vangiespen
Feb 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SOLUTION AND PROBLEM FROM MAINTAINING A SUCCESSFUL WORKER AND HAPPY FAMILY TIME [4]
Dynar, there is an existing conflict in your discussion. As part of your thesis statement, you have indicated that one of the possible solutions to the problem would be to have people prioritize their desires in order to prevent fatigue. If you review your essay, you will see that you did not discuss prioritizing desires in order to prevent fatigue. Instead, you spoke of a "priority list" that business executives have which they follow in order to help lessen the stress of their workload. I did not see any mention of this list int he opening statement, so why is it being discussed in the essay? Where in the essay did you speak of prioritizing your desires on order to alleviate stress? I don't believe I saw any discussion of that topic at all in your essay.
While you did discuss the professional opinion that forcing the brain to multitask could result in problems for the workers, you did not really accurately discuss the points that you presented in your opening statement. That is a major problem in your essay and, in the point of view of an examiner, shows a lack of focus and ability to create a fluid and inclusive discussion in English on your part. Always keep in mind that if you say it in the opening statement, you have to discuss it in the body of the essay. Otherwise, your essay will be deemed incomplete.
I am not saying that you cannot change or add to the discussion that you presented. What I am telling you, is that you need to first discuss the obvious reasons that you included in the opening statement before further adding information to the essay. Doing so will result in a stronger essay, a better developed English response, and prove your ability to discuss in English at great and proper length. Thus causing a better score for you at the end of the test.
Dynar, there is an existing conflict in your discussion. As part of your thesis statement, you have indicated that one of the possible solutions to the problem would be to have people prioritize their desires in order to prevent fatigue. If you review your essay, you will see that you did not discuss prioritizing desires in order to prevent fatigue. Instead, you spoke of a "priority list" that business executives have which they follow in order to help lessen the stress of their workload. I did not see any mention of this list int he opening statement, so why is it being discussed in the essay? Where in the essay did you speak of prioritizing your desires on order to alleviate stress? I don't believe I saw any discussion of that topic at all in your essay.
While you did discuss the professional opinion that forcing the brain to multitask could result in problems for the workers, you did not really accurately discuss the points that you presented in your opening statement. That is a major problem in your essay and, in the point of view of an examiner, shows a lack of focus and ability to create a fluid and inclusive discussion in English on your part. Always keep in mind that if you say it in the opening statement, you have to discuss it in the body of the essay. Otherwise, your essay will be deemed incomplete.
I am not saying that you cannot change or add to the discussion that you presented. What I am telling you, is that you need to first discuss the obvious reasons that you included in the opening statement before further adding information to the essay. Doing so will result in a stronger essay, a better developed English response, and prove your ability to discuss in English at great and proper length. Thus causing a better score for you at the end of the test.