Writing Feedback / Prejudice of Personality by Experience : Can We? [3]

... clothes which are worn by inhabitants PEOPLE represent their true colors CHARACTERS... This essay will discuss both notions OPINIONS. ,butI extremely believe that MY OPINION, IS THAT people should be aware to wear OF THE IMPORTANCE OF WEARING appropriate clothes according to the circumstances DEPENDING ON THE OCCASSION.

... protect our body from the environmentAL conditionS to become SOMETHING more specific like revealING PEOPLE'S residents' identities due to the fact that mostly, people will get c... will get complimentS from the others. In addition, ... , tenD to be tagged trustworthy. ...

However, publics THE PUBLIC cannot judge others just by looking to AT what they wear. The popular quotes QUOTATION SAYS, "Do not judge the book from BY its cover", should become the mind's program A PERSON'S MINDSET when someone meetS the individuals. ... prejudice of women WHO wear a sexy outfit as an "easy" WOMAN though that could be just their HER way to express themselves HERSELF. Moreover, there are various crime occurs such as deception of BY well-suited DRESSED people. ...until the criminals run AWAY with their money.

...Should consider the places to WHERE THEY wear their clothes.... In addition, residents cannot just deliberately appear with their styles regardless the condition.
- The last sentence does not make any sense. You need to revise it for clarity and logic.

... that fashion is has already become a significant part of our life LIVES, but the personality A PERSON cannot be judged simply by the appearance. The best solution will be for everyone TO adjusts their clothes based on theIR situation.

Writing Feedback / There is no excuse for authorities to restrict the unpaid public rights-education and healthcare. [2]

Sholihin, first things first. Your opening statement is confused, does not use the correct word descriptors for your essay and lacks a coherent message. Before you use the term "state" in description of a government, use the term "government" first. After all, the keyword used in the prompt is "government" and not state. it is imperative that you show the reviewer that you know how to use the keywords that were provided to you in the correct context. At the moment, your essay does not do that.

Self-governing means that the people do not need to heed the government orders and they do not need the govcernment's help in doing anything. Since what you are trying to say is that the government should "subsidize" the education and health needs of the people, meaning the government should make it free by paying for the services the people need, you cannot use the term "self-governing".

Now, going back to the opening statement, it is flawed because it does not accurately portray the line of reasoning or discussion in the essay prompt. You immediately open with your opinion discussion, which is a big mistake since it does not follow the correct essay format for the IELTS test. The opening statement should contain the following:

1. Restated prompt
2. Opposing view summary
3. Supporting view summary
4. Your opinion summary.

Then you can move on to the actual discussion. The conclusion is also wrong in the sense that you need at least 3 sentences to properly explain, summarize, and present your opinion on the topic again. The one that you wrote is not acceptable.

Undergraduate / How can I benefit from education at AUC? The epitome of a successfully well-built arts university. [3]

Menna, you do not need to constantly mention the name of the university in your essay. You won't be submitting this essay to any other university. So making reference to the university on a constant basis isn't really necessary. The reviewer is very conscious of the fact that you are applying to their university. The redundancy gets on the nerves of the reader so you need to avoid doing that.

Your essay also does not clearly represent the idea behind how you can benefit from the AUC education. Your essay just kept going round and round and actually got quite long without offering any real information. If you want to make an impact upon the reviewer, you should look into the highlights of a Psychology university course at AUC.

Think of what the university offers in terms of study, internship, and research programs that you can pursue as a college student at the university. All college universities have some sort of internship program that sets it apart from the other universities. You should make sure to mention this information when you can. More importantly. You are asking to study at the American University in Cairo, that alone is enough reason to set its Psychology program apart from the others.

Consider the diversity of the university. Think about how you can benefit from an American educational system while surrounded by the Egyptian culture. How would this unique university situation help make you a better psychologist in the future? Consider your options. Create your answers, then you will have properly explained how you can benefit from the education that the university offers.

Writing Feedback / The Percentage of Varies Residents in Australia who Visit Some Places [2]

The bar chart describes a THE percentage of varies VARIOUS citizenS in Australia who came WENT to some places. There is a THE value IS measured in proportion. ... IS THAT a percentage of various citizens in Australia who came WENT to THE cinema is the highest proportion in OF each category.

Turning first, there THERE are similar patternS of percentage ... who came WENT to zooS and theatreS. The highest proportion is ARE new migrants who WERE born in English-language states THAT visitED the zoo and theatre ... . The middle proportion is ARE citizens who WERE born in Australia come to AND VISITED THE zoo at around 42% and theatre at 20%. The lowest percentage is ARE original migrants who WERE born in other countries, THEY drop in to THE zoo at ...

In contrast, at first glance , there are inverse IS A REVERSE pattern of proportion... Australia who visit to library and cinema. T... come to library is a ARE new migrants who WERE born in other states at around 54% and the lowest is ARE residents who WERE born i... Australia who visit cinema is inhabitant who born in Australia ARE NATURAL BORN AUSTRALIANS at 70% and the lowest is ARE original migrants who WERE born in o...

Undergraduate / "From Childhood" - Statement of Purpose - SCAD (BFA in Animation) [3]

Pranav, your statement of purpose veers more into the realm of a personal statement. A statement of purpose should discuss more than just the development of your interest in the field of animation. It should tell the reviewer more than just your desire to create your foundation in the field. Your statement of purpose needs to tell the reviewer about your vision for your future.

This vision should include not only your plans for employment, but the kind of thinking that you have regarding your craft. Explain how you wish to use the foundation you will be receiving to develop a more cutting edge animation style. Let the reviewer know that you plan to push the envelop of your basic foundation in order to discover what other secrets the world of animation has hidden from normal view.

You need to discuss these sorts of topics in your statement of purpose in order to set yourself apart from the other applicants. All of you will be discussing how this will be the foundation for your future career. Therefore, you need to go a step further by developing a more compelling purpose for your enrollment. Maybe you want to create the next Pixar Animated Studio. Maybe you want to develop animation in a way that Disney Animation did for Frozen, only one or two steps better. Think of a big purpose, and then discuss how this will be the foundation for that higher dream :-)

Graduate / Graduate application for pursuing LLM after failing the Bar exam. [6]

Sayeda, you are not being asked to explain any academic failure that you have had in the past. You are not being asked to justify what happened either. So I cannot understand why you are discussing such an unrelated event in your statement of purpose. There is nothing in what you have written which could be considered a "purpose" for higher study. It is nothing more than an academic failure statement which makes it unusable for a statement of purpose.

Since you are wishing to study a masters degree, thee is no need to discuss the failure that you had in the past. The reviewer will not be interested in that. What does interest him, is the reason for your desire for higher study. For example, do you want to work at the International Court of Justice? Do you wish to represent people on a global level? think about the reasons why you want to become an international lawyer. Forget that you failed the bar for now. That is an exam you can retake anytime you are ready to.

Instead, focus your energy on explaining why you are a good candidate for a masters degree. It is important that you do not call the attention of the reviewer to your failure because, and you have to believe me on this, he will most likely remember that you failed the bar exam rather than the other accomplishments or purpose that you have for studying a masters degree.

Your statement of purpose lacks substance that is relevant to the application. It would be in your best interest to revise the whole essay at this point, making sure that you change the focus to your accomplishments rather than your failure. After all, why would any university want a failure for a student? Don't mention the failed bar exam unless explicitly asked to do so.

Writing Feedback / People are extremely straightforward in creating a close relationship and maintain it in a good way [3]

Muhammad, when you give an example such as Eid Mubarak and Christmas, in support of the discussion that implies how electronic media has had a negative effect on people's lives, you should be sure to explain why this is so in detail. What have you personally observed regarding the two holidays which has led to the claim that the electronic gadgets entice a negative development in the relationship of people? In order to ensure a better score, you always have to present clear examples based on personal experience. While the personal experience is optional, the explanation is not.

You need to tighten your conclusion. What I mean to say by that is that the conclusion is not as strong as it should be. The summary of the discussion, along with the other expected representations in a proper and strong conclusion do not exist in what you wrote. It is also, one sentence too short. Always aim for at least 3 sentences per paragraph, regardless of what essay you are writing about. a complete conclusion can never be presented in shorter sentences.

Writing Feedback / The frantic beat of a broken heart [4]

Or when your bony white hands, blood frozen by the bitter winter frost?
- What happened in this instance? The previous sentences indicated clear occurrences to the person. This question lacks information in order for the reader to relate to the question.

Kate, I am not sure of the format nor of what kind of writing you are doing here. Are you writing a poem? an introductory paragraph to a Gothic story? Or maybe you are writing a fictional reflective piece? Whatever it is that you are trying to do, you are not doing a very good job at it.

The formatting of the paper alone is a big mess. You should have these grouped by question, discussion, location, or event depicted at the very least. Right now, the setting, who is talking, why is there such a discussion, and what the ending of all this should lead up to is unclear. Perhaps you can throw in some hints for the reader, just to give us an idea as to the background of the story. If we know that, we can better follow the events as they unfold. Don't forget to fix the formatting problems though. That will also help us to better keep track and analyze what is going on in the story.

Writing Feedback / 1992 survey: television was popular in the evenings while radio were listened in the morning [7]

Kristy, you should repeat your writing exercise for Task. 1. You have failed to accurately develop the summary report based upon the chart provided. It is evident that you tried to use short cuts in developing the essay and the use of word fillers indicate that you did not thoroughly understand the report that you were made to read. Such failures are sure to result in a negative grade on your part. So, since this just a practice test, I will give you the chance to revise the content.

Pay close attention to your opening and closing remarks. both need to contain a complete summary of the report. The opening paragraph, should have a complete 3-5 sentence overview while the conclusion should have the same number of sentences representing the restated report. You also need to develop at least 2 more body paragraphs in order to deliver a better summarized report to the examiner. Anything shorter than 4 paragraphs tends to be lacking in overall information and compromises the quality of the paper.

Undergraduate / Keen interest in embracing a holistic and well-rounded development in my student life - extra info [2]

Andrew, here is something to keep in mind when writing an application essay. Explain it, don't list it. You always have to set examples of the tasks that you were involved in, what you had to do, any obstacles you encountered and how you resolved it. Since this is an open topic essay, you should take advantage of it by explaining more about your participation rather than just listing down your participation as bullet points. Bullet points are good when you have to submit a cover letter for a job application. It is not something that normally finds its way into a college application essay.

That said, you need to convert the bullet points into a more enlightening discussion for the reviewer. As the essay requires, you should explain your outlined participation in a connected sense regarding your major. The connection will show the reviewer that you have the ability, background, and proper foundation for the course major you have chosen. Make sure to highlight the connection whenever possible because that is the best way to call attention to your "expertise" in this field. The reviewer will also pay major attention to the points that you discuss at length because it helps him to get to know the kind of student you might become.

Writing Feedback / Number of people aged 65 and more amids USA, Sweden, and Japan for over a century. [3]

As a 25 minute essay, I have to say that you did not do a very good job with it. The essay does not follow the requirements of the test, neither does it show an expert understanding of the information that you were provided with. For starters, the overview summary is only a single sentence long. It does not contain the proper keywords, information, nor summary of the line graph information. The formatting is so incorrect that you actually came up with only a single paragraph for an essay that requires at least 3 paragraphs to be considered complete.

The time that it took you to present this information is amazingly long considering how short and incomplete the actual essay is. I suggest that next time, you try your best to complete individual paragraphs as follows:

1st paragraph - introduction, summary overview of the report
2nd paragraph - expanded illustration information
3rd paragraph - additional information if any (related to a second illustration or otherwise)
4th paragraph - conclusion

If you take the time to list or outline the information from the chart first, you will be able to develop better explanations and paragraph topics. You will also find your essay growing longer as you individualize the information provided in the charts. You will also not take 25 minutes to write this essay.

Scholarship / College/Career Goals and Reason I Should be Chosen for a Scholarship [5]

The information you now have is acceptable. However, it is not formatted properly. There is a need for you to divide the paragraphs into more coherent sections. You will find that your discussions at this point are a bit too short and can use some expansion in order to better suit your discussion.

Here is an outline of how you should divide your paragraphs in order to make the essay look longer, become more informative, and offer the reviewer an easier opportunity to read what you have to say in support of your scholarship request:

My college goal is to enter the BioSciences department ...
- Expand on your plan to conduct research projects

My desire to go into the medical field developed from the volunteer work I have done with my church's child care program... working as a pediatrician.

As a pediatrician... I will quickly earn the skills needed to do so.
-Offer examples of the solutions you hope to help develop that will also help to enhance your research and doctor skills.

I should be considered for this scholarship because I have proven to have good grades...
- This is not enough of a reason. All of the applicants have good grades. What makes you a stand out applicant? Any awards? Accolades? Published work?

I see a future where I use the knowledge...accomplishing my goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2: Inventors vs Doctors - both professions have the same significant role in people's lives. [2]

Dwi, you can strengthen your opening statement by giving the reader an overview of the reasons that you will be discussing in the essay. Rather than simply just stating that That there is such an argument, you should be stating both sides of the argument in sentence form. That way you establish the paragraph topics for your succeeding discussion.

Your discussion regarding the importance of inventors is actually lightweight at this point. Mostly because it does not relate to the importance of doctors. I you can create a logical connection between the importance of doctors and the importance of the inventions that the inventors develop for use in the medical community, such as the MRI, CT Scan, ultrasound, etc., then your line of reasoning will be logical, strengthened, and deliver a clearer connection regarding the equal importance of the two. By discussing the essay in this manner, you will be able to provide the examiner with a clear idea as to how you understood the prompt and your ability to think logically in English.

Writing Feedback / Doctors and inventors should collaborate in many aspects to bring community better life and future [4]

Linda, your discussion started off quite well. I specially like the part of your opening statement where you claimed that "I think that both of them have same role, doctors are as substantial as inventors that are interconnected." so I was expecting to read about this interconnection in the essay. However, you did not really present a discussion that connected the two fields.

You spoke of inventors as people who make out life easy. Doctor's make healthcare easy. The only connection between the two is the word "easy". You did not really manage to portray the interconnection that you claimed the two professions have in your essay. So this weakened your discussion.

In order to strengthen the line of reasoning that you presented, you need to think of ways that inventors and doctors are similar and in the process, present the presumed connection between the two which makes life easier for everyone. Think outside the box in this instance. The connection between the two has to do with the technology involved in healthcare. Look for the discussion connection in that field.

Writing Feedback / Violence and crime increase among teenagers as a consequence of playing violent games? [5]

Thao, regardless of the grammar probloems in your essay, I have to say that the development of your discussion is weak, ill informed, and will definitely not serve to prove that you a clear understanding of the topic and a passing ability to use the English language. This essay is so badly written that it will not pass the actual test.

None of the reasons that you presented are completely developed. There is a lack of accurate discussion and information in the overall essay. You neglected to present acceptable evidence because you were not able to support your claims in the proper manner throughout your discussion. Aside from that, there is even the problem of formatting in your essay.

Your essay does not follow the guidelines for a properly developed essay. You need to create individual paragraphs because you have separate paragraph topics being presented in the essay. Each paragraph should be represented by a thorough and fully developed discussion of the idea you presented. Lengthen the discussion. That is the way that you can prove your English abilities to the examiner. Short essays mean uncertainty on your part. so make it longer and show confidence in your English language usage skills.

Writing Feedback / PROPORTION OF FOSSIL FUELS CONSUMPTION IN THE US AND THE UK [2]

Your understanding of the chart is quite evident. As always, there are just certain confusing times in your essay when it comes to word usage. In your desire to prove that you have a wide English vocabulary, you sometimes use the wrong terms to describe a situation or status of people. Those are problems that you can overcome as you get used to writing your reports in English and you become more comfortable with the use of the English language.

... per three different earning incomeS among citizens ... the poor LOWER INCOME CLASS consume much MORE fuel than middle and rich ones THE MIDDLE AND UPPER CLASS ONES, ... low incomes spend less ON petrol ...

... in the United Kingdom consume USE petrol at approximately 0,5 to 2,7 percent of usage . In ON THE contrary, the poor in the US spendON petrol with reaching a high AT A RATE of 5,2%. ... fossil fuel AT around 4%-5% (the US) and 2,7%-4% (the UK).

... are virtually THE same where WITH the rich people in the UK utilize much SPENDING MORE ON petrol oil at around 3-4 percent % rather than wealthy people in the US at just around 2% to 4%.

Writing Feedback / The pattern of hybrid cars sale (2006-2008) was dominated by USA, while Japan controlled year 2009. [5]

So far so good. The report is average in presentation and delivers all of the expectations for this type of report summary. The grammar problems are almost negligible because the logic behind the statements you made were still clear. However, I took the liberty of polishing the essay for you so that you will be able to see the potential you have to become a better writer.

... The pattern of sales during FROM 2006 until 2008 were WAS dominated by the US, while in 2009 Japan showed A global domination of transport sales.

... the first three years during that period of time witnessed A similar pattern, which was THAT most of THE vehicles that u... e sold by IN the US. ... THE US contributed 250,000 of that THE SALES, whilst WHILE Japan ... above 50,000 transportation . 2007 saw the largest US sales by US , which was 300,000. However, in the next year this number was smaller, DECREASED and mean while Japan and other countries steadily rose from the beginning .

... Japan sold THE most number of hybrid transport, which was aproximately AT APPROXIMATELY 325,000 units. ... times larger than those in THAT OF 2006.

Writing Feedback / With the exception in 2009, The US had the highest sale number of hybrid transportation [4]

Try to build a bit more on your vocabulary. Widen your word choices. Since this is a practice test, you can still use a synonym reference book or online source to help you vary and teach you about identical word usage. Don't miss out on the opportunity to learn how to increase your knowledge of the English language.

... sales of hybrid transport CARS in Japan, US and other ... with the exception in OF 2009, The US had the highest number of hybrid transportation AUTOMOTIVE sales rather than WHEN COMPARED TO other countries.

... the hybrid vehicles were sold WERE approximately 250,000 ...sold only around 50,000.... sales in 2007 in which there was a WITH A dramatic increase to 350,000. m Meanwhile Japan ...

... there was a drop in the US SALES ... 100,000 hybrid transports CARS were sold respectively in Japan and other countries. ... in DURING the last year... above 100,000, the lowest number in FOR that year.

Writing Feedback / The source shows the sale of hybrid vehicles in the world from 2006 to 2009 [4]

Adie, while your discussion is concise and can be appreciated for its distinct length and information style, you were not able to provide the expectations of the examiner when it comes to divulging information regarding the illustrated chart that you were given to dissect and report upon.

Your opening paragraph can use more detailed information in relation to the keywords mentioned in the essay. Always remember that the overview will allow you to better discuss and direct the body of the essay. So you should not take shortcutrs when indicating the summarized information that you will be presenting. The summary serves as the guideline for the reader and the rest of the essay.

Try to lengthen the discussion that you present per paragraph in order to highlight your English comprehension skills. By writing more information or better developing your paragraphs, you will also be able to display a heightened sense of English based logic and discussion abilities. Those are important aspects of your English skills that need to be displayed in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that the great device to communicate people should be internet [3]

Siti, I have a question for you. Why are you discussing the ability of the internet to keep people in contact with each other when the prompt is asking you to give your opinion as to whether the internet is the best place to get information? You did not accurately understand the prompt requirements and went off tangent by presenting an opinion that is not in accordance with the question being asked of you. Therefore, you have a flawed opening statement and thesis statement. This means that this paper will get a low score, based upon the problematic presentation of the prompt requirements.

You concentrated your discussion on the way that the internet serves as a communication tool for people when the real argument was supposed to be centered upon the ability of the internet to provide accurate information. Keep in mind that the last part of the essay prompt held the actual instruction for your writing. The first part was just an introduction for comparison purposes.

Facebook is not the correct example to use in this essay. The best example would have been either Wikipedia or any search engine. Maybe even the websites themselves since some of them sell advertising instead of offering useful information. You should have given more thought to understanding the prompt and using more relevant examples and discussion tools.

Writing Feedback / Most employers interview candidates before hiring them [2]

Sharfina, watch out for those tricky capitalization problems. Only proper nouns should be capitalized so the word Job doesn't need to be capitalized. Never say "I will come up with..." as part of your opening statement. You are not being asked to do that by the prompt. Instead, you should speak with certainty and a strong opinion in this part of the essay.

Overall, you have managed to provide a pretty impressive essay. Your discussion mentions facts and figures with verifiable sources. This will prove to the examiner that you have an analytical mind which has the ability to decipher the information you come across. While there are some grammatical errors in the essay, I would not worry about it so much. The essay delivers on all grading rubic points so you are assured that this essay would have passed an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, e-learning becomes one of popular studying methods at university [2]

Fariz, please complete your opening statement by indicating your personal opinion regarding the topic statement. It is a requirement of the instructions and it is the only part missing in your introduction at this point. Yes, the lack of your opinion weakened the opening statement and, would have resulted in points deductions in an actual test. Always complete the information of the introductory statement if you want to increase your chances for the highest possible score.

Remove your opinion from the concluding statement. Your opinion should be as fully developed as the other body paragraphs of the essay. It should not be a mere reference point in the overall paper. By adding your opinion to the conclusion, you presented a weak and unacceptable opinion. In fact, you presented an opinion that the examiner will not consider because it broke the paragraph development and formatting rules of the essay. Don't expect to get a good score on this essay, even as a practice test. You just omitted too many important factors for it to garner an acceptable score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: my view about the usefulness of doctors versus inventors [2]

Angga, you have a pretty good essay discussion going here. The examples that you used are relevant and easily understandable. There is a clear real relationship between the medical profession and that of being an inventor. Your examples have made your essay not only strong and verifiable, but also informative and analytical in a way.

Regardless of the grammar problems, I do not see this essay as failing in an actual test situation. That is because the discussion that you presented was properly developed and showed a clear line of logic as you developed the paper. If I had to critique any part of this essay, it would have to be the conclusion.

Your conclusion is the least developed of the essay. Containing only 2 sentences, it lacks one more sentence to be considered halfway developed. The information that you present also calls into question whether you are merely summarizing the content of the essay (as required) or if you were uniquely presenting some new and additional information in a part of the essay where you should not be doing that. An improved conclusion will allow you garner an even higher score than this essay currently qualifies for.

Undergraduate / I would continue one of my greatest passions - tennis (if forced to choose one of my activities) [2]

Nathan, your response is clear and provides the reviewer with an idea as to how tennis can help you become a better adjusted and high performing student at the university in the future. I wish that you had indicated some information in the essay about how you would like to join to the tennis team of the university (if one exists) or perhaps how you want to start one (if one doesn't exist) because of the benefits that playing tennis offers students.

You have some slight grammatical errors that I feel need to addressed below:

... Being part of the club tennis team TENNIS TEAM DURING in my first semester... great platform on WITH which to meet ... incredibly helpful to ease IN EASING my transition into ... dislikes exercising in the gym GYM EXERCISES... , tennis was IS my primary method... Perhaps most importantly, however , playing tennis allows me to continue enjoying one of my passions; tennis has been a large part of my life thus far, and I envision it will continue to be for quite a while. A MORE RELAXED AND ADJUSTED COLLEGE LIFE AS I CONTINUE MY EDUCATION.

I edited the last sentence because it was just redundant without offering any new meaning. You can opt to change the last sentence content instead.

Writing Feedback / From the whole world music, traditional one is genuinely meaningful and should be preserved. [2]

Rahmat, your opening statement would have been helped by the presentation of a pro and con opinion regarding the thesis prompt. this would have been more in line with the expected discussion format of this kind of essay. By the way, your opinion is incorrect at the end of the thesis statement. You are being asked to give an opinion as to the importance of traditional music in the international music scenario. You are not being asked whether traditional music is important or not.

While the essay discussion that you presented in the second paragraph is good, the third paragraph deviated from the prompt topic as you compared the listening styles involved in various music settings. Which is nowhere near discussing the importance or lack of importance of traditional music in a country. Why do you think traditional music should be promoted alongside international music? Is it important to keep traditional music alive? Why do you think that? Those are the questions that you should be answering alongside the prompt analogy regarding the importance of listening to traditional music.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the alteration of the global sales of hybrid vehicles - four-year period [2]

Mita, you need to improve the composition of your opening statement. As a report overview, you are expected to deliver the key information in the chart within 3-5 sentences. As of now, your opening statement falls short if the informative requirements of this type of essay writing.

Your essay format is too tight on the page. Try to clearly show that you have 3 separate paragraphs, at a minimum in your next essay by using the enter key to separate the lines. Yes, line breaks are very important in the formatting of your essay as it offers the examiner a better chance to read and understand what you have to say.

The rest of your presentation is complete and acceptable. However, you have a tendency to over summarize the data you have. Always try to go for the long form of the presentation just to make the report more informative and assure the examiner of your logical thinking and writing abilities in English. When the essay is too short, as in this case, it seems like you have a limited ability to use the English language and could result in a lower grade.

Graduate / Political knowledge structure and understanding of communication; Master in Political Science SOP [3]

Kseniya, your statement of purpose would be most informative if you included an employment purpose for your desire for higher studies. Aside from your interest in further research for specific fields of law, what is your short or long term career plan that will benefit from this advanced form of study? I know you only have 100 words to work with so you will need to remove the word fillers or irrelevant statements in the essay. Some of the portions that I suggest you delete include:

Finishing my BA I've understood... MA Program in Political Science.

if you remove this part and open the essay with your interest in research, you will have more than enough word count to better illustrate your purpose for higher study in relation to your actual career. Don't limit your statement of purpose to a purely academic sense. An MA student always has a higher career goal in mind in relation to his MA studies. So make sure you reflect the same in your statement of purpose.

Writing Feedback / Untalented Children in artistic learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school [2]

Sharfina, you mention that a child should be pulled out of art classes in order to help them avoid feeling depressed because they do not have the talent for arts. At the end of the essay, you again repeat this statement by indicating that the child should be pulled out of art class so the child will not feel worthless. There are two problems with your argument.

First of all, since you provided a line of reasoning regarding preventing the feeling of depression for non-artistically incline students, you should have rendered a discussion of that topic within the body of paragraphs. You did not represent that line of reasoning at all and instead, offered unrelated facts and opinions. You must always remember that any claims you make in your thesis statement must be found within the essay itself. Your inability to represent a more thorough discussion of that opinion makes the opening thesis confusing. There is no sense in mentioning an opinion of you are not willing to further develop that discussion in the latter part of the essay.

Second, you should know by now that offering a totally new reason in the conclusion, in this case that is the "worthlessness" of a student, will be frowned upon by the examiner and result in a format deviation on your part which, for sure, will affect your final grade. You were not able to properly develop that line of reasoning because you made it part of the conclusion, which made the essay seem to end on an illogical note. There was no sense of closure in your essay.

You know what it will take for your score to improve in this essay. I suggest that you do it so that you can have a better chance at a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : CAN OUTFIT APPEARANCE SHOWS SOMEONE'S CHARACTER? [3]

Mardy, the prompt clearly states that you must indicate your personal opinion on the topic, aside from presenting the two sides of the argument for discussion. Therefore, you opening statement should contain a restated prompt, an opposing line of reason, a supporting line of reason, and your personal opinion on the matter. Closing the opening statement by saying that you will discuss both points of view in the essay is not sufficient. You were required to indicate an opinion as part of the opening statement and yet you failed to do so. Any instructions that you are unable to reflect in the essay will give the opinion that you lack the basic English comprehension skills necessary to properly complete the test. Expect to immediately enter into the low score bracket for this essay due to that one missing element of the essay alone.

What makes matters even worse for the final score of your essay is the fact that, just like the other test takers who disregard the proper formatting requirements of the test, you are discussing your personal opinion as a concluding statement to the paper. Your opinion is not meant to be the closing statement of the paper. It is meant to have its own properly developed paragraph instead. By using your opinion to close the essay, you have not followed the correct format instructions and again, have proven your inability to develop a written English paper in the proper form. Which means to say that you are unable to follow English worded instructions, which translates into a regrettably low score for this essay.

You are still doing practice tests. So I suggest that you train yourself in the proper ways and means of developing an IELTS essay. You need to make sure that you display an ability to understand English instructions and properly develop a logical English essay. This essay doesn't do that for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : IS JUDGING PERSONALITY FROM CLOTHES RIGHT TO BE JUSTIFIED? [3]

Anissa, while I will commend you for developing a good discussion. You failed to represent the complete prompt instructions in your essay. You were supposed to state the two sides of the issue in the restated prompt portion of the essay. The discussion should have indicated that you would be looking into the side that supports the idea that clothes define a person, then the side that believes that people cannot be judged by clothes, before presenting your opinion at the end of the opening statement. Consider the opening statement half complete in this case. Therefore, the score will also be half or less of what it should actually be, even with your grammar issues involved.

If you read further down in your essay, you will notice that you also lack a paragraph that represents the opposing side. The one that believes that people cannot be judged by their clothes. That paragraph should have been placed before your opinion because your personal line of reasoning was meant to help increase the validity of the claim. That additional paragraph would have increased the score of this essay by a large number.

It is important to remember to refer to the original prompt as you write the essay. That way you can double check your work for prompt responsiveness and assure yourself that you have followed all of the instructions given and have met all of the prompt requirements. Those are very simple things you can do to help increase the score in this exam and yet a number of students often forget to do this as part of their practice tests. I suggest that you train yourself to do this in order to increase your score chances.

Undergraduate / Pre-Medical Post Bacc Personal Statement- Why med school? Any critiques/input are welcome :) [2]

Taniya, you should expand upon the part about your volunteering for with Doctors Without Walls Santa Barbara Street Medicine. This exposure seems to be the turning point for your interest in medicine so you should discuss what your participation was in the group, how you felt as a volunteer, and what you were able to do to help alleviate the health woes of others. You have to prove to the reviewer that you have the "heart" of a doctor. This would be the best way to do it.

I suggest that you remove the word fillers at the beginning of the essay. You know, the part that starts with " The medical profession attracts a certain type of person..." and ends with "I want to practice medicine. "That does not really have a direct relation to you so it would be best to just remove it. I also have some suggestions for the next part of your essay.

In the part where you discuss the "beauty and the beast" of the healthcare profession, don't discuss the marvels of medical science in this part. Instead, discuss you own "best" experience when seeking doctor care, and the "beast" of an experience that you have when you need to deal with red tape in getting medical care. These experiences will tie in better with the story of your father's overdose. Your personal experience, added to the experience of your father will better enhance the reasons as to why you would want to become a physician in the future.

Undergraduate / QUEENS COMMERCE SUPP. ESSAY - Pick a job and describe impact/greatest learning outcome [3]

Christina, what is the word limit on your essay? It seems like you wrote this in a rush so you were not able to properly depict the aspects of the prompt that could have helped to introduce you better to the reviewer. I speak of the second paragraph where you begin to discuss the difficulties of mixing job training, actual job performance, and your academic life. In order for the reviewer to understand the lessons that you learned, he must understand what obstacles you had to overcome, which taught you these lessons. You can't just give him an overview or summary of what your early work life was. You need to actually tell him the situations you were involved in.

If you would like, you can pick the most trying situation that you found yourself in, explain what happened, how you reacted, and the lesson you learned from it. That way you truly depict the prompt demand of picking a job and then describing the greatest learning impact that you got out of it. One specific story told is better than a generalized statement meant to encompass all your experiences and lessons.

This essay still has room for development, which is why I made the suggestions above. I hope that you consider them for the further improvement of your personal statement. It has the potential to be very good. Right now, it is just average. So let's bat for very good to excellent :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - Money Spent on Books - France and Austria spent the most [2]

... money spent on books in some countries . THE PERIOD INDICATED INCLUDES THE YEARS from 1995 to 2005 and is measured in THE millions of US dollars. ... be seen that, France and Austria showED AN the upward trend along WITHIN THE period, but Germany and Italy experienceD a fluctuation over 11 years.

- I had to place a period at the end of your first sentence in order to create a longer overview that aligns itself with the minimum 3 sentence requirement. You had only 2 long sentences in this paragraph and that was just unacceptable in terms of formatting.

... Austria spent THE most money on books. T... similar level during OVER 3 years. Then, in 1999, France, 1999 saw ... around 10 MILLION FOR BOOK EXPENSES. , but WHILE Austria witnessed a levelling LEVELING off at 40 MILLION in that year until 2001. Afterwards, Money spent on book MONEY SPENT ON BOOKS in France rise ROSE slightly for... Austria increaseD ITS EXPENSES dramatically from 2001 to 2005.

... on books in Germany saw A small growth... to 1999, but then . THIS fell steadily ... sudden rise IN EXPENSES from 2003 to 2005. ... a slow increase during FOR 2 years, but then declined slowly TO EXPENSES OF approximately 50 MILLION between 1997... was A STEADY increased steadily to around 65 MILLION at the end of THE period.

Writing Feedback / The drawbacks and detrimental points of Fairmont Island visit assessed by some tourists [3]

The drawbacks of regularly positive and detrimental points ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES of LIVING ON Fairmont Island AS assessed by some tourists is illustrated in THE pie chart and measured in percentageS. ... the greatest percentage of demerit NEGATIVES WERE was the expensiveness of living price THE COST OF LIVING. Conversely, the inhabitants gained the highest proportion of the benefits.

Regarding to the first figure, visitors surveyed REVEALED that the... living expenses for AT 45%. It was followed by entertaining programs which obtained less than a third of all sections. At at 20%, the . THE climate was the third largest HIGHEST level OF MAJOR CONCERN while meal quality was the least number for AT only 5%.

... ... the scenery that gained less than two-fifths (USE PERCENTAGE FIGURES. BE CONSISTENT. DON'T CHANGE DATA FORMATS MIDSTREAM.) . The remaining figures shared almost THE equal number as the minority which were 11% and 12% for ...

Writing Feedback / Blood sports - the cruel killings of helpless animals should be banned. To what extent do you agree? [5]

Dang, your introduction is acceptable. It is a good start. However, you need to better develop your opening statement. It does not totally reflect the restated prompt based upon the given discussion. I would have phrased the opening statement in the following manner:

It is said that man has come a long way from his barbaric life during ancient times. Yet, blood sports involving cruelty to animals such as dog fighting and hunting, continue to proliferate in our modern times. While society claims to be developing, there are still those who enjoy engaging in blood sports, which is why it has become a topic of debate in recent years. I am of the opinion that there should not be any exceptions to the clamor to have blood sports banned. If man wishes to prove he has become civilized, then he must no longer engage in cruel blood sports. I will discuss my reasons for opinion further in the succeeding paragraphs.

Take note, I made sure to use the keywords provided in the prompt in order to clue in the examiner as to how well I understood the discussion and the prompt requirements. The restated prompts always need to contain the keywords in order to show a proper understanding of the prompt and allow for a better developed restated thesis.

Writing Feedback / The annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria from 1995 to 2005 (in million $) [3]

The line graph ilustrates ILLUSTRATES the annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria. THE ILLUSTRATION COVERS THE PERIOD from 1995 to 2005, and is measured in millionS OF US dollars. ... showed a slight drop in WITHIN THE a decade.

- Your overview was lacking one sentence to make it a completely rendered summary of the report. I just divided one sentence into two to fix that problem. Make sure to always provide the minimum 3 sentence requirement in the paragraphs in order to not affect your final score.

Austria and France seem to raised their books expenditures ... For a more detailed analysis, in 1995 Austria spent $30 MILLION (Always indicate the value of money. The reader will tend to forget even if you mentioned it before. The lack of monetary value means you are offering incomplete information). for books, which . THIS was the least amount SPENT among the three othereuropean European countries. ... increased during OVER THE four following years then it remains AND REMAINED unchanged until IN 2001. ... this county beated Italy in the amount of books expenditures ... jump by OF $20 MILLION and this amount tended to rise until reach WHICH ROSE TO a peak at OF $70 MILLION in 2005. ... which showed a small increased of $20 MILLION in the end of the peroid PERIOD.

Although Germany and Italy also spent much SUBSTANTIVE AMOUNTS OF money... GermanY tended ... the amount stood at $80 MILLION and rose until 1999.... saw a fall by OF $5 MILLION in 2003 and rose again to $95 MILLION LATER ON. On the other hand FINALLY, Italy experienced its A small plunge in 1999 ... steadily increaseD to more than $60 MILLION in 2005.

Writing Feedback / Blood sports - the cruel killings of helpless animals should be banned. To what extent do you agree? [5]

Much better. The salient points of the essay prompt are represented. It offers a clear insight into the original prompt and offers a background for the discussion that will enlighten the examiner. More importantly, the way that you structured the introduction at this point displays your potential to understand the English language and shows off your comprehension abilities. The writing skills that you display, based upon the introduction, can also be deemed to be that of a moderate English learner.

That said, I cannot totally judge the way that your essay will be scored. Keep in mind that you had help in writing the introduction so the quality of the essay may change in the later portions because those will be written solely by you already. You already know how to write the polished essay based upon the example of the introduction. Try to use it as your pattern for writing the rest of the essay. It should not be hard because your discussion points are clearly stated and referred to in the opening statement.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, you need to better direct your opening statement in order to properly respond to the prompt. So here is my suggested introduction for you:

I look to the skies and planets beyond our immediate galaxy for my studies in Aerospace Engineering. Inspired by the successes of Niel Armstrong and SpaceX, I wish to pursue a career that will allow me to help our space program develop to the point where space travel will become as ordinary as riding a car, just that my developed vehicles will travel light years into space, reaching new human settlements on Mars and Kepler 652. This is the dream that I hope to turn into a reality through the study of this program.

That is 512 words in total. Use the remaining word count to explain your vision for space travel in the next paragraph and then relate the development of that vehicle to your interest in this program. Basically, you have to explain how this program, through research and future study, will allow you to help man settle in other worlds. That is the vision you have and that is the reason for your interest in this program of study. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need help in developing the latter part as well. I'm here to help.

Undergraduate / Describe how you envision your two years in the Haas undergraduate program. Impact on peers. [2]

Melissa, you have a perfect start in response to the requirement of the prompt. However, you are too focused on the academic aspect of your life at Berkley. this is evident in the way that you will opt to join a student organization that still focuses on your field of interest and your desire to push for a better training experience through it. That is the tone that your essay carries throughout and that is the weak point of the essay.

While you were right to refer to an academic organization membership in relation to your 2 year plans at the university. That should not be the sole focus of your response. Note that the prompt is open in topic choice so you could go academic or social in response. A balance response to the prompt, would have shown both an academic and extra curricular interest or development over the next 2 years. After all, you are at the university to enhance both your intellectual and emotional I.Q. to better prepare you for your professional career. This is your chance to create your future professional network. So don't focus on the academic development of your university life alone.

Balance out the discussion by offering an interest in the non-academic side of your development at the school as well. that should take the place of your discussion about why the Haas business school is your dream school. That is not required information anyway and should not be placed in this essay. The prompt has specific requirements and only your balanced response to the question should be presented to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 2 : The advantages of supervision equipments that outweigh the disadvantages in society. [2]

Anissa, always give an aura of professionalism in all of your written work. Regardless of the kind of essya tha tyou are trying to write, you should never place the whole URL within the essay. If you will be allowed to use a clickable format for the link, then create a clickable link. Otherwise, just provide a description of the video, its title, and the social media site where it can be found. The full URL that you posted destroyed the format of the essay.

Next, you have to remember that there is a 3 paragraph minimum requirement for essays. So obviously, this essay doesn't fall under the required parameters. You know what that can mean for your final score. In fact, the restated prompt of the essay is not clear at all, Neither is the discussion that you are providing. This is a very badly written and developed essay that will not garner you a passing score in the end. Please revise this essay while you have a chance to do so as it is only a practice test essay.