Undergraduate / ADHD, Dyslexia - UBC Sauder School of Business - Personal Profile Essay [3]

There should be 2 outcomes and lessons learned presented based on the current information presentation. This was effectively presented for the ADHD aspect but not for the prefect activity and content writer references. If the minimum word requirement has been met by the ADHD reference then you can stop there. It checks off all the necessary info requirements and is a very strong reference point. If you need to produce more words then adjust the remaining sections to include outcomes and learning you recieved from the said activities. You could take on the angle of an ADHD crusader if you wish, with more outcomes appearing as your participation deepened. There is no limit on the outcome you produced in relation to the cause.

Undergraduate / My friends and family hold great trust in me and would describe me as ... [3]

The first paragraph is a reference to your idea of who you are. It does not refer to an opinion for the specified parties. This introduction is not needed in a word limited essay. Delete it. You may skip directly to the joint discussion instead. Although, the joint discussion defeats the purpose of the statement. The idea is to allow the removeus to get to know your multi-faceted character based upon how differently various people interact with you. While the combined insight is easier to write, it makes you hold back on character development. Try to individualize this point of view aspect for a wider character presentation.


Do not include personal notes. The opinions have to come from other parties.

You can use the "proud of" reference as is.

Undergraduate / My foundation for the future. International Relations Personal Statement [2]

A personal statement should help the reviewer understand the basis of your interest in International Relations. It should not be a history lesson for him. This essay has the potential to be a proper statement if the with refocuses the narrative. The aspects that should be developed are:

- Your first exposure to l.R.
- How you felt at that time
- The turning point that made you decide this is the career for you
- Activities and participation that serve as your I.R. foundation
- Why you believe the university you have chosen can give you a good career start.

There was no specification as to if you are applying for a masters or undergrad course admission. The advice is relevant to an undergrad admissions process.

Scholarship / Said Foundation - notable achievement [3]

Provide a longer background regarding your job title and responsibilities at the time. It is important to indicate this information as it will explain why, as a rank and file employee, you had access to the manager. It will also shed light on why you had such complete access to the system. Detailing the obstacle/s you had to overcome to succeed would also indicate additional reasons as to why you are proud of this achievement.

The language used is too simplistic and elementary for an English language writer. It lacks a professional love that comes with a well developed narrative. In fact, the paragraph presentations are too short. Since there is no word limit indicated, the presentations should be longer and more descriptive.

Writing Feedback / More funds needed to uncover planets that could be a suitable accommodation for human [2]


You are the writer. This is your opinion. You are not analyzing the point of view of someone else. Refer to yourself in this paragraph via first person pronoun usage. The opinion requirement is for your personal point of view. This is a reference opinion waccuracy and will be marked down inthe preliminary score.


Did you make up the topic on your own? It would appear so since the A/D discussion does not ask for the writer's personal opinion. Only the "Discuss both views" requires that. You have created a prompt for yourself that will never be applied to an actual task 2 topic. You will not learn anything applicable to task 2 writing with this exercise so I will not be evaluating it.

Writing Feedback / Benefits of daily exercise [2]

The content of the presentation is strong when it comes to topic presentations. However, it is weak in terms of discussion development. Without knowing what the writing instructions are, I would have to say that the problems of this presentation refer to:

- Presentation formatting
- Discussion development

consider the 2 problem points as inter-related. Solving the formatting mistake will fix the discussion development. By providing seperate paragraphs anchored on various benefit topics, the writer will be able to better develop the provided reasons based on an expanded discussion format. There are different topics presented that need individual paragraph development. some of these topics are:

Doing exercise regularly brings about many noteworthy positive effects on people's health including physical health and mental health.
- A stronger expanded introduction would create more interest for the reader


-This is a properly developed paragraph but loses clarity because of the jumbled format.

The writer can pretty much assess the topic sentences for himself, then separating and developing each paragraph.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Application: Personal Statement - Global Markets, Local Creativities - Study Track B [2]


This is an unproven claim that should not be included in this essay. It is a sensationalist topic that does nothave any relevance to the motivation by which the applicant is motivated to apply for the course.The EM scholarship is apolitical. It stays away from controversial topics and the reviewers will not be appreciative of any student who ' has a politicized application topic or motivation for applying. Remove that reference. Focus on Covid-19, without political considerations.


Focus this paragraph on how the master's course will apply or applies to the development on your country. Do not discuss the world, refer a discussion to the global impact on your country since it is your countrymen you wish to help.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - A GENERAL EDUCATION VERSUS VOCATIONAL EDUCATION - merits and demerits [2]

The discussion format is the main reasons why this essay may avoid a passing score. Based on the task requirement, the discussion is to focus solely on one type of educational system. The 2 reasons involved must be angled towards the applicability of the learning style to today's world. While the writer chose a particular academic style for the opinion presentation, there was a failure to properly defend, via applicable discussion points, the writers point of view.

For some reason, the writer opted to use a comparative discussion presentation. Effectively saying that both styles have strong suits even as attention is called to drawbacks. The whole point of the essay was simply to justify why her educational style choice in most applicable to today's world. Rather than having 2 supporting paragraphs, there is only 1. So the discussion has 2 Task lowering errors:

- Incorrect response presentation
- Under developed reasoning discussion

The discussion pointh presented are clear and logical for the intentions of the writer. The problem, is that only 1 out of 2 paragraphs addresses the discussion requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - life expectancy and a balanced society [3]


Avoid over-exaggerations that show a lack of historical knowledge. People have managed to live over a century in the past, though it was not as common as it is these days.To avoid such errors, never use a time frame reference for this and other similar discussion themes.


Try to use genderless third person pronouns instead. They, them are quite acceptabh in these essays and are part and parcel of the GRA scoring considerations. By default though , the unknown gender is always a male so "he" would have been the more solid and less confusing gender reference.


A much better and clearer discussion reference point. keep the neutral gender tone in your future essays.


Do not deviate from the topic focus.This is an unrelated topic and needs further discussion, seperately. It will not be scored.

Writing Feedback / Adolescents' free time must be spent on doing unpaid work for the community [2]


The exaggerated response is uncalled for. Use this type of response presentation only for "extent" requirement essays. For this prompt, a simple and straightforward disagreement is sufficient. Remember that to are scored or response accuracy. That includes the expected response format presentation. some deductions will apply to your response format.


This seems incorrect. The implication of your reason is that the youth already do voluntary use youth service without a mandate to do so. Therefore, the discussion presented is pointless. The use of the word "more" is what misdirected the sentence focus.

The concluding summary is not properly formatted. This should be done using 2 sentences of at least 20 words each. It should contain a summary discussion of at least 40 words to be acceptable for scoring.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

It is perfectly safe for you to post your essay here. You need not worry about plagiarism because we takes steps to ensure that such a thing will not happen to you. The first step we take is, we encourage the students to fill in the user form earnestly. Use your real name and other identfying aspects publicly that will help identify the essay with you should any questions arise. Note that your registration includes a registration date and the posting always includes the date when the post was created. These are the combined safety features that we take to ensure your essay cannot be copy pasted anywhere else. The second and final step that we recommend, is that you purchase a credit at the forum so that you can delete your essay from the public posting list. We will follow this action up with the cleaning of your post traces from our server over a short period of time. Thus totally avoiding any plagiarisn possibilities or accusations when you finally use the essay for the purpose you intend it for.

Scholarship / Chevening - Study in the UK - three university choices; Birkbeck, Goldsmiths and Salford [4]

Do not list the universities in order of priority unless you have early admission to one of them. In which case, you cannot refer to it as your priority university. Rather, it would be your "invitation to attend" or "early admission" university. It is important to give equal importance to the 3 universities because you are not sure which univeristy you may be admitted into. Give the reviewers the freedom to choose your university assignment, if you become a shortlist consideration candidate for the scholarship.

There must be a reference to what skills you will be bringing with you into each course that you have chosen. You should avoid using a combined reference at the beginning and at the end for your skills in relation to the courses. It is important that you show your relevant strengths as gained through your undergraduate course or work experiences. Right now, the reviewer cannot differentiate between your skills in relation to the presented choices. It is not only about what you hope to learn and do as a student in the UK, it is also about information sharing with your potential classmates and internship sponsors ( when allowed ).

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: ABOUT MUSEUM as an attractive and entertaining place for youngsters [2]


This is an opinion discussion sentence. It should not be presented in the restatement + opinion paragraph. There should only be 3 sentences here. The 2 public opinions and your personal opinion nothing more.


This is not the concluding summary section yet. This is your personal opinion paragraph, the 3nd reasoning paragraph requirement of the prompt. The discussion format for the paragraph is incorrect. By removing the first sentence and developing the paragraph starting at the " I believe" part, the discussion will meet the paragraph presentation requirements. Right now, the personal opinion is the least effective presentation in this essay.

A concluding summary presents the recap of the topic and reasoning paragraphs. It should not represent a continuing discussion as that creates an open-ended essay. An essay without a properly formatted conclusion might recieve a failing mark.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: Team sports or individual sports. Which is more beneficial? Give your opinion. [2]

The discussion paragraphs can use more development. Do not end the paragraph after the example presentation. Add a sentence or two that will further support the example provided. Those final few sentences will help add to the cohesiveness of the related paragraph discussion points while adding to the coherence of your thought process as you developed the reasoning paragraph.

You could have better developed your neutral opinion had you chosen to further develop the discussion. What your opinion lacked was an expanded discussion. This time, you forgot to present relevant examples that would have proved your point. This could have been presented effectively based on personal experience or knowledge.

All things considered, it is still a well written essay, falling short only because of example discussions.

Writing Feedback / The charts illustrate the purchased tickets online based on age and how the internet was accessed. [2]

The number of charts and what each chart assignment refers to is crucial to the clarity of the summary description. Without clear relatable image tie -ins, the trending paragraph cannot deliver an imaginable report to the reader. This is important because there is no image attached to this report. It becomes difficult to track the cdata references being made in the paragraphs.


Which chart? How is it identified. Do you see how the lack of a clear reference point can confuse the reader?

The writer does a good job at reporting data. However, there is a lack of cohesiveness in the report due to the lack of image relationship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 The chart shows the number of international students in the USA by subject. [2]

The summary would have been improved and seen as a more thorough representation of the original image if the 4 subjects were listed as well. It would have delivered a completely scannable overview with a more complete task presentation. It would have also added to the clarity of the subject references in the trending paragraph. Every little scoring boost helps in your case since your English fluency is very problematic and can lower your score rather than improve it


@j0NZICH
Wrong tense usage. All references should be in past form since it started in 2008 and ended in 2004. These measured events have already taken place.


confusing sentence structure. It cannot be both in past and present word structures. This can only be past in reference

The essay will fail based on coherence and grammar rules shortcomings.

Writing Feedback / It is believed that society evolves faster if poeple will break the chain of past traditions [2]

This topic is used as a basic writing exercise by ESL students. It does not use an agree or disagree response format. Rather, it uses a general opinion from the writer to compare 2 opposite opinions. However, you have chosen to create a personally styled prompt for this essay. I will review it as such.


This reference means more than 2 reasons. When only 2 references are used the descriptive word "couple" meaning no more than 2 is used. Familiarize yourself with number references to avoid future reference/meaning errors.


Proofreading error. The result of careless writing and lack of English vocabulary familiarity. The correct reference is " thing".

There are more word usage and spelling errors in this presentation that will lead to a failing LR and GRA score. The writer should practice editing and proofreading his work next time and also, work on improving his vocabulary in relation to word usage. This is very sloppy work that shows a lack of interest in learning to properly use the English language.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Why teenagers prefer online socializing to direct communication. [2]


This discussion point is rather confusing. This phrase in particular, refers to an I Mac or I Phone feature for online video chatting. So it cannot be used as a counter reference for virtual interactions. The very nature of the phrase refers to an online communications platform.


A cafe is used for physical social interactions. The addition of the word "internet" before the word "cafe" would have made the online interaction reference more obvious and less confusing.

Overall, this paragraph creates confusion for the reader due to improper word reference usage. Reference to online interactions need a better description to suit the prompt topic basis.


This is the more appropriate and far better referenced discussion paragraph. The miter need not have used 2 reasons as to the "Why" question as only one reason is required. Had the writer used this reason immediately without a previous reason, the C + C and scores would not have been reduced.

The prompt restatement was clear but did not have a thesis sentence.so there is no direct response to the provided questions as task required. So the score in terms of production accuracy is also going to be lower as it does not follow the expected summary response format.

Writing Feedback / Essay about ielts writing task 2 _ buildings/houses history topic [2]

The focus of the writer is on the interest of architectural buffs in homes and buildings. This does not necessarily mean that they reside /live in the house or building. The restatement is incorrect as the original refers to the interest of people in the backstory of the house or building they live in. It is a general interest in a non-historical dwelling. The restatement failed to accurately restate this.

The incorect perception is the reason why the first reasoning paragraph does not offer the correct reasons for wanting to know about the story of the residence. So a failing score will be applied to that paragraph. IHavever, a passing score will be applied to the research discussion presentation

2 out of 3 discussion paragraphs are incorrect. The essay is not headed towards a passing mark.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership Essay working in the state-owned electricity company [2]

This is an essay based on failed leadership. Why are you proud of leading a problematic, failing, and criminal team? The leadership essay should highlight the development of your leadership style and successful team projects. This essay will result in your application elimination. It contains all the elements ofa failed leader that chevening does not want in its scholars. The failure is what the reviewer will see regardless of your taking responsibility for it. Delete this essay and write a push one that talks about success and leadership traits being developed and strengthened.

The failure of the project also shows your lack of positive influences abilities. The essay is definitely not one you should be proud of as it concentrates on your weaknesses as a leader and influencer. You are definitely not an emerging leader in your country.

Writing Feedback / How Covid-19 have negative impact on my 12th marks [3]

I am not sure if this paper is meant to be used in an academic appeal or, if it is just an English writing exercise. Eitherway, it is too short a presentation. While it this to build up drama in 2 aspects; as a struggling student and later, as a Covid- 19 patient, it fails on both counts. The writer does not adequately convince the leader that he was wronged during the first test and, that he was too affected by Covid when he took the second test. An admission of fault to some degree on the student's part would have helped show repentance and a desire to correct his faults while overcoming obstacles. It would have shown that Covid was the unknown factor that prevented his success.

Writing Feedback / Essay on whether 9th graders should be able to test out of high school [2]

Each person would respond to the prompts differently. You have provided pretty logical responses to the early questions at this point. Most of which are personal in nature. That said, you should avoid crowd-sourcing the restof your responses to the remaining questions. Do not be afraid to open up to your professor if you would have accepted to graduate college at age 18 or not. It appears that you would not appreciate an early graduation. Explain why. Focus on your desire to improve in your weak learning areas. Reason out as to why a student should not be rushed out of the college learning process based on your current observations and experiences. You will be able to expand on the discussion points more if you use a personal point of view instead of general reference points.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Too young children (e.g primary school student) should not study online. Discuss [3]

The main reason the essay fails to meet formatting requirements is the word count. There are only 227 words written. Where less than 250 words are used in the discussion, a word count percentage penalty will apply. These deductions tend to be the main reason for score failures specially in the TA section. The prompt provided is incomplete. There are 2 ways this essay could have been discussed:

- Discuss both views and give an opinion
- Discuss your opinion.

Based on the present format, it appears that the first format is what is required for the discussion. So, it is the personal opinion paragraph that is missing and, as such, is the reason why the word count was not met. The essay can therefore, only receive a score based on an incomplete reasoning presentation. Such types of scoring considerations do not result in a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - "Line graph about recruitment of teacher" [5]

The summary statement misrepresents the task purpose. You referred the data in the graph as being in reference to enrolled teachers for 2 language groups. The original indication is for the rate of hiring / recruitment of teachers. Enrollment is different from hiring. The word meaning does not support the original prompt. It has altered the task restatement accuracy and no longer suits the ouginal presentation. It has failed to achieve paraphrasing expectations. The overall analysis is incorrect mostly due to the inability of the writer to properly rephrase the supplied information. Take for instance the following reference:


The graph, as per image guidelines. explains that the end measurement, by graduation year, shows how many teachers were hired as regulars. So there is a clear misunderstanding of the presentation data through the writers interpretation. So the score will be low due to the problematic comprehension and restatement skills of the exam taker.

Undergraduate / Playing squash - UBC Personal profile - WHAT ARE U PROUD OF AND WHY? [2]

The essay is too busy in terms of telling the reviewer who you are and what you are proud of. Information in the first paragraph belongs to a totally different prompt so it should not be included here. Information presented should focus on the "what are you proud of " section of the prompt. Think about how you want torespond to the prompt. What strongest accomplishment or character trait are you most proved of? Do you believe that you can offer strong justifications for one topic? Then go with that response. It isn't the number of accomplishments that matter. It is the reason behind it that the reviewer wants to know about. so try to be unique with your response. One strong accomplishment is all that is needed for the response to work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - WRITING TASK 2 - hosting an international sports event is good or bad for the country [2]


There is no need to repeat the discussion directions. You have already shown the examiner what the instructions are through the prompt restatements and the presentation of your personal opinion. The prompt restatement + s would get a better score without this sentence. It is non-scoring as it does not help to increase any scoring section in anyway.



For each public opinion, you can explain why you oppose or support the idea. That will prevent the need for you to use a stanst alone personal opinion paragraph. This current presentation is missing your personal opinion based on the 3 reasoning paragraph thesis statement at the start. A personal insight per paragraph would have helped you somewhat meet the personal discussion requirement. Opting to use response style 2 for this essay would have preserved your final score.

Good job though. You would have been scored on 2 out of 3 required presentations.

Undergraduate / Computer Science, Biology, and Psychology - Why Northwestern? for ED [2]




Unnecessary references.The current discussion is casually relaxed as it is. Don't overdo it. Stay mindful of the respect you should give the academic professional on the other side. With regards to the word play, the reviewer is intelligent enough to recognize it without needing a blatant hint.


So, this phrase refers to somone already working on the job. If you are already employed in the field, why are you still applying to Northwestern? Maybe change the reference phrase?


Academic writing rules indicate that sentences cannot start with " And" being a connecting word. Reformat the sentence and place it in the middle. This is still an academic paper so relaxed writing rules do not apply.

All things considered, it is an interesting read. It is relaxed to the point of being too chill. Rein in that aspect a bit and the essay will be fine.

Scholarship / World-class education in South Korea. GKS Personal statement for Masters' in Accounting [2]


There is no motivation indicated for this plan. Why couldn't you ecollina master's course in your country instead ? This is a weak reason due to its lack of consideration basis.


Again, no justification. you are referencing GKS too soon in the essay.


Being a masters applicant, skip kindergarten. Instead, talk about how you performed in college, with a focus on relevant courses to your masters choice. The better your college performance in related subjects, the better as it proves a study foundation on your end. This should lead into your specialized education narrative.

* The family background was not sufficiently discussed / addressed.

The weakest point of the essay isthe motivation factor. They to have a stronger reason for opting to study in Korea. There is no strong and compelling reason for it that can convince the reviewer at this point

Writing Feedback / Computers can translate all languages, learning a foreign language is a waste of time(writing part2) [2]


The reference synonym for "children" was not indicated in the restatement. This led to an incorrect interpretation of the original discussion basis. The original reference point was that children no longer need to learn other foreign languages. This has affected the efficient restatement of the prompt. The response to the question is on point and should recieve full scoring consideration even as the prompt restatement faces some deductions due to the inaccurate interpretation of the original.


Avoid using abbreviations and non-academic word references. It will be better to use a full stop/ period instead.


There is a lack of topic cohesiveness in this paragraph. A transition sentence that connects the first topic to the nest would have resolved that. Scoring of the C + C is based on topic coherence within a paragraph, along with one paragraph to the next. Where transitions are not used, a scoring deduction will be applied.

Writing Feedback / What factors define a person? His social position, as well as the level of his wealth [2]


I understand this sentiment. However, the strength of this opinion is not indicated using an emotional measurement. Therefore, the response aspect of the restatement is only partially correct. There will be an accuracy score reduction because of the lack of "extent " response. It bothers me that you recieved a scoring penalty for an otherwise strong presentation just because of a technicality. I urge you to review your response next time, ensure that it properly and completely meets the writing requirements.


This response would have been more acceptable if you had presented the degree of error, as you percieve the reason to have. Remember that the purpose of an extent essay is to prove a measurement of error for the public opinion. Without that discussion, the representation becomes incorrect as a comparative response when a single opinion is expected.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - ADVERTISING STRATEGIES TO SALE INCREASE [2]

The discussion presentation meets all of the required prompt points. It has accurately presented a restatement and, a clear direct response to the questions. Creating an excellent discussion guideline / thesis statement for the examiner to consider. Very good work on the most important aspect of this exam. Always address all the succeeding essays this way. You are going to have a tremendously high preliminary score for sure.

However, the discussion paragraphs could use a bit more work. When it comes to the family influence regarding advertising, the discussion feels too brief. Try to add more supporting elements to the discussion. Aim for a 3-5 sentence discussion per paragraph to fully achieve the scoring potential of each idea presentation. When indicating that celebrity endorsements do the best work, you should mention a few of them. The Kardashians could be one of the examples of social media influencers and celebrity endorsers who deliver increased sales of various products that they endorse. Examples are important because that is a "suggested" discussion slant by the original prompt. The same can also be applied, if you wish, to any family influencing reference. Just to add to the supporting discussion and example element.

Overall, not a bad job. The essay is sure to recieve high marks overall since there are very negligible errors in relation to GRA and LR use. The most important aspects of TA and C+C scores are well established in your writing.

Undergraduate / My college essay - Describe the most important thing in my life and explain why - My persistence [3]

While you were persistent in this case, your persistence came within the act of perseverance. So you should either use perserverance as your character description here or, use both perseverance and persistence in your description as the two words actually go hand in hand when defined:

Perseverance - steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I believe that a word change is more in order rather than a coupled use of the terms. Reading the definition clearly explains your embodiment of the word meaning.

As for posting in your thread, you can only post one essay at a time in the applicable thread. For college applications, you may use the writing feedback or grammar thread for your purpose. You must post each essay seperately otherwise your account will be suspended by the moderators. Do not worry, these threads will all be collated under your profile for easy reference.

Essays / Essay about the reasons why parents spend less free time with children and the matter's influence. [2]


You are over presenting reasons without fully developing your explanations. It would be in your best interest to use only one cause and effect for this presentation since only a single reason and effect is required based on the original discussion format. Compare how well you discussed the first reason against the second. You should see that the first reason is better established in terms of reasoning and examples when compared to the second one. Therefore, you should use only one reason in this paragraph. You will not be scored on the number of reasons but rather, the efficiency of you explanation for each reason. When one reason is less developed than the other, the shorter reason will pull down the overall C+C score of the essay.


Do not tell me what you will be discussing, just discuss it using a proper topic sentence that will refer to the content of the paragraph. This anchor sentence is not going to help your score because it does not properly work as an integral part of your effects explanation. It is only a non-scoring place holder. It cannot add to your score in any way.

Writing Feedback / In many countries the level of crime is increasing and crimes are becoming more violent. Why do you [2]

The essay failed to provide a relevant example based on the knowledge and experience of the student. This is a somewhat personal opinion essay based on the current crime status of one's country. In this case, the crime status in Vietnam should have been the full basis for the discussion and representation in the reasoning paragraphs. These general discussion points are good and could well apply to any country. However, the prompt discussion indicates that the writer must write from relevant examples and experiences. This is the only missing reference in the presentation. This information could have been made up by the writer, as long as he mentioned a country (such as Vietnam) as the basis of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / The world should have only one government rather than a national government for each country. [2]

This is an extremely well discussed opinion. In fact, it is so well discussed for the most part that it appears to have researched references already that are not generallty commonly known to the basic person. Such a reference to Adolf Hitler and Cosmocracy is one of the questionable references in this paper as it pertains to the commonality of the information presented. Another questionable reference is the genocide of the Jews. Both of these topics are referred to at the end of the discussion paragraphs, without any supporting explanations for the chosen examples. In these instances, such brief references should be avoided to prevent the essay paragraphs from being judged as little developed. Both discussion reasons were strong enough, without these seriously researched based references that removed the validity of the public historical references.

While I can admire the effort the writer has placed into the development of this discussion, it is still, too long a presentation for a 40 minute task. The writer is over extending the discussion in an effort to gain a higher LR score through the use of complicated and advanced English words. In reality, the scores are better when the writer uses only conversational English word references. I am doubtful if the student can actually deliver the same caliber of writing during the actual test based on his performance in this practice essay.

Undergraduate / My 16-inch World. Personal Statement - HKUST - Undergraduate Program in Computer Science [2]

Do not confuse the personal statement with your autobiography. The reference to your parents are out of place and often removes the focus of your personal statement from the development of your interest in coding and computer science. The personal statement for HKUST should be targeted in nature. It is going to be sent to a reviewer who is only interested in the academic side of your personality. You have the option to edit and revise the current version. It won't be difficult to delete the references to your parents. It won't affect the continuity of the essay. In fact, it will become smoother. Tweaks to certain paragraphs will also help better the discussion. Be sure to better expand on the reasons why you opted to study the major at the university. Do not use a general statement as you have done in the current last paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Government should increase the cost of fuel. [2]

The writer does not use the correct replacements for certain keywords in the essay. Specifically, he uses "argued" as the alternative for the original " think". The synonym used is wrong because the 2 words have different, unrelated meanings:

Think - Elementary level verb; meaning : to have or form in the mind as an idea, conception, etc. can this case, it refers to an opinion)

Argued - Elementary level verb used with an object ; meaning : to state the reasons for or against (This cannot be confused with a thought / opinion )

The essay actually works well as an opinion statement. However, the writer has problems with word usage in relation to vocabulary and tense usage.

Undergraduate / My creativity - How would people in your community describe you, what are you proud of yourself [2]

There is no "I" reference in this essay. Disassociate yourself from the presentation. Use a 3rd person reference since you are to analyze yourself through the eyes of other people. You can respond to the prompt in any way you like. I would however, like to caution you against using an over-familiar and friendly tour as you do here. Always respect the reviewer who is an academic professional. That means, no parenthesis with exclamation point references. Avoid trying to over present your personality as well. Read the passages you wrote. The character presentation is uneven. There isn't enough development involved in the presentation. Use highlights, your strongest suits. Don't use partially explained characteristics because it affects the way you are percieved by the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / People's way of living has been drastically changed, to recent advancements of technology [2]


The response is unrelated to the task. The focus is on


not harm or good. The created response is a topic alteration that will result in a failed accuracy score. Synonym usage was improper in this case. The writer chose to use incorrect alternative words. The essay now starts with a failing Task score.

The second paragraph does not disprove the opposing point of view as it should be doing. The writer himself fails to strongly support his own opinion. By using this equal discussion presentation, the essay fails to meet the "outweigh' requirement of the prompt. Only one side of the discussion should be highlighted. That should be related to the properly given . of the writer. This is a failing score essay.

Scholarship / Reflect paper about why u become nurse and what role of nurse resonate with u [2]

When considering that this is a personal statement explanation regarding the development of your interest in nursing, the essay is unacceptable. The presentation has the feel of a research paper about the importance of nurses in the pandemic rather than personal insights as to the career choice. The opening paragraph is a textbook definition of a nursing career. That created a non-attention grabbing opening for the essay. It needs to be more animated to catch the reviewer's attention.

Nurses help patients recover from various ailments, sicknesses, and diseases, not just Covid-19. Use a widespread nursing discussion approach. This essay sounds like you will stop being a nurse when the pandemic is over. Phrases such as


did not help either as it removes the serious considerations you may have for your career choice.