Writing Feedback / CBEST prompt- Restriction on how many years a teacher may teach the same subject or grade level? [6]

Hi Wang, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you do find this website useful as well as helpful to your writing reference, we strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback we can, in order for you to build that confidence in submitting your writing projects.

Now, as I go through the essay, I must say that you have managed to enumerate several points to consider in this writing, most of this notes are in definitive elaboration which makes sure that the idea comes across the readers.

Furthermore, what I also would like to mention is the fact that, you never forget to take examples in every paragraph, in order to further elaborate the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers and this gives extra substance to the essay, not only that this will give ease in understanding your approach with the prompt but will also help to know that you understood what is asked of you to write. I hope you keep writing and practice as often as you can.

Writing Feedback / Some individuals believe that its parent's responsibility to make minors a good society's member. [5]

Hi Kumar, below are the additional remarks for the second leg of your essay;

- start interacting with each other
- asfor about 14 precious years
- of passed while in the schoolscholastic adventures and learning ,
- so it must has someit does effect
- on one's personality,
- life and ontheir role in society.
- taught from textbooks but also manners.
- Thus, these minor pupils arethey're groomed to become decent,

- member of the community,

There you have it Kumar, what I noticed in your essay is that, you tend to forget minor details, punctuation marks, linking verbs and the likes, also, you seemed to inject a few words such as, "thus", "metropolis", this words do add to the character of the essay, however, you don't have to choose words that are not seen on a normal conversation as this might trigger a different understanding from your readers.

Writing Feedback / Some individuals believe that its parent's responsibility to make minors a good society's member. [5]

Hi Kumar, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find our website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects and future writing reference. As I was going through your essay, I must say that you have the idea and you know exactly how to approach the essay, however, I believe you can still enhance it by following the suggestions that we have here on EF.

Further to your revision, below are my suggestions;

- Some individuals believe that its our parent's responsibility
- to makehone minors to become a good society's member of the society .
- However, others have the view that educational institute
- should focus on ithas an even bigger role in shaping the youth .

- First of all, it is commonly believed that a mother's lap
- from the birth till the age of schoolingwhen they need to go to school ,
- As learning in theLearning at an early age
- of life has a strong and everlasting impact
- Therefore, the personality and manners of a child
- it is very oftencommon ( I believe that this is the most appropriate word for this part of the sentence )
- As a result, the role of the mother and the father
- in the betterto the development of a person cannot be ignoredis absolutely essential .

There you have it Kumar, the above remarks and corrections are pretty soft, meaning they are minor corrections, however, if they could've been avoided in the first draft, it is definitely better. Overall, this first leg of your essay is quiet manageable, I hope to review the last couple of paragraphs shortly.

Writing Feedback / Importance of Artworks and Museums - will always be vital for the success and prosperity of a nation [3]

Hi Jade, as I go through the essay, I must say the ideas are quiet confusing, confusing because you seem to have almost ended your essay in the 3rd to the last paragraph, then again you have a few more paragraphs following this that made the essay appear to be indecisive, so you see, it is confusing.

When confronted with this kind of confusion, I normally go through the essay again, outline the points that you want to be depicted in your essay, follow them through, make sure that you highlight each and every point and stick to it. Be cautious on the sequence or the flow of your essay as this will be the overall outcome of the ideas you are trying to point out in your essay.

In a written argument such as this one, it will definitely help that you have a firm idea of the matter, which in this case you did, however, it should also be coupled with a well structured idea that will strengthen your stand point.

Furthermore, this topic is absolutely overwhelming and can really create a well written argument. Now, there's not much to revise the essay, however, I suggest that you zip the last three paragraphs and turn into one final conclusive part and this should create a stronger argumentative essay.

Writing Feedback / To the Office of Student Financial Aid: writing to appeal the loss of my Gold Scholarship [3]

Hi Devin, don't you think it will not be good to talk about your weakness in your appeal for scholarship?, because I think so, the reason being, this letter is an appeal for you to get to school and anything weak will not help your application.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mean that you have to be upbeat and focus on just the positive attributes of your academic standing, however, the way it was presented in the essay, it needs a little enhancement.

Introduction
- I am writing to appeal the loss of my Gold Scholarship
* in this part of the essay, you can eliminate the word "loss" in the introduction, as this essay is tagged as an appeal, so pretty much the purpose of the letter is already established.

3rd paragraph
- I was unaware that Math 0993 was not a degree accredited course. Had I earned the five credits I thought I was taking, I would be over the required credit hours.- this particular information can also be eliminated as this will only bring a weaker understanding in your position as a scholarship holder.

As much as I would like to agree with you that the mentioned issues are not to be regarded as excuses, there some circumstances that we don't have the power to control of, I do hope that you will be able to get back on track and do let us know what comes out of this appeal, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / Core curriculum seek students that are both good at their career and other important disciplines [2]

Hi Gabriel, though it is true that, to post the passage for this project will be a question of legality,but what you can do is to make sure that the subject of the essay is properly elaborated, in doing so, you will be able to build a solid foundation of the essay, therefore shedding light to this clarification on not posting the passage.

Further to your essay, core curriculum is an absolute must in a our process of learning and most schools and institutions need to impose this as much as they can. Mathematics and English are a must and true enough, in the end, one will actually realize that this subjects helps us in our daily life.

Overall, the presentation of the essay is very neat, the ideas are all streamlined to the purpose of the essay, however, I believe the last paragraph can still be enhanced.

- This practical laborpractical activities will give the students a broader perspective ofin life, and they will also learndevelop skills that applycan be applied to any career.

There you have it Gabriel, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Graduate / PTCAS - Doctorate of Physical Therapy - Application Essay (Where to go from here) [5]

Hi Howard, honestly, as I go through the essay, I must say that the words you use in your sentences are very clear, it exudes the clarity of the ideas that you want to convey in your answer. Though the prompt is quiet heavy and geared towards a serious standing on professionalism, I believe you manage to express a positive and rather lighter meaning to the word and its meaning.

Further to your essay, you we're having doubts with the last few sentences of the essay due to the fact that you have exhausted all the pertinent information for the topic and as much as I would like reading your essay, I think you have stretched the idea too long that you run out of information to fulfill the answer to the prompt. However, you don't need to, I believe, aside from the minor enhancements as mentioned above, you can definitely focus on refining the sentence construction as this is a crucial part of the essay.

Overall, it is a well managed essay, the length can still be dragged down to just 2 paragraphs but make sure that you don't eliminate the necessary information and don't worry, a prompt like this doesn't need to be that long, it's just needs to be straight forward and direct to the point.

Writing Feedback / There is this an old saying: opposite poles attract. The same applies to relationships. Test 3 TOEFL [2]

Hi Gabriel, I would like o add a few insights to your essay.

First of all, if I were to ask, when it comes to relationship, I personally believe that, one should consider all there that has to be considered, such as family background, education, hobbies, personal opinion on things and more importantly, finances, this is a very important aspect of a relationship, if the couple is not able to talk about and settle things when it comes to finances, then they might not be able to work things out in the end.

Going back to your essay, I believe you managed to showcase each and every opinion you want to convey to your readers, the fact that you clearly stated all our ideas only means that you understood the prompt and you know exactly how to construct the details of your project.

However, I believe that the final paragraph can still be enhanced;

- In this and many casesFrom the reasons mentioned above ,
- I thinkbelieve that a saying is wiser than an opinion.
- but willwould rarely admit to it.
- Finally, I suggest anyone to marry thethat one
- the diversity from within.

There you have it Gabriel, I hope the above remarks and insights helped in your revision, do let us know when you need further assistance.

Graduate / Doctor of Physical Therapy entrance essay - "What excites you most about physical therapy?" [2]

Hi Grab, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you are able to use helpful tips and useful insights from our website. We aim to provide you with that much needed accurate feedback in order to develop your essay and make it stronger.

Now, as I go through your essay, it actually feels like the answer to the prompt is pretty long, I believe it should not take this much length to answer the given prompt. I would like to put it simply, "What motivates you to pursue PT?"

You see, this prompt does not necessarily require you to include a lot of information about your family background nor a lot of information about your job, now, don't get me wrong, all this experience definitely aid your pursuit in taking Doctorate in PT, however, I suggest that you eliminate a little bit of the information you have in this essay. Try to minimize this input and focus more on the outcome of this Doctorate program, this will lead you to a clearer and more defined essay. It will also streamline the goal of the essay, therefore minimizing unnecessary information that may not be helpful to your application.

Overall, I believe that the essay can still be enhance by minimizing the essay to 3 paragraphs with only the right doze of information about your personal life, academic achievements and your ultimate aspirations on pursuing this Doctorate program.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that holding parties, wedding parties, birthday parties are waste of money [3]

Hi Jery, first of all, I love hosting parties, so if I were to write about this task,I will lean towards the, "I don't agree that parties are waste of money", anyway, as I review your essay, I believe you made your point, you highlighted the ongoing argument on this topic and it's well managed, the fact that you brought both sides of the argument to the table only means that you have answered and proven your point towards the topic.

If I were to defend myself, however, I believe parties are not waste of money at all, though to hold a party, one will definitely need to buy food and all party essentials, this does not mean that you are wasting them, I look at it as a union, a celebration of life's simple pleasure, to get to know your relatives and friends better and to simply enjoy life.

On the other hand, I also agree that holding parties is not the only way to get to know your friends and celebrate life, it can be with a small lunch, a cup of coffee or just simply admiring nature. Going back to your essay, I believe the grammar and sentence construction needs to be enhanced. The thing is, you have the idea and you know how to approach your essay but you're somehow missing on the strength and the conviction of your argument. I hope my insights helped!

Writing Feedback / Essay about Four elements of good writing [2]

Hi Huyen, what I loved about your essay is the fact that, I learned a lot from it,see the thing is, of course there's a lot of articles written about the fundamentals of a good essay writing, but yours is somehow written in a way that its not too taxing to read and understand, not only that, you highlighted the each and every paragraph properly, giving the right gap or breather for the reader to grasp the information first then move on to the next one.

Though there are still a few modifications that needs to be done to enhance your essay, they are rather manageable, so no sweat, but of course its better if this enhancements are dealt with before submission. Further to your article, it pays that you injected a few unusual words that are not commonly associated to a normal essay. A smooth transition from each elements also pave the way to better understand the process of coming up with a good or well written essay.

Now, as we write, we also have to make sure that there is that much needed lesson to be learned, I believe, aside from the points you mentioned above, this is also, one fundamental part of the essay. It does not only give the essay a personal touch but it also allows the writer to impart valuable lessons that can be put into practice later on in life. Overall, a well managed essay or or a good article does not rely on the rules, rules are guidelines and what matters is the dedication and the genuine act of good will to the people who will take part on reading your work.

Letters / A motivation letter for European Commisson Traineeship programme. [3]

Hi Adem, indeed, WELCOME to the EF family, we hope that you will be able to write more and participate in this great and helpful website.

As soon as I learned that you are rooting for the EU Commission Training program, I feel thrilled, I definitely felt like submitting one, but I know its rather late.

Further to your essay, I believe this is a very rewarding program to be part of, it is one of those programs that will definitely showcase the reality of the working world and how this part of the government actually works. Having said that, below are my thoughts;

- spending my life here seemed insurmountable,
- would add me so much,have this much impact and shape up my future.
- no idea forof the precarious future.
- During my dwellingthis period ,
- I completed my necessary education
- which havethat provided me
- I amfell in love with the Balkans,
- studies atto attain a higher level.
- with the addition of my future goalscoupled with my aspirations make me a validstrong candidate.

There you have it Adem, I hope the above corrections are helpful as well as the insights are valuable. For future writing reference, try to strengthen your essay by imposing that much needed conviction in your sentences. This will definitely build up your essay.

Undergraduate / The Semester at Sea program has been a dream of mine since I found out about it as a junior [6]

Hi Courtney, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope just like the Semester at Sea program, you will also fall in love with the team of EF. We aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback we can give in order for you to come up with an even stronger essay that will eventually boost your confidence in submitting your essay.

Now, as much as I like reading your essay, I strongly suggest that you take the negative notes on the second paragraph that says, "throw away", this may be a valuable note for you and you would like to have a balance information to showcase, however, having this note in this admission letter may not be helpful in your application to the program.

Having said this, don't get me wrong, it is equally important for you to be truthful to what people may say about your endeavors, however, you have to know when is the time to have all this input added to your essay. Now as this is an application essay for a very critical program that you want to be part of, it is better to be on the safe side and focus on writing about your academic aspirations and the ultimate take out upon completing this program.

Furthermore, below are my suggestions;

- My personalAmong my academic goals
- are to learn as much as I canvaluable lessons in my four years of undergraduate education.
- This program wouldwill undoubtedly aid me
- in that by offering so many different destinations and things to learn about in each new placemy pursuit for greater knowledge and be able to get to know the places that I can only read in the books .

There you have it Courtney, I hope the above remarks are useful to your revision.

Research Papers / Rough draft - Abortion , by: Mohammed Alhajri [4]

Hi Mohammed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope to assist you in each and every project you have by providing you with the most accurate and valuable feedback to strengthen your essay.

Further to your research, I believe you were able to create a well rounded one, your citations are of credible source, you also made sure that each and every part of the research is labeled accordingly, which is very crucial as this means that you are able to follow the fundamentals of writing a research paper.

However, I would like to enhance the conclusion part of the paper.

- By summingTo sum up,
- all itthat can be said that
- there are different factors which are leadingthat leads to increasing in abortion rates
- ProprietiesOpinions of people can be different. - and moral violation. It, however, it has been found that the Reason of terminating a pregnancy can be differentdefinitely vary .

There you have it Mohammed, I hope the above remarks help in your revision and for future writing reference, mind the sentence structure that you associate in your essay as this will have a great impact in the overall outcome of your essay.

Undergraduate / The quote attributed to William Hastie, Amherst College Class of 1925 - Amherst Writing Supplement [3]

Hi Kenan, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order for you to write an even stronger essay.

Overall, this essay is written fairly well, very minor corrections that can be fixed easily, though if it can be avoided it will be great and indeed, difficulties is life's many ingredients that shakes things up, make life a little bit more fun than usual and more importantly, learn lessons from them. Lessons that will definitely bring us closer to the realities of life, unravel that path for clearer and brighter future, through it all, human beings have learned a lot and this is what's more important.

Going back to your essay, it is very heart warming, it is realistic and though I'm not sure if this essay will be enough to gain admission but I'm hoping that it will. I believe that the last few sentences needs enhancement;

- I increased it bystrive and never giving up.
- When I faced with difficulty
- Deep down, I emphasizedknow that the achievement
- iswould worth it as Mr. William Hastie
- The best result for myof this painstaking

There you have it Kenan, I hope the above modifications helped in your revision.

Scholarship / WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN STUDYING AT UBC? HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF FITTING INTO THE UBC COMMUNITY? [8]

Hi Dennis, as I read through the essay, I was looking for something more vital to answer the prompt, see the thing is, you have the idea in how to answer the prompt and the right words for it as well, however, you seemed to have generalize the whole idea of the essay.

To elaborate this observation, please find the reasons below;

1st paragraph
- It is for this and many other reason that I'm very interested in studying at UBC. - when you say "many other reasons", this may not be enough to create that notion of strong desire or interest in being a part of UBC, you have to be very specific. Most of the time, when someone quotes "many other reasons or many reasons", they normally don't know what these reasons are, so you have to elaborate in this particular answer.

Conclusion paragraph
- I see myself fitting in because of my vision for the future. - on this part of the essay, what are these visions? You see, the sentences are somehow full of questions to follow up and this cannot help your letter to the institution. In writing a letter such as this one, you have to be straight forward, you have to make sure that all your cards are laid down, be prompt in giving your utmost intension to part of the institution and the admission officer will know exactly how to carry your letter over.

I hope the above remarks and corrections are useful to your revision and should you any questions at all, do let us know, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / Students at school and universities learn more from lessons with teacher [2]

Hi Tran, I hope the remarks below is not too late.

- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - is to color / contrary - is to ideas ) , learning from lessons
- teachers can conveyimpart ( I believe this is a more appropriate word for this part of the sentence ) all the necessary skills
- to students and are ready to guide them atin every step.
- they can realiseknow their strength
- orand weaknesses
- and morecan easily to help them fix it.
- Last but not the least,
- find solutions to somethis problems.

- In conclusion, the uptakeinput of knowledge
- from the teachers is
- more effective than from any others source of information.
- However,others source should be considered
- as a a complement andcomplimentary extension - of classicaltraditional forms of learning if a student wants to fulfill his potential.

There you have it Tran, I hope the corrections are useful to your revision and may be next time, you can post your projects earlier so that you don't have to cramp for submission.

Writing Feedback / 10 MOST EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES TO READ AND REMEMBER [6]

HI Beatrice, no worries at all, we are here to provide you with the most accurate and valuable feedback and should you need any help to further your essay, do let us know so we can duly assist.

Moreover, when you are writing an essay that is more likely to be published, you have to be very cautious with the information that you provide, if it is an analysis, it should be accurate to the given graphic representation, an essay that asks your opinion can be rather safe, as this is your opinion on a specific topic that will not be that critical as you are entitled to your opinion. On the case of a research, as the title of the project implies, this is a more serious writing article than any other essay as it needs a lot of research, fact finding that will back you up with your claim on the research, finding the applicable source of information is also quiet crucial as this will be checked in order to strengthen your essay.

Furthermore, as most of the essays are base on our opinion, we need to be responsible in all there is that we write and owe it to ourselves that we write what will help each and every person who will chance upon our writing.

When you write, make sure to review the English language rules as this will lead you to creating a well written essay. Keep writing!

Undergraduate / The role of my family on who I am - help edit my essay, I want positive and negative reinforcement. [2]

Hi David, here's my take on your essay;

- My family environment played a major role
- in helping me become who I am currentlytoday ( I believe this is a more appropriate word ) . \
- and do my utmostthe best I can , especially at hard times.
- Whether I was having a hard time with ain class
- or I was coming home thinking about quitting
- me to my trueunleash my potential.
- you attemptconquer it with the correctright mind-set.
- always over-preparing myself forbeing always ready to almost anything

There you have it David, I hope the above corrections are helpful towards your revision.
Overall, you have the idea of how to approach the prompt, however, this did not transpire in the essay, therefore a little more practice is needed. I wish to review the revised essay soon. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / 10 MOST EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES TO READ AND REMEMBER [6]

HI Beatrice, first thing that I notice in your essay is the fact that there is no uniform or concentration of ideas in your essay. I say this because, as I read through the essay, I found some actions that needs to be highlighted that are taken into the back burner instead of having them as banners. Speaking of banners, the last banner you have is not pointed out as important as the others, this can actually ruin the overall impact of the essay, uniformity is the key.

Also, is this essay backed by any cited work? The reason I asked is because, an essay like this, once its published, it is you who is responsible for the outcome of this article, therefore, we have to be very careful and back our topics with the most credible source as we can. Though this is tagged as writing feedback, it still needs to have as much information to cite the claims that you have and this is very critical in this kind of writing.

Having said that, I hope that you revise the essay with the necessary source and it will greatly help if you have it written in a parenthesis and included in the article. Keep writing!

Essays / [UWC SCHOLARSHIP] Describe a typical day of your life in the year 2026 [3]

Hi Lucie, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, may you find this website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects and as future writing reference. We aim to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback for each and every writing article that you may have.

In this scholarship essay, however, it runs quiet deep and definitely requires a careful assumption of what the next few years will become and this has to be inclined towards your professional career, reason being, in the next few years after UWC your aim is to become a successful person.

Furthermore, think of a formal approach with a little twist, make sure that it's entertaining, a little bit creative and more importantly, as much as possible, stay realistic, something that would really happen in the year 2026. Most of the time, when asked with this question, we normally write a few things that may not happen in real life and this can affect the overall outcome of your essay.

Also, mind that this is a crucial paper that will draw the line as to your admission or not, so you have to be very cautious. Anyhow, we will be here to review your draft so you don't have to worry. I hope to review your draft soon.

Essays / Thinking outside the box essay? :) For Upenn [3]

Hi Lisandara, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful and useful to your writing and in addressing each and every prompt you want to tackle.

Withe regards to your, "thinking outside of the box", I believe you can write something that you can really bring to the panel, to the institution that you will become part of. To make things simpler, answer the question, Who am I?

This question can definitely spark a lot of thoughts and ideas that you have in your head
Also, it will do you good if you incorporate at least a paragraph of ideas or things that you can formulate to raise any cause that you want to pursue, it may be academic or social bound.

Furthermore, make your essay interesting as well as entertaining but be careful and make sure that you draw the line between being creative and formal at the same time, the essay should be at its borderline formality as well as observing the playful effects of your ideas that will boost a healthy academic adventure that will hopefully lead you to the greater heights of your career.

I hope to review the essay soon and don't worry if its just a draft, remember, your draft is the start of making it to the final essay and will make you ready to face the panel in this prestigious Ivy League Institution.

Undergraduate / WARMTH - CORNELL HOTEL SCHOOL APPLICATION 2016 [4]

Hi Lincoln, below are my thoughts on your essay;

First of all, addressing "high school is hell", may not be worth including in your essay. Remember, in everything you do, if you cannot say something nice to somebody or something, then don't blurt it out, believe me, it will not do you good. Don't get me wrong, you can still express negative feedback towards things or people but if this will create an unpleasant feeling, then better not.

Moreover, I would like you to be honest in all your writing articles but, if you can, avoid negative words and thoughts. Mind that this letter is you, you represent yourself in all your writing articles, therefore, it pays to be always on the safe side. Having said that, a hotel school may be a tough cookie to eat, therefore, you need to take an even farther understanding of the topic and not submit a rather shallow one.

The hospitality industry is the industry that keeps on giving, chew on this thought and I know that you will be able to revise and strengthen your essay. College is tough and hotel school is definitely an even greater challenge that's why it takes a lot thinking through to make it to the list.

I hope my insights helped and I wish to review the revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / The Heart-Breaking Truth about Exotic Pets and the Painful Journey They Take [3]

Hi Janahan, here are my thoughts on your research.

First of all, it is missing a few more facts, this is somehow the major part that I was looking forward to, due to the fact that the issue is definitely widespread, there are a lot of articles written about this topic as it is a rather pressing issue that needs to be urgently addressed. However, I believe you've done your research and this is very evident in your paper.

Furthermore, you doubted the information in the paper, this is quiet usual, due to the fact that, when writing a research paper, you tend to think that you have exhausted all the information from what you have gathered and this drives you to sort the information again and rephrase them, though this is not advisable, it is better to stick to the facts than taking some information from an outside unverified source.

For your conclusion, here's my suggestion;

Though this paper will not save this animals from cruelty and the ordeal that they face, I aim to open the eyes of the public to do each and every help they can to preserve our exotic friends, they are members of our family and the world we live in is always better having them around.

There you have it Janahan, I hope the above remarks and enhancements are useful.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2:The gap between the rich and the poor is increasingly wide. [4]

Hi Nguyen, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope that you will be able to participate more in this very helpful and useful website. We aim to review each and every post you may have and deliver an even greater essay after careful analysis. Our comprehensive and most accurate feedback will definitely help you strengthen your essay.

Now, first of all, the topic you have at hand is very interesting, I believe this issue is very current and as much as we want to eliminate it right away, the current world situation is unfortunately not letting us to do so. However, I somehow believe that being optimistic is one way to help eliminate this issue. We always hope for the best and be ready for the worst. This simple mindset will bring us closer to a peaceful world to live in.

Further to your essay, I like the fact that you did a little research in order to support your opinion towards the topic and this is a very good technique in order to get that trust from your readers. However, I have a few minor corrections that will hopefully be useful to your revision;

1st paragraph
- Furthermore , the mankind have to face to face withpeople face negative effectiveaspects about the life, the economy.
- In this essay, I will discuss about this situationthe issue further .

4th paragraph
- solutions which can bethat may help reduced the issue.
- The school can create the educational
- opportunity by reducereducing or providing free the school free foreducation to poor students.

Conclusion
- many bad results for theto life and the economy. - RemovingEliminating this problem is the fastest way for people to achieve a brighter future.

There you have it Nguyen, I hope the remarks and corrections helped and by the way, mind your spaces in between a word and your punctuation marks, you don't need a gap between them.

Writing Feedback / TOFEL writing practice - Can teachers be both popular(students like them) and helpful to students? [5]

Hi Julian, as I read through your essay, I must say that you are able to create an argument worth reading. The points you highlighted is very realistic, it happens in our daily lives and more importantly, it is indeed a debatable topic as to the fact that teachers can be both effective and quiet entertaining of they will.

As for my experience, an effective teacher is somebody who can and able to interact with the students, it makes learning more fun and honestly, there's nothing wrong with having fun while learning, though the boundaries should be set, the students will be able to learn and grasp the lessons better when they get along with the teachers.

Going back to your essay, below are my thoughts;

1st paragraph
- It has been a long debated topic
- the harmonicharmonious and peaceful - atmosphere in the class,

3rd paragraph
- Secondly, there are many ways of makingacquiring knowledge easier to remember, and one of them,

Last paragraph
- for the best for their academic performance.
- the statement of there existsnotion that a conflict between effectiveness and popularity exist .

There you have it Julian, I hope this modification helps!

Writing Feedback / Sweatshop about clothing and a child does not have education, workers very poor and get low wages [3]

Hi Wendy, first of all, in this essay, I can definitely feel that you are somehow furious, furious of the fact that people are somehow, taken for granted and I agree that this practice of taking our workforce for granted has to stop. It should end as soon as possible, not only because they create a very bad feeling towards the person being treated wrong, but because it creates an overall picture that labor is known for these days and this is definitely not acceptable.

Further to your essay, as it doesn't have any label for a research paper or any writing project, it actually looks like you're just venting your heart out and as much as we want to hear and talk about anything and everything, EF is not the right avenue for this venting.

Anyhow, as I would like to look at this as a research paper, I would like to suggest that you include the citations, of course, as this is the basis of the information extracted and incorporated on the paper.

I'm looking forward to your enlightenment on this paper, label it properly and make sure that when you enter in this kind of battle, you're armed with the right information and foundation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: More and more people in developing countries are purchasing cars for the first time. [2]

Hi Mahdi, below are my thoughts for your essay.

Indeed, a growing number of people are buying cars these days and this act means heavier traffic, increasing demand in fuel, lesser usage of government funded public transportation and the worst, road rage. Now, if I were to be asked, I would rather walk, if I can or if the weather will allow and the distance of course or use public transport, however, I cannot blame a lot of people who choose to buy cars than rushing to the metro station to catch the last ride home. This are just a few reasons that hinders people to use public transport and go for personal cars. Is there any positive outcome of this increasing number of car usage, well, the comfortability it gives to the owner of the car.

Moving on, I believe the essay is managed well, your ideas are heard and the message has come across your readers, however, you conclusion can be strengthened. Please find my suggestions below;

- In conclusion, purchasing automobile in developing countries is extremely increasing extremely .
As result of horrible, imposing bighigher tax value for car owners is a best way to overcome itthis issue . Therefore, that solution should be attempted.- this last sentence is not necessary.

There you have it Mahdi, I hope the modifications helped and are useful to your revision.

Scholarship / "The benefits that derive from studying abroad": a 2-paged KE Scholarship Personal Statement [4]

Hi Philipe, I would also like to share a few insights towards your essay.

First of all, it is indeed a well developed personal statement, you manage to address each and every instruction that is required in order to hand in a well managed essay that is focused on the benefits of studying abroad and in your case, studying in Korea. To start, Korea is one of the worlds fastest growing country, not only in terms of its economy but also in fostering good, or should I say, world class education to its citizens and expats, therefore, you made the right choice in participating in this program.

Furthermore, each and every paragraph in your letter is structured and focused on a single idea, this helps the reviewer to conclude the goal of each paragraph, giving a way of unparalleled understanding towards the purpose of the essay.

Now, I do suggest, though this is very minor, it will help, that the length of the letter is not this long, see, the thing is, the reviewers will have a few other applications to review, this means they will only have as much time to dedicate in each and every application. Having said that, when eliminating this informations, make sure that they are the right information to delete and the purpose of your letter will not get affected.

Undergraduate / "THE HIGH FIVE" COMMON APP ESSAY 2016 - making success from a failure [3]

Hi Sung, as I go through your essay, I must say that you have a well managed essay, you made sure that failure are taken into considerations and all your experiences are elaborated in a manner that it is understood by your readers.

Now, as much as I love the fact that you have a clear view on the task at hand, for a common app essay, it needs to be a lot more formal, don't get me wrong, you have a very creative approach on this essay and this is a very good technique of a writer, however, this essay will not be appropriate for this writing.

There you have it Sung, for future writing reference, mind the sentences structure, I believe this is where your weak points lies, one thing that can definitely help is reading, reading English literatures will let you see how words are used in a sentence, therefore, giving you that extra edge.Also, avoid using the word, "and" to begin or start your sentences, this words are used in linking phrases or ideas and not in starting it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Three categories of crimes in a particular city, 1984-2009. [5]

Hi Risty, on this analysis, what is noticeable is how you associate the words in your sentences, though not a lot of them are in the right places, it is well noted that there is a progress in your writing.

Here are my suggestions to enhance your analysis.

- A breakdown of the people numbersof people - Overall, there was a numbersis a decline
- in the number of people

- Street robbery increased gradually,and peaked at over 3000.

- This was ais the biggest number
- of criminal cases at thatfor this given year,
- Both Thishouse burglary case and
- All the cases had a decline gap around 160 crimes duringfor 25 year.

There you have it Risty, I suggest that you focus on sentence structure as this is where you fell short, this is very critical as this will affect the overall outcome of the essay.

Undergraduate / Common app supplement Essay: Harvard University Supplement essay [4]

Hi Sambhab, sorry if you posted an essay a few days and no one reviewed the essay,its not that we don't review them, believe me, we make sure that each and every writing article is reviewed and in our reviews, we make sure that we provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback in order to strengthen the essay.

Moving forward, as much as this essay is all about how you developed your intellectual skills, that doesn't mean that you have to write it in a way that a regular reader would understand. I, for one, had to check on the dictionary, every time I come across a sentence that is not so clear to me, in this case, I must admit its a little bit taxing and this is not how its suppose to be.

What I mean is, though the essay is asking for intellectual development, you still have to make sure that what you wrote will be understood by your readers, this way, their will not be any misleading of information and in the end you will be able to convey the message to your readers.

Further to your, I suggest that you avoid using the words, "but", "and" and other words that are usually use in the middle of the sentence as linking words and not in the beginning of the sentence.

There you have it Sambhab, there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay and I hope you follow through with the modifications.

Undergraduate / Two different houses - What was the environment you were raised? [2]

Hi Jocelyn, first of all, as this letter is for your admission to college, it would greatly help if the focus of the essay is not in your family background and rather towards your academic achievements, struggles and journey. I understand that you are trying to draw a wider picture about yourself and your aspirations, however, beginning or starting the essay with your family background will sound like you're begging for the institution to admit you. Now, don't get me wrong, it's good to include some information about your family background, however, if you can keep it within a few sentences or a total of 1 paragraph, it will give you that space to write about your academic information, therefore giving that much needed boost for your letter.

Moving on to your sentences, I find them a little bit odd, to elaborate my findings, below is an example;

- My mom has 3 kids including me.- instead of writing or formulating your sentences like this, I suggest you write it like this,

We are a family of four, my mom and my 2 siblings.

You see, a simple revision and proper grouping of words makes a lot of difference. I hope the insights are useful and do let us know should you need further reference towards your revision.

Writing Feedback / Students to attend schools to learn or not? [5]

Hi Adi, below are my suggestions for the 2nd paragraph of your essay.

- That being saidHaving said that ,
- attending to school is a must
- aspect fo thefor most children,
- as this will afford to build more confidence
- offor kids when
- they confront with othersconquer the world .
- A 2013 recent universityUniversity of Utah research disclose that 85%
- of I ndonesian's young population
- whichare determined to study - at home is being socializedare also sociable .
- In fact,that they utilize
- thetheir time of them interacting each
- This results in manyto a lot of peers
- being recquired and makes it easier to speak in public.

- However, this will brings the increasing number of
- the best study field of study between
- home and school is of beneficialhas its benefits and drawbacks .
- In fact that, both of
- them wll buildbuilds a child's development.

There you have it Adi, I hope this modifications help in your revision and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs, the right forms of the words you use and how you associate this in the sentences.

Writing Feedback / Why money are very important factor in today's world? [5]

Hi Alvius, indeed, you need to practice more in order to create a good essay.
Now, it will not happen right away, but overtime, you you should be able to write better, if not the best essays! Make sure that when you write, though, you review the prompt first, understand it very well, because when you do understand the prompt, you will have better chances of coming up with a good essay.

Moreover, reviewing the English language rules before writing, makes it easier for you to get a better grip of your writing, this will also make up for the rules and regulations that you might have forgotten already. This practice is done in order to create that missing link in your essay and in the process of writing one.

Furthermore, avoid using the words that is mentioned above, such as "because", "such" or "but", this are not the ideal way to introduce your sentence to the essay, this can be used in highlighting your idea within the sentence but not to begin or start one.

There you it Alvius, I hope my insights are helpful and keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Students going to college - essay correction; I am trying to improve my writting skills. [2]

Hi Ashkan, first of all, I don't see anything wrong with how you approach your first paragraph, however, in this particular essay,if there's a huge confusion from your readers, I suggest that you re- write it in a more conventional way, this way you will be able to address the questions from the readers. This way you are able to, not only satisfy your readers but also made sure that the message of the essay is clear.

Furthermore, as I go through your essay, I must say, some of the words you use are not in the right format, such as below;

1st paragraph
- Why do people go to college? People go to school for different purposes including: improve; to improve their knowledge and skills,

Something like this note above is very critical as this affects the overall outcome of your essay, this will also create a huge difference between the idea that you are trying to convey and what your essay says.

Furthermore, the use of proper word tenses is also very crucial, you have to make sure that the tenses are used as for the rules of the English language. This means when you are talking about a task or action that is ongoing, it should take the present tense.

I hope the above remarks are useful to your revision.

Undergraduate / Soliloquy-2016-17 Common Application Personal Statement Essay prompt from an International Student- [3]

Hi Sambhab, first of all, WELCOME to the English world, as much as EF would like to teach every single body on the usage of English and exercising the language, we cannot do that unless people find us in this massive internet world. Now, as you have found us, we would like you to spread the news about this awesome website and hopefully they will find us too and we can help each other.

Going back to your personal statement, I believe it is quiet long, the length of the letter sometimes determines the admission of the person, though it is not necessary for you to delete a massive amount of information, I do suggest that you eliminate a few information that are not pertinent to the purpose of your essay.

Furthermore, I would love to read more of your academic background in this letter and your academic achievements will definitely add substance to your letter, also, it would help if you create that final paragraph with positive outlook,remember to put your heart and soul in everything that you do, the world will always be a better place, it is us that controls our destiny and it's always a matter of choice.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Contribution to Diversity; I did not let any of obstacles I met to get me down [4]

Hi Anne, indeed it is quiet a pressure when you have time as well as word restriction when writing. What I do to effectively conquer this is to answer the prompt first, pretty much drafting and then once you have the answers, you can go ahead and elaborate them in the following paragraphs. Further to this technique, it will show you the basic answers to the question and from here, you can formulate the thorough explanation of each answer.

For this essay, below are additional guidelines, not only to shorten your essay but also to streamline the ideas.

- academic excellence, here you can provide information on your academic background and achievements as well as any pertinent information towards academic excellence, also, yo can include academic pursuit and plans in order achieve greater heights of education

-leadership qualities,here, any leadership and creative participation in an organization that can highlight your contribution can definitely help in this part of the essay

- contribution to diversity, here, your overall contribution, not only to your community but more importantly to your personal growth should be highlighted, I understand that you might think its selfish to put yourself first in this particular part, however, you have to nourish and sustain yourself first before you can effectively provide service to others.

There you have it Anne, I hope the above remarks are helpful, now I understand that the above remarks are included in your essay, however, it is best to streamline them, this way you are able to create a level of importance as well as minimize the number of words in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Test 1 TOEFL. Summarize a reading and listening passage. [4]

Hi Gabrielle, below is my take on your essay.

First of all, as this is a summary of something that you have read or listened, you have to give or provide the title of the book or the audio passage in order to provide the reader, some basis to keep the review apt and more accurate.

However, I believe we can still create an appropriate remark towards your work, just like the above modifications and here's some additional remarks.

- To understand the human personality
- are the conflict approach and the fulfillment approach.
- It is also curious to note that each
- approach is completely contrary ofto the other.

- Meanwhile, ( don't forget the minor details of your sentences such as punctuation marks )
- Furthermore, his successes or failures will determine
- it is the life that we have envisioned and not our actualthe life that we live in that will contribute to our personality.

There you it Gabriele, I hope this has helped you in your revision and for future writing reference, mind the minor details of your sentences and make sure that the linking verbs are also visible as this will affect the overall idea of your essay.

Graduate / 'Princess Anne will be a great fit for me' - SOP for UMES Physical Therapy Program! [5]

Hi Danielle, as I read through your essay, I must say that you are able to create a straight forward and well structured essay. To become an advocate of health and its sector is rather a noble choice to take up. It will not only eat your time but will definitely create that frame or bubble that will keep you from social activities, however, the rewards are definitely worthy of all your sacrifice.

I also love the fact that you are able to incorporate your love for horses to your vocation of becoming a physical therapist, I have not read such a good combination if ideas or rather a good combination if leisure and profession, as what they say, to work with passion is not like working at all, pretty much, if you love your work you will never feel any work in it.

Furthermore, your writing style run smoothly throughout the essay, each and every paragraph has a link from the previous one and this adds a continuity of information to the overall purpose of the essay.

I hope my insights are helpful and even more so useful to your revision, should you have any questions, do send us a message here on EF.