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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 399)

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Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball

18 - 'It also has high-school students tutor low-income, inter-city music students' Shouldn't the word be 'who tutor'? Look at...

Undergraduateusername621 - Aug 19, 2009 / eclipze - Sep 16, 2009
"Something you do for the pleasure of it" - Short Answer

5 - No. If all of your sentences were that length, the essay would run into problems, but an occasional long...

UndergraduateJJH - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
Harvard (optional) essay- about Iran and travel.

8 - Yep, your new conclusion reads very well, and will work as a solid replacement for the sentence you had...

Undergraduateusername621 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 22, 2009
"Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay

10 - The first part of your essay now connects more smoothly with the rest of it. In taking out some...

Undergraduateusername621 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 2, 2009
BLUE-COLLAR LIFE & CYCLING ; UT Austin transfer - SOP

2 - The essay is solid, because it has the advantage of sounding sincere. You are speaking candidly and well about...

UndergraduateDJKessler - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
Which is the better way to write? Prompt 1-UC Essay

3 - they always say general to specific. which one is more general to u? community or family? seems as if...

Undergraduatetran1200 - Aug 19, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 19, 2009
the International Baccalaureate program - UF Application Essay

4 - Thanks for the feedback. I'm not using this essay whatsoever. I agree it's not personal enough, therefore, I wrote...

Undergraduatebrojas30 - Aug 19, 2009 / brojas30 - Sep 2, 2009
Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests)

6 - Unless they are brain-dead, everybody enjoys new experiences. Almost everybody sets goals and enjoys achieving them. You need to...

Undergraduateshell5811 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal?

24 - yeh dont mention things to make it sound like people will pity you. i like the references to the...

UndergraduateLoliT - Aug 19, 2009 / eyitskat - Aug 27, 2009
highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose

7 - It would be nice if I could incorporate my passion to serve the country by contributing to the development...

Undergraduatesparklingway - Aug 19, 2009 / sparklingway - Aug 23, 2009
'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department?

10 - Thanks for the responses guys. As I take it, I should delete/shorten the first examples. Then I should...

UndergraduatePikafu - Aug 18, 2009 / Pikafu - Aug 19, 2009
animals, artwork, sciences - present yourself to the Committee on Admissions

3 - I have also been said to be a great dog trainer. I grew up rescuing stray dogs in...

Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay

9 - Also, how do you indent the first line of a paragraph in the text editor? The tab key doesn't...

Undergraduateasyn - Aug 18, 2009 / asyn - Aug 20, 2009
"BODY SLAM"; Wrestling - Common App Short Essay

9 - Thanks for the feedback Simone and asyn. I incorporated what both of you said: When the local youth...

UndergraduateAphamos - Aug 18, 2009 / Aphamos - Aug 20, 2009
Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App

14 - Let me jump in with a few general comments. I like both versions and would like to see you...

Undergraduateraven - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 20, 2009
"Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay

5 - Ideally, you will do both: Show off your writing skills and tell or, even better, demonstrate something about...

UndergraduateRay274 - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"'

17 - I think it is a good essay to write for the common app. Maybe you might want to consider...

Undergraduatelinhexi - Aug 18, 2009 / zw123 - Oct 3, 2009
"It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay

11 - "The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is", said Oscar Wilde....

UndergraduateSxmBeauty - Aug 17, 2009 / SxmBeauty - Sep 3, 2009
The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay

10 - Unless Ms. Hoen remains your art teacher, you want to say, "When I was younger, I had a...

Undergraduateiluv_noodles - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance.

5 - This is a sentence fragment. And, indeed, your conclusion is incomplete. Your two stories are very strong. Now,...

Undergraduateemilyemily0 - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions?

11 - Thank you for your suggestion, Llamapoop. I will try to rework the introduction, although, some have hinted that mentioning...

Undergraduatejankrav - Aug 17, 2009 / jankrav - Aug 27, 2009
Volunteerism is like this: Rewarding Experience

7 - 1900 characters...not words....

Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 22, 2009
"A well informed family" - MSU personal statement

9 - I think this is a fantastic essay! I also think the revisions are approipriate and good luck to you...

Undergraduatejyxff - Aug 17, 2009 / schubzcrazee - Aug 21, 2009
Prepare to serve - a medical practice in an underserved area

5 - I think this is great stuff. You sound sincere, and the experiences you've had are all really relevant to...

Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 18, 2009
creating music - Common App 150 word essay

6 - I'm not certain what you mean by this....

Undergraduater0fflew0ffles - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
Compare yourself now to when you were younger..

12 - ^I am surprised. I didnt think it was harsh feedback. Just good ol useful feedback. ^...

UndergraduateMayada - Aug 17, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 19, 2009
"I say China, I say America" - UC Transfer Essay

4 - Thanks you guys! I'll make some edits and post my revision :)...

Undergraduateyoulovewendy - Aug 17, 2009 / youlovewendy - Aug 20, 2009
Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI>

6 - Your first paragraph, while well written, doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your essay,...

UndergraduateCalLover - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 22, 2009
FSU essay; strength within

4 - Personally, I feel that it would be better if you specify which word (in this case Vires) you are...

Undergraduateeclipse00 - Aug 16, 2009 / fat_b - Aug 17, 2009
My passion for kids - COMMON APP HOOK (+ESSAY)

4 - Also, please say "my passion for working with kids"!...

UndergraduateKW3EN - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
Stranded in an airport COMMON APP ESSAY

11 - Ahh that sucks. I want to make this the best possible essay and it sucks because I started completely...

UndergraduateDamon1570 - Aug 16, 2009 / Damon1570 - Aug 17, 2009
I can't really think of any ideas on how to end this - FSU Addmissions essay.

5 - As a committee, I do not need to read your essay to find the same definition of my school...

UndergraduateCayce726 - Aug 16, 2009 / sad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009
Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering

22 - The moderators will do that for you every now and then....

UndergraduateMayada - Aug 16, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 19, 2009
Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2)

12 - Right, but you must also at least sketch the range of your interests and aspirations too....

Undergraduatefat_b - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice

16 - The main point of this essay is to convey how my passions have helped define who I am, and...

Undergraduatekeds51 - Aug 16, 2009 / keds51 - Sep 7, 2009
During my life I learnt a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me.

6 - Try condensing the rest of your essay a bit too, making everything more concise and using stronger verbs wherever...

Undergraduatevaizardx - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 16, 2009
Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay

14 - Perfect. Let's see your revision....

Undergraduaterosetta114 - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 17, 2009
UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche..

8 - Bear in mind, too, that your choice of topic will also show how deeply aware you are of your...

Undergraduateskay - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 16, 2009
Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay

11 - two things first off, just because there is a 250 word minimum, doens't mean your essay should go well...

UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 15, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 28, 2009
SOCCER PLAYER; U Connecticut - Person (profound effect)

5 - This is pretty much the sort of essay you want. Your writing style is solid, and the content says...

UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 23, 2009
Personal Essay, "Life Defining moment"

8 - Your revised draft is stronger, though you begin relying heavily on forms of "to be" a bit too much...

Undergraduatebboysmiles - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
Musical audition - common app 1

4 - Thanks everyone! This obviously is very helpful to me. also where it says "Bishop Hendricken" in the first...

Undergraduatemikedaman9892 - Aug 14, 2009 / mikedaman9892 - Aug 15, 2009
Common App - Topic of Your Choice (Willie Jack)

4 - Well if this is a topic of your choice, and the essay is titled after your dog, you do...

Undergraduateshelby_l - Aug 14, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 15, 2009
Sibling Rivalry/Cross-Country - UF Admission Essay

6 - You did a really good job. I agree with EF_Simone , 'unique individual' is redundant! High energy level throughout...

UndergraduateMalorieL - Aug 14, 2009 / rbz4real - Sep 9, 2009
an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer.

8 - Haha... The first two sentences take up valuable space that can be used to introduce your actual volunteer...

Undergraduatetal105 - Aug 13, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 14, 2009
Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay

6 - Do you have any more specific suggestions on how to do that? Another draft of mine had more detail...

Undergraduate2010nbailey - Aug 13, 2009 / 2010nbailey - Aug 16, 2009
My dad has sensitive skin; Casa Grande High School, UC Essay #2

15 - I have to turn this in later today. I feel confident with this draft. Any last comments? Loud...

Undergraduatehawaii2010 - Aug 13, 2009 / hawaii2010 - Aug 14, 2009
Personal statement- work experience, the first day of my internship

4 - I personally liked the reference to your father in the first version, especially if that really was what you...

Undergraduateppthecat - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 13, 2009
A difficult accomplishment that you are proud of

6 - Try rewriting the essay, only taking a more narrative approach. The best way to describe a story is by...

Undergraduatetobesky - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 23, 2009
"Swim coach Marks" - Admission essay 2 for UT

8 - I agree with the other comments-I think the essay is very well-written. Your voice really comes through in your...

UndergraduateMoreJosh - Aug 13, 2009 / 2010nbailey - Aug 14, 2009
"to have clear & consistent values" - FSU "Vires, Artes, Mores"

3 - And if you could then show how Mores leads to or supports Vires and Artes, then your essay would...

Undergraduatekks - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 15, 2009
"Wildfires in Texas" - admission essay for UT

6 - this essay is very good. at first i thought o boyy, heres another essay beginning with descrpition, but then...

UndergraduateMoreJosh - Aug 13, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 13, 2009
"how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay

18 - How about trying something concrete and specific? I would be so myself, but I naturally don't know the concrete...

Undergraduatelexi_z - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 7, 2009
Purdue personal statement - interest in science

15 - i agree with all the comments here, making it more specific and haveing a more solid ending would really...

UndergraduateKaleb92 - Aug 13, 2009 / bboysmiles - Aug 17, 2009
"the California State Summer School for the Arts" - TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

3 - K thanx :]...

UndergraduateLesleigh101 - Aug 13, 2009 / Lesleigh101 - Aug 13, 2009
"Good morning, visitors!"

10 - I wonder about gender. Starting in puberty, girls start to downplay their skills and achievements while boys tend to...

Undergraduatezay - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 14, 2009
"About being American" - UC Essay Prompt #1.

9 - yeah i think the ending ideas are a good start (you basically got the idea down).. but the problem...

Undergraduatehakyo - Aug 13, 2009 / ninnin - Aug 28, 2009
"My world, consisting of the people" - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1

2 - I'm sorry to hear that, because your introduction needs work. For what it's worth, I'll tell you what...

Undergraduateclownfish - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 13, 2009
Should I include names in my essay?

7 - i like it! butt heres some things you may want to consider if your doing the common app online,...

Undergraduateppthecat - Aug 13, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 14, 2009
"my Girl Scout leaders" - university of florida addmision essay.

5 - S orry,I suck at the w hole writ ing thing (obviously) and I don' t feel like I should...

Undergraduatejokichrun - Aug 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 13, 2009

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