Writing Feedback / Problems overrellance on cars can cause/suggest at least one possible solution. [5]


...you need to pay a great attention to your grammar and clarity of your ideas. Do not construct more complex sentences. Write simple, short sentences and make sure they are error free !


Never start a sentence with a simple letter.... those are basic norms and you will not be excused at the exam for such errors. Also, pay more attention to spellings. There are many spelling mistakes throughout this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Internet will end the era of newspapers and magazines [2]


.... you need to rephrase this sentence :( this is pretty confusing :(


Well, this is not well aligned with your prompt.

Writing Feedback / GRE Essay: major cities study to learn characteristics of a society [5]

.... Well, I see very little relevance of this para to your essay topic which is -

You do not talk anything about the major cities through out this whole body para. I think it is very very important for you to maintain a proper alignment between your writing and the topic throughout your essay. Otherwise, the reader would feel your writing is out of topic :(

Writing Feedback / Judgement and verification. Understand concepts and ideas is MORE IMPORTANT than learning facts? [4]


Yes, what you say is true.... you may not be able to do a perfect essay in this type of time bound task. However, you can attempt to complete the task within 30 mins with all required features in it if you follow an appropriate approach and practice your essays accordingly with time.

Writing Feedback / SAT: Learning from mistakes or from our successful actions? [6]


.... I think you elaborate the same idea a bit too much here. This is what I suggest;
Making mistakes is an integral part of human nature and it is almost impossible to find a person who has not done any mistake in life.

Well, I think you need more flesh in your body paras :) Your second body para is too short :(

Scholarship / Hospitality and Tourism management - why have you choosen this course of study? [4]


Today I feel extremely happy and blessed because I have been able to do something I always wanted to do.
The Tourism and hospitality industry areis regarded as the world's most dynamic and fastest growing industry. TheyItsare fast paced , energetic and exciting fields whichprovidesprovide a wide range of career and employment opportunities both at home and overseas in many and various industry sectors such as tour operators, airlines and hotel groups etc.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: schools should provide equal financial support to different courses [3]

Yes, as Pahan has mentioned above, I too feel you need to improve your essay structure since there are two things you need to be careful about when you take up this task. They are the contents of the essay and time. Your target should be to complete the task on time. For that you need to follow an appropriate approach that helps you meet both these requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: animal experiments & animal rights [7]

On the other hand, those experiment promoterswho promote such experiments domay support the idea of animal teststesting for several reasons. FirstlyFirst, they argue that compared to animal rights, the development of medical services and social welfare should be given more importance in contrast to the rights of animals .


I completely agree :) You display excellent writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- studnets prefer home-schooling rather than trditional schools [3]

... Pahan has a very valid point. I too guess your topic is on which system, homeschooling or traditional, better. If so, your above statement is totally out of topic. Anyways, it is great if you include the full prompt in the post so that others do not have any confusion and can better understand the requirement. Please include the topic in your next thread.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: students participating in class discussion as investment for their future [6]


This sentence is pretty confusing :( What do you mean by "a hold no less important role is taking part in classes stand a golden chance for student to understand thoroughly the strategies to get good grades"? I think you need to rephrase this sentence :(

It can not be denied that in each lecture, the professor do not only teach and explain the knowledge subject but also providesto students with some useful tips to get a perfect score, which is not always written in any books or documents.

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way [10]


Yes, you need to meet at least the minimum word count of 300 words. Follow this approach for your essay and I hope it would help you meet that requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Honey bees life cycle [4]


diagrams present / diagram presents
The diagram illustrates the life cycle of honey bees,

Overall, the life stages is comprisedlife cycle of honey bees is comprised of six stages from egg to full maturity, and takes approximately 5 weeks to complete.

You need to pay more attention to your grammar !

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood [8]


Yes, you should state which side you are going to take. If you feel both competition and cooperation are important, then you can take a moderate stance. For exmaple;

In my opinion, children should have a sense of both competition and cooperation.
Then in body paras, you can talk about how competition is important in one paras and have the other para for cooperation :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Employers should provide smoking areas for their employees [4]

Cigarettes smokingSmoking causes deadly diseases like lung cancer, heart and lung diseases. IncidenceCases of lung cancer hashave been increased over the past several years. This points out towards the increasing usage of tobacco as well as cigarette smoking.(this is not delivering a clear idea. I feel it reads better without this line)itIt is being said that smoking over a year reduce our life expectancy by 5 years.

Writing Feedback / Should all young adults require to perform national services? [3]

Well, it seems you have some understanding about the overall essay structure (pay attention to what Pahan suggested with regard to introduction). However, your body paras look pretty lengthy. I guess you are preparing for TOEFL exam (mention that in the title itself) which is a time bound exam. Have you been able to finish this task on time?

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]


.... good :)

As an example, a student who isstudents preparing for deliveringto deliver a speech on a certain topic can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter.gather necessary information to prepare his or a her speech. It's hard to get everything at a same placehave access to such vast information unless children are not familiar with using computers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'right proportion of raw materials'; Cement and Concrete production [5]

The first diagram illustrates the tools, the material, and the stepprocess of making cement production while the second diagram describes the proportion of cement and any otherraw materials used toto produce concrete.

Overall, cement produced passes 4production process undergoes four major steps before being ready tofor packagingpackage.
Your details paras are pretty good :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : An enjoyable job or a good salary? Discuss both sides and give your view [7]


This is a pretty confusing sentence. It does not You need to rephrase the same :(
Having a harmonious working environment and job satisfaction can bring them unmeasurablegreat happiness which can hardly be bought by enormous wealth from their perspectives.any other means.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL..Dormitory or apartment? Which is better for students to choose? [9]


Yes, I will help you improve your writing and gain a good score at TOEFL. However, I see you have already been suspended and cannot have access to your threads. I can help you only for this time, but you need to make sure that you provide meaningful contributions to others' threads to stay active in the forum. Do not provide comments like "good essay" , "overall good writing" :D

Writing Feedback / Advantages and Disadvantages of using Machines? [2]

It is true that more and more work is done by machines today ... you need to specify the time!
Although this may have some drawbacksnegative outcomes , I believe that the benefits it offers are greater than the disadvantages.


If you hold the opposite opinion, then use both your body paras to justify your opinion. There is no point in talking about the other side as this is a persuasive essay.

Writing Feedback / Concrete produce: cement, water, sand and gravel are poured to a concrete mixer [5]

First, you need to upload the image for us to provide you with more meaningful comments for this task. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block to upload your image.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Garlsdon City on plan to build a supermarket [3]

The map depictsshows the possible spotspotential locations for building a new supermarket in Garlsdon city.

Overall, there are 2two potential sites marked on the plan, notedmarked as S1 and S2. While S1 will be builtis located in the countryside, the location of S2 is held in the free traffic zone in the town centre.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood [8]


... wrong grammar here;
should be encouraged / should encourage / he encourages / they encourage
Some other, however, argue that it wasit is unnecessary to teach these things in the early stage of live. In my opinion, both of sensescan be discuss withare important due to several reasons.

Writing Feedback / Film review - "Gone with the wind"; 'deserves to be the most successful film' [3]

When the Civil War erupts and brings devastation and poverty to the O'Hara family, Scarlett becomes the indomitable one who fights the hardest to preserve her family's beloved Tara. (I feel you better stop here and start a new line)andShe reluctantly protects Melanie through the ravages of war.

I think this is very well written .... Good Job :)

Writing Feedback / the charts below give information about travel to and from UK. [6]

It can be clearly seen thatOverall,UK visitors to foreign countries dominatedunder the number of guests were visited the UK recorded a much higher figure compared to the foreign travelers to the UK , while the most popular destination was accepted asof the UK travelers had been France.


... you should have used more data and figures to support the trends in these detail paras. You have not adequately used the data given by the graphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [8]

However, aspects such as (no :) friendly colleagues, work environment and work-place condition,interest in the job sometimes (no ,) have even more impact on person's happiness and quality of life.


.... here you can easily give a more specific example. Talk about a person who gets well paid but works for a terrible boss who makes sure that he stays late everyday. :D

Writing Feedback / Is international sport releasing patriotic emotions? 'fans support their teams' [4]

International sporting events like the FIFA World Cup are so popular that almost all national football teams hope to qualify tofor it.

Not only sporting occasions can ease international tensions, but also they help us release our patriotic emotions in a safemore productive and harmless way

You write very well - good grammar, vocabulary, ideas etc. However, you need to pay lots of attention to the approach. Follow the guidelines provided by me and Pahan in our above posts :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]

Well, let me help you with a model intro ... May be Pahan, Fikri or Niaboc would help you with the rest ;)


Concentration plays a vital role in academic success . (hook) However, many children today struggle to concentrate and stay focused in their academics (background of the issue). In my view, this is mainly due to the advancement of communication technology and busy lifestyles of modern people. However, I believe that this problem can be overcome with better parental care and nutrient diets .

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children from poorer families are more successful in the future life. [7]

Well, you should have had one reason here and supported with a specific example. If it is the "access to good education", then you could have elaborated on that and given an example to convince the point to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Total school spending in the UK [5]

... Ok, let's see :)


Well, you need to support this trend with more details. That is what they expect you to do in your detail paras. Every general trend you state their should be supported by more details and data.

This is what I suggest;
The data shows that "furniture and equipment" and "other workers' salaries" experienced some decline by 10% and 4% respectively from 1981 to 1991.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teaching is harder than it was in the past. [4]

Yes, as Pahan says you need to improve your intro a little bit. However, your body paras seem to be fine as they contain reasons for justifying your position and also the examples to support your reason. However, if you were not able to manage time to complete the task, then stick to 2 body paras. The 4 para structure ( Intro, 2 body paras, Conclusion) is more than enough for you to earn a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]

First, you need to have a more meaningful title in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. This title has been attended by us and hope you would comply with this forum rule when you open future threads :)

Undergraduate / WHO AM I? 'dream to work as a game developer' [6]


.... The word "I" gets repeated too many times. Let's present these lines a bit differently;
I am sixteen years old and living in Bacolod City, Negros Occidental. I graduated from Negros Occidental High Schools.
My mother is a domestic helper in Hong Kong and the one who supports our financial needs and my grandmother's needs too. the financial needs of our family which includes our grandmother too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic rich-poor conflict [6]

To begin with,developed countries have earned their positions because ofby fulfilling basic criteriarequirements for progress.For example,justice,advanced education and marvelloussound healthcare system.SuchTherefore themore developed nations are in a position tocan export their expertise to less developed ones,in order to guide their ways for brighter future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How Dangerous Products are Dealt with in Three Countries [4]

In the Overview, you need to talk about the most obvious trend/ trends without any details. It is not another introduction that attempts to introduce the components of the graph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Total school spending in the UK [5]


I feel you can present more meaningful and obvious trends in this overview as these seem to be too general and nothing more specific about these graphs. This is what I suggest for the Overview;

Overall, the teacher's salaries had been the highest while insurance been the least expenditure in all three years.

Letters / appeal letter - personal hardship category [3]

I am writing this letter of appeal in hopeshope that you will reconsider your decision to noton decline of renewing my scholarship for the fall 2014-Spring 2015 semester. TheThis decision to not renew my scholarship was based on the fact that I failed to meet the minimum academic GPA of 3.0; my cumulative GPA for the Fall 2013/Spring 2014 academic year was a 2.78.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task - CHANGING CAREER AND PLACE OF LIVING ; POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [7]

Hi,
I have a small admin request - Have a more meaningful topic in the title (When you open a fresh thread, type a more relevant statement in the SUBJECT field) This is a forum rule. Your title has been attended by us for this essay.


I have provided you an approach in your other thread.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]

.... try to improve your timing to 30 mins, then you are on safe side and have more time to attend to fine tuning the essay :D

As I mentioned earlier, you write very well. However, I thought this guideline approach would help you during your practice sessions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Effects of Technology on people's relationship. [9]

This approach aims at helping you include all features in your essay (that are essential for scoring ) as well as helping you manage time effectively. This is a time bound task and you need to complete the task without half way done, if you look at a decent score. For that you need to organize your essay in a manner that helps you earn a good score while finishing the task on time. This approach has helped many students to complete the task efficiently and earn a good score. Hope it would help you too :)