Writing Feedback / IELTS"Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet" [3]

You are being provided with a difference of opinion. It is not good to refer to this as an argument as there is no scenario that indicates a debate as ongoing. Rather, there are only people presenting differing beliefs and ideas. This presentation most certainly does not qualify as a debate but rather a "discussion" or "opposing beliefs." This is not an extent essay either so a simple agreement or disagreement with the given presentation would have been enough. Always follow the instructions as provided, do not exaggerate your statements or your responses as these will tend to alter the presentation from the original prompt and create prompt deviations on your part, which could lead to a failing TA score.

The second paragraph is a prompt deviation. There is no representation in your restatement that the effects of a non-vegetarian should be discussed in some way. Therefore, this presentation will not be considered by the examiner in scoring your presentation. As such, the second reasoning paragraph word count will be deducted from your overall presentation count. That means, the essay will automatically be less than 250 words, thus ensuring that the essay will not be able to achieve a passing score due to several other problems that exist in the presentation, along with the irrelevant discussion deduction.

Writing Feedback / Writing 1: The line shows the percentage of tourists to Scotland who visited Edinburgh attractions [2]

You have several spelling errors in the presentation that show a lack of proof reading for this paper. You failed to properly examine your draft for possible errors that, if corrected would have improved your GRA and LR scores individually for a higher overall score. Information accuracy is important in the Task 1 presentation. That does not refer only to the numbers presented, but the other information provided as well, including the location source for the information.

The comparison presentation is acceptable as it presents the immediate information that the eyes could see. However, there were overlapping years for the information that were not part of your presentation. An overlap is where the lines intersect, indicating an equal count for that period for the information provided. Such analysis presentation would have shown a true comparison presentation that would have helped your individual TA score and could have boosted the final overall score.

Writing Feedback / Many claim that the important factor in sport is physical strength; however, the opponents disagree [2]

The essay instructions requires a 4 paragraph comparison discussion with your personal opinion presented. Your approach to the writing did not consider the public reasons for the 2 points of view. These are presented only in a general discussion format, which does not differentiate between the public and your personal opinion. So the format for the response is incorrect. It is important to be clear about how you are creating your opinion, based on the public discussion. So you can try using the following, clearer format next time:

Reason 1:
Sentence 1: The public believes that...
Sentence 2: They base this belief on the publicly known explanation that....
Sentence 3: However, I oppose this point of view.
Sentence 4: I believe otherwise because....
Sentence 5: Hence my non-support for this opinion

Reason 2:
Sentence 1: The other opinion is that...
Sentence 2: This is based on the reason that...
Sentence 3: I support this point of view.
Sentence 4: My support comes from...
Sentence 5: This is why I believe this opinion is correct.

The approach above is only an example of how you can more clearly represent both discussion points in every reasoning paragraph. You can create variations of the response depending upon how you would want to frame your response. Mine is only a suggested writing approach.

Writing Feedback / IETLS Writing Task 2 | Effects of negative reporting on individuals and society [3]

The thesis statement is just missing the topic outline for the discussion to be considered a completely informative summary of the upcoming discussion. That is a small oversight on your part that, although it does have an effect on the clarity of your opinion, will not result in a marked scoring down for yourself. You were able to explain your point of view clearly in both reasoning paragraphs. However, a more effective presentation for paragraph 2 would have been to discuss what the effects of the negative news in the previous paragraph was. If you had stuck to the Coronavirus discussion in the next paragraph, you would have created a highly cohesive and coherent series of reasoning paragraphs. Clearly showing that you have the ability to extensively discuss the same topic, based on different topic considerations. The result would have been a higher TA and C&C score individually, and a higher overall score at the end.

The concluding paragraph contains additional new information about how you believe the media should play a proactive role. Since this is not included as a discussion point in the original prompt, this additional opinion should not have been presented as it created 2 errors in your concluding presentation:

- An unrequired opinion that was not properly explained and developed
- An open ended essay that does not properly summarize the previous paragraph presentations.

Therefore, the concluding paragraph has a tendency to pull down your final score.

Scholarship / Motivation, small & medium - sized enterprises - GKS Personal Statement Business Administration [4]

Kindly review the prompt requirements for the GKS-G applicants as provided in your application packet. There are specific instructions for writing the personal statement that you should represent in your response. This first paragraph does not truly aply itself to any of the new personal statement requirements. It would be best for you to delete this paragraph and develop a new response. Consider the writing requirements and address those in your statement. I cannot give you any advice on how to improve your personal statement at the moment because you have not written a complete draft response at this point. I can only help you once I have read your overall response. This piece of writing does not tell me anything I need to know in relation to the required prompt writing instructions. You can post a new thread, do not add to this thread, once you have completed an appropriate draft of your response personal statement. I can give you proper advice then.

Scholarship / Digital pandemic - Writing an outstanding Essay for AAS [6]

The reason for your proposed course is personal, but without an academic relevance. Since you are applying for a masters course scholarship, the focus of your proposed course would be helped by a personal, academic, and professional point of view. Summarize your personal reason, that is not as important as the other 2. The academic and professional reasons go hand in hand, creating the basis for your chosen courses and institution as well.

You have to focus the discussion on every course that you have chosen at every university. This essay does not tell me anything about what courses you have chosen, how your academic and professional reasons give itself to these choices, and why you decided that the university choices were the best for you as well. This is, in effect, an essay that does not say anything that can help the reviewer assess the credibility of your application and the seriousness and future goal application of your course and university choices.

Using this type of essay presentation for the first round of assessment will not be helpful to you. Due to the non-informative nature of this writing, it can actually disqualify your application right from the start of the review process. Try to be more specific about your writing. Respond accurately to the questions. You can find various examples regarding how to approach this writing at this forum, use those as your examples for your revisions.

Writing Feedback / Tell about the most interesting film you have seen recently [2]

The problem is your lack of familiarity with the English language. Specifically, how to write a movie review. You should try to read some of the professional reviews online to get a better idea of how such essays are written. Everything is summarized and focused on only certain aspects of the film. If you can avoid trying to exaggerate your comments, you will be able to avoid repeated statements such as:


Being over descriptive in this section is what hurt the presentation. It is enough to simply say "I sat through from beginning to end."I know you are trying to involve the reader in your experience, but that is not required when writing a basic movie review.

When reviewing the character development, you must refer to the character by name, then the actor's name. You only mentioned one of the 2 actor's names in this presentation, Jennifer Lawrence being the other cast member in the film, and did not mention their characters names at all. There is a lack of proper acting analysis in the presentation that would have helped you review the actors approach to the role. The camera man, director, and scriptwriter's work all lack highlight moments that should have been the focal point of your review for each of these people's participation in the movie. The plot summary could have been better presented within the 170 word count as well.

You may contact me privately if you wish to receive an example of how to write this essay perfectly within 170 words.

Scholarship / SCHOLARSHIP GKS - PERSONAL STATEMENT GRADUATE DEGREE 2021 - Public Administration. [6]

For the family background aspect, you are too focused on yourself in that presentation. While the family dynamic that helped you develop your personality is a part of the presentation, the reviewer needs to learn something else about your parents, aside from the fact they supported you in various ways. Are they financially well to do? What are their jobs? Are you following in their footsteps? Which parent was the most influential in your development personally, academically, and career aspirations considered? Why was that so? These are information points that show a deeper family background and a more cohesive family unit to the reviewer. These are the facts that he is going to be highly interested in.

Since you are already a college graduate, there is no need to present the high school background. Remember that you are already applying for the G program so you should be discussing, based on relevance, how your college education applies itself to your program of interest. Try to discuss being middle class in the family section of the presentation, be cohesive in your discussion, don't present the essay in a manner that keeps jumping from topic to topic, the reviewer will not be able to get a clear picture of your prompt responses if you have no writing direction.

Do not refer to your reason for deciding to study in Korea in this essay. There is no prompt requirement for you to do so. That is not what is being assessed as a part of the application this year. The focus is more on your family, academic, and character background this time. Remove all unnecessary references as per prompt requirements. That part is self explanatory and easy to spot on your end.

Do not discuss the scholarship program and your desire to be a candidate due to the limited fund of your parents. That is one great way to NOT be considered for the program. There should be a focus only on the REQUIRED discussion points. The rest of your essay actually deviates from the requirements so you will really need to write a new essay instead of trying to revise this one.

Scholarship / Global Korea Scholarship Personal Statement for Graduate Study in Electrical Engineering. [3]

The motivation aspect is only one of the considerable factors for your application. Unless I can read the complete essay for the personal statement, based upon the full prompt requirements, I cannot truly assess the validity of your motivation. In fact, you have wasted half a page on your motivation discussion alone, when there are several other discussion topics to be presented thoroughly to the reviewer. If you focus only on the motivation, you will run out of space for the other discussion points. The personal statement is not one essay topic per question, that is written as a cohesive and coherent summary of your responses to all the questions. This motivation response will not be considered with your application because you do not respond to the complete and overall discussion requirement for the presentation.

Writing Feedback / MULTIPLE ASPECTS OF SPACE EXPLORATION AND THE PREDICTION OF ITS CHANGE IN THE FUTURE [3]

You have a maximum of 40 minutes to write this paper. The proper word allotment is within 250-300 words due to the editing, proofreading, and finalization of the presentation. You cannot complete more than 400 words for your writing based on these guidelines. Next time, try to write within the suggested word count instead. While there is no penalty for writing more words, you should be focused on the quality, clarity, and overall presentation of the paper, rather than just the word count. Long essays more often than not, end up with more errors, less clarity, and a failure to actually comply with the prompt requirements. Hence the suggested word count. It is important to be able to double check yourself when writing these Task 2 essays in an effort to increase your score per rubic consideration and overall.

There is an immediate an noticeable error in this presentation that will automatically affect your TA score. You failed to respond properly to the direct questions being asked. There is no appropriate thesis statement presented at the end of the presentation. You neither give a proper measured response, nor provide the proper topic outline based on the reason for your position and what specific change will happen in the future. The lack of clear thesis statement will affect the clarity of your response based on the TA considerations.

Do not alter the discussion topic. Use relevant examples for your discussion. World War 2 changes the profile of that that discussion, making it about the war rather than the space race. That War had nothing to 2 with the race for space exploration. That is all about the race to the moon, which was not really well discovered at the time. The phrase "space exploration" is a more modern reference as China, America, Russia, India, and other countries are racing to be the first to Mars, where actual space exploration has already begun in earnest, causing international pride for America, who is backing Elon Musk and his relatively successful SpaceX programs. NASA is heavily reliant on the SpaceX programs for its trip to Mars and current remote exploration of that planet so your reference points, are a bit off, but acceptable since the main requirement is to use your understanding of the publicly available information.

Writing Feedback / Is it true that the vegetarian diet is more beneficial for health than eating meat? [2]

The subject proposed for this prompt is not being presented in an argumentative form. It is presented as an opinion for your consideration, hence the agree or disagree question. As such, it should not be framed in an exaggerated manner such as a "contentious argument" as that is not the given discussion format. Such exaggerations do have an effect on your TA score, regardless of how minimal the deductions will be for it. Deductions still count in the end score. Now, since this not an extent essay, you cannot represent a partial agreement for this response either.

The format you have used for the overall response presentation is therefore incorrect and will force this essay to get a TA score based on a partially correct response due an incorrect format response. That is not going to help your overall score because you will not get a passing TA score at the very start, affecting the overall possibility of this essay gaining a passing mark.

You have opposing opinions presented in the overall discussion. Note that in the thesis statement, you indicated a partial agreement with the statement. Then, in the reasoning paragraph, you stated that you agree, without the word "partially", indicating a full agreement with the original statement. This creates an unclear opinion on your part, confusing the examiner in the process. The first two reasons that support the agreement is correct. This is not a comparison essay, nor is it an extent essay. So the singular point of view discussion should be used. The pregnant women part of the discussion will not be considered and will be deducted from your word count instead.

Your 277 word count will be reduced and the total word count will actually be 239 words. That means, a percentage of TA points will be be deducted due to the missing 11 words. There will be double lowering of points for you in the TA section, which could indicate that you will not get a passing score overall for this presentation.

Writing Feedback / Essay about banning mobile phone during schoolday [3]

You have not changed the original prompt presentation to the point of presenting your understanding of the original idea. You have used too many of the original reference points without changing the words. The restatement section will be seen as being more of a cut and paste job on your part rather than a presentation of the original, based upon how you understood it. That means the TA score will not be good for this section, most specially since there is no clear opinion outline in the thesis sentence part at the end. The examiner already knows you will elaborate on your response, what he wants to know is, the reason for your response that you will be expanding on in the 3 paragraphs to follow.

You have to use third person pronouns in the first 2 reasoning paragraphs . That is because you are presenting the opinion of other people and explaining their belief. While others will tell you that you should avoid using pronouns and make general statements instead, please remember that your GRA score is based upon your understanding of how to properly use English grammar rules, that includes pronoun usage. Without the pronoun usage in the third person, the essay becomes solely a personal general statement, which is not the purpose of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Oil consumption of four different major consumers - Ielts task 1 - line graph [2]

The task allows only 20 minutes for total writing, that includes editing and proof reading. So the standard writing practice for the Task 1 essay has always been to write between 150 - 190 words, 200 max. Any word count more than that means you will have a tendency to cut into the task 2 writing time. With 236 words for this essay, you actually wrote more of a task 2 essay than an analytical report as required.

The summary overview is incomplete at it does not enumerate the immediately shared information from the line graph which includes the countries that represent the consumer report. There is no clear trending statement in this presentation. The trending statement is a single sentence that highlights the final graph assessment relating to a particular sector. Either that is on the up trend or the down trend. Your presentation lacks the singular clarity and focus that represents the trending sentence. This is normally represented by the phrase; "Overall" or "The most significant trend is..."

Graduate / MBA and technology - [KGSP-G] MASTERS IN BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION-STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [3]

Kindly look at the application packet again. The essay prompts are divided into clear sections, each prompt is a separate presentation discussion. It is not a combined presentation as you have done here. The division is:

1. Language Study Plan

2. Goal of Study
- Title of Research
- Study Plan

3. Future Plans after study

Each is a separate presentation. So for this case, I will just focus on your language study plan. You will need to properly divide the presentations, based on the separated discussion charts in the application forms.

For the language study plan, you need to show that you are learning the language by immersing yourself as best you can in the culture of Korea. For the before part, you can indicate that aside from what you have been doing to learn the language, you have been practicing both written and spoken Hangul by joining Korean chatrooms and forums where the primary language used of Hangul. Upon your arrival in Korea, you can discuss joining clubs, organizations,and other social activities that can help you perfect your Hangul as well. The English section needs to be as equally developed as your language study plans for Hangul. you do not really explain how you are planning to develop your English skills while in Korea, again, socialization references are important in that aspect.

After you have properly divided your essay into the appropriate sections, please post each individual response to the prompt in a new thread at this forum so that I can review these for you properly. I cannot review the rest of the essay at this point as the mixed up responses will not be helpful to your application.

Then

Scholarship / My commitment to my community - Global Ugrad [2]

The problem with your presentation is that you are representing yourself as a community leader, without having any access to other organizations, memberships, or coordinated activities that would show you have an actual network of community and civic minded organizations backing your moves. It will be beneficial to your application if you can mention the names of the groups that you participate in, or that help you through coordinated efforts. Showing how your mission and vision gels with these other organizations for the benefit of your community.

The presentation is too vague in discussion. It informs the reviewer, but withholds information that could help him validate your response. Yes, there is a high possibility that your participation in these activities will need to be double checked by the reviewer, just to be sure that you are not just making up the information. Afterall, the Global UGrad program is one of the best in the world, so they will only accept the best and the brightest. To be sure of that, they will look into the information that applicants submit. So if you are not on the level, they will find out and disqualify your application.

Scholarship / Fighter family - KGSP Scholarship - Personal Statemente International Relations [3]

There is a key component missing in this discussion. While you can be considered to have an immensely strong academic background and have relevant non-professional work experience, there is a lack of reference to your actual IR related job at the present. While these information show that you have the background for IR, there is a disconnection with how your current work experience or position has influenced your decision to pursue an IR masters course. The reference to your 8 year old self is irrelevant because that section should have been occupied by the reference to your relevant work experience that would have made you an ideal professional candidate for the course. Where is the professional motivation? I see the personal motivation represented by your desire to see Mexico improve, but you do not want to live in Mexico to do it, which will probably be a negative since your IR motivation is selfish and not in reference to helping your country by fighting for its IR from within. You are actually using this scholarship to escape Mexico, regardless of how you frame the escape and the reviewer will understand that quite clearly since you even specifically mention it in one of the paragraphs.

This essay does not show you on a professional career path towards international relations. There is no relevant professional work experience that would indicate that you would actually be helping Mexico to improve once you complete the course. Mostly because there is no professional / work foundation for your International Relations job at the moment. This sounds more like you are really just trying to get out of Mexico, without actually having the proper professional references to qualify you to do so.

Scholarship / AAS - What are your plans when you finish your studies (Master Program : Tourism) [2]

The last thing that I can do for you here is make the decision for you regarding which statement to submit. The strength of your statement comes from your confidence in your own writing. You need to trust your gut feeling when it comes to how you will represent yourself in line with the statement requirements. Both are strong, both have benefits, both have drawbacks. The decision as to which you believe will best suit your purpose within the application comes from within you. Do not expect other people to make that decision for you. Nobody will want to accept the blame if you fail to make it into the program. Any failure cannot be attributed to anyone but yourself. When you ask someone to make the choice for you, you are laying the foundation to find a scapegoat, someone to blame, for any shortcomings your application may have. That, is not something I am willing to take on for you. That is not something anybody here, as forum participants, should be relied on to do either. They have their own problems with writing their own responses to even bother to help you pick a response for your own application.

Scholarship / Serving community - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

The first 3 paragraphs do not speak of your ability to be a community leader and enforce changes in your community through civic projects and volunteer organization activities. The essay will be more targeted once you revise the current 4th paragraph to become your opening statement instead. With regards to the cultural dance reference, it is unclear how your leadership skills played a part in this exercise, you need to be more specific about how you led this activity and why it is an important part of cultural exchanges in your country based on UNESCO standards.

The competition does not portray you as the leader of the group. This would be acceptable if you and your group members were able to figure out how to actually have the mini markets and small grocery stores use your application. What you learned, still needs to be geared more towards the enhancement of your current leadership skill.s The last 2 paragraphs deviate from the discussion topic. Remove those references. Create a closing statement that is better suited towards your portrayal as a leader and active community participant instead since that is what the prompt is requiring you to develop a discussion about.

Scholarship / Defending the global internet - GOVERNMENT OF IRELAND INTERNATIONAL EDUCATION SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Review the prompt requirement again. You have failed to properly respond to the question because you wrote a personal statement without regard for the writing requirements. There is only a personal benefit for you, a professional benefit in terms of changing your career path, but no benefit to Ireland in accepting you as a scholar and as a student. Bear in mind that your undergraduate course is not related to cybersecurity and your profession does not portray you are working in that field either. Therefore, there is little convincing information in your presentation that can make you a viable candidate for the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Instead of finding measures to solve climate change problem we should find some ways to live with it [2]

Why do you totally disagree? What are the reasoning topics you will be discussing? Present the outline of topics to increase the clarity of your opinion. You can say "I totally disagree with this idea based on 2 reasons. First.... Second..." That will be enough to help create a stronger prompt restatement + Response outline for your next paragraphs.

As an extent / degree essay, you must use justifications for your opinion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one by disproving 2 publicly known norms or information that you feel can be counter argued. This essay is strongest when done using counter arguments. That means, present what people believe to be correct about the topic, then present information that disproves the said opinion. Hence the "degree" or "extent" of your disagreement. You could say something like "While it is accepted that.... is beneficial to the environment, I oppose this idea because the end result of that practice is..." Just to give you an idea of how to create a counter argument. Yes, this is one essay where the written debate format can be used.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1: The given line graph displays the number of alumni in Canada within fiveteen years 1992-2007 [3]

In the trending statement, you should mention the year when the women had the highest number of graduates. The images cannot share an identical growth pattern if the women graduated at a higher rate than men at the end. When you say there is an identical growth pattern, that means the increases in the male graduates are commensurate to the female graduates. It would be better not to use 2 different trending references in these essays. Just use one as there is a possibility for confusion to be created in the presentation, such as what happened in your current writing.

You should try to write at least 175 words for this presentation. That is so that you can get a better scoring consideration for each section. Another sentence or two in the final paragraph should helped fix that problem. Rather than using the run-on presentation in the last sentence, you should have used 2 sentence presentations instead to help with the clarity of the information presentation and GRA considerations.

Scholarship / Laboratories - ChIR Motivational Statement [2]

It would be best for me to list down the points that you actually responded to with this essay so that you can easily identify which parts you did not address. You properly addressed:

- Academic interests
- Reason for choosing your masters course / motivation
- Interest in the course (although lacking a properly developed connection with your current profession)
- Skills and abilities ( that require highlights rather than vague mentions in the current version)

As you can see, there is a failure to completely address numbers 6-8. You cannot just mention the countries as if you were taking a tour rather than being a serious student learning about how these countries can contribute to your academic learning and its professional application. Neither do you actually qualify any reasons as to why you are going to easily adapt to studying and living in Europe. The last part, in particular, is very important for your presentation. So this essay, while lengthy and informative, is short on presenting complete information. Review the requirements again, revise the essay by shortening the existing portions to accommodate the additional response information.

Scholarship / GLOBAL UGRAD - WHY WOULD I BE A GREAT PARTICIPANT IN THIS STUDENT EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

You do not qualify for the program based on this presentation. You have written a lengthy personal statement that addresses your perceived personal virtues, but none of the community leadership requirements as specified. It is almost as if you decided to totally disregard the prompt requirement requiring you to justify your qualifications as a community leader. Perhaps because, based upon what I have read here, you do not have any quantifiable or explainable experiences as a community leader. Teaching people to use social media is not a sign of community leadership. They could have learned all of that on their own or through some other channel. There is no reference to any activity that you have led, which made a difference in the community through the improvement of skills or useful education of the community members.

Writing Feedback / PRACTICE WRITING D1 - (Paragraph) Volunteer work [2]

In order to properly write the response paragraph, you first have to understand what response method you have to use. In this case, you are being asked for your opinion on the topic. So you should have discussed if this is necessary or unnecessary. Instead, you chose to disagree with the presented discussion topic. If you are not being asked to agree or disagree, then you should be presenting an opinion based on the topic instead. You could have said; "I do not think this requirement is fair to the students because..." or "I believe that this is an acceptable requirement for high school students since it will..."

What I am giving you is just a general idea as to how you can better write this essay. Since you said you are taking an English test and not the IELTS or TOEFL tests, I did not apply the writing qualifications of those exams to your presentation. Please let me know next time if you are prepping for an official English language test so that I can apply the correct review procedure on your work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2:Discuss pros and cons for the young between gap year and starting university studies. [3]

Be careful with your vocabulary. Using the wrong word in a sentence will result in LR deductions. For example, in the first sentence of the first paragraph, you said

"student are devised to travel"

The correct phrase formation is:

"...students are advised to travel..."

That is based on the difference in word meaning:

Devise - to form a plan

Advised - informed

Making a recommendation to a student to travel is along the lines of "advisement". There are several other LR problems in your presentation that would actually take up all of my time if I were to give you a vocabulary lesson throughout this essay. Let us put it this way, you need to better understand English word meaning and how to properly use these in a sentence. The word usage problem is proving to be a big one for you in this presentation.

The paragraphs also lack a sense of clarity and meaning. Thus failing to provide cohesive and coherent discussion topics. I believe that this is being caused by the transliteration of your presentation from Vietnamese thoughts to English words. It is important that you begin practicing thinking and writing only in English. That is the only way you can solve the problem of clarity in your written presentations.

Based on this essay, I can say that you are not yet prepared to write Task 2 essays. You should start by writing general essays instead. Ones that will focus on word usage, sentence formation, and clarity of presentation more than anything else. You may contact me privately if you wish to receive guidance regarding building your writing skills.

Scholarship / The efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia?/AAS [2]

ONE QUESTION PER THREAD. ADMIN SHALL DELETE THE OTHER QUESTIONS SHORTLY.

Do not confuse the presentation with unnecessary information about the pandemic and your thoughts on learning. Focus only the requirement which is, what legwork you did to fully consider your options before you decided to study in Australia, the AAS should not be included in the discussion. However, a discussion of the masters degree educational system of Australia, as the basis of your choice of country for study, is required. Do not focus solely on AAS, The question is focused on Australia as an educational destination. Why Australia? What set Australian universities apart from the universities in your country that also offer masters courses? Where did you get your information aside from the website for AAS? How were you influenced to choose Australia by the previous students who studied there? How did you come across Australia as a student destination on the internet? These are questions that should be the focal point of your response, but are missing in the overall presentation.

Scholarship / American-Hispanic learning process - Personal Statement for the Global Korea Scholarship [2]

Kindly fix the format of this presentation. It is extremely difficult to read. If you submit this essay in this format, I assure you the reviewer is not going to finish reading your personal statement before moving on to the next applicant. I gave up after the first 5 lines. It is not an essay that is written to be easily scanned for information. You need to use paragraphs, based on the specific prompt requirement you are addressing.

There is a missing reference to your work experience in relation to your interest in higher studies, motivation, and acquired skills. Your essay seems to have focused only on the first part of the prompt requirements, completely forgetting the all too important last few prompt requirements that would have shown you preparation for masters studies, your ability to do complex research, and professional skills that you believe make you a suitable candidate for the program.

Writing Feedback / The affordable care act and what the solution is [2]

This is a very timely essay. However, it tends to get confusing to read because of the constantly diverting focus from healthcare to consumerism in relation to capitalism. You may want to give the reader a better version of this essay that allows them to concentrate on the actual topic. When discussing capitalism, do so in the manner that focuses on how capitalism has become a negative for healthcare stemming from doctor fees all the way to the emergency care for a simple sprained ankle. Since you are discussing healthcare, the inclusion of capitalism in the form of consumerism tends to muddle the presentation. While I understand how capitalism fits int he discussion, try to avoid consumerism discussions as these are hard to apply to a medical setting. The health insurance set up is totally different in terms of consumerism so you have to create a more relatable examples series in your presentation. The rest of the essay is informative though and works very well in terms of discussion, opinion, and outlook.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 The line graph illustrates how much waste produced by three companies from 2000 to 2015 [5]

While your summary overview is good, it would have been better if you did not create your own abbreviations for keywords in the presentation. Using the word "com" to refer to a company is something only known to you as you did not tell the reader that you would be using that word to refer to the term "company". You will lose and confuse the reader, causing stress as they try to figure out what you mean. It could adversely affect your GRA score since there will be some sort of confusion on the part of the reader.

The second paragraph should be divided into individual sentences. You wrote a run-on, which is just a series of information without proper analysis or presentation in the paragraph. You are scored on clarity and grammar range and accuracy, both of which will suffer when you write using long sentences that could again, confuse the reader and further increase your GRA deductions. The run-on presentation seems to be the main problem of your presentation. Try to practice writing using the proper mix of simple and complex sentences. Run-on sentences do not represent those types of sentences.

Scholarship / KGS-G STATEMENT OF PURPOSE - language in Korea [3]

One topic per thread

Your language study plan is not impressive. There is no sense in mentioning that Hangul is the teaching language in Korea. That is precisely why you are being asked to explain how you are preparing for the Hangul based class teaching prior to your arrival. How are you getting your language training? Where are you getting it? At what level would you judge your Hangul proficiency at this point? Let us say that you have a basic skill level at the moment, how will you further improve once you begin your classes in Korea? Will you get private help aside from the mandated language classes? How will you learn the language in a manner relevant to the masters course you will be attending? These are basic questions that are relevant to this statement which you failed to address in your paragraph. Revise the presentation to include specific language learning plans and methods. Include a social and community aspect to the language learning schedule.

Writing Feedback / Help for Correction my essay . Academic essay _ IELTS Academic Task 2 on a consumer society [2]

Good restatement with the slight problem of you still using the phrase "which possessing" in the presentation. The best scored paraphrasing is always the one that avoids any word usage from the original. that is because it shows a high degree of vocabulary, English comprehension, and thought process. You have shown an ability to do this in the restatement section. So just work on further improving that skill by avoiding all original word usage.

You are over explaining in the presentation. You have to work within a 250-300 word frame only. That is because of the 40 minute time limit for the presentation. I understand that you have an extensive English vocabulary and you want to show the examiner your English skills as thoroughly as possible. However, the aim of this test is to have you show that you can explain your understanding, opinion, and dis/agreement with a given topic as quickly and clearly as you can. Do not get me wrong, you did a thorough job of explaining yourself. The problem, is that the examiner needs to be able to quickly read the presentation, hence the word allowance.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Will Computer Replace Teachers? I don't think so - they do not have emotions [6]

There is a prompt deviation on the part of your restatement. Kindly compare the following to see how you accidentally committed the error:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: I, however, would argue that teachers are irreplaceable and in this essay I am going show why.

The lack of proper response means your starting TA score will be rated based on unrelated response. Always review your essay for prompt accuracy after you draft your response. Make sure that your response supports the discussion instructions or responds to the question posed. In this case, you can clearly see why your essay will start at a scoring disadvantage from the very start. While your reasoning paragraphs are somewhat supportive of the given discussion topic and question, I do not believe that this will be enough to help you get a passing score in an actual test. Most specially since you do not have an appropriate summary conclusion presented. You continued to discuss your opinion in the last paragraph, creating a non-concluded essay. The lack of summary in the summary conclusion will also force additional deductions on your TA score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Traveling to work is a negative or positive development. Discuss both views. [2]

It is going to be better for your score if you do not make any attestations to the validity of any of the claims presented in the original presentation. Why? Well, the validity of the claim being made is not required, not a part of the discussion requirement. Therefore, you are including unnecessary information that runs counter to the discussion instructions.

Now, you did a pretty good job of referring to the opinion of other people in the first reasoning paragraph. Your discussion subject is valid, well supported, and clear to the reader. However, the unnecessary inclusion of the second reason in that paragraph, which was only mentioned, but not really developed as well as the first part, created an under developed presentation for that topic, which would affect the overall C&C consideration for that section.

For the second paragraph, you used a general presentation for the explanation, but failed to use the third person reference like you did in the previous paragraph. This made the discussion unclear to the reader. Whose opinion is being presented? Is this a personal or public opinion? That is why the use of pronouns in these comparative discussion presentations are important. The pronouns add to the clarity of the presentation.

There should have been a third paragraph in this case, the explanation of your personal opinion based on the previously presented opinions and explanations. That is a stand alone paragraph that creates the personal opinion discussion. The current format of the essay shows an open ended essay because you used your personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. The task 2 essay requires the use of summary conclusions. These are conclusions that are based on a summary of the public and personal opinion as a reminder of the discussion to the reader.

This is not a bad first try at writing this task. You did well enough for a beginner and have room for improvement. Keep practicing and you should see improvements to your discussion approach over time.

Undergraduate / Global UGRAD 2021. Describe a time when you encountered a conflict and how you handled it [3]

The narrative is lacking in information. You said the situation occurred in your second year of high school. The implication is that you were about to enter college, am I right? The reviewer will be unclear about the situation you ended up in because towards the middle part, you said you got a job as a teacher, which requires a college degree in Education, at the very least. I feel like you need to better explain that situation as it relates to your education. Most countries require more than 2 years for high school, which is why I believe this part will prove to be a bit difficult for the reviewer to understand. The essay itself, avoiding that confusing part, is emotional enough and interesting. Is it strong enough to get you considered for the scholarship or semester abroad? I cannot really be sure. It will all depend upon the strength of the competition in this round of considerations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Investing in science education [3]

The second sentence does not make any sense and does not relate to the original prompt topic. It will also be best to avoid citing the words of other authors in your presentation because those tend to alter the presentation information from the original. The first paragraph should accurately create a second version of the original presentation, without additional information or reference to other sources such as Francis Bacon. What exactly do you mean by a country's property? Did yo mean development and progress? Property does not refer to the same things. This is also an extent essay, not just a simple opinion essay. So your response presentation is incorrect. There is no equal stress in the presentation. Either you agree to a certain extent or you disagree to a certain extent.

This is a single opinion essay. It is not a comparative essay because the instruction does not ask you to discuss both points of view and present your own opinion. You are asked to support only one of the two discussion options. When you say the stress is equal, then there is no clear opinion presented on your part. Why? The equality option does not exist in the discussion question option. Therefore, your response will be considered unrelated to the given discussion.

Graduate / SOP for MS Human Computer-Interaction/ Changing Direction [2]

Your approach to presenting your relevant education is acceptable. Since the educational background does not seem to be a major requirement for this particular statement of purpose. Since you graduated with a different degree, presenting how you prepared on your own will work since you attended formal classes. Had you done everything via self-study, then you would have had a problem with the presentation.

The theoretical aspect of your purpose fills the essay 100 %. You should balance that with a forward thinking career path as well. How does your current occupation require you to advance your studies as well? Based on the current presentation, you are focusing only on your personal interests and theoretical interests. The actual application of the masters course skills, techniques, and theories, based on a professional purpose is required.

You may also wish to address the extra curricular activities in this essay that somehow relate to your interest. Maybe you are training others who are self-studying just as you did. Maybe you have published YT videos on your channel that can help interest the reviewer in your HCI passion. The idea is to show the reviewer how you pursue your interests both formally and informally.

Undergraduate / The natural world - Texas A&M College Station transfer essay prompt A [3]

The presentation is strong. It shows aspects of your life that would not have been part of your admission consideration if only the basics were considered. It shows a true progression and a developing maturity. However, in the last paragraph, you make mention of your ability to take responsibility for your actions and your determination would be an asset to A&M. Can you better explain why you believe that? What aspects of the A&M student life can benefit from your participation based on your perceived strengths? If you are running short of word allowance, then consider shortening the presentation about how you decided to become a game warden. That feels like it is running too long in the presentation anyway.

Scholarship / GKS/KGSP Master in Urban Environmental Planning - Statement of Purpose [2]

There is no need to list you references at any point in this presentation. While these are possibly reading materials that have influenced certain study decisions on your part, the originality of your goal of study is what matters. I understand why you would want to refer to the original sources of the inspiration for your study plan. However, your study plan represents a different end result from their own presentations so it would be better to create a general discussion reference. You need to be original in presentation. The inclusion of these other sources makes you seem like a copycat rather than someone with unique and updated goals for your study and how to achieve results for your research.

For each university you present, it will be helpful to present a possible title for your thesis that shows a relevance to the study topics you will be focusing on. That way it becomes clear to the reviewers that you know how your studies will benefit from the opportunities offered by each university.

Writing Feedback / "Teenage Driving Statistics" - Driving Licenses for People Under Eighteen Years Old [2]

I am confused as to whether you are writing this essay as a research paper or as a Task 2 essay topic. The presentation format is that of a Task 2 essay. However, the discussion presented is that of a research paper. So which is it? If you are presenting a research paper, then you need a clearer and more defined thesis paragraph in the first presentation. The questions you hope to answer, the trend for the response, and the sources for your response would help create a strong and coherent thesis statement for your presentation.

When you use the word "and" in the paragraph, it should be preceded by a comma because it is a conjunction. You should be joining the 2 sentence ideas in one presentation rather than trying to start a new one with an improperly formatted sentence. In reference to the factual information in the presentation, you are missing in-text citations that would give the reader the original source of the information. As an article or research paper, the original source will be the factual basis of your information presentation.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012. [3]

The first error I have to point out, is the under writing in this essay. You are required to write at least 150 words or face penalties for writing under the minimum word requirement. You are short by 2 words so, you can expect a minimal percentage deduction in your TA score. Though minimal, it could still have a strong effect on your final score. Remember, essays that do not present more than the minimum word count are usually seen as being under developed and little analyzed. Try to write 175 words next time to better meet the more than adequate writing standards for the test. The way to increase your word count and GRA scoring considerations will be by changing the way you present the information from the image. Rather than using only commas to separate the information presentation, creating a pause, but not a break that helps with the clarity and coherence of the presentation, use a variation of punctuation marks instead, with a focus on period (.) usage. That way you give your chance to truly create an acceptable mix of simple and complex sentence presentations within the paragraphs. Right now, you present only 2 long sentences per paragraph. Aim to write at least 3 up to 5 sentence per paragraph to allow for a better data analysis presentation and comparison on your end.