Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Many things can influence the development of students [3]

There are 2 errors in your presentation. The first, is that you changed the topic for discussion from "many things" to "many people". People are not the same as things. In this regard, you will appear to not have properly understood the original discussion topic due to the change from "things" to "people". You also did not give a proper response to the given question which asks you to pick one reason to defend in the essay. You cannot say both have a profound impact because the choices you are given for the reasoning discussion are specific. Either you:

- Agree that peers have more of an impact than teachers
- Disagree that peers have more impact than teachers

When you are given an "or" choice, that means there is an alternative decision that you can make. That does not mean you should defend both sides. That means you can only use one side, the other being an alternative response to the question. Since there are only 2 reasoning paragraphs, you need to give 2 individual, convincing reasons for the examiner to read. Convince him that your opinion is correct, based on the degree of your disagreement with the given statement.

This is not a comparison essay. I guess you are not familiar with the types of Task 2 essays yet. The A/D and comparison discussions are written using both sides of the discussion. All agree or disagree essays rely on a single opinion presentation in the reasoning paragraphs.

Never use words of uncertainty in these presentations. You must always have a strong statement in the presentation in support of a clear opinion. When you say you "suppose" that means you are not sure if the discussion presentation you presented is correct.

Research Papers / Fight Against Added Sugar [2]

Don't be afraid to mention the name of the movie at the start of the essay. That would help you make an effective hook as there is a large reading section for your essay that has seen the movie you are referring to. It would also help the reader create a better picture of the problem you are indicating in the paper. Having a mental picture always helps to increase the information you are disseminating within the paper. However, I do not believe you should focus on just the movie as a presentation. The movie is too old as of now and not really very relevant to the current situation. I believe you should instead be mentioning the effects of the Covif - 19 lockdown on the sugar intake of people who are stuck at home, unable to go to work, or do any sort of outdoor exercise. If you keep your information current, then the reader will be able to connect better with the information provided and, you will create a sense of definite concern for the reader's health.

You need to be able to connect your information from one paragraph to the next. For example, how does the Metabolic Syndrome exacerbate a fatty liver? What is the connection? It will be a shame to not have a clear connection between the two that a reader can use as additional health information. It will show that you have given a great deal of research and analysis to the information you came across for consolidated presentation in the research paper.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MSc on Thermal Power and Fluid Engineering. [4]

The SOP can use more work. The most useful paragraph in this version, which should be the main focus of the new version, is paragraph 3. This is the part of the essay that contains the 2 important information that should be shared in the SOP:

- The purpose of your masters course
- How you plan to apply the knowledge

The purpose of your SOP is:
- I would like to work in the research ...or turbulance mechanics

While the relevance of the proposed study is:
- development of a new process, with ...nuclear power plants.

The information presented in these 2 paragraphs should be supported by your proposed masters thesis which should be based upon your desire to:
- be one among those who design, develop, research and improve energy efficient and systems solutions for a better life

After elaborating on these parts, you should be able to properly explain how the university choice and masters course can help you create a master plan, based on your master thesis, for a project that you can implement upon your return to your home country.

Writing Feedback / Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government [2]

I have to say, your reasoning paragraphs are well connected and clear to the reader. You have managed to properly portray your written response to the discussion instruction. While there are some English word and phrase usage that are incorrect or out of place in this presentation, these errors have not made the essay confusing to read. The reader will still be able to easily understand or figure out what it is you are trying to convey in the sentence / paragraph. No worries there.

My main worry though, is in your lexical resource consideration. You have a tendency to mix up word usage such as these two:

Most - in the greatest quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number:
Almost - very nearly

As you can see, both words have the word "most" in it, but convey different meanings. Therefore, you are not using the word in the proper manner, which can lower your LR score as this is based on your vocabulary skills or understanding of the meaning of English words. Other word errors include:

- make out money - make money
- clear their way - pay their way

The final error in this presentation is the way that you structured the concluding presentation. The first sentence is confusing to read:

... budget away but ( replace with a comma to show a continuing and connected thought sentence) , it definitely is worthy...

Graduate / SOP for MSc Program at TU Delft [2]

The second paragraph is irrelevant to the discussion. You should remove that paragraph and replace it instead, with a paragraph that discusses why you chose to study at TU Delft instead. You have to clearly explain the connection between your academic motivation and professional development with the choice of university and masters course. Use the paragraph to explain how the course curriculum of the university will build your already existing skills. By explaining your existing theoretical and technical skills in the essay, you will be able to justify your interest in the program and highlight what you hope to learn and improve with regards to your theoretical and practical skills.

There should also be a paragraph that better explains your goal based on the design production processes. What do you hope to accomplish through the completion of these studies? What is the idea behind your interests? What professional change do you wish to bring to this sector in your country? Why do you feel that is important to accomplish? These are but a few of the questions that should explain the purpose of your studies to the reviewer.

Now, make sure to explain to the reviewer what sort of masters thesis you may want to complete as a student. Make sure that it aligns itself with your purpose as you described earlier. Find a way to make this part sound exciting and innovative. Be sure to include a reference to the university offerings and how you see the university helping you to complete or accomplish your thesis goal.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Shortage of food and genetically modified foods [4]

This essay will not get a passing score. I base that conclusion on the way that you changed the discussion points for the essay from the original. The presentation you have does not respond at all to the prompt requirements. Your discussion instructions changed in the paraphrase when compared to the original

Original Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: While I agree that changing the gene of food can increase the quantity of it. I also believe that it has some drawbacks as it can affect the nutrient and reduce food's effectiveness.

As you can see you changed the discussion response instruction from an extent essay ( I strongly support this statement based on the reasoning that...) to an Advantage./Disadvantage comparison discussion ( While I agree... I also believe that is has some drawbacks...). Therefore, the reviewer will immediately decide that your TA score must be on the failing side, which will make it difficult for you to get a passing score when you consider the other errors in the essay based on the scoring rubic.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Masters in E PiCo under EM Scholarship [5]

The main academic motivating factors for your essay are:
- A process of continuous evolution in science and technology as well as climate change.
- My main motive for ...develop innovative technologies to make electric vehicles more efficient and affordable for all.

The professional motivation is:
- massive adoption of sustainable technology in countries like India will lead to a positive effect on climate change globally.

Based on the these 3 discussion points, develop a better motivation explanation that will focus on the development of the idea behind your advanced studies interest and personal / career interests. There need to be goals attached to the actual motivation, not a review of your undergraduate course fulfillment. Rather, you should b discussing why you chose to apply to EM instead. Aside from an interest in languages, which is a normal given for the applicants, what other aspects of the scholarship do you feel will help you accomplish your motivating factors? There is no need to discuss the fact that you need financial aid because the scholarship automatically comes with it. What you have to justify are your academic and professional motivating factors along with a clear interest in promoting the objectives of the EM scholarship program.

The choice of university should indicate several choices, all based on different curriculum factors. How these master courses differ in terms of helping your career will be an excellent motivation discussion.

Letters / LETTER OF INTENT FOR MSc. Computational Social Science [2]

The motivational letter needs to be better focused on your academic and professional needs. You can start by indicating your current professional experience and how best your undergraduate studies apply to your current duties and responsibilities. Now, indicate the shortcomings that you feel you have due to the speed at which Computational Social Science progresses. This will become your academic motivation for your masters course. Be detailed in how you explain the connection of your interest in the course with your academic shortcomings.

Next. explain why you believe that it is important for you to increase your academic knowledge in this field. This should be based on your current professional needs. While you touch on some of these two topics in your essay, the problem is that you are too generalized in your discussion rather than specific. You need to outline everything in as much detail as possible. Remember that this is a written interview. So treat this as you would an oral version. Information regarding the motivation, in clear and understandable written presentation will be key to your admission. Remember, your point of view is one thing, how you will actually apply it to your workplace is another. Just a summary of the possible application within your current duties will suffice.

The final motivation paragraph should relate to your choice of country and university, which was not touched upon in this presentation to a helpful level. It was merely mentioned at the start and not further developed. Try to better explain these choices towards the end. Those are actually the final considerations that the reviewer would want to know about as he reads the motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / [The chart shows the division of household tasks by gender in Great Britain - Task 1 Writing Ielts] [3]

The summary overview should be better presented. You missed out on presenting the type of measurement used for the survey. Your paragraph presentations are not balanced. You are presenting between 2-3 sentences per paragraph when the requirement is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You are not offering a thorough analysis or comparison of the given information. I base this information on the varying presentation length in your paper. The more the sentences, the better and more comprehensive the analysis. Based on the presentation, you definitely reported on the main features but did not really give much thought or attention to making comparisons where relevant. The paragraph presentations were mostly too short and direct, lacking in the analytical presentation that would have allowed you to write at least 175 words, thus making the report better developed and presented to the reader.

Scholarship / Leading International Vaccinology Education (LIVE) Personal Statement Scholarship Essay [2]

You presented your background too much in this essay. The focus needs to be only on the topic provided by the discussion instruction. The total essay should be composed of no more than 3-5 paragraphs that will explain how LIVE can support your professional development. You will need to revise the essay to better meet these requirements.

Based on the current version of the essay, you need to change both the content and format. Use an actual essay, rather than an outline presentation for the discussion. This needs to be academic and conversational in tone and presentation. It does not need to be written like a resume. You can focus your revised essay on your Veterinary Vaccine Development presentation. That seems to be the most applicable to the discussion at this point. You can revise the presentation as I suggest below:

Par. 1: Your current work experience in veterinary medicine
Par. 2: Explain about a plague among the livestock that you had to deal with only to realize there wasn't enough vaccine or no vaccine available

Par. 3: Why this motivated you to undertake LIVE studies
Par. 4: What you hope to learn and develop in terms of theoretical and practical learning
Par. 5: How these learning and skills will be applied to your profession upon your return.

Based on these paragraph focus / subjects, you will be able to better respond and provide information to the reviewer regarding your interest in the program.

Undergraduate / "You're such a mom" - Yours and others opinion about yourself [2]

It is an incorrect response to the prompt. Tell us about who you are always asks you to present yourself from the point of view of several people, within a limited word count. These people are:

- Your parents
- Your friends
- Your teachers
- Your community members

You need to pic 3 out of the 4 to discuss in the essay. Based upon the points of view from these people, you should be able to come up with a second paragraph that will explain what you are most proud of about yourself and why. Maybe you can use the the "big care bear" reference. Or anything else that would provide a collective character reference for yourself based upon the comments of other people about who you are or what you are as a person in their lives.

The multiple character view is meant to help the reviewer understand the kind of person you are in various settings. This will also help him assess you qualities as a person who could potentially be a member of their incoming student community. Would you be an asset to the community? Why? What can you add to the community that might be useful to others (most proud of)?

Writing Feedback / People often do not interact with neighbors and this is harming communities. Causes and solutions? [3]

Your prompt restatement has to be a reflection of the original presentation. Your statement did not actually do that. You failed to actually represent the topic as it was provided to you at the start. Compare the two:

OT: People often do not interact with their neighbours and this is harming communities.
YT: It is true that these days human beings lack a sense of community within neighborhoods, and this fuels a toxic society with isolation and indifferent attitude.

The correct restatement is:

There is a perception these days that humans fail to connect with their neighbors. This is often caused by (reason 1) and (reason 2). There is a possibility that such lack of mingling can be resolved by (solution 1) and (solution 2).

Kindly remember that these essays shall never ask you confirm the truth of a given statement. Therefore, you must not attest to the truth of a topic. You will be changing the discussion topic when you do that and, you will be scored down because of it. You must also indicate your direct response to each question provided as these will help prove that you understood the questions and how you are expected to answer them. The correct response to the discussion instructions can possibly increase your TA score.

You are not being asked to present a conclusion regarding the causes, so you do not need to say that independence and loneliness are the result of the lack of interaction. Once again, you are offering information not required, changing the discussion points and thus, losing more percentage points in your final score. Just stick to the given discussion. Do not add any discussion topics just because you think you will improve the essay, that is when you will lose more points. Never assume anything not presented in the original discussion.

The conclusion is just one long run on sentence. Split it up into at least 3 summary sentences to meet the concluding summary requirements.

Research Papers / Are felons worth less to society [3]

Okay, the first sentence is way too long. It is actually rambling on and not really making much sense to the reader due to the length of the sentence. You need to whittle that down. Use more sentences if you have to but don't keep trying to insert sense into a run-on sentence. You will lose the reader as soon as he finishes, or doesn't finish reading the first sentence. Keep it simple. Don't try to over complicate the thesis presentation because, it doesn't have to be.

There are 3 sub topics included in this presentation, aside from the main considerations as presented by your guide questions. You need to divide the essay into sub-topics, clearly titled, so that the reader will know exactly what you are discussing and why. Always relate the sub-topics to the main discussion points. Your essay actually strays from the sub topic discussions in your presentation. So that tells me that you did not outline the research paper before your wrote it. You are writing without a plan, which is why the essay tends to wander in its discussion points.

Speaking of discussion points, you need to give a reference citation in text for every piece of researched information you present. You do not have enough in0text citations, properly referenced at this point. That will create a plagiarism problem for you should the professor or teacher run your paper through a plagiarism tool.

Letters / The livestock sector - MOTIVATION LETTER FOR ERASMUS MUNDUS SCHOLARSHIP [3]

The first 3 paragraphs belong more to a personal statement rather than a motivation letter. It would be to your benefit if you remove those 3 paragraphs instead and revise the rest of the essay to be more EM motivation letter responsive. The motivation letter should clearly outline your professional need for the line or study you are interested in pursuing.

The letter itself is lacking a reference as to how you believe that EM can help you become a better professional. What is it about the opportunities the program offers that you feel directly apply to the improvement of your theoretical and practical skills in this field? How do you see yourself applying the knowledge to your profession in the future? You need to have solid reasons for preferring EM over any other scholarships, you have to make that clear in this essay , without referring to other scholarship grants.

I do not see the academic need for your motivation. There is no personal reason indicated either in your presentation. You can only deem yourself a good candidate based on the justifications of your motivations. You cannot explain your candidacy without proper reasoning. However, it is not your candidacy in question here. The letter should be focused on the motivational aspects alone.

The choice of universities should be discussed in terms that apply to the reason you chose EM, your professional requirements, and the focus of your studies. YOur current discussions are incomplete and not really informative in terms of motivating factors for your choice.

Writing Feedback / Accepting bad circumstances, or trying to deal with them and develop for the better? [2]

You have not used the proper discussion format for the presentation. The clue as to how the essay should be discussed can easily be found in the original prompt presentation. Towards the end, the prompt will include either a direct question ( or 2) or a method by which you should discuss the essay. In this prompt, the discussion method was presented as :

Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.

So the presentation for the reasoning paragraphs should have been:

Par. 2: ...accepting a bad circumstance is best + Explanation of this public point of view + Personal opinion
Par. 3: ... better to try and improve such situations + public point of view reason + Personal opinion
Par. 4: Summary of the discussion points

You did not accomplish the discussion presentation as you were instructed to. I guess you are not quite familiar with the different types of discussion methods yet. You will do well to review the different discussion methods as presented in this forum. You may also find yourself learning how to write better based on the correction of other people's errors. Do look into these other sample essays for your benefit.

Remember, the original prompt will always instruct you regarding the reasoning discussion. In this presentation, your error was that you presented a personal point of view alone instead of a comparative discussion based on the public opinion in comparison to your personal opinion. There are no right or wrong answers for this topic, only a comparison presentation. An additional error was the incorrect prompt restatement. You should have used sentences in this essay. One for the topic, another for the reason, and a third one for the discussion instruction statement or personal opinion/s.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: FOR TODAY'S WORLD, WHICH TYPE OF EDUCATION IS APPROPRIATE, GENERAL OR SPECIALIZED? [3]

You are approaching this as a task 1 essay. The task 2 essay is not an analytical report. It is an opinion discussion paper. Therefore, you should not be using phrases such as, "It is reported that" and "To begin with". You should use words that represent the discussion, opinions, or other similar words that defer to consultative discussions in your presentation.

Speaking of similar words, you need to brush up on your synonym usage. When the original statement already says "wide range of subjects", you need to use an alternative form of that phrase in your own presentation for LR and GRA scoring benefits. You could have said "a vast array of topics" or a phrase that helps indicate the same reference in a different manner. It appears that your English vocabulary is highly limited at this point and you have a tendency to use cut and paste phrases from the original. Such errors will drag down your TA, LR, and GRa score.

You are using more reasons than explanations in your presentation. One reason will be good enough, as long as you clearly explain it. As it appears now, your discussions lack additional explanation development. All because you present 2 reasons one after another in the same paragraph, but do not really explain the reasons and how then connect to one another very well.

You should also avoid presenting single sentence presentations as these go against the 3 sentence minimum per paragraph and will result in GRA deductions for you yet again.

You are over using the phrase "for example" in this presentation. As always, it goes back to your vocabulary skills. You are limited in your synonym knowledge and that is proving to be a big problem for you in this presentation. You do not need 319 words when your presentation has severe scoring problems. USing 275-290 words will be enough. It is not the length that will get you the passing score, it is the ability to develop properly explained and reasoned paragraphs that will do that.

Research Papers / Theme: Health and Fitness [2]

Are you sure you are writing a research paper? I believe you misunderstood the question and thought you had to do research for it. This is commonly referred to as an IELTS Task 2 essay prompt. That does not require you to use heavily researched information as you presented in this essay. It also does not require any type of research information reference because the paper is to be based on your personal opinion or pubic knowledge of the given topic.

That said, the correct format for writing this paper is as follows:
- A complete essay within 250-290 words
- 4 paragraphs long

The paragraphs are composed of :
Par. 1: Prompt restatement + personal opinion
Par. 2: Discussion of 1st public reason + personal opinion of this reason (support / not support
Par. 3: Discussion of 2nd public point of view + personal opinion of the reason (support / not support)
Par. 4: Summary of the discussion presentation

While you did a good job of presenting a research paper, the actual writing requirements, based on the test you will be taking is incorrect. As such, you will not be able to write such a type of paper during the actual test. You will not have time and cannot do research during the actual test because there isn't going to be any internet connection at the testing center.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] Descriptive essay/report about wave-energy machine [3]

How many diagrams? What are the differences between the diagrams? Where are these machines installed? What is the general trend for the function of the machine? Avoiding an immediate representation of the general trend, then the proper usage of the machines, based on its source of power should have been stated in the summary overview.

Identify the image that you are discussing in every paragraph. Since this is a 3 paragraph essay, the next 2 paragraphs should be represented by topic sentences that identify the wave energy machine and its possible location. That indicator helps to create a better idea as to the method of energy generation within the paragraph. You have to make sure that you have a separate paragraph for the 2 possible locations. There needs to be a difference in the explanation presented based on the location and type of wave. Therefore, the essay requires a 4 paragraph presentation for:

Par. 1: Summary + Trending statement
Par. 2: Function of the machine
Par. 3: Machine moving in high wave position
Par. 4: Machine moving in low wave position.

While both are energy machines, there is a difference in the way the waves produce energy and how much it will cost. So you will need to consider both in relation to the way the machine functions. Try to use more analysis in the presentation. That is a requirement for the task 1 essay. Study the diagram for at least 5 minutes, while drafting your essay. Make sure there is a thorough analysis of the presentation for accuracy and differentiation purposes.

Writing Feedback / The graph below presents the number of people who graduated from university rate [3]

There is insufficient writing in this data report for it to be considered a full 3 paragraph presentation. While writing 153 words met the minimum word requirement, a full 175-190 words would have helped you better meet the paragraph requirement. In this case, you have an incomplete overview, a stand alone trending statement, and a full paragraph. These are not acceptable as a properly formatted essay based on task 1 requirements.

The summary overview should have contained the reference number count for the students (in the hundreds of thousands), the two genders ( male and female) as the information from the graph about that is specific and required in this age of multiple genders. The next 2 paragraphs should have comprised a data analysis of the male graduates. Then a third paragraph reviewing the female graduates. So the format should have been:

Par. 1: Summary overview
Par. 2: Male analysis
Par. 3: Female analysis

There are LR issues as you are not properly using the past tense of certain words (rised = rose) and misspelled words (unvesrity = university) You should be more conscious of your grammar usage and LR presentation. These appear to the most problematic of all your writing skills at the moment.

Writing Feedback / The youth show their propensity for fashion items and technological devices nowadays [2]

Unfortunately, scoring of the essay is only done with URGENT or Private essay reviews. Any student who scores your essay will get his account immediately suspended. Sorry about that. For scoring services, you can contact us privately or make this thread URGENT for an additional review from me.

Without the original prompt presentation, I am finding it a bit difficult to analyze the appropriateness of your response. There is a disconnection, as far as I can tell, between fashion and technology. I am also unclear about why you chose to disagree with this statement because you are missing a restatement of the original reason provided alongside the original prompt. Your prompt restatement feels highly incomplete and little informed.

There is no first hand, other hand in this case. It is just "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". However, because you gave a direct disagreement response to the essay question, which is unknown to me (really, please provide the original prompt next time), it appears that you have mistakenly used the wrong discussion format in this essay. Since you are not instructed to provide an A/D discussion, this essay should be a single opinion explanation presentation.

The current presentation shows that although you presented an opinion at the start, you are really uncertain about your presentation because of the comparative discussion. This creates a confusion for the reader who, all along, thought you disagree with the statement. The proper discussion approach would have been to justify your opinion based on a 2 reasoning paragraph, using 2 different reasons to justify your opinion.

The essay cannot be considered properly discussed due to the error in your discussion presentation. Your TA score will be judged based on the lack of clarity in your opinion, within the discussion paragraphs (low marks due to uncertainty), and the lack of proper concluding information in the concluding summary.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 IELTS - Car ownership in the UK from 1975 to 2005 [3]

Scoring is part of our premium services. You cannot be given a score by a contributor based on the free essay guidelines. Any student who dares to score your essay will be suspended from further participation in this forum. Non-Urgent threads have only limited review capacity. Private review essays receive de luxe reviews from a contributor.

Your paragraph presentations are difficult to follow. The main reason for the confusion in your presentation is the way that you try to present 2 different sets of information in one sentence. For clarity sake, you must always use only one topic, one measurement reference, per sentence. That is, unless you are doing an equality comparison presentation. I believe you tried to present comparative discussion points in this essay but failed to do it in in a manner that would be clear to the reader.

You have a limited GRA scope in this essay. You are only alternating between the use periods and commas. You should be highlighting more of your simple and complex sentence writing abilities. You are confusing these run-on sentences with complex sentences. It is when you make this error that the confusion begins in your writing and information presentation.

Writing Feedback / Festival, describe Tet holiday [4]

When you write about an important festival, or any festival for that matter, you have to make sure to give the reader a background regarding it. A festival normally has a religious or social importance embedded in the history, society, and culture of a people. This paper was assigned to you to help you learn how to frame important discussion topics in a manner that will be of interest to the reader. Without the history and explanation of the relevance of each activity in the presentation, you have not really written an informative paper. The reader will come away from this writing with more questions than learning about the Tet festival. I am not sure if you wrote this with a maximum word count so I cannot comment on your presentation in terms of that. However, I have to say that you must learn to write 2 ideas in one sentence, without creating a run on. You have to connect the meaning of the festival with the activities indicated. Each activity, each piece of food, the preparation, these are all key in explaining the importance of the Tet festival. So the essay isn't really as informative, creative, or effective as it could have been.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: university subjects should be useful, and other should be banned [2]

You did a very good job in restating the original prompt, the two points of view, and your personal opinion. However, you did not discuss the essay based on the discussion instructions which was to compare the two public points of view and give your opinion. For the give your opinion part, there were 2 approaches that you could have used:

1. Offer an explanation of the 2 points of view based on the reasons provided (expanded form) + Personal opinion of each point of view (One paragraph per point of view)

2. Explain each point of view in public or general terms + personal opinion as a stand alone (single paragraph) explanation

Either way would be acceptable to the examiner. You will score well regardless of which format you choose to use. In this presentation, you failed to use the third person explanation for each point of view. That is why the presentation is only partially format compliant. When you fail to address the two public points of view individually (per paragraph), then you fail to use the indicated discussion format. The answer becomes incomplete. This is the reason why your conclusion is also incorrect. There is no reverse paraphrase presentation that would have reiterated your point of view in the end.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay on self reference in third person. (300 words) [5]

Try to reference your impact on your school and community. You are too focused on your accomplishments. There is a lack of balance in your presentation regarding what the reviewer needs to know about. You will not be accepted based on your academic accomplishments alone. You have to show the reviewer that you have a well balanced personality based on your personality and character traits alongside your academic accomplishments. This is not very effective as it deals with only one part of the overall reference requirements. There is no reference to the weakness, among other things. Review the requirements and revise the total essay. Make sure to balance the presentation based on topic requirements, not just what you want to highlight about yourself. That inaccurate focus is what will make the essay irrelevant to the examiner.

I will be unable to continue reviewing this essay for you unless you make this thread URGENT or hire our private services. I have only given an overview of the total problems that your essay actually contains.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Common App Essay - "Mirror-crafter" [3]

This is not really related to an event, accomplishment, or realization. Although it sparked a period of growth on your part, I believe that this is better suited as a personal statement under a topic of your choice. You see, an accomplishment or event, needs to be portrayed as something that isn't a hobby, but highlights something that you were eventually recognized for by others. The realization should be directed towards an understanding of others based on an interaction with them. What you have shown here, are a series of activities that led to you thinking about your past, how it helped shaped your present, and how you see your future. It doesn't really fall under the described topics. However, it is too interesting for you to not use in your application. That is why I am suggesting that you use it as an open topic presentation instead. That way you can use this actual essay, or revise it to become even better. It is a good draft. It just need to be used and developed in the proper context. This has the potential to become one impressive written interview. Develop your own prompt for the open topic and use it as the title for the essay. The title has to clue in the reviewer about something you hope to present in the essay. So, while every artist is a mirror crafter, that doesn't tell me anything I need to know about you.

Writing Feedback / Topic C- If you were given a ticket to go absolutely anywhere where would you go? [2]

The ticket is only good for travel to one place. So you cannot use the golden ticket to travel to several places in time. You already indicated a specific date and time in the past that you want to return to and why. The essay should therefore, focus on the events and situations that occurred or you wish to change based on that date, time, and place. Do you want to change things? Do you want to keep things the same? Is there something you want to prevent? Regardless of the reasons you chose this time, the main explanation should focus on the "Why?" of the choice. In this case, I see the story you want to tell, but it doesn't follow the requirements of the prompt. The instruction is only for a single point in time. Revise the essay to meet the time travel requirements. Bearing in mind the simple time travel command "You can participate but you should not try to influence or change the outcome of the event." The end of the essay should therefore, explain the lesson learned from the events of that time, had you participated in it as an adult instead of as a child.

Graduate / The intro for my SOP for masters in AI [3]

You have misunderstood the prompt for the SOP. A purpose is not the same as an explanation of the course you are interested in. Which is what you did in your introduction. You have explained what AI is all about and how it applies in real world usage. This is not the same as your purpose. Your purpose should not be based upon the work of others. Rather, the purpose should be based on your own interests and passion. You have to present an opening statement based on a personal aspect such as a work situation where you discovered that AI has more potential than is currently known, an idea that will further the use of AI in a manner not yet known, or a reason to believe that there is an aspect of AI that you are not very well versed in at the moment. Your presentation will be weak and unimpressive when you rely on researched material for your introduction. It lacks an interesting statement that might make the reviewer gain an interest in your potential as a masters degree student. There is no passion in your presentation, only information from other sources. It makes the presentation uninteresting. Always assume that the reviewer is familiar with the topic and that any information you present, coming from other sources, or talking down to him by explaining the meaning and uses of AI will only irritate him because it does not provide an immediate take on your purpose. All of these reasons will be enough for him to not consider your application seriously at that point.

Writing Feedback / "Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? [4]

Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect. You have changed the discussion topic and therefore, created a wrong topic statement for the essay. Please note:

OT: Happiness is considered very important in life.
YT: It is true that the number of people would like to be happy in their life

As you can see, you have turned in a totally different discussion topic from the original. Therefore, you will be given a score based on a presentation totally unrelated to the original prompt. There will be a partial deduction in this aspect because your restatement of the questions were correct although incomplete as you do not indicate a direct response to each question presented.

In the second paragraph, limit your example to just one. You do not need several examples because you should be focused on defining happiness or the difficulty of defining it based on one example or 2 connected examples. For example, you could have indicated and better explained how having meals can bring happiness to a person, but isn't the same as the happiness of having a safe place to call home. You should be able to contrast 2 related, but different reasons in the presentation. In this presentation, there are only examples, but not explanation with regards to the cohesiveness of the examples provided. Showing the different types of happiness is not the same as explaining how these types of happiness are different. It is the difference in the meaning of these happiness that makes the word difficult to define.

In the third paragraph, you are using a comma immediately before the ellipses, almost all of the exam takers these days make this common mistake. You cannot use 2 punctuation marks simultaneously. You can only use one then use words then use another punctuation mark. The punctuation marks are used to separate statements, therefore, you cannot use 2 one after the other because there is no statement to separate.

Writing Feedback / Government funding for the art is a waste and that money could be better funded in other fields [3]

The essay is below the minimum word count. So the format itself is incorrect. You have not satisfied the formatting requirements from the very start of the presentation. Your first paragraph is a run on sentence. The requirement is a 3-5 sentence per paragraph, no run-on or long sentences. That should be divided into 2 sentences with an additional 2 sentences that individually state your discussion subjects. The succeeding reasoning paragraphs should expand on your discussion subjects in individual paragraphs.

You cannot make hyperbolic claims such as "It is undeniable" because there are people with an opposing point of view who will deny such claims. Keep the essay simple, without exaggerations or questionable statements. You failed to properly develop the reasoning behind the example that you gave in the second paragraph. You stated and example then moved on to the next topic you wished to discuss in the same paragraph. This created an under developed paragraph, lacking in supporting statements for each topic / example provided.

The conclusion is less than 40 words and contains the same error as the opening statement. This means that the same word count percentage deductions will be applied several times in this presentation. Always write at least 3 sentences per paragraph to ensure that you will meet the overall minimum word requirement.

Undergraduate / A problem and/or an unfamiliar situation essay - delegating tasks to solve long line issue [2]

This is a highly effective response essay. As far as I am concerned, your essay portrays you as a potentially responsible college student. Why? Your response shows an ability to analyze a situation, work with a team, enforce the agreed upon actions, and adjust your movements are necessary. You turned a potentially explosive situation into a manageable one by harnessing the power of communication and team work. Collaboration would also be a good word for it. Overall, you delivered the prompt requirement and you did not use a common topic for the presentation. The sense of maturity and responsibility is strong in the presentation. You don't have to worry about having to make any changes to this response. It is usable as is.

Undergraduate / Tell us your biggest fear (this is the prompt). To being bullied [3]

Again, the fear needs to be something you hope to prevent. I don't think you understand that requirement of the prompt. It is not about your fears for your future. Not something you have overcome. You know how I asked you to change the essay in the previous thread. You did not listen. You still did what you wanted, even though it does not apply to the prompt. I do not see how you can expect me to help you when you have made the same mistakes yet again. It is about preventing a fear from happening in the future. Not about how you overcame a past fear. You are applying to college. An unknown time in your life. What are your fears about that chapter? A discussion of a topic from that "Fear" would be more relevant than this very long essay that you have written about your past fear.

Letters / STIPENDIUM HUNGARICUM MOTIVATION LETTER 2021/2022 [2]

Let me stop you right there, at the beginning of your presentation. Never, ever, ever, compare one scholarship application to another. Not in specific, not in general terms. You do not want the reviewer to think that you are a professional scholarship applicant. Each scholarship program considers itself important and a cut above the rest. You are making the scholarship sound less than that. This portion alone, will make the reviewer reject your application. I am not even going to go forward with reading your paper because, I am reading it from the point of view of an official scholarship reviewer. You just lost your scholarship chance.

Even worse, you speak of staycations in the essay, which makes you sound like a tourist looking for someone to sponsor a long terms stay in the country in the guise of a student. You are really working hard to lose this scholarship application at this point. There are already 2 existing points with which to reject your application. By that point, if the reviewer even gets that far, he won't have any interest in learning about you. He knows enough to help him decide to reject your application.

Undergraduate / UBC personal profile question on how you dealt with unfamiliar and difficult situation [5]

The topic you have chosen to narrate in this essay is ordinary. Almost all of the immigrant students will have the same story to tell the reviewer. So he will not really be impressed with this presentation. The problems you faced are not extra ordinary. It is commonplace for most immigrant applicants. You should think of something that might be more interesting to the reviewer. Something that other students may not have experienced or have had to deal with. The story you told is memorable to you for sure, but not impressive enough to catch the attention of the reviewer nor tell the reviewer that there was something special about the way that you dealt with the problem. Try to think of something less related to your immigration issues. Something that maybe happened to you in Russia. It doesn't have to be an event that happened to you in Canada. It could have happened anywhere and dealt with any situation. Maybe having the event relate to your time in Russia would be of more interest to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Some teacher prefer to record the lecture in advance [2]

Your prompt restatement is inaccurate. It is not necessary for you to add information to the presentation as the examiner only wants to see if you are capable of relating the original topic in your own words. So, while you did respond to the given question, the topic for discussion that you presented it way overboard in terms of representing the original prompt. You have to be concise, not long winded. Get to the point at once, you only have 40 minutes to complete this task. The simpler presentation that would have scored better?

Some educators tend to pre-document their class lessons. The idea behind this is to help the students get a better idea of the topic before actual class lectures. The hope is that the students will learn more in the actual class this way. I do not believe this is an effective class lecture method.

See? All it took were 3 sentences that parallel the original presentation:

OT: Some teachers prefer to record the lecture in advance MT: Some educators tend to pre-document their class lessons.
OR: students can familiarize themselves with it first, MR: he idea behind this is to help the students get a better idea of the topic before actual class lectures.

CO: practice what they have learned from the lecture in the class. MO: The hope is that the students will learn more in the actual class this way.

Q: Do you consider this is a good way to teach? R: I do not believe this is an effective class lecture method.

The first 2 reasoning paragraphs were sufficient for the actual discussion. The third one that refers to Google created an alternate discussion that was not part of the original prompt. So that will not be added to your final score. Rather, it will be deducted from the overall score based on word count. So your word count goes down from 297 to 232, making you come under the word minimum count. As such, there will appropriate deductions for the missing word count.

It is because of the word deductions that I always ask the students to pay attention to why they are discussing. Always stick to the original prompt. The minute you add a discussion topic in the paraphrasing portion, you will immediately run a tendency to fall under the word count, which can result in your failing the test based on a technicality. As it is, this essay already has spelling, grammar, and LR errors that will result in points deductions. So adding the incorrect paraphrase plus the deducted word count to the mix makes the failing score almost a certainty.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, many children play game online. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages.Give your opinion [3]

I believe that the original prompt for this essay asks you which point of view you agree with. This is not an A/D with opinion essay. It is a mere opinion essay. So at the end of the paraphrase, there must have been a reference to the point of view that you agree with. There were only 2 choices given in the original prompt:

- Some believe this is a beneficial trend
- others think it is detrimental.

The discussion instruction is: Which viewpoint do you agree with?

So, based on the presentation that you made, it appears that you not only changed the discussion requirements (from single point of view to comparison discussion) but that you also left your actual response (not a negative trend) for the concluding paragraph. Therefore, the essay presentation is not aligned with the expected discussion requirements and presentation. As such, the essay will be deemed to not be presenting the proper discussion format, leading to a very low final score, as your other scoring errors will also be considered in the final outcome.

Had the prompt actually asked you to discuss the advantages and disadvantages, you will never be asked to give an opinion. The A/D discussion does not require you to present an opinion. These essays are only 4 paragraph presentations. I believe that you made up the prompt, based on the presentations found online and in the books. You should not create your own prompt for responding to. That will cause you to learn how to respond to the essays improperly as you do not really know how to create a proper prompt for your own writing.

The presentation itself does not present a balanced discussion. It is important that you do not over discuss the presentation. You begin to lack clarity and cohesiveness the minute you present a second reason in the same paragraph. Unless you use a transition sentence to connect the two topics, and you can justify the second reason as being related to the first, your second reason ends up creating an under developed paragraph instead. Fully develop one idea instead so you can get a full score for a fully developed topic presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing - people should pay tribute to the artificial intelligence - pros and cons of AI [4]

Where is the personal opinion? Did you mean that the overall discussion was based solely on your personal opinion? If so, then your essay has already failed the test. You were required to offer a personal opinion of each point of view. That means you have to present a balanced presentation composed of the popular opinion explanation, then your personal point of view. The way you presented the essay, the only reference point is the general discussion. So, the essay is not presented in the appropriate discussion slant. You will only get a partial score for this essay due to the missing section in relation to the personal opinion.

Research Papers / Research paper about Geoengineering! Blessing or Curse? [2]

The entry presentation of your paper is sensationalist in presentation. Since this is an academic paper, sensationalist claims, such as the first 2 sentences in your presentation remove the academic tone of your paper. It is best to use a calm and analytical tone at all times. That will add to the seriousness of your discussion and the perception that your paper is analytical rather than sensational in discussion approach.

Being an academic paper, you cannot use the word "I" or any first person pronoun in the presentation. Always use a general or third person reference to keep the academic nature intact. Try to use less sensationalist examples throughout the essay. There is no sense in trying to scare your readers. You are here to educate and inform, not cause mass panic. While the sensational discussion creates an interesting presentation, it does not allow you to be academic, informative, and calm in your approach, which is the point of these types of papers.

A history of Geoengineering is required for this presentation. You cannot just say it started in the 60's. You have to present a summarized history of the scientific field. Include any accomplishments in this field that we, as a society have already benefited from. That way you can easily show the hope and importance of this scientific field, without having to create a sensation around it.

The purpose of your research and why you consider it important, the thesis statement should not be located so late in the essay. It should be a part of the first paragraph. The way you have written your essay, the importance of the topic and related research comes only after a series of sensationalist presentations. You have to bring the thesis statement and research procedure up. Make it the forefront of the discussion. Otherwise, your paper seems to be covering 2 different topics, when there is only one main topic involved.

Letters / Motivation Letter for LLM in European Economic Laws [3]

The first paragraph is a throw away. You do not need to establish that you are writing a motivation letter, at what university, or your belief in education. You should remove that whole paragraph. It does not provide a strong motivational foundation for your letter.

The second paragraph works. It is a bit long in presentation and could use some shortening. Try to summarize what you are trying to say. It will help to keep the attention of the reviewer focused on your motivation in relation to your previous studies and professional intentions.

As for the third paragraph, you should remove the first sentence. Again, you do not need to keep using unnecessary introductions. Focus only on the motivational presentation. Your true problem is that you are over presenting yourself in every paragraph. Try to keep it short, just concentrate on the academic motivation in one paragraph, the professional motivation in the next, then the personal motivation before you discuss how the university choice brings together all of these motivations for you in one place, where you can grow as a student, a professional, and create an international network that can help you better develop as a person and professional.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working from home. [2]

Do not add instructions to the writing of the essay. The prompt only asks you to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the essay. You are not being asked to make any conclusions. Adding conclusions where none are needed or instructed means you are not following the original instructions accurately. You should only write the essay within the given discussion requirements. Adding to the instructions will result in percentage deductions in your final score.

There is also the problem of you over writing in your essay. You should make sure that your work does not cover more than 290 words. That way you avoid forced errors on your part. Your explanations are very long, but not clear. So the cohesiveness and coherence of your paragraph presentations are affected. You are trying to focus on the reasons, but not the explanations. You must target a clear explanation based on a single reason per paragraph to get the best possible score in this part. One advantage and one disadvantage, clearly explained using a believable example always helps in this scoring section.

The conclusion is lacking the important summary of the previous discussion. You have to write at least 2 sentences composed of 40 words, at the very least to meet the concluding statement requirements. This essay is not well developed. It is a good start. You have shown that you know how to write in the long form. Now, work on convincing the examiner that you can write even better in the short form.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows information about the total oil consumption of four major consumers from 2009 [2]

It is difficult for me, as the examiner to create a mental picture of the report you have written. I cannot imagine the data provided because you failed to properly summarize the target data based on the image provided. Without the actual image, I cannot judge if you accurately paraphrased the presentation from the original, by changing most of the keywords or, if you simply used the same words, which would have reduced your LR score. You have not given me a good idea as to what measurements were used, how the measurements were arrived at. You mentioned a comparison of 4 different countries but you mentioned 5 in the actual report. This creates an error in your presentation. It makes your data inaccurate and lacking in validity.

All of the paragraphs need to be of uniform length, 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Your last paragraph is short by one sentence. That means you did not do a very accurate job of reporting information in relation to that aspect of the report. Again, you have to provide the image when you post your essay so that I can give you more appropriate advice regarding how to improve your data reporting.