Scholarship / Undergrad Scholarship Essay About My Beliefs and Values - "Cooperation, Diligence, and Duty" [3]

You have written an effective essay that clearly explains your belief and value in terms of community and teamwork. The fact that you had helped others in the process shows your strong affinity for building a solid community based on teamwork, as was probably instilled in you by your parents and grandparents . The fact that you had a basis to explain why you chose these values really helped your presentation. It shows a generational foundation for the belief and value system. You showed more than just dutiful diligence in this case. However, accountancy does not figure in the discussion because there was no reference made to it in the explanation. That doesn't matter at this point. The prompt had nothing to do with your college course choice anyway. This is more of a character study on the part of the reviewer. He is analyzing you based on the prompt requirements.

I cannot speak for the adcom in this case. I do not know what they are truly looking for in the incoming freshmen students. So, I have no basis of deciding if you will get into the program or not. All I can say is that you did good enough with this presentation. It is simple, direct to the point, and informative. Yes, since you already explained what the World Scholar's Cup is about, there is no sense in repeating it in this essay. Always avoid repeating your information, the prompts are tailor made to avoid that. Which is why students who constantly repeat information in their essays tend to weaken their chances of getting any scholarship or admission into a program.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 : line graph - domestic access to technology [4]

You are writing a task 1 essay that has a word range of 175-190 words. Although the minimum is 150, you should write at least 175 words so that you can gain a mid range scoring consideration in all aspects. Writing that number of words will also keep you within the 20 minute time range. You have written such a long essay at 226 words, that you practically presented a Task 2 essay already. This is only a simple analysis, not a personal opinion paper. Sure, you type fast and you are taking the CBT test. That still does not account for the fact that you failed to proof read your paper for GRA and LR errors.

Your first paragraph, the summary overview is confusing. The first sentence mixes 3 different information presentations in a long sentence. You misunderstood what comprises a complex sentence. A complex sentence is not based on the length of a sentence.The common definition of a complex sentence is :

A sentence or sentences that is / are made up of one independent clause (or main clause) and one or more dependent clauses (or subordinate clauses). The dependent clause is introduced and linked to the independent clause by a subordinating conjunction.

Your presentation does not follow this presentation pattern. Instead, it delivers a confusing mix of information, compressed into one sentence. You can bet that the opening sentence alone will have a heavy effect on your GRA score along with your C&C consideration. This sentence alone is enough to start your scoring basis on a failing mark. Separate the ideas into individual sentences of at least 3-5 per paragraph. That is how you avoid getting penalties in the scoring sections I mentioned. By the way, you forgot to make a reference to "domestic access" in your presentation as that is a keyword from the original that should be included as an information source in the summary presentation.

While your discussion is intricate, it is taking too long to get to the point. When you are writing a report, the reader does not have time to go through over worded presentations. Time is of the essence. The essay test is asking you quickly, but clearly and understandably present the information provided. Consider the audience you are writing for. Who are presenting this to? Professionals or lay persons? If it is for lay persons, then they do not have any interest in this wordy presentation. Get to the point already.

Undergraduate / Overcoming a static mindset [2]

You are 15 words over the limit without addressing any aspect of the prompt requirement. There is no reference to the point of view from other people regarding your character, only an over emphasis in the victim mentality, which is not exactly something that you should be proud of either. Although you overcame it eventually, the fact that it does not relate to any persona as seen by the required people as stated in the prompt makes this unusable. Review the prompt again and focus first, on presenting your character traits that these people admire the most about you, or do not admire about you. Then present a "proud moment" related to either overcoming the negative image or, reinforcing the positive image that they have presented about you. The point of view of others is highly important in this essay and you failed to reflect that properly. However, you cannot focus only on your basketball team. You have to look at the prompt and describe yourself based on the opinion of at least 2 of the people in the list. Pick the ones whom you feel will have a point of view of you as a person, that can help your application and easily be reflected in your proudest moment.

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum Motivational Letter - Communication and Media Studies MA [3]

Even though the letter does not require it, the reviewer would appreciate a simple explanation that would explain your motivation to move from animation to communications. Since you are shifting from one course to another, you have to show either an integration of your animation career skills into Communication and Media or, discuss why you decided that you were in the wrong career at the time you were already going down that career path. This would be the personal motivation for your desire to pursue this line of study at present.

The overall information is enlightening and supports your application as a student. However, when a career change is involved, you will need to reflect the motivation for that as well. The inclusion of that information will require you to revise the total presentation of your essay to fit the word count as indicated in the application form.

Undergraduate / Health Studies Program [AIF] -University Of Waterloo Entrance [3]

The academic goal is acceptable and highly specific. It covers both an academic and professional reference. However, your personal goal is forgettable, uninformative, and does not really help the reviewer to understand what your personal interest in the course is or how your personal experiences have affected your decision to enroll in the course. The word interfere in the passage below represents incorrect word usage:


Are you really telling the reviewer that you are interested in a course that is blocking or obstructing your desire to learn? I am sure you did not mean to refer to coming to an opposition about something related to healthcare right? Think about what you want to really say in that sentence and then, rewrite it. Aside from these observations, the overall statement is acceptable already as a response to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph of at least 50 words to about it why you like/don't like it. [3]

There is no image provided, so I cannot really compare your statement with it. Please include the image next time. I am also unclear about whether this is a 2 statement discussion or a single reference discussion. Do you choose between the two opinions or, do you discuss just one? I will assume that you have to discuss both, due to the lack of instruction guidelines.

For a statement like this, you do not need to describe the place you prefer or like in terms of its physical presentation. You have already stated that this is a restaurant near the school you attend. That is all the reader needs to know. You have told us what you like about the restaurant, which meets the "why you like it" part of the statement. However, the "don't like it part" is missing. Maybe because you chose to describe the restaurant in detail instead. Had you skipped the discussion and told us what you may not like in the restaurant instead, then the statement would have been more responsive.

Anyway, I am just making assumptions here since you did not give me any solid review reference points to go by. Take my relevant advice and feel free to disregard anything that doesn't apply. You are the only one, at this point, who knows what this statement needs to actually contain. I will reserve my more relevant reviews for your next practice statement, provided you give me the review points along with the statement post.

Writing Feedback / Some people believed that unpaid community services should be a part of the high school programmers. [4]

There was nothing in the original prompt to indicate that the topic is a "highly debatable topic". The reference made was only to a discussion between parties. There is a difference between a discussion and a debate. Be careful with your alternative word choices, a mistake in keyword alteration can totally change the premise of the original discussion, as evident in your restatement. Additionally, parents are not the ones giving an opinion here, just people in general. That is another keyword alteration that changed the reference point for this essay. It is fast becoming a totally different discussion based on your keyword alterations. You cannot be convinced by the discussion, you need to offer an extent statement in that section. So you have something like "I am in total support of this idea because..." This restatement is not very good. It doesn't really follow the rewriting requirements in an applicable manner. However, you will still be scored on the relevant discussion points as the examiner may perceive your response to be.

There is a standard paragraph format for these presentations. Regardless of whether it is the restatement, the reasoning discussion, or the reverse paraphrase conclusion, these all have to be within 3-5 sentences. While you did write 250 words, the discussion paragraphs need more work. It has to be developed further for clarity, proper explanation, and the inclusion of more relevant examples. By the way, the discussion paragraphs should only be 2 paragraphs. This is not a 5 paragraph discussion. In fact, your final reasoning paragraph is so short, it will actually pose a deduction, rather than an increase in your final score. The same goes for the conclusion that does not have at least 40 words and 3 sentences in it. It does not reflect a clear restatement of the previous discussion. Specially since you show uncertainty in that paragraph with the word "I think", meaning your overall TA score will be based on a non-definitive opinion regarding the topic.

Undergraduate / My independence and ability to materialize goals - Tell us about who you are [2]

You are focused only on your proudest achievement. You have not focused on the way that various people, based on the prompt requirement, would describe you. It is not advisable to use a one description fits all for this statement because the reviewer is trying to get an idea of who you are to various people. Every person will have a different point of view regarding who you are, in relation to them. So present your many faceted faces, based upon how these people deal with you and then, look for an achievement that will collectively show the reviewer how you merge all those personalities into one person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Task 2: international travel and the spread of mass media benefits human beings [2]

Let's start with the first paragraph. In the introduction, you are using a memorized phrase to kick off the presentation. "In the modern day and ages" is actually grammatically incorrect as it should be written as "In these modern days and ages". That is not the point though, the problem with that presentation is, it does nothing for your TA score. You could have properly written this restatement in as little as two sentences. You could have started at "The invention of.." and have given a better hook to the reader in the presentation. By the way, convenient transport and extensive coverage of network do not mean the same thing as international travel and various kinds of mass media. The proper alternative references should have been:

International travel - global trekking, globe trotting, world wide excursions
Mass media - electronic media, information media, broadcast media

I strongly urge you to get a hold of a thesaurus while you still can. The thesaurus is a collection of alternative words that you can use to replace keywords in the original presentation. You can download those from the App store or Google Play. When you download one, let me know so I can instruct you on how to properly use it. Trust me, it is going to help increase your TA and LR score tremendously. You must never repeat the usage of the keyword in the discussion paragraphs or prompt restatement. You have to avoid that in order to prove your proficiency in the use of various English words.

This is a 4 paragraph essay that uses the following discussion paragraph format:

Sentence 1: Mention a Disadvantage as the topic sentence.
Sentence 2: Explain why people see this as a disadvantage (one topic paragraph for international travel and another for mass media)
Sentence 3: Transition to the advantage discussion by presenting your advantage opinion
Sentence 4: Offer an explanation for your opinion
Sentence 5: Use a supporting example.

The problem with your essay is that you deviated from the given discussion topic. Which is why the discussion went off course and thus, became irrelevant to the given task. Refer to the following:

Original Reason: possible than ever for people to know how other people live in other countries.

You decided that for international travel, you would use "stimulation to the tourism industry" and for mass media, you would focus on international journalism and various reasons, rather than a single focused reason based on the spread of mass media. Then you presented a personal opinion that did not anchor itself on the original reason for the discussion. So the essay is totally unrelated to the original prompt.

Since the original reason was not used in the discussion essay, you know the kind of score that this essay can get. Perhaps you need to work on some English comprehension exercises to help improve your reading and comprehension skills. Avail yourself of the online practice tests for English comprehension before you try to write another Task 2 essay.

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum Motivation Letter for Bacherol's Communication and Media Science [3]

In the second paragraph, change the reference from elementary school to high school. That time frame will be more applicable to your narrative. Then change the professor to some sort of writing adviser to give his opinion more impact. Maybe you were part of the school journal or perhaps a member of a literary club, or any other activity that relates to journalism or writing that would have called the attention of the "professor" to your writing skills. It would be a better motivation if you can explain why his words stuck with you all this time and how you moved to prove to him that you were not going to fall into the water. That will help create a stronger motivating factor for you, the fear or proving this professor right or, the motivation to prove him wrong. I think you should focus on the latter.

Language is always the reason used as a barrier in these applications. Can you think of some other obstacle you have to overcome that is not related to a commonly used reference point? The reviewer may not find that interesting, impressive, or an important obstacle to overcome at this point. Maybe refer to how you are European and yet, different from the Hungarians? A glaring cultural difference perhaps?

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE/ MS in Human Nutrition in South Korea / [GSP] [2]

You can skip the first paragraph in relation to the TOPIK test. That is irrelevant to the discussion which should only focus on your goal of study, subject of the research, and the detailed study plan. You should however, keep the reference to the work experience you have from your time in Mexico City as this relevant to proving the purpose of your research.

Now, when it comes to discussing the universities you have chosen, you do not really relate the courses these universities offer to your study. So the purpose of choosing the universities do not add to the purpose of your research. Why are these courses essential to your research? How will it make you a better professional? You are summarizing the information rather than explaining the relevance of these courses to your research and future profession.

The same problem exists when you refer to the professors you hope to be mentored by. How does their research relate to yours? How will your addition to their research team benefit the professors? What do you expect to learn from them that you can apply to your own career upon graduation? How does exposure to them serve a purpose for your end goal.

Your last paragraph should be the opening statement for this essay. It should be the introduction to the SOP because it contains a summary of everything you hope to achieve by studying this course. It is far more relevant than the TOPIK discussion. If you bring that paragraph up, you will have a hook to reel in the reviewer by. You can adjust the other paragraphs as necessary to suit the actual statement of purpose in the first paragraph.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship - Can professional background be far more greater favorable than academic [2]

Paragraph 5 should be placed int he SOP, not in the motivation letter. That reference is more relevant to the purpose of your studies as an academic foundation for your interests. Replace that discussion instead with the current missing discussion factor in the essay. Show the reviewer that you have familiarized yourself with your chosen masters course and university based on the reference to the study program and the objectives that it relates to. The reviewer is looking for evidence that you have properly considered the masters course and university that you have chosen, based on its relevance to your current and future career.

Aside from this missing element, the grammar also needs some work in some places. Editing is required for clarity or grammar improvement. These errors do not reduce the ability of this to be an effective motivational letter though. You can do that sort of simple editing yourself. What is important, is that the essay focus on the motivation aspect. You have shown a clear personal, professional, and academic reason for pursuing this masters course. You just have to improve upon the content a little bit more.

Letters / My interest in Biotechnology - Motivation letter [3]

You have mixed up the content for a statement of purpose, personal statement, and motivational letter in this presentation. It does not start off as a motivating letter and it does not end as a motivation letter. The actual motivating aspect is only one paragraph long that should have been the focal point of the motivation letter. The only aspect of this essay, that actually relates to a motivation is:


What research? Why were you motivated to pursue this research? What is your academic motivation? What do you hope to learn? Why were you motivated to apply at this university? How does the university motivate you to proceed with your research there? If the focus of your research is Cancer, then you need to be more specific since cancer is practically a generic research in the medical field these days. All of the medical school graduates who wish to pursue a masters degree, even though they did not pursue Oncology as a specialization, choose Cancer as their motivating factor. The essay needs to focus on the topic of Cancer as your motivation. Consider the academic, personal, and social motivations ( in no particular order) Then relate those to your future career plan. What do you find exciting about the next step in your career and how does that motivate you to pursue studies on an international rather than local scale?

Letters / Regional studies and linguistics - Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus programme Euroculture [3]

While this is a relatively strong essay, there are certain parts that could have been strengthened as a part of your motivation for academic studies. In paragraph 3, you mentioned relevant work experience in relation to the masters you wish to pursue. However, you did not really heighten the motivational aspect of this section. What sort of profession exposure did you gain in this department that motivated you gain an interest in masters studies? How did this realization influence your decision?

The background in Regional Studies should have a professional application on your part. It has to reinforce your motivation to seek more understanding of politics, diplomatic relationships, and economics in the region, or at least with the countries that Georgia has diplomatic or bilateral relationships with. Do not gloss over these segments. These are the heavy motivating factors for your decision to pursue higher studies.

You can reduce the reference to your bachelors studies and experiences in this presentation. The motivation needs to be more profession based rather than undergraduate based. While this shows your academic foundation, it does not move your professional training in the related field forward. A masters course requires at least 2 years work experience and you seem to be negating that importance in your presentation.

Letters / Mechanical engineering program offered by faculty of engineering in university of Debrecen [4]

The motivational letter cannot start with a childhood interest. If you had said an interest that developed as a teenager, then that would be more acceptable. The first paragraph is totally incorrect and cannot be presented in this essay. You have not established a development of your interest in this major based upon your STEM subjects and theoretical learning that could prove to support the career path you want to take. Remove the information in the parenthesis. Focus on a particular field of mechanical engineering you are motivated to study instead. The motivational letter should not be a personal statement, which is what the first half of your presentation is. So you have to revise that to have a motivational focus instead. Read the various samples here. Those should help guide you towards a more appropriate motivational letter.

Undergraduate / The jigsaw puzzle of my dreams. Motivation letter to Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship Program [3]

There is no clear relationship between your actual profession, your college studies, and your choice of masters course for your studies. Without a clear connection between the three, it is going to be difficult for you to justify your qualifications in terms of academic relevance and professional application. As you are applying for admissions to a masters course in relation to business, you have to be sure that you can present proper skills and professional considerations that would make you a qualified applicant. I do not see that in this presentation. It is almost as if you are trying to effect yet another career change for yourself, which is not what this scholarship helps you do. This is not a scholarship for people who lack a professional focus in life. Rather, the qualified candidates for this scholarship have a razor focus on what they want to be in the future, in relation to the solid undergraduate and professional foundation of their career. I am not sure if you can qualify for this scholarship based on this hodgepodge of information you are presenting to the reviewer.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Erasmus (EMJMD) Scholarship Flood Risk Management (FRM) [2]

There is a slight problem with the essay that you wrote, there was an over emphasis on the reference to FRM in your country. That over emphasis made you forget that you need to keep the connection between yourself and the FRM study programme after you have completed the course. You spoke of returning to your home country and working for a specific government agency, but you forgot to indicate how your work there can benefit the FRM research or study results of the EMJMD scholars. If you can just revise the first part of the essay to create a more concise reference to the problem and the government project so that you can accommodate the reference to the post graduation discussion reference, the essay should be more prompt compliant.

Letters / IT studies - Stipendium Hungaricum - Motivation Letter for BSc in Electrical Engineering [5]

In response to your question, yes, you need to completely rewrite this essay. You are nowhere near the requirements of the discussion. The discussion instructions requires you to discuss what your career plan is. You can base this on what you hope to achieve as an electrical engineer after you have completed your course of study. So, think of at least a 2 year career plan. Why 2 years? Well, after two years, you can opt to study a masters course in relation to your profession. So the placeholder for the end of your career plan will be exactly that, taking an MA in a certain course. That is, after you have garnered enough professional experience within 2 years that will show your ability to progress in this career.

What is the plan after you graduate? Where do you plan to apply for a job? Why there? What is the aim for the first year of your career? Do you plan to switch companies within 2 years? Why? Where will you apply? Why that company? Where do your see that transfer taking your career? Will that eventually lead to an MA? What professional skills do you hope to develop during this time frame? How is that relevant to your line of work? Do you plan to specialize in it? These are but a few of the discussion questions you can consider responding to as you develop your more appropriate draft response essay.

Book Reports / The Transition of Hamlet's Disposition [2]

I am not sure what you mean by "edit". Editing work is actually one of our paid services. We do not do that in the public forum due to the time and skills that it takes to properly edit such a long piece of academic work. I can however, tell you that your use of the English language is just fine. Nobody will make fun of you for what you wrote. However, you are really redundant when it comes to the use of the phrase "antic disposition". You should find other alternative psychological references for the same word. It becomes really boring later on. You also seem to just restate the first paragraph in a shortened form in your concluding paragraph. You can avoid the recap at that point since you extent the conclusion into the outcome of Hamlet's actions.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum - Motivation letter to apply for Phd program in Neurosciences [3]

The first thing you have to do is stop using bold letters to emphasize your statements in the essay. It is irritating and shows a lack of academic professionalism on your part. It is rude and shows a clear disrespect to the reviewer, who may decide to disqualify you simply on the basis of not liking the way that you formatted the motivation letter. Additionally, never use any information in a parenthesis in the motivation letter. Either you present is as a notable fact or not at all, there as no "asides" in this presentation. If you do not feel the information is that important, which is what the parenthesis indicates, then do not include it at all.

There is a missing link in this motivational letter. You are not implying any skills or theories gained during your masters studies that would allow you to become an active and useful participant in the team of researchers that you hope to join under Dr. Nyiri. This weakens your motivational letter. You need to have a serious research based motivation if you wish to mentored by a specific professor, whose work you are interested in. Does your masters thesis tie in with the research the doctor is doing? Is there a way you can collaborate to develop each other's research focus? As a research lecturer, surely you have some specific lectures in mind that will benefit from additional research as a PhD student.

Research Papers / The Academic Institutions in The United States Should Take a More Holistic Approach to Education [2]

You can further extent the content of this essay if you spend more time expanding on your personal opinion / explanation of the quoted text. You seem to be heavily relying on the explanations and information of other people in the presentation. The problem with that is, you failed to acknowledge your opinion or understanding of the text. If you give a statement of support or a contradiction to the given statement, then you will be able to better discuss the content, and extend the framework of the essay. You should be able to properly extend to at least half a page if you offer personal insight in every paragraph, based on your actual opinion of the discussion. You should not always offer a general point of view in these research essays. Your personal opinion matters too. It should be just as represented as the general reference.

Writing Feedback / Chosing a career path... {discuss/opinion} [4]

While you did well in discussing the topic based on the given discussion points, you failed to do the same thing for your personal opinion presentation. It is too short. It fails to represent your opinion in a manner that you thoroughly used to discuss the public opinions. You need to have a balanced discussion that shows how you considered both public opinions before coming to your own opinion.

You have grammar and punctuation issues in the essay that you should have corrected during the proof reading of your draft. Never forget to check for grammar, spelling, and clarity issues in your draft before you consider it as the final copy. These are the 3 basic errors that exam takers forget to look out for and oftentimes, these cause the most deduction reasons in the final score.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum - Political Science and International Relations BA [3]

Paragraph 3 is irrelevant. The assumption is that you have already completed your dissertation defense and will have graduated, or are scheduled to graduate within the prescribed schedule. You should not divert the attention of the reviewer with the reference to your being a musician and working at various companies, which do not relate directly to your motivation in an academic or personal manner. The essay, I believe, is strongest when you remove that paragraph and focus only on the motivational aspect as indicated by the prompt.

There are specific strengths in your essay that make this a notable motivational letter. Learning different languages beforehand, and having international cultural exposure through other scholarships will immediately make you an impressive applicant. Your accomplishments as a masters degree student help heighten the importance of your doctoral degree. Even your future plans after graduation show a solid career plan and potential for improvements. You have made yourself a contender for the scholarship with this essay. Provided you remove the 3rd paragraph as I indicated. Replace the content of that paragraph with your study experience in Poland instead, that will help reinforce the idea that you will be a credit to the program as an international student. Maybe use the non-government organization participation, if you can somehow relate that with the focus of your studies. If not, then focus on the cultural aspect instead.

Writing Feedback / Both sexs are working full time. Logical for women and men to share household works.(agree/disagree) [4]

You did an almost excellent job in the restatement. You represented the topic and the reason for the discussion in a manner that I hope, represents the original prompt, without repeating any keywords. I would have preferred to read the original prompt to give a more detailed analysis of that section of your writing, but this will have to do. I'll just assume you did not repeat key phrases. By the way, your response to the question, it has a missing descriptive word that would have given the sentence proper meaning. You forgot to say "In my personal OPINION", since that is what was being asked for in the discussion instruction.

The reasoning paragraphs are too busy. You are offering way too much justification without focusing on the important scoring considerations such as the LR, GRA, or C&C sections. It would have been better if you stopped after 5 sentences, instead of proceeding to overwhelm the paragraph with information that no longer helps your discussion point. It created avenues for language errors in terms of sentence structure, word usage, and discussion focus. In this case, saying what you you have to say in a clear manner without being too wordy, would help you get a better score in the previous sections I mentioned.

Your conclusion presentation needs to be able to summarize the essay content within 3-5 sentences or 40 words. That is another reason why you should not offer too much evidence per paragraph. It makes it difficult for you to properly recapitulate the content at the end.

Writing Feedback / In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think it is a good idea [3]

Since the original discussion referred to some countries, it was inappropriate of you to make a reference to the Technology Age as the discussion topic basis. That is not the actual prompt topic. You should have given a more identical topic representation to the original. So no reference to Technology Age but definitely refer to "Your adults worldwide". You should not have offered a personal reason in the second sentence yet. While this should have been a 3 sentence presentation, using personal opinions this early, when it is not yet required for the discussion, should not have been something that you did. While the presentation has good points in relation to the original prompt, there are also negative presentations, that alter the original discussion. So the TA score will be starting your scoring consideration off at a disadvantage.

Do not use creative writing punctuation marks in academic writing. There is no sense in using ellipses in the second paragraph because you are not referring to a creative pause in your writing. You are closing the sentence, as required in academic presentations. avoid using non-academic references such as "more and more". These are memorized phrases that will not help increase your TA, LR, or GRA scores.

This is a single opinion essay presentation. Using the comparative paragraph will not count towards your final score. Instead, it might force you to come under the minimum word count, resulting in a non word count compliant essay, with deductions applied for not fully discussing your single opinion presentation. The conclusion, is less than 40 words and is not composed of 2 sentences so expect to have additional TA score reductions based on that error.

Your overall essay has only 231 words. So there will be proper deductions for the missing 19 words. Incorporate the deductions for the irrelevant paragraph and you will definitely have a non-passing essay presentation for this task. Always use 2-5 sentences per paragraph to help ensure that you meet the minimum word count. The more complex and simple sentence presentations you have, the higher your word count will also be. Aim to write between 275-290 words in 5 sentences, within 4 paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Task 2: Should Western countries change their diet? [2]

There is no reference to convenience food in the original prompt. So you changed the discussion focus in this case. The reference is on the diet in general, there is no specific food style being indicated. Do not change the topic in your representation. Your second sentence is more appropriate as it refers to the general diet of the those living in the West. That should have been the opening sentence / topic representation. You are using contractions so early in the presentation. This removes the academic tone of your writing. Use a professional writing style or a student writing style. That means, no contractions, Use the whole word. There is no sense in using shortcuts when you are trying to prove a familiarity with the English grammar rules under the GRA considerations.

Do not use exaggerated reference words such as "devastating". There is no need to be sensationalist. You are not writing for a tabloid. You are writing for educated professionals who understand civil reference words and do not take kindly to over hyped references. I realize you are trying to improve your LR score, but do so using an academic manner / choice of words.

Try not to refer to "recent research" since you are asked to refer to personal knowledge or experience. You can use the percentage data, but in a conversational tone. No need to make references to the source of information. This is just an academic discussion, not a research paper. When you say "recent research", you have to cite the source, which is not needed in this writing so it is better not to make any reference to sources at all.

Again with the use of "trigger" words. Do not create sensationalism where there is none. The word "alarmist" is totally exaggerated and refers to non-academic discussion. You are not writing for fake news here. No need to make people panic. Write in an even, calm, and academic tone instead.

There is no such word as "oneunnumbered". Were you trying to say "innumerable" instead? Do not use words you are not certain of, the negative impact of using uncertain words will be on your LR and GRA score.

There is no need to offer a suggestion regarding preventing the effects of obesity, This is a prompt deviation that will be deducted from your overall word count and will be taken against your TA score. Most specially since you used the suggestion for your concluding statement rather than the more appropriate reverse paraphrase presentation.

Writing Feedback / Topic: There's no need to volunteer as very few teenager can benefit from volunteer work,IELTS2. [6]

It is important to make it clear in the paraphrasing that you are presenting an idea or opinion that is not your own. It is important to use third person pronouns in that section to be able to deliver the clarity of the other party or parties, opinion(s). In this presentation, it appears that you are contradicting your own statement, thus leaving the paragraph with an unclear opinion. Ensure that you always identify whose opinion, idea, or sentiment is being presented to clarify that the last sentence is your response to the prompt question or discussion instruction.

You are referring to an unrelated topic in the second paragraph. You are discussing living away from home, which cannot be taken to have the same meaning as young adults participating in volunteer work. There is a stark difference between the two scenarios. The focus of the discussion should only be on volunteer work, not on other unrelated tasks, activities, or living conditions.

Your third paragraph is not clear in terms of explanations either. In the opinion statement, you said that you disagree with the statement provided. However, you are constantly giving reasons to support the need for volunteering or community service among teenagers. There is a difference between your response to the question and, the reasons you provided. One does not support the other.

Based on the short summary you provided, it is clear that you did not provide reasons to support a disagreeing statement in the essay. To disagree means to not support the previous idea. That is not what you did in this statement. You strengthened the original information based on your reasons, running counter to the instructions for the discussion. You should have indicated why there are no benefits to volunteering and why volunteering will not help youngsters make a difference in society. What you explained actually supports the idea that volunteerism is beneficial to the youth.

Undergraduate / DESCRIBE UP TO FIVE ACTIVITIES THAT YOU HAVE PURSUED OR ACCOMPLISHMENT ACHIEVED [2]

The first activity is something that falls under the "Achievement" classification of the prompt. This shows your potential as a member of the student community in the sense that you will be able to offer a service that can help you become a part of the community.

The second one is an activity that you pursue on a personal basis, for personal reasons. How would that apply to the student community? I do not believe this is an activity that falls under either classification. It is not impressive enough even on a personal note as this is an activity that all children, regardless of the status of their family tend to perform.

The third activity can be considered an accomplishment on your part since you have shown your ability to be helpful and cooperative with your neighbors. It depicts how your relationship with the student community, your dorm mates, or study group members might go. It is a positive character depiction that can serve to help your application.

Letters / Motivation Letter - Stipendium Hungaricum - MSc in Biology in University of Debrecen [3]

The essay is strong overall. However, the reference to Noble Prize winners does not add the impact of your motivation. That reference is so commonplace that the reviewers are no longer impressed by the "important" referencing that the students think they make with this "impactful" reference. It does not add to the strength of your motivation. It is a tired reason that you can opt not to use as a reference anymore. Rather, focus the motivation on the accomplishments of the Dr. S, that you are eager to further understand by direct exposure to his work ethics. When you refer to the Noble Prize winners, you are, to use your own quote from Dr. S, "following the pack" rather than making yourself stand out. This is already an outstanding essay that focuses on your motivation in relation to learning. It works in more ways than one. Just omit the Noble Prize winner reference. I mean, that is what I would do to make my essay stand out, use uncommon motivation references.

Writing Feedback / IGCSE Descriptive Essay - The Abandoned house [2]

In the description of the sky, you said it was naked right? So how a naked sky have roaring eyes crawling about? If the sky is naked, then it cannot have crawling eyes. That is a contradictory description that does help me create a mental image of what you are saying. Yes, you can be exaggerated int he description, but you have to be realistic. The description should help create the mental image. So if the sky was naked, then it could have shots of bluish light flashing across it, since you are describing an oncoming storm

Naked sky + shooting lights = imagery

Lividness is not a word that can be found in the dictionary. You made up a word back there that again, does not help in creating an image. You could instead have written "lividity", which can describe anger as the wind rips the branches off. Remember, word accuracy counts. If you make it up or it doesn't have an actual meaning, it will not help your description as the reader will not be able to create a mental image for it. Torrential rain is more apt than torrential wind as a descriptive word in this presentation.

It is difficult to imagine you being sweaty in the middle of the rainstorm you are describing. You have to keep with the image you are building. You are not sweating, you should be shivering in the cold with your skin hairs standing on end.

Gusts of wind are what occur not gushes.

Look, I am ending up having to give you a vocabulary lesson in this case, I should not be rewriting this essay for you. All this exercise proves is that you are not good at descriptive essay writing because you do not have enough of a vocabulary to create mental images with in written form. You have to read more fictional English books and take note of how the writers describe their scenes. That will teach you vocabulary and proper scene set up writing. You should also read more English based comic books as these are always using descriptive words in their dialogues. That type of reading will definitely help you develop better imagery skills in written form. As of now, you have made a good effort, but you are far from achieving your goal at the moment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2＿the role of teacher in modern education [2]


This is only a discussion essay. There is no instruction asking you if the statement being made is true or false. It is important that you donot alter the original presentation in any way, within your rewording of the topic. That is because of the task accuracy requirements that analyzes how well you can adhere to the original presentation, without adding, removing, or giving a personal opinion that will change the original prese4ntation. The mere presence of this opening sentence already changed the statement from a discussion topic to a personal opinion. Expect to have score reductions in the TA score due to that information addition. Your opening paraphrase in fact, does not adhere to the original prompt restatement as you began discussing an opinion, rather than merely restating the topic and responding to the question, without a discussion scope for your reasons yet. The first paragraph is always a paraphrase of the original, with a response to the given question. You will not get a passing TA score due to the overall error in your restatement. You did not respond to the question as required.

Do not use contractions in the Task 2 presentation. Contractions are shortened forms of English words that are not academically acceptable in formal writing. Your Task 2 essay is a formal piece of writing. As such, the full word must be spelled out. The contractions have the ability to lower your GRA score as you are not using the appropriate writing style in the presentation.

There is no plural word for information. The plural form is the same as the singular form. This will again, lower your GRA as you show that you do not have a proper grasp of how English words are formed. This also affects your LR score because you show an unfamiliarity with the word usage and formation.

There are just too many errors in this presentation for me to cover in this review. The bottom for your essay is just this, it is not a passing essay based on content, word formation, sentence clarity, and prompt adherence. You even failed to create a proper concluding paragraph creating an open ended rather than concluded essay. The length of the essay will not justify a passing grade due to your failure to score properly in the grading rubic.

Writing Feedback / Which of the inventions in the twenty-first century has been the most significant for the world? Why [3]

Your discussion presentation is too confusing for the native English reader. You are referring to the enemy of the world, rather than an invention that is significant. Then you said that the UK made a Covid-19 vaccine. That is an incorrect reference as the UK did not invent the vaccine. Almost every progressive country in the world has developed their own vaccine. To say that the UK invented it is incorrect. You show a lack of knowledge regarding current events at this point. The presentation is based on faulty information and even faultier sentence structures. The grammar throughout the essay is so bad, it is difficult for a native English speaker / reader to understand what you are trying to say.

The uneven information presentation, specifically when it comes to the development of the Covid vaccine created an essay that lacks authoritative presentations. First you claimed the UK invented the vaccine, then you said several labs developed it. Which is it?

I believe you are trying to respond to a Task 2 prompt. However, you lack the basic understanding of the English language with which to create understandable simple sentences. You must go and learn the English basics first stemming from the structure of the simplest English sentences, before you try and express yourself in an English essay. This type of essay presentation will deliver a failing score to you in an actual test based on the following reasons:

- Lack of idea development
- lack of organizational features
- lack of control over word usage and word formation
- Errors in sentence formation and grammar usage create incoherent sentence and paragraph formations

You may also use these errors to help you study the rudiments of English writing as is necessary.

Scholarship / Arts and Social Sciences - Korean MBA program - government GKS (Personal statement) [3]

The essay does not offer a clear motivation for your interest in the program you are applying to. The over extended professional background approach should be shortened to a single paragraph. Reply to the question "how does your education and work experience relate to the GKS program?" FRankly speaking, I do not see any relationship because you under represented your educational background and lacked a proper GKS relationship with your work experience presentation. One way of responding to that would be to refer to how Korea does the same business, in an improved manner over your own country. Thus proving a professional skills development motivation on your part.

There isn't much reference either to your background and interests that prove your ability to participate in graduate research. Try to build on that through a more expansive discussion of your education, particularly in terms of your undergraduate thesis.

The Korean connection is strong because of your exposure to the country early on and, your winning competitions while you were there. That means you are already familiar with the Korean way of life in terms of culture and traditions. I wish you had been able to cite a TOPIK score when you referred to your continued learning of Hangul. That would have catapulted you to a higher level of consideration that your competitors. However, the language learning explanation will work for you just the same.

Scholarship / Applying the knowledge and experience gained from study in Sweden in your organisation and country [3]

You need to present 2 strong career plan paragraphs. The first paragraph should detail what you hope to achieve after you graduate and return to your home country. The second paragraph, should explain how you plan to achieve these career goals. The idea is to present an explanation of the relevance of your line of study in relation to your work and/or career requirements. In this essay, the plan is presented in the first paragraph. The "How to achieve based on studies in Sweden" is what went missing in the second paragraph. Do not discuss what you believe and what you hope the program can provide you with. In this statement, you need to have a solid idea of how to apply what you hope to learn during your time as a student. It is a discussion regarding knowledge transfer, from you to the people in your country who work in the same line as you do.

Undergraduate / "My interest in Mechanical Engineering is linked to my childhood" -Texas A&M Transfer SOP [3]

The first thing I noticed in this essay was the length. It is too long. You need not have included the paragraph related to taking apart your toy cars. Instead, you should have focused on explaining how your mechanical engineering interests were aroused by the work you were doing as a student at LSC, under a specific major. That way, you can show a clearly mature interest and need to change courses. It often happens that interests change in college as a student gets exposed to other avenues of learning, in relation to his current major. These exposures often result in a course shift for the student, so quickly show how the course helped enlighten you to the fact that your career satisfaction lay elsewhere.

With regards to the career plan, there isn't any presented in this statement. You portrayed an intricate academic learning plan, which is not the same as the career plan requirement. You need to know where your career will be in about 2 years as a mechanical engineer. That is long enough for an undergraduate career plan as after 2 years, you may decide to pursue a masters course. For now, speak of your early career plans instead. Perhaps working for the government of El Salvador in the Public Works agency or as an inspector for a particular industry. Make a career plan, it doesn't have to be set in stone. The reviewer just needs to be convinced that this career will take you somewhere professionally rather than academically.

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013. [2]

Kindly keep the time allowance in mind when you are writing the Task 1 essay. You only have 20 minutes to present a summarized report of the given image and information. You wrote 238 words that represent an inability to keep track of time. If you were to type these many words, and have to proof read the essay, you will not be able to finish within 20 minutes. Instead, you will cut into the 40 minutes writing time of the Task 2 essay. Keep it simple. The task 1 report should not be more than 190 words. That number will help you stay within the time limit and allow you to proofread your essay as well. Other than the wordy reporting that you did, the presentation is clear and informative. It checks all of the required information and comparison points. The only problem, is that you take too long to get to the point. Say it clearly using less words. That is what the test is all about and that is why it has a shorter time allowance than the Task 2 essay. You are only repeating information, not creating a discussion.

Undergraduate / "West Point caught my attention" - Transfer Essay Help [3]

You were able to successfully explain the scenario that led to the failure in leadership on your part. However, the management of the situation is, as you suspected, unclear. You only explained how you would need to manage the situation. You did not spell out how you actually dealt with the results of the failure. So that means, you only presented half of the requirements. The part that relates to telling the reviewer about the significant challenge you faced or something that did not go according to plan. You should not focus so much on the backstory. You refer too much to the prep work, but not the aftermath. It is the aftermath and how you dealt with it that is important to this statement.

Scholarship / ICT teacher - Scholarship essay about achievements [3]

This is an Egypt specific accomplishment with a notable reference to your being a student who was chosen to and successfully participated in a learning program sponsored by the government. Your learning prowess and ability to learn in a short period of time are definitely exceptional achievements. However, the CCA part, where you spoke of the problems with the minister, those are only CCA's that apply to Egypt. It does not make your CCA an activity that would be of value to the NTU community. Not unless you can parlay that reference into something related to the student government or something since the topic is a bit political in nature.

By the way, don't use exclamation points in the presentation. It sounds like you are shouting at the reviewer. Keep it limited to basic punctuation usage, specifically, the period. You can revise those parts after you have changed the reference to the CCA in your current version. Pick some activity that you can also successfully participate in or establish as a student at NTU, with an emphasis on how it can help grow and improve the student community.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College: What do you do? Why do you do it? // Watch movies to understand psychology. [3]

The last paragraph went off base. The discussion about your interest in movies, in relation to Psychology needs to stop at the 3rd paragraph. Develop that paragraph to become the closing presentation instead. The additional information about movies aligning with your interests in the course, your being a Sikh, and other points in that paragraph do not relate to what you do and why anymore. Removing that paragraph will not affect the presentation. You should be able to create a strong closing paragraph once you revise the presentation of the current third paragraph. The first 2 presentations are clear and deliver on the required talking points. So you don't need to worry about the remaining 3 paragraphs at this point. Just edit the content as I advised earlier in this post.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: School teaching should focus on success on the workforce [2]

The opening paraphrase has a confusing opening sentence. It is structurally incorrect and refers to sensationalist descriptions (heated topic) that is more often than not, frowned upon by examiners when presented in essays. You see, these are all discussions, never debates, never hotly discussed, never a heated topic. I understand that you are trying to go for word play in this case, but do not exaggerate the replacement words. These do not help your task accuracy consideration. The opinion is asking you for an extent response to the question, do you agree or disagree? There are only two choices, there is no third choice representing, "do you agree with both sides?" As such, you have created a totally different, unrelated discussion requirement for this essay, showing that you did not understand the discussion instructions. As such, you TA score will be based upon a totally unrelated response to the given discussion question / instruction. Stick to the choices you have been provided, nothing more, nothing less.

This is not a comparative discussion. You have failed to prove that you are actually supporting one of the two given sides in the presentation. I do not believe that this presentation, being comparative in discussion when it was not required, will help you get a high score. It may not even make it to the passing mark due to the error in discussion format. Your use of a comparative discussion where one was not indicated will leave your scoring on the lower end of the consideration scale.

You are making a conclusive opinion in the concluding paragraph. Since you were not asked to come to a conclusion in the instructions, this additional error will reduce your already low score. Resulting quite possibly in a failing score overall. The concluding paragraph is not the place to present an unnecessary opinion. Rather, you should merely reflect your ability to be able to summarize your own discussion presentation as a final consideration for the overall essay.