Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important [8]

Appreciate Peter's effort in helping.


.... avoid expressing opinions that might lead to controversy; here one may argue dancing is prefered over music. Also you can present this better;
Music, one of the most preferred form of arts in this era, ....


Different people prefer different kinds of music.

Writing Feedback / Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS [10]


It is obvious


the key words here are " active smokers " and "passive smokers."


It is obvious that smoking is harmful to both active and passive smokers equally.


These are very good points, and they would certainly help you improve your essay :)

Essays / Qualities of a Global Citizen (help with theme) [7]


This is food for thought :)

I guess the following gives you important hints to start the essay;

There are some links you would find here that are written under the same topic. You may read them to get an idea how they have tackled this prompt. However, don't copy them as you may get caught to plagarism.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Agree or disagree? Patience is not a good thing;we should take actions at once. [3]


I disagree that patience is a bad characteristic of human beings.

You have written a very good essay and you display excellent writing skills. However, I would advise you to limit the number of reasons to one for one para becuase time management has a great bearing on this task. The examiners generally expect one reason with one specific example for one para. If you can construct four para essay, that would be able to secure you a very good score.

Writing Feedback / Which way is the best for a student to make new friends? (TOEFL) [3]


You don't have major grammar issues here. However, I find this is pretty weak as an idea. Actually your topic doesn't indicate that there are any debates going on this subject. This topic is not asking for your opinion about a debated topic and therefore this line sounds a bit out of topic.

Remember, this is your opening sentence with which you are going to make the first impression about your writing to the reader. So it is worth giving some extra effort for this line :)

My suggestion;
Nowadays, networking with others plays a crucial role in one's success. Therefore making new friends is very important for an individual and there are many ways that he or she can make friends.

Always keep a good alignment with your topic :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) universities should give importance in theoretical or practical educat [5]


Use the word "student" as it is more commonly used in connection with universities. "pupil" is more associated with the schools :)

Also keep it in plural as it sounds better that way;
Universities are places where students gain subject knowledge in depth.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: go to university or start work after school? going to uni is a better choice [5]


The academic credentials are the most important part of one's CV that help the person gain a competitive edge over others.


For instance, there is no question that a graduate from Harvard would be able to secure a good job.


Further, one would gain a great exposure during his or her university career.

Writing Feedback / University education or Work experience? Uni is more helpful in getting a job; IELTS [10]


Good opening : )


My recommendation;
gain hands on experience OR gain real life work experience


I believe that college or university education is a must for one to obtain a well-rounded exposure and direction in order to succeed in his or her desired career path.

Undergraduate / Alpinen Skiing; Bentley App/ change one thing [3]


I too agree with bubblegum101. You have presented the answere very creatively.
I only have one suggestion;


Have them in one sentence as the second one sounds incomplete;
Throughout my high school career I put lots of effort into everything I did although alpine ski racing consumed the most of it.

Writing Feedback / 'not practical, not fair'; Equal numbers of male and female students [4]


Topic talks about equal numbers, i.e. 50% of each gender and not fixed numbers. Better you try to keep an alignment with the topic always.


Students' preferences may vary according to their gender. Some courses that are generally prefered by male students may not be prefered by the female students.

Good arguments and good structure. :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) important decision of a teenager by himself or by parents [5]


I am not completely agreeing with it. OR However, I do not completely agree with it.


In my opinion, it is better if the decisions are made collectively with the contribution of both parents and children.
Your introduction follows a good structure.


... pay attention to grammar;
... teenagers should be given freedom....
Parents should give freedom to teenagers.

Undergraduate / Learning something new; Queens Admissions/ GOALS [4]


Well... you may a fun loving person and of course it is really good.But, when you apply for admission to a Uni, your primary focus is always the academics. Here, you don't talk anything about your academic goals and I think it is important to talk a little about them. You only talk about the goals with social orientation, which is also important. However, I wish if you included a line or two to tell them what your academic goals are.

Writing Feedback / Which matters more for the personality development?Born characteristics or Experience [6]


...as compared to others....


No matter in which family they are born


Abraham Lincoln whose father....


This sentence is too long.... You should have stopped at cobbler story :)

Writing Feedback / Social life rather than job can offer me the true happiness [10]


... I feel it is better if you re-arrange the order of this sentence. Its presentation as it is, does not flow clearly;
However, my social life enables me to stay close with the people who are important to me. Therefore I disagree with the statement and believe it is my social life that has more contribution to my happiness.

Undergraduate / 66 nursing home/ COVE; Colgate/ Community essay [8]


...taking Grandpa and Grandma to their physio therapist seemed arduous at first.


I find this sentence is too long. I suggest you to make two sentences


But handling these tasks, especially under difficult situations, helped me gain the ability to make quick decisions and mature faster than my age.

Undergraduate / Children of the roadside stands/ Common App [3]


I have asked this question from me quite often


and I concluded that it is all about a happy life with full of freedom.


... I guess it sounds better without the earlier part. :)


A thought that changed my perception of life.

Writing Feedback / Many parts of the world are losing important natural resourses [3]

Try and present your ideas in a simple way and don't use inappropriate key words because that may cause lots of harm to your essay. Most importantly you need to convince your arguments to the examiner and that you can do with simple writing and earn good marks. Pay attention to recommended essay structure because it is the best thing you can do for going for a good score.


We live in a very materialistic world in which people try to exploit natural resources. .... Always keep a good alignment with the topic. Don't deviate from it too much :)


This does not have a meaning now because the same idea you have presented in the previous sentence.

Writing Feedback / Which matters more for the personality development?Born characteristics or Experience [6]


The topic itself says that research shows this phenomenon. So, why don't you go by the topic?
Some research suggest that people are born with certain characteristics.
Always maintain a proper alignment with your topic and do not go out of topic. :)
However, it's a very good introduction!

Writing Feedback / Parents have an exceptionally great impact on their children; TOEFL [4]


You need to align your opening sentence with your topic better;
Some people argue that teachers in school have a better influence on the learning process of children.


....''that'' is used frequently in closer intervals :(
There are two reasons why I agree with the statement. First, parents spend more time with the children than anyone else. Secondly, no one can love or care for children as their parents do.

Your introduction is good as it follows a good structure :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay- Video games - Do the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? [2]


This opening sentence neither means anything important nor it does introduce your topic to the reader. The highlighted sections mean more or less the same and hence make one another redundant. My suggestion;

The popularity of video games increases day by day and hour by hour. Though it is undeniable that video games are a great outcome of modern advanced technology, I believe they are capable of having serious negative impacts on our society.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Internet reduces face-to-face contacts [6]


... you say that we should limit our interactions with this virtual world and this indirectly suggests that it has some negativity. So you must stress that part before you finish this line;

However, I would argue that we should limit our time spent in this virtual world due to significant negative influences it can cause.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing---ability and appearance in the work [3]


....employment issues are becoming more and more obvious and complicated and they have drawn attention of many concerned parties.


This sentence is loosely connected with the previous one. Actually your topic does not ask for reasons for such issues. It is asking what has more weight at the work place. Is it the appearance or the ability?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: go to university or start work after school? going to uni is a better choice [5]

Good introduction :)


I personally agree that following a degree course is the better option out of the two, because it would help broaden the perspectives of young people that would certainly help them progress in their future careers. .

Writing Feedback / Using cell phone while driving should be banned [6]


When you say "todays world" it gives the impression that you talk of something that is currently happening. So, you better talk in present tense;

In today's world, cell phones make our lives easier by offering convenient and efficient communication solutions such as mobile communication, text messaging, accessing internet etc.

Writing Feedback / My Teacher, the one who made an impact on me; Preparing for IELTS [3]

Hi,
I think you can write well. However, in this essay you only talk about the relationship you had with her and how she influenced you. These tasks generally follow certain structures. For this type of topic, you better introduce the character (briefly) to the reader first. Tell them about her demographics; how she looks, her traits etc. Then talk about your relationship. How she influenced you etc.

Writing Feedback / Effects of international travelling on nations/ IELTS [3]


As a result of globlaization...


It should be "host country"


It's better to present your opinion direct. My suggestion;
In my view, I think that the advantages of international tourism outweighs its disadvantages.


.... the highlighted part sounds a bit repetitive. My suggestion;
It helps people to understand different cultures and life-styles that promotes appreciating diversity and encouraging cultural harmony

Writing Feedback / What makes me happy? Ted x talk [3]


This is pretty confusing to me. If you are refering to a quote better have it in inverted commas. Anyways.... I strongly suggest you ot re-phrase this line. :)


I was happy when I saw my favorite soccer team was playing and especially when they were winning the game.

Writing Feedback / Young adults should be allowed to decide their profession on their own ; IELTS [11]


You must maintain one tense throughout the sentence.
I would suggest you to write a shorter introduction that introduces your topic very briefly and presents your opinion to the reader. You should spend more time in the body paras explaining the reasons for your opinion and supporting them with examples.

Writing Feedback / Job or social life? Which can effect more on one's happiness? (TOEFL) [3]


This is not a complete sentence. You need to combine this with another idea.


Obviously, different people follow different paths to achieve happiness since they perceive happiness differently.


For me, I believe that one can be happy by doing what that person values the most.

Writing Feedback / the best way to raise children is to encourage them to be independent thinkers. [5]


During my thirty years of life, I learned many things. However, out of all, the most important thing I learned is how to become a good parent.


The first reason is that children lack maturity to differentiate between the good and bad.

Writing Feedback / Colleges should offer more career-based courses for students future [8]


.... I have a problem in understanding this phrase. What do you mean? Is that you mean to say only a few people are happy with their jobs? If so, the right word is ''content'' and not ''contend'';

Quite a few of them are contented with the jobs they do that have some compatibility to academic background.


.... hands- on experience

First, universities and colleges are responsible for offering courses that contain career preparatory features to their students .

Writing Feedback / expression of one's belief should not be refrained; freedom for artists [4]


Creative works of the artists are an expression of their beliefs and ideas.


However, governments often take offence of some of these controversial art works and take action to ban them to prevent the public having access to such work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Should company use public recognition to reward hard working, not to use money. [4]

You are very good with your writing skills. I notice excellent sentences, vocabulary and grammar. However, I wish if you had given more specific examples to support your reasons. In this task, they expect you to include very specific examples. In your first body para, I do not find such specific examples. The banker's example in the second body para is fine. Absence of examples, it seems that you have not adequately backed your opinion.

Overall, it's a very good essay!

Graduate / What is the best country in the world? URUGUAY [4]


I does not have a large population, but every Uruguayan has a big heart.


People are friendly, educated and very helpful.


The living standard in Uruguay is quite good, however, the life runs at a slower pace.


It is very common to find Uruguayans on the streets sipping ''mate", a typical Uruguayan drink made out of herbs that are boiled in hot water.

Writing Feedback / Traveling in their own country Vs traveling in foreign countries; TOEFL [5]


convenient transportation


Therefore there are more travel options available for people today such as domestic traveling and foreign traveling.


In my opinion, I think travelling overseas is a better option than inbound travelling because of many opportunities one would gain from foreign travelling.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS ESSAY] what, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university? [4]


Sure... : D
I'm from Sri Lanka, a country which has very close relationships with China :D
Ok... give me your e-mail address and I shall write to you. Also keep posting your essays to this forum and I would give my feedbacks whenever my eyes catch your name ;)


In this body para, you have given the reasons but you have not supported them with specific examples. My suggestion is to limit your reasons to one reason for one para and support that with a specific example. Read good essays in this forum.

Writing Feedback / What contributes on an enjoyable vacation? Good friend to travel-TOEFL [3]


... when you use the word "most" it gives an impression of the "majority". So better be on the safe side ;)


... typo ;)


taste different kinds of food


and gain valuable experiences.


However, travelling always means that you will be exposed to unfamiliar environments

Writing Feedback / Interdisciplinary; It is better to have broad knowledge or to be specialized? [4]


... My suggestion;
Today there is more focus on interdisciplinary. Therefore many universities have introduced curriculum that include subjects from several different disciplines in order to equip students with an assortment of knowledge in several fields.


.... I wish if you said this more direct;
I support this trend for the following reasons.

Writing Feedback / If you have enough money, would you purchase either a house or a business? [3]


... sounds better without "only one''


Having a house makes people feel secured.


However, a business would provide them with earning a living.


.... The word "prefer" is more appropriate here, because you talk of a liking for something over antother. :)

Good points! :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Gene or environment more influential in character [6]


Great opening :) and clever introduction; It's very well presented :)


.... great idea , very clever :D
Even if the seed is not from good breed, still we have options for upgrading its quality by using various hybrid techniques.
I enjoyed reading your essay. Your essays sound great now :)