1997) hitting a high at almost 50 million passengers in 1997. However, there was a 10% rise in this airport in the latest year period.

(191 Words)




pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 2: Obesity is a major health problem in the world [3]

Hi, Maya, I find that your writing has been well delivered in terms of the structures, the grammar, everything is good in over all. But if I am allowed to give suggestion I think giving connector words in the beginning of each paragraph of your writing will strengthen your cohesive and coherent. (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Essays / Why reducing stress is very essential? To concentrate on your work or school, or enjoy your life [3]

Hello Nazifa!

Here I try to give you option to the idea of your essay in ''the important of reducing stress"

Nowadays, stress has become of of the most common problems, especially for people who live in big cities where their life tend to rush, suffer from pollution, trap in a long period traffic and many other stressful activities. If we can prevent our self from that stress, it will be dangerous for our life because stress not only affect our physic but also our mind. Therefore, reducing stress is essential due to several reasons.

Firstly, getting rid of stress help us to improve our concentration so we can present a better performance in our work/task that will help us to gain a better achievement. ......................... (Support Sentences)

Secondly, stress that is being reduced will give us bigger opportunity in enjoying our life because without stress our mind and body will be much healthier. .............................. (Supporting Sentences)

To conclude, it is very necessary for us to free ourselves from stress in order to gain a better focus in doing things in our daily life and to run our activities with pleasure.

Hopefully, that will help you (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays computers are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes... [4]

Hello, Max!

Hopefully you are allowed me to give some suggestions to your writing.

Basically, I have no problem with the idea and the organization of you writing, even I think it is already well-delivered. However, there are some minor problems that I still find in your writing.

"Today we become addicted too much to computer technologies; this is the reason why, one day, will discover ourselves controlled by them." >> I think you miss the subject in the last clause (we will discover ourselves controlled by them)

And another one your closing sentence in the last paragraph quite confusing for me. Maybe it is better if you elaborate it more so the meaning will be clearer.

"However, if it happens, we must remain the dominant part of the computer system ."

It will be nice if this will be helpful (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Research Papers / Why We Love Scary Stories - Research Paper/Rough Draft [3]

Hi, Nicole! Nice to have an overview toward the scary stories through your writing. Here I just want to share a little thing with you. Based on my understanding of research paper theme which has strong relation with academic writing, it is better to add the list of the references alphabetically in the end of your writing.

Below is the example..
Carroll, ... 1990. (Book/Source Title) . Publisher/Website .
Joyce, ...1911. (Book/Source Title) . Publisher/Website .
Worland, ... 2006. (Book/Source Title) . Publisher/Website .

Hopefully that will be helpful (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - A hundred years ago, people thought that the human race was steadily improving [5]

Hi Rere, I think your idea has been developed well and understandable. I just suggest you to do a little revision in the sentences below.

Furthermore, the facilities provided in the villages are less usable in compared to the schools in the cities.
It is okay already, but I think it will give more emphasis if you use another term..

Hence, it is clear that the human right needs to be improved, therefore reducing(in order to reduce) the gap among social groups.
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Disadvantage of working until late and then sleep very late night. [2]

Hi Kritsada, let me share my suggestions to your writing here..
Firstly, I appreciate your idea that has been developed well in your writing. You also has created your writing in the proper pattern. However, there are several grammatical problems in your writing that have potential to misconception.

Here are the examples for paragraph 2..

"For(In terms of) relationship, If they working on a timetable, they will have an enough time for (to) spending with others."

If people get up later and then work until late at night; It will decrease a(their) chancesfor interaction(to interact) with their family and their friends, so they will working alone. It makes a wider gaps with other people, their social skills (will) also dropped .

Finally, at worst case, they may be lose someone, who mostly cares about themselves.

Hopefully my suggestions will be helpful (:
pebzna12   
May 15, 2016
Research Papers / The mind power of music: how can we use it to make a better living for ourselves [4]

Hi Dante!
Let me share my understanding toward research paper.
I think the information you share are all important but for me the problem is in your paragraph structure and the way you put the citation. It is because research paper is highly related to academic writing that has its particular regulation. So, beside developing the idea, the pattern of the writing it self need to be considered as well in order to reach its academic purpose.

Hopefully, it is quite helpful (:
pebzna12   
May 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Proportion of Tourists Visited Four Different Attractions in Brighton [2]

Hello guys, here is my very first post in this site. Your strong feedback will be very helpful for revising my writing, so please don't be hesitant to give it a bunch for me. Thanks a lot in advance.

Description:

The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton.

Answer:

The line graph demonstrates the proportion of visitors who came to England to enjoy four distinctive attractions in Brighton during a thirty-year period between 1980 and 2010. Overall, the trend tended to differ for each attraction during the same period. While pavilion became the most favorable attraction to be visited in the past two decades (1990-2010), the least popular show had changed from pier (1980) to art gallery (2010).

Pavilion rose considerably from merely 25% in 1980 until hit a high of almost double (50%) in 1995. Yet, since henceforth, the percentage had fallen gradually to 30% in 2010 although it still at top. However, the festival that peaked at 30% in 1980 decreased slightly until 25% in 1995 before remaining stable at about 28% in the latest decade (2000-2010).

Meanwhile, pier and art gallery were exchanging position as the least favorable between 1980 and 2010. Both shared about 10% gap over the first two decades (1980-2000) and the last five year-period (2005-2010) before leveled in 2005 with 15% each. Interestingly, both had significant transition in different way. While pier inclined from 10% to above 20%, art gallery dropped dramatically from above 20+% to 10-% in those three decades (1980-2010).

(200 words)




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